Boundaries: The Foundation To Healthy Relationships At Work, In Love, & At Home

Welcome to Living Simply,

A guide to mindful living and mindful parenting with your host,

Dr.

Gina.

Hi everybody.

How are you doing Ben today?

I'm great today.

Yeah.

I'm excited for Halloween.

I am.

I genuinely am excited for Halloween.

We are nowhere near Halloween right now when we're recording this,

But I'm excited for Halloween.

Yeah.

How are you?

With the little guy,

Eh?

Oh yeah.

He's had the best Halloween costumes by the way.

Two years ago,

He was Bob Ross.

Who's Bob Ross?

Who's Bob Ross?

Is it a basketball player or?

No,

Bob Ross.

All right,

Bob Ross is a,

Well,

This is an American like PBS thing,

So public broadcasting system thing.

So you know what?

I shouldn't be that surprised because we are from different countries,

But Bob Ross had a show from like the,

Are you familiar with Mr.

Rogers?

Oh yeah.

A lot of people,

Yeah,

A lot of people feel like they are similar.

They didn't do similar things at all.

Bob Ross had a painting show.

He was a guy,

He was just a very soft spoken guy with a big permed Afro and he just painted like little scenes and it was so relaxing.

It's on Netflix now.

People that are like,

People that are in like their twenties and thirties now like watch him to go to sleep and it's like an anti-anxiety thing.

People love Bob Ross right now so much,

Including this four year old.

And yeah,

So he was like,

He's famous for painting and saying like happy tree,

Like let's make a happy little tree and stuff like that.

So Bob Ross is awesome and it was very cute to see a two year old at the time be Bob Ross.

So that was awesome.

Yeah,

I think he wants to be a Power Ranger this year,

But I'm excited for that because I was a Power Ranger when I was a little kid.

Does Beatrice celebrate Halloween?

Oh yeah.

This year she wants to be Red Riding Hood.

Nice.

I think she would be a great Red Riding Hood.

So this episode is Setting Boundaries.

The last four episodes we covered the four agreements and that was awesome.

And a lot of the things that we talked about in Doing Your Best,

The last episode that we did,

We talked about how they would lead nicely into this episode.

Healthy boundaries,

You know,

Creating healthy boundaries.

And this is a favorite topic of yours,

Is it not?

Yeah it is because over the years in my practice,

I've realized it didn't matter what clients came to see me for.

Boundaries are at the core of happiness,

Healthy relationships.

Boundaries are essential.

Boundaries with ourselves,

With people around us.

If we can have healthy boundaries,

Everything will run smoothly I think.

So I thought boundaries would be important.

I think yeah,

I think boundaries are extremely important.

The first life coaching,

Coaching,

This genre podcast that I ever recorded,

Glen,

Like five years ago,

Was like,

Mentioned boundaries.

And I was like,

Oh yeah,

Those are the thing.

I should get those.

I should start with those.

My mom's gonna hate this,

Listening to this,

Because I'm like talking about her.

And then about three months ago,

We were talking about it on the show again.

And I was like,

Boundaries,

Yeah,

Yeah,

I haven't done any of that.

So maybe this one will seep through my thick skull.

Why are they so important?

Because it allows you to teach people how to treat you.

So your own boundaries allows you to teach people how to treat you,

But also it teaches you where to not cross other people's boundaries.

So if your own boundaries are pretty loose,

You're more likely to cross other people's boundaries.

So I think it's important to learn about what are healthy boundaries,

Because many of us don't know.

And therefore we expect everyone to be like us,

And then we get disappointment,

Yeah,

Disappointments and resentments.

And so we need to learn what are boundaries,

And boundaries have to do with your rights,

Basically,

As a human being.

Okay,

Yeah,

What are boundaries,

Gina?

Tell me what boundaries are.

So boundaries are very personal as well,

Because different people have different boundaries,

And our boundaries change also with who we interact with.

