Living Free Of Roles & Fantasies (Part 5 Of 7)

So,

Welcome guys to another session on the book,

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

Today we are on session five out of six sessions.

So this is the second last.

And today we are going to be talking about how it feels like to live free of roles and free of all these chains that are keeping us from being ourselves.

And we are also going to look at some of the family patterns that may be holding us back.

Okay?

So,

I invite you to take a couple of deep breaths and transition into the session.

Today's session is going to be a little bit lighter than the other ones.

At least that's what I'm sensing.

That's what I'm feeling.

It's going to be a little bit more inspiring because we are going to start connecting with what's on the other side of doing all this work that is really hard.

What are the benefits that we are going to experience?

And how is our life going to look like on a different way?

Thank you so much for doing this exercise with me.

Yeah,

So let's keep going with this beautiful book.

Okay?

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents from Lindsay C.

Gibson.

Okay?

Hi Loretta.

I am fine.

How are you doing?

I'm doing okay today.

I just went to play some squash,

Moved my body,

So I'm feeling good.

So I'm happy to be here with you guys.

So,

Today,

Chapter 9 of the book,

In case you have the book,

About how it feels to live free of roles and fantasies.

So,

In past sessions,

We talked about the self-role,

Self-roles that we may create when we are little because we don't get our needs met.

Being our true selves,

We don't get our needs of attention,

Of emotional connection,

Of being taken care of.

We didn't get what we needed.

But we found that creating a different persona,

That the book calls it the self-role,

That adjusted to whatever dynamics were happening in the family,

You will be able to get some of it somehow.

So you created this self-role and also you created a healing fantasy.

That the healing fantasy is basically creating a fantasy in your mind of how things are going to change in the future and how your parents are going to be able to give you what you needed.

And we carry these fantasies and these self-roles throughout our adulthood.

Unless we do work,

Unless we identify them,

Unless we do what we are doing in this session,

Becoming aware,

Noticing,

Being curious,

Questioning,

And then doing the work of,

Is this really true?

How can I move forward in a different way?

How can I use the strategies that we learned in the last session on how to change the interactions that we have with emotionally immature parents and emotionally immature people in general?

How can we change the dynamics?

How can we become the observer and observe the dynamic from the outside without getting reeled into it,

Okay?

Without getting involved emotionally in the dynamic.

So before we dive into how it feels like to live free of these roles and fantasies,

Let's look at some of the family patterns that may be holding us back when we are doing this,

Okay?

So one of these patterns is discouragement of individuality.

So individuality,

It is discouraged.

Emotionally immature parents don't like individuality.

It's too risky.

It's too unpredictable.

It's too uncomfortable.

So it is not encouraged,

Okay?

So that is one family pattern that I invite you to really look at it.

Is this true?

Did you spend your early years tiptoeing around the anxieties of an emotionally phobic person?

So your individuality,

According to the book,

Is seen like a threat to emotionally insecure and immature parents because it stirs up fears about possible rejection or abandonment.

So there is a lot that can happen when you become individual,

Okay?

And that is not something that they want because unconsciously,

All of these things are always unconsciously,

Okay?

So they didn't decide consciously,

I am going to be an emotionally immature parent.

I am going to negate you what you need.

So this is all unconscious.

But basically,

That is one pattern,

One family pattern that many were growing up in,

Okay?

And it's very important to become aware of it,

Okay?

Another pattern,

Denial of individual needs and preferences.

So this is very related to the other one.

But basically,

Your individual needs and preferences are denied.

And you are in this family dynamic.

And we talked in the last session about this enmeshment.

Basically,

These patterns,

These dynamics that happen that includes everybody.

And there is no individuality anymore.

You are a part of something that is happening,

That family pattern,

That family system that has been created and runs the family.

So denial of individual needs and preferences is another family pattern that you can look at and really question,

Was this my reality?

Is this something that I am experiencing now?

Am I carrying some of this?

Is some of this holding me back?

Is some of these patterns holding you back from being the person that you want to be?

From really owning what you want,

For feeling safe enough to express your preferences,

And feeling that you are worthy,

That you deserve to have that,

Right?

Many times we feel like,

No,

I don't want to take up space.

I don't want to talk.

I don't want.

It is selfish to ask for what I need.

But many times it's like,

No,

That's that's your right.

You just were grown in a household that maybe that wasn't allowed.

So the book says,

In such families,

Internalizing children often learn to feel ashamed of the following normal behaviors,

Okay?

So these behaviors that I am going to read now,

When you were growing in these kind of families,

Children,

Especially internalizing children.

So if you remember in session one or two,

We talk about internalizing and externalizing,

Two different coping mechanisms to cope with emotionally immature parents.

So the children who are internalizing,

Basically they don't express emotions.

They are,

Normally everything happens inside.

So you don't really know what's going on either.

From the outside,

You don't know what's happening because everything is inside of them.

So these are some of the behaviors that they feel ashamed of.

Enthusiasm.

So being enthusiastic about something.

Spontaneity.

Just being spontaneous.

Sadness and grief over hurt,

Loss,

Or change.

So feeling sad,

Feeling grief,

That was unwelcome.

Inhibited affection.

Saying what they really feel and think.

So you didn't feel safe to probably express what you really felt and what you really thought.

Expressing anger when they felt wronged or slighted.

So you didn't feel allowed to express anger when you were feeling angry about something.

On the other hand,

They are taught that the following experiences and feelings are acceptable or even desirable.

