The Illusion Of Control: Let Go And Be Free | Part 1

So for the retreat today,

Just to give you a little bit of an idea of the format,

I am going to do a Dharma talk to begin.

It's probably going to be a little bit longer of a Dharma talk than I normally do on the half-day retreats,

And I am also going to give more time for the discussion,

Because I am hitting a topic that does push a lot of buttons for us,

So I want to give us a lot of time for discussion after the talk.

We will do a very short meditation,

And again,

Depending upon how long the discussion goes,

We'll do a short meditation,

And then I'll also give the instructions for the time that you're going to be on your own for the personal retreat time,

Which is also going to be a little different than how we have normally done our retreats.

So the topic is still pretty much the same of what we're always discussing,

In that it's about the ego,

The separate self,

This mental process that we're constantly going through because we're always thinking about ourselves,

And that we're always identifying with the image through this mental process,

Identifying ourselves through this mental process as being something other than who we are,

And because we have misidentified who we are,

And because we continuously do this,

We cause ourselves a lot of suffering.

We think there is an inherently existing separate me here,

And because we're so focused on that,

We don't see the reality of who we are,

So we do spend a lot of time focusing on what we're not,

Trying to see what you're not,

And in doing that,

Revealing what it is that's here.

So we really don't seem to have any problems at all.

In fact,

We're quite happy to look at all of what we would perceive as the unpleasant images of the ego.

I'm the failure,

I'm the loser,

I'm the idiot,

I'm the one who's frightened and anxious,

Even though there's nothing to be frightened of or anxious in my environment.

We're quite happy to see through that illusion.

We're like,

Yep,

I want to get rid of those things,

No problem.

And then,

As we saw a few weeks ago,

We're also looking at,

Okay,

What we perceive as the positive images of the ego,

Still the ego,

Still identifying with something when we want to see ourselves as successful,

When we want to see ourselves as more spiritual,

As more improved,

Right?

Still the ego.

And we're a little less inclined to want to get rid of those images,

But hopefully we're working through that,

Hopefully from that class,

That Dharma talk a few weeks ago,

Where you're seeing they're really two sides of the same coin.

Like you can't have failure without success.

You can't have,

You know,

You can't have I'm a loser without I'm a winner,

Right?

You can't have winning without or winning without losing.

That you can't,

These are two sides of the same coin.

If I can be spiritual on one side,

I can be unspiritual and therefore failing at spirituality on the other side.

So hopefully we're starting to get more observant of seeing that and seeing the tension that arises when we're grasping at ourselves,

When we're grasping at this image of myself as on the pleasant side of what we perceive as a good image.

So for today,

What I want us to look at is an aspect of the ego that hides in plain sight.

That we will go to the nth degree of defending,

Of clinging to it.

And that is the decision maker,

The decider.

This is where we really push back,

Where there's a lot of clinging and defending of the sense of me as the one who's steering the wheel,

As the one who's controlling.

That there is something independent,

Solid,

Inherently existing,

Separate outside of all this causal and conditioned world that the whole universe is in.

But there is something here that has the steering wheel that's driving the car.

And so even though we can look and we can see how we can see where we're impermanent,

That our thoughts,

Our feelings,

Our emotions,

Always changing,

Interdependent,

Interconnected.

We can see our mind always changing,

Interdependent,

Interconnected.

We can see our bodies always changing,

Interdependent,

Interconnected.

But then when it comes to me,

The decider,

There is a really strong sense of me here.

And we feel really threatened when anyone challenges this.

Because we think I am who I am because of all the decisions I've made.

Every success that I've had in my life is all me.

And I can puff myself up and I can feel really good about myself because of all of my successes that I did.

And I can also feel really bad about all of the bad decisions that I've made,

All of the failures that I've had in my life,

That I can beat myself up endlessly and have regret about why did I do this and I'm such a loser.

I mean,

It sounds very much like the ego.

And I'm not disputing in any way that decisioning is not happening.

Of course,

Decisioning is happening all the time.

Brain processing happening,

Right?

Decisioning happening through our past experiences,

Our memories,

All of the things we've been exposed to,

Our education,

The media that we've been exposed to,

Our desires,

Our fears,

Our goals,

What our risk reward,

Whether we're willing to take on a little bit more risk right now because a few hours ago I won something and I'm feeling really good in that direction or maybe a few hours ago I lost something.

And so I'm not feeling as risky right now.

So all of these things,

Decisioning happening in the brain,

A process happening,

And then eventually a decision pops out.

And in comes the ego to say,

I did that.

It's so fast.

It happens so fast.

It's like a card trick.

That sense of me,

That ownership that I did that.

I chose that.

It's always coming in and claiming it after the fact.

And we don't question it at all.

We just go,

Well,

Of course I did that in reinforcing this sense of me.

And that's not to say that,

Of course,

Our decisions or the decisioning that's happening,

The choicing that's happening,

There is a uniqueness of it happening from this view,

From Meredith,

Because of all of my experiences,

Because of all of the memories that have been here,

Because of the DNA,

Because of my parents and their parents and their parents and all of their experiences and how all of that has been coming down into each moment,

There is a decisioning happening here.

But yes,

It is from a unique viewpoint of Meredith.

Absolutely.

But nothing here,

Independent,

Solid,

Separate,

Even my likes and my dislikes,

I didn't choose them.

I don't choose to like Diet Coke and hate Diet Pepsi.

I just do.

I didn't choose to like Buddhism or not.

I didn't choose to like meditation or not.

I just do.

But the ego always comes in afterwards and claims some ownership of it,

Of why,

Why I like this,

Why I don't like this.

I can't choose what I like and I don't like,

Because it's all just part of this processing.

It's not happening as an independent,

Inherent you,

Separate from the universe.

It's happening as part of the universe,

Arising in each moment,

All these little choicing happening every single moment,

Whether to stay on the Dharma talk or not,

Whether to grab for a glass of,

You know,

Sip of water or not,

Whether to get up and go to the bathroom or not.

All day long,

Little decisioning,

Choicing happening every moment.

We're going in one direction or another,

Or we're just staying put,

But little decisioning happening.

But then when it comes to the bigger decisioning,

Even just the decisioning,

What am I going to have for lunch?

Then we claim it.

I did that.

I chose to have that for lunch.

I chose to come into this room.

I chose to come to this Dharma talk.

And we keep,

Every time we do that,

And we do it unchecked because every time the ego comes in afterwards and said,

Oh,

I did that.

I did that.

A solid,

Independent,

Separate me.

I did that.

And we don't question it.

And we just keep reinforcing it.

We keep reinforcing this idea that there is a solid,

Independent me,

Separate from all of this causal conditioning impermanence out there.

And even when we hear this,

The ego makes the argument.

Well,

If I'm not doing any of this,

Then why do anything at all?

And that's the point.

You weren't doing anything.

All of this is just happening.

You're happening.

We're happening.

Each of us is arising and changing,

Interdependent,

Interconnected,

Impermanent,

Moment by moment by moment changing.

And yes,

The ego influencing,

Definitely influencing.

It's a condition.

If I think I'm the owner of it,

If I think I'm separate,

That is a condition that goes into it.

And what ends up going into it is a lot of grasping,

A lot of clinging,

I got to make the right decision.

A lot of white knuckling it,

Trying to hold on to the steering wheel,

Stop me from going into the ditch.

A lot of stress,

A lot of fear,

A lot of anxiety.

Because this fear,

If I let go of control,

If I let go of the idea that I'm the decision maker,

I will go into the ditch.

And so we keep holding on.

We keep believing I'm the one that's holding this all together.

And yet,

In fact,

We're not holding any of this together.

We're just adding on more stress.

And even,

I am going to use the example of kite surfing,

Which some of you may know about kite surfing,

Where we have these big kites,

Like big seven meter,

Eight meter kites and 25 meter lines that you're attached to the kite.

