Why We Crave Connection: Exploring The Roots Of Codependency

Welcome to Breakdown to Breakthrough,

The podcast that empowers you to transform your life by awakening to your true,

Authentic self.

I'm Lisa A.

Romano,

Your host.

As an award-winning author and certified life coach,

I've dedicated my life to helping others understand the incredible power of an organized mind.

I believe that true empowerment begins with awakening to our false self.

My mission is to support you on your journey toward mental and emotional regeneration through conscious and deliberate awakening.

In this podcast,

I'll share insights,

Tools,

And transformative stories that illuminate the path to healing and self-discovery.

I'm your host,

Lisa A.

Romano,

The Breakthrough Life Coach,

And today I want to talk about going within.

So I got an email today from someone who asked me,

Why am I so afraid to let go?

Why am I so afraid to be alone?

Why can't I let go of my anger?

Why can't I be alone with my thoughts?

Why do I keep sabotaging relationships?

Why do I keep finding myself desperate for relationships?

Why do I find myself creating drama in my relationships?

I'm never happy.

And just as soon as I get happy,

I discover that soon after there's something that makes me unhappy.

So this is someone who's been following my work,

And she's beginning to understand looking within.

She's beginning to understand that she needs to question her mind,

Literally question her reality,

Question her perceptions.

And let's face it,

It's not easy to do that.

And when we are codependent,

We are,

Well,

Many people say we're addicted,

And codependency can be seen as an addiction.

But when we are wounded,

When we have attachment trauma,

When there is alcoholism in our background,

When we are struggling with addictions ourselves,

Right,

We are,

You can say that we are codependent on something outside of ourselves.

And that prevents us from going within.

That prevents us from finding the stillness within.

And so we remain in a 3D dualistic world.

So if you think about the mind,

It is both conscious and unconscious at the same time.

And yet,

To really transcend and to be enlightened,

We have to transcend the dualistic nature of the mind.

We have to transcend this idea that we are separate from all that is.

You know,

We have to recognize that we are nothing and everything at the same time,

Right?

So,

So many of us think that the world revolves around us.

It's what I think,

It's what I want,

It's what I feel,

And the world should stop because this is what I think and what I feel.

And yet,

If you are someone in the middle of something,

You realize that the world doesn't stop.

I remember being in the limousine after my grandmother's death,

And I was so full of grief and I just was like,

The world just keeps on spinning.

When my best friend Kathy passed away,

37 years old with two children,

The grief was so heavy.

But when I walked out after her wake,

I looked and I thought,

There's a taxicab and there's a bus,

And there are kids getting off their school bus,

And the world just keeps on spinning.

How could you have so much grief in your life,

And yet the world just keeps on spinning?

And it can be mind bending and maddening when you are going through something and you feel like no one understands you,

Right?

And that's really,

Really difficult.

And if you're going through something like that,

I can assure you that if you hang on and you understand the goal is to transcend the duality of it.

So in other words,

The goal is to become okay with whatever it is you're going through and not attached to it,

Not so easy.

So it's learning to observe what's happening rather than react to what's happening.

So I can be angry and upset at my husband for leaving a towel on the floor,

I like to use that analogy,

But yet I don't have to react to it,

Right?

I can think beyond it.

I can dissolve the duality of it.

I can see beyond it.

Not so easy to do.

And the more anxious we are,

The more codependent we are,

Or on the other side of the spectrum,

The more narcissistic we are in any given moment,

The more attached we are to something that's happening outside of us.

But we have to recognize,

I think,

What is the goal?

The goal is never going to be able to control someone or something outside of you.

That's not realistic because you can't control anything that happens outside of you.

You can only control what's happening inside of you.

And in order to even want to do that,

You have to recognize that the goal is to transcend the ego.

So the ego is subconscious.

The ego will rationalize,

The ego will defend,

The ego will accuse,

The ego will make up a story to match or to justify an anxiety that you're having.

We do it all the time.

So the ego is attached to or an aspect of the default mode network.

