Self Care & Relationships (Recorded Live Feb. 2022)

Okay,

Well,

Officially welcoming you to today's topic,

Which is called self-care and relationships.

And we have so many comments here of what brought you here.

So I'm going to go through some of them and just read them out.

Because what I have found,

And I'm sure what all of you has found is even if you are not comfortable putting your comments into the comment section live here,

What somebody else put in probably resonates with you.

So if you are feeling a little uneasy or uncomfortable,

Or you're called to put something into the comments,

Know that it's not just for you,

There's likely somebody else here listening and watching that has a very similar or the same question and you guys can be there to support each other.

So Janet says I'm going through a second divorce and trying to regain my footing to and learn to live alone.

Ah,

We feel like we are in the outside since we've been working on ourselves.

We feel like we are the ones with the problems.

That's okay,

Debbie,

That's beautiful.

I pulled away from friends while I work on healing.

And it doesn't feel right though.

So there's a we will talk about that because there's a time to pull away and really do some healing.

And then when you're starting to feel that pull to go back,

Then you can go back into making those connections again.

Katrina says I feel like since I've been on this deeper path of self discovery,

I'm feeling further and further from my husband of 17 years.

I can feel that one and we will talk about that as well.

Almost finds him annoying,

Which makes me sad.

I'm finding some of my relationships aren't on the same wavelength of where I am working on going and struggling to navigate that along with like,

Along with finding like minded people beautiful,

Beautiful.

Well,

I'm so glad you're all here for this conversation.

Remember,

I will share and speak from my experience.

But so much of this truly comes from you guys having the conversation and supporting each other as well.

So let's get started.

The first thing I really want to talk about today is talking about boundaries.

And a lot of you have already set it up,

You've created these boundaries,

Because I'm doing this healing work.

And I knew I needed to kind of go inward.

And I maybe cut some people out for the time being,

Where I let some relationships go for the time being.

And that's,

I want to a applaud you for doing that,

Because that's a really hard thing to do.

So you're setting these boundaries,

Because you know that you need the healing.

And now maybe you're trying to reintegrate after doing that healing and saying,

Well,

Now I'm craving those relationships again,

Or now I've noticed strain in some of those relationships,

How do I now take this self healing and bring it into my relationships,

That is not where I expected the conversation to go today,

But I'm working.

Sorry,

Totally was gonna record the audio,

But if it's not there,

That's okay.

That's better.

All right.

Well,

Sorry,

Those on the recording.

So continue recording.

I hope it's working.

It looks like it was all right.

Well,

We're just going to keep going.

And if it doesn't record,

Then it's not going to be Oh,

You guys lost my sound now.

Hold on.

Okay.

That was weird.

Okay.

Did the sound come back?

Okay,

Good.

Okay.

Phew.

All right.

Well,

That was kind of weird.

I've never had that happen before.

All right.

Let me see what Vicky says going through a major breakthrough physically and mentally.

I've had chronic pain for 40 years,

Post COVID syndrome,

15 months,

Major depression,

Life is actually getting better.

I didn't think it was possible.

Significant other,

Definitely more negative tends to break me down when I'm working so hard to see the positive.

Okay.

All right.

So we're going to go back to what we were talking about before I got so really interrupted by zoom and audio issues.

We're talking about boundaries.

And we've set these boundaries because we've done this internal healing.

So when I started my journey,

My really going deep into my own healing and my own journey,

I not separated from my husband,

But I really took the time he was going through his own stuff.

He was going through a bout of depression and he was dealing with his own heart.

And it was just as you said,

You know,

Their negativity,

His negativity started to bring me down.

And that was Vicky that said that.

So his negativity was bringing me down.

And just out of sheer necessity,

I realized I needed to make a separation.

And while I loved him and I cared for him and he was going through some stuff,

I was struggling.

I was finding myself spending more time supporting him.

And as I was supporting him,

Nothing was changing.

I was like,

Why am I expending all of this energy supporting somebody who's not listening,

Who's getting more depressed,

Who's bringing me down.

So I went inward and I spent more time working on myself than I did on our relationship.

And it was really hard and really challenging.

So I set that unintentionally,

Didn't really know what I was doing,

But simply out of necessity,

Set that boundary.

And that's when I started waking up.

I just need some more started waking up early in the morning.

I started a regular meditation practice,

Started journaling and I started again,

Unintentionally healing myself because that's what I needed to do in the moment.

And then what happened was the reintegration of how do I now take this healing and bring it into our relationship without going back to where we were before.

And it wasn't,

And it's not because there are still moments,

Even this morning,

I had to really realign myself to say,

How can I set my boundary where I am aligned with myself,

Supportive of my husband,

But also not allowing his negativity to drive where I am.

Not that he's being negative because he's,

There's a potential.

So there's a pattern.

So we have patterns in our lives that we see over and over again with our relationships.

So we've got boundaries,

But we also have patterns within our relationships.

And we have created those patterns,

Whether it's a spouse,

A parent,

A sibling,

A friend,

A colleague,

We've created patterns in our relationships and patterns that the other person also has expectations of us.

So the pattern for my husband and I was,

He would feel really happy.

I would try to come in and try to help.

And then I would get angry and bad and frustrated at him and just say,

Why can't you just decide to be happy?

That was honestly how I thought,

Which is him going back.

It feels very cool,

But that's what I was dealing with.

That's what I was going through.

So I had this pattern in our relationship that when he's having a bad day,

I try to fix it.

And then I'm like,

Why can't you be better?

Because you being happy is going to help me be happy.

That's,

That was my pattern.

That was the pattern that I had created that we had created together.

And it wasn't a healthy pattern in any way.

