81. Criticism: 9 Ways To Know Whether to Use it As A Powerful Tool Or Let it Go

I find often that people criticizing,

It comes from a place of lack.

They don't really believe in their own ability to do something and or they haven't been able to do something that they want to do.

And so therefore they can look at this person because,

Oh,

I had that idea.

Yeah,

Maybe you had that same idea,

But what did you do with it?

Right.

And that kind of criticism,

I think bothers me the most.

Welcome to the Spiritually Hungry Podcast,

Episode 81.

So Michael,

I have a one-liner for you that was born out of the pandemic,

Which we know forced couples to spend a lot more time together than they previously had.

So many have started playing the fun little pandemic game called,

Why Are You Doing It That Way?

And guess what?

You know,

We started playing that game even before the pandemic.

No,

I didn't find any humor in that.

And to this game,

There are no winners,

Which leads us to today's topic.

That would be criticism.

You still stand by that we played that game a long time ago?

Yeah,

I think everybody does to some extent.

I don't think it's good or bad.

I'm not saying it's really bad,

Right?

No,

I'm saying it's bad.

So when it comes to criticism,

I don't think there's.

.

.

It can be fascinating,

Right?

There's a beautiful reason.

Well,

I think that's the point of this podcast.

No one likes criticism.

Until we rephrase it,

No one likes criticism.

Comedian Daniel Tosh said,

Honest criticism is hard to take,

Particularly from a relative,

A friend,

An acquaintance or a stranger.

So it's hard to accept from basically everyone.

This is because our brains process criticism in two primary areas.

One is the amygdala and the other is the medial prefrontal cortex,

Which regulates how we react to emotional stimuli.

And criticism obviously awakens and stimulates that.

The amygdala helps us decide what's important and what's not,

And it's key to forming emotional memories.

It's also the area responsible for our fight or flight response,

Which is why getting a bad performance review or negative comment can feel like actual danger and really spike our stress from cortisol.

I can relate.

And I've worked really hard to be able to transform criticism into feedback.

Now we know emotional memories are powerful and lasting because this area of the brain is designed to keep us safe.

It makes us recall in vivid detail things and people that are unsafe.

It's also why we can easily recall several moments throughout our lives when we received unwelcome or unfavorable feedback.

Now I know between the two of us,

Because we've talked about this a lot,

I do that really well.

You not so much.

You do what really well?

I'm able to really hold on to those gems of criticism.

You say that's a good thing?

No,

It's not.

I've had to work really hard to kind of let it go,

But like,

You know,

It used to bother me forever,

Really.

Now it will sting for like a week,

Sometimes even just an hour.

It depends,

But I'll still like,

I can recall them for the most part.

So let me ask you,

Can you recall an early memory of being criticized?

I guess in school,

Nothing that stands out.

Like you said,

I don't really.

.

.

Friends,

This is why Michael is a well-rounded,

Successful human,

Because he doesn't remember the bad stuff.

Yeah.

That's great.

Kudos,

Michael.

I'm still trying to think.

For the rest of us,

I'm going to help our friends out today while you sit in your pretty little corner there.

I remember I was criticized a few days ago,

That I remember.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah,

I try.

There are four primary ways that people respond to criticism.

We have an evolutionary bias to feel threatened by criticism,

So we pick one of these responses.

One is the internalizer.

It seems to accept criticism rather well on the surface while internally beating themselves up.

It's characterized by a calm exterior while mentally putting yourself down and being overly hard on yourself and then extensively ruminating on the criticism.

Know people like that for sure.

The second is the self-convincer.

It's going to argue.

Like the internalizer,

They take negative feedback very personally.

However,

Rather than blaming themselves,

They deflect the blame onto others,

Either someone they determine most responsible or the person giving them criticism.

Should we have all been in those situations?

They may or may not respond aggressively,

But they're likely to challenge and argue against negative statements as a means of convincing themselves that the criticism is unjust.

The third is the defender.

This person dismisses criticism.

They're like a brick wall.

They don't internalize the feedback and usually don't give it much thought.

They dismiss it and conclude that the critic was misguided.

The person delivering the criticism is likely to feel unheard.

And the fourth is the feedback seeker.

Actively asking questions about the critique.

They probably don't feel great about the remarks,

But they aren't beating themselves up and aren't deflecting blame.

They don't become angry at the person giving the feedback.

They simply want to know why they think that,

Why they think what they do.

From these four responses,

I think it's clear which one would be the most successful.

Which is?

The feedback seeker.

I don't fully agree with the seeker part of it.

I think it's,

I would reframe it as the feedback welcomer,

You know,

To be able to be open.

But I don't think,

Because this borderlines for me,

Seeking approval.

Like I just don't think that you really want to be here or there.

And I think that in the highest,

Which I would obviously add a fifth,

Is that you are trying to give yourself feedback all day,

Every day.

Constructive,

Positive,

Even negative so that you're able to have a real sense of where you're at and where you want to go.