And you go out on the water,

Typically on the water,

You can do it on the snow as well,

But typically you'll see it on the water.

And it's quite a dangerous sport because you have this big kite and the wind and there's a lot of accidents that can happen.

It's gotten a lot better as the equipment has gotten better.

But one of the challenges when you're learning to kite surf is to learn how to steer the kite.

And so most people are learning,

And as I did,

Learned on the beach before you get on the water.

And every time you pull down on the bar,

You power up the kite.

You turn the kite into the wind and it powers it up.

And when you let go of the bar,

The kite goes into a neutral position.

So the wind just goes by on either side.

So you're pretty safe.

And this always happens if you're anywhere near someone that's learning kiting.

You will hear inevitably someone yelling out,

Let go of the bar,

Let go of the bar.

And yet we're white knuckling it,

Holding onto the bar,

Powering up the kite,

Getting dragged through the beach,

Ideally maybe through the water,

Sometimes getting dragged into buildings.

I mean,

People die holding on so tightly because everything in our instinct is saying,

No,

I'm controlling this.

To let go would feel frightening.

To think that,

No,

All of a sudden everything will just right itself if I just let go.

And this is why we hold on.

We hold on to this idea of me,

The one making the decisions.

Me,

The one controlling this.

Me,

The one steering this.

Because if I let go,

Something bad will happen.

But instead,

When we let go,

What we find is there's no more resistance.

What we find is the ride tends to ride itself.

The car tends to ride itself.

Just drives a little easier,

Probably a little better gas mileage.

Everything seems to flow a bit easier.

And we avoid the ditches instead of driving ourselves into the ditches.

Because in believing that I am the one making these decisions when I am clearly not,

There's no decision maker.

Decisioning happening,

No decision maker.

But in seeing that,

We let go of all the clinging and the grasping and the attachment.

And this idea of this fake control that I'm holding on and in its wake is a greater sense of ease and wonder.

And a sense of let's see what happens.

I don't have to hold on trying to imagine everything that's going to happen.

Imagine I'm controlling everything,

Taking ownership of all of this.

I can actually just see what's unfolding moment by moment.

And then life takes on a greater sense of wonder,

Of ease,

Of awe.

Because what you see is that life is happening.

You're happening.

You were never in control.

So decisioning,

Still happening,

Still happening.

Just no clinging,

No grasping,

No attachment to the outcome,

No suffering.

You're not claiming being the one who's making the decisions.

You're seeing decisioning is happening.

You're not letting the ego come in afterwards and say,

I did that and seeing like,

No,

It's just decisioning happening.

It's lighter,

It's freer.

And as you go about your day,

You're still doing things,

But without a doer,

Without the burden of the doer,

Without the weight of the doer.

Even still thinking,

But without the weight of the thinker at the center of it.

Just thinking,

Thinking as part of the decisioning.

No problem,

No one behind it.

So in seeing this,

In seeing that there is no decision maker,

Seeing the ego hiding,

Posing as the decision maker and that we just believe it,

What happens in this place is wisdom.

We start to really understand how things are arising.

There is no personal ownership.

And so if there is no personal ownership here,

If there's no one separate,

Independent,

Inherently existing here,

Making decisions,

How could I regret anything?

Think of the hours,

The weeks,

The years that people spend regretting decisions that you couldn't have,

You couldn't have done anything different because that's how all those trillions of conditions were coming together in that moment.

That was the happening in that moment.

You couldn't have done anything differently.

And then you can see as well,

Okay,

If I couldn't have done anything differently,

Because I am the result of my causes and conditions,

Then I can see that others are also the result of their causes and conditions.

And why would I hate someone?

Why would I judge someone when they are simply their causes and conditions?

It's not personal.

Even when someone is being unkind to us,

It's not personal.

It feels so personal because if I'm the decision maker over here,

If I'm the one controlling and driving the car over here,

Then I can believe you're the one over there controlling and driving the car too.

And in that way of thinking,

We can both drive our cars into the ditch instead of seeing,

Oh,

There was no one in the driver's seat.

There's an experience happening.

Yes,

You are the one having the experience.

There is something here having an experience,

But not the way you think it is.

And that doesn't mean that we can't,

Of course,

Not be around someone that's being unkind or unpleasant or set boundaries.

Of course,

There's wisdom in that.

There's wisdom in that,

But there's no hatred.

There's no judging another person for it.

There's no saying,

Okay,

I'm not going to be around that person anymore and then spending the rest of the day thinking about what a jerk they are because they are who they are because of their causes and conditions.

And that's real compassion.

That's genuine compassion.

Genuine compassion.

Oh man,

They are suffering.

And their ego is really,

There's a lot of grasping going on there.

There's a lot of attachment,

A lot of suffering.

And yeah,

I know what that's like and it sucks.

And I can have a lot of compassion while I keep them,

While I say no to their invitation or while I set some boundaries around the interactions that I have with them.

And of course,

Then we can also stop judging ourselves,

Right?

Because there is no one here doing this.

There is no one to judge.

It's like judging the rain and saying,

You came down really badly last week.

I don't like the way you came down.

You should have done it differently.

And so the judging of ourselves,

We let go of that and we start to be more appreciative of,

Yes,

I am my causes and conditions.

Just happening,

Arising moment by moment by moment.

Nothing to hold on to,

Nothing to cling to,

Nothing to grasp at.

But if I think I'm the decision maker,

Then there's a lot to cling to.

There's a lot to grasp at.

There's a lot to be attached to.

And therein lies all the suffering.

But we take this sense of me as the decision maker and we simply don't question it.

We just assume that it's true.

We just carry on.

Yeah,

I did that.

Oh,

I did the wrong thing back there.

That was so stupid.

I did the right thing back there.

I'm so smart,

Right?

Just going back and forth,

All this suffering,

Instead of seeing where is that sense of me?

I just accept it.

I just accept it without questioning it.

So this is what I want us to do in the time on the two and a half hours that you're going to have on the personal retreat time.

What I will ask you to do is to look at this for yourself.

To spend time looking at who is it that's claiming ownership of having done something.

So we are going to do things a little bit differently where normally I ask you to have a schedule for the time that's going to be for your personal retreat time.

And while that is also very,

Very important in our schedule,

And this is a relatively shorter period of time,

We're just going to block that two and a half hours for witnessing the one who thinks it's making the decisions.

We're going to have parameters.

We're going to have parameters on things that we should be doing and things we shouldn't be doing.

And I'll get to that before we let you all go for the personal retreat time.

But I just want you to be able to see for yourself to really dedicate this time,

Just a few hours,

To really see that sense of me that's doing the decisioning.

When you're making decisions that aren't particularly heavy,

They're not particularly,

There's not any particularly heavy long-term consequences,

You know,

There's going to be a deciding between should I do some sitting meditation or some walking meditation?

Should I do some journaling?

Should I go and eat something?

And what should I eat?

So they're not heavy decisions,

Light decisions,

But enough with this mindset for you to keep looking at it.

Is there something here that's making the decision?

Remember,

It's just an assumption.

We just assume because the ego says I did it,

I made the decision,

And we don't question it.

We go,

Well,

I did it.

So I'm asking,

Say,

Take a couple of hours and see for yourself,

Is there really something independent,

Solid,

Inherently existing separate outside of this causal world that is making decisions?

And in looking,

And again,

In these parameters of not,

You know,

Not anything real heavy,

Not a major decision to be made,

But just noticing how you go from one thing to the next,

Still doing,

No doer,

Still thinking,

No thinker,

Still decisioning,

No decision maker.

So as you're going from one thing to the next,

Realizing that none of this is personal,

There is a happening,

You're happening in each moment.