I'm gonna read this and then I go to the comments.

So these are the things that they encouraged.

Obedience and deference toward authority.

Physical illness or injury that puts the parent in a position of strength and control.

Uncertainty and self-doubt.

Liking the same things as the parent.

Guilt and shame over imperfections or being different.

Willingness to listen,

Especially to the parent's distress and complaints.

Stereotyped gender roles,

Typically people pleasing in girls and toughness in boys.

Toughness in boys.

So these are some of the things that were encouraged and it's just another awareness piece,

Another awareness tool about is this something that happened to me?

Is it something that I'm still carrying and believing it is true?

And all these family systems and all these behaviors,

It's important to really go one by one and really assess if that exists in your life.

Because you won't be able to move forward if you don't recognize this,

If you don't become aware of it,

If you don't become aware of the impact that these things have in your life currently.

And then from this place of awareness,

Then you can get started with the strategies that we learned.

Then you can get started transforming these beliefs into some other beliefs that are more empowering right now for you.

Okay,

So let me see some of the comments that you guys are sharing.

Yeah,

My ex family was like that.

My ex's family was like that.

Everything had to be done together.

Couldn't do anything without them.

Yeah,

Juliet,

I actually feel the same.

It wasn't really promoted when I was little to do my own thing.

We always say together.

It was weird if I was doing my own thing in the presence of other people.

So the impact that that has in my reality now with my wife is that sometimes I will feel abandoned.

If she's making her own lives and she doesn't think about me,

It may trigger that,

Oh,

I'm feeling sad,

I'm feeling lonely,

I'm feeling abandoned.

You don't care about me,

You don't love me.

And that dynamic,

We are healing that dynamic together because I sense that this codependence coming from this.

And now we are actually trying our best to many times make lunch separately,

Eat separately.

Of course,

We eat together sometimes and we are working on,

I don't want to need you for anything.

I want to spend time with you,

But I don't want to have the need of.

It's very different to have lunch together because we want to than to need to have lunch together.

And if we don't,

You don't love me,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

So thank you for sharing that because it's so true.

Many times codependence exists because of these beliefs.

What if I have lived my whole life under those terms,

Repressing individuality?

How can I change that after decades of living that way?

Rachel,

That is a great question.

How can you change something that has happened for so many years?

First of all,

Rachel,

Becoming aware of it.

You become aware of it,

You question it,

And then you make a decision.

Is this something that you want to work through?

Is this something that you would like to change?

And it is your choice.

So you don't have to do anything that you don't want to,

But if you sense that this is holding you back,

If you sense that it's time to do something about that,

Then you can choose to start doing something about that.

In my case,

As I share with my wife,

That's coming up,

Okay?

In the last month,

It's like,

It's just,

It feels weird for me to go to the house,

Make myself lunch,

Don't even ask her,

And eat on the table when she's in the other room.

It just feels weird for me,

To me.

It just feels so weird.

But then I have to work through that,

Because she says,

Emilio,

Sometimes I'm not hungry at the same time as you.

Sometimes I have a yoga session right after,

And I'd rather eat earlier or after.

You play squash and you don't want to eat.

So sometimes it's okay if we don't eat together.

And sometimes we have a beautiful date and we eat together.

So it's about starting to take a different action.

And when you do that,

You are going to start steering dynamics.

That is also true in your family.

You are going to start rocking the boat.

But again,

If this is your decision,

If this is your choice,

You can start doing the work,

Okay?

You can.

So let me see.

I remember myself as a very sad child.

People would ask me to smile.

Even to this day,

I am afraid of people losing it,

Starting to yell.

Yeah,

Iris,

That's a traumatizing event for you.

And that is something that if you choose to,

You can look at it and you can try and work through it,

Right?

There is a lot of work around inner child trauma,

Inner child work,

Shadow work.

Those are some types of therapy.

Family system therapy is also a thing that exists.

So there are a lot of avenues for us to be able to look at these things.

There are meditations that is all about inner child healing.

So there is a lot of things that you could do if that is your choice.

Yeah,

Me too,

Iris.

Anger scares me.

Yeah,

Anger scares you,

Of course.

Yeah,

Conflict avoidance can be a result.

Yeah.

Growing up,

If my parents wanted to visit family,

Friends,

And I wanted to stay home by myself,

I was in high school,

They wouldn't allow it.

They wouldn't allow it when I ask because we are a family and families show up together.

Yeah,

So there is a lot of expectations.

And sometimes it's difficult to promote that individuality,

Right?

Yeah,

It's cultural.

Sounds like a delicate process to disconnect from expectations of togetherness.

Yeah,

This is work that you have to do also with the other person,

Right?

You have to really be clear about what you are doing.

And that's why I'm really clear with Samantha.

We are working towards healing any codependence tendency that we notice.

And that starts with any little expectation that we may have from each other,

We question it.

Why do I have to have lunch with you today?

Like,

I mean,

If you're doing your own thing,

I'm doing my own thing,

Why can't we have lunch separately?

What's wrong with that?

Sometimes I enjoy having lunch while I'm listening to something,

While I'm watching a video,

And I am in my own bubble.

And there is nothing wrong about that.

Sometimes we have lunch together,

But we are doing our own thing.

And sometimes people are like,

Well,

That's weird.

It's like,

Well,

It's intention,

We take it with each other.

And we decide what we want to do,

What the moment feels like for us.

So it can be weird,

Absolutely.

It can be very weird.

