Narcissistic Coach Chimes In On Her Experiences

Hello,

Everyone.

Thank you so much for joining me here today for this conversation.

I am your host,

Kadine One,

Meditation teacher,

Holistic wellness practitioner,

Inspirational speaker,

And I'm so happy,

So glad,

So honored to be interviewing today Joy Larkin,

Narcissist abuse coach.

She has a lot of things to share in regards to how to deal with narcissism and the people in your life who might be narcissistic as heck.

So I'm so excited to hear from her today in regards to her experience.

And thank you,

Joy,

So much for coming on today.

Thank you,

Kadine,

For having me.

It's definitely a pleasure.

Awesome.

Grace,

Can you just introduce yourself for the folks and tell us more about me,

War,

And your work?

Yeah.

So my name is Joy Larkin.

As you said,

I am 32 years old.

I am a native of Delaware and I am a narcissist abuse coach.

I spent some time in Los Angeles for about 11 years where I graduated from high school,

Went to college,

And then I kind of made my back way around with still working and traveling and doing all that stuff.

And now I'm currently in Illinois,

But yeah,

I am a narcissist abuse coach.

I help victims and survivors overcome,

Move on,

And heal after dealing with a narcissistic relationship.

Wow.

That's amazing.

So how did you get into this work,

Like dealing specifically with narcissists?

Yeah,

That's a good question.

Well,

As I mentioned,

So I lived in California,

Well,

Specifically Los Angeles for 11 years.

During that period of time,

I lived with my aunt for five years and while living with her,

I did get connected with a guy.

It turns out that he was a narcissist.

Also it turns out that my aunt was a narcissist while living with her for that period of time.

So having those experiences and also actually before I got started with helping other people and doing the narcissist abuse coaching,

I met a borderline,

Which is basically a person.

They have an antisocial type of personality and they have a lot of unstable moods,

Unstable behaviors,

And unstable relationships.

So I was dealing with that,

But after I cut off that relationship,

That kind of sparked me to make videos on YouTube,

Basically sharing my experience after just feeling kind of hurt,

Sad and lost and down and out,

Not really knowing where to go,

Who to turn to.

And I just started sharing my message and apparently it was helping people.

And so that was what inspired me to share my message and help others.

That's amazing.

You know,

It's interesting you talk about this because,

You know,

I mean,

I'm in New York,

Born and raised in New York city.

And then I actually moved out to California.

I first was in San Diego and I was in LA.

And when I first moved out to California,

Like I was also living with narcissist.

Okay.

This is intense.

Like how,

Oh my God.

How do people like go through this?

Like how do they like go through this experience living with this person?

And I guess for me,

It's like,

How does one even like come to this point or this moment where they're connected with someone that's just narcissist and like make that connection with that person?

Because I mean,

It's draining,

It's toxic.

It's just a lot.

Yeah,

Definitely.

But I would assume that narcissist,

I mean,

I think from my experience,

Narcissist essentially first come off as very charming,

Maybe very sweet.

Then over time,

It's like,

Oh,

You little nasty.

Yeah.

Super like manipulative,

Addictive,

Super sarcastic.

They don't have your best interest at heart.

And they're really out for their personal gain,

Even if it means hurting you in the process of doing that or getting what it is that they're trying to get,

You know,

Super selfish.

Wow.

So,

Okay.

So with that,

I mean,

You kind of said it a bit already,

But based off of your definition and I guess definition of what others think,

Maybe what research says,

What is a narcissist?

Yeah.

So basically it's a person they have,

You know,

As sessive interest in their own self,

Like an overly obsessive interests.

And you know,

They have admiration for themselves where,

Yeah,

A lot of people we want to admire ourself,

But it's with narcissists,

It's over the top.

You know what I mean?

Directly exaggerated in they pretty much think that the world revolves around them,

Which it doesn't,

You know,

And they also had this sense of like self-importance it's like super inflated.

Hmm.

Hmm.

That's great.