So boundaries,

To have boundaries is you need to know what you're willing and not willing to accept from others,

And communicate that to others.

But you also need to set boundaries with yourself,

And I think our own boundaries are connected to our values,

Like I mentioned a few times.

What am I willing and not willing to accept from people?

And the more challenging people,

The most challenging people to set boundaries with,

I think would be family.

Yeah.

Because it's pretty charged emotionally,

And depending how they respond to your boundary settings,

It'll push your buttons,

And you will push their buttons.

So yeah,

And with your children,

You need to set boundaries at work.

So boundaries sometimes can be hard to set in certain environments where there are power differentials.

That's why you see a lot of harassment at work.

Sometimes it's hard to set a boundary because you're scared to lose your job,

And you need the money because you have four kids and you're a single mom.

But boundaries,

They apply to anything,

How people treat you.

And usually I think boundaries,

You tend to hang out with people similar to you,

So you'll have similar boundaries.

If you're very progressive and you don't like sexist homophobic comments and people make those comments,

You might set a boundary to go,

You know,

This is inappropriate.

Please don't talk that way in front of me.

But if that person hangs out with other homophobic or racist people,

Well,

Those people won't set boundaries.

So boundaries,

I think,

Are also very personal.

Yeah.

In a sense of people hanging out with people that have similar boundaries as you do.

Like for example,

My best friend Dave and I,

Dave is the person who edits the show,

He and I both don't like practical jokes,

Especially physical.

Young men have a tendency to play physical practical jokes on each other,

Hitting each other,

Knocking each other down,

You know what I mean?

Those sorts of things.

And we just literally,

That's something that neither of us have ever found acceptable.

And we don't do it with each other and nobody does it with us.

But that's a very simple,

And I wanted to start small,

So that's a simple,

Safe boundary.

We don't like practical jokes.

We like jokes,

But we don't like anything where you're at the expense of someone else.

And a lot of this was 10 years ago,

But if somebody ever came up and flicked my ear hard,

Which is a thing kids do,

Like 20 year olds still do,

Go out and drink and mess with each other,

That would never fly and no one has done that to me since like 10th grade because I won't accept it,

You know?

So that's a little thing.

What are some boundaries that you've set for yourself in different scenarios,

Maybe on a little bit of a different power dynamic?

So example,

There are boundaries with personal space.

If someone I don't know comes really close to me,

I get uncomfortable.

Although I'm a very warm and affectionate person with people I do know,

I'm not comfortable if a total stranger would get too close to me.

So example,

In my work,

I don't sit too close to my clients when it would make me uncomfortable and it would make them uncomfortable.

Oh my God,

Yeah.

That's a whole aspect I didn't even think of.

As a psychologist,

You know a lot about the people that come in.

It's extremely important for you to set boundaries with those people.

And so one of them is a physical boundary.

You don't set yourself up to be too close to them.

Yeah.

So there are boundaries you can set.

It applies to my work,

But it could apply in a personal situation.

Example being on time.

I am on time for my clients.

I expect them to be on time with me to respect my time,

But also to respect the time of my client,

The client that comes after them.

Right.

Yes,

There'll be the odd emergency and I might run five minutes late,

But I try to enforce that my clients don't have to wait because they've missed work,

They've hired babysitters.

So I'm a stickler for time.

Example years,

Years,

Years ago,

I had a friend who was consistently an hour late.

That's a long time.

Consistently.

And I would,

At the beginning I would be resentful,

But in the end what I learned was,

Well then I'm not going to wait for her anymore.

So you know,

If we'd make a dinner,

We'd be many people we'd all be waiting.

I'm like,

Too bad she's late.

She'll show up for dessert.

So right.

And some people don't care,

But some people don't realize that time is the only resource that we have that is nonrenewable.

You know,

If we lose money,

We go in debt,

We can always earn more money.

But time is really precious.

This hour we spent together,

You will never ever get it back.

