When We Don't Feel Good Enough: 3 Hidden Root Causes

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

Today we're going to be talking about three distinct root causes for why you don't feel good enough.

If you're anything like I am,

You grew up feeling not good enough,

And maybe you didn't even know that you didn't feel good enough.

That was certainly my case.

I had no idea that there was this deep belief inside of me that had me feeling,

Believing,

Thinking,

And even my subconscious mind obsessed with the impression that I was not good enough.

I know that sounds crazy,

But I really lived my life trying to be good enough,

Unaware that within the seat of my soul or the seat of my mind was this deeply ingrained belief that I,

As a person,

Had absolutely no value.

When I was 12 years old and this wonderful young girl wanted to ride bikes with me and she had a group of friends,

I was terrified.

Why do you want to hang out with me?

You don't know me.

You don't know the darkness in my soul.

You don't know what a bad little girl I am.

Once you find out,

Then you'll probably get rid of me.

This was the feeling that I had,

The terror that I had,

The distrust that I had,

That I was worthy of having a friend to just want to be with me just because she thought that I was nice or just maybe she was just a very empathetic soul and she could see how lonely I was.

I was terrified.

I could not imagine why anyone would want to be my friend.

Now this stemmed from invalidation at home.

This stemmed from a lack of emotional attention.

This stemmed from inconsistent affection,

Inconsistent attention.

So as a child being born to two unrecovered adult children of alcoholics,

In my opinion,

Both had narcissistic traits.

Doesn't make them narcissists per se or to suggest they have narcissistic personality disorder.

But if we were plucking out character traits of both of my parents,

I believe my mom had more codependent traits coming from a lack of self where my father was pretty much obsessed with the self.

But between them both,

They both had the same wounds from childhood being that both sets of parents were alcoholics and my father's mom actually took her own life.

So there's tremendous trauma between my mom and my dad.

So these two very wounded people became married.

Of course,

They attracted each other because nature is governed by patterns.

That's why when an apple falls to the ground,

It doesn't produce a banana tree.

Like attracts like.

Even though on the surface,

It could seem that a codependent is so different than someone who's highly narcissistic,

Energetically,

That's just not the truth.

They are so similar in their energy,

In their shame,

In their need for control.

Whereas a narcissist will control the codependent's attention and affection and work to coercively control them as well as overtly control them.

Control what?

Their level of fear,

Their level of attachment and dependency upon them.

A narcissist will manipulate the mind of a codependent so much so that the codependent can only think about pleasing the narcissist in some situations.

A codependent partner or mom,

Let's say in this situation just to make it easy,

Will become so obsessed with her narcissistic spouse or boyfriend that she will neglect her children.

Now,

Does this happen by default?

Yes.

Does this happen on purpose?

No.

Does a mom know she's doing it?

Most often,

No.

Is this a choice that the mother makes?

Some victims of emotional neglect will argue this point.

But from my opinion,

My humble opinion,

When we are talking about subconscious childhood programming,

When we are talking about pain versus pleasure,

When we are talking about neurological pathways,

When we are talking about habits which are neurological,

I question free will.

And so you could have a very conscious and intentional mother who thinks she's doing everything right by keeping daddy calm and have no awareness that in her focus and attention on the man in her life,

Her children are being neglected by her and also being programmed to be codependent.

So being their child,

Being raised in that dynamic,

Especially being the oldest child,

I felt invisible.

I felt unworthy.

I felt observed.

My mother made me feel more than my dad that I was a specimen on a Petri dish.

She was on me.

I almost felt like my mother was in my thoughts.

I was constantly ridiculed.

I was constantly judged,

Constantly criticized.

I don't remember any compliments from my mother outside the day of my communion where she said,

Oh,

You have nice legs.

I was seven.

And it made such an impression on me that I never forgot it.

And so when you grow up feeling invisible,

When your parents are in a toxic relationship,

When mom is codependent or dad is codependent,

Saying that my dad was the empathetic codependent and married this highly narcissistic woman and ignored his children and then catered to the children of the narcissistic stepmom,

That's a very common scenario when dad is codependent and he hasn't done his recovery work.

And so the feeling of growing up not good enough,

In my opinion,

Has three main root causes.

Why is it important that if you're here listening to this information and you are a seeker of truth and you consider someone who is on the healing path,

First of all,

I want to thank you for being out there because there are many people that are not on this path.

They're not putting the work in.

They're not curious.

It's sort of like,

Well,

This is the hand I got and this is just the way I am.

And while that's true,

That is your subconscious programming,

That is not who you really are.

