When A Narcissistic Mother Knows You Know Who They Are

Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough,

The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true,

Authentic self.

I'm Lisa A.

Romano,

Your host.

As an award-winning author and certified life coach,

I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind.

I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to our false self.

My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate awakening.

In this podcast,

I'll share insights,

Tools,

And transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery.

Namaste,

Everybody.

So today,

We're going to talk about three things that happen when the covert narcissistic mother loses control over her scapegoat daughter.

So today,

We're going to delve deeply into this topic because I think it's important for us to understand what might happen once a covert narcissistic mother,

Or even an overt narcissistic mother,

Begins to understand that we're not playing the game anymore.

So I wanted to explore three distinct reactions so that you can recognize them and navigate them with strength and compassion on your healing journey.

The other thing that I want to say before we get going with this session is that the word narcissist is thrown around a lot these days,

A lot more than it was when I first started my healing journey and I was creating information about narcissism,

Codependency,

Narcissistic abuse,

And that was over 20 years ago.

But since then,

There's been an explosion of the word,

And I think for good as well as not so good reasons.

Number one,

We are more aware in today's society about terms like gaslighting and triangulation,

Projection.

We're aware of narcissistic traits in people with a high conflict personality.

That's important to know.

For example,

When I was growing up,

I didn't have these words.

I just thought that I was in the not so great relationship.

I didn't understand that I was being manipulated,

That I was codependent.

I didn't understand the dynamics of how I was people pleasing,

How I was giving up myself to make someone who had very high narcissistic traits very happy and how that was exploited.

I didn't have that terminology.

Today we do.

When you're thinking about whether or not this person is narcissistic,

You're looking for a pervasive pattern.

This doesn't mean that mom or dad or your partner had a bad day.

This is ongoing.

This is someone who regularly exploits your emotions,

Has no care in the world for how you feel,

Is empathy impaired,

And who oftentimes appears to have more empathy and sympathy for others,

Especially when there are witnesses,

Than they do you.

Narcissists tend to treat other people better than they treat their family,

Their spouses,

And their children.

This is a way that they exploit narcissistic supply from the family members that they assume will never leave them,

Or they assume that they have complete control and power over.

They get another source of narcissistic supply by getting away with it in social situations.

If your mother is highly narcissistic,

You will have been exploited emotionally your entire life.

Perhaps you were the scapegoat daughter where mom enjoyed pushing you away and withholding validation.

She seemed to enjoy taunting you,

So there was this level of enjoyment that your mother received out of punishing you unfairly,

Out of picking on you unfairly.

This is a really confusing thing for a scapegoat daughter because mom does not behave this way in front of other people,

But you as the scapegoat daughter have to really sit back and ask yourself,

Has this been ongoing?

Is this a pervasive pattern?

Does my mom treat people differently than she treats me?

Really important for you to flush that out.

If you are your mother's golden child,

I've got bad news for you,

Sweetheart.

You are a source of narcissistic supply as well.

You have been emotionally manipulated.

You have an emotional dependency upon your mother,

And you know that your scapegoat sister or your scapegoat brother sees you as the golden child.

Your mother has triangulated you from your siblings as a source of narcissistic supply.

If you are the golden child,

Your mother may put you on a pedestal.

She might brag about you in front of the other siblings while putting down the scapegoat child or the scapegoat daughter.

Very common.

But if you are the golden child,

It is also possible to play dual roles.

So you are the golden child when it suits your mother's needs and she wants to create some source of narcissistic supply over the scapegoat child,

Making the scapegoat child feel worse than and more unloving than you as the golden child.

But don't be surprised when those tables flip and you as the golden child are now being put down behind closed doors.

You are being criticized.

You are being withheld love.

All of a sudden the praise disappears,

And that is because your mother is enhancing and reinforcing the emotional dependency you have on her.

So she's playing all sides.

Really important that those of us with narcissistic mothers really begin to see these dynamics objectively.

When we're talking about personality disorders,

There are certain criteria that mothers have to meet.

So it's really important.

So as you're investigating these topics,

By all means,

Use them for educational purposes.

But for your own benefit,

Dear one,

Make sure that you're clear about what it is that's happening in your life.

Make sure that you are holding whatever's going on in your life up to a true litmus test that you know what you're talking about,

You understand what you're talking about.

This way you know that you can be fair in your analysis.

And when and if you decide to go no contact or minimal contact with a narcissistic mother,

You feel really confident in your decision to do so.

And that's why I really wanted to create this session,

Because if you are the adult daughter of a narcissistic mother,

Particularly a covert narcissistic mother,

You need to be aware of what happens when they start to know that you know that they are a covert narcissist.

Or you need to know about what might happen when and if you decide to go no contact with a mom who you believe has been emotionally using you as a source of narcissistic supply,

Albeit you didn't know it,

Because this abuse happens at such a deep spiritual,

Mental,

And emotional level.

It messes with your sense of reality.

Like I said earlier,

It creates a psychological and emotional dependency.

There are trauma bonds happening.

When it suits mom,

She love bombs you.

When it suits mom,

She pushes you away,

Reinforcing the trauma bond,

Making you really feel isolated.

Everybody hates you.

She's the only one that you can rely on,

But she's also the one who is punishing you the most.

If this is your situation,

It takes tremendous courage to awaken from that.

And I want to support you on that journey.

And that's why I want to make you aware of three things that might happen when and if your covert narcissistic mother begins to know that you know who she really is.