And notice what happens as you stand in in front of the refrigerator and the door open,

And there's deciding happening about what to eat.

Just pay attention.

Where does the hand go?

Oh,

It's reaching for this.

Oh,

Kind of notice.

It's like there really isn't anything,

Any one thing directing any of this.

It's just kind of reaching out and coming back.

Oh,

Okay.

And notice what happens when you're not grasping,

When you're not caught up in the clinging,

That often,

Where we would before reach for the thing that's the most,

Right,

The quickest,

The easiest,

The most processed food,

But instead there's a reaching for the thing that,

Oh,

I'll prepare this,

Because you're lighter.

You're not as heavy.

There's a lot of heaviness in carrying around the sense of me and making the decision,

Because also I need to make the right decision to make me happy as well.

So there's a lot of pressure on this.

And in that pressure,

There's stress.

And in that stress,

We often go for the quick thing,

The thing that's usually not good for us.

We usually reach for the phone.

So we're not going to have any phone stuff.

That's going to be one of our parameters,

Right?

That we're not reaching for anything on the phone,

Unless it is your insight timer bell,

Because you're doing a meditation.

But other than that,

No,

It's just that seeing.

And seeing for yourself,

Does it feel better?

Were you still here through the whole thing,

Just feeling better,

Lighter,

Less stressed?

Because this is as everything is on this path.

You have to see it.

You have to see that what you think,

That sense of me,

Just because you've believed this your whole life,

Just because you believe that you've been the one in the driver's seat,

Desperately holding onto the steering wheel,

Trying to keep yourself,

Keep the car on the road,

Just because you've believed that your whole life,

It doesn't mean it's true.

And so it's for you to investigate yourself,

To see,

Not to take my word for it,

Because that will only last about 10 minutes.

But for you to keep looking,

Noticing that again,

It's grasping and clinging.

I need to make the decision.

So we know there's that contraction that comes with it.

Oh,

Be mindful,

Breathe into it,

Feel it.

Okay.

Oh,

Where did it go?

Now I just feel a sense of spaciousness and ease.

Where did it go?

Where is this solid,

Independent me that's making all the decisions?

Or was it just decisioning happening,

Just brain processing happening,

Conditions just changing?

And to start noticing how fluid things become,

How fluid you are,

Because you are,

Right?

When we're not binding ourselves up,

Winding ourselves up into this belief that I'm in something,

Instead of seeing,

No,

I was just an ever arising,

Changing,

Interdependent,

Interconnected being.

And so you'll have choicing happening on your personal retreat,

Parameters.

I'll go over the parameters of things that we do want to give the choicing between.

And to really see for yourself,

To put the flashlight on this sense of me,

The sense of me that's driving the car,

That's in control.

And what happens when I give up all that control?

That control that I perceived that I had through my thoughts,

That I was thinking this,

That I was making this happen,

What happens?

Did the decisions become worse?

Did they become better?

Did you become worse?

Did you feel better?

Because that's your proof also in seeing that you're getting closer to the truth when you feel a release,

When you feel a sense of freedom,

When you feel a sense of ease,

When you feel okay in your environment,

Because every single one of us here is most likely safe in our environment.

We're okay.

Each decision isn't a life or death decision.

And again,

It's just this decisioning,

Decisioning,

Decisioning,

No decision maker.

We've believed for so long that we are the ones driving this,

Me,

That I'm the one doing it independent and separate.

And all that has led to is a lot more grasping and controlling and clinging and craving and suffering.

And so if we're willing to look at the ego in all of these places,

All of these different images,

I'm the loser,

I'm the unworthy one.

Yep.

Want to get rid of that?

Yeah.

I'm the more spiritual one.

I'm the more improved one.

I'm the successful one.

Oh,

I can see the suffering in that too.

And I can see the impermanence in that.

Yep.

That's not me either.

Then we also have to be willing to look at this to say,

To see,

So to see for yourself,

Is there a decision maker here or is it just decisioning happening?

Right?

Because all of that flows then in your doing without the doer,

Your thinking without the thinker.

And then life is just so much easier.

The ride becomes easier.

You let go,

There's no more white knuckling it through life.

When we have these really good conditions,

Most of us have good conditions.

If you can be spending your Sunday afternoon on an insight time or Dharma talk,

Then you have pretty good conditions.

And it's to appreciate how all of this is happening in each moment,

To let go and enjoy the ride.

See what's happening as you go through your retreat time.

I wonder what she's going to do next.

I wonder what's going to happen.

Let's see.

Oh,

It's going in this way.

It's more interesting.

It's more playful because there is the sense of,

Oh,

Wow,

I don't know.

I don't know what's going to happen.

Let's see.

So to just test,

To try this for yourself,

To do a test run,

If you will,

Of doing the,

Of letting go of the steering wheel of really getting,

Of really paying attention to that sense of me that wants to come in afterwards on the decision.

And again,

To question it,

Where is it?

Breathe,

Feel it.

And you'll notice it dissipates.

Oh,

Nothing solid,

Independent here.

Okay.

In real time,

Real time,

As you're,

As the decisioning is happening,

Really paying attention.

We just take it for granted,

The decision maker,

Paying attention.

Oh,

There was a going in this direction.

I don't know why.

I don't know why.

Just,

There was a going in this direction.

And notice how much better it feels as you go in that direction,

Not all bound up,

Not grasping,

Not attached,

But free,

Acknowledging,

Yeah,

This is just happening.

Life is happening.

I'm happening and changing in each and every moment.

But my view of this can,

Can drastically affect the quality of this happening for better or worse.

And what we're trying to do here,

At least what I'm trying to teach,

What I'm trying to convey,

Is to see for yourself what you are not.

To see,

To question what you have taken to be true,

What you've just assumed to be true,

Because the ego said,

I did it.

To say,

Did you?

To just keep questioning,

To keep looking for it.

And in looking for it and not seeing it,

Noticing how things open up,

That sense of spaciousness,

That sense of ease,

Like this is what you want,

Is the freedom,

That sense of openness,

That sense of flowing with life,

Because life is fluid,

Life is constantly changing,

Arising and changing,

Interdependent,

Interconnected.

This is what we want.

So try it out.

Try it out for a couple hours in the personal retreat time.

See for yourself whether it is just decisioning happening or not.

I think you will find it is far more pleasant to let go of the steering wheel that you were not controlling anyway.

This is where the ego hides in plain sight.

We will go to every degree to defend it.

And it just sits back.

Thank goodness.

Thank goodness.

I don't have to worry about this.

The jig will never be up.

And so we're going to shine a spotlight on it there too and say,

Let's look here.

Let's look here too.

There's going to be a lot of resistance to it.

There probably already is.

This is a very… it shouldn't be,

But it is.

It's very triggering for people.

There's so much of a sense of me,

The one deciding everything.

And yet all that does is lead us to that view of me being independent,

Separate from everything else,

Suffering versus living in reality,

Living in alignment of reality,

That I am a part of everything,

That merit of this happening,

That's happening in this moment,

Is arising based on millions and billions of trillions of different causes and conditions.

There is a lot of nothing separate here from the universe.

I'm not the center of the universe.

I'm a part of it.

And in that,

It's like,

Ah,

The ride becomes so much better,

So much more pleasant,

So much easier,

So much easier,

So much lighter.

Who doesn't want that?

But we have to look.

You have to look for yourself to see this.

You have to look for yourself.

It's not enough to hear it.

Notice the resistance,

Notice the resistance to it,

And just be willing to look,

At least be willing to look.

See for yourself.

So,

I will see if there's any questions on this,

If anyone has any.

I haven't seen any questions come up yet,

But please,

Anything that's coming up,

Any resistance to this,

Give the argument light.

Let's discuss it here so that you don't carry it with you and still keep believing it.

So,

I'll give a few minutes for that.