In my humble opinion,

Until you have a true awakening,

You are operating from the false self.

You are operating from the realm of the subconscious.

And the subconscious mind is basically the result of your five senses receiving data and information from the environment and your brain's default settings and your mind's psychological default settings,

The need to attach and the need to feel seen,

The need to feel like you belong,

The need for consistent,

Warm,

Loving,

Nurturing so that you can develop oxytocin,

Which helps you trust others and trust yourself and trust your worthiness.

So your five senses are receiving this information from the outside.

And there are neurological consequences.

There are psychological consequences.

Personality traits are being molded as a result of these external experiences.

So thus,

Your false self is not your true self.

So I just want to thank you for being out there because you are someone who is chipping away at the false self and better aligning yourself with your true self.

So knowledge is power.

So as you start to gain knowledge,

Eventually you get to a point where you apply that knowledge.

Now the application of knowledge is what I refer to as wisdom.

So you're going to be on the path for a number of years,

Maybe even decades like I have been.

And during this period of time,

You're collecting data.

For instance,

Learning that you don't feel good enough,

Learning how not feeling good enough has molded you to become codependent,

Literally at the neurological level,

At the subconscious level,

None of which,

By the way,

Dear one,

Is your fault.

And so you collect this data on your healing journey and you start to have breakthroughs.

You start to have awarenesses.

And then you start to apply the knowledge to these challenges.

For instance,

How do you do that?

You meet a man who is love bombing you and where in the past you would feel butterflies and your mind would start thinking about how to keep this going.

Does he like me?

What kinds of food does he like to eat?

How can I impress him?

How can I be and mold myself into something that he wants me to be so that he doesn't leave me,

Which is codependency.

So now you're learning that oftentimes if you were raised by someone who was a narcissist,

You tend to attract narcissists.

Or perhaps you ended a relationship with a narcissist or a marriage and in your awareness and in your collection of knowledge,

You're realizing your pattern.

But you're starting to collect the data and the information and you understand what the signs are of a female narcissist,

What the signs are for a male narcissist,

And you're beginning to understand how your body naturally reacted to these experiences.

So now the next time you meet someone and you notice that they have a silver tongue or you notice that they're saying things about you,

But you know that it can be based on fluff.

It's not based on anything concrete.

Oh,

You're a great person.

Well,

This person doesn't really know you.

Or we have so much in common.

Well,

This person really doesn't know you.

There's been no time spent getting to know you.

And there are a lot of assumptions made.

So you feel like everything is moving really quickly.

And you are noticing how your body is responding to that.

So wisdom would be you putting the kibosh on that.

Wisdom would be you setting up an internal,

Psychological,

Emotional,

And mental boundary,

A vibrational boundary where you take control of your inner dialogue and you say,

I've been down this path before.

I'm not going to walk through that door this time.

This is not right.

This is not the way I want a relationship to unfold.

I cannot trust this.

I know that this has led me down a negative path before.

So that's wisdom.

Now if you act on this wisdom,

Then your life begins to take off in a different direction.

And eventually,

You can attract that which you truly desire.

But I don't think that we can manifest what we want until we awaken to what we have and we awaken to why we have what we have.

To me,

That's where the magic happens.

It's in the elevation of consciousness.

It's in the elevation of self-awareness.

It's in the ability to self-reflect and objectively look at our childhoods and then to string together this cause and effect nature and to get to a point where you can say,

Like I eventually got to a point where I realized none of this is my fault.

And so much shame was able to leave me once I realized that nature is governed by patterns.

The sins of the father and the mother fall on the children.

None of this was my fault.

I was modeled codependency.

I attracted a really interesting mix of both my mother and my father.

In psychology,

This is repetition compulsion.

I really wasn't a crazy person.

I was stuck below the veil of consciousness,

As all humans are.

And the Bible says,

When a man is born,

A great sleep falls upon him.

And so all of my behaviors,

All of my thinking was appropriate in contrast to what I grew up with and how I grew up.

So nothing was my fault.

It was my responsibility now with this awareness to change,

Especially since I realized that if my mother trained me and my grandmother trained her and so on and so on into the generational trauma,

Then I was doing the same for my children.

And that felt like a torpedo had found my heart.

That crushed me to think and to realize I was doing to them what had done to me.

And then I was given the vision and the foresight down the road,

20,

30 years down the road,

Thinking my children are going to be as miserable as their mother and as their grandmothers if I don't do something about it.

And so that was a moment of humility.

