Selfgentleness In Action (14/11/25) S11: Selfgentle Holidays

Welcome to my monthly Self-Gentleness Live.

It's the 14th of November 2025 and I'm so happy that you are here.

If you don't know me yet,

My name is Femke Bakker and I'm a Self-Gentleness teacher.

And if you do not follow me yet,

Then just go to my profile here.

You can click on it and then you will be following me.

You will get notified when there are new lives,

New upcoming lives,

Or new tracks published.

And I would really love to hear from you who you are,

Where you are in the world.

And especially when you think of the upcoming holidays,

What stands in your way to make those a self-gentle one?

Because yes,

That is the topic of today,

To prepare for the holidays,

All family festivities.

How are you going to deal with that?

In general,

When we think of the holidays,

We think of a really lovely,

Beautiful time with loved ones around us.

And it should be like that.

It should be a lovely time.

But at the same time,

We also can feel friction,

Demands,

Expectations,

Expectations of ourselves,

Expectations we feel from other people.

And that can be sometimes hard to deal with.

And in Self-Gentleness Academy,

I've been working this month on this theme,

How can you prepare for a self-gentle holiday?

And that is exactly what we're going to do here today also.

So I would love to hear who you are,

Where you are in the world,

And what is maybe particularly difficult for you when you think of arranging the holidays.

So hi,

Luanne!

Lovely that you are here.

I'm so happy to see you.

And of course,

Feel free to tell me more who you are.

All right,

So let me tell you a little bit more about my work on self-gentleness.

So I've been a teacher here since 2019.

And I started as a meditation teacher,

Which I am also.

And at a certain time,

I started to make courses,

And I made tracks.

And at a certain moment,

I realized that the red thread throughout all my work has basically a single message.

And that is,

How can you be more self-gentle with yourself?

And if you are new here,

You might wonder,

So what is she speaking about,

Self-gentle?

What is that word?

Well,

Self-gentleness,

I coin it like this.

Listen.

It is radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

It's radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

Now,

Is that hard?

Well,

Sometimes it is,

And sometimes it's not.

And that is what I love about that word,

Self-gentle.

Because we can all think of these moments in our lives when we are gentle with ourselves,

Because we feel we deserve some gentleness,

Because we did something right,

Or we're proud of ourselves,

Or someone else told us something that made us happy,

Made us feel good about ourselves.

We all have these moments,

Whether your life is going as you wish or not so much,

We all know these moments.

And my work is to shift your perspective in such a way that looking at yourself in a self-gentle way becomes more and more easy.

And that is not a quick fix.

That is not something that you just have in a minute.

Like I always say,

I'm a master of self-gentleness.

And that means not that I am self-gentle 24-7,

I am not,

But it does mean that I recognize when I'm not,

And that I then know how to find my way back to that self-gentleness.

And sometimes it takes some time.

There are topics in my life where I find it particularly hard to be gentle with myself.

But there are also moments in my life when just realizing that I'm not just puts me back into that calm,

Pleasant space where I feel that self-gentleness.

So I've been thinking,

I've been contemplating,

I've been preparing to start writing a book about it.

And more and more,

One of the first things you think about is,

So what kind of title would I give that?

And I know now what the title is going to be.

That is going to be the self-gentleness perspective.

Because the deeper I dive in this work here and in Self-Gentleness Academy,

I realize that it is all about shifting that look that you have on yourself.

We all have an inner critic.

Even if you are in balance and basically satisfied with yourself and your life,

We still can have that inner critic.

Or we can have that inner warrior that is worrying about the future,

Even if the future is a to-do list for today.

Or the things we chew on.

Or the old conditioning that we feel,

That we suddenly realize,

Hey,

This is something that I'm doing all the time and I don't like it anymore,

So why am I doing it?

By step-by-step shifting your perspective towards more self-gentleness can really,

Really help you to start to live life with more ease.

So some time ago,

I used to call this a work-in-progress process.

A few months ago,

I realized that I don't want self-gentleness or becoming self-gentle to be work.

Because I know you guys,

Everyone who is resonating with my teachings is someone just like you.

You are here.

You are meditating.

You are working on yourself.

You have read piles of self-help books and tried all kinds of things and you have grown.

You have maybe even tried therapy and you have grown.

You have been working on yourself and you've come very,

Very far.

And you can be proud of that.

You did that.

My message from the self-gentleness perspective is that you can stop working hard.

That you can stop trying to fix yourself.

That you can stop looking for the next thing that you want to improve or to change or to make better.

