49. Take The Power Back: How To Banish Helpless Beliefs

The thought,

Nothing I do matters,

Prevents us from activity.

Where a person's thoughts are at is where they are at,

Right?

So that ultimately becomes reality.

It really is a life's work to change our mind's self-sabotaging beliefs.

We have opportunities every day to remind ourselves there's no helpless situations.

Everything can be made better.

Not maybe made perfect,

But made better.

And just by having that awareness in every single thing that you do or attempt to do actually changes the outcome of what happens.

Unless we are constantly,

Consistently,

And always doing this work of changing our mind,

Our belief systems,

Our reality can never change.

When we go through life thinking that we are all alone,

Everything changes when you now understand that you are never alone.

Your way of viewing the world or finding solutions to problems,

Everything changes from that.

Welcome to Spiritually Hungry Podcast episode 49.

What if we did the whole podcast in song?

That would be very funny.

You want to try it?

No.

All right.

We're going to continue on this topic of self-sabotage to remind our listeners last week we spoke about the first way in which we discussed doing it.

It's not necessarily the way that we do it first,

But pessimism versus optimism.

And just to recap,

Self-sabotage is a behavior or thought pattern that holds you back and prevents you from doing what you want to do or who you should become.

And we discussed that there are ways that people do this in negative ways to themselves,

Where they hurt themselves or do things that they know aren't good for them.

And then we brought it to an elevated state in that it's also not ever revealing,

Tapping into your truest potential,

Your truest self and sabotaging that process entirely.

So today we're going to get into the second point under self-sabotage and maybe to the third as well,

Depending on how much time we have.

But we're going to start with this idea of helplessness.

And I kind of just like that word.

And we do self-sabotage when we think we're helpless to change a situation,

An outcome,

Et cetera.

Dr.

Martin Seligman,

I love his books,

He talked about learned helplessness.

And that is the giving up reaction,

The quitting response that follows from the belief that whatever you do doesn't matter.

How disempowering.

I know that when I was a lot younger,

I certainly felt like that in different situations in my life.

And while there are many things beyond our control,

Right,

Like our eye color,

There's a vast area in our life that we can control.

So how we deal with other people and how we react to events and situations as they arise,

For instance,

That is something that's completely within our control.

Our thoughts are not merely reactions to events,

But they in fact change what ensues.

And for me,

That's a really powerful thing.

And it's funny,

As I was thinking about this idea and I'll get to a little bit later,

I identified three different times in my life where I felt absolutely helpless and I had a big shift in my consciousness and was able to finally turn things around the third time and it really changed the way that I live and exist.

So again,

The thought,

Nothing I do matters,

Prevents us from activity.

Well it's interesting,

Right,

But that is a very big idea,

Right,

That pervades,

I think,

Often our lives.

And then I think what you're also talking about is nothing I do will make a difference in this situation,

Whichever one we're thinking about at the time,

Right?

Yes.

Right,

Because the bigger one is more existential,

Right?

Nothing I do matters,

Right,

As a general phrase about life.

Well I think people get there when they continuously respond to difficult events with I'm helpless to affect change in essence,

Right?

And then eventually you get to that big idea of nothing I do matters and then you become a bystander in your life instead of a creator.

And that's why this idea is really so important.

I certainly know somebody that's close to me that she has that idea of,

Throughout her life,

The theme of being helpless and now really the voice is nothing I do matters.

So if it's a family business,

Nothing I say will change,

Nothing,

It just becomes the kind of like anytime something gets really challenging or difficult instead of actually asking the question,

How can I affect change,

It's this other.

And what's interesting is I think it often begins as a self-protective device,

Right,

Where either person doesn't want to take responsibility.

Often they don't really believe that nothing I can do can change it.

It would be too uncomfortable to try to change it.

It would be too difficult to try to change it.

So in their mind they start telling themselves,

No matter what I say or do,

It won't change the situation anyway.

No point in me doing anything.

And then what I think you're saying,

Which is a very important understanding,

Is that then unfortunately the individual teaches themselves to actually believe it as an absolute truth that nothing they do matters.

Right,

Exactly.

I mean,

Again,

Helplessness is something we learn.

It's not how we actually come into the world.

So we can unlearn it,

Right?

But what I'm saying is that often people use it as a protective device,

Meaning even though they don't really believe that they can change a situation,

They tell themselves that either because they're too scared to try to change it or because they're too uncomfortable to try to change it.

So they don't,

If you put- But they don't believe in themselves.

I mean,

That is part of it.

I think there are different people- But my point is that initially there is at least some lack of belief even within themselves in that statement.

They don't truly believe that nothing they- It's choice is what you're saying.

Well,

It's initially a choice.

Yes.

