How To Spot Narcissistic Abuse

Turn your power on with the Turn Yourself On podcast so you remember who you are.

I'm Marina Jay and I'm a number one best-selling author,

Psychic life coach and speaker who has helped thousands of people for over 24 years heal their life back to fabulous because you are fabulous.

Together we're going to talk shadow work,

Emotional and metaphysical healing and all things ascension.

You can reach me at marinaj.

Net for my coaching,

Courses and my number one best-selling book Turn Yourself On.

Are you ready to turn yourself on?

Let's begin.

Hello beautiful soul.

How are you feeling right now?

How are you doing?

So today we are talking about narcissistic abuse and if you think about it,

The way that I always describe a narcissist is that they're like a dementor out of the Harry Potter books.

They literally will come and suck the life out of you because narcissists are hollow.

They actually don't know how to generate their own energy.

So for them to get real energy from nature,

From anything,

It's never enough.

So and you'll know that you were the narcissist because it's never enough.

Whatever you do is never enough.

They're not going to get energy like you where you'll go and you'll get it from art or nature or being at the beach or just with being with friends,

But you're not sucking it from them.

With a narcissist,

They don't take it from natural sources.

They won't get their energy from God,

From their higher selves,

From angels,

From anything cosmic.

They will get it from you.

It's almost like they see you as the light.

And so for them,

It's a lot quicker and easier to get it.

So that's how I describe narcissists like dementors.

And if you think about it,

You and I,

We've been on the end of global narcissistic abuse for the past year.

And so no wonder we're exhausted.

I always liken being on the end of narcissistic abuse as a little like sitting on the end of your bed,

Just staring blankly at a wall.

And you've got no energy to invest in yourself.

You've got no energy,

No kind of get up and go to go and do something.

You're literally sucked dry.

So if you're feeling tired right now,

You're exhausted.

There's a weariness about you.

No wonder.

And so this podcast,

We're going to talk about what narcissistic abuse can feel like.

And global narcissistic abuse and how also might pertain to your business,

Particularly if you find that you're somebody that gives out a lot of energy,

But are not getting much back.

And you might be finding that in relationships,

You might be finding that maybe you've cleared and healed that in relationships,

Maybe it's showing up for you now in business,

You're putting out really great stuff,

And you're not getting stuff back,

You're not getting it reciprocated to you.

So look,

This podcast could probably be at least two or three days long.

I teach and help and specialize in narcissistic abuse.

So I'm not going to be able to cover everything in this podcast.

But what I do want this podcast to do is give you some energy back.

Because being on the end of it,

Whether it's showing up in your business right now,

Whether it's showing up in your personal relationships right now,

Or you've cleared all of it,

But you're on the end of global narcissistic abuse,

It's fucking exhausting.

And it can slow down your ability to manifest to create to really stand fully in your whole power because it's so draining to be around.

So let's talk about narcissistic abuse.

And I'm going to alternate the word narcissistic with knocks.

It's not derogatory.

It's just easier and quicker.

I always think that narcissistic the actual word itself is like the perfect word because it takes energy to say it's exhausting to say it,

To spell it to get it right.

It's like the perfect word for it really.

So if you've experienced narcissistic abuse in your life,

And I think most of us have,

I've had a lot.

I've had a lot.

I think that from a lot of us,

We've cleared and healed it.

You might be going through it now.

You might be on the tail end of it.

But I want to,

As I'm talking,

Really look and see where this is maybe still showing up for you.

Because even if you've cleared and healed it,

You might still be running a narcissistic template somewhere in you that's still happening in your business,

Or it's still happening with your health,

Or it's still happening in certain areas of your life.

So the way that I help my clients is we don't really talk about what they are.

It's not so much about what they do.

It's actually about your responses,

Your reactions.

So when a client comes in,

I can pretty much clock straight away if they've had narcissistic abuse because of the way they talk to me,

The way they try and manage the conversation.

They usually are very lovely,

Very sweet,

Very concerned about what I might think of them.

There's just lots of telltale signs.

And they usually have their whole lives.

They'll be energy generators,

And they'll say things like they haven't had many reciprocal relationships.

So you probably can relate to this.

Would you say that you have had a lot of one-sided relationships where it feels like you give out a lot,

But you don't get much back?

I was talking to,

I remember speaking to a particular healer,

And she said to me,

I said this to her,

I said,

Look,

I'm always giving out energy and I don't get it back.

And she said,

Marina,

Why can't you just give freely in the moment?

You're thinking about already getting it back.

And I said,

I'm not actually.

I said,

In the moment,

I'm always just freely giving.

I never think about it.

And then,

And I didn't really know how to answer her because I felt like maybe I was being really spoiled somehow,

But it didn't sit right with me.

And then I remember speaking to a really beautiful friend of mine,

And she said to me,

No,

No,

No,

She said,

You just give,

Don't you?

It's only afterwards when you look back that you become disappointed because you're like,

Oh,

Then when I went to you for help,

You didn't give it to me.

And I'm like,

Yeah,

That's exactly how it feels.

I've always wanted it to be reciprocal,

But very rarely have I actually got back what I've given out.

Now,

I might get it back from the universe in a different way,

And I know that I have,

But I have very rarely gotten it back from that actual same person that I've helped.

So that's left me heartbroken over the years.

But obviously,

For a lot of us,

We grew up experiencing one-sided relationships.

It may have been with friends of yours.

It might have been family.