But it is not impossible.

And again,

This is always a personal choice,

Okay?

You don't have to do anything that you don't want to.

But hopefully this awareness will help you really question things and understand where you are standing.

Another thing that the book talks about before we go into the benefits,

It's adhering to an internalized parental voice.

So the book talks about the inner critic voice that you may have in your head.

And it says that it occurs through a process I call parent voice internalization.

As children,

We absorb our parents' opinions and beliefs in the form of an inner voice that keeps up an ongoing commentary that appears to be coming from inside of us.

But often this voice says things like,

You should,

You better,

You have to.

But it may just as frequently make unkind comments about your worth,

Your intelligence,

Or moral character.

So this is the inner critic voice that we may have.

And the book really recommends to really question those voices,

To really tackle them.

And it talks about a book.

It says,

Although this commentary sounds like your own voice,

It's really an echo of your early caretakers.

If you would like to learn more about this,

The book,

Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice,

Can help you identify where your inner voices came from and how to free yourself from their negative influence.

So there is a book called Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice that can support you in the process of recognizing those voices and really healing them,

Transforming them into something different.

So these are some of the things,

Some of the family patterns,

And some of the things that may hold us back when we are going through this process.

And now we are going to dive into the freedom of doing this work and what can be happening to us if we keep doing this work.

So let me say,

Yeah,

My fear of others' anger carries information.

For me,

It means that I am feeling unsafe.

I am working on reparenting that scared child in my head and stay out of the other person's story,

To stay in my own lane and out of whatever made them angry.

It's theirs,

Not mine.

Yeah,

Wake up.

I just want you to wake up.

I want you to wake up.

I want you to wake up.

Yeah,

Wake up.

I just want to talk about that anger piece,

Okay?

Because it is okay to be angry.

It is okay to find a way to express that anger.

But it is not okay to go to someone and just dump it on them without consent,

Without creating a container,

Without asking for permission.

That's not okay.

And without being connected to your heart.

So there needs to be a boundary here.

For example,

With my wife,

What we do when we are angry,

We will say with each other,

I need to express something and can you hold space for me?

And then we may create a specific timeline.

Okay,

I give you five minutes or I give you 10 minutes or you have my attention for two minutes.

And then we try to express that anger,

But we try not to dump it.

We try to express it,

Right?

We are expressing the anger because it's about us.

It's not about the other person.

So we try to hold space for each other.

So if someone comes to you and they start doing that,

You can hold your ground and you can say,

I'm sorry,

I'm not ready to receive this.

You have to let me know that you are doing this.

This is not okay.

This is actually,

You are abusing me right now and I don't accept that.

So you can set a boundary and you can leave.

If they don't stop,

You can just go and leave and create space.

So I don't know what dynamic is.

I don't know who is in front of you sharing anger,

But that's a dynamic and you can break that dynamic by not participating in it.

So I just want to make that clear that it is not okay to do that.

And we all have the choice to don't accept that.

And it makes sense that if it has been a dynamic that has happened for a really long time,

It's not going to be easy to get out of it,

But it's not impossible.

And as soon as you change,

That dynamic is going to change because you are no longer being a part of it.

Wow,

Sounds like a good couple strategy.

So Iris,

This is one of the things that we learned in our six-month couples program that we did.

They invited us to say,

You need to have tantrums sometimes.

Just have a tantrum.

Be witnessed by your couple having a tantrum.

And my wife is very vocal and she screams and she like,

And sometimes she does that.

Samantha,

Do you want to have a tantrum?

Yes.

So here,

Two minutes,

Go for it.

And I hold space and I am working my capacity to be with that anger and don't collapse,

Don't run away.

And she's working on her capacity to express that emotion and let it go and be seen in that emotion.

And it's beautiful.

It's beautiful to watch.

It's beautiful when,

As I say,

You are not,

Wow,

You are,

Ah,

This feels like this.

And when you did that,

I felt that way.

Whatever.

You can do the tantrum however you like.

But that's an exercise that you can practice.

That can be a new dynamic that you guys create for each other.

Do we need to say,

I am sorry,

Though,

When we hold out our boundary hand?

Becca,

It's your choice.

You don't have to say,

I'm sorry.

You say,

Sorry,

I'm too polite because I've been in Canada for 12 years now,

Okay?

I didn't used to say,

I'm sorry,

So much.

But Samantha says,

I'm sorry,

Pretty much on every sentence.

You don't need to say,

I'm sorry.

No,

You can just say,

Excuse me,

I'm not ready for this.

Excuse me,

You didn't ask for consent.

It's not okay what you're doing.

You have to stop right now.

Or you can ask them a question.

Do you need to express?

Okay,

Let's just set a timeline.

I don't want to be here for like half an hour.

I don't know.

However it comes to you,

Right?

And it also depends on how emotionally mature the person in front of you is.

Like some people are going to,

They won't understand what you are doing,

But that's what you are modeling to them.

You are modeling to them,

Setting boundaries.

You are modeling to them,

It is not okay to do what you are doing.

You are modeling to them with me,

That dynamic doesn't work.

So yeah,

You can say,

I'm sorry,

Or you don't have to.

Because I'm not sorry.

They are angry unless I caused it.

Yeah,

Exactly.

If they are angry,

Why do you have to be the recipient for that anger?

It's just not fun,

Right?

Yeah.

So do you guys have any other questions before we dive into the good stuff?

Yes,

Indeed,

But still hard to hold your own triggers.

