Why You Abandon Yourself When Life Gets Hard | SFTS Ep 12

There's a moment that happens when life gets uncomfortable,

It's a moment that most of us don't even notice,

It's the moment you leave yourself.

And here's what's strange,

You think you're protecting yourself,

You think you're coping,

You think you're being strong,

But what's actually happening is something inside you is working so hard to keep you safe because that's all it's ever known,

That it's pushing away the very person who needs your attention most.

That's a younger,

More vulnerable part of you that's been exiled.

Now let me paint you a picture,

Something goes wrong,

Whatever it is,

Jealousy,

Doubt,

Insecurity,

Maybe it's a conversation that didn't land the way you wanted,

Maybe it's a project that fell apart,

Maybe your partner doesn't respond the way that you wanted to respond,

Maybe it's just the weight of another hard day.

And in that moment,

Something inside you makes a decision,

Not a conscious one,

But a decision nonetheless,

A part of you,

Usually the part that's been keeping you functional,

Keeping you moving,

Keeping you acceptable to the world.

That part decides that what you're feeling is too dangerous,

That the discomfort,

The vulnerability,

The rawness,

That if you let yourself feel it,

You may not survive it.

So this protector part does what it's always done,

It pushes you to work harder,

It criticizes you into performing better,

It distracts you with your phone,

It numbs you with food,

Wine,

Scrolling,

Makes you so busy you don't have time to feel.

But here's what's really happening.

These protector parts aren't the problem,

They're simply trying to keep you away from something they believe would overwhelm you,

Something young,

Something hurt,

Something that got locked away a very long time ago.

Now I need you to understand something,

You're not broken for doing this,

This isn't a character flaw,

This is how we survive,

Because when you were young,

Maybe 7,

Maybe 8,

Maybe 12,

Something happened that made a part of you feel rejected,

Worthless,

Scared,

Fearful,

Ashamed.

And that feeling was so unbelievably overwhelming that you shut down and had to lock it away.

You exiled it,

Not consciously,

But you pushed it down into some inner basement,

Some hidden place,

Into a corner,

Into a shadow,

Because you couldn't function with that much pain on the surface.

And that's when other parts of you stepped in,

Protector parts.

They took on the jobs,

One part became the achiever,

So you'd never feel worthless again.

Another became the people pleaser,

So you'd never be abandoned,

Never be rejected.

Another became the outwardly confident one.

And another became the critic,

Constantly scanning for mistakes so you'd never be humiliated again.

Sound familiar?

These parts have been working overtime ever since,

And they are exhausted,

But they can't stop,

Because they're still protecting that young,

Vulnerable,

Hurt part of you.

The one you abandoned when life got too hard.

The original abandonment.

We fear someone else abandoning us,

Our partner,

Our boyfriend,

Our girlfriend,

Our wife,

Our husband,

But the root of all of that fear is that initial abandonment of you to yourself.

Now let me tell you what this looks like in real life.

It looks like having a part of you that says,

I'm fine,

When you're not,

Because another part is terrified that if you show vulnerability,

You'll be rejected.

It's like scrolling when your body is asking you to rest,

Because a part of you is afraid that if you slow down,

You'll feel something unbearable.

Something overwhelming.

It looks like staying in relationships where you have to shrink,

Because a part of you believes that's the only way to keep love.

It looks like having this voice inside that's constantly criticizing you,

And you've come to believe that that voice is you,

But it's not.

It's a part of you that's desperately trying to keep you safe by making sure you never mess up,

Never disappoint,

And never give anyone a reason to leave.

It's trying to protect you,

But in doing so,

It's keeping you from the very thing you need most,

Which is to turn toward that younger,

Hurt part of you and say,

I'm here,

I'm not leaving,

I will never leave,

You are safe now.

Because here's what I've learned.

Nothing inside you is bad.

Not the part that criticizes,

Not the part that numbs,

Not the part that people pleases,

Not even the part that rages or shuts down.

They're all just trying to help.

I got forced into these extreme roles when you were young,

Because the system needed protection.

But they're not what they seem.

Underneath the criticism is a part that wants you to succeed.

Underneath the numbness is a part that's afraid of being overwhelmed.

Underneath the people-pleasing is a part that just wants to be loved.

They're all trying to protect something precious.

That younger part of you,

That more innocent part of you that still carries that hurt.

I'll say that again.

That younger part of you that still carries the hurt.

So how do you stay?

How do you stay with yourself when life gets hard?

Let me give you four things.

The first thing is to start noticing which part of you is speaking.

When you hear that critical voice,

When you feel that impulse to numb,

When you notice yourself overworking,

Just pause and ask,

Is this all of me?

Or is this a part of me?

And identify where in your body you feel that.

Focus in on that,

Because here's the thing.

You are not your parts.

You are the one,

The divine self who can notice them.