If we don't have any questions,

We will just go into a meditation,

And then I'll give the instructions afterwards.

And I'll also just look at your comment here,

Alice.

Oh,

Hi,

Paul.

So,

Hang on,

Let me just see Alice.

You got a nice compliment yesterday,

And you enjoyed the compliment,

But didn't make an image out of it,

And the ego really wanted to puff up.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Isn't that beautiful?

You know,

When it's like,

Yes,

We're not denying the compliments,

We're not denying the good conditions,

Enjoy them,

It's nice,

But don't make an image out of it.

Don't make an image out of it.

That's where it becomes a… that's where the suffering comes in,

Right?

So,

Well done.

Well done for seeing the ego there.

And so,

From Paul,

Very good question,

Where does agency come from?

Does it?

And I would say that agency is also an illusion,

To some degree,

To some degree.

I'm not suggesting that we're robots,

And I'm not suggesting like we're a piece of paper in the wind,

Just floating on by,

And there's just,

Oh,

We're just kind of going along.

Because to your point as well here,

Michelle,

Yes,

We're learning things along the way.

We're learning things here.

Absolutely.

There's memories,

And there's knowledge that's gained throughout our lives,

Experiences.

We're learning as we go,

No question.

And the decisioning keeps getting filtered through all of that,

Right?

And then the next decision is coming out.

And so,

It's all getting filtered through,

But there is nothing agency,

And I do have to be clear about definitions here.

So,

Paul,

Tell me if I'm on a different definition than you.

Typically,

When I hear agency or free will,

What I hear it as,

There's something independent here that is acting outside of the causal world.

And yet,

There is nothing here that is acting outside of causes and conditions.

Nothing.

Everything is simply arising,

Trillions of causes and conditions,

And changing moment by moment by moment.

And so,

It doesn't mean that,

Of course,

Knowledge is getting stacked on,

We gain in knowledge,

We learn certain things,

And then we're able to learn more things,

And then we're able to learn more things,

As we're doing on this path,

Right?

We're learning things.

We don't lose that information.

We're learning it.

We still have those memories,

And things are getting filtered through that again and again.

And as we're doing that,

As we're seeing things more clearly,

What's happening is the grasping is falling away.

The attachment to the idea of a solid,

Independent me is falling away.

And in its place is wisdom and compassion.

And it's just an easier way.

Life becomes suddenly a lot easier,

A lot more free.

And it's not that the decisioning becomes worse,

The decisioning becomes better.

Because so much of the time,

We're constantly,

Oh,

What should I do?

Should I do this?

Should I do that?

Should I do this?

Should I do that?

And there's so much stress.

And how many times then just the kind of all of a sudden,

The decision pops out,

Because like,

I just can't think about this anymore.

Because we put so much meaning in the end result that there was a me that was going to be a solid,

Independent me that's at the other side of this.

We put so much meaning in that.

I've got to make the right decision.

Many times we make the wrong decision.

I just want the donut instead.

I'm just going to go through the drive-thru instead.

I'm just going to hang up on them instead.

I'm just going to fire off this email,

This nasty email or something.

I need to get this all out,

Because we're so convinced of this solid,

Independent me here.

So it doesn't mean that we're not learning,

Like you're saying,

Michelle.

And this is what,

So my definition of free will,

And we do need to be clear about what the definition that I'm using here is that there is nothing independent,

Solid here,

Making a choice.

Nothing solid,

Independent here,

Making a choice.

Look for it.

There is a sense of it.

There is a strong sense of it.

The ego always comes in afterwards and said,

I did that.

I chose that.

And because we have this strong sense of me that we walk around with all the time,

This sense of a solid,

Independent acting on my own outside of this causal world,

Because we have that strong sense,

We just go along and believe it.

So that's what I mean by free will,

That no,

There is no free will.

I can't choose my likes or dislikes.

As I said,

I can't choose to like Diet Coke.

In fact,

Because I always use that example.

I actually like Coke Zero now.

In the last six months,

I've changed to Coke Zero.

I don't drink a lot of it.

And I don't drink it every day.

But I do like it.

I can't not like it.

I can't not like it.

I like it.

Now there can be days where I'll have one and days where I won't.

But I can't choose it.

I can't choose my likes or dislikes.

You can't choose whether you like a dharma talk or not,

Whether you like a teacher or not.

There's not a conscious choice.

Now,

You'll say,

I don't like it and turn this off.

But you couldn't choose to like or not like it.

You couldn't choose that.

I think it's Schopenhauer who said,

You know,

You are free to act on your will,

But you are not free to choose it.

Like,

Yes,

There can be a will,

Not free for something.

And because we live,

You know,

In conditions that yes,

This one can start moving towards and go get the Coke Zero.

But I didn't choose the will.

I didn't choose that.

And this is where we get very,

Very,

Very,

Very,

Very,

Very,

Very,

Very,

Very,

Very,

Very,

Very,

Very,

Very,

Very,

Very,

Very,

Where the ego hides in plain sight.

We're willing to see all these images of me as this or me as that and all,

None of those things are me.

But me as the decision maker,

Me as the one in control.

Then we go,

No,

That's me.

It's still the separate self.

It's still the ego.

It's still the ego.

It's still resistance.

And just,

Philippa,

And I'll go back to some of the other comments,

But you're right,

Like,

Like when we say we choose a particular political party,

You didn't choose that.

It was all the conditions of all the people around you,

Of how that all got filtered through your brain,

Your particular brain,

All that brain processing happening.

And then we go,

I choose,

I chose the right party and you chose the wrong party.

And think of how that changes our views when we realize,

Oh,

You're not,

You didn't choose your views and I didn't choose my views.

So why,

Why should I assume my views are right?

Or why should I hate someone because they have different views?

Or why should I put them down because they have different views?

They're simply the result of their causes and conditions.

It doesn't mean that something's not important to you in one of your views.

And it's like,

For me,

Animal rights,

A lot of that,

Like,

Yes,

I strongly support animal rights,

Women's rights.

And,

And so again,

I didn't choose that.

I didn't choose it,

But it's something that's important here.

And it feels good.

And I can do things,

Right,

To support candidates that,

That support those issues.

But not getting attached to it as,

Oh,

I'm here morally superior than someone else.

Because I didn't choose that view.

I'm grateful that that's the view.

I am grateful.

It seems like a much kinder view.

But I didn't choose it.

None of us chose our views.

None of us chose our likes or our dislikes,

Or the hobbies or the things that we do.

None of us chose any of this.

Choosing,

Happening.

So in that definition,

Paul,

And,

And,

And Michelle,

Because I think Michelle,

You also said about free will.

Yeah.

In that definition,

I would say that there,

There isn't in that definition,

There isn't in that definition.

But just to be clear,

Things are coming in,

Brain processing happening.

We're not like a piece of paper blowing in the wind,

Right?

Things are getting filtered through.

When things are getting filtered through in the brain processing,

And we're realizing there's nothing solid independent here,

There's no grasping.

The,

The decisioning that's coming out tends to be much more harmonious,

Much wiser,

Much more compassionate.

So it's either coming out,

If I think I'm the decision maker,

It's coming out through a lot of grasping,

A lot of attaching,

A lot of stress,

A lot of fear,

A lot of anxiety,

Or it's coming out without those things and saying,

Okay,

Brain processing happening here,

All the things I've learned,

All,

It's all being filtered through all of that,

But I'm not getting attached to the outcome.

And what generally happens is that what comes out generally is more in harmony than not.

That we tend to be,

Have greater peace and harmony within ourselves and with the environment,

With the people that we're around.

And so when there's a greater sense of peace and harmony,

It's like,

Yes,

Okay,

We're flowing,

We're flowing.

But if I think there's solid independent here,

I'm usually grasping.