At that moment,

Your partner is venting their triggers.

Veronica,

It makes sense and it just takes practice.

Keep in mind that Samantha and I,

My wife Samantha and I,

We have been practicing doing intentional dialogues for a really long time.

So we have practiced a lot.

And at the beginning,

It was very ugly.

We were not able to do it.

And it took us a bunch of times to show up for each other and to be willing to mess up,

To be willing to just show up the best we could in that moment.

And by practicing and practicing and practicing,

It became a very healing practice for us.

So once we can hold space and listen to each other,

They are sharing with respect,

And we are receiving it also without having to take it personally.

We don't have to fix,

We don't have to interrupt.

We are just listening,

Right?

So it's a very clear and neat structure that we follow.

So that's why creating structure around these things is so important.

Because if you don't create some sort of boundaries or limits or structure to be able to express these things,

It's very easy to have someone in front of you for half an hour just venting on you.

And you just don't want all of that.

That's not fair.

So that's why it's important to really,

First,

You have to be ready to receive that.

Second,

You can decide for how long.

And it is not,

You don't have to do anything with it.

You just have to witness and validate maybe.

But that's it.

Yeah.

When I notice anger in my spouse,

I invite him to identify and express his emotions.

I ask him,

Are you angry?

And he says,

No,

I am not angry.

Yeah.

Of course,

It's very difficult sometimes to connect with what's underneath that anger.

Okay.

And sometimes it may take a little bit of self-work,

Inner work to really recognize,

Wow,

I am angry because this happened and this trigger happened to me.

And that's a pattern of mine.

And so you have to become self-aware.

You have to be willing to do this work.

You have to be willing to have a notebook where you are going to write down the triggers that you notice and how you react.

And then you are going to use an executive functioning skill that is called metacognition to become an observer of yourself.

And to decide something different in a future occasion.

Okay.

So for example,

In my own life,

I have a trigger when my daughter is eating and she's making a mess with food.

It just,

I noticed my nervous system gets like this and I just can't stand it.

So I noticed the trigger.

The trigger is making a mess.

And that triggers me into becoming controlling.

I want to do something about it.

I need to reach out.

I need to say something.

I just can't be.

So my work is next time that happens,

First,

I have to become aware.

Emilio,

There is mess happening.

Emilio,

Your nervous system is collapsing.

You're getting tense.

You're breathing differently.

You're getting angry.

You want to do something about it.

And I have to change how I react to it.

And that takes practice,

Practice,

Practice.

And I will go to my wife and say,

Samantha,

I feel triggered when he was eating and she's making a mess.

I just want you to know that because if I become this,

Maybe you can help me.

If I don't see it,

You can tell me.

And then sometimes she tells me and then I,

Okay.

And sometimes I can't change it in the moment.

I have to leave because I am in the dynamic and I am already too far into it.

And I can't come back.

I don't want to.

I'm angry.

I want to be angry.

I want to express what I'm feeling.

And sometimes I can get out of it.

And the more I practice it,

The more I notice like,

Okay,

That trigger is becoming less and less and less controlling,

Less and less and less intense.

And then I can start making new choices.

And when you do that work,

You are basically creating new pathways in your brain.

You are changing how you impulsively reacted for a long time into acting differently because you are creating a pause.

You are using your metacognition executive functioning skill to create a pause between the trigger and the action.

Okay.

Normally when you are acting impulsively and consciously,

There is a trigger,

There is an action.

It's automatic.

When you start bringing presence and willingness and curiosity to that,

You are going to start noticing,

I'm feeling triggered.

I'm feeling triggered.

I'm feeling triggered.

Don't go to do what you always do.

I'm feeling triggered.

Breathe through it.

Okay.

What do you want to do with it?

Okay.

Now I'm going to do this.

Boom.

So you create a pause and that allows you to do something different.

So that technique is mindfulness,

Is breathing,

Is being present.

And you can cultivate that with meditation,

With self-care,

With many practices,

Yoga,

Martial arts,

Whatever it's for you.

Maybe for you is cooking.

Whatever that is for you,

You cultivate that emotional self-regulation capacity,

That metacognition capacity,

That impulse control capacity.

And then you start behaving differently and you will become a different person.

And when you become a different person,

The dynamics around you are going to change.

At least the ones you are involved in,

They will just change because you are not,

You are no longer participating the same way.

So I hope that that makes sense.

But what if your reaction to the mess is for you to teach her to eat better at the table or sometimes like that?

Yeah.

And that's totally valid,

Juliet.

And we try to teach her,

Eva,

You have to please try to do this.

But you can do that with an open heart.

You can say,

Eva,

It's okay to make a mess.

Next time,

Maybe we can try this.

Now,

Would you like to help me clean it up,

Please?

You can be acting with an open heart and you can teach her from that place.

And making a mess is not a big deal.

I'm not just pointing what she's doing wrong.

I'm also telling her,

Wow,

Eva,

It's amazing that you are eating by yourself.

It's amazing that you're using a fork.

I really like that you're using a napkin to clean your mouth.

It's really nice that you are eating at the table with us.

And maybe you can try and eat closer to the bowl.

Or maybe we can try to do something different so that the food doesn't fall from the table or on the ground.

So if it's like that,

It's fine.

But my tendency is like,

Eva,

What are you doing?

Eva,

Use the napkin.

Eva,

No,

No.

And I grab her hand and I get like that.

That's not okay.

That is not teaching her with an open heart.