I started practicing that a long time ago.

I think,

And it's interesting about it,

I think that first it depends on the personality type of the individual.

And second,

I would say elements of all four should be used at different times as well.

I think it really matters who you are,

What type of personality,

Right?

There's some people who will readily accept feedback simply because they don't have enough appreciation for themselves and it just fits into their narrative about themselves.

And then there are those who will never accept feedback.

So I think the same rules don't apply.

Well,

There's aspects of negative.

So yeah,

You want to just pick and choose.

Of course,

There's times where you probably want to put a wall up,

Right?

If somebody hates you or they want to destroy you or they're your enemy.

Yes,

I agree for sure.

So I think that for me,

Yeah,

It's definitely the feedback.

I think that in terms of what kind of discomfort criticism causes now,

I think it really depends on what's being criticized.

Not so much for me anyway,

Not so much who's saying it.

It's not really,

You know,

You can get messages from everywhere and anyone,

But I think what it's on and is it fair,

Right?

Is it accurate?

And I always say this.

I think that I am somebody who gets a lot of unsolicited feedback a lot.

And so now I kind of just find entertaining because,

You know,

You can't stop people from speaking or sharing.

And really the way I look at it is that they're obviously interested in me in some way and it can be negative or positive.

But,

You know,

If you're trying to do things in the world and you're creating or generating energy,

You're going to get that.

But I do,

I really think it's very funny.

And people,

You know,

Like,

Oh,

I used to think this about you,

But now I think that.

Right.

Yeah.

Those kinds of things.

So I think when I think about feedback,

I think there's two understandings with which we want to live in the first one,

Which I think is maybe the more important one is the fact that the spiritual view is that whoever I am today,

No matter how old I am,

No matter how much internal work I have done,

I need to grow and change.

If I'm in this world,

And we've spoken about this in previous podcasts,

The view is I am meant to become a better version of myself every single second of every single day of my life.

So if you live life from that perspective,

That I need to be growing and I need to be changing,

And you also know there's a phrase,

An ancient phrase,

That a person will very easily see others' faults,

But it's very difficult for the individual to see their own faults.

That's just a fact.

We can't accept that.

And again,

For our listeners,

Again,

It's not maybe natural or intuitive,

But that is the reality.

The reality is that when we look at somebody else,

Let's assume there was somebody else exactly like me,

And I spent a day,

A week,

A month looking at them.

I would come up with a whole lot,

And my goal was to find a list of things I needed to change.

I can come up with a list of a thousand things.

And they're exactly me,

Right?

And then if I spent the same month looking at myself,

Maybe I'd come up with a list of five,

10,

20,

30.

It's just a given that our nature will much more easily find even true things that other people need to change,

Even if they're exactly us,

Then I am able to see of myself.

And therefore,

We must have,

I would say,

We must even desire to be receiving feedback from others,

From the world around me.

Because if my goal is to change,

And if I accept that I cannot see myself completely,

As a matter of fact,

I am more likely blind to myself than see myself,

Then I must desire receiving feedback.

I think there's a big step before you even get there,

Though.

I think sometimes people go through life running away from change.

So obviously,

If you're listening to our podcast,

You must be interested in spirituality on some level.

And hungry.

And so you're not there.

So let's say that you do want that feedback because you really do want to become the best version of yourself.

I think also,

Though,

Some people have been in abusive relationships.

Wait one second.

I see you rolling your eyes.

I didn't roll my eyes.

That was actually my next point.

Okay.

And I've been put down a lot in their lives.

So for instance,

Before we got married,

That for me was a norm.

Again,

Just people constantly saying,

I think this,

You shouldn't do that.

Why did you do this?

That kind of was always negative.

So for a while,

I don't want to hear what anybody say about anything.

So I think a person needs to come to a place where,

And that only shifted really when I learned to love myself fully.

And when I did,

Then I was like,

Okay,

I know who I am.

I know who I want to become.

I know what I believe to be true in life and how things work.

And I also had enough wherewithal at that point in my 20s to be able to look at people when they would say whatever they were feeling and say,

Okay,

Well,

Is this person happy?

Do they have lack?

Is this really about me?

Maybe I was able to be discerning with the information.

So I think that it's really important though,

Just to preface what you said with that whole process that a person needs to go through,

Because if not,

It becomes confusing.

Like for the sake of change and becoming the best version I want to be,

Then I'm going to be open and open and then they just get so down and it becomes so painful.

Absolutely.

And I think,

And that's what I was saying in the beginning is the fact that there are seasons in life.

There are times in life we should be open to criticism.

The criticism is really a bad word,

Right?

Open to feedback.

And there are times when you should be close to it.

And I think your example is a perfect example.

If a person,

For whatever reason,

Has gone through a period where he or she has been told as often,

Unfortunately,

Even with parents,

You know,

You're not doing this right,

You don't do that right.

Right.

