Your Child’s Self-Esteem: Part 2

Welcome to Living Simply,

A guide to mindful living and mindful parenting with your host,

Dr.

Gina.

Hello,

Everybody,

And welcome to Living Simply with Dr.

Gina Madrigano.

That is Dr.

Gina.

My name is Ben.

I'm the producer of the show.

Gina,

How are you?

It's reverse.

You got to go.

How are you?

Fabulous,

Ben.

How are you?

I'm wonderful.

Thank you.

If you're watching this live,

Which by the way,

If you're listening to this later on Insight Timer or on the podcast,

Wherever you might listen to it,

You can watch these live every Monday night at 6 p.

M.

Eastern time.

And today is Labor Day,

Which I just found out is the same as Labor Day in Canada.

So that's pretty cool.

Yeah,

I said we have that in common.

Yeah.

Christmas and New Year's,

But not Thanksgiving.

It's the big three,

The big three,

Christmas,

New Year's,

And Labor Day.

All right.

So Gina,

Today we are talking.

We did an episode last week about childhood self-esteem,

And this week we are doing a similar episode.

This is a part two.

And today we are starting off by talking about allowing our children to be who they are and not to push our personal agenda.

So give me an overview on that.

Yeah,

So I wanted to do self-esteem in two parts because there's so much we can talk about.

And some people I know are listening to the podcast and they showed an interest.

So I decided,

OK,

Let's push it.

So the personal agenda thing I thought we could talk about because many parents project on their kids their unfulfilled dreams.

And when I see parents in my consultations,

Often they're actually stressed out because kids aren't doing certain things.

And when you look at it in the end,

It's just because parents want kids to achieve certain milestones,

Whether it's at school,

Personal development,

With other kids,

Sports,

You name it,

Interests.

And when they don't meet those markers,

Parents get freaked out.

They're worried.

What's wrong with my kid or my kid doesn't like this.

What's wrong?

They're scared of the miss out.

So I thought it'd be a good topic because when you see the children,

So not the parents perspective,

But the kids perspective,

It's very stressful for them and it really impacts their self-esteem.

They develop the belief that they're not good enough,

That they're disappointing their parents constantly.

So I often work on that end with parents.

So why is that?

Why do we do that to begin with?

Why do we put our own hopes and ambitions and dreams on our children?

I think part of it is a bit of lack of self-awareness,

But also that's what people do.

If you're still,

Depends how much work you've done on yourself,

If you're still in the rat race of,

I need a house,

A white picket fence,

The car,

2.

5 kids,

By this age,

My three-year-old should be in ballet because people look at externals.

And like I said,

They're markers of success in their opinion.

And yes,

A lot of parents think kids are born a blank slate and we need to shape them like a sculpture the way we want to shape them.

But there's very little control we have in the end over how our kids turn out.

If we want them to be happy and have healthy self-esteem.

So I think many people maybe also live with regrets and they put their hopes into their kids.

There's nothing wrong with that because if your kid has the same interests as you do,

Awesome,

You can encourage them.

But the problem arises if the child doesn't have that talent or the stamina or the dream you have,

Then it can cause some issues in their relationship.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

So do you think that it's bad to have.

.

.

Because in some ways,

You want to expose the child to a litany of things.

You want to give them as much opportunities as possible.

You want to put them in a dance class to see if they like dance.

You want to have them play baseball or softball because you want to see how they like sports.

And you're going to have your natural predispositions to which you think it would be cooler for them to enjoy.

But do you think that giving them a taste of the thing that you love is fine and then it's just about being open to watching where they go with it,

What they want to do?

You know what I mean?

Like if you love dance,

It's totally fine to be like,

Hey,

I think it would be really cute if you and I did the spring dance recital together.

Like I was in this group,

You can be in this group,

Let's do this.

And do it for a year.

But if they hate it,

They don't have to go back.

Is that okay?

I think yes.

I think it's good to expose them.

You want to detach from the outcome basically.

