Recovery.
When did that start?
Probably I thought about it a lot.
Then one day I took some long arduous steps and walked through a doorway and saw a guy just standing there,
Kind of like a regular guy,
Like somebody I would hang out with.
He was up there talking,
Telling his story.
He was talking about how he stayed away from something for a year.
It was his anniversary,
They called it.
As he stood up there simply telling how his year was,
He talked about what he had done.
I couldn't believe he was actually talking in public about this and what it was like.
I thought that I was never that bad.
Oh,
Maybe I did do that,
But I didn't do that.
I'm not that bad.
Oh yeah,
I did do that.
Well,
It was enough to get my curiosity to keep coming and become more involved.
I was still thinking the whole time,
This isn't going to work for me.
I don't know who these people are.
They're a little crazy.
I'm different.
They don't know what I've been through.
People said,
Just relax.
All you have to do is do this for today.
Nobody judged me.
They just said,
Keep coming back.
They gave me phone numbers.
I don't even know why they'd give me phone numbers,
But they reached out to me with unconditional love,
Which I realize that's what it was later.
I felt judged.
Maybe I wasn't,
But my mind was so defensive that everyone and everyone was looking at me,
Not in a good way either.
This is what I thought,
Her again,
Or she looks funny and she's not one of us anyway.
Whatever it was,
I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin.
I didn't think it was possible for me to feel comfortable in my own skin.
Then this guy walked up to me one day and he gave me this list called the promises.
It said I could have a life that was incredible and I could have a life that wouldn't be ruled by these deprecating thoughts.
I took that list to my apartment and put it on my refrigerator and just looked at it every day because it gave me hope.
It gave me hope that maybe someday,
Someday this would happen.
Maybe I could be free someday.
One of the first things I did was go meditate.
Sure,
I had gone and meditated even at an ashram.
I sat there and meditated for an hour long silent meditations,
But I was so uncomfortable.
So I just began really simple breathing meditations.
Breathing in and letting go,
Trying to find a comfortable seat.
What does that mean?
Maybe just sit on my sit bones in a chair,
Try to relax,
But I'm so fidgety.
Maybe I should sit on my hands.
Just breathing in and let go slowly.
Let it go and kind of see all that negativity and chatter just drifting by.
Try to relax.
How do I do that?
Just let my breath,
Letting go,
Let it go.
One,
Two,
Breathing in,
Holding the breath.
One,
Two,
Three,
And let it go.
One,
Two,
Three,
Four.
And again,
Holding one,
Two,
Three,
Letting go.
One,
Two,
Three,
Four.
Going deeper,
Just breathing in and breathing out all that uncomfortability.
All the shoulds and hows.
Just letting it go.
Letting the breath just flow in and out.
Feeling present,
Gradually.
Breathe in one's breath and feel self connecting to something deep or something other than your worry,
The chatter,
Something that's inside.
Perhaps a connection to something greater than myself.
Higher consciousness.
Some people call it divine consciousness.
Some people call it HP or higher power.
Some people call it God,
Their understanding,
The great outdoors.
Allowing the breath,
Just come and feel that presence,
That energy within you as you let go of the tension in your body.
Any thoughts going deeper,
Feeling this connection,
Presence of this moment.
Let go of everything that's keeping you from being here right now.
Fight the breath in and let yourself let go.
Breathing in the beautiful breath coming in,
Expanding your lungs,
Belly soft,
Allowing your higher power to be with you.
Let go of worry.
Breathing in love,
Letting go of fear.
Breathing in beauty,
Breathe out anger,
Allowing the beauty of the breath.
Breathing in love,
Letting go of fear.
Breathing in acceptance,
Letting go of hate.
Breathing in peace,
Letting go of judgment.
Breathing in love,
Letting go of fear.
False evidence appearing real.
Breathing in and out at your own pace.
Being grateful.
Receiving love,
Forgiveness,
Turning it over to the universe.
Breathing in love,
Breathing out fear.
Allowing this simple meditation to start your day or perhaps just take a pause and listen to it in the middle of it.
Whatever time seems consequential,
You don't have to have that chatter as your ally.
Allow the possibility of something greater than yourself to exist that it's watching out for you.
Just asking dear God or higher consciousness or the God of your understanding,
The great outdoors,
Whatever works for you.
Just take it and know it's a day at a time anyway.
Wishing you continued love on your journey and stay.
After all,
It really is a day at a time,
A breath at a time.
Namaste.
Thank you for meditating with me.