If that's where the person is,

They probably need to lean the other way,

Which is no,

No,

No,

No.

I'm not going to accept that it's not true.

You're coming for it.

So this is true,

But anything that's important in life and anything that's true,

There's never one size fits all.

It's never one thing all the time.

So certainly there are people from which you have to put up that wall of,

No,

No,

I'm not going to hear what you have to say.

You don't have the right.

You've done this,

You know.

But all that being said and accepted as truth,

I think it is important as a view of life,

The understanding I need to change.

I'm here to change.

I can't see myself completely.

I need feedback from the outside.

And the fourth thing I would add to that is then if you view the feedback from the outside as in a general sense coming from the creator,

Doesn't even matter who the person is saying it,

What they're saying,

I want to be open to it.

But again,

To be clear,

Seasons in life,

There are times when a person has been beating themselves up.

They're not having an abusive relationship or just spent three weeks with their parents and only criticize them.

You know what?

For the next month,

Don't be shut every criticism down.

No,

No,

No.

Also just to really be able to hear your own voice.

Absolutely.

Sometimes it just gets muddled in the chaos of life.

Absolutely.

There's a great example of somebody who was able to become a feedback seeker.

He's a CEO of this company.

It's called Big B Coffee.

Big B?

Big B.

Big B.

One word?

Yeah.

In 2014,

Big B Coffee CEO Mike McFall knew morale was coming in his Midwest coffee shop franchise is probably why you're not familiar with it.

Employees were resigning left and right without notice and not even leaving a note.

They were just walking out off the job.

And McFall and his CEO,

His co-CEO were finding less meaning in their own work.

So the whole thing was falling apart.

And that's when a chance encounter made him face some hard truths.

And I think that that's the point.

There are some hard truths and those will be painful perhaps.

So in a campaign trip with his brother and his son in 2014,

They shared a fire pit with a consultant who was talking about conscious capitalism.

Mike hired the consultant to do a survey of their employees.

Mike said,

It was the hardest thing I've ever read.

People said things like,

It's an abusive relationship.

And he was clueless,

Right?

But he realized he had built a wall between himself and his employees.

He wasn't open to feedback and he didn't think he could be wrong.

So he committed in front of the whole company to turn things around.

They formed a task force to tackle community engagement.

He held weekly meetings open to the entire staff.

He went to a whole list of things that he changed.

And the transformation after those gut-wrenching conversations was remarkable because they started to grow like crazy.

They had 260 stores and 150 more were set to open within 18 months.

This article was written in 2014 and it still seems to be working for them because in 2019,

Big B Coffee generated $141 million up from $128 million the year before,

Prior and during to the pandemic.

They expanded drive-throughs and whatnot.

So imagine if his ego had gotten involved and he wasn't open to any of that.

He would have lost his whole company.

And he was clueless,

Right?

He really could not,

He had no awareness of what was going on.

Yes,

And I would add to that the fact that there are the times when feedback is,

You need to be open to it,

As I said before,

Because you need to change,

Because you need the feedback.

And then there are the times where even if it's coming from the wrong person,

They do not have the right intentions.

Nothing happens by coincidence.

Nothing happens by accident.

And there are times when that criticism is necessary for our own growth simply as a way of diminishing what we call our ego,

Right?

Because as you were saying before,

All the scientific background for what causes us to have such a negative reaction to criticism,

At the core,

It's also in the spiritual sense,

The ego.

So the ego represents the aspects of us that do not want to grow,

That do not want to allow us to achieve our potential.

And sometimes we have to go through sort of an ego diminishing process,

Which means again,

The people who are saying what they're saying could be completely off,

Completely wrong,

But still there's a purpose to why we're going through that process.

But a great approach to something like that,

Even this has happened to me a lot.

I was once accused of something that was really,

It was not about me and it was ugly and it was mean and it was hurtful.

But I remember after all the sting and the pain went away and I was clear about it,

I said,

Okay,

Even if that's not true,

There is an aspect of truth there because certainly whatever I'm doing in that area,

I can be doing better and I can do more of.

So I think in even the things that were like,

Okay,

I'm being accused of something that isn't true,

There's always room for growth and improvement.

Right.

But then now there's another layer to this.

And there's a story that my father would often tell from his teacher.

And his teacher told him that if in life you leave this world and everybody loved you,

In my father's words,

You know,

That's the first ticket to hell.

Because the reality is that if you are to accomplish anything significant in this world,

It must awaken opposition and it must awaken people to try to stop you.

And you find this,

There's not a historical story in the history of time where a person set out and accomplished important and significant things where there wasn't great opposition.

So I think the other element,

Whether you call it criticism or feedback,

Is actually to develop the ability to discern between those moments when you need to say,

Okay,

You know why this is happening?

This is happening because I'm trying to do something important.

And anybody or anything that is trying to be done in this world that is important will always have opposition.

And that's where that comes from.

And therefore I can put it in that bucket.