So on our journey,

Healing from codependency,

Healing from addictions to relationships,

Healing from a lack of self-love means that I have to connect to the love that I am.

I have to dissolve my ego.

I have to transcend the ego that has me believing it's telling me a story that I'm separate from you.

How do we find peace in our homes if we can't get along inside our own skin?

How do we get along with other people if our lives are a mess?

How do we get along with our children if we're upset within ourselves and we don't know how to make peace within ourselves and we're finding it hard to get through a day?

How do we create happiness outside of us if we haven't figured out how to create happiness inside of us?

So we naturally run away from what is inside of us.

And until we awaken to this idea that ego is always going to make it difficult for us to transcend the dualistic nature of reality.

So it's finding the stillness within.

It's going into the stillness.

It's not judging the stillness,

Right?

It's learning to say to yourself that I am not my form.

I'm not my gender.

You know,

I just had a conversation with my youngest daughter the other day.

I said,

You know,

You do realize that you're sitting next to a physical being,

But this is just a space suit.

I might look like your mom and I have a name and I have a gender and I do my makeup every day,

But that's not who I am.

Who I am is essence and my essence loves you and you don't have to do anything for me to love you.

You are even an aspect of me.

We are all one.

What I was trying to do is I want to make sure that my daughter recognizes that she's not her thighs and she's not her face.

She's got nothing to prove to anyone.

She is complete beauty in divinity.

She is divine.

I want her to appreciate the fact that she is essence and that she doesn't have to try to make people love her.

She doesn't have to look in the mirror and judge herself.

She doesn't have to look at other people and judge them.

It's not important.

It's insignificant.

It really is insignificant.

The more we're able to go within,

The more we're able to sit with our own boo-boos,

To sit with our own issues,

To love ourselves in spite of our issues,

The more we recognize when we are being triggered by other people.

If I'm being triggered by something outside of me,

I still have work to do.

A trigger is actually a bullseye.

Whatever continues to tick you off is something that you have to work with until it no longer ticks you off,

Until you've found the release of it.

This doesn't happen overnight.

This can take years.

But I think knowing what the goal is,

The goal is transcending the ego so that you can stay in a state of equanimity so your kids don't tick you off so much anymore,

Your best friend doesn't tick you off so much anymore.

What's happening outside of you no longer controls you.

And so codependency,

And like I said,

Codependency and narcissism exist on a spectrum.

We have to be careful when we are self-absorbed.

We have to be careful when we are expecting everyone to think like us.

That's something that I have to recognize in myself.

I have to not react when I bump up against someone who doesn't agree with me.

And I have to be able to recognize that that's that person's reality,

And that's okay.

I always say I don't argue with people,

Right?

You know,

Even Anthony,

I don't argue with my husband.

I just don't.

Because once I identify that he has a perception,

Or anyone,

My children,

Whoever,

And it's not in alignment with mine,

I understand how the brain works.

People argue for their right to have a perception.

And so it's very healthy for us to then question our perceptions,

Especially when we're so irritated all the time.

So if you're irritated all the time,

There's work to do.

And it's important to recognize that the goal really is to transcend the ego.

And transcending the ego means that I have to heal.

I have to learn to believe that I'm enough.

I have found that understanding the brain,

And understanding the science of the brain,

Understanding pain versus pleasure,

Understanding cognitive dissonance,

Understanding how alcoholism in a family system can really throw a family into a loop of dysfunction.

You've got parents who are narcissistic,

Or parents who are alcoholic.

They're not taking care of their stuff,

Right?

And then in the not taking care of their stuff,

The children are getting ignored.

And so there's a sense of unsafety,

Or not safe,

I'm not safe.

And then I feel anxious.

And then what do I do?

I smoke weed,

Or I game all day,

Or I spend time on Instagram or Facebook.

I find some avoidant activity to help pull me away from my anxiety.

You're not crazy.

Your brain is built for addiction.

So it's important to recognize that if there is an underlying anxiety,

If there is something that's upsetting you,

If you're in a relationship with someone else that's straining you,

Or if you are involved in self-sabotaging behaviors,

And you keep finding yourself back in the same spot time and time again,

You're in a loop,

And we need to kick you out of it.

