Hi there,
My name is Clara Sante and I'm a teen coach.
Parenting teenagers is challenging at times.
It can bring out the worst in us.
We say and do things that we're not particularly proud of when they push our buttons.
Today I wanted to talk about how sometimes we get way too involved in the content of what our teens are struggling with.
How many times have you seen your teen stressing or really upset about something and you make it your life's work to fix the situation?
Teenagers are up and down as much as a toddler.
The difference when they're little is that we tend to accept that one minute they're happy and the next minute they're crying.
But for some reason when they're teenagers we see it as a bit more personal.
Like they're being rude or if they choose to sleep all day.
We see it as though their future is ruined because they'll never get a job if they can't get up.
What I'd like to bring to our attention is that when we get into the weeds of their challenges we're not actually being particularly helpful.
We almost end up making things worse.
Sometimes we try and make them feel better by being positive or distracting them.
So what can we do that would be the most helpful?
Zooming out when you're a parent feels really hard.
We want to get in there and protect them and stick up for them and fight their battles for them or even take their pain away so they don't have to suffer at all.
But this isn't really helping them.
This teaches them that they're not capable of sorting this out.
That we don't trust them to know what to do.
It doesn't give them any space to figure it out.
By all means guide them but do it from a place where they still have room to make their own decisions and pause a bit before they do anything.
If they see us completely grounded while they're flapping around it gives them a sense of safety and trust.
That if we deeply know that they're perfectly capable of handling things then they start to trust themselves.
They'll start listening to their inner guidance and that sets them up for the rest of their lives.
We won't always be there to sort out issues for them.
So what a gift to give them if we can help them to see their natural ability to cope.
So as an example,
Your teenager is in a foul mood and says they've fallen out with friends at school.
It feels like we want to help but what if we really listened with nothing else on our mind?
Not grasping at ideas of how to make them feel better or telling them stories about how it was for us at school but really listened to what they were feeling.
It's the best way of letting them figure it out on their own.
The being allowed to just vent with no judgement or fixing is so special.
So when your teenager is scowling next,
Take the opportunity to zoom way out.
They may not want to be anywhere near you but just allowing that is perfect.
Let them know you're there if they need you,
Even if you get shouted at,
That's okay too.
We all behave badly when we're not seen clearly and sometimes they just need space.
As time goes on they'll be more inclined to come to you if you're not trying to fix.
Thank you.
