467: The Surprising Signs You’re In A Toxic Relationship

Welcome to the Michelle Chalfant Show,

The next evolution of the Adult Share Podcast.

I am Michelle Chalfant,

And my goal is to help you to awaken to your true self.

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Healers,

And change makers,

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Welcome to the Michelle Chalfant Show.

Hello everybody,

It's Michelle Chalfant.

So happy to be here today with all of you.

So yeah,

How about this topic this week?

I've had so many people over the years come in and report to me what's going on in their relationships and I sit and listen and I'm like,

Do you hear how toxic that relationship is that you're in?

And they'll say,

Really?

It's toxic?

I'm like,

Yes,

Are you missing this?

So I thought this week it would be the perfect time to do an episode on the signs that you may be in a toxic relationship.

So I'm going to go over six signs with you that will tell you if this is something that you might be involved in or someone that you know and love or know and like.

Just know that these are some of the signs of toxic relationship.

You know what happens is,

Unfortunately,

We have sometimes,

Not all the time,

Sometimes we have what feels like a bad picker.

So if this is a relationship that is a romantic relationship,

Remember,

We pick out our partners in order to help really heal,

Transform and change our own childhood wounding.

And yes,

I know when I when I have my quotes on this social media,

I have people that are horrified to hear that.

But it's true.

I'm sorry,

But it's true.

Now,

It might not look exactly the way your childhood went down.

It's not verbatim.

It's the underlying emotional response that you had in childhood that you are probably having now in adulthood with your relationships.

So it's not to say if your dad was a raging alcoholic that then you're going to marry a raging alcoholic.

However,

That does happen.

We know that for sure.

But we really do heal and transform our unhealed childhood wounds through our relationships.

So let me give you an example.

If your father shamed you,

You may find yourself in a toxic relationship with a man that maybe doesn't outright shame you,

Like your father that might have said,

You're not good enough.

You'll never amount to anything.

You're a loser.

You might have had a father or a parent or someone that said that to you.

So you're carrying that feeling around,

That shame inside.

So then you attract a man who in the beginning,

Of course,

Is nice and fine and delightful,

And then eventually starts gaslighting you,

Which creates a lot of self-doubt.

And guess what?

And then you drop into shame.

So again,

That your husband or wife may not look exactly like your parent or may not do exactly what your parent was doing,

But the end result,

The feeling that you get from that person is the same or very,

Very similar.

So what happens is,

Over time,

Is that toxic people chip away at our self-esteem.

It doesn't happen overnight.

And I find that people say to me,

I don't know how I got here.

Like what just,

What happened?

And I'll say,

You know,

Toxic people,

It just,

It happens a teeny tiny bit over time.

People that were once very strong and empowered and high self-esteem,

When we marry or find a relationship,

Whether it's,

You know,

At work or with a friendship or in-laws or whomever,

If that person is toxic and you start having a toxic relationship with them,

It chips away at us a little bit at a time,

Little bit,

Little bit,

Little bit,

Little bit.

And then our self-esteem before we know it is like shattered.

It's just,

It's gone or it's very,

Very low.

And we say,

How did this happen?

Well,

It didn't happen overnight.

It happened over time.

And then what happens is we just start to lose ourselves or doubt ourselves.

So that's what I'm talking about today is these six signs.

All right.

Jumping right in.

So how do we know that we are in a toxic relationship?

Here are the signs.

So think about any of these relationships that you're in.

Again,

I want you to remember,

This is not just husband,

Wife,

Girlfriend,

Boyfriend.

We're talking work,

Parents,

Siblings,

In-laws,

All of it.

Okay?

So in general,

Here's number one,

It just feels bad.

The idea of being with that person just makes you dread.

It's like,

Ugh,

It does not feel good.

The thought of being with that person brings up heaviness.

Your body might contract.

Some people say,

You know,

God,

The idea of going to work,

I just can't take it.

My coworker is just awful.

Or my boss is awful.

Or when my wife gets home from work,

It's just awful.

I don't know what's going on.

There's a really good chance it could be toxic.

Okay?

That's just one sign.

So in the adult chair,

I'm always saying to you guys,

You've got to stay connected to yourself.

That's the key.

So if I feel bad,

Then there's a sign that something is not right in this particular relationship.

Now,

If you feel bad with every single person,

It's different.

But I'm talking about if there are one or more people in your life,

Like maybe one or two,

Or maybe it's just one.

But the thought of that person,

If it makes you feel bad,

There's something to look at there.

And I'm just wondering if it's a toxic relationship.