I just want you to realize that you are good enough right as you are right now with everything that you did,

With all the growth that you have done,

But also with all your flaws and your conditioning and your,

Oh,

Oops,

There I go again.

It's all okay.

Because you know what?

It's you.

And you are okay.

You are so worthy of everything.

You are so lovable always.

And I just want to ingrain the knowing,

The perspective within you that you are okay just as you are.

Because when you start to adopt that perspective,

That's a self-gentle perspective.

That's the perspective where when you trip and fall,

You support yourself.

You comfort yourself.

And I'm not speaking about pretending everything is all right or to pretend that everything is good and positive when it's not.

No.

It's not like that.

It's about being okay where you are right now,

To comfort and to relax yourself where you are right now,

And to know that from here,

Things will get easier.

Because you accept where you are,

Because you allow yourself to be who you are,

And you are gentle with yourself.

So I'm a self-gentleness teacher,

But it doesn't mean that I'm a self-gentleness guru.

So I'm not here to tell you,

Do this,

Do that,

And then everything will be okay.

I'm a teacher.

I want to show you that you can find that self-gentleness within you.

And I think that's the most important part that I do.

So I have these lives every second Friday of the month,

And I so love them.

I so love to connect with you.

I so love to talk about all these different topics of our lives,

These different areas where we can apply self-gentleness.

And then,

Which I will do also in a bit,

I guide you in a meditation,

And a lot of people love it.

And I can see in the comments and the emails that you send me afterwards how much you love it,

How much it's helping you.

And I'm so glad about that.

But my answer will be always the same.

You did it.

I showed you the way,

Or maybe I just reminded you that it is okay to be gentle with yourself.

So,

My name is Femke Bakker.

If you're not following me yet,

Then just click on the card so you will be following me,

My work,

Every time something is published,

A live is planned.

And I can tell you now already that my next live will be on the 12th of December.

And that will be self-gentleness in action,

How to be happy.

I love to speak about it.

How to be happy.

And with happy,

I don't mean happy-de-peppy,

Everything is perfect.

How to be happy while just being where you are.

Because I promise you,

It's possible.

But more about that on the 12th of December.

Today we will be speaking about preparing for holidays.

How can you make yourself gentle?

So let me take a look in the comments and see if anyone shared something about what is hard for you when you think of your holidays and how you can make them self-gentle.

So I saw Luanne.

Hi Christine,

Also from Massachusetts.

Hi Caitlin.

Hi Mona.

Caitlin is from Denver,

Colorado.

Welcome.

Hi Liz from Philly.

Hi Cara,

Belvedere in Ontario,

Canada.

Hi Lauren from Colorado.

Pamela from Chicago.

Hi Cherry,

I'm so happy that you made it in time and thank you for all your love,

Your hearts and lovely.

Thank you so much.

And you were in the Netherlands today,

Yes.

If you didn't notice yet on my accent,

I am Dutch and I'm living in the Netherlands,

Yes.

And I know Cherry is living in Belgium,

A neighbor country,

But today he was in the Netherlands,

I saw.

Hi Christine.

So Christine is saying,

I have issues with a lot of my family.

If they were friends,

We wouldn't be anymore yet for the holidays.

We have to see these people.

I am dreading it.

Oh yes,

Christine,

I think you're not alone in that.

I think a lot of people have that.

So we'll speak about it in a bit.

And hi Annemiek,

So lovely that you are here.

And you're just going to listen and maybe doze off.

So Annemiek,

Let me tell you already,

I hope you will have a lovely sleep and you will wake up in time tomorrow.

So MG,

I think you're Mona,

Right?

It can be hard to try to cook a great meal for family.

Absolutely.

Yes,

Because there are a lot of expectations and there might be a lot of wishes and there might be some limitations also,

Because some people cannot eat this or do not want to eat another thing.

So,

Yeah,

That can be also a real challenge.

I can see that.

Caitlin says,

I always feel stressed around the holidays,

I assume.

Inge says how to take me time in a full house and in between all festivities from Belgium.

Hi Inge,

Welcome.

That's also a really,

Really great question.

And then Thierry says as an entrepreneur,

It is hard not to work during holidays.

The balance between working and not working is difficult,

But I can separate them better and better and make some days espresso for family and friends.

So that's lovely.

Oh,

Yeah,

I do have a cold.

Excuse me.

So I might cough a little bit here and there.

Kara says how to balance family dynamics and unresolved conflict at holiday time.

Yes.

So let's start to speak about that.

The things I heard are.

It's a time where it's difficult because we bring people together who are family and we basically assume that the family should be together during the holidays.

But like someone said,

Actually,

We wouldn't really be friends.