And I still see it come up when maybe he's having a bad day or he comes home from work and he's really frustrated.

I actually have to,

In my mind,

Lock myself through.

How do I now become supportive,

Keep myself in alignment,

Take care of myself,

But also support you at the same time.

It's a lot.

And sometimes it's more than I can handle.

So I have said to him in the past,

I can't really support you right now.

I know you're having a really bad day,

But I'm not in a space to be able to support you.

And that maybe isn't the nicest or what he wants to hear,

But it's not my problem.

If I'm not in a space to be around that,

Then I need to walk away from it.

But also at the same token of,

Okay,

Well,

I'm clearly being triggered by something.

So we have these patterns that we've created in relationships,

And now we need to change the patterns and changing patterns and changing habits is difficult.

And it happens one moment at a time,

One day at a time.

And work might take two steps forward to take one step back.

But every time we take one step back,

We can relook at it and say,

Hey,

This isn't where I want to be.

I'm repeating the pattern.

Let's change it.

And keep our household ship afloat.

Absolutely.

We're doing all this stuff and continuing to keep the household running with the children and the activities and all the things happening at the same time.

So we've created these patterns.

So how do we now shift these patterns?

So we've created boundaries.

And if you're not someone who put in the comments earlier that you've created the boundary and now you want to reintegrate,

Maybe you haven't created that balance yet.

I'm going to say,

Start here and create that boundary and realize that even though it's challenging,

Even though it's hard,

It's going to be the best thing you can do for yourself.

Because once you heal you,

You can bring your healed self back into that relationship.

And what's going to happen if you're going to come back into that relationship and you're going to start to see old patterns come up.

And this is where all of your healing happens.

So for those of you who are saying now I need to reintegrate,

I'm starting to heal.

Guess what?

Also our healing journey never ends.

We're always continuing to heal.

So now we want to bring all the healing you've done.

And now we've got these patterns.

Because this other person is used to us being a certain way.

This other person is used to us responding,

Whether it's healthy or unhealthy or positive or negative,

They're used to us responding and reacting in a certain way.

But now we're bringing this healing,

This work that we've done,

And we have to now set new patterns.

And just like beliefs are thoughts that we've thought over and over and over and over again.

And now we just think them automatically.

That's what beliefs are.

Changing a belief is simply changing a thought,

Changing that thought over and over and over again.

Changing this pattern in your relationship is going to take time.

And you're going to have to recreate it over and over and over again until A,

It becomes a habit for you to respond in that way.

And B,

The other person starts to learn,

Oh,

This is how they reacted before.

This is their changing.

And they may not like what is being changed because change is hard.

But you have to dig to your own healing and your own alignment and know that the patterns that you're shifting and changing and creating this new relationship,

Because you will create a new relationship.

We don't want the relationships that we have to be the same that we had 20 years ago.

We want them to grow and change.

But that also requires shifting in patterns.

If you want to get closer to someone and you're not close to them now,

Well,

What tore you apart?

It was things and habits that you created over time.

So you want to become closer to somebody and you want to take this healing that you've done and bring this.

You don't have to teach them the healing.

You just have to bring yourself into the relationship and bring what you've done into the relationship.

And I just read it in this book that I'm reading.

I think it's really powerful.

I'm going to read.

I hope I can find it quickly.

It just came up in my mind.

So A,

Here's the book that I'm reading now.

It's good.

It's a good book.

It's OK.

It's not like great.

It's it's kind of a challenging read,

But it's it's good.

I picked up a lot of little nuggets.

So I'm sharing that to you while I look through the page.

Here we go.

It is I just I literally just read this paragraph this morning,

Although let's see.

And this is talking about like kind of having guests over and being intentional with food and feeding people.

That's kind of where this comes from.

It is not my responsibility to enlighten my guests only to provide an atmosphere in which they can be loved.

I believe that after a while,

The kind,

Unconditional expression of love reaches even the densest of beings.

The goal is to express this is the life.

The goal is to express love,

Whether or not it is received out of our hands is out of our hands.

So I'm going to read that last line.

Yeah,

It's it's I mean,

It's good.

It's definitely I'm learning a lot of little nuggets.

So the goal is to express love,

Whether or not it is received is out of our hands.

So it's a really beautiful line in that it's out of our hands.

We are not responsible for somebody else's reaction to us.

But we are responsible that if we want to shift a pattern in our relationship,

And we want to bring this new version of us into the relationship,

We need to understand that it might not be fully expected by somebody else.

And it's not our job to say,

Well,

If you don't accept me,

Then this is you got to give somebody time,

It took you time to heal,

You didn't heal overnight,

You separated this boundary.

So just in the same token,

It's going to take time to shift those patterns and see if that other person is willing to accept you for who you are.

But you've also got to give them grace and time to,

To realize that who they're now going to be around and be with is somebody different,

That you've grown and changed and give them time to understand who you are,

And who you would,

You know,

As you separate it yourself,

And you really went into your internal feelings,

Don't expect them to accept you right out of the gate.

Because for them,

They're looking at it as,

Well,

I know who you were,

Who is this new person,

Give them a chance to learn about who you are,

And to understand where you're coming from.

And your your object is to simply give them love and to be there and to present who you are.

And to understand that they'll either accept you in due time,

Or they'll never accept you,

But you've got to give that other person time.

You've got to give that other person grace to understand where you're coming from.

Yeah.

Yes,

And you can't force feel your healing on anybody.

Because you got to understand their their place too.

And that's kind of a lot of where I came from,

Before I really started my healing and separated that boundary from my husband was I was just trying to,

I was learning so much and I was doing so much personal development.

And I was trying to force feed it on him.

