Changing The Dynamics Of A Relationship

Welcome to Life,

Lessons,

And Laughter with your host Glenn Ambrose.

Hello everyone.

Welcome to the podcast.

Today we are talking about changing the dynamics in relationships.

Yes.

Yes.

We are.

How exciting.

I remembered the whole title.

That's good.

Or topic.

Right.

What was the other title that you said,

That I said would have been a good title earlier?

Re-something.

Resetting relationships.

Resetting relationships,

Yes.

So today we are going to talk about resetting or changing the dynamic thereof.

So relationships can take any form,

But we are going to talk about when you are in a relationship that the dynamics are not the way you want them.

So you want to shift them,

Like things like setting healthy boundaries and things like that.

So which area,

I kind of got the feeling that you had something specific in mind,

Like a direction.

Well,

I'm just interested in the topic in general because it's something that we've talked briefly about a lot while covering other subjects.

Like the second episode,

I think,

Or the first or second episode we ever did,

We talked about briefly in passing talking about having to set new boundaries and people treat you how you teach them to treat you and stuff.

So I don't know,

I thought that it would be a good idea to explore that a little bit more and see if it's possible to change the way you,

To reteach someone how to treat you.

Yeah,

And definitely is.

We're constantly growing and I think the two ways you can go about this,

It kind of depends on who you're changing the relationship with.

Like if you're changing your relationship with somebody that you're in a romantic partnership with and they're on board,

If you can sit down with them and say,

Hey,

Listen,

We know that a relationship takes work.

We're constantly going to be looking at it and adjusting it and things like that.

And these are some of the things and you can bring it up like that if somebody's open to it,

Which is wonderful if they are,

Because then you can have that calm conversation in advance to kind of set the groundwork.

That's something I do with my son often and I see that work well with him because it kind of gives him a heads up.

If I'm trying to adjust some of his behavior,

Then if I'm just nagging at him all the time,

Because when you set a boundary,

You need to reinforce that boundary.

So if I sit there and every time he does a specific thing that I'm trying to get him to stop doing and I correct him and I correct him and I correct him,

Then it just comes across as nagging.

But if I talk to him ahead of time and say,

Okay,

Listen,

Here's the deal.

This behavior has been going on.

I've noticed that what I'm trying to do is shift this behavior because it's no longer acceptable.

So I'm going to be correcting you on that for the next week or two probably,

Because that's generally how long it takes at least him to break out of a pattern.

I mean,

Years ago,

It used to take like two weeks and then now it's sometimes it's a week,

Sometimes it's only a few days.

So that is a relationship that you have the power in.

You have the control.

I guess that's arguable.

Yes,

Especially if you ask him.

Right.

You have a certain level of control in your father-son dynamic.

Whereas a romantic relationship,

Ideally you would want it to be 50-50 power,

But I don't think that that's usually the case.

There's some truth to that.

But honestly,

The more I look at my relationship with my son as a 50-50 partnership,

The better it gets.

So yeah,

Are there times that I need to stand up in this relationship and say,

Listen,

I'm the father.

We're going to have to do it this way.

I'm sorry that you disagree.

Yeah,

There's times that I need to do that.

But that's pretty rare.

More often than not,

It is a 50-50 partnership.

And it's really not when I'm adjusting a behavior that he's doing,

Generally it's a dynamic within our relationship.

And if it's a dynamic within our relationship,

Then it's not about him and his behavior.

Even though I've used those words,

It's really about me and what I deem acceptable in my own world,

Which really brings us right into the heart of changing the dynamic of a relationship.

If it's about changing the other person,

Then you're looking at it wrong.

It's not about changing the other person.

It's really about what you need.

So if I'm talking with my son,

Generally it's like,

Listen,

I need to be treated this way.

And this is what I need to feel loved,

Respected.

So this is what I need.

And that's the energy in which I go about doing it.

It's not that you're bad,

You're not doing what I think you should do,

So we're going to correct you because he's just going to rebel against that.

