The Ego Game | The Image Of Me

So we are on the last class of the Ego Series,

Where we have spent the last seven weeks looking and trying to understand how the ego is arising through our thoughts.

Thoughts about what I want,

Thoughts about what I don't want,

That these kind of two main modes of thinking is what's propelling the ego.

And amongst all of these thoughts of what I want,

What I don't want,

Is always arising an image of a little me at the center of those thoughts.

If I think I'll be happy over there,

Getting some praise,

Getting some success,

Getting a new car,

A new home,

A new partner,

I'm imagining there's a little image of me in my mind,

That's who's going to be happy if I get over there.

And on the other side of that,

When I'm pushing back on something,

When I'm believing that something could be coming into my experience that is unpleasant,

The criticism,

The blame,

The big bill,

The health problem,

Right?

In pushing back,

I believe there's a little image in my mind that believes if I can just push this out of the way,

Then I will be happy.

Or the other side,

If I get this,

If I get what I don't want,

I will be unhappy.

And I'm believing this little image in my mind to be permanent and solid and independently existing and true.

And while the ego in its own little way is trying to help us,

It is giving us an individual reference point with which to navigate the world,

To understand our relationships in the world,

You know,

How to move through the world.

It's interpreting the world around us in a way that it thinks is helpful.

But what we have found is that has become a nightmare,

Because we live in our thoughts.

And so we are living in me thoughts,

In our ego thoughts,

Where it is constantly distorting our perception of reality,

Exaggerating what's happening,

Exaggerating how something that's happening over there that has nothing to do with me,

But how it is so negatively affecting me,

Right?

And so we are constantly telling ourselves these stories about what's happening in the world,

And how it's affecting me.

And through that,

Creating a little image of me.

And if at the end of the day,

I could hand you a printout and say,

These are all the ways in which you have seen yourself today,

Aside from the reams of paper that it would be,

But these are all your thoughts.

These are just the images that came out of all of those thoughts,

You would be horrified.

Because we go all day long,

You know,

I'm great,

I'm on top of the world,

I just meditated,

I'm peaceful.

We get a text from someone,

I'm threatened,

How dare they said this to me?

You know,

And then my neighbor is mowing the lawn,

And you're not supposed to mow the lawn before eight o'clock.

And that's threatening me too.

And we go through this constantly,

I'm a victim,

I'm a loser.

I'm jealous,

I'm envious,

I'm falling behind.

There's something wrong with me,

I'm unlovable,

I'm unworthy.

Oh,

No,

I'm set for life.

Oh,

My life is over.

I love myself,

I hate myself.

This is what we are going through all day long,

Creating these images.

Out of these thoughts is this little image.

And every time this image arises,

I'm a loser.

Because oh,

Look,

They just got a new car,

I don't have a new car.

Oh,

They're going on holiday,

I'm not going on holiday.

They just got a bonus,

I didn't get a bonus.

And the little image of me as a loser,

Falling behind,

Everyone else is doing better than me.

And we take this image to be a solid,

Independent,

True representation of who we are.

And it is an illusion.

And an illusion does not mean that there's not something there.

If you're walking down the road at night,

And you see something long and thin and kind of wiggly,

Right?

Your first thought might be,

It's a snake.

Right?

And then upon further examination,

You get a little more light on it,

You see it's not moving and go,

Oh,

No,

It's not a snake,

It's a rope.

The snake is the illusion,

But the illusion of the snake could not exist,

Could not exist,

Could not arise without the reality of the rope.

The rope is what gives the illusion of the snake.

There is something here.

We all exist.

There is a body here.

There are preferences,

Likes and dislikes.

There's some interests,

Views,

Opinions,

Beliefs,

History,

Memories,

Personality.

All of this is here in each of us.

This is what's giving rise,

The ego could not arise,

It could not be an illusion if there was not something here.

But if when we're looking at the rope,

We only see the snake,

Then we will never see the rope.

And if we are always looking at the illusion of the ego,

We will never see what is really here.

And that while this body exists,

And these likes and these dislikes and interests and views and opinions and beliefs,

They are always changing.

They never stay the same.

This body,

You know,

Very different from when it was 10 years old,

20 years old,

30 years old,

40 years old,

50 years old,

60 years old,

Right?