So how people choose to spend their time,

For example,

I realize it's really important and sacred.

So that's one of my boundaries.

I respect people's time and if I'm going to be late,

Because it happens,

I used to be super on time ahead of time before I had a child.

And for some reason,

When you have a kid,

There's always something and I balance that I don't want to stress my kid out.

Yeah,

Yeah,

We're gonna be late too,

So and so.

So if I'm gonna be late,

I will text or call the person.

But I don't tell them at the time I'm supposed to be there.

So that they know I'm running late and it shows respect for their time.

So that's an example of a boundary regarding time.

Some people don't care.

But I do.

That is,

That's something I have to work on.

That's why it's very personal,

Right?

Yeah,

Yeah,

For sure.

And there's,

There's a,

To me,

There's a window of lateness.

An hour is a lot.

Right,

15 minutes happens.

And again,

Life happens.

We need some flexibility.

Right.

Well,

There's traffic accidents.

But if it's something like a weekly appointment,

And you're consistently like seven to 12 minutes late,

Like you're not valuing the relationship that you are in.

You're not valuing the other person's time.

You know,

And that's when I think that and I've done that.

I've been both sides of that,

You know,

And luckily for me,

I got called out on it.

You know,

Not that,

I mean,

I'm still not great at it,

Honestly.

But yeah,

There's a lack of respect for not,

When a boundary has been attempted to be set and you don't follow it,

Then you're really showing a big lack of respect to that person.

How do you deal with people that don't respect the boundaries?

So we've talked about time and physical space and stuff,

And those are,

Those seem like pretty easy ones to respect when people try to set them with you.

How do you deal with,

So before we get into the more difficult ones,

How do you deal with people not respecting even the simplest of boundaries?

So again,

I think it depends who you're dealing with,

Right?

Whether it's in the work environment,

Home,

Friends,

Family.

I think with certain people,

When they cross boundaries and they really don't respect them,

The extreme is you cut ties with this person.

If they're really disrespectful,

You start wondering,

Do I want this person as part of my life?

Right.

And others,

Like I said,

You readjust.

If you really like that person and that's their only flaw,

They're always late.

You do like,

Like I told you,

You start anyways,

Or you're like,

Sorry,

I,

You know,

I went to the movies anyways.

You didn't show up.

So adjusting your expectations,

You know,

This person's never going to change to reduce your own stress.

You can't control them,

But you can control how you respond to them.

Then you make plans accordingly.

So example,

Some people will tell them be there at six when really they need to be there at seven,

Knowing they're always going to be late.

With my clients,

If they're late,

It's okay.

If you're half hour late,

You're,

You have a half hour session if we have an hour booked,

Right?

Yeah.

Not gonna give you the whole hour and then penalize the person after you.

Right.

And with some people,

If there's no one after you penalize yourself,

Having to stay there.

Yeah.

Because some,

Some will push boundaries,

Right?

Once you have a client after me,

No,

But I have other commitments.

And even if that commitment is to myself,

Then I need to rest and do nothing.

I don't need a good reason.

No,

It doesn't matter if,

It doesn't matter if the second they walk out of the room,

You stare at the wall for an hour,

Like whatever,

You know,

It's,

It's your time and their time that they,

That they scheduled and that they're paying for or whatever is,

Is the time that,

That was agreed to.

And that's that relationship,

You know?

Yeah.

And it's important to set boundaries,

Um,

From the beginning and then loosen them up.

Yeah.

As the relationship evolves versus the other way.

You know,

Some people have such loose boundaries and then they get taken advantage of.

So would you say don't start small?

No,

I,

I'd say it's easier to be more rigid and then loosen up than the other way around.

Because if you're really loose on boundaries,

You're teaching people you can do this,

Do that.

And you're more likely to break them.

Yeah.

But you know,

If someone's always late,

You say nothing and a year later you complained,

They're going to go,

What,

What do you mean?

Yeah.

You've let me be late for a year.