So I don't make it about him doing things wrong.

I make it about me and what I need to be happy.

We're in relationship together.

We live together.

We're in a house together.

We need to be able to get along.

We need to love and respect each other.

And what I need is this.

This is what makes me happy.

So this is what I need.

And then so I explain that to him.

And when you cross that line,

I'm going to point it out and say,

Excuse me,

You're crossing that line.

Please don't do that.

Please don't treat me like that.

So that's a big piece of it.

Really making it about self-love instead of frustration.

Because if it's about him,

I'm frustrated with the way he's acting.

And that's out of frustration.

If it's about me and self-love and this is how I need to be treated in my home,

Then it's a lot.

You don't take it personally unless you make it personal.

When you point the finger at somebody else and say,

It's your fault,

You're doing something wrong,

Then of course they're going to take it personally.

But if you make it about you and you say,

No,

This is just what I need to feel respected and loved,

It's kind of hard for them to argue that.

What about a relationship where you definitely do not have even a 50-50 partnership in the relationship power-wise,

Like an employee employer,

Like if you're talking to your boss.

Well,

Yeah.

In a situation like that,

It really depends on a topic because realistically you do have a 50-50 relationship with your boss.

The 50-50 relationship says basically when you take a job,

They say,

Will you come in and do this work to the best of your ability?

And you say,

Yes,

I will.

And then they say,

Okay,

Cool,

We're going to give you this amount of money for that.

So that's a 50-50 agreement that you both come to.

So technically you do have a 50-50 relationship with your boss.

So now within that relationship,

You agreed to do the job to the best of your ability that they determine.

I have a major problem with authority.

Well,

It's a lot better now,

But I still have it.

But when I was working,

That was something that I needed to really put attention to and really get clarity on.

And it was because it was times when my boss was telling me to do something that I didn't agree with.

And my natural reaction is to rebel against that.

And I had to look at it and go,

Wait a minute.

No,

It doesn't matter if I think I'm smarter than that person.

It doesn't matter if I think I know better than that person.

It doesn't matter if I'm right even.

What matters is somehow my boss took the steps in life to get to a position that they are above me.

And that is the reality of the situation right now.

So I can give my opinion.

But at the end of the day,

If he says jump and that's my job,

Then I need to do what he says.

So that's one thing,

A lot of times people don't have a realistic view of the relationship with their boss.

And they just want to rebel against things they don't like.

It's like,

Well,

If you don't like the way things are done,

Then start your own business or get another job somewhere else.

So there is a certain level of things that you need to accept because your boss said so because that's his place.

But that doesn't mean that you can't open up and have an open dialogue with them.

But they have the right to look at you and go,

Yeah,

I'm not interested in hearing that.

And if you don't like having a relationship with a boss like that,

Then you need to start looking for another job or another income source or something.

But that's the reality of the situation.

But so that's one aspect of the job situation.

The other aspect is we give way too much power to our bosses.

Very regularly,

I hear people just going,

Well,

I can't do anything about that.

And my boss yells at me.

That's completely unacceptable.

Of course you can do something about it.

Don't take it.

Don't yell at me.

You can do that.

And I mean,

Most often,

When you're just setting up a healthy boundary with a boss,

Most often they will actually hear it if you do it in the right way.

If you just like,

I'm sorry,

I don't get yelled at.

I can't have you yelling at me.

That's not OK.

You know,

Make it about you.

Again,

Always make it about you.

No,

I can't have you yelling at me.

And if they continue to yell,

You stand up and walk out of the office.

I mean,

I've done stuff like that.

And people are so scared and so intimidated and so ruled by fear that they're like,

Oh my God,

They're going to fire me.

People don't stand up.

And then they wonder why bosses yell at them.

Well,

It's because you allow it.

That's why.

You know,

The boss doesn't yell at everybody.

Well,

I mean,

Some of them do.

And all this stuff,

You have to understand that there's no one principle for everything.