And as we said earlier,

There are times when the feedback or the criticism is coming to make me better.

I need to be open and to listen to it.

But to be very,

Very clear,

Opposition,

Criticism,

Feedback is not always meant to be listened to.

And,

You know,

There are times we have to accept this as a universal truth that if you're trying to accomplish,

Opposition will be there.

Small,

Great,

One person,

100 people,

1,

000 people,

It doesn't matter.

I think it's about transforming and converting criticism to information.

Not in the case that I'm talking about.

What do you mean?

In the case that I'm talking about,

If you have the case of- Yeah,

Somebody who's just trying to stop you from doing great things.

Is that what you're saying?

Right.

But there's always going to be,

That's my point.

And it's always going to come in the form of criticism.

Let's put it this way.

I don't know what the list of the 100 most influential,

Positively influential people in the world.

I'm not sure you can find 100,

000 people who have terrible things to say about them.

So my point is,

While we've spoken about the importance to be open,

The importance to change,

The importance for feedback,

There's also another category.

Yeah,

But we're not touching that one yet.

Yes.

I wanted to just- I just did.

I know,

But that's why I was- We're not touching that one yet.

I just touched that one.

Before we really go there,

I just wanted to get clear about the gifts of criticism before we go into when to avoid it.

Because that's,

I think it's harder to accept.

It's not clear,

Right?

So I wanted to make it crystal clear before we moved on,

But okay.

So there's seven steps to take that are the gifts of criticism.

So you get the gift of it without the sting.

The first is to separate the what from the who,

Which we said.

The second is to ask questions,

Right?

It shows that you're listening and that you're interested to feedback like the big B CEO.

And it allows you to learn the context of their criticism and if it applies to a larger concern or just one interaction.

Because that's the other thing too.

When you ask questions and you're not afraid to ask questions,

Normally people hear something and they just want to shut it down or they want to walk away or they want to blame.

But if you ask questions,

You actually learn a lot about why is this person saying it?

Is it about me?

Is it about them?

Is it about something that happened once or is it something general?

So asking questions is very important.

Even something like,

How would you like me to handle this next time?

Three,

Don't internalize it.

Separate the criticism from your sense of self.

So that's what I was saying at the beginning.

It's hard to do this when you don't know who you are and you don't know enough about yourself or you're not living authentically.

But you don't need to take on everything that's said to you as the gospel truth.

Four,

Consider whether it's valid.

It's not immediately clear whether the criticism is valid or not.

Give yourself time to consider it.

Five,

Test drive it.

When someone gives you advice,

Test it out or feedback or whatever you want to call it.

Six,

Acknowledge it as a good thing.

Instead of feeling bad about criticism,

Accept it and view it as a learning opportunity.

When I was speaking once publicly and I was in a boot,

Right?

This is the beginning of the year in September.

And I said something when I was speaking about how I get a lot of unsolicited feedback.

And so somebody after the event came over to me and she wrote to me and she's like,

You know,

I just want to tell you that because I know you like feedback,

Which is not really what I said.

Because when you stand at the podium,

You're not standing straight and you're kind of leaning.

And clearly I didn't put weight on my foot and I was in pain and I was standing for hours.

But even in that,

I was like,

She really wanted to connect with me.

She wanted to communicate.

She wanted to share and she wanted to be helpful.

And even if she didn't,

Even though there was nothing I could do at the time,

It made me just think about,

OK,

Next time I give a lecture,

You know,

How do you want to stand?

I mean,

I do that anyway.

But even something like that.

Don't make excuses is number seven.

If it's valid criticism,

Don't look to shift the blame or defend yourself.

Take accountability and share your plan of how you'll handle similar situations in the future.

And I think it's really hard to do with the things that we just said in the seven lists,

The list of seven things.

So a couple of things we always say pause,

Right?

When you feel really reactive because criticism is going to make you react.

So push pause.

And in the moment,

There's a few things you can do.

Just listen.

Don't interrupt.

Don't argue.

Don't even try to decide if it's valid or not.

Because at the moment,

You're not going to be able to discern the difference and simply say thank you for bringing this to my attention.

I'm going to give it some thought.

And honestly,

I've practiced that and it really,

Really works.

It helps you actually keep your heart rate down and just be able to take on the information.

You know,

As you've mentioned,

I work with a lot of couples and John Gottman,

He's a relationship expert and he really,

A lot of his teachings really inspired me many,

Many years ago.

And he calls it the,

He's known for it really,

The four horsemen of the apocalypse,

Which he uses to predict divorce with over 90% accuracy.

And it's the most,

Well,

The one that comes first is criticism.

It's the one that once you start to go there in a relationship,

It pretty much is all downhill.

And then the other ones that follow are stonewalling defensiveness and contemptuous partners do this a lot.

But again,

Criticism,

Because my hope,

And certainly in our relationship,

I know we do want to have a feedback loop between each other.

But that is different.

And I thought about this too,

Because I was thinking like,

What was the most,

What was the best feedback I ever got in my life?