It's different than this morning.

It changes,

You know,

It is changing moment by moment.

The views,

The opinions,

The beliefs,

The likes,

The dislikes,

The interests.

Very different when I was 10 years old,

15,

20,

30,

40,

50,

60.

Always changing.

There is nothing solid and independent here.

That what we are is a continual process,

Fluid,

Impermanent,

Arising based on causes and conditions and changing moment by moment by moment,

Based on all of those causes and conditions.

What I take to be me,

My interests,

My likes,

My beliefs,

Right?

I,

There is nothing here that did that,

That created these views and opinions.

It's all the external conditions and the internal of this brain,

How this brain got formed.

I didn't create it.

All of the experience stacked on top of one after the other as information comes in,

Being processed in here.

That I am a result of causes and conditions in each and every single one of us is a result of causes and conditions.

There is nothing permanent or solid or independent about us.

Not one little bit.

We use the example often in Buddhism and also in Hinduism of Indra's net.

That the God Indra has this,

This infinite net,

No borders,

No edges to the net,

Infinite.

And at every node,

There's a jewel and light is coming out of that jewel.

And,

And it's,

And the light that's coming out of that And the light that's coming out of that jewel is refracting all of the light that's coming from all the other jewels.

And as the net shifts and moves through all the light,

It is,

It is creating an infinite reflection of interconnectedness.

That this is the reality of who we are,

That we are all rising based on each other,

Based on all of our past experiences,

Where we were born,

Who our parents were,

What type of media happened to be in front of us that we were consuming,

Where we were born,

The time that we were born,

The era that we were born.

Millions and billions and trillions of different causes and conditions giving rise to us in each moment.

If none of you had showed up today,

I would not be sitting here right now.

I would not right now.

I wouldn't not exist,

But I wouldn't exist in this way.

I would be off doing something else.

I would be existing something else in the absence of the call,

Not saying I don't exist with it's,

It would be existing differently because we are the result of all your,

Whether you show up or you don't show up,

Who shows up,

How you show up,

Right?

That that's what's causing this one to arise,

Interdependent,

Interconnected,

Impermanent,

Changing moment by moment by moment.

Not an nihilism,

Not saying we don't exist.

That's not reality.

There is something here.

Each of us exists,

But we do not exist the way we think we exist.

And this is the problem.

We are so caught up in this static,

Solid,

Independent image of how we see ourselves because we live in our thoughts.

We do not see what is really going on.

We are so,

We are so looking at the snake,

We can't see the rope.

We're so believing what the ego is saying,

We cannot see our true reality,

Our true nature.

And it is in seeing reality,

Seeing how we are all arising moment by moment,

Interconnected,

Interdependent,

Impermanent,

That sets us free.

Because if we see reality that we are all arising based on causes and conditions,

How could I take anything personal anymore?

If someone's being unkind to me,

They're acting,

Their behavior is passive aggressive,

Or they're taking advantage.

How could I take that personally?

They're arising through their causes and conditions.

If I had had all of their causes and conditions,

If I had had all of their causes and conditions,

I would be arising with the jerky behavior right now.

And actually,

We have all arisen with the jerky behavior at some point,

Right?

Causes and conditions,

Right?

And recognizing that there's nothing here to take personal.

They're arising their causes and conditions,

I'm arising here on my causes and conditions.

So all of the ill will and the anger and the judgment and the resentment and the hatred that we can have towards others doesn't make any sense when you see reality.

It's where genuine compassion comes from because you understand when this one has been acting like a jerk,

It's because there was a lot of suffering going on.

It's always one of the symptoms of suffering.

And you can see that in others,

Not,

Oh look at you down there,

And me up here.

It's ego again,

Right?

But just I understand the causes and conditions.

Doesn't mean that I'm going to still hang around with that person that I may not have a conversation with them or set a boundary.

Doesn't mean any of that,

But I would not hold,

Have any anger or anger or ill will or hatred for them because they are the result of their causes and conditions.

And all of the regret that we carry around,

If I wish,

If I'd only done something different,

If they'd only done something different,

My life would be so different.

If only I could just go back,

If I could just go back and just change this one thing.

Spending so much of our lives beating ourselves on,

If I just hadn't said that,

Why did I say that?

Why did I have to fire off that email?