And so identifying triggers is a great way to get kicked out of a loop,

Because they're easy to recognize.

So whenever I find myself triggered,

I know,

Okay,

There it is.

That's a stuck spot.

What am I avoiding?

Or what is difficult about this situation?

What do I wish I could change?

Where is the grief in this?

Where's the pain in this situation?

Do I feel invisible?

Do I feel not good enough?

Do I feel sad?

Is there grief in this situation?

Because usually anger is a cover-up for something heavier that we just don't know how to process.

So that therein is the problem,

Because spiritual teachers of enlightenment will say,

You have to go into the stillness.

Okay,

Lady,

But you have any idea what crap is in my stillness?

Right?

And so no,

We don't psychologically jump right into the stillness when we don't know that we're not the crap that's in the stillness.

That beyond the stillness,

Well,

Beyond the crap is the pure stillness,

Which connects you to everything.

So what happens is as you transcend ego,

You dissolve,

Right?

And you become one with everything.

So you're no longer separate,

Mind,

Body,

And soul.

You are one.

You're one entity.

You're no longer separate from people,

Even people that tick you off.

You begin to see that you are an extension of infinite intelligence,

As is everyone.

But everyone is at different stages of cognitive understanding of consciousness.

You can awaken your consciousness,

And you can experience equanimity,

Right?

You can be peaceful under duress.

You can observe a trigger in you and not react to that trigger.

You can learn to do that,

But this takes time.

Like I said,

It could take months.

It could take years.

It could take a decade.

But I think as we become more aware of the goal,

The easier it is for us to stay on path.

Because I know the goal is equanimity,

Right?

Under duress.

Equanimity,

Always.

Because I know that peace is my goal,

Then I am very aware of when influences come in of my own doing,

My perception.

If I'm not feeling well,

I tend to have a more negative perception.

I can get irritated.

Maybe I'm not speaking my truth.

Maybe I expect someone to read my mind.

Maybe I'm taking care of someone that I wish would take care of themselves.

Maybe I'm jumping in to fix something that I really shouldn't be jumping in to fix.

Whatever it is,

Right?

Now that I know that peace is the goal,

When I start talking or yapping or I start doing something that is in opposition to peace,

I know I'm going in the wrong direction.

So it's important that we realize that life source energy flows up and negative energy flows down.

So even that is a great idea to consider because as I'm growing and expanding,

Energy in my body is growing up,

So I'm becoming expansive.

I'm becoming more loving,

Right?

When I'm becoming less loving,

I am not doing something correct.

So the goal is always to become more loving,

Right?

So in the beginning,

I have to be more loving towards myself.

You become more loving towards yourself.

And then you start to find yourself like,

Wow,

I was never not good enough,

Right?

You also have to take care of behaviors that are destructive.

After my divorce,

I jumped right into a relationship and then another relationship.

That was destructive.

And even though I was in a codependent relationship with my ex-husband,

I was still ignorant.

I began to understand,

Oh,

I'm codependent,

But I thought that my relationship with my ex-husband was codependent.

We were codependent.

I didn't know yet.

I hadn't made those leaps yet to understand,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

I am codependent.

This is my subconscious pattern.

I don't feel good enough.

I tend to attach to people.

People please.

I will twist myself into a pretzel so no one will abandon me,

Right?

I act like I'm happier than I actually am.

I want to please you.

I hope that if I can take care of you,

You'll find value in me.

That's where I was getting my identity.

So I was codependent,

Or I should say I had no awareness of the divinity I was.

So the codependency was the story.

But I had to come go through my relationship addiction.

I have what I call the drop the mop moment where I realized I crave relationships.

It's no bueno for Lisa to be alone.

I was terrified to be alone with myself.

And so I had to face my addiction.

I had to go cold turkey.

For me,

I went cold turkey.

You know,

I had to say no more.

I'm not,

No,

I have to figure this out because this is preventing me from learning how to love myself to the point where I don't need relationships.

