Loving & Letting Go | Ayya Anandabodhi

So since I was last here with y'all,

There's been a fire has swept through our property.

Fortunately,

The house is still standing.

And many of the trees and many have been burnt down.

And some we don't know yet.

We'll find out in the spring if they have survived or not.

So we've been on a little adventure,

Going off,

Evacuating to the city and having a bit of time not knowing whether there would be a monastery to come back to or not.

And it's an interesting process.

And behind me here,

There's,

There are two Buddhas.

So there's the Black Buddha,

Which is a very beautiful Buddha image that was given to Ayaswami Sathitita and I when we ordained at Spirit Rock.

And resting on that Buddha is a charred,

Melted Buddha,

But still a Buddha that was given to us when we left Amravati,

Given to us by Ajahn Sumedho.

So that,

That charred Buddha was in a yurt that is no longer a yurt.

And that one of the sisters who was in there before the fire looked around a little bit and found it and brought it out and put it on the shrine.

So we keep it there to just to reflect on the,

In a way it holds something quite beautiful.

So it's,

You know,

It's not aesthetically beautiful or maybe it is.

And it holds the,

It holds the blessing that was given,

With which it was given when we,

When we left Amravati,

It holds that blessing from the Sangha.

And it holds a reality of,

You know,

Everything that is formed has to fall apart and decay.

And that is the nature of things.

So it's embodying that truth.

It's both embodying the blessings and the generosity and also the impermanence and the fragility of life.

So fortunately,

It's,

You know,

Only a metal Buddha that was destroyed and not,

You know,

Human lives and even the animals that were,

We were used to seeing here have come back.

So they're still here.

So that's the last little baby deer and even a few new characters and some young bucks.

And I saw a big lumbering bear last weekend that I hadn't seen before.

So they're all around.

So this,

This experience really brought home to me in a,

In a deeper way,

The,

That there really is nothing we can hold on to.

So it's funny,

Those words,

They're so,

You know,

They're like,

How,

How many times have we heard that?

You know,

And I've been a nun a long time.

I've heard that so many times.

It's like,

Of course,

Of course.

And then when you have those brushes with them,

Maybe you have a brush with death or with serious illness or with a,

With a disaster,

You know,

It's a natural disaster.

It kind of comes more deeply into the heart.

It's like that the reality of that settles more deeply into the heart and mind.

So it was an interesting and quite peaceful experience.

This,

This process of having to evacuate and,

And not knowing whether,

You know,

The monastery would survive or not.

And it's an interesting thing.

I'm a co-founder of Aloka Bahara and then,

Oh,

So if there's no Aloka Bahara,

Then,

You know,

Okay,

That's gone.

That,

That identity is gone.

And you know,

Like attachment to the library.

So I'm teaching,

I'm teaching here from the library and I have a kind of a fondness for this library.

And some of the books came from Amravati.

Some came from friends in California,

Some from Spirit Rock Meditation Center and some books have gone off to prisons.

And there's this kind of,

There's something rather good I like about this library.

And it's like,

Oh,

I might have to just let all of that go.

And you know,

For me,

As we were evacuating also,

Like saying our last goodbyes to the property because you don't know if you're going to come back or not and sort of say,

Sending blessings.

There was a sense of like,

Oh,

That might be,

This might be the last time,

You know,

This might be the last time I see this.

And actually before we even got to that point,

You know,

Being indoors and packing things to evacuate,

You know,

Minimal stuff and then picking things up and like,

Shall I take that?

No,

I'll leave that.

But maybe this,

This is kind of precious.

I can let it go,

You know.

So this process of recognizing that we have to let it all go sooner or later.

And then being outside and ready to get in the cars before we evacuated and recognizing,

You know,

Could be the last time I see these trees,

This building,

Those deer,

You know,

And then,

You know,

Like,

Yeah,

That has to be let go of.

And then this body,

It just became so clear and then,

And then the flesh on this body has to be let go of and the bones have to be let go of.

It all has to be let go of.

And there was a freedom in there.

There was a peace in that because it's,

Because it's true.

So it's been a kind of unexpected gift in a funny kind of way,

This Kaldor fire.

And we've had some losses.

And that's life.

So it's just reflecting on the teaching of the Buddha where he's,

He's reminding us very clearly that everything we hold on to,

Sooner or later,

We have to be parted from that.

Everything that's dear to us,

Sooner or later,

We have to let it go.

Everything we don't want,

We want to get rid of will go away at some point.

You know,

All of that is whether we want it or we don't want it,

It is going to end.

So loving and letting go.

So it can be that we,

It can be that when we,

When we look at that,

We start to get afraid because we want to,

You know,

We want to have stability and security and safety.

And we want to be with our dear ones.

And then we want what we love to last.

It's natural.

And then so we might,

We might either want to reject that truth of impermanence.

Like,

I don't want to think about that.

I just want to love in the moment and not think about that.

But when we try and push something away,

A truth as big as impermanence,

When we try to push that away,

It gets very stressful.

It makes us a little crazy because we're trying to be at odds with reality.