And I realized that the moment I stopped,

I stopped asking him how he was,

I stopped giving him advice,

I would give him advice.

And if he did took it,

He took it if he did it,

He did it.

But that was it.

That's all I all I could do is express through love for him.

But I can't expect him to listen and to take my advice,

I have to allow him to go on his own feeling journey,

Should he choose to,

It's not my job to force him to come along.

You,

You help a partner change by you changing,

You don't have to expect them,

They will change on their own,

Possibly,

They might not,

You don't know,

But you have no control over whether they change or not.

But you have to continue showing them.

But not in a forceful way,

In a loving,

Kind,

Intentional way.

And not saying,

Well,

This is who I am.

Now you need to accept you're not no,

No one's gonna accept that because that's not coming from love.

That that's coming from pain and hurt.

But if you can come at them,

Come with them.

And just saying,

I know this might be hard,

I've learned a whole lot of things,

I'm just going to start shifting and changing.

And coming from a kind of a place and supportive of saying,

I support you and your healing wherever you are.

And maybe they're not healing,

Maybe that's not the conversation you have.

But you can't force them to change all you can do,

You can do what you have control over.

And that is you.

You don't have control over anybody else,

You simply have control over you.

And if you're waiting for somebody else to change in order to make you happy,

Then you've missed the point of what self care and being internal and loving yourself is all about.

It's about you loving yourself,

Not needing anyone else to come along.

And you can love somebody and care about them and support them.

Even if they're doing their own thing,

Because if you want someone else to think about it,

If you want someone else to love you,

And you're going on this journey,

And it's weird,

And it's different,

And they don't understand what you're doing,

But you just want them to accept you for who you are.

You also then have to turn around and accept them for who they are,

Whatever they are on their journey.

Not expecting them to change or wanting them to change with saying,

I love you for who you are.

And all I'm asking for you to do is to love me for who I am.

And you help them see that by loving them for who they are.

And they see how valuable that is,

Whether they realize it or not.

You want someone to love you for who you are,

You must,

You're being the mirror.

And if you're upset because somebody's not loving you for who you are,

Turn the mirror on yourself.

I'm mad at you because you're not accepting me for who I am.

I'm mad at you because you're not understanding where I'm coming from.

I'm mad at you because you're not trying to be a part of this relationship.

Every time you say something about somebody else,

Turn the mirror on yourself and flip it around.

I'm mad at me because I'm not accepting this relationship as it is.

I'm mad at me because I'm not showing you the support that you deserve.

This is the mirror.

Every time we're triggered,

Every time we're hurt,

Especially when it comes to the relationship,

Turn the mirror around on yourself and look at it at yourself.

And then do that healing and then bring that back into the relationship.

I'm not for sure if I'm an empath,

But sometimes I get confusing feelings that after the fact seems like I'm taking on someone else's feelings as my own.

Some people,

You're right,

Donna,

Some people won't ever feel better.

And it is not your responsibility to make them feel better.

It is your responsibility to love them where they are because that's what they deserve.

Everybody deserves to be loved.

Yeah.

Thank you for rewriting that Katrina.

Yes.

It's Buddha mom.

Yeah.

And if you're not sure we're we all pick up on energy.

Some people are stronger empaths than others and they pick up on energy and they're like,

I don't know why I'm sad.

I don't know why I'm angry.

That's a really beautiful time to journal,

To meditate and to really just sit with the feeling.

So,

So Emily,

If that's what's happening to you and you're realizing you're having an emotion and you're not sure where it came from,

Investigate it,

Investigate that emotion and feel it.

Where do you feel that emotion in your body?

I feel sadness and it feels here and just sit with it.

I read this book,

The 90 seconds reset and spend 90 seconds just sitting with that emotion and just feeling it in your body.

You can journal on it.

Like where is this coming from?

I'm feeling sad.

What was I doing right before I started feeling this way?

And use that as an opportunity to explore.

And as you explore,

You become more aware.

And as you become more aware,

If you'll have an easier time realizing this is mine,

This is somebody else's.

And I see that a lot,

Especially I wouldn't necessarily call myself an empath.

I think we all have empathic feelings and we feel emotions of others,

Especially as parents or spouses when you're around somebody.

When my husband's angry about something,

I tend to pick up on it.

And I've really worked really hard to say that's his emotions.

And I'm going to allow him to have his emotions.

He's allowed to have his emotions.

And I'm going to let him be there and I'm going to let him work through it however he sees fit to work through it without forcing them to change or do anything different.

So if I'm looking at it and saying I'm frustrated by his anger or now I'm angry and bad.

And you know,

I can see he's getting short-tempered with the kids and then all of a sudden I'm getting short-tempered with the kids.

And I'm like,

Wait,

Is that my anger and impatience or is that his that I'm picking up on?

And the more I become aware of it,

The more I can catch it before it gets out of hand and I can stop it.

It's that analogy that Abraham had fixed use of,

You know,

You're pushing your car down a hill.

It's easier to stop the car when it's at the top of the hill.

But as it gets further down the hill,

It picks up more momentum and you can't just stop it.

You just have to get out of the way,

Right?

So if you notice something as you become more aware and as you do more investigations,

You can stop it before it gets too much momentum and you're picking up on someone else's emotions and pull back and say,

Okay,

I need to pull back because I'm feeling something and I just want to explore it.

And you can start to notice it sooner.

And that's what I really noticed when it came to my relationship with my husband was,

Am I trying to fix him or am I just allowing him to be?

And sometimes it meant he'd be talking to me and he'd be complaining and I'd be listening,

Not really listening,

But just allowing him to vent.

But in my mind,

I'm thinking just allow him to express his emotions,

Just allowing him to express his emotions.

