Ch 6: Give Yourself Permission To Know What You Care About

Chapter 6.

Give Yourself Permission to Know What You Care About.

Happiness is the state of consciousness which precedes from the achievements of one's values.

Anne Rand It is really important to know which qualities you care about in life,

And it's also very helpful to know which of them you want to live your life in accordance with.

This can sound complicated at first,

But when you get it,

You'll find it's quite simple and immensely freeing.

These qualities are often referred to as values.

What exactly is a value?

The word is generally understood to mean the qualities of life you find important to maintain both your emotional and your physical well-being.

Life coaching puts great emphasis on knowing values.

When I first started training as a coach,

My mentor coach sent me a round of paperwork to fill out,

Asking me what my values were.

The problem with this was that I didn't really know what a value was.

He then explained that a value is a trait that I know to be important in the functioning of my everyday life.

Wow!

At the time,

That could have meant anything for me.

So for a few years,

I muddled along using this concept,

Whilst not really knowing how to embody it.

Then one day,

I worked with a fabulous strategist,

My friend and mentor,

Derry Apjohn Llewellyn Davis.

He constantly harped on about values,

And I sheepishly went along with him.

Rather stridently,

I pretended that I knew what he was talking about.

We were working on whether I was going to go into partnership with a very prestigious coach and her organization.

It looked like a great idea,

But something was wrong,

And my gut instinct was troubling me.

Derry asked me what about the coach and the organization was bothering me.

I have problems with the way they're communicating with me,

I told him.

Well,

Derry said,

That's what you hold valuable,

Communication.

If they're not working within one of your core values,

You're always going to feel out of sorts or uncomfortable.

Now you get to choose whether it's worth powering through because there's something to gain in the long run.

When I examined the situation,

I felt that the organization had a less is more approach to communication.

And I knew that I couldn't work like that.

If there is a lack of communication between me and anyone I work with,

Or indeed interact with in any way,

I find I don't trust the situation or the person.

My understanding of what is going on is weakened,

And my security within it is threatened.

If my core value of communication isn't met,

I'm likely to feel uncomfortable,

And in turn,

I'm not at my best.

At that point,

The concept of values and their roles in my life became very clear to me.

In this context,

Values are more essential to us than our personal or physical needs,

Although these are important as well.

As our values guide what we feel we need from life.

When we find ourselves feeling ill at ease,

This is often because we're living in a way that is out of sync with our core values.

Only we have the ability and right to construct a life for ourselves that is in accordance with what we believe to be appropriate and healthy for us.

People setting up a business are generally advised to come up with a brief mission statement that succinctly sums up what they want to achieve and what their business's core values are.

Google's famous value statement is,

Don't be evil.

Individuals can come up with personal mission statements too,

Ones that guide their actions and communicate their desires.

Mine might be something like,

Be a catalyst of change.

What would yours be?

At the root of all personal or business mission statements are values,

Which can be accessible or tangible concepts such as family,

Work,

Or respect.

More often than not,

However,

They are emotions like love,

Peace,

And grace,

Or behavioral traits and characteristics like communication,

Nobility,

And honor.

When you start getting to grips with your values,

You're more than likely to find that they're a mixed bag.

Still,

It's good to have a list you can call your own that you can work with as you apply it to your everyday life.

Values can also be fun,

Mystical,

Obscure,

Or frivolous.

They don't have to be grand and highfalutin.

I remember feeling guilty and full of shame when I started to see that beauty,

Luxury,

And comfort were important to me.

I thought that these were all rather shallow and that one needed to be rich to have such things.

Then I realized that beauty need not be equated with a high price tag.

Beautiful objects and surroundings can be found on any budget.

They may not cost any more than opening your eyes and seeing the good around you.

Something to keep in mind is that as we grow,

Our values change.

Our fundamental values tend to remain static,

But sometimes as we gain wisdom and information,

They evolve and adapt.

It's also often difficult to come up with an initial value list.

So here's a little help.