I don't need to chase after a man.

I don't need to tolerate half-ass friendship relationships.

I don't need to hang out with people that I'm really not happy that I'm hanging out with them.

Or I don't need to be with people that are doing things that I'm not cool with.

I don't have to tolerate that.

But when you're codependent and you are afraid to be alone,

And there's so much chaos,

And there's so much anxiety,

And there's so much panic,

And you're used to distracting yourself from all this stuff,

Being alone is the scariest thing in the world.

Ultimately,

That represents our major wound,

Abandonment.

We don't want to be alone.

We don't want to believe that we are alone in the world.

If you've suffered abandonment trauma,

Then finding the stillness within is terrifying.

And yet,

We have to go into the darkness.

We have to embrace this scary aspect of our life.

We have to go into the abandonment trauma.

We have to feel it.

We have to resurrect ourselves.

We have to come from the cocoon and resurrect ourselves.

In ancient traditions,

They would take 12-year-old little boys and pull them from their mothers and bring them into a cave.

And the cave was complete darkness.

And these little boys weren't allowed to leave the cave until they mastered their fear of the darkness.

They had to learn to sit with the stillness in complete darkness.

And that was their transition into manhood.

And it's amazing that some ancient traditions actually had this as a way of life,

To teach boys to let go of the safety of what they've always known,

Which is their mother.

Let go.

Go into the cave.

And the men would come and take the little boys and stick them in this cave.

And they would have to.

.

.

They could only come out once they've mastered their fear of being alone.

So they went in terrified,

But they came out one with the terror,

One with the fear,

No longer afraid.

So it was the duality.

They transcended the duality.

So they became one with their fear,

Which is transcending the fear.

But I think once we all recognize that that's our mission too.

If you love a narcissist,

If you've lived with a narcissist,

If you've been raised by a narcissist,

This person is self-absorbed.

This person is all about me.

This person is always playing the victim.

This person is self-centered.

This person lacks empathy.

This person feels entitled to exploit other people emotionally.

This is someone that generally will make your life very,

Very difficult.

And the stories that they create can be very convincing.

And so you find yourself.

.

.

And they can be highly vindictive.

So that's a telltale sign of narcissism.

Somebody who is held bent on making someone else's life miserable.

There's very little acceptance,

Very little personal responsibility.

It's me,

What I think,

What I feel,

The hell with everybody else.

And they just make your life miserable with self-righteousness,

With blaming,

With accusations,

With gaslighting,

With projection.

And it's really,

Really a murky place to be.

Now the problem is that that type of a person,

If you love that person,

This is your wife or your husband or even your child,

Then this person is always bringing drama to your door,

Right?

And you end up trying to please this person,

Or this person is accusing you of things that you're not guilty of.

They're gaslighting you.

They're trying to make you responsible for how they feel.

They want you to fix it.

And guess what happens?

This person is not transcending the dualistic nature of their mind.

They're stuck in the subconscious mind.

What they spit out is coming from the subconscious floor,

And they believe it.

And now the ego,

Which is unconscious,

Goes along with it,

Tells a story.

And everybody that they know is getting all wrapped up in this story.

And that's why if you love a narcissist,

It's very important that you don't get stuck in that story,

Because a narcissist needs you to be a part of that 3D reality.

That muck,

That mire,

The narcissist is nailed to that reality,

And they want to nail you to that reality too,

Which makes it impossible for you to transcend,

Because the narcissist wants you to believe in their false reality,

And they want you to prop up their false reality.

And if you're not careful,

You're going to get pulled down the toilet bowl.

You will get sucked into this reality,

Trying to save someone or trying to get them to change their position.

So it's important that those of us who are on the healing path,

Who are in it for,

We don't want a little bit of healing,

We want all the healing,

Right?

So we want peace in our soul.

So one of the things that we can do is recognize what triggers us.

If something's triggering me,

I have work to do.

Because when I am enlightened,

I am non-dualistic.

I am one with everything,

Right?

So wisdom is knowing that you're nothing,

And love is knowing that you're everything.

