The Trap Of Becoming: Learning To Accept The Imperfect You

When we come to a spiritual path,

I think many of us come here,

We want to reduce our stress,

We're trying to be more present,

We want to be a little calmer,

A little bit more peaceful.

And it's kind of,

We kind of get this image in our mind that somehow what we're doing here,

There's going to be a better me at the end of this.

And so we kind of bring that self-improvement mindset to the path,

Where very subtly as we're doing our practices,

We keep thinking that the peace and happiness we're seeking is still somewhere out in the future,

That the better me that's going to be peaceful and happy is still somewhere out in the future,

That when I become more disciplined with my meditation,

When I start meditating longer,

When I can get into deeper states,

When I can,

Once I understand the wisdom teachings better,

Then I'll be that more peaceful,

Calmer,

Better version of me.

And so we get very attached to this idea that there's something that I'm going to become on this path.

And in Buddhism,

This is called the trap of becoming.

So this idea that we're always imagining ourselves in the future,

That once I get somewhere,

Once I get something,

Once I complete something,

Then I'm going to finally be this idealized,

Better version of me,

And then I can start living life.

And so this is what we've been doing,

Of course,

Our whole lives,

Where we've been,

You know,

I've got to finish school so I can get a job,

I want to get a job,

And then I want to get promoted.

I want to get the,

You know,

You want to get the partner,

You want to get your partner to change,

You want to go on the retreat,

You want to,

You know,

Take this new course,

You want to read this new book.

And there's always this idea that on the other side of that,

Somewhere I'm going to land as this better,

Idealized version of myself.

And you would think,

After 30,

40,

50,

60,

70 years of doing this,

That we would finally have arrived at that ideal version of ourselves.

And yet we never do.

And that's the point.

We don't.

We never get there.

It's always just a little bit ahead of us.

And yet we spend so much of our time,

So much of our lives,

Imagining how we're going to be in the future,

How we're going to live our lives in the future as this new,

Better version of me,

How much more interested we are in that than we are in the reality of the living,

Breathing me that's right here now.

And so there is a bit of a paradox on this path,

Because we do become more peaceful,

We do become calmer,

Less stressed,

Happier.

But it's not because we became anything.

It's not because we became some perfect version of ourselves.

It's because we realized that was never going to happen.

Because what's growing inside of us through our practice is the wisdom of understanding that everything changes.

That one day,

Everything's going along smoothly.

Everything we're saying is just coming out of our mouth so perfectly.

We're not making any gaps.

We're not having any uncomfortable moments.

Everything's working.

And then the next day,

Everything falls apart.

Nothing we say is right.

Everything we touch seems to get messed up.

And of course,

The self-improvement part of this would say,

Well,

How can this be happening?

Because I'm meditating,

This shouldn't be happening.

But meditation isn't about protecting us from change.

It's opening us up to change.

That life is always changing.

Our relationships are always changing.

Our thoughts,

Our feelings,

Our emotions,

Our conditions,

Always changing.

We're always changing.

There is nowhere for us to get to,

To become one thing.

Nowhere that we could get to and land.

And yet we get trapped in this cycle of wanting to become something better.

If I can just work a little bit harder,

If I can just not say the wrong thing,

If I can just not make any mistakes,

Then I can finally be this better person that we never end up becoming.

We spend all this time striving for it,

And we never get there.

And at the same time,

Because we are striving for some level of perfection that doesn't exist,

What we're doing is saying that I can't accept who I am with my imperfections,

With my flaws,

With my gaffes,

With my humanness.

And so,

While there is definitely suffering in wanting to be something else,

Of trying to become some idealized version of ourselves,

There is a lot of suffering as well in denying who it is that we are,

That we can't live with ourselves if we're imperfect.

And that doesn't mean that,

Of course,

That we're not doing things,

You know,

By going on a spiritual path,

That you're not reading books,

That you're maybe with a therapist,

You're talking about some things that have been patterns that have been playing out in your life that haven't been particularly healthy,

That haven't been bringing you the results that you want.

So yes,

We still do things,

We do inner work,

We meditate,

We come to our Sunday Sangha,

Journal,

We do all of these things.

But always very mindful of that little subtle whisper that wants to come in and start to say,

Well,

Then once you get all this done,

Then you're finally going to be this better person,

This more perfect version.

Because if we're not mindful of that,

That as we're doing the work,

Again,

We keep putting off our happiness as though I can't be happy until I'm finally fixed.

But we're always a work in progress,

We're always changing.

But also,

It's this disappointment that when we then make a mistake,

When we screw up in some way,

When we say the wrong thing,

When we have a moment of,

You know,

Where we weren't our best versions of ourselves,

Right,

There's such disappointment,

Because we were so believing that we were finally going to be perfect.

And we're not able to be with the reality that we're not perfect,

Because everything changes.

And intellectually,

We understand this,

That no one could be one thing,

No one could be perfect.

Right?

We see this in our friends.

All of our friends have flaws.

And yet we love them.

And quite frankly,

If they didn't have flaws,

We wouldn't be able to relate to them.

And it would be unbearable to be around them if they were perfect.

And so our friends have flaws,

And we accept them with their flaws.

But we don't accept ourselves with our flaws.

Or when our friend screws up,

When they make a mistake,

And they come to us,

And they're upset about something,

And someone's blaming them,

And they're just so distraught about it.

I mean,

What do we do in that moment?

We open our arms,

We say,

Come here,

Let's talk about it.

What happened?

Oh,

My God,

I'm so sorry.

Yeah,

I get that's not how you wanted it to go,

Wanted it to play out.

I get that wasn't your intention.

Yeah,

You bring kindness and compassion,

You allow them to talk it out in a way that helps them feel comforted and cared for.

And yet,

When we screw up,

When we make a mistake,

We think,

Oh,

I should have known better.

Why did I do that again?

How can I stop myself from doing this again?

I know better than this.

So we let others make mistakes,

And we bring compassion and kindness.

But when we do it,

We should have known better.

We let our friends feel what's here,

Be with what's here,

Let them cry in front of us,

Let them get angry.

We give them the space to feel their feelings.

And then we stuff our own feelings down.

And so I think this is the part of becoming that we don't see very often,

Or we don't recognize what's kind of simmering below the surface,

We think it's kind of innocuous,

This idea of just,

Oh,

No,

I'm trying to become something better.

Isn't that a good thing?

And again,

With some nuance,

Like,

It's not a bad thing to want to improve ourselves.

But if it's at the expense of accepting who we are,

And that thinking that we're no longer going to have flaws,

Or that we're going to be perfect going forward,

That we're never going to make a mistake,

Then I think it's to our detriment.

And so to step out of the trap of becoming,

We need to learn how to relate to ourselves differently.

Not with striving to be something,

But with compassion,

With self-compassion.

Learning to be with our feelings of hurt,

With our feelings of disappointment,

With our feelings of unworthiness.

Because this is how we break the pattern of beating ourselves up,

By actually being with our feelings,

Learning how to be with what's here.

And I think sometimes in self-compassion,

When people hear this,

That we come to our hurt,

We come to our pain,

We come to our grief,

We come to our suffering with kind words,

Right?

We talk to ourselves in a way that's very soothing,

Petting ourselves,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That was really painful.

Yes,

Sweetheart,

That really hurt.

You know,

Sweetheart,

That wasn't your best moment,

Right?

Or this is just really tough.

Yeah.

So we kind of talk to ourselves in a way,

And in the second and third person,

Really the most effective way.

And we pet ourselves in a way that's soothing and comforting.

Sometimes I think we hear this and we think that,

Okay,

Well,

I came in and I told myself,

I acknowledged the hurt,

I acknowledged the pain.

And we think that we're just supposed to jump immediately over to happiness again.

Like,

Oh,

It didn't work.

I said the nice words,

I petted myself,

But it didn't work.

But self-compassion is about bringing us into our experience with what's here.

And if hurt is here,

If pain is here,

If sadness is here,

If disappointment is here,

If unworthiness is here,

Then we're using the kind language,

The kind self-talk,

The soothing language and the comfort of touch to help us come into our experience,

To get out of the beating up mode,

The default of which we always fall into,

And come in to comfort ourselves.

Right?

So as we talk kindly,

Now we're kind of getting out of the judging,

The beating ourselves up,

The criticizing ourselves.

And we start to come in and we feel what's here.

So we're no longer caught up in it,

We come into what's here.

And as we've discussed many times,

As you breathe and you feel what's here,

And you say,

Oh,

Hurt,

It's okay that you're here.

It's okay.