So I wouldn't go,

Paul,

I wouldn't go to the surfer on the wave,

But just the wave,

Stay with the wave,

You're the wave,

The waves coming out of the ocean.

And why did the wave come out of the ocean?

Because of wind,

Because of a certain amount of energy moving through the water,

Maybe a boat going by,

Right?

So the wave comes out,

Wave not controlling where it's going.

The wave isn't complaining and saying,

Oh my God,

I'm going to hit the shore up ahead,

This is terrible,

Right?

It's just saying,

This is where it's going.

Enjoy the wave as it crests up,

As a surfer comes along it,

Doesn't have any problem with it.

And then the wave eventually hits the shore and it just goes back into the ocean,

Right?

So even the surfer,

When the surfer on the wave thinks it's making conscious free will choices,

In fact,

The surfer would tell you when they're not thinking at all,

They're doing better.

They're moving with the wave,

That there isn't any free will,

It's just a movement connecting with the wave.

I find that with kite surfing,

That when there's no thinking,

You're just,

You're moving with the water.

And it's much more fluid and there's a greater sense of ease and peace.

And then you fall off,

Something happens and it's just,

You laugh,

Ah,

Look what happened,

Look what happened.

So it's,

There's choicing happening,

No solid independent me making the choice.

So,

And Alice,

What you're saying,

And Elinon,

The will is out of personality,

Our habits,

Our experience,

Our behavior,

Our environment.

I would 100%,

That's what I'm saying,

Thank you,

100%.

Yes,

It's coming out of all of that.

That is exactly what I'm saying.

And where did our personality come from?

Our DNA,

Our parents,

How we were raised,

The people that we were around,

You know,

The choicing of the things that,

And the things that we like,

Right?

I like Vegemite because I am Australian,

Even though we,

I was born there,

But we grew up in the US,

But we always had Vegemite in the household.

All the rest of my friends thought Vegemite was the most disgusting thing in the world.

Now,

Had I not been brought up in an Australian house,

In America,

I would have thought Vegemite was disgusting as well.

So just,

You know,

What it is that I like,

We learned to play tennis when I was young,

We traveled a lot when we were young.

So traveling as an adult was something that was very natural as well.

Like,

Yes,

There's no fear around that,

Right?

And so all of this is all,

It is absolutely all of these things,

Our personality,

Our habits,

Our experience,

Our memories,

Every interaction we've ever had,

Each of us is arising in each moment,

In each and every moment,

A happening,

Not a thing,

Not the wave,

Not the wave saying,

I want to be the bigger wave.

I'll be so much happier when I'm the bigger wave.

I'll be so much happier when I'm a little bit back further down.

I'll be happier if I could just curve a little bit more like this,

While the wind and the energy and just all the momentum and all the other forces are pushing it along.

And it's sitting there trying to say,

But I should be doing this.

This is the thing,

Because we do have a brain,

Because we think,

And the brain is what is doing this.

The brain creates the image of a self in our mind,

Because it's useful,

It's helpful.

It's helpful for us to be able to imagine ourselves.

And even in decision-making processing and decisioning,

It's absolutely fine to be doing some simulating again,

To say like,

Would that be good?

Would that be good?

But not with the grasping and the attachment that there is something here making a decision,

Because all of a sudden the decision just comes,

Right?

We know this,

We've had something that we've needed to make a decision on.

There's a decisioning that's needed to be made.

There's a deadline,

There's something,

Fork in the road.

And all of a sudden,

The decision just comes out of nowhere,

Because there's all this stuff happening below the surface.

We don't know there's too many causes and conditions,

That all of a sudden it was just one thing that kind of put us over the edge and said,

Ah,

That's the way I'm going to go.

And then immediately after that,

The ego comes in and says,

I did that.

I claim ownership on that.

And we go,

Well,

Yes,

Of course,

I'm the one controlling all this.

And it's all an illusion.

It is all an illusion.

It's just processes happening.

Yes.

And just as you're saying,

Philippa,

Too,

And even our ancestors,

Our culture,

Our society,

The values of our society,

What's happening in the weather,

What's happening?

I mean,

It's amazing.

They say,

Actually,

They did an experiment with a study on judges to see how punitive their sentencing was,

Like an hour before lunch versus an hour after lunch.

And basically,

What they came up with was just to see,

And it's where this hangry,

The hunger makes you angry.

And the more hungry they became,

The closer they got to lunch,

The more tired they got of doing the cases.

What they were able to find was people that were in there for very similar things.

If they got the judge before the lunch versus after lunch,

The sentencing was much more punitive before lunch.

And then after lunch,

The judge was much more compassionate,

Much kinder,

Much able to see themselves like,

Oh,

Man,

He just needs a break.

Right?

And we can see this in so many things.

You know,

They say,

Don't ever ask for a raise on a rainy day.

Don't ask your for a raise on a rainy day.

Not likely to get it.

Don't ask your boss for a raise when they're rushing around stressed about something,

Not likely to get it.

Do it on a sunny day.

Do it on a day when you know that things are,

You know,

That they're feeling really good.

Don't try and press the point.

So I mean,

We know a lot of these things,

Just simple little things that we wouldn't,

You know,

Someone would say,

Oh,

I asked my boss for a raise,

He didn't give it to me.

And we kind of think he's such a jerk,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

We don't think about,

Well,

What are they going through?

What's the stress on their plate?

Why was that decision made?

It maybe had nothing.

It's not personal.

It's all impersonal.

And yet we're always,

We can pick out a few things and we can say these are some of the reasons and probably some of those reasons are valid.

But we can't know all of them.

We can't know all of them.

Oh,

That's interesting.

That's interesting,

Philippe,

But could be true.

You never know.

You never know.

You know,

We always think we know what's going on with other people that when we look at another person's life,

And we always assume that we can see everything,

We can't.

We can't know what's going on inside.

And yet we're always imputing,

Right?

We're always,

I mean,

We give meaning to everything.

We give meaning to everything.

We're,

You know,

One thing,

One day we could see,

You know,

We could see something as we're feeling really good and our neighbors being really loud or they're doing something,

Playing some loud music,

But we're feeling great.

We're on top of the world.

And we're just like,

Yeah,

This is great.

And we're kind of dancing.

The next day we didn't sleep well.

And now we're angry,

Right?

We give it all the meaning.

We give everything all the meaning.

And so this,

This is for you to see for yourself,

Right?

I do want to have the intellectual engagement over it,

Which I think is good for us to be able to discuss this,

To kind of give an intellectual understanding.

But it's absolutely,

You've got to see it.

There's such a sense that there is a solid,

Independent me here that's doing things.

And then again,

We go to this other extreme.

Well,

There's not a solid,

Independent me doing this,

Then I might as well do nothing.

Or how do I do anything?

Nothing is happening.

And that's again,

Just the ego throwing a little tantrum,

Just trying to get your attention over there.

Who would you be without me?

Who would you be?

How would you do this without me?

It's all happening anyway.

It's all happening.

It's just that we're imputing this idea that I independently over here,

I'm making all this happening.

I'm imputing that the weather is not affecting me.

I'm imputing that what my neighbor over there is not affecting me.

I'm imputing what the biology,

My hormones,

My neurotransmitters,

I'm assuming that none of that is affecting me.

Of course,

All of these things,

But none of it's personal.

None of it's personal.

It's all just happening.

It's all just happening.

This is,

In Buddhism,

Right view,

The first part of the Eightfold Path,

Seeing that everything is impermanent,

Including you.

Everything is ultimately dissatisfactory because everything is impermanent.

Everything is just arising and changing,

Just interconnected,

Interdependent,

Empty of inherent existence.

There is no inherent self,

No self.

That is at the heart of the Buddha's teachings.

There is no self.