I had a client and her parents would come for the holidays and she,

Oh my gosh,

I remember when she,

It was like in November and she started dreading the idea of her mother and father coming in.

And she said,

My mother criticizes me like crazy.

I cannot take it.

She points out everything that's wrong with me,

All of my children,

How I decorate is just this constant picking,

Picking,

Picking.

And she said,

You know,

Maybe I'm not doing it good enough.

I don't know.

And I said,

Oh my goodness,

No,

This is a called a toxic relationship.

It opened up her eyes.

And I said,

No,

This isn't you.

That's not healthy to criticize you constantly and nitpick all the time.

And of course she was shocked.

Really?

I thought I should,

You know,

Be okay with it because it's my mom,

But I get so confused.

I'm like,

No,

It's toxic.

Remember I sit here,

I do not sit and blame.

What we want to do from our adult chair is find truth.

That's it.

That's all we're doing here.

We were finding truth.

My mother is toxic.

Therefore,

When she comes to town and I realized looking back,

We have a toxic relationship.

It's just how my mom is.

And I think my mom's like that with my sister and my mom's like that with her husband,

But he takes it too.

It's like,

But what's true for you?

That's the most important thing is to say,

Gosh,

I think I'm in a toxic relationship with my mom.

Great.

And that's what I did with this client.

It was such a burden that lifted off of her because she felt like it was her and she was blaming herself for not being able to tolerate her mother at the holidays.

And I said,

No,

This is just toxic.

This is an unhealthy relationship.

And I think sometimes when we're in a relationship with a parent,

We get confused.

It's confusing.

You know,

It's like,

Well,

It's my parents and they're supposed to love me.

So shouldn't I take that?

Or maybe I should believe them.

But why does it feel like such a rub?

Your parent may be a narcissist or a psychopath or have huge control issues or be borderline or one of these other things.

And we have to consider that.

But again,

You know,

I don't like labels.

So toss all those out the window,

But they serve as information for us.

So just know that,

Hey,

There's something that feels off.

That's why if you're connected to yourself,

You'll know this feels off.

If it feels off,

There's something off and it's toxic.

Period.

End of story.

Okay.

Moving on.

Number two.

When in the presence of that person or the thought of speaking to them,

Even on the phone,

You find yourself avoiding them because you cannot speak up for yourself when you are in their presence.

So you find yourself completely avoiding,

Making excuses not to go to certain events.

Just like the client I just mentioned prior,

You might not want your parents to come for Christmas or you might not want to go to their house for Christmas.

I remember a client that came in,

I'm not laughing,

But it's,

I'm laughing at what she'd said to me.

She said,

I don't know what's going on.

She says to,

We have to go to my in-laws house and we go every other month and I have to go this coming weekend.

And what happens to me is the week before I spend like every day in the toilet with diarrhea.

I said,

Oh my God.

She says,

I don't know.

I don't know what's wrong.

And I said,

Well,

Tell me about it.

And she says,

I'm just so stressed out going.

And I said,

Well,

What happens when you're with your in-laws?

Like is it,

You know,

Is it something big that's happening?

And she said,

No,

But they belittle me.

She said they belittle me and she hates being around them.

And it's incredibly uncomfortable.

And I said,

Oh,

Tell me more about that.

And she gave me some really specific examples on the,

Like they would nitpick at her and make her feel bad.

And she said,

I just wish I could go there and just be calm.

And she says,

You know,

People just say,

That's just how in-laws are.

I think I've might've used a swear word,

Said something like BS.

I'm sorry.

That is freaking BS.

No,

I said,

There's some,

That's abusive.

If they're sitting there belittling you,

I said in toxic,

I said,

Can we just say it out loud?

This is toxic.

I find there is such a relief with people when number one,

It's not them,

But number two,

Like name it.

I did that whole podcast.

I think I called it own your reality.

It was,

I can't tell you how many people I've done this with and they say it out loud,

Whatever their reality is like this world,

This particular girl,

I remember I said,

Can you just say that out loud?

And she says,

Wow,

My in-laws are abusive and they're toxic.

Huh?

I said,

Say it again.

And she said,

Again,

She goes,

God,

That's true.

And I said,

Welcome to your adult chair.

That's truth.

That's true.

I said,

So really,

Is it your fault?

She said,

No.

And I said,

Of course it's not your fault.

This is just a toxic,

Abusive relationship.

I said,

And by the way,

You've heard me get on my soapbox about this one,

You guys,

Where's your husband during the belittling if this is what's going on?

