True, Necessary & Kind

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

I don't know about you,

But I like things kept simple.

Because when things are simple,

When I have a lot of emotions running through me,

I can fall back on these simple principles and know what to do.

Because I do,

Like you,

Want my life to go well.

And one of the things that I've learned in order to help life go well is treating others kindly.

I talk about it so often on this podcast.

But it's not always easy to do,

Particularly with people that we interact with all the time,

Our loved ones.

And we have a lot of emotions.

And these emotions can get the best of us.

So if I keep things simple,

When the emotions are running through me,

I can run them through filters and say,

Okay,

What do I do?

Because I'm a bit overwhelmed right now.

And I need help knowing how to go forward.

I care for this person.

And I don't want to hurt them.

But these feelings are overwhelming.

And I just don't know what to do.

So today,

I want to talk about what we can do in regards to others,

When our feelings get the best of us,

When they adjust so much,

And we don't know what to do with them.

It's a very simple plan.

One that I think if we really abide by,

Will make our lives with others go so much better.

Because in life,

Sometimes people that we interact with hurt us,

Do things that upset us,

Make us feel uncertain at times,

Not sure what's going on.

And I think if we use the plan that we're going to talk about today,

When these events occur,

We will find that our response will be one that will feel good in our hearts,

And may have the opportunity to open up the other person's heart too.

Because in relationships,

Things happen.

Misunderstandings occur,

Hurtful things are said,

Things that we just don't understand,

Sometimes need to be talked about.

But then at other times,

We talk about things and we wish we hadn't.

We realize if we just waited,

If we had paused,

Everything would have worked out fine.

Or in other circumstances,

If we had slowed down and really processed what was going on,

When we presented it to the other person,

It would have come across in a much more receptive,

Much more kind way,

And perhaps created resolution for us and the other person.

Human communication is something that we're going to have to deal with for the rest of our lives.

Knowing how to do it well,

Having a simple plan,

Particularly when we have a lot of emotions running through us,

Is really helpful.

So let's talk about this plan that we can implement when we have to discuss or communicate with others,

Particularly when there's a lot of emotion running through our hearts.

I think particularly in today's age,

When so much communication is done,

Not in person,

But by texting and so many other ways in which we communicate,

That the true meaning of what's being said can be so easily misunderstood.

And I think having this three step plan in place can be really helpful to respond in ways that will create harmony in our lives and in others.

It's an old saying that is attributed to many different people.

And you may have heard it before,

But whatever its origins,

It's truth.

Truth that we can live by.

Because when we are overwhelmed with emotion,

Either someone that's texted as something that perhaps has hurt our feelings,

Or we're communicating with someone that is doing something that is offensive to us,

There's so many ways in which when we communicate and interact with others,

There can be pain,

There can be suffering,

There can be things that happen that cause us to stress in our hearts.

And we get so overwhelmed that we don't know what to do.

So what is it that we can do in these situations when we're just feeling overwhelmed?

What we need to do is before we respond to the other person,

We need to ask three questions.

Is it true?

Is it necessary?

And is it kind?

I want to repeat that because it's something we really want to remember,

Perhaps put on our phone as a note,

Just to go over and over again,

That when we interact with someone and we're feeling a lot of emotion,

Particularly if it's negative,

We need to ask these three questions.

First,

Is it true?

Second,

Is it necessary?

And three,

Is it kind?

So let's elaborate what these three points are,

And how we can implement them in our lives.

So when we communicate and interact with others,

We can do it in a way that creates beauty,

Love and kindness,

Instead of hatred,

Pain and suffering.

So the first question is,

Is it true?

You may be thinking,

Dr.

Puff,

If they said it,

It must be true.

But we don't know we don't know what they meant by what they said.

We don't know their intention.

I mean,

Of course,

What they said,

And what we heard can be very different.

We all know that.

Some words don't necessarily reflect what their meanings are.

And communication goes through a lot of filters on their side,

And on our side.

So the first question we want to ask,

Is it true?

I mean,

Is that what they really meant to say?

So clarifying,

Seeking more information,

Finding out more,

Making sure that what we're feeling is based on truth,

That what that person said or did is actually what they said or did.