It might have been extended family.

It's surprisingly common,

Especially if you identify yourself as empathic,

Right?

Or just a very sensitive human being.

So narcissists,

You know that you're dealing with a narcissist if they blame you or they play the victim.

So if you hold the truth up to them and they attack you,

They will blame you,

Or they'll start crying,

Which is also known as crocodile tears,

Or they'll just,

They'll act the victim.

That's a huge red flag,

Right?

If they make you feel guilty,

If they get angry very quickly when you tell the truth,

Right?

Do they get angry very quickly if you tell the truth?

And maybe they start accusing you of doing the same thing and you're like,

Yeah,

But that happened two weeks ago.

I'm talking about this now.

But they're always evading.

Are they very evasive when you try and say something to them?

Do they punish you for not being compliant?

That's another red flag.

If you are not saying yes to them,

You know,

I always say with narcissists,

Look at who you cannot say no to,

Who do you get frightened around when you go,

Shit,

I can't say no,

I can't upset them.

That's another red flag,

Right?

Because you should be able to say no to everybody whenever you need to,

Right?

Or who is it dangerous for you to be self differentiated around,

Which means that you have a difference of opinion.

You have a different need to them.

You have maybe a different timing to them.

Your values are different.

What you're interested in is different.

And in narcissistic relationships,

You find that you are pretty much doing 80%.

I call it the 80 20 split.

You're basically doing 80% of the work.

You're coming to them for them.

You are processing information for them,

Processing their feelings for them.

It's all about them.

And with narcissists,

Again,

It's never enough.

I'll tell you something really interesting.

I remember this was my first conscious wake up call of narcissistic abuse.

Now I've encountered narcissistic abuse for most of my life.

I know a lot of you listening have as well,

But this was the first time I woke up to it.

Before then I was always making excuses for people,

Right?

Anyway,

I was in the car and it was a girlfriend of mine and we were driving down to Sydney and my daughter was in the back seat and she would have been 14 at the time.

And it was like a two hour trip down to Sydney and a two hour trip back.

And down there,

My girlfriend and I were talking,

Did what we needed to do in Sydney.

And then we drove back and my girlfriend left the car for a moment.

I think she was filling up with petrol.

And my daughter said,

Mum,

Would you say that Sarah is your best friend?

And I said,

Yeah.

And she said,

It's just that all the way down and all the way up,

She only talked about herself.

And I said,

I know darling,

But she's got a lot going on in her life.

Oh,

She said,

She always seems like she's got a lot going on in her life.

I just looked at my daughter and I just thought,

Do you know what?

You're so right.

You're so right.

And I started to wake up.

So a narcissist is me first,

Right?

A narcissist is me first.

They always come first.

An empath,

Right?

Or somebody that's having to have this lesson is in agreement with a narcissist.

Yes,

It's you first.

It's me second.

It's you first narcissist.

So it's a match.

And so the narcissist and the empath come together because it's an initiation for both of them.

And so for the empath,

It's an initiation to say,

Actually me first.

And it's for the narcissist to actually say,

To have as much empathy,

To learn empathy and say to the empath,

Yes,

It's you first.

Because in any reciprocal relationship,

There has to be reciprocation.

Sometimes it's me first,

Sometimes it's you first,

Sometimes it's both of us first,

And sometimes it's neither of us first,

Right?

It doesn't have to be an either or,

But you'll find in these narcissistic relationships,

It's very one-sided.

One person says it's me first and the other one just completely agrees all the time.

So you know you're dealing with a narcissist as well if they are callous with your feelings,

But oh so sensitive about how you affect them.

And conversations or arguments or discussions are always about not what they did,

It's about how you're affecting them,

Right?

Because of you,

I feel this.

Because of what you did,

I'm doing that now.

Ever noticed that?

It's all about how you affect them.

And they often lie,

They cheat,

And then when you ask them,

They'll evade you.

I don't know,

They'll say,

I don't know,

I forgot,

Right?

They're often cold and dismissive with one person,

It's the person they're choosing to feed off,

Right?

That dementor,

I want your energy,

But with everybody else,

They're just gorgeous and lovely,

Which can make you feel like you're going utterly mad.

And I remember when I was going through this initiation,

Wanting to go to the company where she worked,

And I felt like shaking everybody around her to wake the fuck up,

Because they were all actually getting it as well on various levels.

Not every single one of them,

But I would say about 90%.

She was just sucking everybody dry.

And the other part with narcissists is often they will then come back and be really lovely to you,

And you're like,

What?

Because they want something.

And remembering that at the beginning,

Narcissists will love bomb you,

They will literally mirror you in the beginning,

They're very clever.

So with me and this girlfriend,

I remember she asked a heck of a lot of questions right at the beginning.

And she did a couple of things and I was like,

Doesn't feel good.

But I overrode my feeling.

I went,

You know what?

She needs me.

You know what?

She needs help.

And yeah,

Just as my daughter said,

She always needs something.

And so after that initial phase,

When they mirror you,

It feels like they're the best person ever,

Because they feel like you finally found your person.

And what you don't realize is that you're not in a relationship with them in the beginning.

It feels like you are,

Right?

You've never been in a relationship with them.

They don't know how to be in a relationship.

If they did,

They would care for you.

They would have empathy for you,

Right?

If you're with somebody and they're not saying sorry,

They're not taking responsibility for what they did or said.

They are not invested in your dreams.

They are,

It's almost like they will not say thank you very often.

