30 Cont. Tenant Of Wildfell Hall- By Stephanie Poppins

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Welcome to Sleep Stories with Steph,

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Relaxing sleep.

Come with me as we travel back to a time long ago where Helen Huntingdon is sacrificing everything she knows in order to protect her son.

But before we begin let us take a moment to focus on where we are now.

Take a deep breath in through your nose then let it out on a long sigh.

It is time to relax and really let go.

Feel your shoulders melt away from your ears as you sink into the support beneath you.

Feel the pressure seep away from your cheeks as your breath drops into a natural rhythm.

There is nothing you need to be doing right now and nowhere you need to go.

We are together and it is time for sleep.

The Tenant of Wildfelm Hall by Red and Abridged by Stephanie Poppins Chapter 30 continued About that time Mr Hargrave frequently called at Grasdale to see us and often dined there,

On which occasions I fear Arthur would have willingly cast prudence and decorum to the winds and made a night of it as often as his friend would have consented to join him in that exhausted pastime.

And if the latter had chosen to comply he might in a night or two have ruined the labour of weeks and overthrown with a touch the frail bulwark it had cost me so much trouble and toil to construct.

I was so fearful of this at first that I humbled myself to intimate to him in private my apprehensions of Arthur's proneness to these excesses and to express a hope he would not encourage it.

He was pleased with this mark of confidence and certainly did not betray it.

On that and every subsequent occasion his presence served rather as a check upon his host than as an incitement to further acts of intemperance and he always succeeded in bringing him from the dining room in good time and tolerably good condition for if Arthur disregarded such intimations as well I must not detain you from your lady or we must not forget that Mrs Huntington is alone he would insist upon leaving the table himself to join me and his host however unwillingly was obliged to follow.

Hence I learned to welcome Mr Hargrave as a real friend to the family a harmless companion for Arthur to cheer his spirits and preserve him from the tedium of absolute idleness and a total isolation from all society but mine and a useful ally to me.

I could not but feel grateful to him under such circumstances and I did not scruple to acknowledge my obligation on the first convenient opportunity yet as I did so my heart whispered all was not right and brought a glow to my face which he heightened by his steady serious gaze while by his manner of receiving those acknowledgements he more than doubled my misgivings.

His high delight at being able to serve me was chastened by sympathy for me and commiseration for himself about I know not what for I would not stay to inquire or suffer him to unburden his sorrows to me.

His sighs and intimations of suppressed affliction seem to come from a full heart but either he must contrive to retain them within it or breathe them forth in other ears than mine.