Anywhere you can find an independent self through thought,

Not through looking,

You will also find suffering.

You will find attachment.

You will find grasping.

You will find craving.

You will find clinging.

You will find suffering.

This isn't just to say,

Well,

Let's just pretend there's not just to be happy.

This is about seeing the nature of reality,

Of seeing what you are not,

Not to become something else.

Because again,

If we're happening,

Coming in each moment,

Arising and changing moment by moment by moment,

There's nothing we could ever solidly become.

We're just a happening that's arising.

And this happening,

And this is what I want you to see,

This happening,

Each of us,

This happening,

We're happening,

Right?

But having this unique experience,

This unique view over here is Kathy,

Alice,

Philippe,

Are you all having your unique views,

Right?

The more that you can see the reality of how you are arising,

Interdependent,

Interconnected,

Impermanent,

The easier life is.

The more peace,

The more joy,

The freer you feel.

This is where the ego hides in plain sight,

And we will go to every length to defend it.

So I'm asking you,

Look,

Look for it and see for yourself.

There's a sense of me.

I get that.

A sense is not me though.

Look at what you have as the sense of me to see if there is really anything there.

If you can't find it,

That should be telling you something.

So Sherry,

Where you're asking,

There's definitely cause and effect,

Where does divine intervention and divine coincidence fit in?

Or is there no such thing if everything is just cause and effect?

I think the way,

And again,

Sherry,

Just so you know,

By the way,

My family calls me Sherry.

So my sister Libby here calls me Sherry.

That's my nickname.

So I wouldn't put anything,

I just wouldn't use those words.

Because when we make the words divine,

As though there's something separate from,

It's something separate from me.

I mean,

What this is,

We don't want to get into this idea of I'm me,

A human,

And yet there's divine,

There's something more divine out there.

Because whatever you would say is possibly divine,

How you might use that word divine,

Then I would say it's all divine.

I would say it's all divine.

I wouldn't say it as something different.

I wouldn't say it as something different.

And I would be,

I would,

Yeah,

I just wouldn't put it,

I wouldn't put it that way.

And the reason is that it's,

It just,

It's easy to get trapped and to get caught up in that.

And even when we,

Again,

We give,

We give all the meaning to everything,

Where none of it exists.

So we give the meaning that was a divine intervention,

That was a divine coincidence.

You know,

We don't know,

That was how things were arising in that moment.

I mean,

There's definitely,

I mean,

Again,

Of course,

There's all this cause and effect,

There's things we can't possibly know.

But,

You know,

And again,

The cause and effect does seem to break down when we get to a quantum theory level,

Right?

Because then it becomes about probabilities,

Right?

So I think there's also things we don't,

We can't possibly know.

But just personally,

I try to be very careful about adding something in the mix that creates some separation,

That that makes one moment more special than another,

Because this had some divine,

So I'm giving it more meaning,

Right?

Because if I can give this moment more meaning,

And there was divine intervention,

And I can feel good at home,

Me,

I had the divine intervention.

And then later,

When something unpleasant is happening,

It's like,

Oh,

Where's the divine intervention then?

So I would just caution,

Just that's kind how I,

To avoid the trap of suffering,

And to not get into this,

You know,

Divine,

God is separate from me,

Consciousness is separate.

It's all,

It's like the wave,

It's like the wave.

Thank you,

Paul,

For bringing up the wave analogy.

It's like the wave saying,

Oh,

Look,

This came along,

And all of a sudden I was rising,

The surfer came along,

And it became divine,

It's just surfer came along.

Like,

Not to be distinguishing,

You know,

Between divine or not divine,

It's just another way that the ego sets up separation.

You know,

It's the more divine,

And you know,

Where,

And I'm not saying you're doing this,

And again,

This is just,

I'm just telling you from the perspective here,

Okay?

Everyone has to take this for what works for them,

For what brings you greater peace and harmony,

And just that sense of freedom,

And that sense of openness,

Because that's what everything here that's being taught is about,

Having that sense of freedom.

And any time I start to put something a little more special on one moment,

Then oh,

Good,

Well,

Now there's something unspecial about this moment over here.

So I just,

I know,

I know,

I give everything meaning.

We do,

That's,

You know,

Course in Miracles.

We give all the meaning,

Right?

That's emptiness,

You know,

In Buddhism.

We impute what we want to impute on things,

And then we don't see how we get ourselves,

Again,

Just that little sneaky ego just comes in another back door,

But now I'm more divine,

And I just wouldn't get caught in that.

I would say if there was a way that if I was to use that word,

I would say the whole thing is divine.

This is all one big divine happening.

I would say it's like that.

The whole thing is divine,

And it is,

And it is.

It's amazing,

Right?

So I would put it more like that,

Not as there's,

Just personally,

That's how I would put it.

I hope that made sense.

Sherry,

I hope so.

Okay,

And I'll just go back,

Because I know there were a couple other comments here,

And sorry,

Sometimes when the comments come in,

I just jump on those.

Okay.

Yeah,

And Philippa,

Just to your point,

You're seeing decisions you make as karma,

Meaning action and a result,

And a stream of consciousness,

Yes,

That I would say it's just one thing leading after another,

One thing just,

You know,

Because this happened,

Then that happened,

You know,

There's sweatiness arising,

The shower arises,

Right?

Just not to get caught up in any decision maker behind it,

Just yeah.

And then again,

When you go in and you take the shower,

Like we don't realize that subtlety of I need to take a shower,

I made this decision.

It's this very subtle assumption of a sense of me here,

Solid and independent.

We get in the shower,

And all of a sudden the me is just thinking about what do I want to do after the shower,

Instead of,

Oh,

We're in the shower now.

Isn't that amazing?

Because we started in that direction,

And yeah,

It actually ended up in that direction.

And you're in the shower,

And it's like,

Feels good in the shower.

So we're never enjoying the decision maker.

There's always an idea that there's someone that's going to get this,

Get something out of it.

And of course,

We know what happens,

You get there,

And then it just starts up to the next thing.

Well,

Now I got to get through this because I got to get to the next thing.

And we don't even enjoy the shower,

Right,

The pleasant shower.

And I think what you're saying here,

Felipa,

Yeah,

It's the ego constantly telling us what to do.

And we go running around doing what it wants to do,

Because we're believing that voice and the grasping and the clinging,

And we believe it in every possible way.

And this is just another way of saying what you think is behind that voice,

The sense of just me,

The ego in general.

But all these ways that it comes up,

You need to be better,

So you need to get over there and do this,

You need to do that,

You need to get that,

You'll be happy if you get over there,

You're such an idiot,

You did that over there,

Right?

All this sense of it,

It's kind of,

We're running around frantic,

Trying to please.

This imaginary little,

You know,

This voice,

This thread,

This thought habit,

That is just a thought habit,

Just thoughts,

Little impulses,

Electrical impulses flying down a little neural pathway,

Right?

That's all.

And yet we make this image of a me out of it,

And so if I run over there,

I'll get this.

And then we get there and we're like,

Oh,

Now the carrot's got to be out there again.

This is what we're always doing,

The carrot's out there.

And this is what we're doing in spirituality,

Which we've been talking about a lot,

Right?

The carrot's always out there.

It's always,

I got to get a little more,

Got to get a little more spiritual,

Got to get a little more meditation,

Got to get a little more of this practice,

Got to get a little more of that.

And we go running because we've misidentified who we are.

All it takes is seeing in that moment,

Seeing,

Oh my God,

I was just so caught up in that.

And again,

That mindfulness and breathing into it and feeling and going,

And it starts to dissipate.

And you're like,

There was nothing solid here.

There was nothing solid here.

And in seeing it in the decision-making process,

In the decisioning,

It's just another big burden that we unload,

Right?

We're always thinking,

I always find it like if I'm in the gym and it's like,

Oh,

Do I want to do one more thing or do I not?