It will just be expected what you do for them.

You know,

I mean,

I could give you a million examples.

I've had so much experience with all of this.

It's just nuts.

And I'm sure you have too,

Right?

So it's very interesting when you look at your responses to a narcissist.

So my number one thing is if you ever want to see somebody and you go,

Mm-hmm,

And I'm not into labels,

Right?

I'm not into sort of saying,

Oh,

You're this,

You're that.

It's not about being superior.

It's not about making unqualified confirmations on people's characters,

But there are some very obvious traits.

The biggest thing I look at is your responses because that tells me everything I need to know and for myself,

Right?

I already know.

So it's like,

Am I walking on eggshells around you?

These people have very fragile egos.

They need the massage often.

They cannot hear anything bad or constructive about them.

They will fly off the handle and they will go into full on attack.

If you've been a victim of narcissistic abuse,

I have a lot of clients that will come to me and say,

I have anxiety.

I am an anxious person.

Well,

If you've listened to last week's podcast,

You'll know that my,

The way I look at,

I think that anxiety is that anxiety is a culmination of unprocessed feelings,

Right?

It's feelings,

It's hurt,

It's wounds that haven't been processed,

Right?

And it just like a backlog that just backs up.

So when a client comes to me and they have anxiousness,

One of the things that I just keep an eye out for is if they've been in a lot of one side relationships,

Have they had narcissistic abuse because often what that anxiety is,

Is the unprocessed trauma from these incredibly toxic relationships that often are not recognized for being narcissistic.

They're normalized,

Right?

So I know that I used to normalize it.

So if we don't heal our childhood wounds,

We then attract other people that will come and be the original narcissist in our life from when we were a kid.

And so for me,

This girlfriend was exactly that.

It's like,

Well,

Who does she become?

Right?

And so if I can heal it with her,

Then I can heal the original wound.

But for so many of us growing up,

It just became so normalized that we then walk around with almost this narcissistic template,

Just assuming it's going to be an 80 20 split.

And so it ends up that we find relationships exhausting.

And I remember when I met Paul thinking,

I don't have time for a guy.

Like I literally I'm a single mom.

I'm starting up Marina J,

My business.

I'm also creating my yoga and sportswear.

I was doing lots of sampling for a year.

And if you don't know that I used to I created and designed my own yoga and sportswear.

I built bra and I was just really gave me a lot of joy to do because I'm a yoga instructor.

I've taught for 24 years.

So and I just couldn't find what I like to wear.

And I had a part time job,

Obviously,

And single mom.

I had no no support.

So when he came along,

I'm like,

I don't really have time for you babes,

Because my experience was that people took energy from me.

They didn't actually give it to me.

I gave energy to them.

But I didn't get it back.

So relationships for me kind of took away from me.

And he was the first man that ever came into my life that just added to me.

And so that's why I kept saying yes to him because I really liked him as a person.

I really enjoyed being with him.

But I also wasn't exhausted after our interactions.

Major.

Major.

Major.

Major.

And I'd cleared and healed the narcissistic template I had running with men so that by the time I met him,

I could recognize that he was not going to be like the others.

I didn't know about narcissistic abuse,

Really.

I knew the word narcissistic abuse,

But I didn't really apply it to my own life.

But I'd cleared and healed enough for my own life using shadow work with men that I could just let him straight into my life because he wasn't hurting me like the others.

He wasn't exhausting me like the others.

I'm not saying that all of them did,

But I'd never genuinely had somebody add to me in every single interaction.

I mean,

I just didn't have that.

It was out of my realm of expectation.

So for so many of us that have grown up with narcissistic abuse,

We sort of walk around just not really getting our needs met.

OK.

And no wonder then that we often go slower in manifesting.

Because we would often rather be on our own,

Wouldn't we,

Than with people because our experience of being with people hasn't been so great.

Often,

You know,

If you feel like it's you're shouting to be heard,

Like no matter how reasonable you are or how logical you are or how clear you are that they've hurt you or they've done wrong by you or something's not OK or you're calling a boundary.

Right.

You still find yourself having to explain yourself,

Defend yourself.

Right.

They don't hear you.

They don't see you.

They end up doing word salad.

They kind of turn everything around on you and you walk out of that conversation thinking what just happened?

Like seriously,

What just happened?

I call it the washing machine.

It's like you get tumbled round and round and round and round and round and round.

And I know with this this girlfriend of mine,

I kind of weaned her off me and because she was she just wanted me for what she could get.

You know,

Classic narcissistic thing,

A way to also figure it out is you coming at me for me or you coming at me for you.

It's always you,

Isn't it?

It's always you and what you need and what you want.

Can't really blame and resent you because I obviously need this to get me back into balance.

And that's what narcissistic abuse teaches us.

It teaches the empath to get back into balance.

Right.

To stop over giving as a way of avoiding rejection or staying safe or whatever the childhood patterns were.

And it teaches the narcissist to think outside of themselves,

To go outside of themselves and help another human being genuinely.

I don't take narcissistic people into my practice at all.

I've taken them on a very small handful of times in order to assist a couple in separating,

For example.

So I've seen both sides to make it a smooth run for them both or in order to help if they've got children that are going into hospital in order just to sort of just to basically get more cohesion to help the family structure.

But I've never coached a narcissistic person to release their narcissistic abuse simply because they don't believe they're responsible for their actions ever.

Right.

They're going to blame the world.