That is me being triggered.

That is me going into a dynamic that most likely comes from me being little sitting at the table and hearing my parents,

Especially my dad,

Emilio,

Put your sleeves up.

Emilio,

You eat with both hands on the table.

Emilio,

What are you doing?

Stay on the table.

So there were so many rules.

And maybe it comes from there.

I don't know.

The only thing I know is that I get triggered.

That is a trigger for me.

So that is just an example of something that you could try to create the pose,

To observe,

To cultivate your self-regulation and to really notice what's happening.

Yeah,

So let's read some of the benefits of doing this work and what it may feel like to live free of self roles,

Free of healing fantasies,

Free of having to get involved in this emotional rollercoaster and dynamics that no longer serve you.

And how when you start using the strategies that we learned in the last session,

How can you start interacting in a different way and what is that going to give you?

Okay,

So are you guys ready to read the main benefits of becoming detached from emotionally immature parents?

Yes.

Okay,

Let's do it.

Oh,

My legs are falling asleep.

So the first one,

Freedom to be human and imperfect.

So you can be free to be human and imperfect.

How does that feel?

You can just be yourself.

You can just show up the way you need to.

You don't have to do things perfectly.

If you make mistakes,

It's okay.

No one is going to be behind you telling you things.

Second one,

Freedom to have your genuine thoughts and feelings.

You can feel and think whatever you want,

Because they are yours and you don't have to be influenced by anyone else.

So freedom to have your genuine thoughts and feelings expressed.

So freedom to have your genuine thoughts and feelings expressed.

Third,

Freedom to suspend contact.

So let me explain that.

Freedom to suspend contact.

With who?

With the person that is emotionally immature,

With the person that is putting you in the dynamic that is hurting you.

This is something that you can set a physical boundary.

You can set a boundary of,

I am not going to see you for the next week,

Month,

Whatever that timeline is for you,

Because you're doing the work.

And you notice like,

I cannot see this person yet,

Because I am still healing myself.

And when I am ready,

I will then start contact again.

So you have the freedom to suspend contact if you need to.

And it doesn't have to be forever,

Okay?

But you have that freedom.

And then the other one is freedom to set limits and choose how much you give.

So this one goes in hand with the other one,

Okay?

So if you notice that you can manage specific things with your parents,

But you know the limit,

So you have the freedom to set limits and to choose how much are you going to give,

Okay?

So you can go to the other one that you suspend contact all together,

Because that's what you need for a specific amount of time.

Or you can set limits if you feel comfortable with them.

So let me show you an example.

For the last 10 years,

Since I moved to Canada,

Every year we go to visit my parents in Spain.

So we tried several strategies of how can we spend time with them without feeling burned out.

And we knew that because we tried it,

We cannot stay with them.

It's just not healthy.

We just don't choose that.

And Samantha especially says,

I just can't be there,

Especially because of your dad and your sister,

But especially your dad.

He has his routine.

He has the TV on.

He doesn't show interest.

I feel like I'm tiptoeing around him.

I feel that I'm wrong.

I have to do things a specific way.

Everything is how he wants it to be.

And it makes sense.

So we had to set limits.

And it was,

For me,

It was heartbreaking to tell my parents,

We're coming to Spain.

We are not staying with you.

And they were,

What do you mean?

Sorry,

We are not staying with you.

And I had to explain why I had to.

And it was really hard,

Especially my mom.

She was like,

But why don't you stay here?

Why don't you stay here?

And so that I can be with Eva and I can,

Because it just doesn't work.

We need our independence.

So that is a healthy limit for us.

So how much do we see them?

To be honest,

Samantha set limits.

Say,

I don't want to go into your parents' house.

I'd rather meet them outside of the house.

Because when I go into the house,

I get sucked into your dad's dynamic.

And I don't want to be there.

It's not healthy.

That's not what I want.

I get it.

I understand why.

Uh,

So that's just one example.

You can choose,

Mira,

I'm going to see you two hours a week,

Or I'm going to come for dinner for an hour,

And then I'm going to go,

Or I'm going to come and see you every day for 20 minutes,

One hour,

Whatever.

And then as things evolve,

If things,

If the dynamics keep improving and you do the work and you don't get involved,

And it's not emotionally taxing for you,

And you make progress and you see willingness from your parents to also do their part,

Or at least they respect what you are doing,

Then you can increase that,

Of course.

So this is all your judgment.

But that's a beautiful strategy.

You have the freedom to set any limits that you need.

And hopefully they will be accepted.

But if they are not,

You are still free to do that.

You don't need their approval.

You don't need their validation.

Okay.

That takes courage and a lot of letting go.

Veronique,

It did.

But something I did when we were in Spain for the whole year is like,

I went on a vacation to my parents' house.

And I told Samantha,

Like,

I feel like I am going to go for a vacation with Eva,

Just Eva and me,

To my parents' home.

Why?

Because I felt I can handle one week.

I will enjoy sleeping there.

I will enjoy seeing my daughter engaging and interacting with my parents,

Having breakfast,

Having dinner,

Going to bed together,

Just having a routine of a whole week.

And I did enjoy it.

Could I do it for longer?

No.

Was it for me 100% enjoyable?

No.

But I did enjoy the connection.

I did enjoy being there and eating together and waking up together and having breakfast together.

It was more quality time.

And Eva loved it.

Eva had a good time.

And then Samantha got a break also because she was doing her own thing.

She had the apartment for herself.