I can't talk about every single boss and how to handle every single one in the same way.

All I can do is say,

This is how you can create a happy life for yourself.

And if you go to set up a healthy boundary with your boss,

There are going to be,

You know,

I would say let's just throw some random numbers out there.

Let's say there's 25% of bosses that are just dream boats.

They're just wonderful.

And there's 50% that are in the middle.

And then there's 25% that are just horrible.

Well,

Those 50% in the middle,

You can design your relationship with them.

You know,

The 25% that are just horrible,

You can stand up to them and they might fire you.

But that's fine.

Or you can just keep the cards in your own hand and instead of standing up to them,

Just go,

Okay,

I need to start looking for another job and start looking for another job.

The problem is,

Is when people are sitting at the same job for three years,

Five years,

10 years,

20 years,

30 years,

And they're just like,

Oh,

There's nothing I can do.

Are you kidding me?

Like you can't find a job,

You can't find another job doing something similar in a three year period.

If you actually applied yourself,

You know,

Instead of going home and sitting there staring at the TV and calling your friends and complaining about how much your job your boss is a jerk,

Then maybe you should job search.

Maybe you should go to night school,

You know,

And try to,

You know,

Get a different career,

Advance something,

You know,

Do something.

But if you just sit there and let people treat you a certain way,

Then you're going to stay stuck.

So it's,

You know,

The dynamic with the boss is a tricky one,

But there's always something you can do.

Right.

Um,

I guess friendship,

Friendships would be the next frontier of this conversation.

Friendships are,

Friendships can be tricky just because with friendships,

There's,

I think with friendships,

There's a huge expectation level that we have.

I don't think people slow down to look at friendships that often.

They're just kind of so easy and casual a lot of times and long lasting and there's a lot of forgiveness and friendships.

You know,

You just kind of be like,

Ah,

That's them and you let them get away with stuff and which is fine.

I mean,

There's nothing wrong with doing that in a friendship.

Um,

But I think there's,

There's,

Um,

Expectations sometimes of what a friendship entails.

Like if a friendship has gone on for 10 or 20 years,

People think that it's supposed to go on forever and that's not always the case.

Or if you've known somebody for your whole life,

That means that they're supposed to be able to support you going through a difficult time.

And that's not necessarily true.

Well,

They've been my best friend for 20 years,

But yeah,

But do they have any depth to them?

Are they,

Are they capable?

You know,

Like maybe they're a blast to go out and have a drink with,

But have you ever sat there and really cried on their shoulder and had them be there for you?

Maybe they're not that type of person.

Maybe they're incapable of that,

You know?

So you kind of have to look at the person you're with and what,

You know,

What we do here is growth.

It's about working on ourselves and becoming happier people.

And when you're working on yourself and becoming happier,

Sometimes friendships fall away and sometimes they strengthen.

I think that the core of everything of the other type of relationships that you've talked about,

You know,

Father,

Son,

Romantic employer,

Employee,

They all have this pressure point where you're going to have to have a conversation at some point,

Or you're going to have to deal with it at some point.

And I think that friendships probably more often than not,

Instead of change,

Instead of taking the effort to change the dynamic of a friendship or to have the conversations that you've spoken about the previous three times in this,

You just let it fade away.

It's a lot easier to just walk away from a friend than the other ones because,

You know,

People get busy and people,

You know.

Yeah,

It is.

It is easier to not have the conversation because,

Yeah,

Some distance can just naturally grow between you and you just don't address it and you're not with them on a daily basis.

Or if you are,

Then suddenly you find yourself not,

You know.

So yeah,

It is easier to drift away.

And that is,

It's funny,

A lot of times when I deal with friendships with people,

It's the opposite.

They don't want it to end.

They don't want it to drift away.

Or if they do think that the friendship is over,

They think that there's something wrong with that.

They're like,

You know,

Well,

This can't,

You know,

I've been friends with them for 10 years,

15 years,

You know.

So they think that there's something wrong with a friendship ending or they'll almost mourn it.