He is allowed to do this.

And I would repeat that in my mind,

Even though I wasn't paying attention to what he was saying,

That was a part of my acceptance of him and my healing and saying,

I don't want to get sucked into what he's feeling,

But I also want to support him.

I do that less now than I did in the beginning a couple of years ago,

But it still happens.

And then there are times where I have to say,

I'm sorry,

I'm just,

I can't listen right now because I know I'm going to feed on it and that's not going to be helpful for either of us.

Yes,

Thank you,

Neil.

The title is The 90 Second Reset was the other book that I talked about.

I really enjoyed that one.

And so much of what I'm reading and learning now is just simply honoring your emotions and where you are and paying attention to them,

Not changing them,

Not shifting them,

But truly honoring your emotions.

And this is how you do self-care and relationships because you've got to honor your emotions,

But you also have to honor somebody else's emotions.

Yours,

Your emotions,

And others' emotions.

Because a lot of times we just want people to say that this is how I'm feeling.

Why can't you accept me?

But if we turn that around and say,

How can I accept their emotions and accept them for where they are?

Because that's how I'm asking for it from other people.

Yes,

Men embark on these journeys and my husband is on one.

So I can tell you for a fact,

Yes,

They do.

If we give them the space to do so on their own and not in the same way that we do.

That's my experience.

That's what I found to be really helpful.

So as I said,

I stopped asking my husband how he was doing.

I stopped really giving him advice.

And now,

Now we're on a different relationship where I can say,

Do you want advice or do you just want to vent?

Like,

Where are you right now?

And,

Or can sometimes starting to pick up on it.

I'm like,

He just needs to vent right now.

So he doesn't need to give him advice.

Can he meet with mine?

So here's,

Here's what I'm going to say.

I want to say,

Yes,

You have to be willing to allow him to go like this home journey too.

So my husband started going on his own journey and I just let it happen.

There were times when I try to suggest a coach or a class or something to him that he didn't take.

And sometimes that's hard.

And I just allowed him to go.

And he ended up finding his own coach.

He found his own accountability group.

He started working with somebody and it was really,

Has been really beneficial to him.

It's a similar,

But different path to mine.

So yes,

He meditates,

But he meditates in a very different way.

Yes,

He reads personal development books,

But we do not read the same personal development books because we were on different paths,

But our two paths can align together so that we can be purpose.

Cause I can't expect him to be on my path and he can't expect me to be on his,

But we can support each other on each other's path.

And that's in my opinion,

And in my experience,

That's what it's about.

It's not about being on the same path,

But it's about learning to support each other wherever we are in the moment and trusting each other and saying,

You're doing exactly what you need to do right now.

And I'm doing exactly what I need to do right now.

And when we find that support for each other,

We become unstoppable.

And we learn how to be in a relationship together,

But not do everything together.

Like healing doesn't,

And then there are some relationships where maybe it is the same,

But every human being is different and we have to allow our partners to go on their own journeys as well.

And so I will say my husband is in a coaching group and it's got men and women in it.

It's for law enforcement officers,

Cause that's who they are.

So it's got men and women,

But it's led by a man who really focuses on family,

Fitness and like family health and personal development.

I can't really,

I'm like,

My brain is going on that way,

But he's great.

And my husband found a lot of zone.

And when he first found him,

I was like,

Sure.

I was a little hesitant,

But I realized at the moment that was back in 2019,

It was January of 2019.

And I remember thinking,

Just don't do it.

Cause I I'm kind of like that.

Can I spend this money kind of person?

So I do the budget in our house.

We are now working together to go,

But at the time I was doing the budget.

He said,

Well,

I wanted you to just give me the money to do this.

And I was like,

I'm like,

You know what?

I've done a lot of healing for me.

I need to let him do this for himself.

He feels caught.

And that's what I,

Whenever he asked me,

I said,

If it feels right to you,

Then go do it.

Cause I've done enough for myself over the years.

So go do it.

If that's what feels right to you,

Don't force yourself to do it and then do what feels right to you.

So yes,

They can,

If we allow them,

But we're going to organize a man's weekend.

Oh yeah.

So every morning,

So my husband and I wake up at four 30.

We go our separate ways in the morning.

He goes and does his own thing in the morning.

I go,

I do my own thing.

So we meditate and read.

He's got a planner that he puts all his stuff in his planner looks very different than mine.

So what the boxes he checks off and the things that he pays attention to are very different than what I do,

But we have that separate time in the morning.

And then usually we meet up together and we do our workouts together,

Which is something we've always done as a couple.

We lost that for a couple of years when we first had kids since moving into our new house,

We have a bigger space,

We have a home gym.

So we're able to bring that back together.

So that was really important for us to do,

But he wasn't a morning person until like a year or two ago,

Moved into the house.

We started having a time.

So yeah,

We have separate self-care time and it looks similar,

But different,

But not that's not done on purpose that was just done because that's just what we work on together.

So we read and we both meditate,

But it's done completely separately and we give each other the space.

So I woke up this morning,

You know,

It's a Saturday,

We're sleeping in a little bit later.

We're doing things a little bit differently.

I wake up,

I see him meditating at a different time after I work out,

You know,

All of these things saying,

I just want to do this for myself.

And even this week,

I actually said to him,

I kind of want to work out differently.

So I did my workout separate from him for the past week.

And I'll probably do that for the next week or two.

And then I'm traveling in March and then we're going to come back together and do the same workout to get started in March.

But kind of taking that space,

Like I could feel myself needing to kind of be alone and have that space to myself.

And he allows me to do that because he supports me and I support him.

And if he wanted to do something different,

I'd say,

Okay.