And then over time,

Like you said,

And I know you're speaking about,

It becomes a true belief that they actually truly believe that nothing they do or say or try to affect will affect any change.

And it's a really important point because again,

Because we don't spend enough time thinking about our thoughts,

Our words,

And our actions,

We can conflate those two realities when really they're different,

Which is that initially often people as they are beginning to go through life's challenges and we all have challenges,

For different reasons,

They say to themselves something that they don't wholeheartedly believe,

Which is,

I can change it.

It can't be changed and so on.

When really at that stage,

It's some level of self-protection.

They really do believe that it's possible they could change it.

They just,

Again,

Too scared,

Don't want to go through the uncomfortable situations or conversations to make a change.

But the sad reality is that if you do that enough throughout life at a certain point and for every person,

The tipping point is different.

It actually becomes a truth,

Really an impenetrable truth for that person.

And that's the saddest part.

Because when you're saying it and you don't really believe it 100%,

There's still something to work with.

You say anything enough,

You're going to believe it.

Exactly.

And then it becomes your reality.

And that's so sad.

Again,

We talk for ourselves,

We talk for people that we see.

When it becomes that reality,

It's so sad for the individual and sad really if anybody who loves them or around them who realizes that they're really probably at a point,

Hard to say of no return,

But at a point where they really believe that there's nothing they can do to change.

Well,

As the great Kabbalah Shomtov said is where a person's thoughts are at is where they are at.

So that ultimately becomes reality.

And your father,

The Rav,

I mean,

We saw this firsthand.

People would come to the Rav with so many problems and difficulties and some real,

Some imagined.

And in their minds,

It was either terminal,

Either financially or medically or something.

It was like the end,

There's no way out.

And they thought for sure there was nothing they could do about it.

And the Rav,

I remember,

Railed against this way of thinking his entire life.

He would say,

We're never helpless.

There's always something that can be done.

And we do see helplessness around us.

We look around in life and we're like,

Wow,

There's nothing we can actually do to change something.

But there is always something that can be done.

And I think,

By the way,

I think that an important part of that is not whether this one step,

Right?

There's that famous story.

I don't know if it's a story or a parable that is used,

Right?

That there's a man who's at the,

It's told in different ways,

But he's at the sea,

At the shore and there are the little turtles that were born,

Sea turtles that were born.

And they're not finding their way and they're going to die.

So he starts picking them up and throwing them back,

Throwing them into the water so that he can live.

And somebody walks by and says,

What are you doing?

He says,

All these hundreds of turtles are going to die unless we find a way to bring them back into the water.

And the guy says to him,

Are you going to save all of them?

He says,

No,

But I can save this one.

And I think there's a very,

And again,

One of the ways we self-sabotage related to this is that we say,

Well,

This one action is not going to change everything.

Well,

That's true.

There probably is never one action or two actions that will change everything.

But if you can move the needle a little bit,

Take one action that will change a little bit and then another one and then another one,

The cumulative effect of all those small actions will eventually probably create change.

But I think the point,

Which again,

I want to underline what you said,

Which is so important,

Is that it's not about coming to a point where you say,

Oh,

Of course I can do anything.

I can change everything.

This is going wrong.

I will do one thing today and it's all over.

It's all done for.

Of course not.

You're never at that point.

But where you want to be is helplessness means there's nothing that I can do to change anything.

And the answer,

The opposite to that isn't there's always something that I can do to change everything.

Right.

It's that there's something that I could do to change a little bit.

Even one thing.

Exactly.

And by the way,

Then it becomes this like a domino effect where then it leads to the next thing and the next thing.

And you will find and you will,

I think we hear our dog wailing downstairs.

That's not our dog.

That's not us or the neighbors.

Our Miley bear doesn't do that.

Ours is a great,

Well behaved dog.

And I think it's a very important point that what we want to awaken within our listeners is really this understanding.

Like you said,

There's always,

Always something that I can do.

Not to be confused with.

There is always something that I can do to change it completely.

And I think- Right.

People are kind of like all or nothing mentality when it comes to this.

Exactly.

Especially when you're feeling a little bit overwhelmed or in fear.

The thought is,

Okay,

Can I think of anything that will change this completely?

I don't think that's the,

Sometimes you have to think in that way,

But usually on a day to day basis you want to think about is there something that I could do to change it a little bit and that little bit leads to another little bit to another little bit and so on.

Yes.

No,

I just thought about that Bob the Builder show,

Which I've talked about before.

I'm very inspired by it.

I don't think I've ever seen it.

Well,

Because he's a fixer,

Right?

He doesn't go around saying,

You know,

We're going to fix this.

Instead he asks the question,

How will I fix this?

Because that sends something to the signal to the brain that now is looking for a solution.