We wouldn't choose to be together if it wasn't for the holidays.

If I understood you correctly,

If not,

Then correct me.

So that is one thing that is the the all the expectations we have about,

Oh,

I have to be with my parents,

I have to be with the parents of my spouse or have to be with my children or maybe have to come to another family.

And we always did it like that.

And I have to adapt to that.

So that's one thing.

Another thing was the meantime you're in the middle of those festivities and,

You know,

You feel overwhelmed and everyone is expecting things from you and you have to cook and make sure everyone has a good time.

How can you find that space for you?

That's something for during the holidays.

And then Caitlin says,

I've stressed about buying thoughtful and enough gifts,

Especially feeling financial stress.

Um,

Finances are tight this year more than ever.

Yeah.

So we can boil it down to a lot of expectations.

Let's start with that.

So one of the things.

OK,

Let me start with this.

The core practice of self-gentleness,

And that's the very first thing you learn with me,

If you follow my course or whatever you follow in self-gentleness with me,

Is that I teach you to tune in.

And what is tuning in?

We will do it in a bit together.

Tuning in is to actually take the time to calm yourself down and to notice what is living within you.

What is living within you that needs to be heard?

What is living within you that you become aware of what you do not want,

That you become aware of what you do want,

That you become aware of what your actual desires are?

And in a sense,

We all think that we know that.

But the truth is,

When you start to tune in and to really listen what is going on,

We sometimes discover that we want things,

Or we do not want things,

Or we desire things that in our heads are impossible.

So for instance,

When you dread those family festivities where you expect yourself to go to because you know what is expected of you,

And you take the time to tune in and to really feel that you might not want to do that,

That is very confronting,

Right?

Because the moment that you realize that,

A thought might pop up that will start with yes,

But.

Yes,

I know I want this,

Or I do not want this,

But,

But,

But,

But.

And how can you deal with that then?

So in a bit I will get to what you can do during the holidays,

But I first want to focus on,

Because we are still,

If you are in America,

Then you will have Thanksgiving coming up,

And then later in December we all have Christmas,

Or maybe Hanukkah,

Or another holiday that you are celebrating with your family.

So,

It all starts for me with really starting to tune in with yourself,

And to,

To allow yourself to realize what it is that you actually would like to do,

Without hearing the buts immediately.

And to do so,

I want to give you this thought,

It is okay to realize what lives within you,

Without the need to immediately resolve that problem,

To immediately find a solution,

Because our wish to find a solution,

Very often stands in the way to just be with what is living within you.

So,

This core practice of,

Of,

Of tuning in,

This core self-gentleness practice of tuning in,

Is basically where it starts for any area in your life.

If there is an area in your life,

Like for instance holidays,

Where you notice that it is really,

Really hard to,

To be self-gentle,

It basically means that it is time for you to tune in,

And to really connect with what it is that you don't want,

And what it is that you do want.

Without any expectations of yourself to actually fulfill those wants and don't wants,

Because that might feel really,

Really off.

So,

Starting with the tuning in,

And just realizing what is there,

And what you,

What you,

How you would like to shape that holiday,

Is a very first start of realizing it.

And that's also why I would like you to start now,

Instead of,

You know,

A few days before,

Or waiting until you are in the middle of family festivities,

And you just explode,

Because it's becoming too much.

So tuning in,

And feeling what it is that you would like and wouldn't like,

And then to start journaling about that.

Or,

As I've learned from my dear Luanne,

If journaling is not your thing,

You can express yourself in a different way.

Maybe you would like to write a song,

Or a poem,

Maybe you want to draw something,

Maybe you want to glue things together,

Maybe you want to knit something.

You know,

Whatever way you express everything that you are feeling around that,

Take some time to map that out for yourself.

And the second step would be to think of what you loved during holidays that you had in your life.

What elements did you love?

What things were just so lovely?

Maybe it is you,

You know,

Remembering your childhood when you came down in the morning to find some presents under a Christmas tree,

Maybe it was the lighting of the candles,

Maybe it was going to church or to temple,

You know,

Maybe it was just cuddling with your grandma.

Whatever those good memories are,

It's really,

Really good to write those down,

To remember those,

And to know that this is also possible.

That these beautiful memories,

These good experiences,

Are actually what you're longing for.

So,

You know what you do not want,

You have a sense of what you do want,

You have some memories of how it was,

And it's good to realize that the friction that you might be feeling is like the gap between,

On the one side,

Those good memories and a longing for those moments,

And your fear of the way holidays are shaped,

Actually based on expectations.

The expectations that everyone has built together.

Because,

Let's think this through for a moment.