And I was like sitting with this question because I wanted to ask it to you.

So I said,

Okay,

Well,

What would I,

What would my answer be?

And I was really stumped.

And I thought about it,

Like I said,

I received a lot of criticism my whole life until I married you.

You give me a lot of feedback,

But your intention is always to help me grow and be better and have awareness,

Self-awareness.

So it's never,

It doesn't ever feel like criticism.

Sometimes it's not comfortable,

Right?

But it's always with love and you're really coming from here and it's usually true,

Right?

So I think that that in relationships,

I think it really is feedback.

Yeah,

There's actually.

.

.

But my point is you don't,

Again,

I don't know the exact reference from Gottman,

But you don't want to be in a relationship,

But there isn't a feedback loop,

Right?

Yes.

But this is what I'll tell you.

According to Gottman,

Criticism is destructive to relationships when it sounds like this.

It's about a personality or character rather than behavior.

Because you can change your behavior,

But if you're attacking a person's character,

And you married that person,

Right?

It's probably their character all along.

But yeah,

We change.

But okay,

So that's one.

Or if it's filled with blame,

That's never a successful conversation.

If it's not focused on improvement,

Again,

The feedback loop is for the hopes of improvement.

It's based on only one right way to do something and it's belittling.

And sometimes criticism is like that,

Right?

So this is when it's really destructive in a relationship.

It's not at all about what you're referencing.

I do want to,

Before you went to say something else on that,

You said something which I think is so important for our listeners.

And that is that almost always you will not be able to accept a truth that is being told to you even as feedback.

The ego is going to immediately put up a wall.

And if you understand that,

Then like you said,

You really do take the time.

You really do take the time.

Because rather,

Again,

Assuming it's not in the category that we spoke about of people that you should not be even listening to for a second,

Acknowledge that your nature,

Your ego nature is going to be no right away,

Even to valid,

Coming from the right place feedback.

So you give yourself more time to process it.

You give yourself more time to think through it.

And even if at the end you come out with it's 80% not true,

It's 20% that'll help you grow.

Exactly,

Like I said before,

Even if something,

Like somebody had said off the charts,

So not about me,

I listened.

I did exactly that press pause situation.

And then after I was like,

Okay,

Well,

I'm going to keep this in my mind because actually I don't want to be that person that they described.

And I needed to hear this for whatever reason.

And so I started to just be more mindful of making sure I wasn't all the things that I was accused of.

Yeah,

And I would say it's interesting because it's related to the criticism or feedback,

Whatever you want to call it,

That I got,

Was it yesterday or two days ago?

No,

Not from me.

No,

No,

No,

Not from you.

From somebody I don't really know.

Oh,

What,

Do we know that story?

Yeah.

So what it did,

Even though,

Again,

The person probably not coming from the best place and perspective not exactly right,

But what it did,

As I did think about it,

Because I know everything does come from the creator,

Is that it gave me a perspective of how some people might be seeing certain situations that I'm not even aware of,

Which I think is always,

For me,

It wasn't so much that I felt that I did something wrong that needs to change,

But rather it awakened more mindfulness about the way others see situations,

Which I think is very helpful.

Are you going to take his advice?

Yeah,

Why not?

Why not?

Why not?

Again,

I'll use that example without going into too much detail,

Is that the way he was saying it was like,

You're doing something specific for your ego,

And I don't think it's right.

Of course,

That wasn't true.

I mean,

I can say honestly,

In that case,

It wasn't true in the least,

But again,

Like I said,

But what it did,

For me,

The truth from that conversation was,

Again,

The view of how somebody else might be viewing that situation,

And in that case,

There's something that I can do to change certain things.

Why not?

But I do want to talk about,

If we can,

Giving criticism,

Because we've spoken up until now about receiving or not receiving feedback.

And this is a very important topic,

And as I said,

There's two types of people in life.

There are,

And then of course,

There's a gamut in between.

There are people who enjoy giving criticism and are often doing it,

And then there are those who don't.

So I'm talking about that first group now.

And I think it's important,

Especially for parents,

Partners,

Friends,

People who you do really love,

I think we underestimate,

Especially in close relationships,

How much impact our words have.

And I've had this situation with our kids,

With at least two of our kids in different times,

Where there's no doubt how much I love them.

There's no doubt that what I was saying to them,

Even if I repeated it a number of times,

It was coming from love and only for their benefit.

I can say that completely.

But I realized with the certain comments that they said,

And our daughter is very,

Thankfully,

Very clear about her feelings,

Her emotions,

And therefore her feedback.

And she said,

When you say that,

It makes me feel this.

And she,

I believe we can ask her if she ever comes on the podcast.

I think she does know that I did not mean it in a negative way or in a way to hurt,

But it was so,

I was so happy to hear that.

Because clearly,

The only reason I was sharing was because I thought it would benefit her.

But I realized either I was saying it too often,

Or I wasn't finding the right way to say it.

