More About Attachment

How are you,

Dear people,

And welcome to this unique opportunity we give ourselves to stop the rush,

Hold hands,

And walk the path together.

Not just as individuals,

But also as one united consciousness that is asking and answering and evolving with that dance.

So this is how you contribute.

This is how you shine in this session by sharing your question,

Your doubt,

Your insights,

Everything that you feel that can contribute or offer any burden that you feel that still stands between you and an awakened consciousness.

Just pointing out that after the guided meditation,

In the beginning of these sessions,

There is the number of people who are listening versus the number of people who came and left in the past 10 minutes,

And it's always 25% precisely.

Explain that.

Like to the number,

25% of the people stay,

75% of the people run away.

Anyway,

Just an observation.

Who would like to be the first to jump into the waters?

By the way,

Is there anybody here who is joining us for the first time?

We are all veterans.

Good.

Who would like to dive deep today?

And there's,

Of course,

Carly here too.

Our beloved Carly,

Who will sound the voice of the sincere seeker.

Hello,

Everybody.

Marci says,

Another teacher said he has lower numbers stay.

I don't know why Insight Timer puts that.

Now,

And we love you.

Oh,

I feel like an AA meeting.

It's not a question about how many people we get.

One is enough.

But about why people are so engaged in this spiritual shopping.

It's like Louis C.

K.

Saying,

You know,

The difference between men and women watching the TV is a woman wants to see TV,

What's on TV,

And men wants to see what else is on TV.

I feel like that's a Seinfeld joke,

Not Louis C.

K.

And for you,

They're almost as good as one.

Barbara says,

Fascinating that it's consistently 25 percent.

To that number.

Yeah,

She's fascinated.

And Carol says,

Perhaps they got what they needed to get and it was enough.

Yeah,

Maybe.

Eva is asking any insights on children,

Parent attachment.

So,

Yeah,

I think we discussed attachment already in previous talks.

Specifically,

Children,

Parent attachment,

You know,

It's just an aspect of us attaching.

And,

Yeah,

It's a subject worth diving into for sure.

Why are we attaching?

You have to see that attachment is caused by fear,

Right?

And you feel incomplete.

And you attach to something outside of yourself to dim that existential lack.

Believing that only when you have that available in your immediate vicinity,

Only then you can be at least more complete.

Right?

So you're afraid to lose what you believe you already have.

That is yours.

It could be a relationship,

It could be,

You know,

Wealth or status or any other thing that you may be attached to.

Create some sort of safe haven for yourself.

Protected against life.

Against the pain that life may inflict.

Of course,

That is doomed.

There is no way that is sustainable.

Eventually,

Life will destroy that construction.

It's just a matter of when the time is right for you to deal with life without it.

I used to say that life is all about learning how to let go gracefully.

It's exactly the opposite of attaching.

How to let go gracefully.

Mm-hmm.

So if you're attached as a parent or as a child,

It's an invitation to see what is the fear there?

Why are you clinging?

Mm-hmm.

What are you afraid of?

Do you think that applies in a similar way to actual children under age,

Not adult children?

Well,

You know,

As a child,

It's healthy that you stay close to your parents.

They provide that safe environment for you to grow,

You know,

Physically.

They put a shelter on your head.

They give you food.

They help with your upbringing,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

It's natural.

Every animal does that.

Almost.

Not every,

But many,

Especially mammals,

Do that.

Right?

They stay close to their parents for survival reasons.

Yeah,

No problem with that.

Of course,

You have to see that there is a balance there.

As a parent,

It's okay to keep our children close,

To keep them safe,

But also,

You know,

To gently show them gradually that,

Yeah,

Life is manageable and they can deal with it.

Of course,

Giving them the right education and preparing them accordingly,

But if you keep them too close too long,

It's not healthy.

Not for you,

Not for them.

Isn't it?

Usually,

You keep them too close not for their sake.

You keep them too close because you are afraid to lose that bond,

That connection.

Why?

Because then you have to deal with the existential question.

Who am I if I'm not a parent anymore?

Who am I if that responsibility is irrelevant anymore?

That used to be the answer to the question who I am,

Right?

I am the father.

I am the mother of this kid.

And now that kid is flown out of the nest.

Who am I?

Spooky.

I don't really want to deal with that question,

Do I?

So I keep them close.

And the other way,

If I'm a child and I'm clinging to my parents,

There are examples of that as well,

Right?

Why is that?

What is the fear?

Typically,

It's the fear of me dealing with life.

I don't believe I'm equipped.

I don't believe I'm capable.

I don't believe I'm worthy of an independent interaction with life.