If you are dreading the family festivities,

If you feel it's not so comfortable,

You do not really feel like,

Do you really think that you are the only one who is feeling that?

And that the aunt or the mother or the grandmother or the person that is inviting you with all those expectations is actually also longing for a version of those holidays that feels like you would like it to feel.

So,

You have tuned in,

You have written what you would love to take out of your holidays,

And then comes the next step.

And the next step is again to tune in and to be really honest to yourself.

If you feel that you can get at least a little bit of those good experiences in those upcoming holidays,

Or that it takes too much adaptation on your part to actually make that happen.

And adaptation is not always a bad thing,

Unless it feels bad.

Unless it ignites a lot of resistance within you.

Unless it feels like friction.

A question that I would like to ask you.

If you are really dreading the holidays,

What would happen if you decide not to go?

What would happen?

Just ask yourself,

Imagine for a moment,

What would happen if you would just say,

I want to do this this year,

Maybe next year,

But this year I choose me.

And going there will not make me happy,

I will not have those lovely experiences,

I will just not go.

And I'm not telling you not to go,

Right?

I'm telling you to check with yourself what it does to you when you ask yourself that question.

The thoughts that will come up will tell you a lot.

The thoughts might tell you,

Yeah,

Oh,

It feels like a relief.

If I don't have to go,

Oh,

I will just,

You know,

Ask my best friends to come over and we will see a really great movie and we order pizza.

Maybe that is something that would really make you happy.

Then explore that thought a little bit,

Explore that.

Explore what you would do then,

And if that would make you feel better,

If you feel a relief,

Right?

Because the best test of any question that you ask yourself,

How do I like things to be,

Is what you feel here in your stomach or in your heart or wherever you feel resistance.

Do you feel a relief?

And the moment you feel a relief,

You know you're on the good way,

You are on the right way to find a better place for the holidays,

You are finding a better way to create your holidays.

Now it can also be that when you ask yourself that question,

What would happen if I would not go,

That there is also resistance.

That you notice,

Hey,

It's not so much the expectations of the others,

But I would love to have a true connection.

I would love to sit with my family and sing together and just feel good.

And if that is your answer,

Then explore within yourself,

What can I bring to the table,

Literally,

And maybe not just literally,

What can I bring to the table,

What can I bring to the holidays to bring that a little bit closer.

And maybe you notice,

I kind of like those expectations and I kind of like to sit around the table with my weird family and seeing how this uncle and that aunt are making,

You know,

Having some words and seeing my mom busy in the kitchen and seeing all the kids running around and I just know that I want to be there,

But you know,

The next day I will not stay over,

I will go home and the next day I will do something completely else.

Okay,

These are just three examples and they're not examples for you to do,

They're just examples of the millions of possibilities that might rise up within you when you start to ask yourself those questions.

Now,

When you've gone through these steps,

Here comes the harder part and that is that you can start to design your own holidays.

So,

You have a lot of information now.

You know what you don't want,

You know what you do want,

You have some lovely memories that you want to ignite again into those holidays.

Now it's time to start designing that.

So,

For instance,

Sorry,

I forgot your name,

But someone said I want some me time during those festivities.

So,

I'm assuming a lot,

If I'm wrong,

Let me know.

I assume that you do love the holidays,

But you do feel overwhelmed and you feel there's a lot on your shoulders.

So,

In your case,

I would ask myself how can I make it more light for myself.

Maybe I will not take all the cooking upon me,

Maybe I will this year ask everyone to bring something.

You bring the first course,

You bring dinner,

You bring a side dish,

You bring a dessert,

You bring the music,

You will set the table and what will you do?

You will be the guest,

The person who invites everyone.

Maybe that is just enough and maybe it is also okay to think,

To create a space for yourself where you can sit,

Where you can be for yourself and that you just practice before or maybe tell the people when you invite them.

Listen,

I love to have you all over,

But I notice sometimes I get a little bit overwhelmed.

So,

What I'm going to do is that when I feel that I need some time for myself,

I will just say guys see you in half an hour,

I'm going to take some me time.

It is okay,

You can tell them,

You can tell them.

The thing is with taking me time,

Not just during the holidays,

But in general,

I recognize that,

Right?

I also have sometimes a hard time taking me time.

No one will give you me time unless you give it to yourself and that sounds a little bit harsh and I do not mean it like that,

But this is what I am speaking about,

About that shift in becoming more self-gentle.

When you become more self-gentle,

You recognize sooner what it is that you need.

