Here I'll be sharing with you the best ways in which you can feel relief and comfort together with a resolve that you make towards living differently because of what you know to be a better set of choices and a greater presence of kindness and love.
There are two types of loss,
The breakup or ending of a love relationship and a relationship ending through death.
When we have unresolved hurts,
Unspoken words,
Missed opportunities,
When there is unfinished conversations and conversations that became conflicts that were never mended,
It can leave you struggling with closure.
I want to state here that this isn't about taking away your grief.
Grieving is a healthy and often productive means of navigating great loss.
If you are grieving because of what has been left unfinished or in cases where you haven't had an opportunity to say goodbye or to have the conversation to understand why,
If this is a breakup that you didn't expect,
Loss and grief can add a distinctive layering to this time of year,
Especially if your history with that person has included wonderful past holiday experiences shared together.
I think about how effective it is to create the closure that you need and without the person's presence as the process of finding closure will give you insight,
Peace and comfort in ways that you need it most.
It's being able to say the words you wanted to say,
Often the apologies you needed to make,
The appreciation for all that they gave and did and for their love of you.
Acknowledging your regrets becomes a deep dive in self-reflection and creating change in the present that will help you to be your best self.
Closure isn't always about having the moments in front of a person,
Although this can also certainly be helpful.
Closure in a relationship is defined as the psychological sense of peace,
Understanding and acceptance that a relationship has ended,
Allowing you to move forward without the confusion and turmoil of unanswered questions.
It's a feeling of finality in the present that arises from making sense of the relationship ending and resolving emotional pain,
Often through appreciation for all of the good in the relationship and of the other person,
For understanding the challenges and difficulties you had therein and for arriving at a place of acceptance,
That you are having a life experience that we all have.
I'll be helping you by naming the ways that you can give yourself closure that create peace,
Gratitude,
Forgiveness and love,
And that allow for a deeper and reverent understanding of the other person and yourself.
It's important to have a professional to talk to that can give you helpful guidance for finding solace and comfort in ways that acknowledge you can never erase nor change the past and that it is not necessary to do so in order to feel relief and ease.
You'll know when you have created the closure you need because you will feel a sense of peace whenever you think of the person,
Your relationship and the past.
Some or much of the guilt will lift,
Not because you have dismissed your mistakes,
Rather you are able to accurately and honestly see yourself in those moments,
To recognize how your ego or your fear got in the way of being kind,
Respectful and loving instead,
And to let those moments become the teachable learnings from the past that live with you in the present and to all things before now so that you can see your evolution.
It's when we haven't evolved into a better version of ourself that we continue to lose sight of what's missing.
What's missing is your ability to be self-aware,
To learn from your actions and the myriad of choices that you continue to make that is not serving you.
Grief and loss are significant.
They are life's touchstones to the possibility of an inner witnessing and the fragrant conditions that need your greater attention.
For example,
The end of a love relationship,
A breakup,
The dissolution of a marriage and death are all significant guideposts that bring you closer into the depths of yourself to be a careful witness to what lives in the foreground.
Grief can be a catalyst for positive change and the willingness that you hold to make the necessary corrections because life is that journey.
It is a journey of learning,
Of opportunity,
Of growth like no other.
Grief can be helped when you are willing to acknowledge what mistakes,
What hurts,
What damage you have caused and to create out of this an exceptional opportunity to change for the better.
To remember that you are not alone in your loss and yet you do not have to remain in your suffering.
The loss of a loved one suddenly and unexpectedly can leave us searching for answers,
For finding meaning in our grief and sadness and for allowing the gentle tolerance that we can give ourselves because it is our sadness for the moments when we were less than kind that become the pivot towards living better,
Kinder,
More helpful,
More patient,
More thoughtful and generous and certainly more giving of ourself.
To navigate the holidays as you are grieving for an ending of a relationship,
Whether it's disillusion or death,
Becomes a means of cultivating introspection,
Self-examination,
Forgiveness and the powerful steps that you take to be different now and in the future because this will ensure that the ending was for something and for not remaining stuck in grief.
You may want to keep traditions and customary practices the same in ways that honor your memories and the other person.
You may want to simply hold a space to be in whatever form that looks like,
By yourself,
Doing an activity that is soothing and nurturing and not escaping your feelings or ignoring them.
It's certainly not easy work.
There are layers to this.
Everyone goes through their grieving process differently.
What I can tell you what helps clients best is being critically aware and honest with themselves as to the truth of the relationship of what was great,
Of what was not so great,
Of what they need to do differently in the future and how they can find acceptance for what is because what is is how we are able to move forward.
The kind of relationship you had with the person that is no longer a part of your life in the same way they once were is going to drive many of the experiences of your loss.
Conflicted and tumultuous relationships might cause you to focus on only the good now that you are alone.
Relationships in which you are able to find peace and solace whilst the person was still alive can lead you to feeling peace and acceptance even as you may reflect on some of the difficult aspects of what you shared.
I always remind clients to look for the facts and the truth.
This is never one-sided and having a healthy balance of remembering and introspecting on the joys as well as the difficult moments creates an opportunity for you to look at everything.
With eyes wide open,
Your honesty and accuracy with what you remember will best help you navigate your emotions and it will also give you the comfort of knowing how deeply you were loved.
And I'll give you here a couple of client examples.
My client Frank,
Whose father was,
As he described,
A terrible person.
Someone who was violent,
Verbally and physically abusive,
Adulterous,
Dishonest,
Cruel.
Death didn't bring relief.
Rather,
As his relatives began to reveal some of the horrific information that was previously kept hidden,
Frank became enraged and found himself ruminating on his trauma memories.
What we did that helped immensely was to examine all of the ways that Frank attempted to help his mother escape the abuse.
How he himself vowed and kept his promise to never be like his father and,
In this case,
To feel comforted by the knowledge that he often stood up to his father rather than be bullied by him.
We can find relief and comfort in our actions even when the conditions around us have been so very virulent.
And for another client who managed to find ways to communicate with her loving husband after he suffered a heart attack and died suddenly in their home,
Communicating with him through the various signs that Barbara would notice and in the knowledge that he was much still with her and beyond the physical world made it possible for Barbara to go through all of the customary life holidays,
Feeling a strong sense of peace in the new type of relationship that she opened her mind and heart to.
Experiencing loss can be a point of re-examining how you are living your current relationships.
Are you truly connected with your loved ones?
Are you making the effort to let them know that you care,
And are you demonstrating your care often?
For this is the work of what it means to allow grief and loss to teach us better practices for how to live and for remembering the power of the present when we are grieving,
At the holidays and at any moment when our loss overtakes us.
The rich and abundant meaning and the depth of love we felt because of our loved one is the reassurance that our life was made far better because of the other person,
And in many cases because of who we became,
Because of them.
Your holidays and every moment you live now will be out of the choices you make to feel wholeness,
Love and blessed,
And to feel this now,
And in the present.
If you would like my help as you navigate your grief and loss,
Please reach out to me.
Let me help.
Thank you so much for listening.
This is Dorothy Sonorio Chuno.
Namaste.