You know,

You can talk to the hurt.

What is it that you need right now?

What do you need hurt?

Right?

Just need some space.

Maybe I just need some care.

Yeah,

I can bring all this to you.

You've got my attention.

I can be here with you.

Right?

And then you can talk to a little bit more from the first person,

But in a way that helps us to be with it so that it breaks us up from the denying what happened,

The kind of trying to solve the solution on the outside.

If only I hadn't said that.

If only I could get them to see it this way.

If only I hadn't done that.

It's like,

Well,

You did.

It happened.

And maybe,

Maybe an apology is needed.

Maybe something is needed to be done in the external,

And that's fine,

But still come in first with self-compassion.

Because we know if we go to apologize immediately,

Right,

It's just we're kind of hoping the person will forgive us so that we can feel better about ourselves.

Instead of helping us to feel better about ourselves,

Recognizing,

Yeah,

We're going to make mistakes.

We're going to say the wrong thing from time to time.

Like,

It's just going to happen.

It doesn't matter if you're a meditator,

Doesn't matter if you're a teacher.

It doesn't matter if you're a spiritual person.

Like,

Everybody does this.

So we're always going to feel disappointment.

We're going to feel hurt.

We're going to feel like we got taken advantage of.

We can't control for that,

Especially imagining that there's going to be some idealized,

Perfect version of me that's never going to be affected by these things again.

Because of course we're going to be affected by these things.

This is what it is to be human.

We're never going to find perfection.

That's not what this path is about.

It is not about finding perfection.

It's about accepting that we are not perfect.

We are always changing,

Always changing.

And living in tune with the nature of reality is the recognition of that,

That yeah,

Some days everything goes great.

Just everything comes out of the mouth beautifully.

Everything you touch goes great,

Right?

Have gratitude on those days.

Like,

Yay,

For whatever the conditions were,

Everything went well.

Because it's going to change.

It's going to change.

Don't get attached to that.

Don't get attached to some image,

Oh now see I'm perfect,

And look how everything's going.

Because what really matters is when things start to fall apart,

When we start making mistakes,

How do we respond then,

Right?

Because then when we respond with compassion to whatever it is that's going on,

The uncertainty that we're feeling in that moment,

Because maybe you made some big changes in your life recently with your job,

With your partner,

And now you're feeling like,

Oh my God,

I feel the uncertainty of that.

Did I do the right thing?

Did I not do the right thing?

And we're so focused on wanting to find the solution through our thoughts,

Not realizing that,

You know,

I could come in and feel the uncertainty.

I can come in and feel the doubt,

The doubt of my decision,

And breathe and feel it,

And allow myself to rest in the uncertainty,

Allow myself to rest in the doubt,

Because that's part of being human as well.

And then we're not setting up ourselves that,

You know,

Oh if I didn't make the right decision,

Now I can't be happy again.

How can I reverse this?

Or if only I'd done that,

And kind of getting into this idea again,

That until I can become this person then that always makes perfect decisions,

Until I can be this person that never makes mistakes,

I can't be happy.

I can't be at peace.

I can't live with myself if I don't always do the right thing.

And so what we're doing here is not,

So with self-compassion,

Self-compassion is bringing into our experience,

Helping us to feel what's here,

To feel our wounds,

To feel our unworthiness,

To feel our doubt,

To feel our insecurities.

Whatever it is,

It's to be with it.

Because in the compassion that we bring is the wisdom that is also growing within us.

That's the practice.

It's not a theoretical practice that we've got to bring the compassion to ourselves.

We can't just have it for others.

We have to have it for ourselves first.

And I think that the more that we genuinely bring more self-compassion to ourselves,

Not that we're not going to have the habit of wanting to judge first,

Or the habit of,

Oh,

I can't believe I did that,

Or the habit of walking away from a conversation and kind of wanting to replay it and thinking,

Oh,

No,

No,

No,

No,

I shouldn't have said that.

And we didn't hurt anyone.

It's just how we're perceiving it in that moment.

It's to recognize,

Oh,

There it is again.

There it is.

Oh,

Sweetheart.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Let's just be here and enjoy.

You had a nice conversation.

Let's not start picking it apart.

We know how that ends up,

Right?

You can talk to yourself in a way that guides you through it,

Right,

To break the pattern.

Or there's some trigger because often we're just,

It's just been such a habit.

It's been such a default for us to beat ourselves up,

To doubt ourselves,

To question ourselves,

To feel as though we're somehow unworthy or unlovable or we're just not enough.

It's just such a habitual pattern.

I mean,

Sometimes nothing even has to be happening.

It's just that feeling arises,

Right?

It just kind of gets triggered.

It's been a while.

It's been a few hours.

We need to start doubting ourselves again or thinking badly or judging or something.

And so it starts to arise.

And so,

Again,

It's not that it's not going to come up.

It's that how do you meet it?

How do you meet it?

So to not think on this path to,

Oh,

You've been meditating 10 years,

20 years,

30 years.

And so these feelings should stop arising by then.

No,

It's just how do you meet them?

And I do find that the more that you meet your feelings,

Your emotions with compassion and kindness and care,

That finally giving them the attention that they deserve,

That we've not been giving them because we've been minimizing them for so long,

We've been pushing them down,

We've been distracting ourselves from them,

That the more that we bring our attention to it,

Which attention,

I mean,

Bringing our attention to something,

To another being,

To another person,

Think of how loving that is,

Right?

Think of how distressing it is when we're with someone and they're not giving us our attention.

And so this is what we have been doing to our feelings and emotions.

So the more that we give our attention to our feelings and emotions and really open to them and be vulnerable and tender in that moment of opening to what's here,

Because they get our attention,

Because they get the care and the comfort that is needed,

Then over time,

It starts to come up less or it's less frequent.

And the intensity is much less because you feel that wave coming on.

And what starts to become the default,

What starts to become the new pattern is self-compassion,

Right?

Bringing compassion,

Bringing wisdom,

To what's here.

So on this path,

Yes,

We are becoming more peaceful,

We are becoming calmer,

We're becoming less stressed,

Less anxious,

Less,

Less.

But we are nowhere here becoming something and definitely not something that is perfect.

It's acknowledging our flaws.

Again,

It's the walking away from even having put our foot in our mouth and just thinking,

No one was hurt.

Laughing at ourselves,

Having a little self-compassion,

A little like,

Yeah,

Just not your best moment,

Meredith,

Let's keep going,

You know,

You didn't hurt anyone,

It was a little embarrassing,

Okay,

Right?

And then,

And that is freedom,

Not to be perfect,

Not to become something that we can't become,

But to be,

To have just the compassion to be humans,

The compassion to be who we are,

To allow ourselves the grace that we give to so many others,

And yet we don't give to ourselves.

It is this striving for perfection,

This kind of constant,

Like,

I've got to improve myself,

I've got to improve myself.

And again,

It's nuanced,

Because of course,

What we are doing is,

You know,

Changing the way we are with ourselves,

And then changing the way we are with others.

And I would say that,

Yes,

That is an improvement,

But not because we became anything.

I think it's because we recognize that we can't be one thing,

That we can't be perfect,

We can't always say the right thing.

We can't always be the good friend,

The great friend,

We can't always be the person that is generous and can help out,

Like sometimes,

That's just not,

You know,

What's arising in that moment,

And to have compassion and kindness for ourselves in that moment.

So,

I know I always offer up whenever,

I mean,

Every talk,

I kind of bring up some of our practices,

And I always offer up self-compassion as one of our practices.

And it's one of,

I would say,

Well,

Probably most of you are familiar with it,

It's very underutilized in my experience,

Because almost every time I get a text from someone,

Or someone's reaching out in some way,

And they're distressed,

It's almost,

I mean,

I'm always saying,

Can you sit with what's here,

Can you have some compassion,

Some kindness for yourself?

It's like we just,

We forget it so quickly,

So quickly,

It goes out,

It goes out the window,

It doesn't even come in the window for a moment,

We just,

We forget it.

And so,

This is where it's a good reminder,

It's a good reminder for us to put it in the context of this,

Of what we think we're becoming,

We're not becoming a thing,

There is no becoming a thing,

But we are changing in the way in which we are relating to ourselves here.

And so,

Just to remember with self-compassion,

It is an incredibly powerful practice,

Incredibly powerful,

To just help us get out of that striving to be something other than what we are.

You know,

We make mistakes,

We have good moments,

We have bad moments,

We trip and fall,

And you know,

That's part of being human,

It's part of being human.