And she said,

Which made my blood boil,

I'm going to forewarn you right now.

He ignores it and tells me to have thicker skin.

My head almost blew off my body.

I was so mad.

I said,

He ignores it and tells you to grow thicker skin?

I said,

Hell to the no,

No way.

That is not right.

I said,

And you guys,

If you've heard,

I think I talked about this on the Healthy Relationships podcast.

I did a few of those.

I said,

No way.

I said,

This is true.

If you're going to follow this adult chair,

You guys,

Your family is your responsibility.

So if my mother is being a bitch to my husband,

It's my job to go talk to my mother and tell her to cut it out with my husband or I'm not coming back.

And I'm certainly not going to bring him around because it's my job to protect my family from my mother,

From my father,

From my sister,

From my whomever,

My job.

So when I hear people that say to me,

Well,

My mom's,

You know,

Really mean to my wife and I told her she needs to,

Like this guy said,

She needs to grow thicker skin,

Which again,

I think my head spun around.

I said,

Oh my God,

No way.

Or they'll say things like,

I told her to set a boundary.

Now I'm not saying that we have to get quiet and become little flowers and not speak up for ourselves.

However,

If your partner,

Girlfriend,

Boyfriend,

Whomever is being abused in any way,

Shape or form by your family member,

You need to stand up,

Get in the way and stand in front of them and say,

This is not okay.

I love this person.

You do not talk to them like that.

Hear me now.

And then you leave.

It's your job to protect your loved ones from your family.

Okay.

I'm going to climb off my soapbox.

You guys know how I feel about that.

That's healthy.

Okay.

So anyway,

Getting back to my client,

She said this out loud and I said,

You know,

And then of course part two is like,

So what are you going to do about it?

Like if it's,

If your husband is not going to stand up for you,

Then you just don't go.

It's ridiculous.

So anyway,

I could go on and on about this one and then,

But I'm not going to,

I'm not going to,

We're just looking at signs today of toxic relationships.

So even if it's your in-laws boss or whomever,

Like this last client,

It was a toxic relationship.

If you feel sick walking into work and you realize cause your,

Your boss is being abusive towards you,

It's toxic.

Get a new job.

I had another client like that.

Gosh,

She would go in and she worked for a family owned business and it was her husband's family owned business.

And she and her husband started having marital issues and his family that owned this business that she worked for and,

And by the way,

Ran the whole damn thing,

Turned on her and started treating her so poorly.

It was so toxic.

I said,

Please quit that and get out.

Awful.

We should not be treated like that.

It's our job to take care of ourselves.

And if,

If someone is treating you poorly,

Remove yourself.

I find too,

When I was on my soapbox a moment ago about,

You know,

When we're in a relationship and I have many clients actually where,

You know,

Their husband or their wives do not speak up or stand up to their parents when the parents are not being nice to their spouse or their girlfriend,

Boyfriend.

There's sometimes these,

This codependency thing going on or I'm a pleaser and I,

I can't say that to my mom because it's my mom and like BS again,

It's your mom and she's been getting away with this BS for far too long.

It's time to stop cause it's really,

Really unhealthy and it's going to hurt your marriage.

It's time to stop.

So this is a whole other podcast I'm going to do on really getting clear on how we set these boundaries,

But it's about healing this codependency,

Transforming it so you can set boundaries.

Toxic relationships are not okay.

They're poison and they will erode your husband and wife,

Sister,

Friend,

Parent,

They,

They,

Toxicity erodes relationships.

So I'm giving you these signs today so you know if you're in one,

Then you got to take the next steps to move through it.

So,

All right,

Here we go.

Number three,

If you find yourself defending and ready for a fight at the thought of that person or as soon as they enter the room or you have to,

Like you feel like you have to put a wall up to get ready for it,

Whatever it may be,

Like confrontation,

Conflict,

A lot of people use sarcasm.

There's sarcasm,

You know,

There's,

There's funny humor and being funny and a,

And a comedian,

But there's also sarcasm that's got a zinger in it and a stinger in it and it's intentional to hurt someone else,

Toxic,

Okay?

If you feel like you've got to put a wall up with somebody,

It's a toxic relationship.

Healthy people,

Think about it like this,

Do not need to put up walls or to defend themselves or even think about defending themselves.

If you're in a healthy relationship,

It's easy,

It's relaxed,

It's fun,

It's lighthearted,

It's safe.

If the relationship feels unsafe,

Toxic,

Toxic,

Toxic,

Toxic,

Unsafe relationships are toxic.