Why did I do this?

If I just hadn't done this,

Then I could be okay,

Right?

That's what the ego is saying.

If you could just push this unpleasant thing away,

Then you would be okay.

And the reality,

When we understand that we are arising through causes and conditions,

I couldn't have done anything differently.

Whatever all of the conditions that were arising in that moment that nudged this one,

One direction versus another,

You're about to place the order for something on Amazon and someone calls you and then you forget about it and then your computer crashes and you completely forget what was so important a few minutes ago that you had to have,

Right?

I mean,

Just these little things,

These little things,

We think that we are making all of this happen,

That there is something independent and solid and permanent in here that is not a part of this cause and conditions world,

That there is something separate in here.

But when we look at it and we see there is nothing here independent,

Every single aspect of us is arising based on causes and conditions,

All the regret goes out the door and we let go because all of this thinking that I'm controlling all of this,

Trying to force something to happen,

We let go because we realized I wasn't controlling any of this anyway.

I was just making the ride unpleasant because while I was having the ride of Meredith,

Maybe my whole life having the ride of Meredith,

I kept thinking the ride of Meredith should be over there and we stopped doing that.

We stopped thinking the ride should be different than what it is and we can accept who we are with all of our flaws and all of our little weirdness,

Everyone has it,

We all have little weird things about us,

Right?

We've all done crazy shit,

It's okay because we accept,

We look at it as though there's something fundamentally broken inside,

I can't believe I did that,

Right?

I'm so unworthy,

I'm so unlovable,

So different,

So separate from everyone,

I should be small and meek and afraid but when you understand that you are arising through causes and conditions,

This is simply the result of all of those millions and billions and trillions of causes and conditions,

Every little jewel is arising with a little bit of weird shit in there,

Everyone and so we can accept ours,

Go okay,

That's the little weirdness that's arising here,

Okay,

No problem,

I can accept this,

I can't,

I didn't make this,

I didn't make this,

It is just arising moment by moment by moment based on millions and billions and trillions of causes and conditions.

The play of the light of Indra's net is the arising of each and every single one of us,

So we are not trying to kill or destroy the ego,

It's like seeing the rope in the side of the road and going I killed the snake in there,

You didn't kill the snake in the rope,

You saw that it was an illusion,

That's what we are trying to do here with the ego,

There is something here and we're trying to see what is here,

See that the ego is an illusion,

We have to see that the ego is an illusion to be able to see what is here,

How we are arising in each moment and it's not an easy task because we have been not just our lifetime living with the ego but our society,

Our culture for thousands of years,

At least seven,

Eight thousand,

Maybe ten thousand years,

Right?

Since we start,

Since we settled down and this was mine and that is yours,

My land,

Stay off my land,

I want more,

When we started doing that,

The ego went out of control,

It's a little bit of ego there for a little bit of self-reference,

It was helpful but then once it became mine,

Notice how things change the moment we say that.

So our society,

Our culture is very egocentric and it's been like this for thousands of years,

It's gotten increasingly worse the last let's say 50,

60 years,

Definitely the last 20,

30 with social media,

With technology,

It has definitely gotten worse and so this is a task,

This is a tall task,

It requires effort,

It requires paying attention,

It requires looking and it's what we're doing here,

Right?

That we're looking to see through the illusion of the ego to see,

To see that yes,

The ego is pointing to something,

There is something here and that's one of the tricks of the ego because this is what it'll say,

Well there is something there,

Yes,

There is something here having this experience and no one's signing up for pain here,

No one's signing up to sleep on a bed of nails,

Right?

No one's setting,

You know,

Signing up for a seven day fast,

Right?

And of course the ego is in its thoughts going,

You know,

If we don't worry about this,

Like something here is going to pay the consequences for this and this is why we have gone through in this ego series,

The different characters of the ego,

Right?

To look at the desperate need for validation outside of us,

The judging others,

Judging ourselves,

The chasing happiness,

The future me that's going to be happy,

The pushing back on that which I think is unpleasant and the controlling of all of this in our thoughts to see that what is pointing to is a lie,

You are not happier when you get over there,

You are not happier pushing this thing away from you,

It is not preventing suffering,

It is causing it but that is its calling card,

It is always trying to say but no,

Something's going to happen to this one here and we go right back up and we believe it again and again and again.

