Ch 5: Give YourSelf Permission To Know You Matter

Chapter 5,

Giving Yourself Permission to Know You Matter.

When we create harmony in our own minds and hearts,

We will find it in our lives.

The inner creates the outer,

Always.

Louise L.

Hay.

Jack,

A story of taking care of yourself.

Earlier,

We met my client Jack.

He had a lot of difficulty caring for himself.

He devoted himself to work,

Allowed himself very little space to do what he wanted,

And was really quite unhappy.

Together we figured out that he was not devoting enough time to doing the little things that made him feel good about himself.

But I never have any time for anything,

Jack said.

When on earth am I going to have time for a hobby?

I barely have time to just relax for ten minutes in the evening before going to bed.

I asked Jack to think about the things that he had done in the past that made him happy.

He thought for a while,

And then came up with something.

Well,

Said Jack,

I really used to love taking radios apart with my father and putting them back together again.

Okay,

I said,

Why don't you do that?

But it's kind of silly.

I mean,

It's really pointless.

He said,

Could you do it just for fun?

I asked,

Just something to fill your soul a little.

Do you have somewhere that would be suitable for doing the work?

Yes,

He told me.

I have a little shed at the bottom of the garden.

I could do it in there.

After our session,

Jack went home and cleared some space in the garden shed.

He started off grabbing 15 minutes here and there,

Taking radios apart and putting them back together in working order.

Maybe his family thought that this hobby was crazy.

But it really didn't matter,

Because it was his thing,

And it made him happy.

Most days he managed to find some time for himself.

Quite quickly,

His sense of self-worth grew,

Because by giving himself a little time,

He was valuing himself.

He was honoring his own needs and the importance of having fun.

The message that he was giving himself was that he deserved to have some time for his own interests,

That he and the things he cared about were of value.

For a long time,

This particular man had felt stuck in a rut at work and had longed to do something new,

But didn't seem to know how.

In the process of learning how to value himself and his interests,

He became confident enough to apply for a job he found more interesting.

Jack was called for an interview and was offered the position.

I never heard from him again after that,

Which is always a good sign that someone's life is proceeding along the lines they want it to.

As a personal coach,

Becoming obsolete to any particular client means I have done my job well.

The evolution of knowing you matter.

You yourself,

As much as anybody in the entire universe,

Deserves your love and affection,

Buddha.

The above story shows the importance of listening to yourself,

Paying attention to your needs,

And acting upon them.

It demonstrates how a little self-care,

No matter how small or seemingly insignificant,

Can go a long way in building self-worth,

Self-esteem,

And confidence.

As soon as we understand and feel that we completely matter in life and to ourselves,

And therefore to others,

The closer we are to reaching our best life possible.

From here,

We will explore ways you can grow into knowing you matter,

And recognizing that this knowledge is an important component of your ability to create happiness around you.

First,

Let me present a simple flow chart to illustrate the concept of getting to a place where you truly know and believe you matter.

Where you can demonstrate that to yourself and ultimately to others.

People will only treat you the way you want to be treated when you show them how.

If you're not treating yourself well,

That is what they'll see and will invariably mirror.

The knowing you matter pathway,

Figure 5.

1.

The pathway starts at thinking you matter.

Then moves through self-care,

Self-trust,

Self-worth,

Self-approval,

And then self-esteem and confidence.

To end up at knowing you matter,

Truly believing you matter.

When it comes to your own life,

Giving yourself permission to do what you really want and need is absolutely essential.

To let yourself do that,

You need to learn how to come from a place of self-trust and self-worth.

You cannot live a happy,

Fulfilled life unless you trust,

Value,

And respect yourself enough to truly take care of your needs.

You build self-esteem by respecting your own physical,

Psychological,

And spiritual needs,

Whatever they may be.

I find that many people spend so much time worrying about what they need to do for others,

And what others think of them,

That they neglect to consider what they themselves need.

Think you matter.

The first step in the chart is to think you matter.

This can be a tall order if you don't really believe it.

So at first,

I urge you to suspend your disbelief and fake it till you make it.

It's all a mindset issue.

Start by focusing yourself to think you matter,

And that you are worthwhile.

Exercise,

Putting yourself first.

Think of a few times when you put other people's needs before your own,

Or have not done what is in your best interest,

Because you thought something or someone else mattered more than you.

Now identify what would have been in your best interest,

And why.

Last,

Assess whether your actions have truly hurt anyone.