Okay?

If you find yourself ready to lash out when that person is again,

Is around,

Again,

Toxic relationship.

This is why I'm going to say it again,

Stay connected to yourself.

Notice what's going on with you.

We miss this stuff.

It becomes so automatic,

You know,

We get in that adolescent chair and it's like,

Oh,

There's my brother-in-law.

I'm just going to go ahead and,

Uh,

Put my wall up.

But it's this unconscious thing when we're in our adult chair,

I'm going to notice that I'm putting my wall up and when I'm putting my wall up,

It really ticks me off because I don't want to have to do that with anybody.

So then we're going to realize,

Hey,

Hold on.

That's a toxic relationship.

My brother-in-law is really toxic.

I don't want to be in relationship with them.

Okay,

Great.

Okay,

Next one.

When the other person blames you for everything,

In other words,

They do no wrong and everything is your fault,

Which is kind of a sign of a narcissist.

I'm just saying,

If they do apologize,

They will say it in the backwards way.

I'm sure you all have heard this.

I am sorry you feel that way.

Okay.

That's not an apology.

I'm sorry you feel that way.

What the heck is that?

An apology is,

Hey,

I'm so sorry that I hurt your feelings.

Hey,

I'm so sorry that I hurt you.

I will not do that again.

I really am deeply sorry about that.

That's an apology.

I'm sorry you feel that way is a backward apology.

Unacceptable.

Someone that does not take ownership of their stuff would say something like that.

Another sign of a narcissist,

By the way.

If you're getting blamed for everything,

Take a close look at yourself,

What you have done and wonder,

Is there any truth that,

That you should get blamed for everything that happened here today?

And then again,

If you're a near adult and you're really aware,

You'll look back and go,

Oh,

That's interesting.

I'm realizing I get blamed for everything.

Toxic,

Toxic,

Alert,

Toxic,

Alert,

Not healthy.

I can't believe that every single time it's your fault and that you deserve blame.

No way,

No way.

Don't believe it.

So if you are someone that gets blamed all the time,

I want you to start looking at that other person.

And I want you to also ask yourself this,

Is it true that I should take full responsibility for fill in the blank?

Is that true?

Okay,

Number five,

You're getting gaslighted.

Okay.

Everyone know what that term is?

I'm going to tell you about it because I don't think a lot of people know.

Some people still look at me and go,

What's that mean?

So let me tell you what that means.

It's a characteristic that actually comes from a movie from like,

I think in 1944 called Gaslight.

It's a psychological manipulation in which someone or a person seeks to create doubt and makes you question your reality,

Your memory,

Your perception,

Or even your sanity.

Okay?

So someone that's gaslighting you,

Which again is another characteristic of a narcissist,

But anybody can gaslight.

You don't have to be a raging narcissist to do this.

It can be a really controlling person too,

But they say things in order to make you doubt who you are or your reality.

And when you start believing it,

That's a problem.

So again,

If I'm connected to myself,

I'm going to catch if they are gaslighting me,

But if I'm not connected myself and giving that other person all my power,

Then I don't know that I'm being gaslighted or gaslit.

I don't know how to say that,

Gaslit or gaslighted,

I think gaslit.

Anyway,

I had a client that had a husband that had huge control issues,

Which I did not know at the time,

But she'd come in,

She was looking for some coaching and she was talking about her family.

I'm like,

Oh,

This is wonderful.

She was wanting to make some changes in her life.

So we're talking about it and she said,

You know,

I really want to go back to college and finish my degree.

I got pregnant in college.

I had to get married and I missed the last year of college.

She says,

I'd love to do that.

You know,

My kids are in middle school now.

And she said,

I really would like to do that.

I said,

Well,

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't do that if that's what you want to do.

And she was so excited.

She says,

You know,

I've organized it.

I've got,

I've already looked into classes and the kids will be at school only when I'm or she goes,

I will be in school only when my kids are in school.

And it's only three days a week.

She goes,

And it'll take me a year,

But I only have one year and then I can have my four year degree.

And I said,

That's fantastic.

If that's something you want to do,

Go for it.

So we talked about,

You know,

The plan,

Et cetera,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

She was beside herself.

She was so happy.

Two weeks later,

She came in and I said,

Tell me what's going on.

I said,

Are you,

Have you enrolled?

You know,

What's going on?

I know you're going to start in a month or so for the next semester of classes.

And she says,

I think that was the dumbest idea.

I'm just,

I'm not going to do it.

I can't even believe I had that idea.