We're talking about someone who has felt like they have had mental,

Emotional,

Spiritual,

Financial,

Physical control over another human being.

And now they're recognizing that they don't have that control.

And so understanding these dynamics is crucial for anyone on a healing journey from narcissistic abuse,

Especially you as a daughter.

So let's explore three common reactions and how to recognize and navigate them with strength and self-love and compassion for the self,

Because you're going to need it.

Number one,

Narcissistic moms double down on emotional manipulation and dependency.

When a covert narcissistic mother begins to sense that her daughter,

The scapegoat daughter,

Is breaking free from her control,

She often intensifies her tactics of emotional manipulation and dependency.

This doubling down can manifest in several and subtle and overt ways.

She might start bombarding you with guilt-inducing statements,

Reminding you of all she has sacrificed for you,

Or accuse you of being ungrateful and selfish for seeking your independence.

You may notice an increase in passive aggressive comments and behaviors,

Such as the silent treatment or backhanded compliments.

These are designed to undermine your confidence and pull you back into the familiar cycle of seeking and needing her approval.

Additionally,

She may attempt to infiltrate your personal life more aggressively,

Inserting herself into your relationships,

Your career decisions,

And personal choices under the guise of being concerned or helpful.

The goal here is to reestablish the dependency that kept you under her control.

So what you need to recognize is this.

It's essential to understand that these escalated manipulative behaviors are not reflections of your actions or worth,

But are desperate attempts by your mother to regain control.

Recognize these tactics for what they are,

Dear one,

And reaffirm your boundaries.

She might not agree with them,

But hold onto them.

Maintain a strong support system of friends or mentors or therapists who validate your experience and support your journey towards personal autonomy.

Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that seeking independence and self-love is not only healthy,

But it's necessary for your entire wellbeing.

Number two,

Feigning illness or seeking sympathy to lure you back is another common reaction for narcissistic mothers who suddenly become aware that you know who they are.

You might notice that your mother suddenly becomes ill or she begins to exaggerate existing health issues to garner sympathy and attention.

This tactic,

Often referred to as playing the victim,

Is designed to evoke guilt and concern drawing you back into a caretaking role and under her influence.

You might receive frantic phone calls or messaging detailing sudden health scares or emotional crises with the implications that you're the only one who can help or understand her.

She may also involve other family members or friends portraying you as neglectful or uncaring if you don't immediately respond to her needs.

This is how it might play out in your day.

This manipulative strategy leverages your empathy and sense of duty,

Making it challenging for you to maintain the boundaries you've tried to set.

You might find yourself questioning your decisions and feeling compelled to resume old patterns of caretaking even at the expense of your own mental and emotional health.

This is what I'd like you to recognize.

It's important to discern genuine health concerns from manipulative tactics.

Whenever possible,

Verify the information and assess the situation objectively.

Remember that taking care of yourself doesn't make you selfish or uncaring,

Even if mom's struggling.

You can offer support in ways that don't compromise your boundaries of wellbeing,

Such as suggesting professional help or involving other family members or supportive people who understand what you're going through.

Also trust your intuition and don't be afraid to prioritize your health and happiness,

Even in the face of a manipulative guilt trip.

Number three,

Mom might become unhinged and redirect abuse towards other sources.

When mom's previous manipulative tactics fail,

A covert narcissistic mother may become increasingly unhinged,

Displaying more overt and volatile behaviors.

This loss of control can lead to emotional outbursts,

Erratic actions,

And directing abuse towards other members of your family or individuals who have traditionally served as a source of narcissistic supply in one way or another.

You might witness sudden mood swings,

Irrational accusations.

She might attempt to create chaos or conflict within the family or your social circles.

She might start smear campaigns against you,

Spreading false information to damage your reputation and isolate you from others.

Alternatively,

She may focus her manipulative abusive behaviors on other siblings,

Other relatives,

Or friends seeking their validation and the control she has lost over you.

And this is how it might play out.

These behaviors can create a turbulent and stressful environment for you,

But not just for you,

But for everyone involved.

The intensified toxicity can lead to further emotional harm and strain on relationships as others become entangled in her manipulative web.

So here's what I want you to recognize.

Acknowledge that these escalated behaviors are a reflection of her inability to cope with losing control and not a result of your actions.

Dear one,

Maintain your boundaries firmly and avoid being drawn into unnecessary conflicts she creates or dramas with other people.

It's crucial to protect your mental and emotional space by limiting your exposure and interactions as needed.

Encourage other affected people in your family to seek support and understand the dynamics at play aren't their fault either.

Prioritize what you can control,

Which is your healing journey,

By continuing to focus on self-care and possibly consider seeking guidance from professionals or people that understand narcissistic abuse recovery.

When you're trying to break free from the control of a covert narcissistic mother,

I want you to know that it's a courageous and transformative step towards healing and self-discovery.

Try to remember that these manipulative reactions or attempts to pull you back into a cycle that isn't healthy and certainly has never served you.

So dear one,

Stay steadfast in your journey,

Surround yourself with supportive and understanding people and continue to cultivate self-love and emotional resilience.

You dear one deserve a life filled with authenticity,

Joy,

And healthy nurturing relationships.

So trust in your strength and know that by recognizing and navigating these challenges,

You dear one are reclaiming your power and paving the way for a brighter,

More empowered future.

Stay strong and keep shining your light.

Until next time,

Take care of yourselves and remember,

You are worthy,

You are loved,

And you are enough.

Namaste.

Until next time.