For instance,

Your friend likes this guy,

And has dragged you to five events this month alone to see him.

He has no interest in her,

And you're starting to get embarrassed.

But you want to support your friend,

And you want her to like you.

Now she wants you to go to another party.

It's coming up to finals time,

And you have exams in some of your most difficult subjects.

You really should study,

Because you really need to get top grades so you can keep your scholarship.

Your usual self,

The one that's telling you that you don't matter as much as she does,

Would go to the party.

If you did,

You would essentially be saying to yourself and others that you felt your friend's needs were more important than yours.

This is where the cycle of disrespecting yourself starts.

And in doing so,

You're also giving others permission to disrespect you.

In reality,

Your friend has other people to go with.

And even if she doesn't,

That's not your responsibility.

And she's actually just bullying you.

It's up to you to be responsible for how your life turns out.

And that exam could be a huge part of that.

So make an inventory of when you put others' needs first,

When you probably should have prioritized your own.

With just a little insight into when you're putting others' worth relative to your own,

And with some idea about when you can better support yourself,

You'll be able to think and hopefully recognize that you matter.

You are going to have to make a conscious effort at first.

Some frustrations may surface,

As you realize when you've been giving away your personal power.

But hold hard and don't get upset,

As it's just not worth it.

Self-care.

I've often noticed that when people begin to truly take care of themselves,

They start to look different.

They've learned how to be more accepting of themselves,

And less concerned about presenting the incongruous or inauthentic appearance that they suppose the world expects of them.

The process lifts a great amount of stress,

And their physical bodies reflect the relief.

Most of all,

Learning to take care of yourself is about giving yourself permission to do the things for yourself that nourish the soul.

This can start with the basics,

Such as making sure that you eat properly,

Sleep well,

And exercise enough.

I remember a client who absolutely loved to have fresh flowers in her home,

But who rarely bought them.

I simply can't justify it,

She said.

They're such an extravagance.

I should be using that money for something more practical.

At the root of this woman's reluctance to do one simple,

Relatively inexpensive thing that made her life that bit happier,

And more fulfilling,

Was the fact that she wasn't giving herself permission to nurture herself the way she always tried to nurture other people.

We talked about her need to be kind to herself,

And,

Tentatively at first,

She began spending a little every week on fresh flowers.

It was a small step,

But the act of going to the florist,

Taking out the money,

And buying a bunch of beautiful flowers,

Was a big step towards learning how to value herself enough to do what would make her happy,

What she needed,

Because she was worth it.

That simple gesture made a big difference in her life.

She now comes home to a house that smells fragrant,

Is made more beautiful by the blossoms,

And she knows she's done something in support of her own happiness.

In so doing,

She has communicated to herself that such ends were worthwhile.

Self-trust.

When you believe in or trust people,

Whether they are teachers,

Politicians,

Or any important individual in your life,

You respect them,

And,

As a result,

Often follow their lead.

You see these individuals as having high authority.

I would suggest that you need to learn to place as much trust in yourself as you place in others,

So you recognize your own authority first and foremost.

We're going to go into more detail about trusting ourselves,

Others,

And our gut instincts in Chapter 8,

Give Yourself Permission to Be Brave.

For now,

Though,

I will say that until you can trust what your instincts and subconscious is telling you,

It will be difficult to confidently make the solid choices you need to make to live the life you want.

Self-worth.

Self-worth is what you get when you realize you matter and are worth taking care of.

It comes once you start trusting yourself,

And it will allow you to approve of yourself.

Self-approval.

When we don't consider ourselves worthwhile,

We tend to seek approval from others.

The problem with this is that they approve of us in accordance with their agendas,

Values,

And preconceptions.

Our only hope is to move beyond seeking approval from others for the decisions we make,

And to learn how to give ourselves approval.

Only we truly know what is in our best interest.

Sure,

We can ask for advice,

But we shouldn't need to ask for approval.

By learning how to approve of your life and priorities,

You nourish a sense of self-esteem that leads to living,

Thriving,

And developing in a healthier environment.

This also allows you to grow as an individual,

As well as a supportive and functioning member of your family and community.

Self-esteem and confidence.

Although the terms self-esteem and confidence are often used interchangeably,

They don't mean exactly the same thing,

But are,

However,

Interrelated.

Self-esteem in psychology means a person's overall evaluation or appraisal of their own worth.

Confidence refers to that person's belief in themselves and their abilities.

A person with high self-esteem cares for,

Loves,

And respects themselves.