I was like,

Wait a minute.

What happened the last two weeks?

What happened?

And she presented the idea of school to her husband.

She went home.

She was all excited.

And he laughed in her face.

And he said things like,

Oh,

I remember he said,

Oh,

Come on.

Why would you waste your time going back to school?

That's absolutely ridiculous.

That's the silliest thing I've ever heard you say.

We're financially well off because of my job.

So we don't need any money.

Why would,

Why do you feel like you need to go back to school anyway?

And she said,

Well,

I just,

It's just something I'd like to do.

I don't know what I'll do with it,

But I really want to just finish.

It's just hanging over my head.

I just have this one year left.

He goes,

That's ridiculous.

He goes,

And not only that,

I mean,

You need to be here with the kids.

And she says,

No,

No,

I'm going to do it when they're in school and it's only three days a week.

And he said,

I can't believe you'd even think about that at your age.

Oh my God,

I wanted to die.

I said,

What?

He said,

What?

She says,

Yeah,

You know,

This is the thing with gaslighting.

We believe them.

So she was believing him.

She says,

Yeah,

I think I am 42.

So maybe it's a silly idea.

Maybe I shouldn't do it.

I don't know.

You know,

I think he's right.

And all the stuff he said to her,

She said,

You know,

He did say this and he's probably right.

I mean,

He's really worried the house is going to be,

You know,

Not as clean.

And I don't know if I'm going to be able to make meals as much as I've been making meals.

I'm like,

Freeze them on Sundays,

Get home chef.

Like there's so many options.

And she goes,

Well,

Maybe the house will be messier.

And I said,

What?

And everything that he said,

She believed him.

And the thing that really got me,

Of course,

When he said that she was too old and he's like,

Well,

Why do you,

Why would you want to be with a bunch of teenagers in college?

I mean,

You're so much older than them.

You're so,

You're so far beyond that.

And he says to her,

You know,

If money is what you need,

Let me know and tell me what you need and I'll just give you,

You know,

Money.

I don't know why you feel like you want to go back to college.

That is the silliest,

Silliest thing.

So I had to explain what gaslighting was to her.

She had never heard of the term and this was exactly what he was doing to her.

Then we talked about control and where else she saw that in her marriage.

And she realized he had been doing this for a long,

Long,

Long time.

And thank God she was able to find her truth and she could hear what I was saying to her and she could then see clearly what her husband had been doing to her and the control he wanted to have on her and did have on her.

And that going back to school is exactly what she needed to do for her.

And guess what?

She signed up for school.

But at the end,

I was so happy.

But gaslighting,

Toxic,

And it's happens,

It's so sneaky and tricky because people that gaslight will do it with a smell in their face.

And there's people that love us,

So we think and we're like,

Well,

Gosh,

You know,

They really love me,

You know,

Maybe,

Hmm,

Maybe they're right,

You know,

Am I too old to go back to college?

No,

No,

No,

No.

You're going back to college.

I didn't,

Of course,

Didn't say it like that.

Together,

It helps her to see,

First of all,

That there was gaslighting and that there was huge control,

But she did end up signing up,

Which was fantastic.

So just notice if you give your truth away to someone else that does not agree with what you might want to do or your opinion,

Do you give yourself away or give your truth away to that other person?

And perhaps it's gaslighting.

So just pay attention,

Stay connected,

Stay connected to yourself and aware.

Okay.

Last one,

You find yourself tongue tied and afraid to speak up.

So I noticed that some people feel like they can't think straight.

I'll hear reports of people that will say things like,

I just,

I can't,

I remember this guy came in actually,

And he said,

It's like,

I can't think straight.

When my wife starts talking to me like this,

She's so direct.

She gets so angry.

I can't even think straight.

I don't even know what my name is.

And I said,

You know,

Maybe you're even leaving your body because you're so triggered by something that's happening.

So there's triggering that happens,

But if it happens repeatedly and you find yourself going into this place where you're tongue tied and you can't speak up because that other person perhaps is raging at you,

Is angry at you,

There's,

This is different than PTSD.

You guys,

When we lose ourselves,

This is,

I'm afraid to speak up because that person's going to rage on me or I'm afraid to speak up because that person's going to take a swing at me,

Which by the way,

You know,

My opinion on that,

If someone's doing that,

Get out.

But if we're afraid to speak up because of that other person's reaction,

Whether it be anger,

Control,

Blame,

Whatever it is,

What we need to do is realize we might be in a toxic relationship with that person.

And more than likely,

If it happens over and over and over again,

It probably is,

Okay?