And I should change that.

So I think it's so important,

Again,

Especially those of our listeners that are on the critical side of the spectrum,

To really take a look inside.

How often are you giving feedback,

And to who are you giving feedback?

I think I might have shared this once,

But I remember somebody once came up to my father,

Somebody who didn't know my father,

Didn't like my father.

And he told him certain things that he should change or shouldn't do.

And my father's next question was,

I'm so happy that you're sharing that with me.

I also,

Would you lend me some money?

And the point was,

And my father didn't need the money at the time,

But my point was,

If you're giving criticism,

What you're inherently saying is,

I care for you so much.

And if you're doing something wrong,

I have to help you because I love you so much,

And I want to stop you from doing something wrong.

Well,

If you love me,

You can give me a loan.

So I think- How did that story end?

Well,

I just walked off,

Of course.

I'm happy and upset.

But the point is that you should be very mindful of giving criticism.

And ask yourself the question,

Is this somebody that I love?

If the answer is no,

Close your mouth.

Keep it to yourself.

And then even if it's,

Of course,

Somebody you love and really care for,

Are you doing it in a way that is best for them?

Now,

Sometimes you're not,

It's not against the person that say they love like the coffee shop,

Right?

And they want to work there,

But the way it's being handled is that because they're so invested in the person.

Okay.

Love is a big word.

Care for.

Care for.

You're saying that because they don't really care for the CEO,

They cared for their situation.

Yeah.

And there is that a lot,

Which is dangerous because then the person really thinks they're right and all in the,

They get on their high orders just for the sake of- I hate high orders.

I care so much about this organization or this company and you're just not doing it right.

It's tricky what you're saying.

I know what you're saying.

But it's not because that would be in somebody's mind,

Well,

No,

I don't care for that person running.

If they weren't running it,

Then everything would be okay.

And so my criticism is the way they're operating it,

Not the company.

Yeah.

I would say in that case,

Try to.

.

.

I would,

Again,

Anybody of course can do whatever they want.

My recommendation would be for myself.

If I don't feel a real care for the person to whom I'm about to share my feedback with,

I probably should think twice really hard whether I should or should not.

But my point is to our listeners,

Again,

To our listeners,

What I would strongly recommend,

Especially if you're on the critical spectrum,

Try to be very mindful of your feelings towards the person.

And I would say probably 80% of your feedback you should keep to yourself.

The second part to that,

Which is really important,

Because again,

We live in a world where often people feel so free to give feedback.

The second is,

Is it coming from a place of humility?

And let me explain that,

Which I think is really important.

I try whenever I give feedback and often people come to me and say,

Can you give me some feedback?

How can I become a better person?

I can become a more spiritual person.

I try to come from the place of knowing I am no better than that person.

Because what does a high horse mean?

It means the person giving the feedback feels I'm better than you.

You're doing something wrong.

I'm not doing that thing wrong.

And I'm going to tell you what's wrong with you because I'm better than you.

Inherently or consciously,

This is what the conversation really is about.

If you're coming from that place,

Again,

Keep your feedback to yourself.

Unless you really understand,

No,

I have my faults,

They had their faults,

I'm no way better than them,

But I do care for them.

And I think this might be helpful for them.

Therefore,

I'm going to give it.

If you feel you're better than somebody else,

You probably should not be giving them any feedback.

By the way,

It reminds me of,

People did this to Karen,

Especially,

But to both of them and Karen.

To my parents.

Your parents.

They did amazing things.

Opening Kabbalah to the world.

They had a lot of opposition from people who would criticize beyond,

Karen should do it this way.

Especially after the rub had passed,

After he had the stroke,

She should do it that way.

If I was doing things,

I could do it better or I would be a millionaire myself by now.

If,

If,

If,

If.

And the problem with that is,

First of all,

It's just talk.

It's ideas.

It's thinking.

Karen really took her thoughts and her ideas and she made them actionable.

Right.

And I find often that people criticizing,

It comes from a place of lack.

They don't really believe in their own ability to do something and or they haven't been able to do something that they want to do.

And so therefore they can look at this person because,

Oh,

I had that idea.

Yeah.

Maybe you had that same idea,

But what did you do with it?

Right.

So,

I mean,

That kind of criticism,

I think bothers me the most.

It's based on a person's own insecurity in that.

And that's really,

Again,

I would add the three,

We spoke about two and this is the third element of how you should question yourself before you about criticism.

Is it coming from a place of lack?

Where are you invested in this conversation?

Right.

So,

So I just want to repeat because I think it really is so,

Let me put it this way.

Our world would be a much better world if people thought about these three things before they gave feedback.

And everybody be more open to it by the way.

Yeah.

The first was,

Do you really care for that person?

The second was,

Is it coming from a place of humility,

Not from a high horse?

And the third,

Which you just said,

Is it coming from a place of lack within myself?