So I just think it's as simple as Bob asking a question.

Because I think about so many times in our lives,

My own life,

Where you're having either conflict or just a negative interaction.

It could be with a friend,

With a family member.

And again,

Your mind goes to,

You know,

And not everything's going to,

It won't change one way or the other if I have one conversation.

True.

But you have to have that one conversation.

And you can have the fifth and the 10th and 20th.

I think it's such a powerful and often missed way to really grow.

Change the mindset from,

You know,

Will this change everything?

I mean,

You're talking about growth,

Which I realize,

I'm just saying even like,

You know,

Living a life that's working for you.

And from that place,

Then you're inspired to grow.

But if you really think that you have no free will and no ability to change a circumstance or a view or perspective of your experience of life,

Well then that's exactly where you're going to live.

And we often have this conversation because my general view of life is,

First of all,

That there aren't many things that really bother me in the long term.

And I believe everybody has their own path.

So often we'll have a conversation about somebody or something,

Somebody said something,

Somebody did something.

And you're like,

We need to talk to them.

This should be a conversation.

And I'm like,

You know,

There's actually an old.

.

.

I'm trying to see how I feel about what you're saying right now.

You just phrase,

No,

No,

I'm saying I'm wrong and you're right.

No,

That's what you're saying.

There's an old Yiddish phrase my parents would often use,

Which is either it won't help or it's unnecessary.

That's the basic translation.

And the idea,

And that's often my view in life.

That's one Yiddish phrase?

Yeah.

Either it won't help or it's unnecessary.

So often when I hear about somebody doing something that might be negative,

It might not be right,

I sort of say,

You know,

First of all,

It doesn't really bother me.

And second of all,

It's their process.

Let them go through it.

But you often say,

No,

A conversation needs to be had.

Because in my mind,

What I say,

What I often say is,

You know,

I don't believe one conversation is going to change this person's nature for life.

And then it says,

Of course that's true,

But still you see something,

You say something.

You try.

Oh,

Thanks,

Babe.

You heard me.

You never acknowledged that you actually hear me when I say that.

Never.

Not ever,

But usually.

.

.

And then I become self-aware and I'm like,

Okay,

Well,

Does it really have to be said and whatever.

And then,

But usually.

.

.

That's an important,

That's not a bad conversation to have.

No,

It's a great conversation.

And then what I usually do is I,

A little bit,

A little space,

And then I still have the conversation.

But there are three awarenesses to have to help remove helplessness.

I think the first is to know that when we overestimate our helplessness,

Other forces will control or shape our future.

Because then you allow an openness to everything else in the universe to kind of say,

Okay,

So you can't do anything,

I'm going to take charge here.

And usually it's not in the ways that we want.

It could be somebody else that you entrust to make decisions for you,

Or it can be.

.

.

You're basically at the whims of the universe,

Right?

So I think that that is.

.

.

And you say that in a negative way.

Correct.

The second way is,

Awareness to have,

Is that if we habitually believe,

As does the pessimist which we spoke about last week,

That misfortune is our fault,

Is enduring,

And will undermine everything we do,

More of it will befall us than if we believe otherwise.

So again,

To challenge our beliefs about how much influence we have.

And the third is,

Pessimistic prophecies are self-fulfilling.

So if something bad happens and we think we're deserving of it,

Then when it does happen,

Our reaction to it is dependent on our belief.

And so that's why it's so important to believe that you actually are influential and you can direct change and go from there.

And so I shared with you that I had this epiphany.

And it was interesting for me because I never kind of considered my.

.

.

Well,

I guess I did at some point,

But the idea of being helpless is certainly not anything that's connected to my personality today.

In fact,

That word,

If it was.

.

.

It related to me,

I would feel really uncomfortable with that.

But the first time I ever felt helpless.

.

.

Do you know when that was?

When you were a baby?

No.

Is that when you did?

You like how I did that?

I don't know.

You tell me how you did.

I will tell you.

But then maybe we'll ask you the question.

It was when I was eight and I moved from New Orleans,

Louisiana to Los Angeles,

Beverly Hills.

And I went from having a very happy childhood,

Very protected to something quite the opposite.

I felt very sheltered,

Although I didn't feel sheltered then,

But I realized that I was.

I never saw anybody sick or dying,

Disease,

Nothing scary.

It was just a happy childhood for those first eight years.

Really nothing at all that I can tell you that was negative.

And then we moved to Beverly Hills and now we're surrounded by my mom's very large family.

And an uncle that I had known,

Her brother,

Was becoming schizophrenic at that time.

And I've shared this in Fear Is Not An Option in my book that I was terrified because he was healthy and normal and then suddenly he wasn't.

A lot of fear set in,

But I'm not going to go into that angle of it.