So our task,

Our task here is to say,

I see you Mara,

To identify when the ego is arising.

Anytime there is an image of me,

The ego has arisen,

Anytime and it is so sneaky,

Right?

We can see it as doubt,

Oh I see you doubt,

I see you fear,

I see you loser,

I see you unworthy,

I see you bad teacher,

I see you,

I see you good teacher,

I see,

Right?

Good or bad,

It's still an image.

Anytime it is an image,

It will eventually turn to suffering and in spirituality,

Oh the ego loves to get dressed up in spiritual clothing and fool us again.

Me,

A meditator,

Me,

A spiritual person,

Me,

So conscious,

Look at all those other people down there unconscious,

Separation,

Image,

Right?

I mean it is amazing the number you know of,

Of bless their heart but egos dressed up as spirituality looking down on other people.

It's still ego.

Anytime,

Anytime there is an image,

Even when we have this image,

Oh me,

I'm going to run away and be in a cave and become enlightened.

Oh me in the cave,

Yes there I will be enlightened.

Let me tell you when you get to the cave,

You're going to go god it's awfully cold in here,

Where's room service,

Where's the heating,

Right?

It's you know we have this,

It's always somewhere else,

It's always something else,

It's an image.

The ego is always an image.

All the subtle ways in which we push back.

We had on the class earlier today on insight timer where someone was asking how do I balance this out with having my self-worth and confidence and then being compassionate and humble at the same time?

Who do you think's asking that question?

Give me an image of what this looks like.

Give me an image.

Self-worth,

Confidence,

The ego needs that but of course if I can have high self-worth,

I can have low self-worth.

If I can be confident,

I can be unconfident,

Right?

And so again,

It's so clever.

But wait,

You know,

It's always just looking for these little ways to get in there and to catch us off guard.

So we have to be so mindful.

I see you more.

Anytime you feel that clenching,

The image is already arisen,

It's there,

Right?

And then as best you can identify it,

If it's just pushing back,

It's just chasing,

Those are the two main mind movements of the ego,

Right?

If that's,

I see you chasing,

I see you pushing back,

I see you as a spiritual person and I'm not buying it.

Anytime see what the,

You know,

Notice what's happening,

I see you Mara,

I see you as doubt,

I see you as fear,

I see you as success,

I see you as failure,

I see you as failure.

And then slowing things down,

Right?

We talked about those 10 breaths,

Right?

And 10 just being a number that it's something we can,

Okay,

10 breaths.

It's so,

That initial point,

That like seeing it requires effort,

But then that pulling ourselves out,

We just need to slow things down a bit and we can think,

Well,

10 breaths,

I can do 10 breaths and feel what's here,

What we really feeling our experience as we're breathing,

Using self-compassion as necessary,

Kind self-talk,

Talking self-talk is not the enemy.

Oh,

Sweetheart,

You can be with us.

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That hurt.

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That was embarrassing.

Let's feel this,

Let's be with this,

Right?

To talk ourselves to coming into our experience and accepting it,

Right?

And so once we've come in and we've done those 10 breaths and we've dialed it down a little bit,

We've dialed back,

The image is now gone because we can't have our attention on the image and in our breath and our body at the same time.

Our attention can only be in one place or the other,

Right?

So the image is now gone,

The tightening is starting to loosen a little bit,

Right?

We've slowed down a little bit and then we can ask ourselves,

Is that useful?

Was there something there I needed to know?

Because every now and then,

One out of 999,

000 thoughts or something,

It's giving us some good advice,

Right?

But we talked about this on the first class.

If you went up to a taco stand and 99 tacos were shit tacos and only one taco was a good taco,

You would be very discerning looking at every single taco before you dug in.

That's the kind of,

Is it useful?

Assume to begin with,

It's a shit taco.

Most likely that's what it is.

But I need to look at it,

I need to see what it's pointing to because I need to see through its lies,

Right?

But even just in that kind of discernment,

Right?

It's kind of like,

Okay,

Well,

Let me see what's going on here.

But every now and then,

You're going to say,

That image was arising of a relationship that's maybe needs some tending to,

Needs some attention.

Okay,

Do you need to do something?

I probably do need to reach out to them.