So I guess basically everything you said,

Cause I know that sometimes like our,

You know,

Media societies,

Like,

Oh,

This person's a narcissist,

Right.

And I guess there's like a pop culture definition of narcissist and sort of,

But that is an,

You know,

I guess the sort of more science researchy based definition of that.

So how do you determine if someone is like an actual narcissist and not just like the media representation of what a narcissist is?

So basically like you can determine that a person is a narcissist based off of how they treat you,

How you feel around them.

And this is not just once like every now and then type of behavior and treatment,

But this is like every day constant,

Whether it's abusing you,

Neglecting you,

Manipulating you,

Treating you like you're less than,

Not having empathy,

Not being able to love,

Not being able to take accountability for their actions.

And you know,

Just looking down on others,

Feeling like people are inferior,

You know,

Compared to them.

So and again,

With,

With everything that I just said,

That's something that they do on a daily basis.

It's not just every now and then,

And they may apologize and say,

Hey,

I'm sorry,

I made a mistake.

I'll never do that again.

And it's genuine.

But a narcissist know like,

There's no apology.

They meant what they said.

And if they can,

They'll do it again and even more,

You know,

And I think that you deserve it.

If you,

If they're abusing you,

You're staying there and not doing anything about it.

They're going to keep doing it.

Right.

Right.

It's interesting.

I'm hearing a lot of things and I,

Yes,

To everything.

I wonder narcissism,

Is there,

Is there an aspect also of gaslighting in there too,

Would you say?

Yes,

Yes,

Absolutely.

So I'm gaslighting is something that a narcissist will do to make you question your judgment,

To make you question your own reality essentially,

And to make you think like you're crazy.

Like,

You know,

I know that the male narcissist that I dealt with,

He would make me question something that I knew that was true.

And he made me second guess.

So for instance,

He actually connected me with this.

She was a music producer.

He was an entrepreneurial music producer.

He made beats and he taught other people how to make beats.

And some way,

Somehow he had this way of being able to talk to people and network with people,

Whatever.

So he connected me with this girl and she was cool.

We did collaborations or whatever.

And I remember one time I was at his house and we were just talking and then I was like,

Hey,

He remembers so-and-so he was like,

I don't know who that is.

Who's that?

I'm like,

What do you mean?

Like,

You're the one that introduced me to her,

You know?

And I don't know.

I think he did a lot of that just to make me question like my sense of like understanding of reality.

And then there was another time we,

You know,

About In-N-Out Burger.

One time we were at In-N-Out Burger and he was telling me like,

Oh,

Like,

I'm so proud of you,

Julie.

Like you're making progress as far as like,

He was literally teaching me how to make beats.

And I was like super excited because that's something that music has always been a passion of mine.

I was super excited.

Right.

And then he's like,

Yeah,

You're doing a good job.

You're doing awesome.

And then I was like,

Yeah,

My dad always told me that I was number one.

He was like,

I never said that.

And I'm like,

Yes,

You did.

But I didn't say that out loud.

But in my mind,

I'm thinking like,

Yeah,

Like you did,

You know?

So that is an example of gaslighting.

So,

But I think why they do that is because in the end,

The narcissist knows that you're going to figure them out sooner or later.

But because they gaslight you,

They will,

In your mind,

You'd be like,

You know that you're getting abused,

But then you're thinking like,

Okay,

Well maybe I'm not,

Or maybe it's not so bad.

So it's like,

You're questioning the abuse.

So you're questioning,

Should you leave or not?

You know what I mean?

So that that's where the gaslighting can become very dangerous when it comes to dealing with narcissists.

Right.

Right.

So how long were you with this individual?

Yeah.

So I was seeing him off and on for about four years and I was living with my aunt.

She was actually a narcissist as well.

I was living with her for about five years.

Okay.

So I guess in both these situations,

Right,

Being with this particular person and also living with one,

What are some things you did or ways you like got through it?

Like while you were living in that situation,

What did you do to help yourself get through it?