Why is that a problem suddenly?

Do you see what I mean?

Yeah.

You've,

You've allowed them to cross the boundary.

So when we set a boundary,

It's a two way street.

I set a boundary or I don't.

And if someone crosses it and they'll go,

Whoa,

Um,

Well I'm enabling the boundary crossing basically.

Uh,

Setting boundaries with your children.

Yes.

Let's let's dive deep into that topic.

Perfect.

So there are so many different boundaries,

Right?

So there are boundaries relating to discipline boundaries relating to the respect of the family values.

So if we go basic simple,

Um,

Please and thank you.

Um,

Please and thank you seems very simple,

But these two gestures of making a child say please and thank you teaches impulse control because for a second they have to wait before they get what they want.

Right?

Mommy,

Get me a glass of water.

Please mommy,

Can you get me a glass of water?

So it's teaching values and impulse control.

So if you're not consistent with your boundaries,

You're not,

And that's anything.

If you're not consistent,

People get confused,

So they'll do whatever they want.

So if you want,

Um,

When you're raising your child and you're setting boundaries,

It's basically setting ground rules for behaviors and how you treat each other.

You want consistency,

Right?

Because if it's not consistent,

The children are confused.

How do you set a boundary of,

This is maybe this is going to be off topic.

Maybe this isn't a boundary.

What about kids that cling,

Right?

A child that wants you,

Wants your attention all of the time,

You know,

So,

So say that,

Um,

For whatever reason,

There's a child that wants,

You know,

Doesn't want to play by him or herself.

Um,

And,

Uh,

They just,

And,

And when they go to do it,

When they go in their room to play and they,

You know,

You've,

You've sort of set up that you're going to play by yourself for 20 minutes or whatever,

You know,

And then all of a sudden it's mommy,

I got to show you this.

Mom,

Daddy,

I got to show you this,

You know,

How do you set that boundary?

So one big thing is,

Um,

Age,

Right?

So developmental age is really important.

You can't set that boundary with a six month old.

You need to reach right away.

So the two year old versus four year old versus six year old is very different,

Right?

So if one take into consideration the age level,

Um,

If you need your time,

Let's say,

Let's do a simple example,

You need time to cook dinner.

So like I always tell my clients is prevention is a lot easier than correction.

So you're going to parent consciously and with present knowing we all know two year olds will cling,

Will want,

They can't wait.

So I need to start teaching them from a young age to play on their own.

But when they're little,

They need to be close to you.

So that's where it started where kids,

You know,

You,

You organize your kitchen so that all the bottom drawers are non dangerous,

Non breakable things.

So they can play with their Tupperwares in the kitchen while you cook.

Yeah.

And so you're teaching them from the time they're very little to entertain themselves without screens because then they're depending on their own brain and their own imaginations to entertain themselves.

Then when they're a little bit bigger,

I'm thinking of my daughter,

Then if I needed time to cook,

I'd sit her on the counter,

Put her in the sink.

Sometimes her feet in the sink full of water and she'd play with,

With the water and the toys there.

And then expand the environment,

Right?

So then when they're,

By the time they're five or six,

They can play alone in another room.

Yep.

So proximity has an impact.

And so you train them to feel safe being away from you so that boundary will evolve with the age of the child.

So parenting takes a lot of planning ahead of time thinking of where do you want to end up and parent from that point of view.

If you want to create an independent child,

You need to set the foundation for that.

And screens don't encourage that because they're dependent on something else to entertain themselves versus their own brain.

So it's a lot of forethought and thinking ahead of time.

That's not a simple answer.

Yeah,

That's,

But that was great.

I mean,

You just elaborated on a lot of different areas that I think will really help parents.

You just talked about boundaries evolving.

I think that that's a great place to end.

Just because you set a boundary doesn't mean that's the end of it.

You know?

Life needs to be flexible,

Right?

Yeah.

So let's use dating for an example.