And it's challenging though,

An hour.

Yeah,

Typically,

So we wake up at 4.

30 and then we usually meet back together about six or six 15.

Yeah.

Vicki,

Well,

Vicki messaged me and I can send you the information on my husband's coach if your significant other is interested as well.

Yeah.

Any tips for co-budgeting?

Yeah,

I would love that as well.

We are in the process of co-budgeting.

I can hear my guys' eyes rolling already.

Yeah,

That's what I mean.

You can't force anything on them.

And when they're ready,

They might find their own path.

And that's exactly what I never thought he joined like a coaching group or accountability group.

It just kind of happened.

And I allowed it since I allowed him that space and that support because he felt comfortable finding that for himself.

And that was really valuable.

Yeah.

He rolled his eyes at me.

He'll tell me when I first started meditating,

He didn't say anything to me,

But he was like,

That's weird.

That's stupid.

I don't know why you're doing it,

But yeah,

He rolled his eyes at me for a very long time until he realized he needed to do something for himself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it is sometimes for men seen as a weakness and my husband's coach,

He will talk about that.

And he goes,

It's not because we have to take care of ourselves.

So to be surrounded with a coach who's a man,

A man has a family with young kids in the same field that he's in has been really helpful because it makes them,

It allows them to feel less.

Yeah.

What about my partner does not include me in things he enjoys doing.

We have lots of common interests,

But he never includes me in his plans because I love doing my things,

But I do believe it's important to do things together.

Okay.

So that's Naomi.

I don't know if I'm saying that right.

I want to say Naomi,

But I'm sure that's incorrect pronunciation because there's an E in there.

So if there's things,

So here's what I would say.

You want him to include you in things he enjoys doing.

If you could,

So what are some of the things that you're already doing together?

Are there things that you're doing together already?

Or have you asked?

I know that seems like a silly question of,

Well,

He,

And he might say,

But this is something that's really,

I just,

I really enjoy doing this by myself.

So I love going for walks with my husband.

Oh gosh,

Sorry.

It's probably standing on my window.

Look big though.

Anyway,

And realizing that I love going for walks with my husband.

He really,

Really likes going for walks together.

What animal is that?

There's something running around there.

Well,

I don't know what it is.

Anyway,

But there are times where I've said to him,

Like,

Just walk by myself and listen to it.

Like that's it.

I know you love doing this together,

But I need to do this just for me.

And maybe it's just for right now.

And maybe it's just for today or whatever,

But realizing that maybe that's his time for himself,

That we all need that personal self care time.

And maybe it's,

You know,

Once a month,

Can I join you and we can do this together?

It doesn't have to do,

Maybe it feels like it's an invade on his personal space.

So really easing your way in and just opening up the conversation.

Or maybe it's saying,

Is there something else we can do together that we both enjoy?

Maybe it's something completely separate,

But have you opened up the doors to the conversation and what have you said and what has he said back to you?

I think that's really worth exploring.

No,

No,

No.

I want to know what this animal is real bad,

Because I don't think it's a squirrel,

But yes.

So yeah.

Have you opened up that conversation and how has that conversation,

How have you approached that conversation from a place of love?

However,

He responds,

I'm just going to be supportive and I'm just going to listen because I want to figure this out.

Really in that exploration of saying,

I don't know the one solution to this,

But I just,

I want to be able to spend more time with you.

And I'd love to,

Can you teach me something that you enjoy doing?

So my husband is a firearms instructor.

So a couple years ago,

I probably shouldn't do this,

But a couple of years ago,

He really wanted me to learn how to shoot gun.

And I was really hesitant to do so,

But it was something that was,

Especially when we were like kind of reconnecting.

So that was back in,

I think that was 2018.

Well,

I don't remember.

Anyway,

When we were kind of spending time working to reconnect,

It allowed him to teach me something.

So if it's something he enjoys,

Maybe it's,

Can you show me how to do this?

I just,

I don't need to do it all the time,

But maybe just for the time being to show me how to do it and teach you.

So is there another way to approach it that allows him to feel comfortable in the,

You know,

Putting it all together?

Cause that,

I don't know,

I'm hoping that helps.

I struggle a lot to speak out my feelings.

Okay.

So here's what I would say,

Cause I really struggled with that too.

One of the things that really helped me was when I was meditating and journaling and really going,

I,

When I had separated my boundaries and I was going on my journey,

What helped me unintentionally did this,

It did a lot of unintentional healing,

Which I think is how it all begins for most people,

Is I had to get clear on what I wanted.

I was really struggling to verbalize my emotions and my feelings because I myself didn't understand them.

So take some time,

Journal,

Meditate on what you,

Why do you want to spend more time with your husband doing things that he enjoys?

What is it that maybe you feel like you're missing that you feel like that action is going to bring to you?

And once you get super clear on how you feel,

It allows you to express your emotions and verbalize it.

And even when it's uncomfortable,

Because it is sometimes uncomfortable,

You're like,

Hi,

Talk to you for a second,

Make sure the timing is right.

Make sure he's not distracted doing something else.

Make sure it's,

I don't know if you've got kids,

But make sure the kids aren't around.

And so really finding that space where you're both in an open space to just share and just see how this,

Don't expect a reaction,

But just say,

Hey,

I've been really feeling like I'd like to spend more time doing things that you enjoy.

And give him an example,

Be as concrete and clear as possible.

Try not to be vague,

But be absolutely clear.

I learned this very early on when my husband and I had kids that I couldn't say,

I need you to help me out of our house.

I needed to say,

I need you to wash the dishes and clean the bottles at the end of the day,

Because I'm tired.