I always have to hide behind the shadow of my father or my mother to keep me safe from life.

Isn't it?

So again,

Of course,

It's good that there is that bonding,

Especially in the younger age for survival reasons.

But eventually,

You know,

A responsible parent will gradually push their child to start rubbing with life until they are independent and they can start their own family.

What do you say?

Eva says,

I think it's particularly hard as a parent to have healthy boundaries for myself while responding to all their needs.

Yeah,

You know,

You ask yourself,

Why are you motivated to do something?

For example,

To help your children.

Is it because of fear or is it because of love?

This is true for any action that you make,

Any decision that you make.

Is it consequence of fear or of love?

You know,

As a parent,

Sometimes don't judge how much you love by how much you interfere.

The more I interfere,

The more I love.

That's not the right equation.

You know,

As a parent,

You know,

Sometimes because you love your child,

You have to stay back and let them learn from their own mistakes.

Correct?

Let them struggle.

Yeah.

Life is not always a rose garden,

Isn't it?

And the only way to know how to deal with that is to engage.

You cannot learn how to swim over the Internet.

You have to jump into the water at some point.

Right.

So see what propels you to engage and try to help and protect your children to the point that you feel that it's unhealthy.

Otherwise,

You wouldn't ask that question.

And the recommendation here on the white path is always,

Always follow the path of no fear.

What would you choose to do if there was no fear guiding your decision making process?

Would you lend a hand?

Would you try to solve their problems or would you stay back and let them deal with it?

There's only one thing our kids need from us.

That's true for any child and any parent.

The child needs to know that their parents love them unconditionally,

No matter what.

That's it.

But that doesn't necessarily translate to solving their problems.

Sometimes love requires you letting go and let them figure it out.

That's the loving,

Responsible thing to do.

Isn't it?

Sometimes.

I see that there is a couple of new people here.

So let me just say that I'm only allowed to refer to your questions.

So the way to activate me is to ask your question.

Any question that you feel that can help you grow and evolve and come closer.

An awakened consciousness is relevant here.

Carol's saying that's so true.

We rob our kids of valuable life lessons when we step in and try to solve problems for them.

Yeah.

Especially,

You know,

In the Western world,

Western culture,

Our kids are getting seriously unequipped to deal with life's challenges because we are so busy paving the road for them.

They never have to deal with any issue.

And when a challenge appears and it's inevitable,

They are immediately overwhelmed.

So ask yourself,

What's the reasonable way to raise the child?

Keep them protected under your apron?

Yeah.

Apron?

Or let them rub with life,

Even if it's not always pleasant.

You know,

I'm thinking about our immune system.

Even at that level,

You know,

We are so overprotective of the younger generation and what they eat and what they are not allowed to eat and all that,

You know.

And we keep them in such healthy,

Sanitized environment that their system doesn't know how to deal with infection because they never were exposed to it.

You know,

You see those kids in the first,

In the third world,

You know,

That run in the gutter,

Healthy,

Smiling with beautiful,

Dry teeth.

And you ask yourself,

What am I doing wrong here?

How is that possible?

Correct.

So this is true,

You know,

If you take it even zoom out from that to the bigger picture,

You know,

The attitude that we bring to this meeting with life,

What is the attitude?

Are we afraid of life?

Are we afraid of rubbing ourselves against life?

Are we preoccupied with protecting ourselves from the pain that life may endure,

Which is inevitable?

No,

Not endure,

Inflict,

That life may inflict.

Are we embracing the opportunity to live and experience life,

Pleasant or unpleasant?

Ask yourself,

How do you live?

Driven by fear or by appreciation and love?

Hmm.

Marcy's saying that there's a blanket of fear over the U.

S.

And the world,

A lot of fear right now.

Yeah,

There is a lot of fear,

But you are always free to choose.

Don't get too identified with the fact that you are an American citizen or whatever,

Canadian or European or whatever.

You are always free to choose.

Marcy's also saying,

I miss my parents now more than ever.

I was always independent,

But we were so close.

It goes both ways.

I don't have kids.

My rescue dog Hope is my fertile.

Harold says,

COVID taught us that we have to fear germs and disease and keep everything sanitized and distant.

And Carol has another question.

Why do I feel like I need to rescue people though?

If someone mentions that they need help,

I have to rush to their assistance.

Why do I always seek validation from others?

You tell me why.

You seek validations from others because you don't know who you are.

So you ask other people,

Please tell me,

Who am I?

Am I good?

Am I good enough?

Please reassure that.

And I will do whatever is necessary to make sure that you give me the right answer.