So,

We are always evolving,

We're always changing,

And I think the less attached we get to any kind of idea of who we think we can be,

Even an enlightened being,

Again that,

Like again,

Just another image,

You know,

To kind of see that for the fallacy that it is,

We've all been trying to become something our whole lives,

Hopefully we've stopped the last few years,

But we were all definitely trying it before we got on the spiritual path,

And then often on the spiritual path,

We still kind of bring that striving to it,

So just in recognizing that.

So,

Recognizing when you're lost in that,

And you can just bring a little self-compassion in,

Just to be with what's here,

It may not be an unpleasant feeling,

Or it's going to have a little bit of unpleasant feeling,

Any kind of craving does,

But just to even recognize that,

Because every time you're getting lost in that,

You're stuffing down the other feelings,

Or the unworthiness,

And so just,

Yeah,

Being mindful of when the less than perfect moments are arising,

And just responding with compassion,

Just remembering more self-compassion.

Okay,

So I hope that we can remember that more in our practice,

More self-compassion.

Hi Chris,

Good morning,

Glad you're here.

Hi Amy,

Michelle,

And I think that's Lori?

Yeah,

Lori,

Good to see you.

Yeah,

So how often are people practicing self-compassion?

Ask yourself that.

I mean,

For the amount of time,

Or the frequency in which we judge and criticize ourselves,

It should be a daily practice.

It should be a daily practice.

Yeah,

See,

Yeah,

It's self-care,

Yeah,

The value of it.

And Ruth,

So,

Okay,

Great,

You're being honest,

Not as often as you would like,

Okay.

Alice,

A whole lot out of necessity.

Good,

I mean,

We all need it out of necessity.

And so,

Just maybe this is a good reminder of this practice,

Of how powerful it is to be kind to ourselves.

We know how demoralizing it is when we beat ourselves up,

Right?

Just a little thought can pop into our head about,

I should be further along by now,

I should be,

I mean,

At my age,

Still doing these things,

Right?

We kind of have this ridiculous narrative,

And have no problem spending hours beating ourselves up.

And so,

For every one of those situations,

A little self-compassion.

Yeah.

Yeah,

So,

Philippa,

You're saying a daily practice,

It took a while,

And you're far happier because of it.

Yeah.

And it does take a while for this to become a daily practice.

We just forget the default is so ingrained in us to just beat ourselves up,

As though somehow that's making us better.

And for most of the stuff that we're beating ourselves up about,

Nothing's happened.

Nothing's happened.

It's just how we're perceiving it in our minds,

Right?

I mean,

Five people walk away from a conversation,

And everyone's up in their head thinking,

Kind of replaying the conversation,

And what are they thinking about me?

And what are they thinking about me?

No one's thinking about you.

Everyone's thinking about what are they thinking about me?

Like,

Everyone's distorting it and twisting it.

It's just such an easy habit for us to just do this,

To go up and imagine that we've even done something wrong when we've done nothing,

When nothing's happened.

We're just making up so much of this,

So much of it.

So,

Of course,

We're using self-compassion for all the times we're making it up,

For everything,

Right?

So much.

Even though it's not real,

That's where we have to bring the self-compassion as well.

That's where we need it even more importantly,

Because we so believe it is real.

We so believe we said the wrong thing when we didn't.

How many times have we thought that?

And yeah,

Kathy,

As you're saying,

It takes a while to rewire the default mode network,

Which is like five or six regions of the brain that are active,

Which is where the self lives,

Which is where the self-referential thinking is all coming from,

Where they're chasing the future,

They're regretting the past,

The judging,

The comparing,

And just that constant narrating.

That's where all of it's coming from.

And it's very active in us,

Very active default mode network.

And in fact,

The more that we ruminate,

The more that we worry,

The more active that part of our brain or those regions of our brain become.

Yeah,

And Philippa just saying,

Yeah,

You spent many years beating yourself up.

Me too,

Me too.

Instilling compassion was bound to take a while,

But it is so very important and required.

How can we have compassion for ourselves if we can't have it for,

Or for others,

If we can't have it for ourselves?

Exactly,

Exactly.

Because if we're uncomfortable being with our own pain,

Our own vulnerabilities,

Then we're usually uncomfortable being with others as well.

So it is about having that compassion for ourselves to be with what's here,

To be with what's raw,

With what's tender,

With the uncertainty,

With the insecurities in a way that is opening up to it,

Right?

And then we realize like,

Yeah,

This is where,

Like when you go with it,

When you open to it,

There's a freedom in that because we're no longer denying it.

There's a freedom in acknowledging you're never going to be perfect.

There is such a freedom in that.

Yeah,

Great.

Not going to be perfect.

Don't need to live up to that anymore,

Right?

And then being able to be with what's here,

Such a freedom in being with what we typically fear,

Those feelings of doubt,

Of insecurities,

Of unworthiness.

And then that turns into our ability to be there for others as well.

So absolutely,

It's so important.

And Jeremy,

Yes,

We have a negativity bias.

We evolved to focus on what could go wrong,

Not what's going right.

But where this was a very helpful survival,

You know,

From an evolutionary standpoint,

You know,

For our survival,

It made a lot of sense to focus on what could go wrong.

But in the world that we live in today,

In the 21st century,

Where we have so,

Where we're safe so much of the time,

It's just that we're kind of just,

You know,

We're making things up that aren't happening.

We're overly obsessed about how we're being perceived in,

You know,

How our image is being perceived by others.

We're overly obsessed with this.

And we wouldn't,

If we weren't safe,

We wouldn't have the luxury of being able to do that in the first place.

So yes,

We do have a negativity bias.

And I think that's important for us to recognize that as well,

Right?

Because we're the ones that seem to get the brunt of that negativity bias.

And it's not helping anyone.

It's not helping anyone.

And I just want to go back to,

And is this Chelsea from the UK?

Because I think,

Because we were exchanging messages the other day.

I'm glad that you're here.

Yeah,

Grounding it can be when a friend talks kindly to us,

And yet we forget to do that for ourselves.

And we can fail so easily to talk in a negative self-talk.

And we would never talk to a friend like that.

You're absolutely right.

We would never talk to a friend like that.

Yeah,

I'm glad that you're here,

Chelsea.

Yeah.

Because I know you've been going through some things.

And that was one of the things that we were kind of exchanging messages about,

You know,

Being with what's here.

We so want to find the solution on the outside.

And usually the solution on the outside is meaning I need to somehow be different on the inside.

And again,

I'm not saying that sometimes there's not things that we're working on.

But the most immediate solution is to comfort ourselves to be with what is,

To be with what's here,

Right?

To be with the uncertainty,

You know,

To be with the insecurities,

To be with the doubt,

Right?

Because we so fear what we're not willing to look at.

And yet the moment you're willing to look at it,

It's not nearly as scary as you think.

And self-compassion,

Because it is this kind talk,

This way of talking to ourselves that,

You know,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

This is tough,

Right?

Yeah,

Not denying it's a tough situation,

Or oh,

Sweetheart,

You know,

This is painful.

Oh,

Sweetheart,

This hurts.

Yeah,

It does hurt,

Right?

But now you're with the hurt.

You're not extrapolating this out into some future,

And what does this mean?

It means I'm unsafe.

Like we're extrapolating out,

We're having feelings,

Repetitive feelings that keep coming up again,

Distorting the way we're seeing ourselves.

And then we're extrapolating that out into the future,

As though in some way,

We're very much in danger here.

And we're not.

We're not in danger.

We come back,

And we feel it.

And we recognize that that while there's some hurt here,

There's some doubt here,

There's some insecurities here,

We're able to be with it.

Nothing's really resolved,

Still made the same mistake,

Still,

You know,

Whatever happened.

But all of a sudden,

We realize like,

Yeah,

And that's okay.

And that's okay.

Because this is what's arising in this moment.

So we don't get attached to it.

We don't push back on it.

We don't,

Oh,

I got to get back to this better image of me.

It's an accepting of accepting ourselves fully,

A fully,

Fully accepting ourselves.

Like that's what this is about.

Right?

It's not about becoming something,

Something that we can't become anyway.

It's accepting who we are,

And in that kindness and compassion and care for ourselves.

And we do then extend that to others as well.

You know,

I think we were more kinder to,

Not just our friends,

But even those who disagree with us.

Those that maybe we don't particularly like so much.

Like,

Yeah,

You don't have to love everyone.

You don't have to like everyone.

But we don't have to judge them either.

Because we recognize,

Yeah,

They're human,

They make mistakes.

I'm human,

I make mistakes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think it makes us more,

The more that we can be with our own flaws and really accepting of them,

The more grace we offer to others as well,

In allowing them to be who they are.