You know,

Like those kinds of things,

Like being super clear and being super intentional and asking for exactly what you want,

But in a very loving way.

So when you're saying that I'd like to spend more time doing things that you enjoy.

No,

Be really super clear.

I know that you love doing A,

And I'm really interested in it too.

Are there times that maybe I can join you and we can do it together?

So hopefully that helps.

Oh,

I know for me on this healing journey,

I had to stop looking for ways to be offended.

Wasn't doing it intentionally.

We all kind of do that too.

Just have found a lot of triggers and expect others to somehow know that.

Yes.

And when we have our triggers,

Triggers are a beautiful way of us to say,

Okay,

I'm triggered by something you said,

Or something you did.

It is not your responsibility not to trigger me,

But let me be grateful for that trigger.

Because now I can go in and heal it.

I'm triggered by something.

Let me let me go internal and figure out why I was triggered.

Not expecting you to change or,

Or realize that what you just did triggered.

And you can simply say that in the moment,

Whether it's in the moment or afterwards,

Like,

I'm really sorry,

I acted the way I did what you said it had nothing to do with you.

I was triggered by it.

And I reacted,

I apologize.

We actually had somebody at work.

She said some,

Somebody had come in and was triggered by what she said,

And had come in for their next appointment and told her that said,

I'm sorry,

I snapped at you.

He's someone who's very aware and going on a very internal journey.

And he came in and apologized to her and said,

I'm very sorry for how I reacted.

I it had nothing to do with you.

I was triggered by what you said,

Because of something that happened to me in the past.

And it was as simple as that.

Because she even said it,

I think after it happened and said,

Wow,

That was,

He was really like short wasn't kind and was mean,

Which was not typical of his personality.

But he came back and apologized because he realized he was triggered had nothing to do with her.

But it had everything to do with it.

And he had to figure out why he was triggered.

Yeah.

And they allow us to be free.

Yeah.

My partner does not like to make plans at all.

I have voiced how I want to make plans and I'm willing to do it all.

All he needs to do is say yes,

But he likes to keep things open spontaneously.

It stresses me out.

So that's a conversation where how can we together work on this?

Oh,

And someone had asked about budgeting.

So I think I'm going to pull both of these conversations together.

So for the last,

I won't go 10 ish,

No more than that.

I don't know.

10 plus years.

I've been the one that has done the budget.

It's extremely stressful.

It's a lot of weight on my shoulders.

And over the years,

I've constantly asked my husband to make a need,

I would love for you to be a part of this,

Because it really stresses me out.

He hasn't stepped in until recently,

Until recently,

And said,

I want to do more,

I was never going to force him to be a part of that conversation.

So I continue to move along.

And I continue to do the best that I could.

And with the knowledge that I had,

And if he wasn't going to be a part of it,

How could I make it less stressful for myself?

How could I work through this without,

Because I could force him to be a part of it,

But he wasn't really going to be in and actually probably wasn't going to be helpful,

Because he wasn't going to be fully in on the process.

And it wasn't going to work.

So how do I allow him to be who he is,

Allow me to be who I am?

And then how do we then work together?

So understanding of the goal of your partner likes things that are spontaneous,

Go outside,

And you want them to be a little bit more planked,

Right?

You want them to be more like you,

Because that makes you more comfortable.

But if being more planked,

You expect them to be uncomfortable so that they can make you feel comfortable.

A lot of twisting of words here.

How can you shift that and be uncomfortable and do something for them?

And they might in turn shift and say,

Wow,

She really did that for me and that made her uncomfortable.

Let me do something for her.

So why do things that are spontaneous stress you out?

Is that a trigger?

Go in and heal,

Look deeper,

Figure that out.

Can you step out of your comfort zone,

Even just a little bit and say,

All right,

I'm going to take one morning,

I'm going to do one thing and it's going to be spontaneous.

So let's do it.

And I'm going to put myself from the step outside of my comfort zone,

And I'm going to be spontaneous,

And I'm going to follow them and just breathe through it and work with it.

Imagine if you did that with your partner,

How that would make them feel.

Would they then maybe turn around and say,

I got you did it.

That was really amazing.

All she did,

She didn't complain.

She did it.

That's really cool.

And then could they turn around and start to do the same for you?

So if you're expecting something of someone else,

Don't wait for them to do it for you.

How can you do it for them?

And then allow that flow to happen.

You're always being spontaneous for him.

All right,

We'll dig deeper.

Is there,

It sounds like there might be some resentment.

I'm always doing this for you.

You never do anything for me.

Is that true that they never do anything for you?

And why are you triggered?

Or are you not setting,

Are you not setting the boundaries?

I love doing spontaneous things,

But I don't want to do them all the time.

Set those boundaries.

Maybe you need to go back here.

I don't want to say steps one,

Two,

And three,

But how do I,

How do we go back to the beginning?

If I'm feeling resentful and I'm feeling angry,

I need to stop doing it.

And I need to explore.

I need to set that boundary and work on myself.

Because I'm clearly being triggered by something.

And I don't want to be resentful in my relationship with my partner.

So let me set that boundary and let me do my healing.

So if I set that boundary,

I do my healing here.

And I can probably go back and find that pattern.

Because I'm,

It sounds like you might be expecting him to do something different.

And saying,

I'm doing all of this for you.

Why aren't you doing anything for me?

And it's really,

Really deep.

And that's really worth exploring.

Figuring out why is that happening?

Where is this coming up?

Where is this trauma?

What is this trigger that you need to look internally on?

Don't expect somebody else to change to make you happy.

You're clearly being triggered.

Set your boundaries to your point.

And you'll be able to come back to that relationship with a different viewpoint and a different perspective.