But then again,

Relying on scripture,

Only the meek and the humble shall inherit the kingdom of heaven.

I personally believe heaven can be found on earth once you clear the mind,

Once you find peace of mind,

Once you start thinking correctly,

Once your mindset is correct,

Once your thinking and feeling is in alignment with how life works and with your true self,

With love,

And with your intention for what you wish to desire.

And once you've lined that all up,

Then you can experience serendipity and your life can unfold beautifully.

So today,

Let's just dig deep into three main causes for why it is that you might feel not good enough.

Number one,

The need for external approval.

So many adult children of alcoholics and those who faced emotional neglect grow up seeking external approval.

Why?

Because they never received it.

It's sort of like if you get enough salt in your diet,

Then you're not going to crave pretzels.

If you have enough potassium in your diet,

You're not going to crave or need bananas.

It's the same with love.

If you got enough love and you got enough attention,

Then it's sort of like your love tank is full.

You don't feel the emptiness of it.

There's no psychological,

Mental,

Or emotional craving for love.

This need often stems from inconsistent or absent validation during childhood.

In households where parents were preoccupied with their own issues,

Such as a codependent or narcissistic dynamic or alcoholism or addiction or pain,

Medication,

Addiction,

Or depression,

Children learned that their worth was tied to their ability to meet others' needs and expectations.

So if you grew up feeling like your worth was tied to how well you could meet your mother's needs,

Or in my case,

Not only that,

But my worth and my unworthiness was tied to how well I could not annoy my mother.

And for me,

That meant how much can I shrink myself?

How much can I tone myself down?

How much can I not express myself?

How much can I not act silly in front of her?

How much can I not need her?

Because my need for her annoyed her.

So the consequences of growing up with this aching for approval because you didn't receive it is low self-esteem,

Because children internalize the idea that they must earn love and approval leading to chronic low self-esteem.

Perfectionism is another consequence.

We strive for perfection in an attempt to gain the approval that we never received.

It's like we are children perpetually chasing a carrot that never comes.

And we develop people-pleasing.

So to avoid rejection while seeking validation,

We become adept at pleasing others,

Often at the expense of our own needs and our desires.

Now remember,

It's important.

This is all subconscious.

So I ran almost three and a half decades operating with this system that was my subconscious false self,

That was full of a false narrative,

And I didn't even know it.

Now another cause is boundary issues.

So in families with alcohol abuse or emotional neglect,

Boundaries are often blurred or non-existent.

Children are either given too much responsibility,

Parentification,

This is when your parents expect you to take care of them.

So you have an adult,

She's 40,

50,

60 years old,

You're in your 20s,

Even younger.

You're expected to do the laundry.

You're expected to do the cooking.

You're expected to do the shopping.

You're expected to pay bills.

You're expected to call in your mom's boss because she's drunk again.

You're expected to make up for her lack.

You're expected to bathe her.

You're expected to make her doctor's appointments.

This is parentification.

Oftentimes in homes like this where there are boundary issues,

The older children are expected to mother and father the younger children.

They're supposed to take care of their homework.

They're supposed to walk them to and from school.

So there is so much when it comes to boundary issues that are violated in a home that's dysfunctional.

And so all of this leads to confusion about what is appropriate in terms of my needs.

Can I say no?

What is truly my responsibility versus someone else's responsibility?

That's why if you don't feel good enough,

You might be someone who has a real trouble with boundaries because you don't know where the line is.

So you grow up thinking that you are Superman or you're Batgirl.

You're supposed to wear the cape.

You're not tuned into how do I feel.

You're tuned into how does everybody else feel and what does everybody else need.

I am guilty of this.

I mean,

I'm still working on this issue where I have to anchor myself every day,

You know,

What do I want to get done today?

What is it that I need?

What is it that I would like to do today?

Because I see myself unconsciously as the person who puts out someone else's fire.

Now that also goes back.

If you relate to that,

Then you're not someone who wakes up and says,

Oh,

I'd like to go for a massage today or I'm going to schedule my manicure and my pedicure next week or I'd like to go to that book club meeting or a yoga class.

You don't naturally wake up and think about what you would like to do.

You wake up,

You go about your mundane tasks,

And then as people call you or as you find out that your grandchild needs this or your neighbor needs this or your husband has this issue or your wife has that issue,

Your brother-in-law needs this,

You jump into that role.

And by the end of the night,

You're exhausted.

So this is a boundary issue.

And we,

As those of us who grew up not feeling good enough,

It's really important that we take the time to ask ourselves,

What is it that I feel?