Exercise.

Know your values.

I work quite intensively with my clients on values,

And they often find this work the most challenging.

Knowing your values is the foundation to understanding yourself.

Not knowing them can get in the way of really giving yourself permission to think big.

Usually,

I don't like giving people a list to choose from for fear of implanting ideas.

However,

Identifying one's values can sometimes be rather difficult.

So in this situation,

I feel that a list may have some benefit,

And I've included one here.

Of course,

This list is by no means comprehensive.

It's intended only as a place to start.

Sometimes it's easier to recognize a value than to dig around and come up with one.

In time,

However,

You will start seeing patterns in your behavior,

Traits,

Likes and dislikes,

And you'll be able to come up with a list all of your own.

You may notice that integrity isn't on the list.

That's because I believe that when we live in accordance with our values,

Then we live with integrity.

For now,

Here's a list of potential values to get you started.

Pick or come up with five to start a short list of your own.

Peace.

Autonomy.

Collaboration.

Nobility.

Abundance.

Fun.

Love.

Creativity.

Commitment.

Honesty.

Spontaneity.

Dignity.

Positivity.

Loyalty.

Adventure.

Compassion.

Synergy.

Spirituality.

Charm.

Curiosity.

Grace.

Learning.

Money.

Empathy.

Supportive.

Solitude.

Purpose.

Security.

Success.

Family.

Meaning.

Trust.

Supremacy.

Faith.

Awareness.

Freedom.

Values as a roadmap.

As you've seen,

Your values are traits and characteristics by which you live.

They can also serve as a roadmap for your life.

Knowing your values can give you permission to make the right decisions for yourself.

By interacting with this list,

You'll always have something to guide you.

As in my recent example,

I understood the benefit of knowing my values when I needed to make a decision or a structured plan.

As a coach,

I work within this framework with my clients.

It is really important for them to identify their values at the outset before they try to make any other choices.

So have a go at the following exercise and see how it works for you.

If at first you have trouble,

Keep the exercise in your mind and come back to it when you have finished this chapter.

Exercise.

Reading the roadmap.

Write the question or issue you are struggling to make a decision about on a blank piece of paper.

Two.

Write a list of your top five values on a small card that you can keep with you at all times.

Three.

With your values list in one hand and the question in the other,

Ask yourself if the issue you are deliberating on is aligned with your values.

For instance,

Suppose the issue is,

Should I take the new job I've been offered?

Your list of values might include autonomy,

Communication,

Learning,

And abundance.

This job pays quite well,

So abundance is covered.

You know that you'll be micromanaged because the person who interviewed you,

Who will be your manager,

Was very regimented,

Nitpicky,

And particular about the format of your resume.

His communication style was abrasive and defensive.

Your values of autonomy and communication may not be fulfilled,

And therefore,

Maybe the job isn't right for you.

However,

Another value of yours is learning,

And you very much want to break into this new industry.

The job offer ticks the boxes for learning and abundance,

But not autonomy and communication.

At this juncture,

You can make a choice.

Which values matter most to you?

Which do you need to survive in one piece?

Are there any you can live without,

So you can reap the rewards?

If making more money so that you can pay off your college loans quicker and breaking into a new industry are most important to you,

And you can live with being managed intensively and spoken to strongly,

Then take the job.

In this instance,

You know what you're getting into,

And you will have to take personal responsibility and anticipate how to communicate with your new boss.

However,

If you simply cannot live with being spoken to unpleasantly and micromanaged,

You cannot take the job.

Regardless of how useful the experience will be and how much money you'll make,

The choice is all yours.

By inherently knowing your specific values,

You can have more faith in your decisions and be better able to stand by them.

At the same time,

You'll know what you're getting into and may need to adjust to in certain situations.

Values in relationships Whenever I meet a new client,

A red flag goes up if they state that one of their values is to be loved and respected by others.

That means that their happiness,

Well-being,

And very existence depends on other people's behavior,

Or on getting others to do what the client needs them to do.