So that teaching of change,

Of flux,

Of process,

Of transience is an essential teaching.

And I feel the teaching of love is also essential.

Not everyone agrees with me on this one,

And I don't mind.

I love them anyway.

But I feel the teaching of love of the Brahma Viharas,

Not just the Brahma Viharas,

But there are many ways that love is pointed to and encouraged in the Buddha's teaching.

And that that's an important part of our relationship with this life and each other and the path.

So there's the five precepts is the first thing that comes to mind.

That we love ourselves,

We care about ourselves enough,

We respect ourselves enough to live in a way that is not causing harm either to ourselves or to others,

Not intentionally causing harm.

This is a form of love.

And we can't always get there immediately.

Sometimes it takes a little while.

But this is a manifestation of love when we're not intentionally taking the life of living beings.

We're not stealing.

We're not committing sexual misconduct.

We're not abusing others,

Taking advantage of others.

We're not lying.

We're not getting confused through drugs and alcohol.

We're allowing our mind to be clear,

To see things the way they are.

So this is an aspect of love in my understanding.

And generosity,

You know,

Being being generous.

This is an aspect of love.

Patience.

Patience is a big one.

It doesn't always feel like love.

But real patience does come from love.

You know,

Not real patience is like grit your teeth and bury and wait for it all to be over.

That's not real patience.

Kind of endurance,

Perhaps.

But patience.

It's like,

Okay.

Yeah,

Right.

It's maybe like grandmother love,

You know,

Love that's seen a lot,

Endured a lot,

Knows a lot and can be patient.

So these I see as all forms of love.

And then there's metta,

Loving kindness or loving friendliness,

Karuna,

Compassion or a wish for beings to be free from harm and any intention to harm.

Mudita,

The love that rejoices in the goodness and in the success and the well being and the beauty of others.

And upeka,

The love that is aligned and attuned with the way things are,

That knows the whole picture,

The beginning,

The middle and the end,

Knows the vastness of the big,

The vast picture of the cosmos and the ever changing nature of things and the recognizing and time that just like that knows that everything that has a beginning goes through process and has an ending.

So upeka is peaceful with all of that,

Knows that,

You know,

The world is far from perfect.

That this practice isn't about trying to make the world perfect.

It's not about trying to make samsara,

This endless round of rebirth into something that's perfect because that's an endless job.

But it's about understanding it.

And while we're here,

Bringing the best that we can,

Showing up as best as we can,

And that changes,

You know,

That can get better and it can dip and it can get better again.

And we can transform gradually so that what we bring to this world and this life is the best,

You know,

Something good,

Something that's a blessing,

Even if it's just to our cat or the tree that's growing outside our house,

Still good.

The Buddha says,

Even if you throw away the water,

You know,

For us,

The water that we wash our arms bowl with,

Even if we just throw the water away with the intention of may this benefit beings,

This is already good.

So we look for opportunities to align our hearts with that goodness and that love and that generosity.

And we recently looked at a sutra and I'm sorry that I don't have the references handy.

And we were looking at a sutra that was where there was a man who was looking,

He was recognizing,

Oh,

The world is,

You know,

Everyone seems to be either,

You know,

Running after sensual desire or,

Or kind of stingy of heart,

You know,

This.

And so this,

This person's looking,

Wondering,

Is there anybody out there who isn't like that?

You know,

Is there anybody out there who's not,

You know,

Seeking sensual desire or,

Or,

You know,

Or is stingy,

Has a stingy heart.

And so he asks,

He's like looking around and he asked someone and this person says,

Oh yes,

There is,

I know one person,

There is this one person,

If you go into the forest there,

There's this monk called Gautama who's free of sensual desire and stinginess of heart.

And so this person goes to find Gautama the Buddha and receives the teaching from him and and,

You know,

His own heart is awakened and realigned by this through this teaching.

And this teaching really stayed with me and it's like,

Wow,

This is a very,

Very helpful teaching.

Because on one hand it's saying,

You know,

If there ain't many people out there who are free from those qualities.

So knowing that it's like,

You don't have to feel bad about being a bit stingy or being overwhelmed with sensual desire,

But you can get interested in it.

So it's not obviously,

You know,

Following those two qualities don't get us further on the path,

They're not aligned with the path.

They pull us off track and,

You know,

Until we're quite far along,

They're going to show up.

So I found that a very kind of helpful little teaching and it's invited me to look more carefully.

So,

You know,

When is sensual design and in the monastery it's,

You know,

It's very well set up to notice when sensual desire arises,

Because there are very few outlets for it.

So for one thing,

It's not getting stirred up too often,

Which is quite helpful.

And also when it is set up,

You've got time to notice it.

And in lay life,

I think it's a bit more difficult and there are more allures,

But you can still get familiar,

You can still know it.

You can still notice and there are times like,

You know,

When you look at your phone,

When you slip into social media,

You know,

Do you just get lost in the,

Do you find yourself like three hours later wondering what you actually went in there for in the first place,

You know.

That's one workplace you can notice like a leaking,

Sort of a falling into since the senses,

The eyes,

The mind,

The ears perhaps.

Eating is another one that's very interesting.