What is it that I need?

And really,

What is my role in this person's experience?

And is it realistic for me to jump in right now?

You might notice that the people that you love the most that come to you for advice,

They're not taking your advice.

And so when things get really bad,

They do ring you up.

And now you're seen as supposing you're supposed to save them.

And so I've noticed that trend in myself.

And so I'm very aware of how far I can help someone and what help I offer.

So this is a boundary issue within myself that I have to navigate very consciously.

It also stems from my mother being in my voice,

Basically saying or infusing me with the impression that I had no right to say no,

That being a good Catholic girl meant that you were selfless.

You should always take care of other people.

You should always think about other people.

Yes,

But not at the expense of yourself.

Not when you're sick.

Not when you only have $3 in the bank.

Not when your life is falling apart.

Taking care of the self is not selfishness.

When we take care of the self,

We have more to give.

But it's very important that we recognize the boundaries within relationships and don't overgive and don't attach to an outcome that because we help this person,

That's magically going to fix them or change them.

Going a little bit deeper into the consequences of boundary issues is a lack of self-protection.

Without healthy boundaries,

Those of us who struggle with this,

We don't protect ourselves from being overwhelmed or exploited by others.

There's also a responsibility for other people's emotions when we lack boundaries.

We may feel responsible for the emotions or the well-being of others,

Believing that we must fix or manage other people's emotions to maintain harmony.

It's really difficult for us to accept that we can't fix something and let the chips fall where they may.

We are so controlling in that way because what we're really trying to control is our anxiety over what's going to happen next.

By controlling a situation in our head,

We're avoiding the pain of a potential bad outcome.

That's the pain versus pleasure principle on overdrive.

We really have to gain objectivity about that and learn the life skills that we need to stay in our body as a negative thing unfolds so that we can not jump in and feel responsible for the consequences of someone else's life not working out.

The next consequence is we have a difficulty with saying no.

We fear rejection.

This conflict or cognitive dissonance in our head will cause us to overcommit and eventually this will lead to resentment.

Another root cause of not feeling good enough,

I've alluded to it earlier,

Is this idea that this feeling is subconscious.

Subconscious beliefs are formed early in life based on repeated experiences and messages that we receive from our caregivers.

These beliefs,

Often about one's worth and role in relationships,

Remain dormant yet powerful,

Shaping thoughts,

Behaviors,

And expectations.

What we really want to do is take it to the next level and understand that our personality traits are not purely biological.

They are environmental.

And so if codependency is a,

If you would say,

A personality persona,

Then that's not my fault.

I was shaped by my external experiences and the wonderful thing is that we can change that.

If we can become aware enough,

We can change it.

So the consequences of subconscious negative faulty childhood programming is self-sabotage.

So negative beliefs about your unworthiness can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors,

Such as staying in a toxic relationship or avoiding opportunities for growth.

We can develop distrust in relationships.

So growing up with inconsistent affection and care fosters a deep-seated distrust in one's worthiness and reliability of others,

Leading to unstable and unsatisfying adult relationships.

And then there's the perpetuation of the cycle.

So in terms of karma,

We're on this karmic wheel.

So generational trauma is repeating itself in our lives,

But we're unconscious and the subconscious mind is a million times stronger than the conscious mind.

And the only way to break that cycle is through awareness.

Without awareness and end intervention,

These subconscious patterns continue to influence our behavior,

Perpetuating the cycle of codependency and low self-worth.

It also keeps you attuned and prey for someone who's highly narcissistic.

So the benefits to awakening are immense.

It's everything.

So let's talk about what you can do to break the cycle.

So number one,

Self-awareness.

By identifying patterns,

You can recognize and understand the patterns of seeking external approval.

You can identify your boundary issues and negative subconscious beliefs.

Self-awareness can also lead to reflecting on your childhood.

So examine how your early experiences with caregivers shaped current beliefs and behaviors.

Number two,

Learn to set healthy boundaries.

Learn about what boundaries are.

Define your limits.

Clearly define personal boundaries,

Your need to protect yourself,

Not only yourself,

But your time,

Your energy,

And your emotional well-being.

So you have to do the type of self-introspective work where you're taking the time to ask yourself,

What is it that I need today?

What is it that I have to get done?

What is it that I would like to get done?

So now your subconscious mind has a bullseye.

And as things become interference in your life,

That's where you know,

Oh,

I can say,

No,

I don't have to walk my sister's dog,

Or no,

I really don't want to watch my neighbor's cat for the weekend,

And no,

I really don't have time to go to the dry cleaner for the lady down the block,

Because you've identified what your needs are.