But it was the first time I felt helpless.

I thought,

Oh my God,

This just happens to people.

If God forbid it could happen to anyone,

Including me,

God forbid.

And I felt completely unable to do anything about not just his situation,

But how will I protect myself?

Because it wasn't a conversation that anybody had with me.

Nobody told me what was wrong with him.

He was just acting very scary.

Sometimes he was on medication and then sometimes he wasn't.

So it was just erratic behavior all the time,

Sometimes violent as well.

So the whole contagious thing,

I thought it was something I could catch was terrifying for me.

Well,

You're saying something even further,

Not just that you could catch it from him,

But that now life is completely filled with uncontrollable,

Terrible things that could happen to an individual.

Absolutely.

That was a belief that I held onto for decades from that point on.

Then cut to 10 years later,

The next time I felt helpless,

Do you know when that was?

I don't think you do,

Was when my grandfather,

My mother's father,

Said that same side of the family and I was very close to him.

He had a stroke.

So again- How old were you?

I was 17.

So one day,

That morning in fact,

He could speak,

He could talk,

He could walk,

He could speak,

And then a few hours later,

He could do none of those things.

So oh my God,

This can happen.

And again,

It was my first experience of seeing something like that felt completely helpless and terrified and anxious.

I had,

Oh my God,

This is life.

So this idea of a helpless life was one that I really bought into.

And then I started studying Kabbalah right around that time and I had held onto the belief,

I thought that this is what I had learned through the teachings,

Was that as long as I'm a spiritual person doing good for the world,

Nothing like that would ever happen to me.

And I think that this actually happens to a lot of people who are searching for spiritual,

Who get involved with something spiritual.

It's like,

Okay,

As long as they pay by the rules of the universe,

Then I have some kind of protection.

Much later,

Years later,

When this third life changing thing happened to me,

I realized that that was not true.

But I think that we hold onto things that we need to at the time for survival.

I needed to believe that at the time to not be anxious every day.

And that was then when Josh was born,

Which I've talked about a lot,

I felt helpless again right when he was born.

And again,

The doctors didn't make it easy.

They gave us a list of things he could never do or never would become,

Which of course that was not true.

He's exceptional.

But I made a choice in that moment,

In the weeks after,

That I am not going to be helpless in this situation.

I'm not going to be helpless as a mother,

As a wife.

And I'm absolutely going to get on the other side of this and see how I can influence him and myself.

And that was life changing.

But it was really a choice I made in that moment after having a belief system for 20 years that were helpless to the bad things that happen in life.

Interesting.

As I was thinking about this idea,

And maybe the other side of this,

It reminded me of a biblical story.

There's a story in the book of Genesis where Abraham's maidservant is,

It's a long story than this,

But she finds herself in the desert with her son.

And they've been there for a long time.

There's no water around.

She's thirsty.

Her baby,

Her child is thirsty.

And she doesn't know too.

She starts calling out.

She calls out to God.

And then there's an interesting phrase that's used there.

It says that God opened up her eyes and she saw a well of water.

And the Kabbalists,

We know the way the Kabbalistic view of the Bible,

Of the Torah,

Is that none of these are literal stories to be read literally,

But they all have really interpretations or secrets behind them that need to be understood and to be decoded lessons for our lives.

One of the Kabbalists has something which is both profound,

Beautiful,

And practical in relating to everything we're talking about,

Is that everything we need is almost always in front of us,

But our eyes are blind to see it.

So the purpose of really personal development and growth and spiritual work is to open up our eyes so that we can see the solutions that are in front of us.

And therefore,

And that's what it means that her eyes will open up.

Really,

The solution was there all along.

She needed to be able to open up her eyes to be able to see it.

So on one level,

The word helpless is actually a very important word because we are helpless.

What do I mean?

If you have a flat tire and you don't know how to fix it,

You're helpless.

Good news is there are mechanics.

There are places you can take your car to get it fixed if you don't know how to do it.

If you have a cavity,

You're helpless.

You have no way or idea,

Assuming you're not a dentist and you don't perform dentistry on yourself,

You are helpless to fix it.

But thank goodness there are dentists that you can go to that can fix it.

So when you understand,

And this is even just in a very basic,

A physical level,

That we are helpless for everything.

I want to eat today.

I don't know how to grow wheat and cut it and grind it down and make bread and so on and so forth.

Luckily,

You live in this century.

Well,

Not just in this century,

But that there are people who are farming,

Who are growing the wheat,

Who send it to the.

.

.

That whole process,

Right?

There's that whole phrase,

I think,

That it takes a village.

And that's really what life is about.

When you understand that at a most basic level,

We are helpless on our own and we are not meant to live alone.