And then she got some space.

So again,

You can choose whatever feels good to you.

And you can always set limits.

You can always change your mind.

Like,

If I were to be there for the second day of that week and I noticed that my mental health was suffering,

I will just leave.

And I will be honest with my parents,

I just can't handle this anymore.

This wasn't a good idea.

I'm sorry.

Bye.

See you tomorrow.

But it wasn't like that.

I could manage it,

OK?

So that is one example of how it can look like.

Another benefit,

Freedom to have self-compassion.

So you can take care of yourself.

You can discover what that looks like for you.

And you can start modeling that to the people that maybe don't believe in that.

And yeah,

Knowing your own feelings and having sympathy for yourself are two basic building blocks of strong individuality.

Only if you have self-compassion will you know when to set limits or stop giving excessively.

Extending compassion to yourself can be so healing,

Yet it can also feel quite unnatural at first.

One woman described it this way.

I looked back on that little girl I was and saw that she went through a lot.

For the first time,

I felt bad for myself.

It was like exhaling after discovering that I had been holding my breath for a long,

Long time.

So many times,

We believe that being self-compassionate is selfish.

We believe that practicing self-care and taking care of ourselves,

It's weird.

It's unnatural.

We should be always giving to others.

Why are we alone?

So discovering what that is for you and creating boundaries that support you and doing activities that energize you is something that you are free to do.

Okay.

Another one.

Freedom from excessive empathy.

Okay.

So this is the one where,

And I'm sure many of you are going to relate,

If you are and I'm sure many of you are going to relate,

If you are empathetic and you can put yourself in someone else's shoes,

Sometimes something happened to the other person and then you get so involved that you will get lost in what happened to them and you will forget,

Oh,

This is me and this is them and this is the line,

Right?

And I can choose to be as empathetic as I want,

But I don't have to get lost in there with them.

And most likely,

It's not going to serve them anyways if you do that.

So freedom from deciding how much empathy you give,

How much empathy you get into,

And don't get lost in other stories,

In other situations,

In other emotions.

Because if that's what your tendency and you do that with everybody,

You are going to be completely drained and you will forget about yourself and what you need.

And this is not being selfish,

This is the freedom to know where your line is.

You need to discover that,

Okay?

So it says,

Internalizers are so emotionally sensitive that they can go overboard in feeling empathy for other people's problems or what they imagine other people's suffering to be.

Sometimes they end up feeling worse about another person's situation than the other person does.

With healthy empathy,

On the other hand,

You can have compassion without losing awareness of your own limits,

Okay?

So very important,

Right?

I'm not saying don't be compassionate,

I'm not saying don't be empathetic,

But don't get lost in it either.

So find your line,

Find how much can I give here,

How much can I feel here,

And when it starts to become detrimental for myself.

So Juliet says,

Did Samantha's stance with your parents create unspoken tension from them towards her?

So Juliet,

Most likely,

But you know what?

We did circles.

I facilitated circles where I opened up and I created a space where I invited them and say,

I would like to have a circle.

And a circle is basically,

Took them to nature,

We sat on a beautiful picnic table under trees,

And I had my Tibetan singing bowls,

I had some candles,

And I had a speaking totem,

So an object that you can grab,

And then when you have that object,

You are the only person speaking and sharing.

And I did one circle,

And it was amazing to really hear what everybody had to say,

And we also had courageous conversations,

Especially with my mom.

My dad is not very expressive in that way,

He normally is an internalizer and he will keep everything to himself,

So it's very difficult to even know what he's feeling,

What's going on,

What do you want,

How do you feel?

He won't express a lot,

But my mom,

She will just cry or she will express what is,

And she's willing to go there.

So we never,

We never like,

We always shared what we were doing and the reasons why.

We always shared openly.

We don't come to the house because that every time you come here,

Samantha doesn't understand Spanish really well,

She comes here,

We come for a visit,

And it feels that you don't care.

You keep,

You sit on your chair,

You put the TV on,

You don't turn it off,

You don't come with us to see us,

You don't ask any questions,

You don't play with Eva,

It feels that we are a burden to you.

That's how it feels like.

And I understand that this is your house,

I understand that this is what you enjoy doing,

But if you don't,

If you don't want to see us,

Then we're not going to come here.

It feels like,

It feels like that.

It feels that you don't care about us.

You don't want us here.

You're gonna do your own thing.

And sometimes we have lunch together and he finishes lunch and then he gets up and he leaves.

And it's like,

But what about the sobremesa?

Sobremesa is when you stay after,

You have a coffee,

Sometimes you play a game,

Sometimes you talk,

You ask questions,

And you have nice conversations.

I don't need to do any of that.

And then he leaves.

So it's like,

Okay,

So if that's what happens here,

So we don't need to come.

We will see you outside of the house because it's more fun,

Because you don't have access to the TV,

You don't have your chair,

You're not the king of the house.

You are there with us and it's more enjoyable.

And he's more,

He engages more because he's out of his environment.

So that's why we decided to,

Let's go for lunch to this restaurant,

Let's go for a hike to this place,

Or let's go to visit this town,

Or we're gonna go and visit this friend,

Things like that we can do.

But going to the house and hanging out for three or four hours with Samantha,

No.

At the beginning it's rough,

At the beginning it's difficult,

But it is what it is.

And that is the truth of Samantha's heart and I totally accept it because I understand and I get it.

And yeah,

That's what we did.