No,

And don't take it personally.

Of course,

You didn't invent that.

Most people behave like that.

No,

We don't know who we are.

So we go and ask other people.

The cure for that is self-knowledge.

When you know who you are,

You don't care anymore about other people's opinions.

You just operate out of unconditional love.

That is giving and generous.

You're not preoccupied about their opinions.

Don't be a football of other people's opinions.

It's not a good way to live your life.

Yes,

That's true.

You're quite correct.

That's what I want.

Thank you.

Good.

And she says,

Hi Carly and Jan.

Okay,

I came in like five minutes late.

I'm only just learning that because I did so much for my youngest,

That he now at 27 struggles with certain things,

Especially managing money and regularly can't afford food.

So I help him out.

When I told someone recently,

They said I'm enabling.

Isn't it better?

My son has good food.

So he has good physical and mental health.

Don't be a football of other people's opinions.

Somebody will tell you that you're enabling.

Somebody will tell you that you're too harsh on the kid,

Too soft on the kids,

And you're just jumping from one side to the other.

You do the right thing.

And how would you know what the right thing to do is?

Follow the path of love.

Unconditional.

Don't be driven by fear.

What would you do in any given situation if there was no fear guiding you at all of any kind?

There's no one true answer to the question,

How to raise our kids,

How to support them.

There's no one answer.

It's relevant to ask this question every time you meet.

Every moment something else is required.

You keep asking,

What would I do if there was no fear guiding me whatsoever?

Would I support,

Would I provide,

Or would I stay back and let them deal with their own shit?

That's it.

That's true for our kids and for everything else we decide on.

Actually,

That's the only decision we have to make.

That's the only decision we can make.

What else?

Jules is saying children should have accountability and consequences.

And my son is 35 and his father never gave him any of those things,

And he still lives at home and isolated.

It's very sad.

Let's talk about you,

Jules,

Not about your kid.

When you refer to your child believing that he never received what he was supposed to receive from his father,

Therefore now he is,

I don't want to invent my own words,

I'm going to use yours,

Isolated and lives at home.

Still lives at home.

Because of what his father should have provided and didn't.

So when you refer to your kid in this set of beliefs about him and what he should have been versus what he is,

How does that impact your relationship?

You see what I'm saying?

Is it productive or counterproductive to your ultimate goal of seeing him happy and independent and fulfilled?

Jules is asking you to repeat.

I'm not good at repeating.

When you hold this set of beliefs about your kid and what he should have received from his father versus what he did receive from his father and what kind of person he should have been versus the person that he is,

When you meet him obscured by these ideas,

How does that impact your relationship with him?

Are you helping him to thrive and be happy?

Are you contributing to your ultimate goal of seeing him happy and independent?

Of course,

You want the best for your kids,

No?

It's obvious.

But when you come and meet your kid from the gap between what is and what you believe it should have been,

You just fill the space between you and him with disharmony,

Judgment,

Disappointment.

Do you see that?

And it's got nothing to do with him.

It's me and my ideas,

My opinions,

My objections,

My inability to accept and embrace the situation as it is.

How does that reflect on me as a mother?

What would people say?

All those questions,

You know?

They just create a deeper and deeper canyon between us.

And how to solve that?

Close the gap.

You opened it.

You can close it.

It's got nothing to do with anybody else,

Not your kid,

Not your ex-husband or whatever.

Nobody else can close it,

Just you,

Because you opened it.

What's the gap?

The difference between what is and what you believe it should have been.

Close the gap.

And if you want to learn how to do it,

There is a whole talk about that.

Living without suffering once and for all.

Find it on my Insight Timer page and listen to it.

And practice.

I guarantee positive impact on your relationship with your son.

100 percent.

All money back.

Angie says,

Definitely,

Marcy made a comment about how children are all so different.

And Angie says,

All very different.

And the eldest doesn't agree that the youngest should be supported.

But it's not about them.

It's a juggling act sometimes.

Don't be a football of other people's opinions,

Not even your kids.

You just follow the path of unconditional love.

And it will show you what to do in every given time.

Your action will be a consequence of an open heart and a willing soul.

That's it.

And Jules says,

I want to see him,

Her son,

Flourish.

He has so much to offer.

He's a really good person.

He has so much fear because of lack of experience and staying isolated.

How can I help him when he doesn't think he has any problems and really trying?

And Angie says,

Yeah,

I don't even like football.

What?

Ah,

Football.

And how can I help him when he doesn't think he has problems?

What would you be without the idea that he has problems?

I'm going to ask this question again.

What would you be?

Who would you be?