So,

The tuning in practice is something that I teach you to do at least once a day,

But preferably a few times in a day to really take a moment and it can be just a minute when you're in the restroom to notice what is going on and what it is that you would like to do,

What it is that you need.

And the sooner you recognize this,

The sooner you realize this,

The more easy it is to carve it out for yourself.

Because if you wait until you feel overwhelmed,

That is way harder to take that me time because you feel the friction already within yourself.

Now,

Then Caitlin mentioned that she has a hard time to buy really thoughtful gifts for everyone,

Especially because you are experiencing some financial stress.

So,

In that aspect,

Really be gentle to yourself.

I know that a lot of people expect gifts and want to give things,

But this is also something that you can communicate by saying,

Hey guys,

This year I'm a bit tight.

I'm planning to create or make sure you will get something thoughtful,

But I'm going to keep it within a lower budget.

And I don't mind if you do the same.

You can do whatever you want,

But I don't mind.

And actually when I'm thinking about it,

Let's maybe just create something for each other,

Write a poem,

Write a story,

Create a song,

Play some music,

Bring a book to read from,

Meditate together.

There are so many things that can be such a gift for other people.

And you know,

It's hard to speak about money.

It's especially hard when you have the feeling that other people have more money than you,

And you want to match that.

But in my experience,

The best way forward is to express that.

And not in a sense like you have more money and it's hard for me and you buy me something big,

And now I feel obligated.

But you can say,

I feel a lot of financial stress at the moment,

And I really have to watch how I'm spending it.

And I was thinking of a different way of doing this this year.

And I would love for you to join me.

You can do whatever you want,

But just know that this is what you can expect from me.

I will give it with love.

I will create it with all the love I have for you.

But this is going to be it.

And that's okay.

And I'm pretty sure that in 99 of the 100 times,

People will love what you come up with,

Because it's about the spirit.

It's about the connection and the love.

And I think with this,

I'm coming to the last part.

When we know what we do want and we don't want,

We need to find a way to communicate that.

And yeah,

Communications are hard,

Especially when it's in this expectation-filled area like holidays.

But in general,

When we know what we want,

And we expect friction from others,

Or we expect some pushback from others,

Or maybe angriness or disappointment,

It's not so easy to communicate that.

So my step-by-step process that I would recommend for any communication is first to know where you're coming from,

To really speak from your own place.

So whatever others are wanting or doing is not so important.

You can tell them,

But you are doing this,

Or you are expecting that.

But that's a recipe for a conflict.

That's a recipe for friction.

All you can do is say,

I feel a lot of resistance to coming to the holidays because I notice there is often conflict,

And I'm really not up to being in conflict this year.

So maybe I will be there next year,

But I've decided this year to make my own holiday in a nice,

Quiet,

Loving way.

Or in another scenario,

I love having you all over,

But I notice that I'm already days cooking and cleaning and preparing,

And I'm so overwhelmed.

And I lack the time for me when preparing this,

That when we are together,

I cannot really enjoy it because I'm so tired and overwhelmed.

So I would love for us to do it differently this way.

And I thought of a way that you can help me so that we can really have a lovely holiday together.

Would you bring dessert?

Would you like to come one day early to help me clean the house?

Would you love to set a beautiful table and pick everything to put there?

Just think of what others can help you with.

And if you don't want to be the manager even,

Because you don't want to do that also,

Then just ask someone if they want to manage everything for you.

You will be the host.

You will be there,

Calm,

Feeling good in connection with yourself while the others manage it together.

That's another scenario.

And then there's the scenario which I just said about the gifts and then whatever your scenario is,

As long as you don't speak,

As long as you don't express what it is that you need,

It will not happen.

It will not magically happen,

Especially not in something like holidays when expectations are so high and so many people forget to tune in and to express what it is that they actually want.

So,

You might be surprised.

You might be surprised when you will be the first one to put something new on the table,

A new and fresh idea,

Expression of longing for more love and connection,

The expression of more self-gentleness,

An expression for more gentleness,

An expression for whatever it is that you desire.

So,

I talked already a long time.

I'm just going quickly over the comments to see if there are some more pressing things that I would like to address and then if not,

Then I will guide you in the meditation.

So,

Let's see.

There are a lot of comments.

Yeah,

Like Jerry said,

Not to give gifts but to appreciate the time together and to make something small.

Luanne makes everything,

All the gifts by yourself done by me.

That's so lovely,

Yes.

And I've seen the beautiful work that you did,

Luanne.

So,

You're really,

Really gifted in that.

Hi,

Amanda.

Welcome from Australia.

Good morning to you.

Amanda says,

Yeah,

No,

Thank you.