Family members don't understand sometimes,

But it's like,

Ask any questions you want,

What do you need to know?

There is nothing to hide here.

You don't understand why we don't stay there,

We don't stay there for this,

For this,

For this,

And for this reason.

And it doesn't have to make sense to you,

It makes sense to us.

And we tried,

It's not that we didn't try,

We did try many times to stay there,

It just wasn't healthy.

Emilio,

That's amazing that you chose to step up and draw those boundaries.

Well,

It was Samantha mostly who did it and then I followed suit.

And then she's teaching me how to do that and she also is teaching me like,

Guys,

This work,

I did this,

A lot of this stuff before reading the book intuitively.

Because I remember breaking dynamics,

I remember changing the way I was showing up,

Setting boundaries,

And then Samantha was telling me,

Emilio,

You don't know that you have options,

You forgot that you can do this.

It's okay if you don't,

People please all the time,

It's okay if you say no to this.

And I was like,

Oh,

Is it okay?

But it's weird,

No,

I mean,

They are my parents,

Like,

But how am I going to tell them that?

So she really encouraged me to step in my power and to really question these things.

And many of the things from this book,

These are such beautiful strategies to do,

Because if I have had this knowledge before,

It would have been a way easier ride,

Honestly.

And I would probably share this book with them in Spanish.

And I want you to read this book and I want you to,

Let's discuss chapter by chapter,

Especially with my mom,

My mom will be open to doing that.

My dad probably will say,

Well,

That's a silly thing.

But yeah,

Emilio,

Did you resist following SUD?

How long,

Weeks,

Months,

Years did you resist?

Susan,

One year.

I think the first year we went back and then we stayed with them and then it just didn't work out.

And then the second year we stayed with friends and that didn't work out either because we were arriving to their house really late and we were tired and we just wanted to rest and then they wanted to engage with us.

And then we had to be there present and we didn't have space to just be.

So from that time on,

We always rented an Airbnb or we always rented a place for us.

It's way more expensive,

But that's what we do when we go.

Okay.

So another one,

Freedom to take action on your own behalf.

So freedom to do what you feel,

To take action on your own behalf without having someone controlling you,

Someone telling you what to do,

Someone influencing what you want to do.

So you have space and you have the freedom to decide,

I want to do this or I want to do that.

Freedom to express yourself,

Freedom to express the truth of your heart in the moment.

And it doesn't mean that it's going to be the truth of your heart forever.

But in that moment,

You are feeling something,

You are allowed to share it.

And that can change.

Freedom to approach old relationships in new ways.

So this is what I did with my parents,

Right?

I approached their relationship in a new way because I still love them,

But I was noticing dynamics that I didn't want to keep being involved in.

I see dynamics that are not healthy and I respect them,

But I will talk about them and I will be honest about them.

And if they don't want to change them,

Then I set the boundaries that we were talking about.

I am free to set the boundaries.

I am free to decide what I want to give and what I don't want to give.

So freedom to approach old relationships in new ways.

You do have that.

And the sooner you change yourself,

The sooner those dynamics are going to change.

So you are going to rock the boat.

You will.

Some people are going to get upset.

Yes.

But I promise you,

If it's your truth and you keep staying consistent and you stay with an open heart,

Being respectful,

But being clear about your boundaries,

It's either people will live forever or they will stay confused and then come back and then create a new dynamic with you.

OK.

And hopefully it will be a better one.

Freedom to not want anything from your parent.

I repeat that one.

Freedom to not want anything from your parent.

Like,

How would that feel to you guys if you truly didn't need anything from your parents?

Because you have the freedom of doing that.

And that is,

We were talking in the last session about cutting the energetic cord with your parents so that they don't influence you anymore,

So that you don't feel that you are connected with them.

You don't have dynamics that are hidden.

You don't have that healing fantasy of something needs to happen this specific way and they will do it for me.

And you're always expecting that.

So what happens if you just remove all of that and then you just feel complete?

You still love them,

But you don't need anything from them.

Just imagine the freedom that that will generate in you.

Yeah.

Explaining why is key.

You have given me ideas for next family Christmas.

First,

I need to articulate the reasons.

I'm brave enough to have the conversation.

Yeah,

Mari,

It's very difficult to start these conversations,

But the sooner you start them,

The sooner things will change,

Right?

Baby steps rather than dropping it all at once,

Like at holidays.

Becca,

It depends.

It depends on the dynamic.

Sometimes baby steps work.

Sometimes baby steps don't work.

Because if there is a toxic dynamic that keeps happening,

Sometimes you have to really make yourself big and say,

This is it.

That's it.

There is no more.

And that is not a baby step.

That is a heck no.

I don't accept this anymore,

Right?

And sometimes baby steps,

Okay?

So it depends on the specific situation.

It depends on the specific dynamic.

It depends on the goal that you are trying to get.

And remember what we talked about the last sessions about approaching these interactions with emotionally immature parents or people.

Instead of expecting something emotional or getting involved in dynamics,

You are not getting involved and lost in that.

You are entering that with a specific goal in mind.

Why are you interacting with them?

What do you need or want from them?

And be concrete,

Be specific,

And then manage the interaction so that you always,

Like maybe they say,

No,

But I just came here because I need this information.

No,

But so what?

And then be clear about the goal.

If the goal is I want to have a conversation about Christmas because I don't want to do gifts anymore.

For example,

Okay,

So that is your goal,

Right?

To have a conversation and to maybe you are not going to say,

We are not doing gifts anymore.