That our event's coming up.

We need a place to stay.

He won't agree to staying anywhere.

Well then guess what?

Pick a place.

Why do you need him to,

To do it?

Maybe he'd be perfectly happy if you pick,

If he's so happy with spontaneous.

He doesn't need to be a part of the conversation.

I did that recently where I said to my husband,

When we were staying somewhere last year,

We went camping.

I said,

We found this really cool place.

What do you think?

And we looked and we looked and we looked and he was like,

I don't know.

I said,

You know what,

This is the place I want to stay.

And he's like,

Okay,

That's fine.

He might be okay.

Just go and pick the place.

That's the same way I liked the budgeting,

But we need to budget together.

You don't want to.

So guess what?

I just did it.

Somebody needed to do it.

So I did it and that's fine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He'll probably go.

Cause if he's that spontaneous,

He doesn't care.

Then go do it.

Sometimes,

Sometimes I found in relationships,

There's a lot of balancing and there's a lot of,

There's a lot of things that need to be talked about together.

Right.

You figured out where you're going and you figured out where you want to be.

Maybe he doesn't care where you stay.

It's like,

Okay,

Just give me A,

B and C and I'm good to go.

If somebody,

So I'm a very easy going laid back person.

And I said this to my husband and he knows this and we'll say,

Well,

What do you think about this?

And I go,

I don't care.

Go book it or go figure it out.

And I'm okay.

I was,

And for us,

For those of us who are very easy going,

I know like very hard for people who are planners,

But understand that he's probably not going to care.

He's probably going to be happy that you picked a place because then he doesn't have to worry about it.

Yep.

Give and take.

Then go book it.

That'll be absolutely beautiful.

Good.

And if he does and it doesn't go well,

He'll maybe see,

He wants to be,

And that's it.

And that's on him.

Or he might go,

Oh,

I wish we would have picked somewhere else.

Well,

I asked you eight times and you didn't answer me.

Like that's,

It is what it is,

Man.

Like it is what it is.

Like you can't do things for people,

But he might be very happy.

I can bet you he might go,

Oh,

That's fine.

Or ask him saying,

Well,

What do you want to,

What do you,

What is your must have and where we stay?

I'll pick the place,

But tell me what it has to have.

You know,

I'll say that when we're going camping,

I'm like,

I would like a solid roof somewhere to,

Even my husband wants to do tent camping and I'm like,

Oh,

I don't know.

Can we find like a cabin?

I didn't need indoor plumbing.

Like those kinds of things.

Like find out what he wants to make sure it has to be honest with you.

If he's that laid back and spontaneous.

Yes.

See,

Kathleen says it.

It may,

It may be that you planning everything allows him to be spontaneous because he knows we've got it.

He said it looks good,

But we need to discuss and decide schedule.

Do you,

Do you have to decide schedule or is that something you want to do?

What if you put together a schedule and said,

Hey,

What do you think of this?

Do you have any thoughts?

He probably doesn't want a schedule.

You want him to sit down and decide a schedule.

So go ahead and do it.

When we went to Disney World last year,

Oh my God,

I was insane packing,

Planning.

I had lists,

I had things typed down.

I knew what we were bringing up.

I was,

I was packing for at least a month in advance.

My husband was like,

Listen,

I'm just going to go.

You tell me where I need to be.

So what do I need to do?

I said,

You need to pack yourself.

I got the kids and me under control and Greg happy to do it.

And if we went to Colorado years ago,

He did everything.

He planned the heights.

He,

We picked the place together,

But that was because that was something that he wanted to do.

So there is,

As Dave said,

This give and take when it comes to relationship.

But if you want something,

You want a schedule,

You want to do something in the relationship,

Then go do it.

But don't wait for that person.

Like I got to wait for you to make the decision and do this thing.

Like just go do it.

They'll probably be grateful that you did it.

That's the give and take in these relationships.

He might be,

So make the schedule and he might go,

Thanks.

Now I don't have to worry about it.

Okay.

My husband would rather suffer with his dislikes of the places than suffer the indecision.

Awesome,

Nicole.

Yay.

I'm so excited for you.

That's so exciting.

Well,

Good.

Go and do it and schedule it.

And they might be,

He might be fine with it.

And if he's not,

Then next time he might be one of those,

He might want to be a part of it.

But it goes back to the self care.

If we listen,

And this is going to go back to what I said in the very beginning of listen to your intuition.

Your intuition is always going to guide you in self.

And if we're waiting on somebody else to take care of ourselves,

It's never going to happen.

So we've got to set these boundaries and be open to these boundaries and be okay with these boundaries.

And then bring that healing that we've done and bring it into our relationship.

And then guess what?

We're going to get triggered.

We're going to get triggered by our emotions,

Or someone else's emotions.

And then we're going to come right back up here to do this healing again.

Then we're going to do our healing.

We're going to fix,

Heal the pattern in the relationship.

And then we're going to continue to honor our emotions.

This isn't life as a cycle.

It's not always going to be perfect.

We're always going to be healing.

We're always going to be triggered.

And every time we're triggered and every time we heal,

We gain more clarity.

And we can bring this self care that we're doing into our relationship.

Because creating these boundaries within our relationships allows us to continue to flow.

It's not linear.

It's a flow.

And it's not even,

I want to say it's a circle.

It could be a circle,

But really it's weights.

You're just constantly riding these waves of doing self care.

Now I'm setting my boundaries and I'm down here.

Now I'm doing my self care.

Now I'm bringing myself back into a relationships.

And you're constantly just working through things and figuring things out and understanding what's going on.

But if there's something,

I actually said,

I'd really like to start thinking about what we want to do for vacation this year.