You know,

They'll experience grief at the end of a friendship.

And that's what I see,

That is an aspect of becoming a happier person.

Because if you're growing and somebody else isn't,

Then the dynamic of the friendship is going to change.

You know,

It doesn't mean that it needs to end necessarily.

Sometimes it will.

Sometimes it will end.

And when it does,

You know,

It's like,

You know,

It gets to a point where somebody's like,

You know what,

I don't want the drama and the negativity in my life.

And every time I get with this person,

That's all I get.

And I go,

Okay,

Well,

Then you can't change other people.

So do you want,

You know,

Why are you trying so hard to hold on to this friendship?

Oh,

Well,

Because I've been friends with them my whole life.

Yeah,

But is it serving you?

If it's not serving you,

Allow it to go.

You know,

Sometimes it's not healthy for us to stay in a relationship.

But you can try to shift the dynamic if you want to.

Yeah,

We talked about that a few episodes ago,

Didn't we?

Letting go of what no longer serves you?

Probably.

So that's a.

.

.

Yeah,

And that's the right way to put it.

So what I've noticed,

Though,

Like I said a second ago,

Was that what this usually boils down to is having an honest conversation with the person that you have the relationship with that you're trying to change the dynamic of or set new boundaries or.

.

.

Or to realize that things should be 50-50 in relationships because,

You know,

Even if it's a boss employer or.

.

.

Yeah,

You do need to.

Even like there shouldn't be a power struggle.

Right.

If you get.

.

.

You're right.

There shouldn't be a power struggle because if you're looking at things realistically,

Then if there's a situation that your boss has all the control,

It's because they're your boss.

Right.

And that's the way things are supposed to be in that specific dynamic.

So you need to accept that and not struggle against it.

So there's actually nothing wrong in that situation.

They're your boss because that's the dynamic of the company at that particular time.

It doesn't mean it can't change,

But that's the dynamic,

That's the structure of the environment.

So you need to function within that dynamic.

If you think that.

.

.

If you walk around thinking that you should be able to be telling your boss how to do things,

You're wrong.

That's not the dynamic of the relationship.

So you will suffer because you're just going to be walking.

.

.

And that doesn't mean that you.

.

.

That includes the situation where the employee is technically more capable than the boss.

That dynamic does happen where there's an employee that's more capable of making good decisions and handling things than the boss is.

But as long as you're their employee,

That's not how it goes.

So resisting the fact that that's not how it is,

Is not going to get you anywhere.

So looking at those things realistically,

Now when the boss crosses the line and starts pushing you around beyond the 50-50 point in other areas,

Like putting you down,

Yelling at you,

Those are probably the most extreme examples.

That type of stuff does not have to be tolerated.

There's things that you can do about it.

I want to make sure we touched on the actual dynamics of it,

Like what it looks like.

And we've touched on it vaguely.

It's having that difficult conversation,

Even though there's fear there,

Because there's going to be fear there.

And not listening to your head when your head goes,

Well,

Yeah,

But when I say this,

Then they're going to say that,

And then I'm going to say this,

And then they're going to say that,

And then it's going to turn out really bad,

So I'm not going to have the conversation.

That's just a trick to keep ourselves stuck.

So you have to man up,

Stand up,

Or woman up,

And have that difficult conversation.

And always make it about you.

This is what I need.

This is what I need in my relationship.

This is what I need to be happy.

This is what I need at my job.

It's not acceptable for me to get yelled at.

And it's not acceptable for me to be treated this way.

I need this.

This is who I am.

This is what I am.

This is what I need.

Making it all about you,

And then really standing your ground when the person bucks up against it because more than 50% of the time,

Who you're setting boundaries with is going to push against it because it wasn't their idea to change.

It's your idea.

So it's your life.

It's your idea.

You have to back it up.

And that other person either,

Even if they're on board,

It's not in the forefront of their mind like it is yours.

So you need to reinforce that and teach people how to treat you.