They haven't reached out to me for a while and I could see that maybe my head was spinning about,

Why haven't they reached out to me?

You know,

When we take on the victim status,

Right?

And instead just saying like,

Yeah,

Is that relationship important?

Yeah,

It is.

Okay,

So instead of just saying,

Well,

I'm not reaching out to them either then,

Right?

Because the ego loves to cut its nose off to spite its face,

Right?

Cut our nose off to spite our face,

Right?

Instead,

We can think,

Yeah,

Something's,

Maybe something's going on with them and I should reach out to them and just say like,

Hey,

This is important.

Like,

You know,

Is everything okay?

I mean,

Not with this idea,

I need you to validate me.

I need your approval.

I won't be okay without it.

But yeah,

This is important to me.

Or maybe it's a relationship where,

Again,

Those thoughts are arising,

The thoughts are arising where you're remembering like,

Yeah,

Every time I'm with them,

I feel like,

You know,

They're putting you down,

They're being passive aggressive.

There's a lot of gossip or judging or a lot of kind of like,

You feel like,

Oh,

This isn't such a healthy relationship for me anymore.

Okay,

Yeah,

There's something useful there,

There's something I need to do.

It's time to set a boundary.

I'm not comfortable in that relationship anymore.

No ill will for the person,

No anger towards them,

They're their causes and conditions,

No judgment.

But something needs to be done.

This isn't a healthy relationship.

So we can take that one good taco then and go,

Yeah,

Yeah,

I need to do something with that.

I need to,

I need to have that tough conversation.

Because this isn't healthy.

And so to know,

We know the ego is arising.

Every one of you are is here because the ego is arising.

And we need to be more prepared for it.

Just as if we were preparing for a storm.

Right?

If a hurricane was coming tonight,

I would cancel class and I would be out putting up all the hurricane shutters,

I'd be stocking up on water and food,

Clean,

Fresh towels,

Hold back the water,

Right?

I would be doing stuff I would,

I in fact,

I have canceled class because of hurricanes.

And no doubt I will again,

Coming this August,

September,

Right?

Because that's the time to prepare for that.

We need to be more prepared for the ego.

We know it's arising.

There is no question.

It is arising.

Write down the ways in which your ego keeps arising and catching you off guard.

Have a little ego pad.

There is so much power in putting it on paper.

Doubt,

Second guessing,

Loser,

Unlovable,

Shame,

Guilt,

Right?

Write them down and write down that,

Oh,

Success,

You know,

Influence,

Whatever it is on that other,

Write those down too.

They're a trap.

Any image is a trap.

So write them down.

So you're more prepared,

Right?

You can see them.

Ah,

I see Mara.

Yeah,

I do see how you come out.

And as you get caught in it and you,

And you,

I see you,

Oh,

I hadn't written you down,

Mara.

That was,

That was very clever.

I did not even notice it,

But I do see you pushing back in this very,

Very subtle way.

It's going,

Going on the list.

I'm taking names,

Right?

You're on the list.

So you keep putting it on the list and you keep investigating it and you keep feeling and breathing and coming into it,

Right?

And is it useful?

And begin again and begin again and begin again.

It's going to be a million begin agains.

No problem.

No problem.

Every time you begin again,

Every time you begin again,

It's a fresh,

Clean slate.

Just begin again.

Yeah.

It's going to keep trying to trick you and it's going to keep throwing it at you,

But you're going to keep seeing it and you're going to feel it.

You're not going to be afraid to come in and feel it,

To take those breaths,

To use self-compassion as necessary,

To investigate,

Is this useful?

And at the same time,

Paying attention to how you are arising in each moment,

Right?

We do need to see that the ego is an illusion.

We also,

At the same time,

Want to be looking and preparing to see reality.

Notice as you're going about your day,

How did I end up right here?

Like just how did you all end up on this call,

Right?

Jackie,

I met you I think seven years ago when I was doing a class in Point Loma in San Diego.

Sophie,

Because of kiteboarding,

I met you maybe 14 years ago,

15 years ago,

Right?

And then the other interest that brought you on spirituality that brought this,

All of these things,

Kimberly,

Because I knew Pamela because she was our attorney at the hedge fund,

She'd given you this as a gift and Janice and Bruce because you're all attached to Kimberly,

Right?