Spend my whole life trying to understand why my parents hate me.

Narcissistic parents,

I will never forgive them.

Yeah,

Amanda,

That's not easy.

So,

It sounds like,

You know,

No holiday with your parents and it sounds like the most self-gentle way to go.

Yeah.

Is it okay for you to do that?

I think you responded in that way,

Right?

Like,

This is what you will do.

So,

Inge writes in Dutch that it feels also a bit,

A little bit scary to do so and I can imagine that,

Inge,

That the communication of expressing those needs is one of the most scary parts there is and especially when other people are giving pushback or telling you,

You know,

Are basically judging you in whatever way for expressing what you need.

So,

Just know that you have the right to express what you need and in the moment that you get pushback,

Just remember this,

That's actually a good sign.

When you get pushback,

It means that they have hurt you.

They hurt your wish and they don't like it,

But that's up to them.

When you get pushback,

They hurt you.

And when you get the pushback and you feel that people are still trying to get you to be where you do not want to be,

It is also okay to say,

Listen,

I hear you,

But I've said how I want it.

I understand that you're disappointed,

But you're not going to convince me.

I'm sorry.

Or no,

Don't say I'm sorry.

This is just how it is.

And don't expect also the first time to succeed in that.

And if it feels too spannend,

Too scary,

Then think of one thing,

One thing that doesn't feel as so hard,

But that will feel like a win for you.

Yeah.

All right.

Pamela says,

A group of friends and I decided to stop the gift exchange and just a dinner out.

Yeah,

That's really,

Really great.

All right.

So let's meditate together.

What I want to do in the last 20 minutes that we have is to tune in together.

And then I will guide you to a place where you can actually connect to what is living as a desire within you for your holidays.

And just know,

If you're seeing something and you're immediately thinking,

Ah,

But this is not possible,

Just let go of that thought,

Because we're just doing it in your fantasy.

And maybe that's just enough for now.

We're speaking here,

Becoming aware of what's living within you.

And I know I've said a lot of things that you could do,

But also be self-gentle in this process.

If it still feels too difficult to really live up to all your expectation or your own wishes and desires,

And you do not succeed,

Be self-gentle.

It's a process.

So maybe this holiday will be a little bit better and the next one will be a little bit better.

It's a process.

And then I'm calling it now not anymore a work-in-progress process,

It's a process in progress.

And I will tell you,

Becoming self-gentle,

To shift that self-gentleness perspective,

It's a beautiful process and it will take the rest of your life,

But you will get better and better at it.

And it's so worth your while,

Because when you start to feel that shift,

Your life really starts to change.

Cherry says baby steps are key,

And that is exactly right.

All right,

So let's meditate.

So wherever you are,

You can lie down,

You can sit,

Make yourself as comfortable as possible.

You can lean against the chair if it feels good.

You can curl your legs up under you,

You can put your feet on the ground,

Whatever feels good to you.

All right.

And just let your hands rest in your lap,

Really relaxed.

You can maybe open the palms to the sky,

It feels a little bit more open,

But only if it feels good.

Now gently close your eyes.

And just take a moment to realize,

To feel how you're sitting,

To feel your bum in the seat,

Your back against the back of the chair.

Feel your shoulders relaxed,

And if they're not,

You just pull them up and you drop them again.

Bring your attention to your feet for a moment,

Just to feel your feet on the ground.

Feel the connection with the ground.

You can maybe even push a little bit your feet against the ground to really feel that support.

Now let's listen to the sounds around you.

You hear my voice?

Can you hear the sounds outside?

Can you hear the subtle sounds around you?

The really subtle sounds like your clothes shift on your skin,

Your own breath.

All right.

Now I would like you to bring your attention to the middle of your head,

As if in the middle of your head there is a little light.

And the light is very gentle,

Feather-like almost.

And now you're going to follow this very gentle light while it drops down from the middle of your head into your mouth,

Your throat.

It slowly,

Slowly descends.

And you just follow it.

You don't have to push it.

It can go slow.

It can go quick.

Just let it slowly,

Slowly descend until it is in the middle of your chest,

What we also call your heart space.

Now let it be there for a moment.

And now slowly you see it go up again,

Up behind your collarbone,

Into your throat,

Behind your nose.

And again,

It's there just behind your eyes.

Very gentle light.

You can color it in your favorite color if you like.

All right.

Now we're going to let it descend again very slowly behind your nose.

And let it slowly,

Gently sink into your chest.

Let your attention hover on that place very gently.

It's not a hard focus.

It's just observing that beautiful,

Lovely colored,

Gentle,

Feather-like light.