So how can we be nothing and everything at the same time?

That's enlightenment.

When you know that you're nothing,

But yet you are everything,

I know it sounds crazy,

But that is enlightenment.

When I know that the dramas that are in my head can be shifted through perception,

Like I used to be so afraid to go up against my ex-husband.

It's hard for people to believe that I was actually the woman that was kneeling down and crouching between the toilet bowl and the shower and the tub while he was yelling at me.

It's hard to believe that how many years ago I was that person crying because we were going through the divorce,

And he said he wasn't going to pay the mortgage.

He took the checkbooks.

He had complete control over the money,

And I was being punished for wanting to move out of this very toxic relationship.

And I guess his agenda was to try to terrify me.

And so I was that person.

I was that woman that was terrified of this person.

And no longer am I afraid of that person,

So that person has no control over me anymore.

But that work happened inside of me.

It did not happen outside of me.

So what was transcended was me.

I transcended this idea that I was powerless.

I transcended the fear that I was nothing.

I transcended this idea that I don't have a right to speak my truth,

Even if that pisses everybody else off,

Right?

I had to learn to honor what I felt and to walk with integrity.

I had to believe in teaching my children something else,

And I had to walk into an abyss.

You talk about this illness?

I had to let go of everything that I know,

Relying on my ex-husband,

Relying on my family,

Relying on everything that I knew,

Relying on friends,

Relying on other family members,

Neighbors.

No,

Everything.

I let go of everything.

And it felt like I was falling backwards into a black hole,

And there were no walls to hang onto,

And I didn't know where the floor was.

And so I get it.

This did not happen for me overnight.

This took a long time.

And I can tell you,

Just thinking back to those days,

It was terrifying to let go of everything that you know,

To go into the abyss.

That's our cocoon experience.

It's similar to what ancient civilizations used to do,

Where they take the boy,

They rip the boy from the security of everything that he's ever known,

And they stick him in a dark cave.

I mean,

Complete blackness.

That's sort of what we have to do.

We have to go into the stillness.

And so I hope that what you're hearing is that you are enough,

And that if you have triggers,

Then there's work to do.

And then try to embrace the trigger,

Right?

So write down what pisses you off.

That's a great place to start.

What pisses you off?

Who pisses you off?

What kinds of things tick you off,

Right?

And know that those are the things that we need to transcend,

Because it's the duality of it,

Right?

And are you disempowering yourself by believing that this thing or this person has control over how you feel?

I know that's what I did.

I gave all this power over to this person.

I gave all this power over to my family.

I was a 30-something-year-old woman afraid to tell my parents that I was unhappy and I wanted a divorce.

It was like I was seven years old.

I couldn't believe it.

What am I doing?

I have children.

I have a house.

I have a business.

I'm afraid to tell my family I'm unhappy?

That's how much control I gave them.

Now,

The reality is that that control or that consciousness,

That dysfunctional belief started when I was little,

Because I was not allowed to have any control over me as a child.

My parents wanted complete control over us,

So I wasn't crazy in the sense that I just picked this up from nowhere.

This was a stream of consciousness that my parents helped create when I was a child,

And I was not awakened.

I did not know that this was a dysfunctional stream of consciousness.

I was just acting it out like an avatar.

I was just acting it out,

But my body to my body,

It felt very real.

The terror felt very real.

That is why it's so important to think about this idea of the stillness.

You're not your body,

But you need your body.

You're not your body,

But you are your body.

In other words,

Spirit is in your body.

You're not your body,

But you have to learn to navigate your body.

If you just believe in your five senses and your mind,

You're an avatar,

Because you are so much more than your five senses.

You can tap into the field of potential once you learn how to go into the stillness.

Now,

How can you do this?

Meditation.

First,

You have to,

Number one,

You have to learn how to still your mind.

Then number two,

You have to learn how to focus on something without being distracted and bringing your mind back to that thing.

You have to learn that you can focus on your feet,

You can focus on your heart,

You can focus on your breathing,

And you have to learn what it means to think about thoughts as a balloon passing your window.