And then it's like,

Oh,

No decision-maker,

Let's just see where it goes,

Right?

And then the moment I catch it,

It's inevitably,

Yeah,

I go for one more set of something or I'll do one more thing,

Right?

And it's not with suffering like,

Oh,

I'm going to do one more because I have to,

Because I'd be bad if I didn't,

Right?

It's not with this heavy burden.

It's like,

Oh,

Look,

Look,

She's going,

Look,

She's grabbing the weight,

She's doing it.

And there's just a spaciousness with it,

Right?

That you recognize it and it's just like,

Yeah,

Yeah,

There was nothing here making a decision.

But in that kind of way that we talk to ourselves in making the decision,

Should I,

Shouldn't I?

Will I feel happier doing that?

Will I feel unhappy doing that?

Should I do this instead?

We don't realize all the suffering that happens.

And in all that back and forth,

It's exhausting.

The next thing I'm out the door,

I've left the gym.

Because it's exhausting trying to think about what I'm going to do next.

And in that stress of it,

Then inevitably,

The thing that I'm doing that actually does feel good,

I end up leaving.

So I think I'll just go get a Diet Coke instead.

Coke zero,

Right?

We just run out the door.

Tracy is describing your average day,

14 hours of maniacally going from one task to the next and the next.

Don't do something,

Just sit there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because also we're trying to find stillness through activity and you can't,

Right?

Just sit,

Just sit.

And if you're sitting like Michelle,

So what you're saying,

Like the flow of the towel,

Which I think,

I think I know a little bit,

I think this is the same thing.

You know,

It's like if the flow is sitting in that moment,

The flow is sitting,

Right?

It's just,

You're unburdened,

You're unburdened.

And we are running from one task to the next,

One thing to the next,

Right?

Because also behind the doing,

We think there's a doer.

But the moment you also shine the spotlight on the doer,

Oh,

Just a doing.

Let me drop those extra 10 pounds because I'm not at the gym right now.

I don't need to be carrying around those extra 10 pounds,

Right?

Which were emotional pounds,

Which were mental pounds.

Those are the heaviest pounds.

There's no benefit.

Your bones don't get any stronger.

Your muscles don't get any stronger.

You just get weaker.

You just,

There's just a weakness that's arising.

Yeah,

So I think,

I think I might have covered everyone's questions here.

Yeah,

Felipa,

Just a great thing too on the strawberries.

So do this as well.

So as,

So I'm going to actually,

I'm just going to go into our instructions because of the time.

I am going to go into our instructions.

I did assume we would have a decent amount of discussion on this topic.

Something like that,

You have a bowl of strawberries.

Maybe you have some strawberries,

You have some blueberries,

Or you have a glass of orange juice,

And you have a glass,

A cup of tea.

Two things that you equally like,

Like I would not put in front of me a Coke Zero and a Diet Pepsi.

I know 100% what I'm going to reach for.

It's the Coke Zero.

Not because there's free will,

But because I know that's the habit of this one.

It would reach for a Coke Zero.

But if you can put two kind of equal food objects in front of you,

And again,

Just watch your hand going for one versus the other,

Like you'll say,

Oh,

It's going here,

It's going there.

And just watch.

There's no sense of me.

There's no surfer on the wave.

It's just the way,

Ah.

And it's a really good way to see.

It's a really good way to see that the sense of me,

What we've taken to be the sense of me,

Is not,

And it is not,

It's pointing to an independent solid me,

But it is just an illusion.

It is no different than the idea of the spiritual me.

It's no different of the idea of the successful me.

It's no different than the idea of the loser me,

Of the unworthy me,

Of the stupid me.

It's just a thought created,

A habit that arises.

We take it to be so solid,

So real,

So independent,

So who I am.

And the decision maker is just another way that it just hides in plain sight,

In plain sight.

And I'll just,

Is that Paul also?

Paul,

Yeah.

I'll just address your question here real quick before.

Oh,

Okay.

Thank you on the settings on the tab thing for that,

Paul.

Maybe you're a good person.

You and Alice,

You and I need to get together.

So,

You know,

It's interesting through the philosophy of this and something more romantic.

And I get what you're saying about that.

I mean,

Again,

We impute the romanticism.

But there,

It's literally there are two models that I'm at least proposing here.

There's the material model,

The individual model,

The I'm the center of the universe,

I'm separate,

I'm independent.

I am acting here independently.

Sure,

A lot of me is acting in this causal relationship,

But there's something here that is ultimately independent,

Separate from that,

And therefore has free will,

Independent from everything else.

Just a little small part of me,

A little nudge.

And in this mode,

I need everyone to please me.

No one can ever say the wrong thing to me.

What everyone's doing,

It's all how it affects me.

I can judge other people.

I can judge myself.

I can suffer.

A lot of suffering in that model.

That's where all of our suffering is coming from.

Or the reality,

What every scientist would tell you,

Not just Buddhist,

Not just the Buddha,

That everything in this universe is arising interdependently,

Interconnected.

Everything,

That there is nothing solid and independent here.

And in that way,

What I see is I'm a part of the universe.

I'm not the center of it.

So what my neighbor is doing over there,

And when I see it in that view,

I'm not upset.

I'm a part of the universe.

I'm not the center of it.

And all of this suffering goes away.

And I would argue that that is far more,

If we want to impute something on it,

Romantic,

Far more intimate,

Far more free in that like,

Yeah,

This is all just happening.

And I am a part of this.

My little note over here,

This arising,

Having this unique view and experience,

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what's happening over here.

But nothing solid and independent here.

Nothing.

I've looked,

I've looked,

I've looked.

And I'm asking you to look and look and look,

To see for yourself.

Is there something solid and independent?

And in this,

For our retreat today,

Can you find the decision maker?

I know you have a sense of a decision maker.

Can you find the decision maker?

And yes,

Michelle.

Yes.

Unconditional compassion and love.

Absolutely.

Like this is,

We do all the compassion practices,

And they really help to open our hearts.

And as we're opening our hearts,

We're becoming wiser.

But this is genuine compassion,

Unconditional.

Right?

There's no one to blame,

No one to hate,

No one to judge.

Doesn't mean we can't judge some behavior and think,

Yeah,

And I wouldn't want to do that,

Or I don't want to be around that.

But not the person.

Not the person.

They're just the result of their causes and conditions.

And if I had all their causes and conditions,

Every choicing that happened along the way,

That's how it happened.

That was how it was going to happen.

I couldn't have done anything different with all those causes and conditions.

So Paul,

I'm going to ask you,

Is this Paul M.

,

Did you email me earlier this week?

Will you send me a message later?

Would you mind?

Not this afternoon,

Because I'm going to ask you not to be on technology other than this.

But would you send me a message yesterday or later,

Maybe with your email,

And perhaps we could hop on a little call for a few moments together,

Like a Zoom or something,

And see what's going on with the audio.

So I'm just going to give some parameters for the personal part of the retreat,

Because now you're going to have,

Well,

Two hours and 10 minutes.

So wherever you happen to be in the world,

If you wouldn't mind,

Or just kind of check whatever your time is right now,

Two hours and 10 minutes,

If you can come back and join us,

That would be great.

So just we can come back and have further discussions after having the time for you to really look yourself,

Look for the decision maker.

So normally,

When we're doing the personal retreats,

I always tell you,

Have a schedule,

Have a schedule,

Have a schedule.

It's so important to have a schedule.

For this one,

I'm going to say,

Don't have a schedule.

And yet we are still going have some parameters of how we want to be spending our time.

Is our retreat time still?

So what's not on our schedule?

What's not on there?

Anything that involves the internet,

Other than coming on the live event,

Coming back here.

So no social media,

I would ask,

Don't read anything.