And man,

I got to tell you,

One of the greatest gifts we can give to another person is allowing them to be who they are.

Right?

Not trying to change them,

But just accepting who people are.

So thank you,

C,

For the donation.

And Ruth,

Thank you so much.

Thank you for the donation.

Yeah,

Kathy.

So yeah,

If you have a sensitive nervous system,

And I know there are people that do.

I think I have a fairly sensitive,

And I think just kind of as an introvert,

I have a fairly sensitive nervous system,

Where I can notice very easily when my nervous system starts to get a little bit overly stimulated.

And so yeah,

It gets triggered a lot more than,

Say,

That their nervous system isn't so sensitive.

And so yeah,

And that even just to notice,

Not to say like,

Oh,

You've got to calm down there.

We don't want to tell ourselves to calm down.

That's not self-compassion.

But just to even be in those moments like,

Ooh,

The nervous system feels a little energized right now,

Feels a little excited right now,

Or it feels a little drained.

Maybe it's the other way.

And you guys know I always do this like breathing in,

We're creating space for what's here,

Right?

We breathe and we allow it to be here.

We're not pushing it away,

Because that's just what's arising too.

Like,

You know,

We're going to feel different things.

And some of us have more sensitive nervous systems than others.

Some of us are more sensitive to other neurotransmitters,

Different types of situations.

And it's about acknowledging that just what's here.

Oh,

This feels a little there's a little of anxiety here.

Okay,

Let me just breathe into that and feel that.

Not to push it away.

Like,

It's okay,

We can feel the anxiety.

Yeah,

It's just some anxiety here.

Yeah,

You can be here anxiety.

And just noticing that or however it is kind of showing up for you,

Kathy.

When you notice it in that way,

And again,

We're not pushing it away,

Because everything always changes.

Everything changes.

Right?

It's just noticing that yeah,

This is what's this is what's coming up.

And so let me be with that too,

In a way that's comforting and kind.

And then while the heightened sense might still be there for a little bit,

You're no longer spinning out from it.

You're no longer spinning out.

And that's the difference.

Right?

So again,

We're flowing with the ups and the downs of what's here.

Right?

Right.

So Glenn,

Let me just read your comment here.

So I think when you're saying the feeling as though the world doesn't understand you was a real sign that you weren't understanding you.

Yes.

So isn't that interesting how we'll project that on everyone else.

And yet it was you not understanding you.

And so that way,

You could step outside of being the victim and comfort yourself when things are hard.

That is a very insightful point,

Glenn.

Right?

Because we do often project it onto other people,

Or the world.

And when it's really just our not understanding of ourselves.

I mean,

This is the teaching that the Buddha gave about the eight worldly winds.

We get praise and criticism,

Gain and loss,

Pleasure and pain,

And fame and disrepute is the fourth one.

And I think that's really just how we're perceiving ourselves.

Right?

Because most of us aren't on the cover of People magazine.

But just how we're perceiving our own self-image in the world.

Sometimes we're perceiving it well,

Sometimes we're not perceiving it as well.

Sometimes we're perceiving it really badly.

And in those moments to be able to recognize what's happening,

And bring self-compassion,

And out of that self-compassion,

When we really are like,

Oh,

I feel in danger,

I feel like I really did screw up,

I feel like I've been excluded or something.

And we come in and we really start to feel it.

And so we recognize through being with the pain,

Being with the sense of not belonging,

Being with the fear of being excluded,

Right,

Which is also for us from an evolutionary standpoint of a quite terrifying thought.

We wouldn't have wanted to get kicked out of the tribe,

Especially when that would have meant certain death many,

Many years ago,

Thousands of years ago.

And so the more that we can be with those feelings,

Even just that sense of I don't belong,

I felt excluded,

And that you're there with it,

And there's a feeling of disconnection there,

And you allow yourself to feel it,

To breathe into it,

And you bring kindness,

And you bring a sense of tenderness,

And you're really open to being that vulnerable,

Acknowledging what it is.

And through that,

There may come something where you think,

You know what,

Maybe I do need to have a conversation with that person and find out what's going on,

Or maybe I do feel like I've been a little bit too introverted,

And I haven't been socializing very much,

Or I feel like I want to connect with others.

So maybe I should go out and do something.

Maybe I should go out and just kind of be around some people.

So it doesn't mean that it can't also lead to something,

But that we're always coming in first into the feelings,

Which is the exact opposite.

We're always going into how can I fix this on the outside instead of coming into the feelings.

And we've seen that that doesn't work.

It doesn't work because as you say there,

Glenn,

As well,

We almost always feel like a victim.

We feel like a victim,

Like a victim of my own mouth,

Right?

Like,

Oh,

I said the wrong thing again.

Perceiving I said the wrong thing again.

And we can feel like,

Oh,

I'm just a victim of what comes out of this mouth.

And instead of just recognizing like,

Yeah,

Sometimes things are going to come out that aren't as good.

You're not a victim.

You're not destined for failure,

Right?

It's just kind of part of,

It's part of life.

It's part of the ups and downs of change,

Of change.

Sometimes we win,

Sometimes we lose.

Sometimes we say something clever,

Sometimes we say something dumb.

Sometimes we get praised,

Sometimes we get blamed.

Everybody gets it.

Everybody gets it.

The Dalai Lama gets it.

I mean,

You know,

He gets his fair share of criticism and he's had his gaps.

He's had his moments where you're even like,

Oh,

That was not your best moment there,

Dalai Lama.

And I'm sure he didn't beat himself up about it.

It was probably just,

Yeah,

Kind of conditions.

And everybody does it every now and then.

And the more that we bring compassion to ourselves,

Because real compassion is born of real wisdom.

Real wisdom is born of real compassion.

Those two are inextricably linked.

You really can't have one without the other.

And so every time we practice self-compassion,

Where some people might think it's kind of a,

They might think of it as kind of a weak practice.

First of all,

There's so much courage in being kind to ourself,

But we are gaining wisdom in there as well.

Yeah.

Alice,

I love that joke,

The introvert joke.

I regret the plans I made when in five minutes extrovert mode.

Or I think I regret the plans I made when I was having a five-minute extrovert mode.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I do kind of have a thing like,

You know,

Because as an introvert here,

My energy levels and probably also because,

You know,

My age,

They're just not what they used to be.

And so if I'm having a moment where I'm feeling kind of,

You know,

There's some excitement,

There's some high,

Some,

You know,

Some kind of a high,

Something happening,

My energy is kind of I will not make plans at that time,

Because it's going to fade.

I know it's going to fade.

So just to be careful of that.

Yeah.

And I'll go back.

I,

I know there were everything.

Yeah.

Because I know there were some other comments here.

Yeah.

So we've got,

Yeah.

So Mari,

Michelle,

Yeah.

Yeah.

We have to be careful.

You know,

We do have to be careful with our energy.

Yeah.

And I just want to go back.

I think I might have,

Oh,

Maybe I didn't miss something.

That's a good mantra.

Yeah.

I'm doing my best.

I'm not trying to be the best.

I'm just doing my best.

And sometimes the best doesn't look that great.

But that's your best in that moment.

Yeah.

Oh,

Philippa.

If you're wondering if some people often mistake sympathy for compassion,

But the two are very different.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah,

There,

I'm sure there are a lot of people mistaking sympathy for compassion,

Because people can have sympathy,

They can have sympathy for another person for their hurting,

But they don't want to go near it.

Right?

They're like,

Oh,

I can't,

I can't be near them.

It would be too overwhelming for them.

And,

And compassion is really opening up to pain and suffering,

Whether it's our pain and suffering or another person's pain and suffering,

But doing it in the present moment.

And this is what scares so many people where they'll have sympathy,

But they don't know how to sit with someone who's going through something because they think,

Oh,

I don't know what to say.

Right?

And sometimes it's just,

We need to be able to just sit there and just not say anything.

Sometimes just showing up is enough and not being afraid to sit there with someone when they're going through something,

When they're really in pain,

When they're suffering.

Right?

And this is,

Of course,

What we're practicing with ourselves is to be there with our pain and our suffering.

But compassion,

Whether it's being with our own pain and suffering or being with another person's pain and suffering,

It's to be with it in the present moment.

And when you're with it in the present moment,

It doesn't carry,

You're not taking a big suitcase with you afterwards.

Like you leave the person afterwards and you take all their worries and troubles and how can I,

How can I solve their situation for them?