They treat themselves well and expect others to do likewise.

A confident person trusts their skills and what these demonstrate to the outside world.

They believe that everything is going to be all right,

And they have the ability to do what it takes to make it so.

Having good self-esteem is not simply a matter of feeling and appearing to be confident,

But of truly feeling that you're worthwhile and that you matter.

You can be confident in your ability to do things without having self-esteem.

However,

When you grow a sense of self-worth,

Of true self-esteem,

Your confidence grows immensely.

Conversely,

A lack of self-esteem generally springs from a tendency to see others as more important than yourself.

I believe that real confidence grows from healthy self-esteem.

This means that confidence comes from within and that you have control over it.

True confidence is not arrogance,

Cockiness,

Or bravado.

This sort of behavior is a fake exterior.

It tends to push others away.

True confidence is attractive.

Sometimes people confuse demonstrating self-esteem with self-centeredness.

They think by considering themselves worthwhile,

They devalue others.

In my experience,

The people who worry most about being selfish and self-absorbed are precisely the opposite.

They worry about it so much that they often neglect to care for themselves.

And without having to probe too far below the surface,

It is evident that they have debilitating low self-esteem.

Know you matter.

By the end of this chapter,

I hope you'll be closer to wholeheartedly,

Truly believing that you matter.

When this happens,

You will start to understand that your needs,

Thoughts,

Desires,

Hopes,

And contributions to your life and the lives of those around you are worthwhile and should be honored.

The first person you need to convince is yourself.

And in time,

This knowledge will become inherent and your self-care actions will become second nature.

Feeling like a fraud.

I've had clients who are hugely successful in their professional and personal lives,

But who struggle every day with the worry that they'll somehow be exposed as a fraud,

Despite the fact that all the evidence shows that they have earned all the respect they received.

They are still reacting to the message they received during their childhood.

They may have been told explicitly or have implicitly picked up the message that they are not good at something.

Regardless of what happens,

They always hear a little voice in their heads telling them that they are not good enough.

They haven't yet learned how to give themselves permission to respect their own achievements.

Until that time,

They'll feel as though they don't deserve the acknowledgement or praise they receive from others.

They focus on the incongruence between what they've been told and what they've perceived about themselves in the past,

And what they have actually achieved.

This disconnect is where the fear of being a fraud lies.

And one day,

They worry someone will find out.

If you feel this way,

The goal is to close the gap.

The best way to do that is to recognize that what was said in the past is either invalid or possibly inaccurate,

And then to focus on what you know to be true.

In other words,

To recognize what you've accomplished,

Achieved,

Qualified for,

Succeeded in,

And so on.

This concept will be addressed further in chapter eight,

Give yourself permission to be brave.

Defensiveness rearing its ugly head.

I have frequently observed that people who don't value themselves find it difficult to care for themselves as well as they might need to,

And also tend to react defensively in their interactions with others.

By believing in ourselves,

We become better able to react proportionately to the things that happen and to what we're told.

Let's say,

For instance,

That a person goes out one day without realizing that her hair is messy.

Maybe her spouse or friend says,

Hey look,

Your hair is all sticking up.

If she doesn't value or care for herself,

Or even trust herself properly,

She's liable to become defensive straight away in the face of what she interprets as criticism.

She'll assume that her spouse or friend is trying to hurt her feelings.

Or is making fun of her appearance.

Or is trying to undermine her confidence on a day when she needs to feel that things are going well.

She might bristle and snap.

Can't you ever say anything nice to me?

Or,

What on earth is your problem?

You know I have a big presentation today,

And I need to feel relaxed.

She's been told that her hair is standing up.

But the message she's heard and took on board is,

You're not good enough.

When what she should have heard was probably along the lines of,

I know you have a big presentation today.

And I think it'll go better if you brush your hair first.

What was the real message?

It was,

Your hair is sticking up,

No more and no less.

In fact,

That is quite a useful piece of information.

And it only takes a minute to find a comb or a brush and sort it out.

But because this person's self-esteem,

Self-trust,

And confidence are low,

She perceived what was probably a piece of friendly advice as an attack and reacted strongly in a way that was completely disproportionate to the situation.

She got upset and angry about something that a more secure person would probably have forgotten about in a few minutes,

After saying thanks and attending to the minor dilemma.

Exercise.

Every day,

Do one small thing that makes you feel fulfilled.

I believe that we all deserve to do something for ourselves once in a while.

Why not practice doing one small thing that makes you feel cared for every day?