We don't have a lot of time for you to be on your own.

We don't want to just get lost in a book.

For longer retreats,

You can read Dharma books,

But I would ask you not to read anything.

So nothing with the phone.

If you can to not engage with other people,

If that's possible within your household,

If there are other people in your household,

Maybe just go and tell them,

Like,

Hey,

I'm just going for the next couple hours,

And I'm going to try and practice noble silence.

If it's your partner,

If it's your children,

Tell them,

Hey,

As soon as I'm done,

We're going to go do something fun for you.

We always want to balance that out with the people that are in our lives.

We don't want to make our practice something that other people start to resent.

We want to see that,

Oh,

Yeah,

Okay,

You go do this,

And then we're going to go get ice cream afterwards.

Fantastic.

So if you need to have a conversation,

Go have that conversation with someone.

And then the things that we can be doing,

And you can write these down at least,

You can have them just written down,

That of course,

Some meditation,

Some sitting meditation.

Don't do any guided meditations,

Just sitting.

You can use the insight timer bell.

You can do some walking meditation.

You can do some mindful movements,

Some mindful yoga,

Some mindful tai chi or qigong,

A mindful walk through nature.

And in fact,

If you're doing a walk through nature where you're pretty sure you're not going to run into anyone,

I mean,

Maybe you can't control it completely.

But,

You know,

That's a great place to be looking around and seeing how interconnected and interdependent everything is.

Notice as you start walking down one path versus another,

When do I turn around?

Like,

It just happened.

It's all just happening.

There was no decision maker.

And as the choicing is happening,

So you come off this call,

You might find,

As I think I will probably be doing,

I think the choicing would be happening in the direction of a little bit of mindful movement after sitting for a while,

Right?

And so just noticing again,

As you're going to,

Oh,

There's some mindful movement that wants to take place.

Notice that kind of that freedom that comes from just decisioning happening,

No decision maker.

And as you're doing some movement,

Right?

Maybe it starts to,

Oh,

Should I stop now?

Oh,

Just notice that again.

Oh,

No decision maker.

Let's see.

Let's see what happens.

The more you can have that,

Let's see.

Remember,

We're not making any,

You know,

We're starting this on some very,

You know,

Very light decisions.

There's not any heavy consequences for this.

So making it a little bit easier for you,

Right?

It's just,

Do I stop doing mindful movement?

And do I go sit for a while?

Do I just go sit and stare at the trees,

The bird,

Listen to the birds?

So they're not heavy decisions by any means.

And yet,

You're going to have two hours of different options of things to be doing.

And so you'll be able to see,

Like,

When the mindful movement wants to stop,

It's stopping.

And then there's a walking,

Oh,

Maybe,

Oh,

Look,

We're walking through the kitchen,

Going to the fridge.

Oh,

Okay,

I guess there's some,

Looks like there's some eating taking place,

Right?

And just noticing just again and again,

No decision maker,

Just happening.

It's just happening.

Notice how much freer you feel,

How much lighter you feel,

How much more spaciousness and at ease you feel.

And then notice when the decisioning wants to come in and how all of a sudden the contraction and the resistance is back.

And then you pull it out.

And then you,

Oh,

There it is.

Breathe into it.

Don't forget your mindfulness practice.

Feel it.

Oh,

This is the belief that there's a decision maker here.

And breathe and feel it.

Oh,

Notice how it dissipates.

There was nothing solid there.

It was just a sense of me making a decision and not questioning it.

And again,

Not even questioning that this belief in a decision maker,

How much tension and suffering it was causing.

So just to keep noticing it and noticing how you're feeling.

And you can do a little journaling as well.

So journaling,

Of course,

Can be on your list of things to do,

But just to make sure it's things that are more contemplative or just you're being present.

There can be movement.

There can be sitting.

There can be walking.

There can be walking in nature.

And if you run into someone in nature,

You don't have to be like,

Oh,

I can't talk on a retreat.

Just,

You know,

Stop for a moment.

That's what's happening,

Right?

We don't have to make everyone feel weird about what it is that we're doing.

If you do run into someone,

Just,

Hey,

How are you doing?

Good to see you.

Yeah,

I'm just kind of doing this retreat right now.

I'm going to keep walking and great to see you and,

You know,

Don't turn it into anything.

And just see,

Just keep questioning what it is that you,

This sense of me that's making the decisions,

And see how that changes.

See how it changes your afternoon,

Your evening,

Your morning.

See how your heart opens up,

What you notice.

So let's just,

For just a couple of minutes,

Let's just close our eyes.

We'll just start us off with like a four-minute meditation before I leave you to your personal retreat.

So just close your eyes and just feel your breath moving through your body.

And just noticing how you're feeling right now without pushing anything away.

Just becoming aware of how the body feels,

How the mind feels.

If there is any tension,

Just maybe breathe a little more deeply,

Create some space,

Open up for it.

And we're never trying to push away what it is that we're feeling.

We're always trying to come closer to become more aware.

Even when we're opening up the breath for what's here,

It's to create space for what's here,

Not to push it away.

The more aware we become of our feelings,

Of our emotions,

And the more that we allow them to be,

Giving them space to be,

What we find is they'll just naturally move on,

On their own.

So we never have to fear what it is that we're feeling.

We just become aware and we move closer to it.

And just a couple more breaths here.

And as we begin to come out of the meditation,

With a big inhale,

Take your arms up over your head with a big stretch at the top.

And as you exhale,

Gently lower your arms and slowly open your eyes.

Okay.

So we know what we're going to be doing,

Or we know what our options are.

I should say,

We know what our options are for the retreat.

And maybe just write them all down.

Again,

Sitting meditation,

Walking meditation,

Walking in nature,

Mindful movement,

Mindful eating,

Mindful just sitting and doing nothing,

Just listening to the birds.

And just notice as you kind of look and go,

Ah,

Okay,

I see that the happening is moving in this direction.

Oh,

Now it's moving in this direction.

And just notice how much more fluid it is,

How much more open you feel,

How much less burdened you feel.

And anytime that decisioning,

Excuse me,

The decision maker wants to come in and claim,

Or again,

So should I stop doing this?

Should I do that?

Right?

It's like,

Oh,

We're thinking like,

I wouldn't know how to stop this if I wasn't thinking about it.

You would.

Surprisingly,

You would.

And so just to notice that,

Oh,

There it is again.

There it is.

And so there's some,

You know,

Imminent decision to be made.

It will be made.

And just to keep looking and noticing,

I'll feel that.

It always,

When you're thinking about the decision,

When you're claiming the decision,

There is always a sense of me with it.

There's always a contraction.

That's what we take to be,

You know,

The contraction,

Giving that solid feeling,

The me.

So come,

Oh,

There it is.

You breathe,

Feel it.

And now it just dissipates.

Oh,

I guess there was nothing solid,

Independent there.

I guess there was no decision maker.

It felt like it.

It was pointing to it.

But in fact,

When I looked,

I couldn't find it.

And then to see for yourself that how much smoother and easier and lighter things become,

Are you flowing more peacefully,

More harmoniously?

If so,

That's pretty good,

Right?

Pretty good.

So,

Okay.

So we will meet back here in two hours.

There is a separate live event on my teacher's page for the closing session.

And hopefully some of you will be able to come back and join us for that.

Okay.

So thank you guys.

Thank you,

Philippa.

Thank you,

Vega and Michelle and Alice and Paul,

Both Pauls and Tracy and Sherry.

And on both Michelles,

Thank you guys so much and Kathy.

And I do hope and Libby and Lynn.

And I hope that we will see you guys back here in a couple of hours when we finish up the retreat.

Okay.

Oh,

Three Michelles.

Oh,

Janine,

You are here.

And I know you've got to go to your shift,

But I'm glad you were here for the first part.

Good.