Two people go on a first date.

You don't lay out all your problems.

Well,

I've been sexually abused as a child.

My ex did this.

That's crossing a boundary of intimacy,

Right?

I guess so.

In what you disclose,

You might have boundaries around physical touch when you're first dating.

Then as the relationship evolves,

You get more and more intimate.

So the boundaries regarding physical space and touch changes.

So if I think of someone,

People who are online dating,

You don't have the person in front of you is a lunatic.

So you need pretty good boundaries to protect yourself.

And as the trust falls,

Then you can loosen up your boundaries.

And some boundaries you might never loosen up.

Example I would not date someone who's actively an addict.

Someone who's sober for 20 years.

That's a different story.

So that boundary,

I don't care if the person's the best guy in the world.

If he's an alcoholic drug addict,

I'm not interested.

No matter how nice they are,

Right?

Right.

Yeah.

So some boundaries are rigid,

Some are not.

And sometimes boundaries are set in the middle of a relationship.

Sometimes something that wasn't an issue is now an issue.

And now you need to change your address or add a new boundary.

So I think that's it for boundaries.

I know that there's a lot more that you can talk about it.

And I feel like people would have a lot of questions about it.

If you do send them in,

We'd be glad to do a Q&A with Gina.

And so is there anything else that you'd like to say on boundaries before we get to the moment of gratitude?

Like I've said already,

Boundaries are essential.

If you can get clear on your boundaries,

You're more likely to have healthier relationships as well.

Awesome.

Gina,

I believe it's your turn to go first.

What are you grateful for this week?

What I'm super grateful for is the humongous benefits of homeschooling my daughter.

And she's expressed the same benefits as well.

Because last year she was in school three days a week.

But this year she's one day a week because she's going to focus more on her competitive dance.

So we're doing a bit more homeschooling than the previous years.

And not having to drive in traffic and making lunches.

We still have a set routine,

Which is great because she loves it.

But I think yeah,

The being stuck in traffic was a big time waster and making lunches.

I really don't like making lunch.

She enjoyed mommy,

I get to eat lunch slowly instead of being rushed to eat her lunch.

So I'm super grateful for homeschooling.

Nice.

I like that.

I once again have not thought of the gratitude moment until now.

Oops.

Which is a funny thing because I do think about things that I'm grateful for a lot.

I am grateful for right now being somebody who's able to encourage other people.

I like that,

For example,

My cousin,

I have a cousin who lives in Tennessee and he is sort of like a,

I don't know,

He's just a normal guy.

He's just a really normal 30 something year old guy and he works really hard and he goes home and he does his thing.

I was able to call him and have a five minute conversation where I'm like,

Hey,

You should get back into baseball cards.

You should do that.

They're hot right now.

They're going to be hot soon.

I know how much you loved that growing up.

It was all,

You know what I mean?

Just encouraged him to have a fun hobby that isn't going to work for the town and working really hard for 60 hours a week and then go home and take care of his mom and girlfriend and stuff.

I called him.

I was really excited about it.

I was like,

Hey,

You should do this.

This is fun.

I'm not saying anything is going to come of it whatsoever for you and I don't think that that's the point,

But I think that it would make you really happy.

It's nice being someone,

I'm really grateful that I've become someone who people will take that phone call from and then go like,

Oh yeah,

You know what?

That's a cool idea.

Thanks Ben.

So grateful.

Boom.

I dropped my pen because I didn't want to drop my microphone.

Gina,

Where can people find you for help with setting boundaries,

Setting healthy boundaries and learning more about healthy boundaries?

I love to help people with boundaries so they can reach me at drmadrigrando.

Com and they can find me on social media.

Awesome.

All right,

Gina,

Thank you so much and happy Halloween if you guys are listening to this when it comes out.

Yeah,

You too.

Have fun.

For more information or to book an appointment with Dr.

Gina,

Go to drmadrigrando.

Com or click the link in the description of this episode.