So you really have to do that work.

It takes time.

So also practice assertiveness.

Learn to say no and communicate your needs and limits assertively.

Now,

When it comes to assertiveness,

It doesn't mean that we become narcissistic and we stop taking care of our family that we have a responsibility to take care of.

It just means that we are more vulnerable and more aware about what it is that we need,

And we become more willing to express our needs to other people.

There's so much meat on the bone here,

Because to say this sounds okay,

Put it on a postcard sounds great.

But for the person who has low self-worth,

Who has to say no to their granddaughter,

Who wants to borrow grandma's car,

And grandma is struggling to say no because of the fear of rejection or the subconscious programming around,

I have to say yes to everybody,

And it's my,

I have to make sure that everybody's okay,

I have to say yes,

I can't say no.

For that grandmother to say,

Sweetie,

I'm so sorry,

But I made plans with my neighbor and we're going to an event later on today,

And I'm really going to need that car.

The amount of emotions that show up in that grandmother are so immense that the amygdala gets activated,

The hippocampus gets activated with all these memories of when grandma said no when she was six or seven,

And how her mother reacted or how her boyfriend reacted,

That it is absolutely courageous for that grandmother to say no.

And so while I recognize that this is a very sterile conversation,

Sure,

We could put these on a postcard,

We could put it on a PDF,

But the person who actually walks through this,

In my opinion,

I want you to know that you are breaking patterns in the collective unconsciousness that is tied to people-pleasing,

That is tied to codependency.

You are breaking cycles in your own family,

Your own family line,

Your own generational line,

But you're also leaving behind this incredible,

Healthy,

New,

Expansive level of authenticity.

And so think about it that way.

It is courageous,

But when you walk through these doors,

When you manage your emotions,

When you develop emotional and mental resiliency,

When you develop self-awareness,

When you are living in a conscious state,

You are breaking patterns that have kept humanity stuck for eons.

And so here you are.

I want you to see yourself as a true cycle breaker and understand that you are a courageous person for walking through this door.

The third thing that we can do is start building self-worth.

There are things that you can do to elevate your consciousness so that you can become more and more cognizant of the moments in time when you're seeking someone's validation versus your own validation.

So by shifting your focus from seeking external validation and approval to self-validation,

This will allow you to celebrate your accomplishments and your strength and lessen your addiction or need for approval from other people.

The second thing is affirmations and positive self-talk.

Again,

To do this work effectively,

We first have to break through the veil of unconsciousness.

You have to understand that your mind is running the ship.

The conscious mind is 5% of the program.

The subconscious mind is 95% of the program.

So the mind isn't going to help you.

Awareness is going to help you.

So the ability to think about the way that you think,

Which is called metacognition,

That has to be developed.

Your ability to think about the way that you think,

It really has to get set in your mind like,

Wow,

I can think about the way that I think.

Yes,

That's metacognition.

And so that operates.

.

.

Your consciousness,

If you will,

Is operating from the prefrontal lobe and the neocortex at that point versus the amygdala,

Which is highly reactive.

You are on autopilot.

You are just reacting to the past,

You're reacting to emotions,

And you are not in control of yourself.

So developing metacognition allows you to use affirmations and positive self-talk more effectively.

So when you notice a negative thought,

It's your job to shift and replace the negative subconscious belief with a positive affirmation and compassionate self-talk like,

This is not your fault,

You don't need their approval,

Seek your own approval,

You're doing great,

This is amazing,

Look at you taking care of yourself.

That type of self-talk,

Becoming your own coach,

Becoming your own cheerleader,

Will help you replace the negative beliefs that are controlling your life.

Another thing that we can do is begin working on healing our current relationships if they're worth salvaging.

So engaging in therapy or support groups to work through your past trauma and develop healthier relationship patterns is huge.

So working on the relationships that you have that you believe are salvageable is moving you towards a healthier outcome.

And surrounding yourself with supportive,

Trustworthy people who respect your boundaries and validate your worth.

So by addressing these core issues and implementing actionable strategies,

Individuals like you and like myself can begin to break free from the cycle of codependency,

Fostering a healthier sense of self-worth and more fulfilling relationships.

It takes work,

Dear one.

I know myself that you can participate in videos,

You can watch them from here until the next 10,

20 years pass.

But until you start putting things into action,

Nothing really changes.

So I really hope that this sticks.

I hope that you've been inspired to take some action.

Namaste.

Until next time.

Bye for now.

Bye.