That's the key word there,

On our own.

We are not meant to live on our own,

Not for physical reasons,

Not for emotional reasons,

Not for spiritual reasons.

So yes,

If I am going to live an egotistical,

Selfish life,

I am helpless.

But if I open myself up to people,

How many times do we find ourselves in a challenge and then a friend,

We have a conversation with a friend and it lifts us up a little bit.

Or conversely,

Somebody comes to us and we lift them up a little bit.

On their own,

That person,

On our own,

We are helpless.

But when you cultivate friends,

Community,

Family,

Then you are not helpless.

And now we take it a step further.

We call it that force that created this world,

The creator,

Some people call it God.

But there's a force in this world that is ready to help us if we open ourselves up to that energy.

This is all about consciousness.

But consciousness as it relates to practical manifestation,

Right?

So because conscious could sometimes be thought as ethereal,

But it's not practical.

But this is the thing.

If you have a toothache,

Somebody has a toothache,

And of course you can't fix your own tooth,

But if you believe that there's nobody,

You're not going to find a good dentist in the world,

Even if there is a dentist,

They don't have the best ratings or you don't have the belief that you will be able to find and connect to the right one,

That's the form of helplessness that I think we're talking about here.

Exactly.

But what I'm saying is,

And I think this is so important,

Is that once you realize that there almost always is a solution to your problem,

That solution might not come only from you,

But you have to be open to that,

Number one.

And number two,

Open your eyes.

So that story with Hagar in the desert with her son,

It's a secret for us to understand about life.

You have a problem.

You have a challenge.

You have a difficulty.

The first thing you need to know,

The first thing is the solution.

The second thing you need to know,

Open up your eyes to where the solution might be.

And then you might and probably will find it or find the person who can help you find it.

But like you said,

I think helplessness is sort of a paradox on some level because on some basic levels,

Of course we are helpless.

But the purpose of that understanding is to bring us to the question,

Okay,

So how do I find a solution?

Because if I believe,

And this is where we hope to inspire our listeners to be living,

There almost always is a solution to whatever challenge,

Whatever difficulty you're going through,

But you're going to have to open up your eyes to a friend,

To a community,

To something outside of yourself.

We did this exactly when Josh was born,

Remember?

So the part of that transformation of removing the helplessness is I became much more open to you in a way I had never been.

We'd been married already,

No,

How many years?

Five years.

2002,

Five years.

Five years.

And I thought we loved each other,

We certainly did,

But there were things that I would never have told you or would never make myself that vulnerable to you.

But in this case,

It was like,

Oh my God,

I am drowning here.

This is our son.

We need to lean into each other.

We also went and we met with so many families at the time.

We met with parents who had adopted a child with Down syndrome,

Families that had given up their child that had Down syndrome.

And we went from place to place.

We met with people who had an 18-year-old that had Down syndrome.

We just wanted to go.

We fully wanted to lean in anywhere that we could,

Right?

Because we knew that there was a better way to see this and to live it.

And so we were open to everything and we did.

We sought it out far,

Wide.

And I think what you said is really,

Really important for many reasons,

But at least two that I really want to get to underscore.

One is that the initial challenge in our mind might have been,

How do we change the situation?

Now we have a child with disabilities,

Can we change that?

Now we could have,

If we sat ourselves down the first day after he was born and you asked us what's the solution?

Oh my God,

If there's a way that it can be somehow this,

We can remove the Down syndrome diagnosis,

Right?

That's a solution,

Right?

Instead the right way to have viewed it in that first moment and certainly the way we view it now is how are we going to become even more better people,

Grow more and have more fulfillment in our lives from this situation.

And really embrace it.

And often,

I think my point is that unless you remove the first stage of helplessness and open yourself up- Which is wanting to change the outcome or even the reality,

The situation completely.

Well,

The beautiful thing is that you will come to a different understanding of what the solution is.

But unless you're opening yourself up to the fact that right now I'm feeling pretty nasty,

But I am sure that there is a way for me to feel amazing.

And then you start opening yourself up and you do small actions.

Did we think that by having one conversation with a family of a Down syndrome child would make us feel all better now and now?

No.

But we took one step and then another step and then another step.

We're just very curious.

So I want to underscore those two points is that,

And as it relates to every single challenge that we have in our lives,

The first thought has to be,

There's a solution.

Now the solution might not be what I think a solution is right now.

There is a solution.

I need to open myself up to that and start taking small steps.

And then you will find yourself with solutions probably often very different.

For example,

A person's in a relationship and often they'll come to you,

They'll come to me and say,

Oh,

They want to break up with me or she wants to break up with me.

How do I solve the problem?

So in their mind,

What's the problem?

What's the solution?

Okay,

Right now they don't want to be in a relationship with me.