There's a you,

A deeper,

Calmer,

More spacious you that can observe these parts without being taken over by them.

And when you can separate even a little bit,

Everything changes.

Second,

The second thing is to get curious.

Instead of fighting with the part that's showing up,

Instead of trying to get rid of it or shame it or numb it,

Ask it.

What are you afraid would happen if you didn't do this?

What are you trying to protect me from?

And then just listen.

Don't think the answer.

Allow it,

Like a leaf on a stream,

To gently float in and wait for that to happen.

What you'll find is that this part has a story,

It has a reason.

Perhaps your inner critic is afraid that if it doesn't push you,

You'll fail,

Be abandoned,

Lose that job,

Lose that status.

Maybe that part that numbs is afraid that if you feel the pain,

It'll consume you.

They're trying to help in the best way that they can.

And they just don't know there's another way yet.

Let me say that again.

They're trying to help.

They just don't know there's another way yet.

And the third thing,

And this is where the healing happens.

Speak to this protected part the way you would speak to someone you deeply care about.

A best friend,

A child.

You might say,

I see how hard you've been working.

I see how much you've been trying to keep me safe.

Thank you for protecting me all these years.

And what I do is when those parts come up,

I say three simple things internally to that part.

I see you.

I hear you.

I understand you.

I see you.

I hear you.

I understand you.

And something shifts when you do this because these parts have been demonized,

Fought against,

Shamed,

Exiled,

Placed into the shadows.

But when you appreciate them,

When you acknowledge their intention,

They start to relax.

They start to trust that perhaps,

Just perhaps,

They don't have to work so hard anymore.

And the fourth and final thing,

And this is the deepest part of the work.

Ask that protector part if you can go to the one it's protecting.

That young part of you.

The one that felt worthless,

Terrified,

Rejected,

Abandoned.

The one that you locked away in a room because it was too painful to feel.

And when you find that part,

Just simply be with it.

Don't try to fix it.

Don't try to make it feel better.

Don't try to rush it through the pain.

Just show up and be there for it.

And then show up the next day,

And the next day,

And the next day.

And with persistence,

You begin to build trust and establish a relationship.

And engage with them,

And speak with them,

And be with them in the way you would sit with a scared child.

The way you'd hold space for someone you love who's hurting,

Who's grieving.

And say,

I see you.

I'm here now.

I'm not leaving.

This is how you come home to self.

And here's what I want you to know.

You don't need to get rid of parts of yourself.

You don't need to transcend your humanity.

What you need is to turn toward self.

To turn and look inward.

To stop abandoning the parts of you that are hurting.

To stop fighting with the parts that are trying to protect you.

Because here is a simple and honest truth.

All your parts are welcome.

The critic.

The people pleaser.

The one that numbs.

The one that rages.

And especially.

Especially the young,

Hurt one.

That's been waiting in the shadow for all these years.

They all belong.

And there's a you.

A deeper,

Wiser,

More spacious you.

The self.

That can hold all of it.

That can lead this family.

That can manage and navigate this system.

That can be curious instead of critical.

That can appreciate instead of attack.

That can stay.

When everything in you wants to run.

When everything in you wants to self-destruct.

And when you learn to do that.

When you learn to stay with all the parts of yourself.

Everything changes.

Not because life gets easier.

No.

But because you're no longer walking through it fragmented.

You're no longer at war with yourself.

You're whole.

You're complete.

You truly understand.

That you were.

You always will be.

And are.

Enough.

So if you're watching this right now or listening to this right now.

And you're in a hard season.

If you're feeling lost.

If you're feeling scared.

If you're feeling like you don't know how to keep going.

I want you to hear this.

There's nothing wrong with you.

You're not broken.

You're not too much.

You're not beyond repair.

You simply have parts of you that are still hurting.

And parts that are working overtime to protect them.

And they all need you.

Not a therapist.

Not a guru.

Not someone out there.

Not me.

They need you.

They need self.

The real you.

The one who can be curious and calm and compassionate.

The one who can sit.

The one who can show up.

The one who can stay.

And that's the work.

And I'm here walking it with you.

If this resonated with you I'd love to hear your story.

Drop a comment below.

Leave some feedback or review and tell me.

Which protector part of you works the hardest?

Write that in a journal.

Write that on a piece of paper.

And if you feel.

.

.

Answer that to me in a comment or in a feedback or in the review.

Which protector part of you works the hardest?

Is it the critic?

The achiever?

The people pleaser?

The one that numbs?

And if you want more conversations like this.

Real,

Honest,

Grounded conversations about coming home to self.

Coming home to yourself.

Make sure that you follow.

Make sure that you subscribe.

And listen to some of my other talks here.

I put out a new episode every week.

And I hope it resonates.

If you are interested in starting this journey to come back to self.

Let's walk it together.

Thanks for being here.

And I'll see you in the next one.