I remember I had a client and when her husband would come home and this guy was a rager,

She never knew what it was going to be like.

So she would find herself stuttering with him and she couldn't remember,

Like it was like her memory would shut down and then he would make cruel jokes at her and laugh at her and then he would say he was just kidding around,

Okay?

Which is BS again.

And she would come into my office and she'd say,

What is wrong with me?

You know,

I feel so stupid.

I'm an idiot.

I can't figure out what I'm even saying.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Can you help me?

I need to like stay solid and I don't know why I feel like a child when I'm with him.

And I said,

Does this happen all the time?

And she said,

Yeah,

It does.

You know,

It's just,

That's just a sense of humor.

But this guy was a rager.

And I said,

Huh?

I said,

So does he rage on you?

She goes,

Yeah,

Every so often he does.

I said,

Well,

Hello,

Your inner child is terrified that he's going to rage any moment.

So you probably leave your body.

And she says,

I didn't even think about it like that.

And I said,

You're in a toxic relationship.

And she says,

Oh my God.

And I said,

Can you say that out loud?

And I said,

I invited her to say,

I'm in a toxic relationship and my husband acts in an abusive way toward me.

And I said,

Would you agree that that's a true statement?

And she said,

Oh my gosh,

I think so.

And I said,

We'll say it out loud and just try it on for size and see how it feels.

And she did.

And she says,

Oh my God.

And she started to cry.

I said,

What's going on?

And she said to me,

I remember she was like whispering.

She says,

You're right.

She says,

I'm in a toxic relationship.

Now what do I do?

Oh,

That was a heavy one.

I remember she said,

I can't do this.

I don't know what to do though.

So I just wanted to give you guys a few ideas of what toxic relationships look like or toxicity looks like in a relationship.

The obvious ones,

Of course,

Like hitting,

Yelling,

Physical violence that I did not mention or I somewhat did.

The ones that have addiction involved,

Like someone you're in a relationship with that might come over or come home drunk or on drugs.

It's just not okay.

If someone ever lays a hand on you,

It's abusive and toxic.

Get out.

Get help.

So here's the thing.

What are we going to do about if we're in a toxic relationship?

What I have found with so many clients over the last almost 25 years now,

I've seen clients and holding events is that,

Again,

Like I said earlier,

Toxic relationships may start out like really wonderful,

But they're a mask.

So please don't blame yourself.

If you're in a relationship with a narcissist,

Whether it's a parent or loved one or whomever,

They come across treating you like gold and then it flips,

The mask flips.

Same with a psychopath.

So what I find happens is that,

Again,

It's like a termite that's slowly eating away at a tree.

It's like one little small bite or one chip away at our self-esteem after the next,

After the next,

After the next.

And then one day you wake up and you go,

What in the hell?

What's going on here?

How did I get like this?

How did this happen?

It did not happen overnight.

It happened over time.

So you've got to learn,

Just like you were whittled away,

Your self-esteem was whittled away and your sense of self was whittled away over time by this person.

You've got to build yourself back up.

So when someone says to me,

How do I stop this toxic person?

I say,

It's not about them.

It's about you.

You've got to go back into you.

You must build up your self-esteem.

Every single day you can do small things that build up and grow your self-esteem.

And once the self-esteem hits a level that brings you into more empowerment and confidence,

Then we set the boundary with that toxic person.

It may look like you're speaking the boundary or never seen that person again.

I don't know.

In some cases,

That's what's going to have to happen.

But the bottom line is we have to start with building up our self-esteem because we've lost our sense of self.

It's the first thing.

It doesn't take years and years and years.

It takes practice though.

And you'll find the more you practice,

The faster it builds.

But that's the very,

Very first step and the most important step.

It's rebuilding your whole foundation of self.

So by building up that self-esteem,

We then find our power and then we can change our lives.

So I hope these six plus signs helped you note and notice if you or someone you love is in a toxic relationship.

If they are,

Send them this podcast,

You guys.

It's not.

.

.

I hate to hear these things when people are in these really,

Really,

Really unhealthy relationships and they don't even know.

That's why I did the show today.

I'm just realizing so many people blame themselves and it's not your fault.

It's not.

So we need to stop with the blame and specifically the self-blame and just notice there's something off here.

Find your truth.

There's something off here.

I'm in a toxic relationship and it's not me.

It's just toxic,

Period.

And then we make the steps to build our way out of that.

Until next week,

You guys,

Have a beautiful week and love to you all.

And I'll see you seated right here next week.