What can I do to make sure that this person wants to be in a relationship with me?

Maybe the best solution.

And it's often,

It is the case that no,

Actually you do break up with this person.

You go on and you actually find your soulmate in the next relationship or the one after that.

But none of that can happen.

None of that great,

Because the terrible thing that can happen is that if your person really thinks that he or she is helpless and the solution has to be what I want it to be right now,

How many times would fixing that relationship be the worst thing for the individual?

But because of some sense of helplessness,

They force that square into that round hole and they force that relationship and it becomes a relationship.

Great,

We solved the problem,

But now the rest of their next 20 years is living in a relationship they really should not have been in.

But how is that related to helplessness then?

Because when a person's like feeling,

Oh my God,

Whatever,

35 years old and not married and desperate,

Desperate or helpless,

Right?

I need to,

So now I need to make this relationship work.

Well,

Maybe it's actually the next one.

And the point is,

As long as you live in,

I'll often say this to people,

Is that you have to have certainty that your soulmate is out there.

If you are either desperate or helpless in that regard,

The chances of that soul being revealed to you drop.

Don't be helpless,

Understand or remind yourself that there is a solution to this problem.

The solution might be different than what you would like it to be right now or what you think it to be and start taking small steps.

I agree.

So let me ask you a question.

Was there a point in your life that you ever felt helpless?

Helpless.

I know.

I don't think I've ever got helpless,

Certainly times when you're trying to figure out the solution.

But I think,

And again,

I think this goes back to the importance of a spiritual life and spiritual path,

Is that just as negative self sabotaging thoughts and beliefs are learned,

So are the opposite alert.

So I believe that because for most of my life I have been both studying and reminding myself and thinking in the way of understanding that there is nothing that is helpless.

So yes,

There are times when you feel overwhelmed and yes,

There are times that I felt,

Wow,

I don't know how I get out of this one,

But never helpless.

I don't think- Even when you're a child?

Yes,

Especially.

Helpless,

No.

Pain,

Yes.

Worry,

Yes,

But not helpless.

Which what?

Again,

I don't know- That's why I married you,

No.

Yeah,

No.

I think,

And I also think that we model that behavior very often.

I don't think that your role models felt that.

They certainly didn't act that way.

That's not your parents were the opposite of helpless,

Right?

Right.

I think this is really important for our listeners,

Right?

This isn't about me or you,

But that the understanding is it really is a life's work to change our minds self-sabotaging beliefs.

That again,

It's great to hear a podcast about how do I get out of the sense of helplessness,

But you have to be working this all the time.

But today,

Again,

The crazy thing to me is,

The silly thing is how often what would objectively be silly stuff we feel helpless about,

Right?

I mean,

Small things.

They become such mountains,

Those molehills become such mountains in our mind,

Insurmountable mountains,

Right?

I would start there,

Right?

I wouldn't start in the really great challenges of life,

But- Where you feel,

Yeah.

We have opportunities every day to remind ourselves there's no helpless situations.

There's no helpless relationships,

Not with my son,

Not with my daughter,

Not with my wife.

Everything can be made better.

Not maybe made perfect,

But made better.

Great.

Do you want to say more on that or can we move to judgment?

Actually there's one more idea related to what I was saying before.

One of my favorite Kabbalistic teachings,

Which I often remind myself of,

And it's a teaching revealed by Rav Ashlog,

Who we quote very often.

And the title of it,

Which I love and sort of the phrase that I think about all the time,

Contact with the creator,

Constant contact with the creator.

He says that often in life we feel overwhelmed,

We feel helpless.

But the reality is that each one of us right now are in constant contact with what we call the creator or that energy force that created everything.

I am in contact right now.

I am really attached to some degree to that force.

Well,

Not everybody believes that.

Well,

That's where this understanding is so important.

But if you do and something happens and you're overwhelmed,

You see,

You know what?

Maybe I can't surmount this problem.

This is overwhelming,

Helpless for me on my own,

Like I spoke before.

But me and the force that created this entire universe,

Universes that I am in constant contact with,

Together we can change anything.

Well,

That's called surrender in my opinion.

And by the way,

In a beautiful way,

Surrender because most people fight that.

They don't believe enough that there is a force that they are connected to.

And therefore,

They hold on even tighter.

If I let go,

That'll be the end of me.

Surrender is when you really just put your trust in something greater than you to be your partner.

You become co-creators in life.

But this consciousness is so important.

He uses an example.

Let's assume I bought a lottery ticket yesterday and it won $50 million.

And I have it in my coat pocket,

But I forgot about it.

So in reality,

I'm a multimillionaire,

Right?

I have $50 million.

You're clueless.

But I have no idea.