Free from the idea that your son has problems.

He doesn't believe he has problems.

It's your idea.

Are you trying to help him?

Flourish?

Or are you putting him down?

With your ideas about him,

Your opinions of what he should be,

Should have been.

I tell you,

There are no problems in life.

Life comes free of problems.

This idea,

Problem is artificial.

It doesn't truly exist.

Yeah,

Life can be challenging for sure.

And it requires resourcefulness and creativity,

100%.

But it's never a problem.

You decide that it's a problem.

Correct?

What would you be without that idea?

My son has problems.

And he can only be happy after he solves these problems.

And I know how to solve them for him.

If he only listened.

No,

No,

No,

No,

This doesn't sound healthy at all,

Does it?

How can you help your son?

Love,

Accept,

Unconditionally.

That's the meaning of unconditional.

I don't need you to change.

I don't need you to be somebody else.

I don't need you to flourish in any specific way.

That only I know.

And you can't see it.

No,

I love you as you are.

Because you are my child.

That's it.

I don't need anything from you,

Not even to see you happy.

Not even that.

If you need to be sad,

You be sad.

That's okay.

Of course,

There is only one,

You know,

Star.

And that is the secrecy of life.

No,

If you see that people are losing hope and can be self-harming,

Then of course,

You know,

You need to preserve the secrecy of life.

And actively make sure that everybody is alive and healthy as much as you can.

But other than that,

You let them walk their path.

And let go of the idea that you know better than anybody else which path they are supposed to walk on.

So there's some.

.

.

Yes.

Yeah,

Fine lines there,

Because at the risk of sounding like I know everything about what Jules' son is going through,

She's mentioning,

They've mentioned,

Jules is mentioning about drinking,

Which is an addiction,

And some potential,

I don't know what else.

Anyway,

You know,

What if,

What if you are seeing self-harming behavior?

You know,

What if you do have a loved one or somebody that you want to help because you see something that's affecting their,

The secrecy of their life?

Yeah,

So that's why the star is there,

No?

If there is a threat to life or to physical,

Mental health of your beloved,

You can definitely make sure you do everything you can to intervene.

You know,

There was this intervention,

So,

You know,

Ask professional help,

You know,

You do whatever you think is necessary to preserve the secrecy of life.

We are here to live in a body.

So as long as we have a body,

We want to keep that body alive and healthy.

And if that is threatened,

You do whatever you need to do to make sure that this is sustained.

But beyond that,

Make sure that you are not driven by fear.

And even that you do,

Not because you're afraid of death or of losing your loved one,

Because you respect the secrecy of life.

Do you see the difference?

Even that is not driven by fear.

It's just there to spread the love.

Who else?

Giovanna says,

I was in therapy for many years,

And I've learned that my children's mistakes are not my mistakes.

And accordingly,

Their success is not my success as their mother.

I often tell them,

I love you.

And no matter what you say,

Do or be,

You cannot change the fact that I love you.

I pray that I always stay true to the way I feel now,

No matter what challenges they face.

Thank you for all you're saying today.

It surely is profound.

Just one comment.

You say that your children have made mistakes.

Mistakes and problems belong to the same family.

It doesn't exist.

Life has no problems,

And you can never make a mistake.

These are all artificial terms.

Realize that.

Your judgment,

Your opinions,

Your ideas versus life.

And you know better.

This should never have happened.

It's a mistake.

How do you know?

How do you know?

What would you be without that idea?

This should never have happened.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Let go of contradicting ideas.

Let go.

Let go.

Stop arguing with life.

Some people dedicate their life to argue with life,

And they lose 100% of the time.

Because life wins.

Reality wins.

That's why it's called reality.

It's real versus your opinion,

Which is artificial.

AJ is here.

Wow.

Welcome.

What an honor.

Let's finish with a question from AJ.

AJ is saying,

Show up and do your best.

Angie says,

Yes,

Jules,

No one who cares wants their child to be sad.

Best wishes.

Look,

Sadness is not bad,

And happiness is not good.

Stop judging your emotions or other people's emotions.

Do yourself and do them a favor.

People are allowed to be sad.

Sometimes people are sad.

It's OK.

Sometimes you're sad.

Emotions come and go.

Sometimes you're sad.

Sometimes you're happy.

This wave-like motion,

Like any other phenomena,

It comes and goes.

It changes.

And it deepens your experience.

Would you want to be only happy and never sad?

How would you know that you are happy if you are never sad?

It gives depth to that experience.

Doesn't it?

You see what I'm saying?

So instead of tagging sadness as bad and waiting for it to go away before you can be happy again,

No,

Just embrace it.