There was enough of confidence between us already it seemed wrong there should exist a secret understanding between my husband's friend and he unknown to him of which he was the object but my afterthought was if it is wrong surely Arthur's is the fault not mine and indeed I know not whether at the time it was not for him rather than myself that I blushed for since he and I are one I so identify myself with him that I feel his degradation his failings and transgressions as my own I blush for him and fear for him I repent for him weep pray and feel for him as for myself but I cannot act for him and hence I must be and I am debased contaminated by the union both in my own eyes and in the actual truth I'm so determined to love Arthur so intensely anxious to excuse his errors that I am continually dwelling upon them and laboring to extenuate the loosest of his principles and the worst of his practices till I am familiarized with vice and almost a partaker in his sins things that formerly shocked and disgusted me now seem only natural I know them to be wrong because reason and God's words declare them to be so but I am gradually losing that instinctive horror and repulsion which was given me by nature or instilled into me by the precepts and example of my art perhaps then I was too severe in my judgments for I abhorred the sinner as well as the sin now I flatter myself I'm more charitable and considerate but am I not becoming more indifferent and insensate too for that I was to dream I had strength and purity enough to save myself and him such vain presumption would be rightly served if I should perish with him in the gulf from which I sought to save him God preserve me from it and him too yet poor Arthur I will still hope and pray for you and though I write as if you were some abandoned wretch past hope and past reprieve it is only my anxious fears my strong desires that make me do so one who loved you less would be less bitter less dissatisfied as Arthur began to recover the tone and vigour of his exhausted frame and with it something of his former impatience of retirement and repose I suggested a short residence by the seaside for his recreation and further restoration and for the benefit of our little one as well but no watering places were so intolerably dull besides he'd been invited by one of his friends to spend a month or two in school for the better recreation of grouse shooting and deer stalking and had promised to go then you will leave me again Arthur said I yes dearest but only to love you the better when I come back and make up for all the past offenses and shortcomings and you needn't fear me this time there are no temptations on the mountains and during my absence you may pay a visit to stunningly if you like your uncle and aunt have long been wanting us to go there you know but somehow there's such repulsion between the good lady and me that I could never bring myself up to the scratch I was perfectly willing to avail myself of this permission though not a little apprehensive of my aunt's questions and comments concerning my matrimonial experience regarding which I'd been very reserved in my letters for I had not much that was pleasant to communicate about the third week in August Arthur set out for Scotland and Mr Hargrave accompanied him thither to my private satisfaction shortly after I with little Arthur and Rachel went to stunningly my dear old home which as well as my dear old friends its inhabitants I saw again with mingled feelings of pleasure and pain so intimately blended that I could scarcely distinguish the one from the other or tell to which to attribute the various tears and smiles and sighs awakened by those old familiar scenes and tones and faces not quite two years had passed since I'd seen and heard them last but it seemed a far longer time and well it might for how immeasurably changed was I how many things that I had not seen and felt and since then my uncle too appeared perceptively more aged and infirm my aunt more sad and grave I believe she thought I'd repented of my rashness though she did not openly express her conviction or triumphantly remind me of her slighted counsels as I partly feared she would but she observed me narrowly more narrowly than I like to be observed and she seemed to mistrust my cheerfulness and unduly mark each little indication of sadness or serious thought to notice all my casual observations and silently draw her own inferences from them was it pride that made me so extremely anxious to appear satisfied with my lot or merely a just determination to bear my self-imposed burden alone and preserve my best friend from the slightest participation in those sorrows from which she had striven so hard to save me it might have been something of each but I'm sure the latter motive was predominant I did not much prolong my visit for not only did I feel my aunt's relentless watchfulness and incredulity to be a restraint upon me and a silent reproach that oppressed me more than she could well imagine but I was sensible that my little Arthur was an annoyance to his uncle though the latter wished him well and no great amusement to his aunt though an object of her earnest affection and anxious solicitude dear aunt have you so tenderly reared me from infancy so carefully guided and instructed me in childhood and youth and could I give you no return but this to disappoint your hopes oppose your wishes scorn your warnings and advice and darken your latter years with anxious fears and sorrow for the sufferings you cannot relieve it almost broke my heart to think of it and again and again I endeavored to convince her I was happy and content with my lot but her last words as she embraced me and kissed the child in my arms before I entered the carriage were take care of your son Helen and there may be happy days in store for you yet our greater comfort and treasury is to you now I can well imagine but if you spoil him to gratify your present feelings it will be too late to repent when your heart is broken Arthur did not come home till several weeks after my return to Grasdale but I did not feel so anxious about him now to think of him engaged in active sports among the wild hills of Scotland was very different from knowing him to be immersed amid the corruptions and temptations of London his letters now though neither long nor lover-like were more regular than they had ever been and when he did return to my great joy instead of being worse than when he went he was more cheerful and vigorous and better in every respect since that time I've had little cause to complain he still has an unfortunate predilection for the pleasures of the table against which I have to struggle and watch but he has begun to notice his boy and that is an increasing source of amusement to him within doors while his fox hunting and coursing are a sufficient occupation for him without when the ground is not hardened by frost so that he is not wholly dependent upon me now for entertainment but it is January spring is approaching and I repeat I dread the consequences of its arrival that sweet season I once so joyously welcomed as the time of hope and gladness awakens now far other anticipations by its return