Good luck with that.

I know from my own experience that this doesn't work.

Trying to make others do what I want them to do has only ever left me depleted and frustrated.

When people love,

Respect,

Praise,

Or support you,

This is a byproduct of your behavior.

It is what happens when people see you and want to be around you.

It is what you get in return for taking personal responsibility.

Like leadership,

It's earned,

Not commanded.

In any relationship,

Intimate or otherwise,

There can be a moment when it becomes clear that the other person's value system is not the same as your own.

This doesn't mean that one system is worse than the other,

Simply that you do not prioritize the same things.

Over the years,

I've learned that for me,

It's very important to know what others' values are and how they stand in relation to mine.

The things that I care about that make up my core values include open communication,

Respect,

Diligence,

And comfort and beauty.

In important relationships,

It really matters to me that people can communicate well and don't play games.

If someone would rather watch a football match than go out with me one particular evening,

That is okay,

But making up an excuse or lying is not.

Since we all grew up in unique families,

Each of which with its own mini-culture,

And because we're all members of a broader society,

It can sometimes be hard to figure out which values are truly our own and which are really the property of the people around us,

Or of society at large.

If we have simply borrowed them and they're on loan,

We can give them back.

You might borrow a friend's jumper because it looks great on her,

Only to realize that it does nothing for you at all.

The same applies to values.

You can acknowledge and respect someone else's values without feeling that you need to prioritize exactly the same things in the same way.

When I was at university in the UK,

I lived in a flat without heating above a dry cleaner's.

It was so damp that I often woke to find my hair plastered to the pillowcase and the essay I had written the night before wrinkled from humidity.

When I moved in,

All my room contained was a small bed,

A grimy built-in desk,

A wardrobe,

And a single lightbulb hanging from the ceiling.

Depressing.

Although money had been scarce the majority of my teenage years,

My mother always made a point of keeping our house pretty,

So this was what I was used to.

Faced with this dreary space,

I knew I had to do something,

And I wouldn't be happy living without a little cheeriness in my surroundings.

I had virtually no money at this point,

But I had taken out a credit card,

So I decided some home furnishings were in order.

I found and purchased a blue and white frilly lampshade for the hanging lightbulb,

A matching cushion,

And a complimenting stuffed toy dog to go on my bed.

I valued these three items dearly.

They provided comfort,

Elegance,

And beauty,

And made me feel safe in a very cold,

Scary,

Smelly,

And lonely room.

These values were important to me,

But it soon became clear my flatmates did not share them.

When they saw what I had bought,

They told everyone else,

Who bullied and teased me for being posh and a rich bitch.

It was hard for me,

And in addition to a multitude of other reasons,

It led to my leaving the university.

If,

At the time,

I had only understood that I was living authentically and in accordance with my own values,

I would have been able to understand that it did not matter what my flatmates thought.

I could have either engaged with them,

As they were absolutely living in accordance with their values,

Or I could have turned away.

Either way,

I could have given myself permission to stand behind what mattered to me,

And life would have been much easier.

Nobody grows up in a vacuum.

We are all deeply influenced by the cultures in which we develop and learn,

And by the people in our immediate circles.

Nonetheless,

There can be huge differences between people,

Even members of the same family.

Accepting that we have our own values,

And that we are all entitled to an opinion,

And the right to live as we see fit,

Can be difficult.

Regardless of what is going on in our lives,

Ultimately we are the only ones who can decide how we live.

Of course,

We'll always have responsibilities and chores to attend to,

Whether at work or at home,

But we can choose to get ourselves to a space where these are what we want to do.

As we'll hear in Chapter 9,

Give Yourself Permission to Be Happy,

Even when a job is only necessary to pay the bills,

We can learn to focus on the aspects that we find fulfilling,

And let go emotionally of the conditions that bring us down.

People will always feel that doing things explicitly for themselves is selfish,

That the only thing worth doing are those that make life better for others.