So if you come over to me today and say,

Can you lend me $1 million?

Like,

Sorry,

I love you,

But I don't have that money to lend you.

And I can live my life that day,

That week,

That month,

Forever with a sense of,

Oh my God,

I don't really have that much physically at least.

But really it's not true because in my coat pocket,

There is this ticket that actually is worth $50 million that I am unaware of.

If somebody comes over to me and says,

Hey buddy,

Why don't you check your pocket?

And I check my pocket and I look at the lottery ticket and I see it's the winning lottery ticket.

Now I realize that I am wealthy.

Has anything really changed from before that realization till after the realization?

On one level,

Absolutely nothing.

On another level,

Absolutely everything.

And that he says is the difference between a person who is consciously living with the understanding of I am in constant contact and therefore can avail myself of that force that created this universe.

And therefore there is nothing that is insurmountable and there is nothing that I cannot change and there's nothing that I cannot overcome,

Me and the force that created this world.

And I know maybe for some of our listeners,

This is a,

I don't know if it's a lofty or big idea,

But this is a life changing one.

And I'm telling you,

Start using it in a small way.

You will see that this is really transformational.

This has to be,

Again,

As everything we've said until now,

This has to be constant mental work to own this reality,

Which is- Back to Bob.

It's kind of like- It's like the builder.

Yes.

Instead of how can I fix it,

It's how can we fix it.

Exactly.

So it's the we all the time.

Exactly.

And just by having that awareness in every single thing that you do or attempt to do actually changes the outcome of what happens.

Exactly.

And this work consciousness is so important.

And really,

Again,

I think if there's one thing at least that we,

Our listeners take from everything we've said until now is that unless we are actively,

Consistently working on changing our beliefs,

Which are,

I don't want to say messed up because that's offensive maybe to us and to our listeners,

But are not serving us,

I'll put it lightly.

Unless we're constantly working and changing those with some of the tools and wisdom that we spoke about today,

You could be inspired by a podcast,

You could have a great idea,

You could,

It doesn't last.

This is work.

This is real mental work,

Which means very,

Very practically.

Unless we are constantly,

Consistently and always doing this work of changing our mind,

Our belief systems,

Our reality can never change.

And what that means practically is that today you will have five times where consciously you'll be in a situation where you feel overwhelmed.

Maybe you feel a little bit helpless.

Just say a simple statement.

I am not helpless.

I am not overwhelmed.

How am I not helpless?

I don't even want to figure that out now.

How am I not overwhelmed?

I don't even want to figure that out.

But you have to keep telling yourself,

Keep reminding yourself.

So,

Do you create a new neural pathway where you really stop believing that you are ever helpless and stop believing that you are ever overwhelmed?

Yeah.

I mean,

I think that as we're getting to this part of the podcast,

Like when we go through life thinking that we are all alone,

Whether you are feeling helpless to a degree or fully helpless,

Doesn't matter where you are on that spectrum.

Everything changes when you now understand that you are never alone.

Your way of viewing the world or finding solutions to problems,

Everything changes from that.

Like,

You know,

I love thriller films.

And if somebody is alone in a dark house and there's not a knife,

There's nothing to defend themselves,

They're all by themselves,

There's no power,

There's nothing,

They're terrified,

Right?

Now you imagine you add different things.

And of course,

I'm using the analogy that so now the creator is all of those support things that you will need.

If you felt like an intruder was coming in,

How would that change the outcome?

And also how you felt about the process.

I think that's the way we need to navigate through life.

And as you were speaking,

I was thinking,

And I shared earlier in Fears on an Option,

I talk about my journey through fear.

And the first part of that,

The chapter was,

It's not contagious.

That was about schizophrenia,

Which I shared.

Then anorexia,

I don't have to eat.

Then David,

Which is our first born,

I'm still not in control.

So you see the theme here is I felt completely helpless.

Then I felt like,

Okay,

I now am like,

I'm studying spirituality.

I know that there's a creator in my life,

But still where did I lean into was my control over the outcome of the situation.

So with David,

I wanted to have a very seamless birth,

Pictured a very certain way,

All natural.

It didn't turn out that way.

I mean,

Everything was fine,

But it was 24 hour labor,

Contractions one minute apart for 23 hours.

Then Josh,

My body has betrayed me,

Right?

That was the feeling then.

And then Miriam,

True surrender.

And then Abigail becoming a channel.

So I just wanted to share a little bit there because with Miriam,

By the time I had her,

I really understood this idea that you need,

This nothing is in our hands and to really be able to ask the creator for assistance.

So I just want to pick up,

I'm not going to read you the whole chapter.

But I do recommend for all of our listeners,

Go to amazon.

Com or wherever you get your books,

Wherever you are in the world and buy your copy of Fear Is Not An Option.