It's like you were there,

You were fully present,

You were,

The tears were flowing,

The hugs were flowing,

Or the silence was there,

Whatever was arising in that moment,

But you didn't turn away from the pain and you didn't take it on yourself.

And so even in the,

In the self-compassion,

We're here,

We're not turning away from our pain.

And in that way it does,

It kind of settles down in a way that we don't have to um,

Kind of start throwing all of it in this big backpack that we're carrying around all day with us.

It's like we,

We dealt with it,

We were here with it as long as it needed our attention for,

We were here with it.

And then there's nothing left to carry around.

There might still be a little bit of a dark cloud,

There might be just a little bit of heaviness still there,

You know,

Or not as,

Not as heavy,

But you know,

A little bit of,

A little bit of something still there,

But it's bearable,

It's bearable.

And even after leaving a friend who's going through something,

There may still be just a little bit,

You know,

A little bit of that taste still there of their,

Of their suffering,

But we're not taking it on because we do only have so much capacity.

And so this is why if we're not practicing compassion and,

And it,

You know,

Self-compassion,

Tonglen,

Right?

The heart is incredibly,

An incredibly powerful and important part of our practice,

Opening our heart.

And while I do think gratitude practices are wonderful as well,

When we're coming to pain and suffering,

Ooh,

There is a lot of wisdom in that.

We are really you,

What we typically want to keep at bay that we're getting closer to,

Whether it's our own pain and suffering or it's someone else's pain and suffering,

Right?

That we understand,

Like,

The understanding that we're,

We're getting there is that yes,

Sometimes life hurts.

Sometimes,

You know,

We're all going to experience disappointment,

We're going to experience pain,

We're going to experience,

Um,

Being excluded,

Being insecure.

Like,

We're all going to have moments of these things.

This is a part of life.

So we're not denying a very real part of life,

But we approach it in a way that has such an openness to what's here in presence and an understanding that this is,

It is impermanent.

We don't need to get attached to it.

It's going to,

You know,

It's always going to change.

You know,

Things are always going to change,

But we're not kind of taking the wisdom of impermanence as a get out of jail free card where people just,

Oh,

It's just going to change.

It's going to change.

I don't need to feel it.

No,

We're there with it.

We have the wisdom and the compassion to be with what's here and yeah,

It will eventually change,

But we're not skipping over it.

We're not skipping over it.

Alice,

Yeah,

What you're saying,

The older you get,

The longer the recovery time from doing too much.

Yeah,

I mean,

I find that at 60,

I find that like,

My energy is just not,

It's not great.

I mean,

I never was a real high energy person to begin with,

But I find even more so as I'm getting older that my energy is not great and I don't fight that.

I don't fight that.

Like,

Yeah,

It's seven o'clock.

I'm getting ready for bed.

I mean,

I get up super early too,

But I like to be in bed early.

You know,

Most days,

If I can,

I will take a nap,

You know,

And I'm not going to,

I'm not going to put plans in where my nap time is.

And,

Um,

Because managing our energy is important.

I think there's a lot of self-compassion in that we,

We kind of have this idea that,

No,

I need to always be doing,

I need to always be engaged in something.

And I think that's also just denying the reality of what our bodies need,

Particularly as we get older,

Particularly as we get older and we're not able to do as many things that we weren't,

Were able to do before.

And,

And,

And to not like,

Oh,

This is horrible getting old.

And instead of just,

Yeah,

This is getting old,

But Hey,

I'm still here.

I'm still here,

You know,

And overall things are still pretty good.

Can't do everything I used to do,

But I can still do,

I mean,

I can still do a heck of a lot,

But,

Um,

But definitely managing my energy is something that's really important to me,

You know,

Because it's,

It's,

Uh,

When we're drained,

Like it's just very hard if we're drained,

It's very hard to be mindful when we're feeling drained,

If we're getting,

And we're really just getting pushed from one thing to the next.

So just being careful of that too,

I think it's important to,

Uh,

Understand what we need,

You know,

To feel,

To feel good.

Yeah.

So you're,

Yeah,

You're managing it too as well,

Philippa.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And Sandy,

You've had some great teachers who call themselves introverts.

I would guess to say a lot of teachers are introverts.

I think a lot of teachers are introverts.

I mean,

And,

And not to say that there's not extroverts on this path as well,

Because there definitely are,

But I think there's a lot of introverts.

I think there's,

Because there's something about meditation and silence and contemplation and going for walks on your own in nature,

Like wanting to spend time on your own,

That is very conducive to this path and,

And very conducive to an introvert.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I talk about,

And I know you've,

And Ruth,

I know you've just been doing my setting boundaries course with an open heart,

And I think you've done it,

Philippa,

And I know you've done it,

Alice.

Um,

Where I do talk about in the course,

Like identifying if you're an introvert or an extrovert,

Because it,

It does,

It really more to do with your energy levels,

How sensitive you are to dopamine or to acetylcholine,

To different neurotransmitters.

And I know for me as an introvert and understanding that when I first understood that,

Like,

It wasn't that I stopped liking people,

Um,

You know,

Or you go to a party and,

And after the first hour,

Like I'd want to go home.

It was just too much for me.

And it's not like I stopped liking everyone.

It was just that the first hour was great,

But then I felt like I had just gotten off a 10 hour flight.

Like it was just a lot of stimulation.

It's too much stimulation.

And so I've known that for so many years now.

And I understand that being in large groups is not an ideal setting for me.

I mean,

Sometimes,

Sometimes we do things like we're not trying to say that we wouldn't ever get outside of our comfort zone.

But if I were going to be in a large group setting,

I would make sure there's nothing scheduled before nothing scheduled afterwards,

I would really want to make sure that that there's some downtime before and after.

And,

And to also just be mindful as well,

Though,

During the event that you don't start building it up into a story,

Oh,

I got to get out of here,

Right?

Because then that's just making it worse,

Draining us even more.

But just the recognizing them like,

Oh,

Yeah,

This is a little tough.

It's a little tough for you,

Meredith.

Yeah,

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's not going to last forever.

It's okay.

Right?

So then just bringing in that kindness as well,

A little compassion at that time for those times when we do have to,

When we are a little bit outside of our comfort zone.

Yeah.

Oh,

So Wendy,

So I think you're saying you were an introvert as well.

Was Mari saying?

Oh.

Yeah.

So yeah,

Exactly what Mari's saying.

Yeah.

I mean,

I love that first chat.

But then after that,

Like,

Oh,

I just,

I'm drained.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And Ruth,

I like that,

How you're saying that,

That each day,

Each day,

You're surrendering with grace the things of your youth.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because we also get a little wisdom just with age as well.

So there's something to be said for that,

Too.

You know?

Yeah.

And Felipe,

If it's just next to impossible to socialize,

Then it's just,

It's good to know these things about ourselves.

Like you're saying,

Wendy,

Just,

It's good to know these things about ourselves.

Mari,

It's when we understand who we are and we accept that,

Right?

We accept it.

It's okay.

No,

I mean,

I do find as though our,

The world is,

Seems to be more geared for extroverts because there's this kind of,

You know,

The more social we can be,

The more active that we are.

There do seem to be some setup rewards for that.

Or how should I,

In fact,

What I should say,

How I should phrase that is,

It does seem that no one questions that,

Whereas the introverts do get questioned.

What do you mean you don't want to be around everyone for five hours?

What do you mean you want to go from one thing to the next?

Like,

It's a little bit harder for,

I feel like there's often,

Not a need to explain ourselves,

But that there's just often this kind of assumption that like,

This is how we should all feel.

But it's not how we all feel,

Right?

We're all a little bit different.

And we need introverts in the world because introverts do tend to be more introspective.

You know,

We definitely need introverts in the world.

And I think in just understanding that about ourselves and accepting that like,

Yeah,

This is,

The introverted me,

While it used to be very awkward when I was trying to constantly get out of social settings,

It is what's really drawn me as well to the spiritual path.

I enjoy being on my own.

I enjoy the quiet.

I enjoy my own company.

And it would be not that I'm saying extroverts can't do this.

Of course they can.

But I find the conditions are more conducive to,

For those that enjoy being on their own.

And so there's nothing wrong with us for that.

It's just,

This is the way we are.

This is how this ride was put together.

Who am I?

Who am I to put it?

Who am I to judge it?

Who am I to deny it?

It's just to accept it and say,

Yeah,

Okay.

So I understand the manual for this ride.

Yeah.

The energy gets low from time to time.

Naps are needed.

And too much socializing doesn't feel good.

I still can love everyone.

And it's just that I can't be around them for that long.

So we just have to limit.