You say,

We have been thinking and we don't believe in physical gifts anymore.

So we are not going to do that anymore.

And that is what we,

So we don't expect anything from you and we are not buying things for.

So I don't know,

That's one idea,

Right?

I don't know what the conversation is about,

But you can think about it and then you enter that conversation with that goal in mind.

Thank you so much,

Maria,

For your donation.

I think it also depends on the culture.

Like most of non-Western world is collectivist society,

Whereas we are in individual society,

Yeah?

I have family in both sides and I see how these concepts might not always be the best,

Especially with elders in the Eastern culture are more accepted.

It's essential to live in multi-generational homes.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

Absolutely,

Marika.

I mean,

We behave the way we have learned and we are influenced and conditioned by how we were raised.

And I was raised in Spain.

It's very different than in Canada.

It's very different than in India.

It's very different than in Peru.

It's very different than in Egypt.

It's just different all together,

Everything.

So absolutely,

You have to understand and you have to be respectful and you are still free,

Okay?

Because the culture says or the norm is blah,

Blah,

Blah.

It doesn't mean that you have to do that,

Okay?

You have the freedom to decide.

Are you going to rock the boat?

Most likely.

Are you going to make people upset?

Maybe.

But at the end of the day,

This is your life.

This is you being clear and honest with your heart,

With what you want,

With what's true to you.

And this is about you trying to express that in the way that feels best for you.

So how do you do that?

It's going to look different for each person.

It's going to look different in each culture.

The way of approaching this and the strategies may be different.

And at the end of the day,

You have to decide,

Is this something I want and need?

Because maybe you don't want to change anything,

Right?

And if that's the case,

Then why are you trying to do it?

Just forget about it.

But if you truly feel the need of this dynamic is no longer serving me,

I don't like the interaction that I normally have with my mom.

I don't like what my dad does that.

I don't like what's happening in my brother's house.

When you have a sense and you feel the need to get out of a toxic dynamic or you are recognizing beliefs,

Something that is no longer serving you,

Then you make a conscious decision about doing something,

Changing.

And that is your freedom to do if you want to,

Right?

No one has to tell you what to do or how to live,

Hopefully.

Emilio,

Did your parents blame and get mad at Samantha when you drew those boundaries?

No.

No,

They were shocked,

But they accepted them.

And they say,

We understand.

And we told them,

Like,

Listen,

We are open to have a conversation.

Let's just chat about it.

Ask any questions you need.

Like,

This is not something that we are imposing.

This is something that we need.

And if you want to know more about it,

Let's just,

Like,

Here we are.

Let's just have a conversation.

Don't be shy.

Ask what you need.

And we were completely honest.

And my father and my mom,

They were present and we told them exactly why we were doing that.

And they know everything.

And my father wasn't willing to change his behavior.

And he's like,

It's your home.

You are welcome to do whatever you want.

But we are not going to come here to visit you for four hours because we don't feel comfortable.

We don't feel invited.

We'd rather go somewhere else.

And that is our freedom to do.

So,

Yes,

Family culture is very different in Europe than in North America.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So,

Guys,

Thank you so much for being here today.

I hope that this session brought some awareness to these things to look forward to,

Right?

And also the dynamics that we talk about that may be holding you back,

Especially the inner critic voice that may be showing up constantly.

And then the beliefs that we created about being independent,

Thinking about ourselves,

Being imperfect,

Being human,

Expressing our feelings,

Our thoughts,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

Hopefully,

You recognize or relate it to some of that.

Yeah.

I think not being attached to the outcome after setting boundaries is key.

Yeah.

Fascinating event today.

Thanks,

Emilio.

Thank you so much,

Susan.

So,

Guys,

Thank you.

Thank you so much for being here.

If you enjoyed this session and you can support me with a donation,

As always,

Please hit the donate button and support my time.

This was session five of six.

So,

Next session will be the last one.

And we are going to be looking at how to find emotional mature people.

So,

How do they look like?

How do they act?

What do they do?

What are the characteristics of emotionally mature people?

And that's going to give you a lot of information to be able to understand more about the person that you have in front when you are communicating.

With that awareness,

You're going to become aware of,

Oh,

Yeah,

This person is pretty mature because they do this,

They do this,

They do this.

So,

That makes me feel safer and I can open up more to them because they will be able to receive.

Or maybe you know these red flags and then it doesn't mean that you are not going to hang out with them,

But at least you are aware of and then maybe you can walk around or maybe you can model how that looks like so that they can learn from you.

Or maybe you have a conversation or maybe you talk about the book.

I don't know.

Whatever the moment calls for.

But yeah,

It will be a beautiful session.

It will be the last one about this book.

Okay.

Yeah.

Thank you,

Emilio and Tim for the review on this important topic.

You're most welcome.

Emilio welcomes comments in his group called,

Yeah,

There is a circle called Your Thriving Lifestyle that you can join on InsideTimer and you can share anything you want in there.

You can share how things are going.

If you are practicing any of these strategies,

Feel free to use that as a container.

Okay.

Amazing,

Guys.

Have a wonderful rest of your Thursday and I will see you in the next session if you can make it.

And remember that I have recordings of all the sessions that you can find by going to my profile link on InsideTimer and then you click on the About tab and then you click on the link that you have in there.

And there is an option that will tell you InsideTimer live sessions recordings.

Okay.

So feel free to go there if you need to watch the recordings.

Amazing.

I'll see you in the next one.