So if you don't think that you've got anything to do with it,

Why would I waste my time coaching you?

I'm not even going to bother.

And I remember when I was in Australia,

This woman was driving me to some training that we were doing.

And I didn't know her,

But a friend of mine said,

Look,

This woman I know is going in the same direction she can drive you.

Oh,

Fucking hell.

Longest two hour drive of my life.

She started the conversation off telling me how she used to be a narcissist.

I was like,

She didn't know who I am.

She didn't ask me anything about me.

Right.

So she started telling me how she used to be a narcissist and then told me how she was now a reformed narcissist.

Right.

And I just listened intently.

She talked for two hours straight.

Hey,

Didn't ask me one question.

And it was all about how she should be admired and revered because she was one of the few that had made it and she was now coaching in it.

Oh my God.

I wanted to like claw my way out of that car.

I was like,

Get me out.

It was really hard.

And then she was meant to drive me back.

And I did a clearing process on myself,

Some shadow work.

So I vibrated her out and it just turned out that it didn't happen.

And I took the train back.

Oh my goddess.

So often you can feel nervous around a narcissist because you know that they're not really there for you.

They're there to protect their idea of themselves.

They're there to take from you to get from you.

And so often empaths are there to help others.

So you can see how the jigsaw puzzle matches.

And I remember this girlfriend of mine back in 2014,

When I weaned her off me,

She said to me,

All right,

Darling,

Let's have a conversation.

Let's have a chat.

And I remember thinking,

You must be joking.

We're not talking because even though I understand about narcissistic abuse now,

Because I started like looking at it all and I ended up training in it,

I remember thinking it wasn't 2014 by that time.

It was later.

I think it was like a year later or something like that.

And I remember thinking I will come out worse.

I'm literally going to come out disheveled.

You're still going to get the better of me,

Which is why I think narcissists make such great barristers and lawyers,

Because they can literally flip anything around on you.

If they're defending somebody that you might think is guilty,

They're so clever.

They can turn the tables.

They're absolutely brilliant.

And I remember thinking it's a real fucking skill,

But you're all right.

I'm not doing that.

No way.

Because I'd seen what she did to other friends.

And I thought,

I'm not going into that washing machine because I will come out worse.

Even with my knowledge,

I'm going to start hearing your voice.

It's going to make more sense than mine.

So often there's exhaustion,

Right?

Often you lose your spark.

You hear their voice instead of your voice.

The light goes out of your eyes.

And again,

With global narcissistic abuse,

Very similar,

Right?

We're exhausted.

We've been blamed.

We have been asked to sort of been divide and conquer.

They want us to snitch on our neighbors,

Which gladly,

My God,

I'm loving living in Brighton.

I will say that Brighton has been just such a godsend at this time.

I absolutely love living here.

It's been so beautiful.

People here are really in their hearts.

They're really in their bodies.

They really,

They know how to love unconditionally.

It's a relief to be here actually.

It feels like it really fits my soul.

And they're awake here as well,

Which is another huge thing that they are actually awake.

They're not just taking in from the authorities of what to think and how to think and just regurgitating that.

They're actually thinking for themselves as critical thinking here.

And that actually makes me feel much safer than I certainly would where I used to live and what have you.

So when you have had global narcissistic abuse,

Which we all have,

Right?

I mean,

God,

What are we now in the UK?

Third month of lockdown.

But really in the past year,

It's been like six months.

Like seriously,

What the fuck is that?

For me personally,

It doesn't make sense to me,

Right?

It really doesn't make the way that they've dealt with it does not make any sense to me at all,

Right?

What it has been doing is sucking people dry.

And that's not okay with me because I've seen it a million times.

So for so many of us,

Particularly the light workers amongst us,

We've experienced narcissistic abuse,

Particularly between 2012 and 2019.

Not that we've experienced it.

We've woken up from it.

We've woken up from the trance that it had us under so that now we can help others break out of the trance they might be in around the global narcissistic abuse.

And I always say with narcissistic abuse,

Particularly the global kind,

Don't fear their growth.

Focus on your growth.

Like don't fear what they're doing next.

Don't fear what they're going to do.

Focus on your growth.

Whenever I coach somebody in narcissistic abuse,

They'll always say to me,

I don't know,

Like month three,

Month two,

Month three,

They start to feel really good,

Like better than they have in their whole life because they're shedding the crap.

They're shedding the shit.

And they're beginning to get their energy back.

And they say to me,

But how come I'm doing all this healing,

Right?

And her or he or them,

They're fucking thriving.

They just got like a huge wage increase and they just got a promotion and they got a new wife,

Boyfriend,

Or a new girlfriend or whatever,

Right?

And their life always looks like it's going on the up.

And I always say to them,

Keep going,

Right?

I don't know what it is about narcissistic abuse takes around a year,

Right?

And in that year,

If you've been doing the work,

Which basically means if you've been spending time with yourself,

Processing your emotions,

Feeling,

Letting go,

Releasing,

Healing,

Whatever you need to do in the way that you do it,

Right?

It's with perfect for you.

Then by the end of the year,

Particularly if you understand how to heal yourself from narcissistic abuse,

You will be on the up.

So all my clients internally feel incredible.

And then by about a year,

Because not cystic abuse is massive,

Takes longer to heal from that than other kinds of issues.

Okay.

Cause it's such a mind fuck.

Let's be honest.

Their outside life starts to take off after a year.