We have to be able to be accepting of ourselves,

Of who we are,

Knowing of ourselves,

Knowing what's needed,

And to just walk that.

Walk that.

Oh,

Yeah.

So understanding that on the course,

You enjoyed that.

I'm glad,

Philippa.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And in your own family too,

Michelle.

So I think actually,

Hang on,

Maybe I missed the comments up here.

Let me go to Alice first.

So grief has taught you to let people know to speak up when they offer unsolicited advice.

To let them know,

Thank you for caring,

But I just need someone to listen to me right now.

Expressing your rules for engagement.

Yeah.

Yeah.

In fact,

It's so interesting you say that because I really found just the grief myself this year in losing my mother.

It was helpful.

Like what I so appreciated when someone just reached out and just said,

Look,

In fact,

One friend reached out.

And I so appreciated that she said this.

She goes,

I don't really know what to say.

She put this in a text.

I don't really know what to say.

I'm really terrible at these things.

I just want you to know I'm thinking of you.

And that was so sincere.

And it was just so like,

Thank you.

Like,

There's really not a lot one can say.

And sometimes I think we try,

We think like we've,

Because of our discomfort with someone going through their grief,

We want to offer advice because we're uncomfortable with it.

So again,

I think that's where the difference between having sympathy and compassion,

Where the compassion would allow us to just be with someone's grief.

And I mean,

If they're asking for advice,

Of course,

We can offer advice.

But most of the time,

I don't think that's what we want.

We just want,

I know for myself,

It was just,

I so appreciate someone reaching out and letting me know that they're thinking of me.

And that's beautiful.

It's wonderful.

But to not have to,

That you don't have to always give advice.

You don't have to always give advice.

So Laurie,

You're saying in your younger years,

You were so outgoing.

So actually,

And I should say,

Up into my probably early 30s,

I was very outgoing.

Yeah,

I would be out there in the party.

Yeah.

But now you have to make sure nothing's organized on the same day as a night out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah,

You know,

We just,

We change.

We change.

Yeah.

So yeah,

So Mari,

Like saying you have a family,

But Christmas can be overwhelming.

So,

You know,

Just knowing that as best you can,

To try and put in some alone time.

You know,

Even if it's just saying to your family,

Like,

I love you guys all coming over,

But the whole day is a lot for me.

I need to just go and sit and be quiet on my own for an hour.

I just need to go for a walk on my own.

Like,

We always think,

Well,

No,

If I'm going for a walk,

Then someone wants to come with you.

But just saying like,

I just really need to just go on my own right now.

Like we can say it in a way that's kind,

But firm,

Because it's what we need to feel our best.

So honoring what it is that you need,

Honoring what you need,

Mari.

And Janine,

You love your my time too.

Yeah.

And Philippa.

So when you were in group therapy years ago,

There was a lot of emphasis on being normal,

Mixing with people,

Socializing,

And there was a little understanding of patience with people who just can't do that sort of thing.

Yeah,

I could see that as being the case years ago,

That yeah,

Trying to fit us all into one box,

Instead of recognizing like not everyone's,

Not everyone loves to socialize.

Some of our greatest thinkers,

I believe Albert Einstein was an introvert.

So yeah,

Just to be okay with who we are is a real struggle for us.

And even just on the spiritual path,

Because we so kind of think we even we have this imagining of like enlightenment.

We have such a ridiculous idea of what enlightenment is,

As this,

Oh,

I'm going to be perfect.

And I'm going to float on air.

And I'm never going to,

I'm never going to be lacking in energy again,

I'm always going to say the right thing,

No one's ever going to criticize me again.

And I mean,

That's not what enlightenment is.

It's waking up from the illusion that says you need to be all these things.

Like that's what it is,

Is saying that's,

You know,

This story,

This narrative I have around myself of who I think I am is not me,

Is not me.

And so yeah,

We get really confused on this path.

I think about that we should or that we think that we should be becoming something instead of recognizing who we are,

What we need to function best in the world,

Within the limitations of that we're able to do it.

Again,

Sometimes we have to put ourselves a little bit into some uncomfortable position situations like we can't,

We don't want to go to the other side of be so extreme,

Either like,

Oh,

I can't come out of my house or,

Uh,

You know,

We want to find that balance in there of,

Of what's healthy.

And that we're not getting ourselves boxed in.

Yeah,

Actually,

Jeremy,

I know the book is,

Because that's the book I,

Oh,

Gosh,

Hang on,

It was just on the tip of my tongue.

I can see her name right now.

It's a woman.

Oh,

It's going to come to me.

It's going to come to me.

I'm pretty sure that's the one that you're talking,

Cain,

Cain,

Something Cain is her name.

So your grief counselor said you should,

Oh,

Alice,

Your grief counselor said you should consider dating again.

And you gently but directly set him straight.

It's see,

Again,

It's,

It's like,

We kind of have this idea that we'll know part of the grief means you've got to get out there and meet someone else.

And that's,

You know,

Why,

You know,

We're getting over the grief,

Maybe,

Maybe,

Maybe they would see it as well as success.

Now they're out dating again.

And that's not necessarily what success looks like.

Yeah,

But you know,

You know yourself well enough to say,

Yeah,

That's not what I want.

Right?

Let me just go back here and see.

Okay,

I think I've gotten to all the comments so far.

I do love that joke,

Alice.

Just make sure I haven't missed anything here.

Oh,

And Chelsea,

I didn't see your follow up comment there.

That,

Yeah,

That since in a few days ago,

When you reached out,

That now you're learning to be with the uncertainty,

And as a result,

You're having very different days.

Isn't that interesting when we accept what's here?

And we're able to come to it with compassion and kindness,

How different it can feel.

The uncertainty hasn't changed,

But your relationship to it has.

Yeah,

It's also hang on,

Philippa,

You've been told by therapists,

You need to find someone,

But you're absolutely happy being single.

Yeah,

It's probably part of the,

Just the societal construct that we have,

That we think something's wrong if you're not with a partner.

And so to fix it,

You should be with someone.

Yeah,

And that's just part of our society.

You know,

People have those views.

And that's why it's good for us to,

Like coming on a spiritual path,

On a Buddhist path,

Which is really what I'm teaching here,

Is so an Eastern religion,

Eastern view of reality is about stepping outside of the social constructs and the social norms of our society,

Of our Western society in particular,

Which really breeds a lot of unhealthy,

Unhealthy even relationships.

Susan Cain,

Thank you.

Yes.

Yeah.

Thanks,

Jeremy.

So,

Yeah,

And then everyone's solution to fix things is just getting a relationship,

Getting a relationship.

And I think so many people are going to relationships because they're wanting the other person to fix them,

The other person to complete them.

And then so many people are in unhealthy relationships,

Because it's all because I need this person to fix me.

And then eventually we realize they're not fixing me.

And then we,

Oh,

I got to move on to the next one,

Because maybe they'll do it.

And instead of feeling,

Instead of really understanding who we are,

About making sure that we know how to feel whole and complete inside,

Because there's not,

And Lori,

Thank you for the donation.

Thank you so much.

At that movie,

Jeremy Maguire,

And everyone loved that line,

You know,

You complete me.

And we think it's so romantic.

And we think it's just something to be praised and celebrated.

And yet,

I would say that's the beginning of most unhealthy relationships,

Because no one else can complete us.

No one else can do that for us.

If we come to a relationship with the idea that this other person is going to complete me,

In the beginning,

There's a lot of excitement in the relationship,

There's a lot of hormones flying,

There's a lot of desire flying.

And we kind of think,

Oh,

This is the one and they're going to do it.

And then six months later,

It's like,

Oh,

Those habits,

They're so annoying,

Right?

They were never going to complete us.

No one can complete us.

But we're always looking for someone outside of us,

Because we don't want to do the work of coming in and being with ourselves.

And yet,

The work of being with ourselves,

Of having self-compassion,

Of being with our hurt,

Of being with our feeling of,

You know,

Maybe our fear of being excluded,

Because we are an introvert,

And we've said we've passed too many times in an invitation,

And just being with that,

Like being with that fear,

Like,

Yeah,

We can still be with the fear of that,

Right?

That's still a normal response,

Right?

But we don't let it overwhelm us.

And then we say we don't want to do anything.

But then we just spend the next two days thinking,

Oh,

My God,

What does this mean?

And dreading like,

Oh,

Does this mean this person isn't going to like me anymore?

Or,

You know,

I got to get over this.

Or we're trying to,

Again,

Fix this on the outside,

Instead of we recognize,

Yeah,

There's a little fear in that.