And again,

It depends on the age group.

So you know,

Putting a three year old,

I know because now my daughter is doing dance and I obviously I didn't put her in competitive sports or any intense sports just because of what she'd been through,

But I was also kind of against it because I wanted her to enjoy a life,

You know,

Free play.

You don't have to,

Okay,

Hurry up.

We got to go to dance or this and that.

So I delayed it.

And obviously part of me was worried that she missing out,

But I kept reminding myself,

She's at an age where she needs to play.

The other thing parents might not realize is if a child is meant to be an Olympian,

A professional hockey player,

Basketball,

The kids got talent.

And I was a dancer and I couldn't wait to expose my daughter to it because it's part of my interest and I would dance in the house.

She tried synchronized swimming,

Her dad's a swimmer.

She loved it.

She was good,

But we live in a cold country in the winter and going in a cold pool,

Freezing.

She didn't like that part of it,

Although she was good at it.

So she stopped that.

She did that for a year.

Then I didn't want to put her in ballet because of all the social pressures.

I have friends in it and many girls have eating disorders because the skinny girls get picked,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

So I put her in jazz,

But allowed her in the summer camps to try all kinds of dances.

And she fell in love with ballet.

And the teacher,

So she started ballet,

She was 11.

And the teacher said she's a natural.

She couldn't believe how talented she was.

And they put her,

They offered her a spot in competitive.

So I left it up to her.

I said,

If you want to do competitive,

It's up to you.

I'm not pushing you.

So she,

Basically what her ballet teacher told me,

Who was a pretty good ballerina in Canada,

She also thinks it's a waste of time to put three year olds in ballet,

Four year olds developmentally.

They can't focus.

It's like,

Why not just put them in a free play dance versus the structure of ballet?

Like if you're good,

You're good.

You have the talent.

But like you said,

You want to expose them.

And I think the degree of exposure depends on the age.

I've seen here in Canada,

Hockey is pretty popular.

And you see a lot of parents put their hopes in there.

You know,

He or she is my next professional hockey player in my good pension plan.

And you see them in the rinks.

They go crazy and they scream at the referees.

And I've had little boys,

I've had girl hockey players,

But I've seen it more with the boys when I used to assess them crying.

I don't want to get up at five in the morning.

So they go practice at five in the morning before going to school.

They were exhausted,

But their parents wouldn't hear them.

Now you're going to play hockey.

I think if you make your kids suffer,

It defeats the purpose.

There's no point.

What if he prefers ballet?

And there's also the gender issues.

God forbid a boy dances or a girl plays hockey.

So many parents now are not sexist in that way,

But you still see it.

So parents will try and shape their kids in one direction or the other,

Which infringes on a child's ability to express themselves freely and what they like.

So yeah,

I think in moderation,

Right,

You expose them to a different thing so they can discover what their interests are.

And not be attached to how they turn out,

If they're good or not,

If they like it or not and just observe,

See how they like it.

And I think the less you put pressure on them,

The more the real side of them will show up.

Yeah,

I think,

You know,

From my personal experience,

I was in football from age six to with a gap,

But I was in football from age six to age 15 or 16.

And I played it up until 10th grade.

And then in the spring of 10th grade,

One of the English teachers,

We were doing Fiddler on the Roof,

The school was doing Fiddler on the Roof,

And they need like the Russian army.

And they didn't have a lot of guys in theater.

So she was like,

I'm going to talk to all of my kids that are on the football team,

And I'm going to get them to be my army.

And she convinced one kid who would like do anything.

And he got three of his friends and I was one of them.

And I was like,

I love this.

All of the other kids that were from the football team,

Like were handed parts.

And they were like,

I don't want to read.

I don't want to sing.

And I was like,

I'll take it.

I'll take it.

And then that summer,

And I was like,

I'm doing theater.

Like I wanted to do this play.

And my parents were fine with it.

And then in the summer I was like,

Dad,

I'm not going back to football.