Now,

Remember,

This is how it needs to go.

So really reinforce that boundary that you set up or the way of being treated.

You just need to reinforce that.

And people have their own perception of you.

They have their own perception of you and where you fit into their life and your role,

And most of it's subconscious.

So for you to go in and go,

Hey,

I'm changing my role within your play,

It throws people off.

They don't quite know what to do with that.

It's just a little bit confusing.

So you just need to give them a little bit of time and really try not to fall into that energy of frustration and upset and victimhood like they're doing something against you.

They're not looking at life from your perspective.

So you just need to reinforce it a few times until they get used to the new way of treating you.

Just because they buck up against it doesn't mean that they don't have any respect for you.

It's just that they're not used to treating you in that way right off the bat.

It takes a little while.

Now,

I know that it's very important to have the conversation and to be open and honest with the person that you're trying to change the relationship with.

However,

One book that I've recently downloaded and was listening to on Audible was The 48 Laws of Power.

That book suggests that you can just use manipulation to change the dynamic of any sort of relationship and to gain an upper hand on people.

What do you think about that?

Well,

It's manipulation.

And gain the upper hand.

I'm trying to find where the 48 Laws of Power are on my phone.

I can't find it right now.

Just the words right there,

Manipulation and gain the upper hand.

So basically what it sounds like is you're taking a dynamic that you don't like because somebody has the upper hand over you and what you're trying to do is flip-flop that and become the other person.

So you're viewing the other person as negative and manipulative.

So to counteract that,

What you're going to do is become them.

So you're going to become what you dislike.

That's what I think about that.

Like for example,

Law number one deals with employee-employer.

It's never outshine the master.

Play small to make other people feel better about themselves.

That's horrible.

So make yourself less than so somebody else can feel good.

I don't live my life concerned on what other people are feeling,

But I know that if I'm living my life in a way that makes me less than,

I do not feel happy.

I do not feel fulfilled and I am not growing.

I'm literally shrinking.

I'm making myself smaller and less than my true self and that's 100% the opposite of what I try to do.

We're going to someday,

We're going to have a podcast episode where Dave reads what the laws of power are and we hear your thoughts on them because it's fascinating.

I think you would agree with some of them that aren't so deceitful.

Quite possibly.

So hey,

Like I said the other day,

I ran into someone wearing a Great Love Project t-shirt.

How's the Great Love Project going?

Good.

Good.

It's expanding.

I did a video last week too.

That was great by the way.

I haven't seen you in a couple of weeks,

So I haven't had a chance to tell you.

That video was awesome.

That was what you needed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was cool.

I was able to put it up on the Ellen website,

Which is cool.

It's just about getting exposure.

I was in New York last weekend and I told a bunch of people about it.

The reception,

Everybody that hears about it is just loving it,

Loving the idea of it.

So it's great.

It's just a matter of us putting it in the forefront of our mind.

When people start to do that,

As we start to do that,

It's going to expand more because people.

.

.

This is the problem is we don't have enough love in this world.

So people go,

If I go,

Hey,

Would you like to expand the love in your world?

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

That sounds great.

Let me tell you about the project.

Oh wow.

That project is wonderful.

This is great.

And then they go about their life and they forget about it.

And that's the exact thing that I'm trying to tap into and overcome.

So to bring love into the forefront of people's minds more.

So it's going to take a little time,

But as people start seeing it more regularly and hearing about it more often and stuff,

It'll start to be in the forefront of their mind more,

Which is what the project's all about.

And if you want to know more about The Great Love Project,

Check it out at thegreatloveproject.

Com.

Glenn,

Where can I find you?

You can find me at life-enhancement-services.

Com.

And there's a link to this awesome podcast there called Life Lessons in Laughter with Glenn Ambrose.

You should really try to listen to that sometime too.

That's good.

Sell them to what they're already listening to.

You're a pro.

You're a pro.

How clever was that?

All right.

See you in two weeks.

Yep.

Take care.

Bye bye and good luck.