And let me be with that too.

Yeah,

I can feel this,

Right?

To keep bringing us back here to the sense of connection and belonging that is inherent.

Because we do have this idea that somehow I'm incomplete.

And it's because we live in our heads.

So I'm kind of thinking this thought created me,

This little bubble here,

Right?

We live in our heads.

I'm incomplete.

I need someone else to complete me.

I have all these insecurities.

I have all these doubts.

So I need someone else to tell me that I'm actually worthy,

That I'm actually lovable,

That I'm actually okay.

And in the beginning,

You know,

Again,

We can kind of get that little bit of a sense from them.

But that doesn't last,

Right?

And then we're still back to that feeling of,

Oh,

Now am I with the right person?

And now we're debating about that.

And we still have this sense of separation and disconnection because we're lost in our thoughts all the time.

So you can be with someone and still feel disconnected and still feel like you don't belong.

And yet you can be on your own and feel completely connected and completely as though you belong.

Just even by just being with your feelings of just being with that sense of not feeling like you belong.

All of a sudden,

You're with it with the compassion and the kindness and wisdom of being with that fear,

With that pain,

With that insecurity.

The dissolution of separation goes away.

And what opens up is that you were never not a part of this.

You were never not a part.

So it's interesting,

People that are walking around in their heads,

Thinking someone outside,

Really what they're thinking is they're gonna take away this feeling of inadequacy that I've had my whole life because you can't live in your head without a feeling of inadequacy.

And somehow they're going to take this away from me.

I mean,

If that was the case,

That's what the Buddha would have said.

Just go get a good relationship.

It'll turn off all the thoughts.

It'll turn off this idea that you're this little separate,

Independent,

Solid,

Inherently existing thing.

But it doesn't do that.

It just kind of morphs in a different way.

Now maybe I'm with the wrong person.

They've changed.

I need to do something different.

And so there's just this constant doubting,

This constant feeling of separation that we're trying to fix on the outside.

But this is the problem.

It's the thinking about ourselves that creates the sense of separation that literally splits us into two when we start getting into the self-referential thinking.

And so when we come back into what's here and feel and be kind and soothing and caring and tender with ourselves,

The sense of separation dissolves.

And you can be on your own and feel totally okay,

Not feel lonely.

But you can be with a thousand people and feel lonely if you're lost in your head.

So as we come to this through a Buddhist tradition,

It's about seeing what's causing the suffering.

What is causing it?

It's our thoughts.

Our thoughts,

The way we're interpreting things,

The way we're making everything about me.

Ten people were in a conversation,

And yet everyone must be thinking about what I said and interpreting what I did.

No.

No one's thinking about us.

Everyone's thinking about themselves,

But we make everything about ourselves.

Like,

Oh,

What's my neighbor doing over there?

Has nothing to do with me.

But we make it about me.

They shouldn't be doing that.

Has nothing to do with me.

And we keep going on and on and on about it.

And this is where all the suffering is coming from.

And so we have this.

We believe in the little separate me,

The thought-created me,

More than we believe the reality of the living,

Breathing me that's right here.

We spend more time up here trying to correct the image of me,

Trying to get ourselves to some place where we can land and say,

Okay,

Everyone thinks I'm okay,

And therefore,

I can think I'm okay.

Thinking that somehow through thought,

We're going to solve this,

But we never do because thoughts just get more thoughts,

We get more thoughts.

It doesn't lead to the end of thinking.

I mean,

Eventually,

Maybe we exhaust ourselves because we're so tired because we've been so stressed from all the thinking about ourselves.

And what does everyone think about us?

And oh my God,

And so what do I think about me?

And that is stressful.

It is stressful.

It's painful.

And sometimes we just exhaust ourselves through it,

But we didn't get to the source of the problem.

We just exhausted ourselves.

It's going to rear its head up again in some other way.

And so what we're doing here is seeing this,

Seeing this pattern of every time I think about myself,

It's distorted.

It's distorted.

And I'm taking myself to be this separate,

Independently existing,

Inherently existing thing as though I'm a thing and I'm believing that's reality instead of recognizing this is an inter,

Whatever this is arising as interdependent,

Interconnected,

Impermanent,

Constantly changing,

Constantly changing.

There is no solid independent thing that any of this is happening to.

Embarrassment arising,

No one,

No thing that is embarrassed.

Only in my thoughts can I think that I'm embarrassed.

I'm humiliated.

I'm a fool.

Everyone's going to hate me.

Subject,

Object.

It's in our thoughts that we create this polarity of dualism.

I'm something.

And yet the reality is just embarrassment arising,

Feelings arising and changing,

Anger arising and changing,

Disappointment arising and changing.

We've mistaken entirely this whole,

We've mistaken who we are.

And so this is where we focus our attention on this,

Not in the external,

You just need to find a new partner.

You need to go and do this and not saying that we don't ever go and do things in the external world.

But here,

What we're focused with primarily is understanding how this whole thing is happening.

I think about myself,

I start suffering.

I recognize it.

I bring in self-compassion and I'm with what's here.

I've recognized,

Oh,

Fear is here.

I've recognized hurt is here and I'm with what's here.

And then all of a sudden the suffering goes away.

And then a little bit later,

I'm thinking about myself in the future.

And I can feel that craving,

That striving,

That needing to be somewhere else,

That my happiness is over there.

And mindfulness or self-compassion,

We recognize it or self-inquiry and in whatever practice we're using,

Dissolve that sense of separation.

And all of a sudden the peace,

The happiness that we were looking for over there is all of a sudden here.

And then we're thinking about the past and,

Oh my God,

What happened back there?

I wish I hadn't done that.

We use a little self-compassion.

Oh,

Sweetheart,

You did your best.

You didn't hurt anyone.

You didn't hurt anyone.

It's okay.

It wasn't your best moment.

It's okay.

You can be with this and you feel the hurt.

You feel the clinging to the regret.

And then it starts to dissipate.

And once again,

The peace that you were looking for was right here.

Because the peace that is our true nature doesn't come and go.

It's our attention that comes and goes.

Our attention leaves presence and it goes up into thinking about me.

And it's not even that we can't think.

Thinking is okay.

It's that we think there is a thinker behind the thoughts.

We're always thinking there's something solid behind the thoughts.

So what we're doing here is trying to really see what it is that we're not.

We're not the thought-created self.

We're not the separate self.

We're not the ego.

Lolita,

As you're saying,

We're not the ego that lives in fear and desire.

And to keep having faith,

Like we talked about last week,

Because we've got trust,

Hopefully,

In the teachings by now.

Trust,

Hopefully,

In the teachers by now.

And enough verified faith where we've done this,

Where we've used self-compassion,

We've used mindfulness,

We've used self-inquiry to bring us back into presence.

And to realize we didn't fall apart.

We didn't stop existing.

We didn't stop the ability to think or plan.

We just stopped seeing ourself as this solid,

Independent self.

So whatever is arising,

Pleasant conditions arising,

Nice.

Enjoy the pleasant conditions.

Unpleasant conditions arising,

Okay.

Okay,

That's what's arising.

I can be with this too.

I can be with this too.

Right?

And so whatever it's arising,

We don't attach it to a me.

Oh,

This is so unpleasant.

This means my life is over.

Oh my God,

I can't believe this happened.

Right?

How many times do we think that?

And this is,

It's over for me.

And just on the other side,

Where we think,

Oh my God,

This is amazing.

Look what's happened.

I'm set for life.

And then it changes.

I go,

Oh,

I'm not set for life.

And so it's the wisdom and the compassion to recognize things are just always changing,

Always changing.

I mean,

We have so many good conditions,

So many of us.

Not everyone in the world has this.

But,

And I always caveat this because,

Yes,

If you're here on a Dharma talk on a Sunday afternoon,

Monday morning,

For those of you in Australia,

You have good conditions.

You have good conditions.

We have the luxury of being able to,

Of having survived,

Of having survived,

And most likely some proven ability to be able to survive.

Some income source that you've managed your money well,

Or you live a very modest lifestyle.

And yet we still,

We get caught up in this,

Oh,

But it's not enough,

Or I've got to live in,

I've got to get more.

I've got to somehow keep adding on more to myself.

And all that's doing is creating more fear and uncertainty and doubt when we have the good conditions.

If you have the good conditions now,

If you are safe in this moment,

And I would argue that if you're sitting here on this call,

You're safe,

And yet your mind is still spinning on how to get more safety,

Then you're never going to feel safe because we have the safety now.

And yet we don't appreciate it.

We don't trust it.

I mean,

Life is uncertain.