If you can slow down around eating and just see what's going on,

What's going on,

What goes on before the eating,

What goes on in relation to different,

Different morsels on your plate,

You know,

And just watching it.

When do things speed up?

You know,

Maybe when that chocolate is there,

Things start speeding up and,

Oh,

Got to eat that,

You know,

Or maybe there's a version.

So just to get interested.

And then with this stinginess of heart,

I found that so interesting.

I don't see myself as a particularly stingy person these days.

Maybe I was once upon a time,

But kind of less so nowadays.

And,

But I've been noticing moments where that there'll be that little like that little kind of contraction.

Now I don't want to be generous in this moment,

You know,

Like some,

Some recently we were in a situation that the three bikinis here,

We were visiting another place and,

And the conditions were quite difficult.

We were given rather difficult conditions and it was partly because of COVID.

And,

But it was kind of almost like not tenable for life.

You know,

It was like,

We're going to,

We're going to get really sick if things don't change soon.

It was kind of difficult for a while.

And and I found myself,

I found my heart kind of getting stingy of like little resentful that we weren't being treated very well.

And it wasn't very,

Very thoughtful.

And and then I noticed that stinginess.

And so I went and sat in the car,

Which was the warmest,

Driest place available at the time.

And and just looked at that,

Like,

Do I want to cultivate that?

Do I want to cultivate that quality of stinginess towards these people?

And it was like,

No,

I don't,

I don't want to have that in my heart,

Actually.

I don't want to,

That's not what I want to cultivate.

So then just really consciously seeing the storyline that was leading to that stinginess.

They should,

And we should.

It shouldn't be like this.

And okay,

There's these storylines,

And they make my heart contract.

And if I change the story and recognize like,

Okay,

Maybe people aren't being very thoughtful,

And maybe they don't really know how it is to be in this situation.

And and so you kind of,

You know,

Let them off the hook.

And then,

And then take care of what's here.

So I don't want to live with a stingy heart that's small and contracted and resentful.

So then breathing into the heart space.

Metta.

Can I have metta for these people,

These good people?

Breathing into the heart space.

Then it would open a little bit and then breathing a bit more into the heart space that would open a little bit more until at some point,

Not too difficult.

It was like,

Ah,

That's better.

Now I can be with this kind of sense of well being in myself.

And I can meet the conditions as they are without the add on,

You know,

Without putting on top all of the shoulds and the shouldn'ts.

So,

You know,

So since reading that sutta that comes up again and again,

And it's not big,

Not in big ways.

And I don't get big shutdowns these days,

Although I used to.

But it's more being interested in attuning to that.

And when we identify with it,

Then it's a problem.

You know,

If it's like,

I'm not supposed to be a stingy person,

Then it becomes problematic because then it's like,

It starts to be a battle.

But there is no stingy person.

And there is no good person.

There's just a process going on here.

So sometimes that process leads towards contraction and sometimes it leads towards openness.

And so learning to guide the process in the right direction.

And sometimes,

You know,

One has to sit with the stinginess or the shut down this or the resentment for a while in order to see like,

That's not the greatest way to be living.

I don't think I really want that actually.

And you know,

All relationships,

This is something that's become clearer to me since living in the US for some reason.

I don't know why exactly,

But all relationships,

It's become clear to me.

It's probably,

It might even be obvious to you all along,

But all relationships are dynamics.

It's never about the other person.

It's never only about the other person.

So all relationships are dynamics and we can't change the other one or the other ones,

But we can change this one.

We can change what's going on here in our own heart and mind.

We can question the storylines and drop them or replace them for more beneficial ones.

And sometimes it takes a while.

Don't be in a hurry,

But be persistent.

I said,

It's my recommendation.

Don't be in a hurry to fix it,

To fix,

You know,

The,

Certainly not to fix other people because it doesn't work,

But don't be in a hurry to fix your fears or resentments or to be the other side of them where it's all over with it and you're a good person now.

Don't be in a hurry to get somewhere in that way,

But be persistent in meeting them,

In meeting them and questioning them and teasing them apart a little bit,

Getting interested in them and seeing if they can gradually let go.

So to me,

Loving and letting go are very,

Very much connected.

The love supports letting go.

In my experience,

May not be true for you.

I don't know.

And the,

And,

And,

You know,

Resentment,

Hatred,

Stinginess,

Greed,

These things,

They all,

They create a much stronger sense of self.

They,

It's like the self is,

It's like they're the foundations for the self actually,

For the,

For the ego.

But it's built on those things.

And as we transform those qualities,

There's greater freedom.

There's greater alignment with reality.

There's less of an investment in,

You know,

How we look or how we appear to other people or,

Or that we get our way or that we're right.

We're the only right.

Everybody else's right is wrong.

You know,

All of those things,

They don't have any way much to hold on to as you transform them through,

In my experience,

Through attention and care and love and,

And clear seeing,

Seeing carefully.

So when we really pay attention to what's going on,

The Dharma is revealing itself all the time in everything.

It's always here.

We just have to align our lives with the,

With the truth.

And then it starts to become more and more clear.