I don't necessarily want to schedule and plan.

I come to this really neat,

Very budget friendly place.

And I was like,

I kind of want to do it,

But I'm not sure.

So I might show it to him.

We might think about it.

At this point,

I don't think we're going to,

But he's not going to want to sit and start figuring out places.

So I can go and I can say,

Well,

I found X,

Y,

And Z.

And this is how we found our place when we went camping out last year.

I was like,

Oh,

I was looking here and there are a bunch of places here.

And I was looking at this place and he came in with his opinions and said,

Oh,

Let's look here instead.

And we just kind of worked through it.

But if there's something you want to do,

Go do it.

If your intuition is saying,

I need to do X,

Y,

And Z,

Then go do it.

Don't wait for somebody else.

We never need to wait for somebody else to do anything.

Yeah.

Oh,

You're so welcome,

Alaina.

We just have to accept and laugh at it.

Yeah.

And also make sure we're coming at this from a place of love.

Like,

Honey,

I know you want to be spontaneous.

I'd really like to book this place so we have it settled.

I'm going to book it.

It's going to be for these dates.

Can you just make sure that these dates work for you?

And if,

You know,

You want to do something in particular,

Make sure you let me know because I think I'm going to start working at a school.

And he might say,

I want to make sure we do this or I want to go to this restaurant or I want to do this hike or I want to do this thing or whatever.

And so,

Okay,

I can make that work.

And then for him,

It's going to feel spontaneous because he has no idea what you plan.

Yeah.

We don't need to wait for people.

Can I please have a shout out?

That's up,

Kaylee.

Yeah.

So it's going to feel spontaneous to him because he's got no clue what you've done.

So let it be.

You've got your plan and he's got his spontaneity because he has no idea what you're planning to do.

And you can wake up every day and say,

We're going to go here,

Here,

And here today.

And he's going to be great.

I know.

Think about it.

Yeah.

I love it.

You guys are amazing.

And we are very much people pleasers,

But we can't please everybody.

We have to take care of ourselves.

That's why self-care comes first.

Then the relationships come.

And then we integrate all of our self-care in.

And again,

Like I said,

It's not linear.

It's not a one-time thing.

It's constantly changing and moving and growing and integrating the self-care and the healing that we're doing into the relationships that we have,

But not having expectations for those relationships.

Because we don't know what's going to happen.

We cannot control someone else's emotions.

We cannot control someone else's reactions.

All we can do is control ourselves and be aware of our emotions and accept people for who they are.

And when we learn to do that,

Relationships become closer.

Because when someone accepts you for who you are and they accept your emotions for what happens or how you're reacting,

How does that make you feel?

Loved,

Seen,

Heard,

Just as much as you want to be loved and seen as heard,

So does that other person.

So if they're acting a certain way,

Whether they're negative or positive or they're doing something that you don't like,

Because they're not like you and they're very different and they think differently and they feel differently and they have different reactions.

When they feel loved,

Seen,

Heard,

And supported by you,

Well,

Is that going to bring a lightness to the relationship or is it going to build up a wall?

It's going to bring a lightness and it's going to bring you closer together.

It's really,

Really amazing and beautiful.

You have this opportunity.

You have this opportunity to show someone you love,

To allow someone to be seen and heard and supported and to love them for who they are.

That's a beautiful opportunity.

And if we can't do that for somebody else,

Why do we expect someone else to do it for us?

It starts with us.

We are the beginning.

We are the front lines.

And when we show love and support,

They see it and they feel it.

They don't need to be talked to about it.

They don't need to be preached to.

They don't need to be forced,

Fed this information.

They're going to feel that love and that support.

And I guarantee you in return,

They're going to end up returning that love and support to you.

Will it be perfect?

Will it be ideal?

No.

But it's going to feel easier on you and it's going to feel better and it's going to create a stronger relationship.

It's really,

Really beautiful.

Yes.

A reminder that you're not in control.

You are in control of you,

But you're not in control of somebody else.

And it is not your job to shift or change them or to change yourself to be someone else.

That's not part of your job either.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love it.

I love it so much.

You guys are amazing and wonderful.

We've reached an hour.

So,

I am going to end it today.

I didn't really use much of the board.

It's a lot more conversation today,

Which I really absolutely love.

So,

Thank you guys so much for joining me and for being here.

If you're a part of the group,

Please come join us.

It is called Manifest Your Life.

You can come and share.

So,

Tell us,

Tell me,

You know,

Nicole,

Come back and tell us,

Say,

I planned my vacation and my husband was thrilled.

He didn't care.

He didn't like it.

It was like,

Not your problem.

I wanted to plan it.

So,

I planned it,

You know,

And really working on supporting our partners and supporting in our relationships and coming from a place of love,

Not coming from a place of forcing change or forcing them to be different than who they are.

They are who they are.

We are who we are.

We must accept ourselves and we must accept them.

As easy and as challenging as that can be.

Yeah.

Oh,

Dave,

I love when you give that reminder,

Reminder that give the universe a chuckle and tell it my plans and realizing that things are going to go as they're supposed to.

My intention this week,

I will read this to all of you,

Is I intend to trust that the universe will support me in all ways.

I intend to trust that the universe will support me in all ways.

And it's in that trust.

I'm really saying,

What,

What is triggering me?

What is,

What is getting under my skin and why is that,

That getting under my skin?

Set those boundaries,

Do your healing,

Do your own work.

Don't expect somebody else to do your healing for you.

This is a solo project.

Healing is a solo project.

You might have a teacher,

You might have a coach,

But it's your process that only you can do the healing.

That's all that matters.

So thank you guys so much for being here.

I loved having you here.