And what's interesting is the narcissist's life starts to do a big fucking nose dive.

And if they've,

If they're surrounded by enablers,

Right?

Those enablers are going to start to feel sorry for them and might want to try and pull you back in to go,

Oh,

But,

But he's not,

He's,

You know,

You should look after him or you should look after her or whatever.

It's like,

Yeah,

Now you're all right.

I've seen it a million times before.

So we're at the end of this year now.

So remember me talking that the beginning of the actual year starts March the 21st.

It's not January the first I talked about this on another podcast.

I'm not going to run through it again.

So that means the end of this year is March the 20th.

So Hey,

We've got just over two more weeks to go of getting rid of the last remnants.

So I know the exhaustion is here for so many of us.

And those of you that are in countries that are outwardly a lot freer for those of you that are awake,

You will be feeling an internal exhaustion.

And I love it.

I was listening to Tim Wilde the other day and he called it a soul exhaustion.

Couldn't not have put it better myself.

That's such a great way of putting it.

Soul exhaustion.

So you'll be feeling it.

And I know I've got friends in Australia and they're absolutely feeling the exhaustion.

So this is global narcissistic abuse.

So many of us have healed it in our personal lives.

But I have a question for you.

If we can't fix narcs,

Because we can't,

Because a narc is like,

Hey,

It's nothing to fix.

Fucking fap.

Because their way works for them.

It actually works.

They go through people like you wouldn't believe because once they've sucked you dry,

They're going to discard you.

And go for somewhere else.

And I always say the minute a narcissist doesn't like you is the biggest compliment because it means you're doing something right.

So if you right now have been rejected,

Disliked,

Discarded as if you're a piece of rubbish,

Not like a turn back to you,

None of that,

You just like nothing to them.

Just hug yourself right now.

Wrap those arms around yourself and just give yourself a gorgeous hug because it literally means you're doing something right.

If a narcissist likes you,

That's a red flag.

That means on some level you're still feeding them.

So with narcissists,

It's an energy grab,

Right?

In any normal,

Natural interchange between two people,

There's going to be an energy exchange,

Right?

With a narcissist,

There is no energy exchange.

They're going to just grab and take yours.

That's it.

They just want yours and they'll do whatever it takes to pull your attention away from you and onto them.

Because as soon as your attention is onto them,

They're feeding off that.

They're literally harvesting your energy.

I don't mean to make you feel all icky,

But that is actually what it is.

It's an energy grab.

So I remember so many times being with narcissists and it's always about them.

And they're very good at looking after themselves.

If you look at a narcissist's life,

If we look at the global narcs as well at the same time,

They're doing well.

I mean,

They've got houses,

They've got money,

They have support.

You often find around narcs,

Lots of very nice,

Well-meaning people have yet to wake up yet,

Right?

That's their initiation,

But they are feeding the narc.

So you often have very nice people around the narcissist.

The great thing is,

Is once you've healed yourself from needing to have a narcissistic relationship,

Because don't forget,

A narcissistic relationship is for you to put yourself first.

It's for you to give to yourself first.

It's for you to balance yourself up,

Right?

Then you literally are,

You're free.

You're literally free.

Once you learn how to heal from narcissistic abuse,

You're free.

You no longer attract them.

I actually repel them now.

I vibrate them out of my life.

I've vibrated them out,

Right?

And it can feel lonely for a while once you've done that.

But the beautiful thing is,

Is once you don't need the lesson anymore,

It ends.

And the people that will come in will see you.

They will hear you and you will feel energized afterwards.

Like I've got a gorgeous new friend,

Right?

In Brighton.

And,

And he's so beautiful.

And he said to me just recently,

He said,

I've never really had this before.

He said,

I feel like I feel so energized after I finished talking to you.

Now I'm so used to hearing that from people,

Right?

So for me,

It's like,

Yeah,

Okay,

Great.

It's usually a red flag for me,

Right?

But on this occasion,

I'm like,

I felt the same.

I literally felt like a million dollars.

And that's when you know that you're no longer needing the lesson because you're looking after yourself within that interaction.

So the way that I yield from narcissistic abuse with my clients and what have you,

We do subconscious processes.

It's quite a few things that we do,

Right?

Cause it's a,

It's a huge thing.

Anybody that hasn't experienced it,

Doesn't really understand it.

There's a funny meme I've seen here and there.

And it said,

It says me explaining narcissistic abuse to somebody who doesn't know what it is.

And behind him is like Einstein's board of relativity or something.

And it's like all these fractions and crazy theories all written on a board and arrows going everywhere,

Like a million of things going on at once.

And it's like,

Yes,

Like I'm truncating narcissistic abuse into a short period of time with you guys.

Right?

So that,

Yeah,

Just,

Just because I could be here for days on end,

But basically with narcissistic abuse,

The way that I heal it with my clients is we do a lot of clearing and healing,

A lot of subconscious healing.

And we start to,

They start to become the people that they really were before the narcissistic abuse happened in the first place.

So who you were before it started to wear you down,

Perhaps you were three,

Her,

Him,

Right?

And what happens is the anxiety just goes,

Completely just goes because you're clearing and healing.

The anxiety is not the issue.

The anxiety has become the symptom of unprocessed trauma.

So remember with narcissists,

Right?

You can't fix them.

They blame the world.

So they're never responsible,

Right?

So they can never heal,

Right?

Therefore you can't make this better for them.

You can't,

They're always going to need something.