They're doing a play.

And I had so much anticipation of the fact that I needed to rationalize it.

You know what I mean?

I was like,

It looks good on a resume.

It's good for this.

I'm going to be playing Teddy Roosevelt and you love history,

Dad.

You know,

So on and so forth.

And he was like,

No,

It's fine.

Like go do theater.

And I did and I like,

And it was great.

But they allowed me to do what I wanted to do and to,

You know,

And were supportive.

And that made all of that.

I went to,

And then I went to school in New York for theater and I started my own theater company and I'm still doing producing and stuff.

So like,

But that all was because they didn't,

You know,

Try to force me into a narrative that was something other than what I wanted,

Which was nice.

And I loved football,

But I,

You know,

As soon as I,

You know,

I wanted to be in the play in fourth grade,

Not 10th grade.

I wanted to be in fourth grade,

But I was too shy.

So when it was kind of forced on me in 10th grade,

I was like,

Oh,

This is my first opportunity.

I'm going to take this and run with it.

And they were,

And they were always super positive about it,

Which was really nice.

And it allowed you to blossom.

It did.

It did.

Yeah.

And they didn't,

But so that was really awesome.

I think what about when you have something like,

You see this a lot where like athletes have kids that then become athletes in their sport or entrepreneurs have kids that grow up in their,

In the family business or you know,

Like actors or musicians have kids that grow up and they want,

They want to emulate,

Like,

Is it a dangerous situation of like,

Do they want to emulate the parents or is that the only thing that they were ever pushed to do?

Well,

I think if,

I think if you parent with presence and your kid doesn't grow up to be a people pleaser,

Meaning mom or dad will only like me if I'm like them.

If authentically they're like,

Wow,

Daddy or mommy's an actor.

It looks like fun.

I love it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it,

Just like my parents were business owners and I've worked for employers and I'm unemployable.

I work better for myself.

I think like a leader,

An entrepreneur,

I'm not a good follower.

So it's also what you've learned,

What you see,

What you're exposed to,

I think.

So yeah,

I think if the child has the same interests as the parent and if the parent fosters it and doesn't judge it and is truly present and exposes the child to different things,

I don't think there's an issue.

I've heard many actors who discourage their kids from being in the entertainment business.

It's like you could discourage kids,

But in the end it's your choice.

But here are the pitfalls.

Here are the struggles.

In the end,

You do what you want.

Right.

Yeah.

Now,

There's a second aspect that we wanted to talk about today and that one is giving our children a voice and truly listening to what they have to say.

So I guess that it's in line with what we were just talking about,

But when you give them a voice and it's really important to listen,

How do you foster a relationship with the child where they can tell you that you're not listening to them?

Right?

Because I feel like you can get really unconscious with it and shut out the kid and like,

Why is it this way?

Because I said so.

So how do you foster that relationship?

That seems like a tough road to go.

Well,

It's the difference between authoritarian parenting,

So top down because I said so and I draw the line and I don't need to explain to you why I do what I do,

And authoritative parenting where there is the back and forth.

You're still the authority.

You still have the last word on things,

But you're more open to having a conversation that's obviously adapted to the age of the child.

And the way I tell parents is when you make certain choices or you have certain requests,

Explain the reason behind it,

The value behind it,

Because they're more likely to play into what you ask them.

If they understand why they need to do it,

This is why you need to do it this way because there's a certain reason behind it and then it's like,

Oh,

Okay,

It makes sense versus just do it because I said so.

And if you foster a relationship of mutual respect,

So basically treat your child the way you would want to be treated.

So if your child is talking to you,

Just listen.

Don't make assumptions,

Don't finish their thoughts for them,

Don't take things personally,

All the for agreements things,

Concepts,

And you really ask good questions versus try to find answers.

The answers will lie in the questions you ask.

So if they don't like something,

Get in their heads,

Basically be curious,

Ask them,

Oh,

What didn't you like about it versus how come you don't like it?

