The Role Of Self-Care In A Thriving Relationship

We're talking about the role of self-care in a thriving relationship and I'm looking down because I came prepared.

I've written everything down that I want to share with you so I don't forget anything.

So let's start with the definition of self-care and I've googled it.

I put it there and AI Google gave me this definition.

So self-care encompasses actions individuals take to nurture their physical,

Their mental and emotional well-being including practices like exercise,

Healthy eating,

Sufficient sleep and engaging in activities that bring joy and relaxation.

The thing is I take it that we're all familiar with the words that I just read so we all have an idea of what that means.

But I want you to bear in mind that it might look different to you.

So when I talk about exercise that I enjoy,

I like to do weights,

I love to run,

I love to cycle and that might be a totally different thing for you.

So I want you to bear that in mind that we are all different and what works for you might not work for your partner,

Might not work for your sister,

Might not work for anyone else in the world.

And I've written here so what I've written what popped into my head is you might not like a spa treatment that might not be self-care to you but to headbang at a heavy metal concert.

That might be relaxing to you,

Joyful,

That might be an activity that you just look forward to and could do once a week or every night,

It depends,

It's up to you.

But I want you to be aware that we are all different.

So the following signs of a lack of self-care are very common signs.

So they might not apply to you but you might find yourself in them in some way or they are bang on.

So the first example is how a lack of self-care might look like when you neglect personal self-care to prioritise your relationship and we love to do that because particularly when we in large just started dating and we want to be with that person all the time.

What often happens is we neglect our friends first but that usually comes back.

But here are some common signs that you may still neglect your self-care and prioritise your relationship even long term now.

So you're in a relationship for longer and this is how it might look like.

So my first example is you skip your hobbies or alone time to make sure your partner is happy,

Leaving yourself drained.

And I'm guilty of that,

I've done that.

Particularly my alone time,

First holiday and I needed this alone time because 24 7 it drained me but I was too afraid to say something.

I didn't want to hurt him and I also didn't want to come across like I don't want to spend time with you.

So I neglected my self-care.

So we've all been there probably I guess.

My next example is you feel irritable because you're not eating well,

Sleeping enough or exercising regularly.

And we have that when we are stressed.

We tend to eat too little,

Eat too much or eat all the food that gives us different cravings or can't make us sleep,

Whatever it is.

But the eating goes literally out of the window,

The healthy eating often.

Not everyone,

Don't get me wrong.

And sleeping enough is because you probably don't have any techniques to quieten your brain so that you can fall asleep.

So you're going through your mind,

It's going all the stuff that happened.

And I had that last night actually.

I've been thinking about what's going on here in China with my business and I dreamt about all the business stuff.

And I woke up and then I fell back asleep and I dreamt again about it.

So it was this up and down but it wasn't a relaxing sleep.

So I don't feel fully rested today.

And of course,

Exercising regularly.

And when we talk about regular exercise,

That can also mean just you go for a walk every day.

After dinner,

You can walk around the block,

Whatever you do.

It doesn't have to be like every day you go to the gym or you run for 40 minutes or whatever it is.

Every little helps.

So the small steps count.

But because you don't do that,

Because you don't exercise,

Because you don't sleep,

And because you're not eating well,

You're not looking after yourself for your relationship,

Whatever's going on there.

So my third example is your partner feels like they're walking on eggshells because you're always stressed or burned out.

Now,

If I could say raise your hands,

I think I would see a couple of hands that who hasn't been there.

My partner has been there and I'm walking on eggshells because I know they are stressed out and I know they're not looking after themselves.

They don't do this.

Like I said in the definition before the healthy eating,

The sufficient sleep,

They don't engage in activities that bring joy and relaxation.

They're just in their head and they're going through everything that went on today,

The day before,

Not enough sleep,

Etc.

And it's hard to come down.

So you walk around on eggshells.

And then it's an important reminder to say,

Hey,

Look after yourself.

And what I hear from my clients often is that they say,

But it will pass.

It's just now.

But the thing is,

It's always just now.

And you might become accustomed to,

Oh,

It's just now.

And then the now is every day or every week or every other week.

So it becomes a routine.

It becomes a normal to you.

And that's not good for yourself and for your relationships.

And what I've written down is,

Yes,

You can also put here the boundaries or the lack of boundaries.

That's what I would put in when we talk about self-care,

Because it's important to communicate where are your boundaries,

Where are these engaging activities you want to enjoy by yourself or with your partner or anyone else?

And what do you want to eat?

How do you want to exercise when you want to go to sleep,

Etc.

,

Etc.

?

So I feel like boundaries are important and often people lack the boundaries,

Not the boundaries themselves,

But the trust to reinforce the boundaries to say,

I'm OK if you are not liking me now because I told you that I need time by myself.

Coming back to my story before,

When I told my partner that I need some time by myself during our holiday,

I said,

I just need some time.