And if you knew that they were never going to change,

What would you do?

The only way to really be free of a narcissist is to actually have no contact with them because their only intent is to have your energy.

And you can't have a relationship with somebody that has a different intent than you.

If you're in a relationship to love and share and they're in the relationship to get and have,

It's never going to work.

I always say to people that have been around narcissists,

And again,

You know,

We're around this global narc stuff that's going on.

Can you make this better for you?

We can't give them what they need because it's a bottomless pit,

Right?

The global narcs just want power.

They want to rule.

They want to own all of that.

Great.

Enjoy that.

Good luck with that,

Right?

That's not where the world's going,

Even though that's where you want the world to go.

But how can you bring the energy back?

So rather than it being about the narc,

And again,

When I coach clients,

It's very important for them to hear themselves be validated because so much of their lives they've been gaslit,

Right?

And gaslighting is where somebody is denying your reality,

Right?

It's important for them to talk it out and talk it out and talk it out,

Right?

Because they have to.

They have to.

They're putting on such injustice that's happening to them.

But of course,

The injustice began when they started to ingest that pattern that began in the outside of them,

Perhaps as children,

And they decided that that was the best way to be.

And so they got into agreement with the narc and then said,

Yes,

I will invest in you,

But not me.

I will look at you,

But not me.

I will connect to you,

But disconnect to me and my needs.

So can you invest in you?

Are you willing to stay connected to yourself whilst you're talking to somebody else?

You can connect to them,

But stay connected to yourself,

Right?

And I always say a great way of like breaking the hold they have over you.

Like let's just say you're on the phone to your mother-in-law and let's just say that she's not in the relationship with you for you.

She's in it because she wants to be queen bee.

If you come off the call and you're just exhausted,

Can you break that trance,

The narc trance that you're in and just throw your arms around yourself and just hug yourself?

That's enough for you to begin going back in rather than your energy continuing to dissipate and leave you outwards.

So it's a difference when you're with a narc is can you go in rather than get sucked out towards them?

So my whole life I would always be very outward focused.

I mean,

I still am.

Like even with this podcast,

You know,

I'm always like,

How are you?

How are you?

I just really want to know how you are and I'm not really into talking a lot about myself unless it's of help.

So with my clients,

For example,

I'll give them examples and I literally,

I will,

But I'm watching them,

I'm telling them about,

You know,

Examples,

But I'm waiting until I can feel that their cogs have shifted so that the information's dropped in.

So I'm very purpose driven with that.

It's not a vanity thing to talk about myself,

But I don't do it a lot.

And I see a lot of people like in the mental health area,

They talk a lot about themselves and their experiences.

And whilst I think that that's part of it,

I would love to see more professionals focused on the other person.

Now then you get someone like me,

Who's done it too much,

Not when I'm in a session with a client,

That's completely different,

Right?

It has to be.

Or when I'm,

You know,

Taking a masterclass or,

You know,

Teaching something,

Whatever,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

But for a lot of us where we were really only accepted if we lived outside of ourselves and we cared for others more than ourselves and we sacrificed ourselves to help other people.

And it was really about people pleasing.

Now although that came also for us to make ourselves feel safe,

For a lot of us doing that,

Where might that still be showing up for you?

So a great way to look at your life is where does it still feel uneven?

Take a look,

If you run a business or you work in a job,

Do you feel like you're giving more than you're getting back?

If that's the case,

You might be running this NARC template in your body still,

Right?

So maybe you've cleared it in relationships,

But maybe it's still showing up in business.

So for me,

I think that it is,

I'm going to talk about me now,

But again,

It's to help you,

Right?

For me,

I've,

I mean,

I'll get feedback from clients or emails and they'll thank me for saving their life.

And some of them have been suicidal.

Some of them just haven't really lived until they've actually healed and they realise what did I do for the first 30,

40,

50,

60 years of my life?

And I know that the work I do,

The stuff that comes in it,

It's just,

It has an impact on the people that I help.

And I'm really,

Yeah,

I'm really grateful for that.

But what's interesting for me is that a lot of these people are so beautiful,

But they won't write a testimonial.

They don't want to put their name out there,

Or even if it's just their initials,

They don't want to put it out there,

Which is fine.

But I noticed that other people in business,

They are the life coaches will get a lot more back.

And it's something that I've been aware of.

I'm like,

I still think I'm running a knock template in my business.

Not that they are narcissists far from it.

I would say 99% of my clients are empaths and probably 0.

1% are just normal human beings.

And of course,

Being an empath,

I'm always about turning the volume down on that anyway,

So that you stop absorbing crap from the outside world and choose to absorb from your higher self,

For example,

Or choose to absorb from nature,

But not actually people's energy.

Anyway,

That's another topic for another time.

Yeah,

So it's like if I'm walking around almost with this old engine still running in me,

Where I'm still doing maybe 80% or there's some energy that's billowing out from me where people go,

Oh,

That's cool.

I got what I needed.

Excellent.

Wonderful.

But I won't kind of say as much out publicly or I won't comment so much and I won't do as much,

But I'll write to her privately and tell her,

Right?

I'm the queen of that.

People will say to me,

You're my best kept secret.

I don't tell anybody about you.

I'm like,

No,

Tell them about me because my job here is to impact as many people as possible.

So if you're finding,

Let's say in your business,

Are you finding that you have or you are giving more than you're receiving and is it exhausting you?

Are you weary?