Yeah,

That's a good question.

Honestly,

I stay to myself a lot.

I stayed to myself,

I noticed I started to kind of distance myself.

I also tried not to share a lot of personal information,

Especially with my aunt because she was always like so nosy and trying to like control everything about my life.

And I also started to like study to reprogram my mind for success and to motivate myself because I was feeling like really down in the dumps,

You know,

And I felt depressed a lot.

And I started to hang out with my friends.

Thank God I had genuine friends,

You know,

And I started to be around them a little bit more so I can kind of distance myself away from my aunt.

And what else did I do?

Oh,

I also started to take on other gigs and other opportunities to help me to move out of,

You know,

Away from my aunt because of her control because of the abuse and how much it was affecting me.

I wasn't being productive in my life.

I wasn't unhappy.

So those are some of the things that I did.

Now when it comes to the male narcissist,

The unfortunate part is that I was still in contact with him even when I did move out of my aunt's house.

But after I decided to go no contact,

I immediately did,

I went into counseling.

I did a lot of yoga,

Did a lot of meditation.

I did a lot of grieving,

You know,

I had to work on my feelings,

Feel everything that I was feeling,

Which is hard for a lot of us sometimes because we don't want to acknowledge it.

Sometimes we may not want to sit still and be like,

How am I really feeling?

What is this all about?

You know,

Some other things that helped me after I went no contact with the male narcissist is I just started to connect with my creator.

I just started talking to God.

I was crying,

Of course.

I was just,

I was angry,

But in the end,

I think God did kind of help me relax and I realized why I had to go through this,

You know,

And meditation and reading books and learning about CPTSD,

Childhood traumas,

Learning about my mind.

I had to reprogram my mind,

Building up my self-esteem.

So those are some sorts of things that I started to do,

You know,

After moving out of my aunt's and,

You know,

Going no contact with the male narcissist in my life.

Right,

Right.

That's great.

I mean,

It sounds like you did a mixture of things,

You know,

To take care of yourself,

Whether it's,

You know,

Tapping into your social group,

Right?

Your friends or kind of find some sort of distance between you and the individual.

Right.

And then also you also mentioned yoga and meditation and counseling,

All good things.

Okay,

Great.

So now,

Okay.

So you were able to get out of those situations.

Yes.

Which is great.

Now,

What if there's someone like who can't break away?

So say if there's a narcissist,

That's like a boss or a coworker,

How do you suggest people go about doing or dealing with them?

Yeah,

That's a good question.

Cause I actually had a boss that was a narcissist.

Yeah,

I did.

Unfortunately,

It was horrible,

But luckily I didn't stay there for too long.

But one of the things that I could recommend again,

You do want to distance yourself with this person as well.

Be respectful,

Be polite.

Try not to be so emotional about it.

Definitely you want to understand that this person cannot change.

They don't care how they make,

How they make you feel.

They only care about themselves and how they look to others,

Not about treating you with respect or not about having empathy and love and care for you or respect.

So you want to kind of come to that conclusion.

But the other thing is,

You know,

Again,

Keeping your information private and personal,

Don't share personal information with these people.

And don't tell them like,

Oh,

I'm searching for another job or I'm,

You know,

Don't share your complaints with them because they're only going to use it against you at a later time.

So you have to understand what you have been experiencing.

It's real,

It's valid.

You know,

You're not crazy.

And then eventually you want to make a plan to leave,

You know,

Make a plan to leave.

And whether you have to take up another job,

Take up another gig,

Save up,

However you need to do it,

Maybe even look into creating your own business if that's an option,

You know?

Because I realized like,

Even my own experience,

A lot of these jobs,

They really don't care about their employees.

Not all,

Not all.

I hate to say that,

But from what's been my experience,

It's me,

I have seen that they don't really care.

They only care about what you can do for them and how it's going to make them look.

And it's rare to have a good,

Decent,

I guess,

Quote unquote career where it's like,

You know,

It's in the corporate America,

You know,

Type of deal.