If you already read Fear Is Not An Option,

You have the copy at home.

You have that voice.

Buy a copy for your friends and family.

Okay.

So I'll pick up here.

Miriam,

That's our third,

True to her form,

Had other ideas and labor stalled.

So I was given Pitocin and I thought they're going to speed up labor.

My plans for a natural birth were once again dashed as the medical team administered a dose of Pitocin,

An aid inducing labor.

I thought I knew very well what pain was after my first two labors,

But that drug is like a train cutting through at maximum speed.

Sorry,

Ladies.

The pain was blinding.

Almost immediately they gave me something else,

Something that made me feel serene,

But also fuzzy.

I looked to Michael.

He was distracted and his eyes were filled with concern.

He checked my monitors intensely and an anesthesiologist was throwing things off shells in a frantic search for something.

In my state of mind at the time,

I found that amusing as if I were watching a film.

Later I was told- Very funny.

It wasn't for you,

I don't think.

Later I was told that my heart rate and my daughter's heart rate had dropped dangerously low.

At this point,

Through the haze of medications,

I was at a place that I felt like a dead end and that I found a gentle clarity.

I knew that the assistance I needed was going to come from somewhere far greater than a doctor,

Anesthesiologist or hospital.

I looked up from my hospital bed to the ceiling and whispered to the creator,

I am yours.

I surrender to you completely.

I trust you.

Whatever should be,

Should be.

I don't want to leave this world that day,

But I was ready for whatever was meant to be.

I felt total certainty and trust.

Surrender is not about giving up or giving in.

It's the act of not knowing an outcome and putting yourself in the hands of the creator.

I am yours.

And it goes on there,

But I just want to skip to the next chapter because this was a completely different understanding and next level in that.

It's called Becoming a Channel.

At this point,

You may think I'm a glutton for punishment to go a fourth round.

However,

For all the ways I know pregnancy and labor to be the most difficult of experiences,

I also know that having children is the most worthwhile endeavor to experience life at every stage,

Being a part of the creation of life and in the fullest sense from beginning to end.

Having had my first three children in my 20s and 30s,

My late 30s at that,

I was in a completely different place spiritually,

Emotionally,

Mentally,

And physically.

I believe all of these factors enabled me to finally have the birth experience I had envisioned,

But this time without fear.

After all,

The mirror had come so close,

Even though it may not have gone exactly the way I'd hoped.

Maybe it was the lack of certainty or the lack of a plan,

Or maybe I just hadn't found my strongest connection to the creator,

But I was oh so close.

If I'm honest with myself,

I hadn't confidently decided nor had I become to a place of certainty that I could give birth naturally and without any medical intervention.

And if there's anything I know for sure,

It is that in life nothing happens until you decide.

Childbirth is life's perfect workshop for this exact principle.

I put together a plan that fully readied my mind,

Body,

And spirit.

I had the support of a doula,

Clearly communicated with all involved in the birth about my vision for the delivery I wanted,

And I placed total trust in the creator.

And although I had a plan,

I was willing to accept any outcome.

With all my heart and soul,

Those nine months of carrying her became more about the moment of her birth than anything else.

When it was time for her to make her entry into the world,

I continued to focus on creating the most pleasant experience for her.

I thoughtfully and carefully prepared for the day of her delivery,

And I was able to have the natural hypno birth I had always envisioned,

Not only because I wanted it that way,

But because it was what Abigail wanted and needed.

I never said a single word during the eight hours of labor,

Six of which were at home.

The first words I uttered when she came out and was placed on my stomach was,

Were,

I'm so proud of you.

What a great job you did.

You're strong and healthy and beautiful,

And I love you.

I wanted the first words she ever heard in her life to be how great she is,

Powerful,

Beautiful,

And complete.

So I think the point here is with Miriam's birth,

I fully trusted the creator.

However,

With Abigail's birth,

I not only trusted in the creator,

But I was one with the creator.

I felt like his work or doing his work.

And it really changed the way that I was able to understand what that means to really ask,

Not just ask for help,

But then do the work together.

And now I try to apply that to every area.

Beautiful.

So we will continue with the third one.

Yes.

We won't get to three today.

Judgment,

Right?

Well,

I think next will be the last on self-sabotage.

So as we come to a close of the second episode on self-sabotage,

We want to remind all of our listeners to make sure to send in your questions,

Stories,

Comments to monicaandmichael at kabala.

Com.

We try to get to as many of them as possible.

And every time you share with us,

It both inspires us and inspires our listeners.

Make sure you go to Apple podcast and give five star reviews,

Write reviews,

Share this podcast with all your friends and family.

And as always,

I hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording.

Bye.

Welcome back.