I love gathering information.

I think it's super helpful as we navigate life's course.

That's why we listen to podcasts to learn to grow.

But part of it is,

When we're bombarded by emotions,

We first need to ask,

Are these emotions that I'm feeling based on truth?

Is it based upon what really is happening?

Or perhaps am I creating a story?

Am I misunderstanding?

Or is something else going on?

Is this nothing at all to do with what that person is saying?

As an example,

To illustrate this,

In my work with people,

I talk about,

If I have a cut on my arm,

And someone hits me right on that cut,

I'm gonna feel a lot more intensity than if they just hit me and there was no cut on my arm.

It's the same in regards to other people.

People may say things that may seem hurtful,

But it may be a lot more hurtful if I'm already overwhelmed with my emotions in regard to that pain.

So we need to ask first,

Is it true?

And gather information.

And I think this is exceptionally true in today's age,

Where we don't often communicate in person anymore,

But via our phones.

And because we do that,

It's so easy to misinterpret texts or messages that we leave on the internet.

I think if we can say,

Hmm,

I am feeling a lot of emotions by what I just read right now,

Perhaps I need to ask a few more questions in a way of just asking,

Oh,

Could you tell me more about that?

I was a little confused by what you just wrote.

There are very many healthy ways that we can gather information.

We have to take that approach.

If we accuse them of saying something,

We're already going down the wrong path.

This is about gathering information to finding out if our feelings that we're overwhelmed by right now are necessarily true.

It's not that our feelings aren't true,

It's just they may be based on a false misunderstanding of what the other person meant to communicate.

And trying to find out what they meant in a kind,

Open way is very helpful.

So the next question we ask ourselves is,

Is it necessary for me to even say anything about what's going on?

I have negative feelings,

But perhaps it's,

Again,

Has very little to do with the other person,

Or it just isn't that important.

I understand they were just in a hurry,

And they didn't mean it the way they did,

And it won't really solve anything by talking to them about it.

So I'm just not going to say anything.

Of course,

Sometimes it's very important to talk with the other person,

But that's why we ask the question,

Is it necessary to communicate this with the other person?

And if we decide it is,

Then we go to the third point,

Which is,

Can we do it in a kind way?

In a way that we communicate our feelings,

Our thoughts,

But in a way that's kind.

Because when we communicate kindly,

I believe we'll find a lot more receptivity on the other person's side.

And we all know this.

We've had experiences of someone screaming at us,

Calling us names,

And our guard goes up so fast,

We're not going to hear one word that they said,

Even if it's truthful.

But the reverse is also true.

When the person puts on a kindly disposition,

And we can see that they're really making an effort to be gentle and kind with us,

We're so much more receptive to that than if they're angry at us and upset at us.

I understand we have a right to our emotions,

But if we want to communicate with another person in a way that's effective,

That produces results,

Kindness is the path to go.

It works.

It works really well.

And we all know examples of people that are kind,

And we listen to them far more than the people that are abusive or mean and cruel.

Recently,

I found a beautiful quote by Mr.

Rogers.

It's from his book,

Life's Journeys According to Mr.

Rogers,

Page 95.

He writes,

There are three ways to ultimate success.

The first way is to be kind.

The second way is to be kind.

The third way is to be kind.

Mr.

Rogers was heard in our world.

We listen to him,

And he has made a huge impact on communicating with others,

Particularly our children.

We too can be great communicators with others,

And sometimes our emotions just get the best of us.

But if we pause,

As I so often talk about,

And go through this three-step process,

I think we'll find that our relationship with others will greatly improve and be far more harmonious.

And equally important,

We'll find harmony and happiness in our hearts.

It's three parts.

First we pause,

Then we ask these three questions.

Is it true?

Is it necessary?

Is it kind?

Thank you for joining me on the Happiness Podcast.

Besides creating this podcast,

There are a variety of other things that I do.

If you'd like to keep abreast of these activities,

And perhaps someday we may be able to meet in person,

Just go to www.

Happinesspodcast.

Org.

That's happinesspodcast.

Org.

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And if you do,

You'll be emailed a free PDF copy of my meditation book called Reflections on Meditation.

And until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.