It's still uncertain.

I'm not saying that it's not,

And that things can't happen.

But we almost waste all the good conditions of when we were safe.

And then when something changes,

We think,

Oh,

I knew this was going to happen.

I knew this was going to happen,

Instead of recognizing,

Okay,

This too,

This too,

I've got to make a few changes.

I'm going to make a few changes in ramen noodles for a week now,

You know,

Or,

You know,

That holiday you were planning,

It's like,

Oh,

I can't go on the holiday now.

But that's not my life's not over because of that just means I had to make some changes.

I think the tragedy of our modern lives is that we,

So many of us,

Are walking around and most of the time,

I mean,

Like 99.

99% of the time,

We are totally safe.

And yet,

We're in our heads trying to become more safe.

Like that's nuts.

And then we live in this constant,

Like a little squirrel,

What's going to come and get us next.

But it's all just imagined in our mind.

We're more focused on the little me up here in the future,

That's lacking something now,

Or getting something it doesn't want,

Than the reality of what is actually here.

So for us to slow down and to see this,

And I do think,

I do really strongly feel that slowing down is a big part of this,

Which benefits us introverts.

Because the more,

The busier your schedule,

The busier your mind.

And the busier your mind is,

The more you're lost in the illusion.

I do think having space in your day,

In your reality,

Silence,

I'm not saying 24-7,

But we definitely need space and time to be,

When there's nothing on the calendar.

And you can just sit outside and just listen to the birds or watch the dogs play or watch your neighbors come and go.

Right?

And just seeing how,

Wow,

Look,

Just things arising and changing moment by moment by moment.

No two moments are the same ever.

And neither are you.

You are never the same from moment to moment.

What feels the same is this burdensome story that we carry around.

Because it's so repetitive.

It's so just rehashing the same things over and over and over.

Even though we are a little bit different every single time,

It's that same theme,

Which is so boring.

I mean,

It's just so,

We've played it over and over again a million times.

Never brought us happiness.

Never brought us more security,

More safety.

Never improved our relationships.

Never improved our relationship with ourself,

Relating to what it is that's happening.

And so to,

Yeah,

To slow down a little bit more,

I think is really important,

Is a really important part of our path as well,

As best we can.

Thank you,

Michelle.

Thank you so much for that donation.

Thank you.

And yeah,

Melissa,

You're absolutely right.

Hustle culture has been so damaging to humanity.

I mean,

Damaging also,

I mean,

Think about just the way we,

We extract things from the world as though we don't think that there's any balance to it and that we can just take from over here and we can cut down all the trees over here and that's not going to have any effect.

We can create dams and all these millions of things and all these ways in which we kind of interrupt nature,

Thinking there's not going to be any consequence.

And of course,

You know,

One of the biggest consequences,

Climate change,

Which is really having an effect,

I mean,

Just even in the intensity and the weather patterns and,

I mean,

Having an effect on humanity.

But even so,

Like,

What has this done to us for all of the advances of technology that we have?

All of the conveniences,

All of the free time that we have,

And yet we seem to be more stressed,

More anxious than ever.

Yeah,

I mean,

The values of our culture,

Our society are not healthy.

They're not,

They're not bringing happiness,

That's for sure.

Not bringing happiness,

Not bringing a sense of peace,

Peace,

Not bringing a sense of enough.

In fact,

It just really leaves us in this state of always just,

Oh look,

They're getting a little more than me,

Even though I don't have to have anything more,

But oh look,

They're getting more.

We live in this constant,

We can be okay,

And yet,

Oh,

They've got that,

Now I want that.

Just,

It's never enough,

It's never enough.

So it's the desire on one side,

I think like you were saying,

Tracy,

I think was it,

No,

Lolita,

The fear.

And thank you,

Tracy,

Thank you for the donation.

You know,

This is how we live,

Desire and fear,

Desire and fear,

Two sides of the same coin.

Because if I'm desiring something,

I'm also fearing,

What if I don't get it?

What if they get it first?

There won't be enough for me,

Right?

And then if we're fearing something,

Of course,

We are desiring that we,

You know,

We wish we were having some other condition.

And we're living like this,

You know,

One foot on the accelerator,

One foot on the brake,

And we're wondering why we're burning out,

When so many of the diseases that we have today are coming because of stress,

Because we're overworking our,

We're,

In fact,

All of the survival systems in our brain are backfiring.

Whether it's the stress response,

Whether it's the motivation reward pathway,

Which is constantly,

Constantly on,

Every time we click something,

Every time we get a sugary treat,

You know,

Every time we,

Oh,

Look,

I got more likes,

More comments,

Right?

We're kind of,

You know,

This is backfiring on us,

Where we're thinking,

We're thinking things that are meant to,

We're wanting things that are supposed to keep us alive,

That are,

In fact,

Getting us further in debt,

That are making us more miserable,

That are just bringing us constant disappointment when they don't really deliver the way we thought they should deliver.

And then the default mode network,

Kathy,

That you brought up,

Becoming more and more active,

The more that we ruminate,

The more that we worry.

It's not good for us.

It's not good for us.

And I do find,

Like,

As to your point,

Melissa,

I mean,

I find that,

Like,

Western culture,

I'm not going to,

It's not all bad.

Obviously,

It's not all bad.

And,

In fact,

The conditions have,

You know,

Have led to this.

So,

Okay.

It's not all bad.

In fact,

You could even argue to say,

Like,

Yeah,

The ego,

Kind of the super ego that is so dominant in our culture today,

And in particularly in the West,

I mean,

It's led to a point where so many of us,

Like,

We got all the things we wanted,

And it still didn't work.

And we were still unhappy.

And there was still a lot of suffering and doubt.

And so we got on a spiritual path.

And so,

In that sense,

Like,

Yeah,

Thanks.

Thanks for that.

So,

In the big scheme,

We could say,

Yeah,

It did its thing.

Maybe,

I'm not saying that there was a purpose in there.

But yeah,

It did its thing there.

But when I think about just kind of how many people are suffering in the West,

In particular,

That have good conditions,

And yet have everything they could possibly want,

And it's still not enough.

I mean,

Yeah,

There's a lot of,

If you were to write a manual for how could I make humans the most unhappy,

I think you'd follow the system that we have.

Yeah,

In the West.

Yeah.

Oh,

You're very welcome,

Philippa.

Have a wonderful evening.

And we will wrap it up here in a minute.

I just wanted to come back to Tracy's comments.

Oh,

You had an aha moment today.

Wonderful.

Yes,

Peace does not come and go.

Our attention comes and goes.

Yeah.

That's a good thing to take away.

A good thing to take away from today.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

So,

We will go ahead and come to an end now.

It's two o'clock.

So,

Time to go have some lunch and get the puppies.

So,

Thank you all.

Thank you for all the wonderful comments and questions.

And thank you for this just interesting talk.

I appreciate just so much hearing from you guys in this.

And so,

Thank you for that,

And for the donations.

And oh,

And Chelsea,

Thank you.

And Alice,

Thank you so much.

And Melissa,

You're very welcome.

And Lindsay and Glenn,

So glad to see you guys.

Thank you guys so much.

And I have recorded this,

So I will put it up on my Insight Timer page.

And then I am putting the contemplation questions about,

Usually about two days later.

I am putting that on the group page,

On my teacher's page.

So,

If you ever want to take a look at the contemplation questions,

Just to kind of further remind you of the talk,

And just to deepen your understanding a little bit more.

I think that those can be quite helpful to marinate a little bit more in self-compassion.

And so,

Also just really remembering self-compassion as a very powerful practice,

A very powerful practice to help us accept us,

All of our flaws,

And to stop us kind of denying that,

Or this delusion that we're going to somehow be something perfect.

And that's how everything's going to work out.

It's not how it's going to work out.

We're going to be imperfect,

And we're going to accept that we're imperfect.

We're going to stop striving to be something perfect.

And that's what gives us the freedom,

The freedom to be here with the peace,

Tracy,

To be here with the peace,

The freedom to be here,

Right?

So,

You're very welcome,

Michelle,

And Janine,

And Libby,

And Monica,

And Ohio Michelle says,

Thank you.

Thanks,

Ohio Michelle.

Yeah.

Okay,

And then we'll meet again next Sunday as well.

Oh,

Melissa,

Thank you.

Thank you so much for the donation.

I do appreciate the donation so much.

Thank you.

And yeah,

So we'll meet again next Sunday.

And in the meantime,

Just lots and lots of self-compassion,

Lots of self-compassion.

Okay,

So thanks,

You guys.