Every kid likes it,

You just shut it down.

You just said you're not normal,

All the other kids like it.

So if you have open-ended questions without judgment and say,

Oh,

I'm curious,

Tell me more,

Then you get to see it from their point of view.

You get to see things in their world.

So if they don't want to share something,

Instead of right away going,

You need to share,

We need to share,

You can't be selfish.

First go back up and go,

How come when cousin X comes here,

You don't want to share whatever toy?

Well,

Every time cousin X comes here,

He breaks my toys and I really love this toy.

And I don't want him or her to break it.

Oh,

Okay.

Then you see,

It's not even selfishness.

They care for that toy.

So you're like,

Okay,

Let's hide this toy so it doesn't get broken.

Which other toy are you willing to share with your cousin?

So if we would just take a little bit extra time to hear them out and see what things are like in their little world without judging it and without pushing our agenda on,

Well,

You're seven,

You should think this way,

Or,

Oh,

You must feel,

You must say no because you don't want to listen to me.

Well,

Maybe they're saying no for another reason.

So if like what I taught my daughter,

She helps me around,

You know,

Like any kid and I'm like,

If I ask you a favor,

To do me a favor,

You can say no.

Or mommy,

Can I do it later because I'm finishing this thing versus just saying no.

You can say no.

The same way I'll say no to you and explain why I say no,

I won't just say no.

So I think it's really important that we hear what they have to say and really listen,

Not be on your devices while they're talking to you in front of the TV or absent minded.

They know when we listen and they know when we're not listening.

And it makes a huge difference.

And it's no different with our partners,

Our friends.

If we have no eye contact and yeah,

Yeah,

Whatever,

They don't feel heard.

And at some point they close off and they don't want to talk to us.

And that needs to start young if we want them to open up freely when they're teenagers.

At what age do you start this?

From the moment they're born.

I'll give you an example.

I was hanging out with like a nine month old today.

Very,

Very far apart.

He doesn't talk much.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He didn't really say anything.

Yeah,

So here that's how he cried for a second,

But he didn't really talk.

When years,

Years ago before I had my daughter,

There was an Australian woman.

Her last name is Dunstan and she created these DVDs,

Dunstan Baby Language.

And it's really,

I think it's to recognize five different cries of the newborn.

I was blown away and I bought the DVD and I said,

When I'm going to have a baby,

I'm not going to just randomly guess.

And it's amazing how it worked.

And my daughter's needs were constantly immediately appeased because I knew,

Oh,

This is a hunger cry.

This is a cry because they have gas stuck and they need to be burped.

Oh,

This is a cry for pain.

This is a cry for abdominal gas.

So I could hear her.

Each cry meant something different.

And then before language can come out,

Just like,

I don't know about you for a second language,

But it's a lot easier to understand a language than speak it.

So I know in the US,

A lot of people learn Spanish.

Here a lot of people learn French.

And you could,

Like,

If someone speaks Italian,

I understand a million times more than I can speak it.

So it's the same for children.

They understand language better than they can speak it.

So the minute she was at least four months,

I started teaching her sign language.

And I learned that when I learned sign language and I worked with the deaf population.

And I learned that from the age of six months,

Babies could communicate with their parents.

I was blown away again.

And I said,

When I'm going to have a kid,

I'm not going to wait till they're two and can speak.

I will teach her the signs.

And that's how she communicated with me.

She couldn't speak,

But it's easier to do the signs with your hands.

So it starts with the cries and their body language.

Then you evolve with sign language if you want to learn it.

And then paying attention.

You can tell if,

You know,

If your child's a year and a half,

If they're not hungry,

I've seen parents shove the spoon in the mouth and trick.

And then the baby freaks out and they're like,

What's wrong with them?

Well,

How would you like if you close your mouth and I would shove a spoon full of food in your face?

And they're people too.

There's a reason why they're turning their heads.

So we can listen,

Even if there are no words,

Because it shows in their bodies,

It shows in their faces.