And Kyra because of Insight Timer and Susan,

I think because of Polly,

Who I met because of kiteboarding,

In fact kiteboarding and because of a lot of dog rescue,

All of these things,

Like one little thing that could have been different.

Sophie,

If one of us hadn't been kiteboarding,

You wouldn't be here on this call right now.

Jackie,

If you had belonged to a different point,

A different yoga studio when I was teaching at yoga,

Doing that series at yoga six,

You wouldn't be here right now.

If those Chinese companies hadn't committed fraud and Pamela was our attorney to go after them,

Kimberly,

Bruce and Janice would not be here.

It is all of these causes and conditions,

And it's interesting,

Like we can look back,

And I encourage you,

Write it out,

Write out your timeline,

How you got to exactly where you are today,

And look back at some pivotal moments and think,

What if I'd called in sick that day?

What if the person that hired me was sick that day and someone else had interviewed me and I didn't get the job that then caused me to meet this person that caused me to then meet this person,

To go to this thing?

Your husband that you,

You know,

Maybe you didn't go to the bar that night or you didn't go to the coffee shop because you weren't feeling well,

You decided to go somewhere else,

You had an accident on the way.

Your dog was sick,

Your child was sick.

One little change in the timeline and you would not be here today.

You would be having a different experience.

You would still exist,

It would be different.

It would be different.

Pay attention.

When you notice you're,

You're looking in the fridge for food,

Notice your hand go,

Absolutely in the real time,

Just know,

Where's it going?

Oh,

It's going for this,

Right?

Notice that,

Pay attention,

Because it feels,

The ego wants to claim,

I made this decision.

Decisioning happening,

Brain processing happening.

But why was I thirsty?

Maybe I hadn't had water for a few hours.

Maybe I hadn't slept well the night before.

You know,

Something in the biology was pushing this one forward.

Maybe there was nothing to drink in the fridge and so you go to the store,

All of these different things.

And it's just important to keep paying attention to that,

To keep paying attention to how you are arising in each moment.

So paying attention to the ego,

I see you Mara.

Remember,

In the ego's mind,

Everything matters.

Every little,

It matter,

Oh,

They looked at you funny,

That matters.

They were passive aggressive,

That matters.

Every little thing matters to the ego.

Every little thing matters to the ego.

And if every little thing matters,

What really matters will be missed.

That is the problem,

Because you will never see what is really happening.

How you are arising,

Interdependent,

Interconnected,

Impermanent,

Based on millions and billions and trillions of different causes and conditions,

That this ride that is arising and changing moment by moment by moment is such a mystery,

Is such a wonder,

Right?

It's not always pleasant,

It's not always pleasant,

But all of the self-created suffering from the ego is gone.

And when something's unpleasant,

Like no problem,

I can stay here with it,

We can deal with this.

I have to make some story,

I have to make some image out of it,

You know,

Just take care of it.

Yeah,

It's okay.

If sadness is arising,

I can feel it,

I can be with it.

The heart's quivering,

That's okay,

I can feel it,

I can be with it.

This is all part of the experience.

We want some texture in the ride.

We don't want the roller coaster,

The absolute extreme highs and lows,

We don't want that.

But we want the texture,

Right?

To enjoy it.

We want to flow like the river,

Because we are a river,

Constantly changing,

Impermanent,

Interconnected.

That is the freedom we are seeking.

And that is why,

As I say over and over,

The peace is always here.

It's here when you let go of all of this controlling of who you think you are,

Of where you think your happiness is,

And instead drop down into reality,

Where you can see all of the gifts that are arising for us in each moment,

That you have a roof over your head.

That's amazing,

Not everyone has that.

You have clothes,

You have food,

You have friends,

You have a spiritual sangha,

Not everyone has the intention for this.

All of these beautiful gifts of the little,

I can hear the little birds out there just singing a little song,

You know,

All of these things that are happening,

We miss because we're lost in the illusion.

So paying more and more attention to the illusion,

I see you Mara,

And more attention to how we are arising in each moment.

And just begin again,

And begin again,

And begin again.

Every single person here is capable of seeing this.

This is,

We are not trying to become gods here.

You are capable of seeing what's going on.

Just pay attention,

Pay attention and begin again,

As quickly as you can begin again.

Begin again.