It doesn't have to be big.

You can just treat yourself to an episode of that silly sitcom you enjoy.

Or prepare your favorite dinner rather than someone else's.

Or you can take 15 minutes to sit in a quiet room or walk around the block and just relax.

The world is not going to end just because you've given yourself permission to take a little time out.

Earlier,

I talked about how making our own needs primary is like putting on an oxygen mask in a stricken plane,

Before attending to those who can't put on their own masks by themselves.

By caring for ourselves and attending to our own needs,

We build trust in ourselves and we become stronger.

New opportunities open up to us and we're able to venture into the world more boldly.

Caring for ourselves can start with something as simple as understanding what little things make us happy and nourish our sense of well-being.

And then,

Squeezing some time and space into the day for them.

Our bodies is a barometer for our lives.

Whilst I know many factors can lead to illness,

Over the years since the original MS diagnosis,

I've given a lot of thought to how our emotional and physical selves interact.

And I've begun to see how clearly they're linked.

On top of the immediate problem of the illness,

I was still far from dealing with the underlying emotional problems that I had carried with me from childhood.

I had run myself into the ground making sure I was doing everything I thought everybody else would think was right or proper.

I didn't have enough confidence in myself that I could make the right decisions.

Above all,

I didn't listen to the message that my body and mind were telling me loud and clear.

Now I'm not saying that I wouldn't have developed MS if I had dealt with my emotional issues earlier and more effectively.

Although I do wonder,

And there is a school of thought that believes that we manifest illness in our bodies when we have unresolved emotional issues.

Footnote three,

Christian Northrup,

MD,

Women's Bodies,

Women's Wisdom,

Revised Edition,

Pikus,

9th of April,

2009.

However,

My body,

By way of fatigue,

Constant calls,

And other little health oddities,

Have been trying to tell me that something was wrong for years,

And for years,

I had ignored it.

Many people find that they are similarly discounting themselves,

Their personal needs,

And their emotions.

I believe that our bodies are accurate barometers,

And if we listen to them and trust our gut instincts,

They'll let us know when we're going down the wrong path.

When we become ill,

It's useful to explore our psychological well-being,

In addition to treating our physical ailments.

I believe that we can mitigate the effects of illness,

And even prevent illness from occurring in the first place,

By being aware of our personal needs and emotions,

And how we can wholly support these aspects of our lives.

Celebrate your achievements.

People just don't take the time to stop and acknowledge what they have achieved.

It could be a very small accomplishment,

Or a huge deal,

But if we don't stop and take stock of it,

We're essentially telling ourselves that what we've done doesn't matter,

That it's not worthy of acknowledging or celebrating.

Now,

I'm not talking balloons and cake,

Well,

Not always,

But some sort of private or personal acknowledgement.

Some people buy themselves a little trinket,

Or that fancy vacuum they've been coveting.

Others get a massage,

Or have a very special glass of champagne with friends or co-workers.

The focus here is to take the time to praise yourself.

When the mind and body get that positive reinforcement,

They'll like it and want more.

You'll find it will become easier to do whatever it is you set your mind to,

Because you're kind to yourself when you reach your goals and achievements.

Know you matter.

This chapter was all about your getting to the point of truly believing that you matter just as much as everyone else,

If not more.

We discussed the tenets of how to achieve this by generally taking care of yourself.

And how feeling like a fraud and getting defensive will only put barriers in your way.

Now it's time to have some fun,

As by giving yourself permission to celebrate your achievements,

You tell yourself you're worth it.

The permission journey,

Stage one.

You've taken the first important step of your journey,

And having traveled from your home,

You've now arrived in the Hawaiian Islands,

In the North Pacific Ocean.

You've given yourself permission to know you matter,

Which is where you learned about your self-worth.

The journey itself is the process,

Everything you have become aware of,

Everything you have learned,

And everything you have started to implement in your everyday life.

Here are the questions I'll ask at the end of each chapter,

So you can gauge where you are and what you've learned.

It's always good to take stock of how far you've come,

And your answers to these questions will act as a celebration of sorts.

Remember,

It's all about taking souvenirs with you and leaving behind items that just weigh down your suitcase.

One,

What did you learn for and about yourself in this chapter?

Two,

What tools or realizations are you going to take with you on your journey?

Three,

What traits,

Behaviors,

Thoughts,

Or memories are you going to leave behind?

Armed with your newfound self-worth,

You're now able to embark on the next stage of your journey.