And if you like,

You can put your hands on your chest.

And I would like you to ask yourself now this.

Hello,

Darling.

How are you doing?

Ask yourself,

Tell yourself some sweet name.

Hello,

Darling.

Hello,

Sweetie.

How are you doing?

And then just let the answer come.

It might be quick in a word.

It might be a feeling.

It might be a song.

Whatever the answer is,

Just listen.

How are you doing?

It's very powerful to connect with yourself and to feel what it actually is,

How you are doing right now.

Now comes the second question.

That is,

What would you like to do right now?

Ask yourself,

What would you like to do right now?

What is it that you need right now?

And again,

Let the answer come in its own way,

In its own language.

Whatever that is,

If you don't understand it,

Then just trust that later you will understand.

What is it that you need right now?

All right.

Now,

Be aware of how it feels to make that connection with yourself,

To acknowledge what you need,

Even if you cannot fulfill this need right now.

It's okay.

Awareness is enough right now.

What do you not want these holidays?

What do you not want these holidays?

And again,

Let the answer come,

And it might be that you have feelings right now,

Or emotions,

Because you're realizing what you do not want.

You realize that this is not what you want.

So,

If that is the case,

Then just imagine that in front of you there is this beautiful bonfire.

You're standing in front of it,

It's nice,

It's warm,

You hear the wood in the fire,

And it's smelling,

It's smelling like a wood fire,

Which is a really great smell.

Now,

Imagine that all this that you do not want,

That you can just pick it out of yourself,

And you throw it in the fire,

One by one.

And if you cannot imagine that you can grasp it,

Then just imagine that you're plucking these images,

Or these words,

Or these feelings out of your chest,

And you just put them in the fire.

And every time you throw something in the fire,

Oh,

It's like a beautiful spark,

It's almost like beautiful colored fireworks without the bangs,

Just the beautiful lights,

It's lighting up the sky so beautiful.

And you realize how relieving it is to just throw everything that you do not want into this bonfire,

And that it transforms into something that is so beautiful,

So gorgeous.

Oh,

And it feels like such a relief to just have this literally off your chest.

Can you feel the relief?

Can you feel?

And if you do not yet,

Then just keep on throwing it.

And it's also okay if you cannot get rid of everything,

You know,

You've stored all this within you already for a long time,

It's okay.

Can you feel now the space in your chest?

And even if the space is tiny,

Just one inch or one centimeter,

That's okay,

There is some space.

Now,

Let's get back to the middle of your chest where the light is beautiful,

Colored,

Featherlight light is still glowing.

And now ask yourself,

What is it that I do want this holiday?

What is it that I do want this holiday?

Now,

Imagine that in the place of the bonfire is now like a big screen,

Like a movie screen or a really,

Really big television.

And now you project those wishes on the screen.

And if you are not someone who is fantasizing with images,

Then use your imagination to become aware of what you would love for this holiday.

But you can even imagine that you're sitting in a comfortable chair,

Watching the screen,

Seeing how you would love it.

Who is there?

Who is not there?

Maybe it's just you,

Maybe it's your best friends,

Maybe it's your full family who is filling the house.

Is there a table?

Is there food on the table?

Who cooked it?

Who created it?

Are you sitting at a table or maybe you're laying on a sofa?

Maybe you're sitting in a sauna with everyone.

Whatever is coming up for you,

Everything is okay.

Just see it like the movie,

Your own personal movie.

And when you're watching this,

When you're imagining this,

Feel how it feels in your body.

Does it feel good in your chest?

Does it feel like a relief to see this?

And if you feel any resistance or any yes buts coming up,

Then just tell yourself,

I'm just fantasizing,

It's okay.

I just allow myself to fantasize about the most ideal holiday and it's okay to just fantasize.

It's just pleasant to fantasize.

Take a moment to really take this in.

While you're aware of all this,

I just want you to pick one thing.

Of all these ideal things and holidays,

I want you to pick one thing from which you feel,

Yeah,

This element,

This wish,

This desire,

This I will take with me.

This I will take to this holiday.

And I know the rest is there and I know that over the course of the next month or weeks or years or lifetime,

That is where I'm going to.

But this little element I will take with me.

And you just pick it from the screen and you put it in this place that you just created by throwing all the don't ones in the bonfire.

And now here you feel it.

This one little wish,

This one thing that you know,

This is what you're going to do.

You might not know how,

You might not know when,

You just know this is what I'm going to honor.

This part of my desire I'm going to honor and I will be open for the rest to come.

So put your hands on that place and just see the image or the feeling or the sound that is filling now that place.