Are you so weary it's hard for you then to create.

It's almost like peeking yourself up off the floor to create.

And yet you will be giving so much value to other people and they'll always be saying that to you.

I mean,

You know,

I've always been aware that when I've coached people,

Like I remember there was one beautiful woman and she came in and she's like,

I got more out of this first session than I have 10 years of therapy.

And she was seeing a therapist on Harley street.

And that's not to say that I am better than anybody,

But it means that I know I'm a heavy hitter.

I know I'm often the last hope for a lot of people.

People come to me for not being the last hope.

Right.

But I know I'm really good at what I do.

I love it.

But what's interesting is that I haven't had very many people.

If you look at my social media,

I don't have many people that are really on my social media that really say very much on it.

They might like stuff,

But it goes largely uncelebrated.

Now I don't,

I don't kind of focus on that,

But when I kind of take a big step back and I look at it,

I go,

Am I silently still sending out signals that say,

Yeah,

Don't,

Don't do anything with my stuff,

But give somebody else all of your energy or give somebody else the comments,

But don't bother with mine.

Am I still kind of almost got the invisibility cloak over me that says I will give you energy,

But you don't have to give it back to me.

Like is it still,

Am I still running something that's non-reciprocal?

I wouldn't mind,

You know,

If I was crap at what I did,

Like,

Like say,

I mean,

I always say,

Don't I,

If I was an accountant,

I'd be in jail by now if I was an accountant,

Right?

I'm so,

I can't count,

Literally,

I can't count.

It makes me feel better just even saying that because as a child,

I literally felt like there's something wrong with me.

And now I'm like,

No,

It's just not your thing.

It's all good.

But if I was an accountant and I had a social media,

You know,

Site and I was,

You know,

Wanting testimonials from people,

I'd totally get it.

Like literally,

Please,

We both know I'm shit at what I do.

Don't bother.

It was really interesting to me how some people in my industry will have people that will out loud say it.

Whereas for me,

A lot of my people will say internally.

And that's how a lot of us grew up.

We didn't have people really gushing about us.

I mean,

I didn't have a gushy upbringing where people gushed about me at all.

Actually,

I had,

You know,

Parents that valued me and really believed in me,

Which is incredible.

But I definitely,

Because I hold this truth frequency,

I'm very confronting.

My energy is just naturally going to kind of get under your skin and confront you if you're not confronting your own darkness.

And that's just the frequency I hold.

I don't even have to,

I'm not trying to do anything.

I know a lot of you have had this experience too,

Which is brilliant in a session because you can't hide from me.

But in casual conversations,

I can see people kind of go,

Oh God,

And they'll literally,

It'll just be too much.

It's just too confronting.

And as my girlfriend said,

She goes,

They just,

The light's too bright.

They have to put their sunglasses on and turn away.

That's not saying that their light's not too bright.

All I'm reflecting back is them,

But they are not able to self-reflect.

It's too much.

They'd rather reject me than look at what maybe my light is throwing up in them.

And that's been my whole life.

So I kind of,

I'm looking at where am I still running this template?

And it's almost like taking out the NARC engine,

Because if you're still running that NARC template that says,

Don't add to me,

It's don't,

Don't give to me,

Don't add to me,

Don't thank me.

Don't show your appreciation.

Don't think there's any,

There's nowhere for your goodness to land in me.

It's all about what I give to you.

It's all about how much I give to you.

And if I'm not perfect,

You'll just reject me.

Am I still running that on some level?

Have a look as well for yourself.

Where might you still be running an old template from your childhood or the NARC template in an area of your life that is spluttering,

That is not moving in the direction,

It's not gaining traction like it should.

How do I want to end today?

So I want to end by saying you're amazing.

And if you are still in uneven relationships where it feels like they're one-sided,

Be it in business or in your personal life,

I'm sorry,

It still means you're being initiated.

It still means that somewhere in you,

You need to stand behind,

Say it's your business,

You just stand behind your work,

Be proud of it,

Know that you're worthy.

It's like coming back and clearing and healing that.

Yeah,

And I guess the main part of this is if you want to have a different experience of people,

Treat yourself like you're a temple.

Treat yourself like you are gold because the relationship that you have with yourself is setting the tone for every other relationship you'll ever had.

And I remember that is the first kind of quote I ever put out there back when I started putting stuff out on the net,

Back out on Twitter actually,

That's where I first began.

God,

I used to love Twitter.

I used to love,

I'm still on it,

I used to love Twitter.

I feel like for us,

We have to invest in ourselves.

We almost have to have,

I,

What are those things that horses have?

You know,

Blinders.

Is it called blinders?

Eye blinders?

I don't know if that's the right thing,

But we almost have blinkers,

Blinkers.

Thank you.

We need to have blinkers on our eyes because if we don't go no contact with a narc,

They've still got a vacuum cleaner pointing in our general direction.

And this is different from ghosting.

I've had,

You know,

People say to me,

Well,

Isn't that just ghosting?

And I'm like,

No,

Like literally if you have been a friend of mine in the past and you don't hear from me anymore,

I'm not ghosting you.

It's just been non-reciprocal.

And at some point I've realized,

And at some point I've realized that I can't talk to you about it because you're only going to maybe hear how it affects you,

Or maybe I haven't been brave enough to try you on it.

So I will very gently back out of the room.

So I remember I had,

There was one friend who was so gorgeous,

But emotionally,

She just emotionally wasn't mature enough to be able to deal with me.