And I don't know if you've noticed,

But since we're all wearing masks,

I'm noticing I'm having people repeat.

Sorry.

Because I'm noticing I'm missing all the information from the facial expressions.

And when we work with deaf people,

I don't know if you noticed,

But they say the words with their mouth.

And when I worked with them,

What fascinated me is most of the language they understand is through the face.

The signs are a bit like for us,

The tone.

The main communication is the face more than the fingers.

So we can do the same with children.

We don't realize it,

But the facial expressions and the body language closed up,

Opened up is where most of our language is communicated.

I think 85% of communication is nonverbal and only 15% is the message is said across words,

Using words.

So vocabulary is not completely necessary to be able to listen.

That's a beautiful,

I'm glad that I asked that question because that was a beautiful segment of this episode.

Is there anything else that you want to touch on about childhood self-esteem and giving your child a voice before we start to wrap up?

Well,

I think if there's anything,

The greatest gift we can give children,

The greatest superpower we can give a child is self-esteem because self-esteem is the foundation to success everywhere at work,

In your relationship,

How you treat your own body,

How you treat your own mind,

How you treat other people.

When people have healthy self-esteem,

It impacts the rest of their lives,

Their worthiness,

How they deal with money.

So if you learn one thing as a parent is learn how to foster healthy self-esteem.

Awesome.

So we end every episode with a moment of gratitude,

Dr.

Gina,

Can you tell us why we do that?

Because when all else fails,

There's always something to be grateful for.

And when we realize what we're grateful for,

We see our life in the end is pretty amazing.

That is a beautiful sentiment.

All right.

I guess I have to go first this week because Crystal is not here.

All right.

I am grateful today for my yard.

We sat outside on the front.

We live on a dead end and there's nothing in front of us except for woods and a road.

There's literally a dead end and we're the only house on it,

Which is awesome.

So we sat out in the front and hung out with some friends at a very far distance with best son and stuff.

But it was really awesome because I hadn't met.

They had a baby like Christmas and I hadn't met the baby yet and I got to wave hi and stuff today.

And then now,

Even at like I thought right before we started this about how the sun is getting lower earlier and I'm probably not going to be out here for the six o'clock show.

It's very much longer.

But it's really nice and it's like cool breeze and I really appreciate it.

And I just really enjoy the yard and the property from this new house that we're at.

So that's what I'm grateful for today.

What are you grateful for,

Gina?

I thought of it today.

I'm grateful for unanswered prayers.

I'm not going to go into details,

But I realized I was just listening to a podcast with Caroline Mays and it got me thinking of stuff.

And you know how sometimes we wish for certain things and they don't turn out the way we wanted.

And I was looking back on many,

Many times where my prayers weren't answered and in the end it was a blessing because something better came up.

So I'm grateful for unanswered prayers.

Yeah,

Me too.

That's a great one.

I love that.

No,

It reminded me of a story.

Last year I was at a hometown football game and I ran into this.

That's the song.

I'm just reading the lyrics to the song.

I would play the song,

But we would get kicked off the internet.

All right.

So Gina,

Where can people find you if they want to reach out for coaching services or they have questions or anything like that?

Dr.

Gina.

Ca and dr.

Madriguerno.

Com.

Awesome.

Thank you so much,

Gina.

I hope that you had a wonderful Labor Day.

And obviously my mom just sent me a text that said she's grateful for her wonderful son.

Say hi to your mom for me.

She is watching.

Hi mom.

Hi Ben's mom.

All right.

Thanks guys.

We'll see you next week.

Again,

If you're listening to this later on Inside Timer or on the podcast,

Check out the live episodes every Monday at 6 PM Eastern time.

Maybe Crystal can't be here today,

So I'll say bye for her.

Bye Gina.

Thank you so much.

Thanks Ben.

Bye.

For more information or to book an appointment with Dr.

Gina,

Go to drmadriguerno.

Com or click the link in the description of this episode.