But yeah,

Just keep your focus.

Don't react because a lot of the bosses and coworkers,

They want to see you react and just understand like,

Okay,

I'm just doing this for now,

But eventually I know I'm going to be somewhere else.

But you constantly want to be taking those little action steps,

Whether it's applying for another gig or starting a business or writing down a business plan or thinking of another way to bring in more income.

Right,

Right.

That's great.

Wow.

That's amazing.

All right.

Thank you.

You're giving us some good stuff.

This is great.

Okay.

So we're coming to the close.

I mean,

You gave out amazing information.

So we're coming to the close.

So what is,

I guess one piece of advice you would give people in regards to living an overall meaningful life,

Whether it was with narcissists or just taking care of yourself,

What's one meaningful thing you can offer to people?

Yeah,

That's a beautiful question.

So if you want to,

If let's say like you can't leave the narcissist,

As I said,

Just try to calm your mind and your emotions and focus on how you want to be in the future,

Not like the present moment that what's going on now,

Focus on how you want to live in each and every single day.

Make sure you can do some sort of action step to get you to where it is that you want to be,

Which is essentially independent of this narcissist.

But in terms of living a meaningful life,

I would say do what it is that you love.

Do things that you're passionate about,

Do things that inspire you or that make you feel fulfilled.

Because I realized when I used to work,

Like,

I guess,

Quote unquote,

A nine to five,

Like I was miserable,

Not in good spirits,

Negative,

Always complaining and down in the doms.

And now it's like,

You know,

What I do now,

I love it.

I love talking to people about narcissists and,

You know,

Mentoring people and coaching people and supporting people.

I just I feel a lot happier and I'm just grateful,

You know,

To be able to do that.

And I think,

Yeah,

If you can find your life purpose,

Something that you enjoy,

That to me is living a meaningful life,

You know,

And being able to spend time with the people that you love and care about and having the freedom to do,

You know,

As you please.

And the other thing is I would say is always keep God number one.

Always,

Always,

Always keep him first.

Talk to him.

He wants us to connect with him and tell us not just the good things,

But he also wants to hear about the bad things like,

You know,

He wants that from us.

And yeah,

Just trust and have faith.

Believe in yourself.

Believe in your ability to create your own reality.

You know,

Like the whole law of attraction,

Law of assumption.

That's real,

You know,

And just always be open to learning.

Like,

For me,

I've learned so much,

But it's like it's still more for me to learn.

You know what I mean?

So never be close.

I always be open for new experiences and learning new knowledge.

Right,

Right.

That's awesome.

Those are great.

Those are great jewels.

Great gems.

Thank you so much information about the information.

If people wanted to contact you to learn more or to work with you,

What would they do?

How would they get in touch with you?

Yeah,

So basically they can contact me via Facebook,

Instagram,

YouTube.

All would be at Live NARC free.

And I do have a website where there's support sessions.

There's programs,

There's video and audio courses,

There's readings.

All of that is available on my website,

Which is Live NARC free.

Com.

And also you can,

If you want to reach out to me,

You can send me an email also at Live NARC free 9 at gma.

Com.

That's awesome.

Wow.

Enjoy.

Thank you so much for today.

For your expertise.

I'm so glad we're able to,

You know,

Connect after all these months.

Audience,

Thank you.

There's look at the,

There's the shirts.

Yes.

So this is amazing audience.

Like if you are going through a really rough time dealing with a narcissist,

Like you got some jewels,

You got some gems from Joy today.

If you need some more support,

Definitely reach out to her.

But Joy,

Thank you so much for coming on.

It was a pleasure having you.

Thank you.

The pleasure is all mine.

This was great.

Oh my gosh.

What'd you say?

I said,

Can we go out and get a drink somewhere or something?

I'm in New York with something.

This is great.

Thank you so much.

Yes.

Thank you.

Okay.

Take care.

Take care.

Bye.