And again,

I cannot stress this enough,

Maybe because we're often,

Because we're seen by many people and many people feel free,

More you than me,

But sometimes me,

To sort of share their feedback and we've seen how freely criticism or feedback is used.

Think about these three things deeply before you give any feedback.

There's a famous quote from a great Italian capitalist,

Romcaldo,

Who said,

If you see somebody do something wrong and you're really excited to tell them about it,

Wait three days and then go.

Which means if usually,

I don't really care about you.

I don't really,

It's coming from,

I'm really angry and that's why I'm going to tell you this.

After three days,

It's still important to me to go ahead and have a conversation with you.

It probably has some truth and importance to it.

Our world,

Unfortunately,

I think this is maybe one of the most immediate negativity.

Immediate isn't so bad if it's good,

Right?

But there's so much immediate,

Social media,

Of course,

We know everybody,

All of our listeners know the way the world is today.

Cancel culture.

Yes,

So much immediate negativity.

You can,

It always surprises me.

You will,

Again,

Not that I do too much research,

But I'm sure this is obvious.

Any person who posts something on Instagram,

You'll get immediate negative reactions.

You might get a lot of good ones,

But almost always you'll get also somebody saying something terrible,

Nasty.

Somebody doesn't know you.

My point is this negative energy is something that we all have to work on stopping and every one of us has to do our part because this is the beauty about this topic.

Every one of us has failed in some degree in this area.

Both in giving it and receiving it.

Exactly.

Well,

Just to clarify,

There's three different ways people refer to criticism.

Criticism,

Constructive criticism,

And feedback.

So,

Criticism we know we've expressed that it is the disapproval of somebody or their problems or faults.

Basically,

It's a judgment.

Constructive criticism.

Well,

Some business coaches and psychologists argue that there's no such thing as constructive criticism,

Citing that the two words are hopelessly at odds.

Constructive suggests building up,

Where criticism suggests tearing down.

Further recipients won't listen if you give feedback in the form of criticism,

But for the sake of our podcast,

I think we're going to say that constructive criticism is the same as feedback,

Which basically it is,

But nobody likes the word criticism,

But that is in essence,

Right?

So,

Criticism says this is wrong.

Feedback says this is an area for improvement.

So,

It's just,

I think,

Taking the emphasis off the negative and putting it more on the positive.

Feedback focuses on how to improve,

Focuses on the behavior you'd like to see,

Encourages change,

Offers to help,

Respects the person's autonomy.

So,

An example of criticism versus feedback.

Criticism focuses on what's wrong.

Why can't you ever get this straight?

Feedback focuses on how to improve.

Let's go over this together.

So,

I think those are really two very specific indications of how you can check yourself when you're ready to have conversations with,

Let's say,

You're the boss or to your employee,

Whatever,

Wherever,

Even as a parent in relationships.

Again,

Criticism implies the worst about others' personality.

You're stubborn and lazy.

Feedback is about behavior,

Not personality.

Criticism devalues.

I guess you're not smart enough to figure this out.

Feedback encourages.

I know you have a lot on your plate,

But I'm pretty sure we can figure this out together.

And I can go on and on and on.

But basically,

I think that creates a really specific delineation of the two.

So,

We did get some questions on this topic.

Before that,

I just want to say one more thing related to what I was saying before,

Especially for parents and people in relationships.

We underestimate the impact of our words.

Even coming from love,

Even for the purpose of helping our children,

Our spouse,

Especially in those close relationships,

You don't know.

You really can't comprehend how impactful your words are.

It shapes us.

Yeah.

It shapes us.

And if we have to be so,

So,

So mindful.

Did you,

Again,

You want your child not to be lazy.

Did you say,

Oh,

You're a lazy boy for the last 10 days in a row?

That is so detrimental.

And again,

It takes work.

How to say it,

How to speak about it in a way that is constructive,

That builds them up.

I believed all the negative things I heard about myself from really my whole- The parents,

You want to say?

No,

Family.

Yeah.

Not specifically only parents.

It's funny.

You know,

It's reminded me last weekend,

We had people over at our house Friday night for a meal.

And one of them shared,

One of the questions we asked around the table was what is something,

What was the most impactful thing from your childhood that shaped who you are today?

And he was sharing a story that he wanted to be a doctor.

And his teacher who he remembered his name to this day,

And this is now about 40 years later or something like that.

I remember my teacher who had the same impact on me.

He said to him,

What were the exact words you remember probably better than I?

He said,

Don't even try.

I think it was math class,

Don't even try.

You're never going to be a doctor.

Exactly.

You don't have what it takes or something like that.

And from that- But luckily this guy turned it around.

It drove him.

It drove him.

He's like,

Oh yeah,

Let me show you.

I have a sweatshirt that says underestimate me.

That will be fun.

And I knew that was his mindset.

But most people are not like that.

And it took me,

My point is this,

You can transform that.

You can transform anything negative that's been said to you to something positive.

You also can choose not to take it in.