So I would call her up and I would say maybe something that was going on and she would answer,

Oh,

You'll be fine.

Don't worry about it.

And I need more from a relationship than just that.

So I just gradually backed out and I don't think she ever really knew why,

But I also knew that if I can't even talk to you about simple things,

I'm not going to be able to talk to you about that.

But again,

I was still running that NOC template where she wasn't narcissistic at all,

But I still wasn't getting my needs met in a relationship.

I was still tolerating relationships where I was able to help them with their problems,

But they weren't able to help me with mine.

So I feel like the way for you and I to just hold our energy in and not have it drained so much over these next few weeks,

Because the news is going to come in,

Right?

I really feel like particularly around May,

It feels incredibly light.

The dark might get darker,

But the light's going to get lighter.

Very different to last year where it just felt mostly dark.

This year is different and the light's coming together.

And the beautiful thing with so many of us lightworkers is that we are,

We don't hurt each other.

We don't take from each other.

We bolster each other up.

We have the best time.

It's like literally,

It's like meeting souls.

It really is like meeting incredible souls.

And I did a podcast,

Steve Noble,

If you know him,

He's so beautiful.

He invited me onto his podcast a couple of weeks back,

I think now it was.

And it was just like meeting a soul brother.

It was just energizing.

And we were both asking questions about each other,

Like before and after the podcast,

We kind of really chatted and it was just lovely.

And I'm finding that that's happening.

Whereas before it felt very one-sided.

So for us,

I feel like the best way is literally let's go no contact.

Let's go knock no contact with the global narcs now.

Okay.

And part of what we can learn from narcissists is when narcissists don't get their needs met by others,

They just discard them.

And we can do that with a global narcs.

Like literally I don't see their power and strength.

I'm like,

I'm going to discard you because the power isn't in you and what you do.

The power is in how willing am I to spend time on myself to genuinely grow myself.

So if I have time today,

Am I going to invest in me?

How willing am I to invest in me?

Or am I still going to be interested in other people?

Am I still going to want the distraction?

Am I still going to want to learn about other things and other people at the expense of me?

Or am I going to find that I can stay with me or do I still find it boring to be with me?

So I was coaching a client just recently and I said,

How easy is it for you to really find yourself interesting,

To take time with yourself and to really be with you,

To stay with yourself,

To stay in your experience?

And she said,

Marina,

It's hard.

I said,

Why?

She goes,

I don't know.

It's like a reflex action.

I just want to bounce back out of myself.

I'd much rather,

She said,

Just kind of bring up a friend and have a chat and dah,

Dah,

Dah.

And I said to her,

Isn't it interesting how your friends are not calling you right now?

She's like,

Yeah.

And I'm like,

Okay.

When we have a lack of love from the outside world,

It's often our call to go inwards.

So if we're not finding the love that we normally want,

We're finding that the energy isn't in the outside world.

We actually are our own portals.

The energy is actually within and we're being asked to no longer buy into the illusion that the energy is out there and actually have the energy in here.

So it's time for us to put our blinkers on and grow ourselves.

And if we find that confronting,

Which invariably is right,

To clear and heal wherever it's actually confronting for us.

So I am going to love you and leave you on that point.

I'm sending you lots of love and lots of support and the ability to put a full stop on whatever it is that's been taking you outside of yourself and exhausting you and put yourself in the bath or make yourself a cup of tea and sit in the sun and literally receive.

It's like putting a new template in your body,

Like a light template instead of the knock template.

Me first,

Not at the expense of anybody else,

Because we know that as empaths,

We're so conscientious,

We would never hurt anybody else.

And I don't even identify as an empath anymore because even that identification means I'm still absorbing other people's energy at the expense of myself.

So I've actually got these beautiful energetic boundaries now.

So I don't do that anymore.

So this is about us growing the light and releasing any template we may still have running that is stopping people from finding us,

That is stopping us from doing the big stuff that we know we're meant to be doing.

Because I know for you listening,

You know that you're here for a reason,

Right?

You're here to impact the world.

And if there's anything in your way from doing that,

Clear it,

Clear it,

Right?

Use your process.

Use my book,

Come book in for a session,

Whatever you need,

But clear it so that we rise and lift this planet because this is why we're here.

And the more energy we give to the outside world,

What they did,

What she said,

What he did,

We're going to drain our energy.

And the more that we build our own world within ourself,

We're going to get stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger.

So one of the things I'm doing this week is I'm like,

If it doesn't add to me,

I'm not doing it.

Is this investing in me?

Am I actually adding to me right now?

And if I am,

I'm doing it.

And if I feel like it's an energy drain,

It's like nazia,

Bye.

And it's feeling really,

Really good.

And there's levels,

Right?

I've done this before,

But now I feel like I'm at another level where I'm like,

Okay,

It feels more like it's fine tuning,

But the impact's huge.

So I love you.

Have a beautiful rest of your week.

Remember how powerful you are,

Which is why you are here and build that.

All my love.

Thank you for turning yourself on with me.

Please leave me a gorgeous review,

Which helps me to serve you and come find me at marinaj.

Net for support and at marinaj coaching for Instagram,

Facebook,

And YouTube for glitter bombs of inspiration because you're not on your own.

And if you have you by your side,

You'll never be on your own again.

Give yourself a big hug,

Wrap your arms around yourself and thank yourself for all that you are as you give thanks for all that you are becoming.