And it's even expanding a little bit,

Growing bigger,

Being fed by this beautiful light in the middle of your chest.

It lives there now.

It can live here now.

It's yours and it's okay.

This is self-gentleness,

Allowing yourself to know what you want and to set the intention that at least this little thing will be yours this holiday.

Now,

In a minute we're going to get out of the meditation and I want you to just be aware that this lives with you.

You don't have to think or to worry of how this will come about.

Just trust.

You carry it with you and you will bring it with you to the holiday that you are going to shape.

Trust,

Because this is you and you bring it with you with all the self-gentleness you carry within you.

All right.

You can relax your hands back in your lap.

Feel for a moment your buttocks on the seat,

Your feet on the ground.

You can stretch your spine,

Wiggle your fingers,

Move your toes,

Feel the ground.

And then,

In your own time,

You're going to slowly open your eyes.

But just take your time.

Take your time.

Now,

I'll be waiting here for you to see if there are any questions or comments before we go on to close off.

Thank you,

Gary,

So much for saying that.

Thank you for being here.

You're most welcome,

Christine.

I'm happy that it was calming you.

And just know that this feeling within you,

It will carry you.

It will be with you.

It will happen.

You will bring it with you.

Don't overthink it.

Don't make it too big.

Don't build it into a new expectation.

Just know it's with you and it will happen.

Thank you so much,

Inge.

I would love to share with you my course,

Start Being Self-Gentle Today.

If you're interested to learn more about self-gentleness,

Then this is the place to start.

It's a starting course.

And if you speak Dutch,

Then there's also a Dutch version,

Which is actually a little bit longer even than the English course.

And it's called Zucht zijn voor jezelf.

That's Dutch for be gentle with yourself.

You can find it in my profile here on Insight Timer.

If you're not following me,

I would love for you to follow.

If you want to know more about my work,

You can always visit my profile on Insight Timer and find out more.

Jerry says,

The bonfire was lovely.

Yeah,

I love that too.

You know,

What is the beautiful thing?

And here I'm just a little confession.

I always know the topic that I'm going to speak about,

And I know about the structure,

What I'm going to tell you.

And then I have a sense of the meditation.

But in general,

I'm just guided to guide the meditation.

And I'm always surprised at what is coming there,

But it always falls in place.

So this is a really intuitive thing.

And I like to believe that I'm tuning in to all of you guys and feeling what it is that you need right now.

And I'm always happy to read it.

You're loving it.

So thank you so much.

Thank you,

Inge,

For recommending my course.

I'm so happy to read that.

Thank you,

Caitlin.

Thank you,

Mona.

I'm happy that it was calming and helpful to making realistic plans.

Yeah,

I love that.

Yes.

And be self-gentle in this process.

Don't have the expectations of yourself too high.

That's a paradox about when becoming self-gentle.

We want to do everything right.

And then in the end,

We're not always self-gentle about becoming self-gentle.

I know everything about it.

But yeah,

That's why I'm here to help you,

Right?

Derek,

I always feel sleepy during meditations.

Yeah,

So that's good.

That's gentle.

You know,

If you're still sleepy,

Take a nap if you can,

Or go back to early tonight if you can.

Carrie says,

You're channeling your higher self.

Yes,

Carrie,

I believe so.

Thank you for mentioning that.

Yeah.

Carrie says,

I love listening to you during your meditation.

Thank you so much.

Thank you,

Pamela.

Kim says,

Wonderful,

Calming.

Tune in,

Get real fireside meditation.

I'll remember it tonight.

Thank you.

Get well wishes soon.

Thank you so much.

Thank you all for being here.

It was lovely that you joined me.

I hope you will be here also on the 12th of December for my last Self-Gentleness Live of 2025.

And it's about how to be happy.

Thank you,

Carrie,

For your donation.

Yes,

Of course.

If you like to donate,

I will be most happy to receive your donation to support my work here on Insight Timer.

Thank you so much,

Carrie.

I really appreciate it.

Carrie says,

The takeaway for me today is honor thyself and then we can calmly work through find the best solutions.

Absolutely.

Yes.

Thank you,

Connie,

For your donation.

Thank you so much.

All right,

Lovely folks,

Seeing you in December,

Hopefully.

And tune in,

Be gentle with yourself in anything you do.

Remember,

It's a lifelong process in progress.

And that's also the beauty about it.

And if you're living in America,

Then I wish you really lovely Thanksgiving soon.

And everyone else,

I will see you in December,

So I can wish you for the other holidays still a lovely time.

Thank you so much.

Bye bye.

Have a lovely weekend and see you next time.

Bye bye.