You don't have to jump out your window to attach to the balloon.

You can observe a balloon going past your window,

Like you observe the clouds going past your window.

Meditation can slow down the mind,

And meditation can help you learn what it means to have a thought and not react to it.

Why is that important?

Because if you're going to be able to go into the stillness within,

You're going to find your demons.

You're going to find the lions and the tigers and the bears and the dragons,

And you've got to be able to observe them without reacting to them.

That is how they dissolve.

So it was when I faced my fear of disappointing my parents that it dissolved.

When I faced the fear of my dependency on my ex-husband,

That fear dissolved.

What did I find?

I found love.

I found myself.

I found that I was able to tap into what I believed in,

And then I stayed on that path and I was able to create a mission-based business,

Which is possible for everyone.

I just hope that what you're hearing is that although we have problems outside of us,

The answer is inside of us.

The more we acknowledge what ticks us off and the more we recognize that the goal is to have equanimity around these things,

So the goal is peace,

So then it becomes my job.

Suddenly,

I have the power again.

That's ticking me off.

How do I resolve that?

This morning,

I woke up very early.

I did a meditation and I journaled about something that we're going through in my family and I was able to let it go.

So I go into the stillness and then I release it.

I work it out in my mind.

Sometimes we have to let relationships go.

Sometimes we have to have difficult conversations.

Sometimes we have to express a need.

I hear a lot of codependents say,

Well,

I shouldn't have to tell my husband that.

I shouldn't have to tell my son that.

I shouldn't have to tell my best friend that.

I shouldn't have to tell my boss that.

Well,

Do you know what?

That's your ego and your ego is saying that shouldn't be,

But it is,

And now what are you going to do about it?

It is.

What are you going to do about it?

That's what your power is.

You disempower yourself when you buck up against what is.

So if you have a need,

It's your responsibility to come into alignment with that need and then to express that need,

Right?

Now it's up to you to hear the other person out,

Right?

And hopefully you'll be able to meet in the middle.

I think we also have to figure out like,

You know,

How important are these things that I'm actually complaining about,

Right?

So how important are they?

I had a conversation with both my daughters today because one of her friends,

My oldest daughter's friends had a massive stroke back in January and she has not recovered and is still on a ventilator.

So it's very sad.

So in the conversation,

I was again,

Trying to teach a moment with my daughters,

Asking them how important is that thing that ticked you off yesterday?

Not very important.

How important is that thing that you hold on to?

Not very important.

How important it is because they have a business and once in a while they get emails that are not very nice,

But I asked my daughters,

Well,

How important is it for you to react so strongly to what this person had to say?

Or can you move into a state of non-resistance and accept it?

That's their reality and not attached to the balloon that is floating past your window.

So teaching them resiliency,

Teaching them that it's,

Is it really that important?

We make people important.

We make their reactions important.

We give them ownership over our reality.

And so when I started to put what I thought at the head of my reality,

Then the need to be recognized by other people began to diminish,

Right?

So it was when I said what I think is important,

Then suddenly the people,

My mother,

My father,

My ex-husband,

Suddenly they didn't have power over me.

And when I realized,

Well,

I want to wake up and I want to be happy.

I want to be peaceful.

I don't want drama.

I don't want nonsense.

So I got to make sure that I'm not creating it,

Right?

So then I got to make sure that,

Boy,

Do I sound like I'm from New York?

I gotta,

I gotta,

Whatever,

I'm from New York.

So if I want to have peace in my life,

I got to make sure that I am not creating drama,

That I am not pulling people into my life that create drama.

Now in order to do that,

I have to learn to accept the stillness within.

And so shame and self-doubt and self-criticism,

Any type of relationship addiction,

Any type of distraction,

These things are going to make it very difficult for you to go within.

So I suggest that you take this very seriously.

If any of this resonates with you,

Don't wait.

Time is ticking for all of us.

Time is ticking for all of us.

Learn to go within.

And I really hope that you use meditation to help you do that.

Namaste,

Everybody.

Until next time.

Bye for now.

Bye.