How To Tell If You Need To Set Boundaries In Your Life

Hi there,

Thank you so much for being with me today.

My name is Krista and I'm going to be your host on today's insight timer.

And I'm first going to start off with ways and ways to recognize when your boundaries are being crossed.

And the reason why I want to share this with you,

It is crucial,

Crucial for maintaining mental and emotional well being.

That so many times we go through life,

And our boundaries are completely being crossed,

Whether it's in our profession,

Whether it's in our personal life,

And this can be emotional boundaries,

Spiritual boundaries,

Physical boundaries,

Materialistic boundaries.

And I want to just share with you a few ways within yourself,

Because we all know that awareness is key for making any changes in your life.

If you're not aware of it,

How are you supposed to make changes.

And the way we become aware is tuning into different feelings that we have different emotions that we emit different ways that we react and feel.

So one way might be feeling a discontentment,

Sorry,

Discomfort and resentment.

That was the two of them together.

Feelings of discomfort and resentment.

This was a big one for me,

I would resent people for asking me to do something.

And in the same breath,

I am the one that needs to take ownership of my own yes and no.

Right.

But when someone's actions or words make you feel uneasy,

Or anxious,

Or maybe resentful,

It's often a sign that they're encroaching on your personal boundaries.

Pay attention to when those indicators come up for you.

Maybe you're in a group of people and something is being said to you or about somebody else or and you're just feeling this,

Like this is not where I need to be.

Your personal boundaries are being invaded that that encroachments happening and then you start to get mad at them.

Boundaries are about you and what you need to set in your own life.

Maybe you feel guilt and obligation.

Another big one for me,

If you grew up in a home,

Or in a society when you were younger where guilt was used,

This will be very common.

When we go to set boundaries,

We may feel guilty for doing it.

If you find yourself agreeing frequently with things out of guilt or a sense of obligation rather than your own wellness,

And how you are going to feel your boundaries are probably going to be compromised.

When we have healthy boundaries in our life,

We have no problem saying no,

Thank you.

We have no problems feeling not guilty for taking care of ourselves.

We may have a little twinge of it.

Of course,

We're still human.

We may be like,

Oh,

But the overpowering need to take care of ourselves wins more than the other person.

Maybe you're feeling overwhelmed or burnout.

And that's another big one consists consistently feeling overwhelmed,

Exhausted,

Stressed because of somebody else's demands and expectation suggests that your boundaries are not being respected or perhaps you haven't actually localized them.

So overwhelming burnout is also another way that recently in my own life,

This showed up on social media for me.

I was overwhelmed.

I was showing up so much and I didn't have clear boundaries around my social media.

So it can show up in so many different places.

And then what begins to happen is we get mad at the other people,

Right?

Like I mentioned at the beginning of this,

It's like we can have people keep asking us,

Hey,

Can you watch my kid on Saturday?

Can you help me help me move next week?

Do you mind if I just stop by?

Hey,

Can you get that by Friday?

Hey,

I need those papers done by Monday.

Instead of our own,

I need to learn how to say no,

I've got to set up boundaries here.

How about you feel a lack of respect?

Nobody respects me.

I just heard this comment come out of one of my clients the other day.

No one respects me.

If you're feeling that you're being dismissed,

Or your preferences aren't being heard,

Or your voice isn't being acknowledged,

It's a clear sign that you are not holding firm to some boundaries in your life.

Or maybe you're around certain kind of people,

But that's just not conducive for you.

It's not helping you.

Changes in your own self-perception,

This is the big one,

You guys.

When your self-esteem or your self-worth diminishes,

Gets low due to the interactions of certain individuals that you're with,

It may be because they're overstepping your own boundaries.

Feeling undervalued or taken for granted often correlates with boundary violations.

What I mean by that is,

Maybe people keep asking you to do things,

Goes along with the one that we just talked about,

And you keep saying yes,

And you're like,

I feel so taken advantage of.

I'm just worthless.

What am I even good for?

Why do I even keep doing this?

Do you see how this whole cycle keeps going?

If this resonates with you guys,

This is a good thing.

This is where awareness comes in,

So don't think,

So me,

That's so me.

I am talking to you about this because you need to become aware of it in order to change anything.

Recognizing any of these signs can really help you,

In the long run,

Take steps to reinforce your boundaries.

I'm going to do another insight timer to help you have points on how to do this.

People don't know.

They can't just assume that you have boundaries.

You have to let people know or show,

As I like to teach,

You show people how you want to be treated.

We teach people how to treat us.

I want to give you some ways that boundaries might be lacking in your life.

See if any of these resonate with you.