He was just like,

Why don't you enjoy the time with me?

I said,

I do.

I really do.

I just need some time with my head,

My thoughts,

My feelings,

Just me,

Myself and I.

And yes,

He was a bit annoyed and not angry,

But just like he didn't know how to handle the situation.

So I went off and I came back after half an hour and he had time to process,

I had time to process and we both felt better.

And he said,

It's OK.

And now he even tells me,

OK,

You're getting to that point.

Off you go.

Have time by yourself.

So give them the chance to adapt to your boundaries.

That's what I want to say.

Long story short,

Actually.

And what happens if you don't look after yourself?

We all have heard this quote,

You can't pour from an empty cup.

So make your cup full so you can be there for your partner when they need you.

But if you don't look after your cup,

If you don't fill up your cup,

It can end in burnout and not just the burnout that most of us know,

Like from work,

Not enough sleep,

But also relationship burnout that you disconnect emotionally and there's nothing to talk.

And when you talk,

It's just annoying.

You have an argument,

Et cetera,

Et cetera,

Because your cup is empty.

So think about that.

It can also decrease attraction and energy towards your partner and to do something with your partner.

And we all probably know that when we haven't had enough sleep over a long period of time,

I don't want to go out and socialize and I don't want to listen to my partner.

It's just like,

No,

Leave me.

So it decreases the attraction and it can cause a loss of individuality,

Particularly if you tell me that,

Oh,

I don't have any hobbies anyway,

So I'm just doing my partner's hobbies.

Oh,

I found all these hobbies so interesting that they have,

So now I'm doing all of them.

And everything you did before,

You haven't done.

Or maybe you don't even know what your hobbies are.

That's possible.

So you just jump on the wagon and do everything your partner does,

But you actually don't feel this excitement to look forward to doing it.

And that goes with the food and the sleep routine,

Et cetera,

All of it.

But if you look after yourself and if you fill up your cup,

Yeah,

You feel more fulfilled and energized for your life and for your relationship.

And you are more attractive and confident because your presence just changed when you're happy and your cup is full,

When you do all the things that you enjoy.

And of course,

There are things that you don't enjoy throughout the day.

But if you look after yourself and find that one thing that you enjoy and look forward to it,

It will change your whole outlook,

Your mindset,

The way you walk,

The way you talk.

So that's why we want to do it.

And your relationship inspires growth and trust.

You might ask what has trust to do with this?

But often it's we don't do it.

It's like I didn't tell my partner that I needed time by myself because I didn't trust him to understand me.

And I didn't trust myself that I would go through with it,

Encouraging and reinforcing my boundary.

That's where the trust comes in.

So for the last step,

Let me give you some practical steps on how you can fill up that cup that is so good for you.

And of course,

You can dedicate one hour to do a personal hobby of whatever you prefer.

But to start with,

Particularly if you haven't done that before,

If it's none of your daily routines,

Start little.

Even if it's like,

I enjoy my coffee in the morning.

That's amazing.

If you feel joy doing that,

Stick to it and see it as,

Yeah,

I look forward.

This is something that brings joy,

That relaxes me.

And I take this five,

10,

15 minutes to just enjoy my coffee.

And that's enough.

It doesn't have to be a big thing.

It can be these little things,

These daily things we do or don't do yet.

And they can be small and they can just be part of our day to day life.

But if we enjoy them,

If we can look at them and say,

Oh,

My God,

I look forward to that.

That's a highlight.

One of the highlights in my days.

That's amazing.

Because it changes your brain.

It calms your brain down.

It calms your nervous system down.

And that's what we want.

You could also create a self-care calendar.

To do different things on different days.

But be careful first to define what self-care means to you.

Like I said,

Everyone is different.

So you might enjoy different activities.

You might enjoy different healthy eating,

Might mean something different to you.

So first define what does self-care mean to you?

And then do this calendar.

But again,

Be careful not to put too much onto your plate.

And with that,

Have too much on and not do much of it because it's too much time into your day to day.

And of course,

We come to communication.

Communicate your self-care needs to your partner.

Like I did with mine.

You do the same.

And be patient with your partner.

They might not be used to you setting boundaries,

Explaining to them,

This is what I now want to do.

And this is why I want to do it.

And this is for me.

If they are not used to that,

Give them time to adapt and be prepared that they might be angry,

That they might feel hurt.

But that's okay.

They have the right to do that.

Just be prepared that this might happen and it's okay.

Give them time.

And when they have their time and they come back and say it's okay,

Then it's okay.

But if they don't come back and say it's okay,

It's still okay for you to continue doing it.

You might want to ask what's the reason for it?

And they might give you a reason why they don't think this is a good idea for you or how they feel about it.

And then you can discuss it.

Stay open and curious.

And that brings me to the end of my lecture today.