I would argue that taking care of ourselves makes us much better equipped to also care for the people in our lives.

Certainly,

It's important for everyone to use their talents,

Gifts,

And strengths for the good of others as well as themselves.

But by giving ourselves permission to quietly value and care for ourselves first,

Then we can be there for others in an empowering rather than draining way.

If you want to get involved in volunteering,

For example,

Do so by all means,

But get involved with an activity that you enjoy.

If you love to garden,

You could look into local schemes to help people with their allotments.

If you love sports and physical activity,

You could look into sharing that passion in a way that'll be enriching to others as well as yourself by running after-school physical education programs or helping the disabled or elderly with their mobility.

Many people spend their lives running around trying to do their best for,

And to impress,

Others.

The great irony is that we do our best for others when we engage with them in a way that is fulfilling and meaningful for us as well.

Helping to make the world a better place doesn't have to be about sacrifice.

It can be about enrichment,

Fun,

And opportunity.

It can be about valuing our true selves and our real strengths and abilities so that we share them with others.

Deciding to honour yourself and your values and acting upon this decision gives you the freedom to give yourself permission to do what it takes to make sure that those values are met.

Other ways to explore your values As you may have seen,

It can be very difficult to figure out what your values are.

As you've been working on self-worth,

Taking care of yourself,

And listening to yourself,

Let's now try another way to identify your values.

You can work on this alone,

But you might find it more productive to brainstorm with a coach,

Therapist,

Trusted friend,

Close family member,

Business mentor,

Or a religious or spiritual leader.

Exercise Which films inspire you most?

A private way to start exploring what your values are is by listing a few films that have inspired you over the years.

Once you've identified the films,

Make a list of the qualities that you relate to in each film.

If films aren't your thing,

You can carry out the exercise with TV shows,

Books,

Songs,

Or whatever touches you the most.

For instance,

Here is my Honours list.

Monsoon Wedding Heritage,

Respect,

Beauty,

Honour Platoon,

Honour,

Nobility,

Tenacity Alice in Wonderland,

Free,

Abandon,

Freedom The Blind Side,

Resilience,

Persistence,

Love,

Family Cars,

Friendship,

Loyalty,

Fun Schindler's List,

Respect,

Compassion,

Vision Argo,

Triumph,

Honour,

Creativity Rocky Horror Picture Show,

Fun,

Edgy,

Kitsch Lawrence of Arabia,

Maverick,

Grandeur,

Spectacle Now take a look at your list of films and qualities.

Do any of them resonate with you?

Could they be your values?

Pick and choose from them wisely and carefully,

But also be honest and stretch yourself.

When you know and understand your values,

You gain insight into yourself.

Most importantly,

You have a roadmap that will help you make decisions.

You can use your newfound understanding to gain deeper insight into why you feel the way you do in any given situation.

You can honour those feelings and work hard to make sure that you act and live in a way that is consistent with your values,

And that your values,

And by extension,

You,

Are worth as much care and consideration as anyone else.

The Permission Journey,

Stage 2 So here we are,

At your second stop,

In the Society Islands,

In the South Pacific Ocean,

Having travelled the journey of giving yourself permission to know which you care about.

During this time,

You've recognised and engaged with your values.

The journey itself is the process.

Everything you have become aware of,

Everything you have learnt,

And everything you have started to implement in your everyday life.

Here are the same questions you heard at the end of the last chapter,

But this time,

Hold your values in the forefront of your mind as you answer them.

As before,

These questions allow you to gauge where you are and what you've learnt.

As always,

It's good to take stock of how far you've come,

And your answers to these questions will act as a celebration of sorts.

Remember,

It's all about taking souvenirs with you,

And leaving behind items that just weigh down your suitcase.

1.

What did you learn for and about yourself in this chapter?

2.

What tools or realisations are you going to take with you on your journey?

3.

What traits,

Behaviours,

Thoughts or memories are you going to leave behind?

Armed with your newfound values,

You're now able to embark on the next stage of your journey.