This is a list that I have written down for a lot of my clients that I work with because sometimes we don't know why we're feeling resentful.

Sometimes we don't know why we have such low self-esteem.

Sometimes we don't know why nobody's respecting us or listening to my voice when I say no to something.

We're not enforcing it,

First of all.

You may say,

No,

You can't come over Thursday night,

And they end up showing up at your door anyways,

And you let them in.

Boom,

Right there.

The lack of your actions and your words are not in alignment.

Some of these examples,

Do you struggle for your own preference?

For example,

If somebody says,

What do you want to eat tonight?

How do you answer that?

I don't care whatever it is that you want.

Or do you say,

I'd love tacos.

Decisiveness is a beautiful side effect,

Should we say,

Benefit of setting boundaries within your life,

Because you start to get really clear on what it is that you want and you desire in your life,

All the way down to what do you want for supper.

I have a podcast out called the Love of Purple Podcast,

And it started four and a half years ago.

I called it the Love of Purple Podcast,

Because for years,

I didn't know what my favorite color was.

I did,

But I was one of those that agreed with everybody around me.

If your color was green,

Guess what?

So was mine.

If your color was black,

And I was in a different situation,

Someone goes,

Oh,

My favorite color is black.

I'm like,

Yeah,

Same,

Right?

Those are ways that you haven't found your voice to speak up and say,

No,

Or I don't like that,

Or please don't do that,

Or please don't borrow my bow and arrow until I say it's okay or whatever,

Right?

Here's some other things.

You ignore your uncomfortable feelings and try and fix or change other people's uncomfortable feelings.

There's a big one.

Instead of really just saying,

I'm uncomfortable with this conversation,

You will try and fix or change somebody else.

You feel very guilty when you try to say no.

You say yes,

Because it's just easier into people and certain situations.

And I'm not saying there's going to be times like that.

Of course there is.

Of course there is.

But for the most part,

You're going to say no and mean it and not feel the overwhelming guilt.

You let misunderstandings possibly pass you by,

Hoping for the best,

Hoping that this might happen with your partner,

Right?

You have arguments over and over and over,

And finally you just go,

That's it.

I'm just going to sweep it.

I'm just going to let it go and hope that it never comes up again.

It will,

Because you're not speaking up.

You are not saying what you truly mean for numerous reasons.

You tell people a lot of times what they want to hear,

Rather than speaking up and saying what you actually mean for the fear of death.

What are you scared of by speaking up?

You possibly might take the blame for other people's problems.

That's me.

You know what?

I asked too much of them.

You know what?

That's me.

I shouldn't have done that.

Sorry about that.

Sorry.

You put up with a job because you're scared of losing security,

When really it's sucking the life out of you.

We don't speak up.

When I speak about boundaries,

When I talk about boundaries in our own life and the necessary and why they're needed is because when we don't speak up,

When we don't say something,

Whether it's you're scared to say yes or no because you're afraid of conflict,

Which is people-pleasing,

There's this part that starts to wear on us,

A little chip at our soul,

At our self-worth,

At our self-confidence,

Our disbelief in ourself.

Every time we stay quiet and we don't actually say what we mean,

We say,

Sure,

Yeah,

You know what?

Go ahead.

Come on over.

Really inside,

We're like,

Why did we do that?

If this is resonating with you,

Just become aware that this is something you need to deal with.

This is something you want to deal with because it will start to wear on you mentally and emotionally.

The whole point of this insight timer is I want you to become aware of those spaces within your life that need to be addressed.

The first thing I want you to do is write those things down.

Write them down.

This is an area at work.

This is an area with my friends.

This is an area in my house.

This is with my mom.

I can't say this.

I'm scared to say this.

I don't have any boundaries around this.

Maybe it's your material stuff.

Someone keeps using something of yours and you're like,

Why do they keep doing that?

That is a boundary being crossed.

Maybe it's walking into someone's room without knocking.

That is a boundary that's being crossed.

You will feel when a boundary is being crossed by the things that I talked about at the beginning of this,

You'll feel it in your body of this anxiousness or this frustration or this bitterness or this resentment of people that maybe you loved doing stuff for before,

But it's gotten out of hand and you're changing,

You're like,

I don't want to do that anymore.

I don't like living like this anymore.

Before I end this,

I want you to become aware of everything and every area of your life that you possibly know that you need to set up some boundaries,

That you need to possibly speak up or actually follow through with it.

All right,

I hope some of these were helpful for you.

I hope you're able to look at your own life and be able to go,

Yes,

That is me.

I definitely do need to set up some boundaries,

But I don't know how perfect that is coming up for you.

Until then,

Have a fantastic day and I will chat with you guys on the next insight timer.