Embrace it fully.

Love sadness as much as you love happiness.

And life will no longer be a threat to you.

What else?

AJ is saying,

Please explain to those who believe they are their stories and intellectual how to distinguish made-up stories from the truth.

Explain to those who believe they are their stories and intellect how to distinguish made-up stories from the truth.

What is the truth?

And what is the story?

To make it crystal clear,

The truth is the present moment.

And the story is our opinions regarding the present moment.

OK?

To make it very simple,

The truth is what is happening here and now.

That is the truth.

The rest is stories.

Our opinions,

Thoughts.

Is it good?

Is it bad?

All that.

And that builds up to create an identity for us.

The more we are identified with our opinions,

The longer the story is.

An awakened consciousness doesn't have a story to tell.

If you ask an awakened person,

Who are you?

He will tell you,

I am here.

I am.

What else can I say?

You know?

Remember that when Moses was on the mountain and asked God to introduce himself,

What did God say?

He said,

I am.

I am what I am.

That's it.

What more can I say?

I am what I am.

That's it.

So if you want to live a truthful life,

Make sure we are all present,

Here and now.

You're not caught up with our opinions and ideas about what is happening and about what should have happened.

All that.

What do you say?

I think we need to go back a little bit to what you said about sadness.

And Jules just made a distinction about depression,

Not just sad.

What's the difference between sadness and depression?

Sadness is an emotion that happens from time to time,

Like happiness.

Depression is sadness that sticks and doesn't go away.

Why does it stick?

Because you resist.

What you resist,

Persist.

Yes?

What you don't embrace,

What you resist,

What you try to avoid,

That stays.

The phenomena stays stuck because you don't let go.

You are holding on to it by resisting.

You give that power to the phenomena,

And it stays and grows.

So pain becomes chronic.

Sadness turns into depression.

Because you're unwilling to embrace,

To surrender to the experience.

But unwilling in a conscious way or an unconscious way?

It doesn't matter.

Of course,

If it's conscious,

It's easier,

Because then you can consciously do something about it.

If it's unconscious,

It's more complicated.

But it's time to wake up and see.

What are you afraid of?

Why are you resisting?

Sadness comes.

Yes,

It's a part of life.

If you don't resist it,

It will go away.

Naturally,

There is a talk in Inside Timer that is called 72 hours.

Listen to that talk.

72 hours.

That's the name of the talk.

Search it up.

Don't be lazy.

Joanna is asking,

Why does happiness never stick?

And if it does,

What is it called?

Happiness never sticks,

Because you don't want to always be happy.

I mean,

What does it even mean?

How can you always be happy?

You know,

Either enlightened or stupid.

You don't want to be stupid,

And you don't want to be enlightened.

You want to live life,

And it's a part of that,

Up and down,

No?

Don't tag happiness as good and sadness as bad.

This is artificial.

It's not true.

You love happiness as much as you love sadness.

So,

Mars is saying there are hormones and chemicals that affect our feelings and emotions and.

.

.

Yeah.

In ways that we're only starting to understand.

So what?

Don't get over-complicated about it.

If sadness comes,

Embrace it,

And it will go away.

If happiness comes,

Embrace that.

And it will go away.

Embrace the present moment and the inevitable,

Eternal change that it offers for you to experience.

That is why you have a body to experience it.

So,

What are you going to do with this opportunity?

Embrace the opportunity?

Or hide in a bunker,

Because it might be painful or sad or whatever?

That's the only question.

Are you guided by fear or by love?

There's no other question.

Enough for today?

I'd just like to point out that you are over 25% retention.

No,

Just talked about the first 10 minutes of the guided meditation.

Then it can change.

AJ says,

The mind separates us.

It wants to make us feel unique.

That's its job.

To create thoughts to advance the stories it's convinced us as us.

It's a muscle we've overdeveloped,

And it has taken over our essence.

Ancient Greeks believed that thought was one of the senses.

It's meant to be used as one input into our existence.

We have come to rely on thought as us.

That's similar to think that our noses are us and smells are our existence.

Back away from the body and experience yourself as one with everything.

I don't know if you've been in the first 10 minutes of this session,

But that's exactly what we practice.

Back away from your body.

And know that you are the silence behind the noise.

Know that not because somebody told you,

But because you directly experience it.

You are silence,

Not the noise.

And with that,

I would like to say good night,

Good morning,

Wherever you are.

Next week,

I'm probably not going to have a talk because I'm flying to meet my teacher.

So keep in touch.

I'll let you know when we can meet again.

Bye bye.

Love you very much.