Right.

But my point is on the parent,

The spouse,

The friend.

The influencer,

Somebody that is the role model for you.

You should not,

You should know- Your power.

That you are underestimating the influence of your words,

That words have on your child,

Your partner,

Your friend.

So we got a number of questions from our listeners.

And as many of you know,

Certainly in the spiritually healing lives that are coming up in London,

Mexico,

And New York- And LA.

And LA.

And also moving forward,

You'll know the topics of the podcast so you can send in your questions and be a part of them.

So please continue to send your questions to Monica and Michael at kabala.

Com.

So Monica,

I have a question.

One of our listeners sent in a question.

My father is constantly critiquing my children when we're together.

He was like this growing up with me,

But it bothers me so much more when I see it happen with my children.

I value family a lot and want my children to cherish time with their grandparents,

But I can't stand to see them hurt.

How should I navigate this dynamic?

I think it's time to rewrite the script here.

I mean,

First of all,

If you experience this firsthand as a child,

You know the pain that your children might be feeling.

Of course,

Everybody takes things in differently.

And I think that you can value family and also create healthy boundaries.

In fact,

I think it's a necessary process that parents and children go through because the relationship,

I think out of all the relationships in the world,

That is the one that needs to change and stretch and grow more than any other.

Because when a child comes into the world,

That's a very wise thing you just said.

I think when a child comes in the world,

The parent,

You know,

You don't sleep,

You don't eat,

You put every need of your child first because they simply cannot survive without your help.

And that becomes the pattern maybe for too long for some.

And then,

Of course,

When the child's around 12,

13,

Spiritually speaking,

But also many other levels,

A shift happens where they need to start thinking about being the giver and not just the receiver.

And then that dynamic has to keep evolving over time.

Part of this,

Not just with giving and receiving,

A big aspect of that relationship has to be creating healthy boundaries.

So a parent who is used to taking care of the child might always feel like they know better than the child because for a period of time they do.

When you're a child,

You don't know that thing is dangerous or why you should avoid that the mother or the father has more experience.

So when a child then says,

Okay,

I need to be autonomous now and I actually need to learn to think for myself and to learn to make mistakes and grow from them or just live and put myself out there,

The parent needs to be able to step back.

And those actually that often requires a lot of conversations.

Most people don't.

They just fight about it.

They avoid them.

They don't want to disrespect their parent.

Then they feel badly.

The truth is,

And I've done this with my mom especially,

We have rewritten our relationship many,

Many,

Many times over boundaries.

And then those get blurred and then you create different ones.

And because we've been able to do that,

The love grows,

The relationship grows.

And this dynamic,

The question that we were asked,

It would never occur because whatever my mother did to me as a child and nothing,

But of course,

We all make mistakes.

I'm sure my kids are going to tell me the things that I did to them when they grow up.

Wait for their podcast.

But if,

And actually I saw my mom doing something similar to my niece actually.

And I said,

I don't,

They might want to think about that because this doesn't feel really great.

And this is why.

And having those kinds of conversations.

So I think that of course it will be hard the first time,

Especially if they haven't done it.

I started doing this with my mom when I was around 21,

22.

And then we kept having these conversations and we still do.

And also I invite her to do the same and tell me how she feels if I wasn't sensitive or there's something I need to know.

So don't be worried if it's uncomfortable or if it's a bit painful.

You can do it with kindness and respect and integrity.

But I do think it's really important to create a healthy space for your children because at the end of the day,

Your number one job is to protect them and navigate them and keep them safe and strong and able and healthy minded,

Mentally,

Physically,

Spiritually.

And nobody should be part of a conversation that feels bad.

Absolutely.

I would just,

I think that's the perfect answer.

The only thing I would add is as we were saying earlier,

Don't underestimate the impact it's having on your kids.

And therefore,

Because you have some better estimation of that,

You have to protect them that much more strongly.

Number one,

Number two is that Kabbalistic,

We know there's a concept of Tikkun,

That there's a correction that you need to make.

It's not a coincidence that it's happening with your parents now and your kids.

It's because there's something for you to correct.

So even if it could go away like that,

That's not what you want.

You want to be able to have that conversation.

You want to be able to stand up for yourself and your child.

So you're actually supposed to have it.

The reason it's still in your life and it's still in your movie and your cassette is because it's part of your process in this life is to be able to become that person that says,

Hey,

That thing that's not really okay.

Yeah.

And the final thing that I will say is that again,

I just want to review that very wise thing you said,

Which as you were saying it,

I just made a note for myself.

I think this should be a whole podcast on the evolutionary need of our relationship with our parents.

If your relationship with your parents is the same now as it was when you were a child.

I know some people like that.

Yes,

Unfortunately,

That's absolutely,

Then that's not where it should be.

But I just want to point out how wise that is.

And all of us should think about that.

How does our relationship evolve as it needs to,

Certainly with our parents,

Because as you said,

That is the one that probably has to evolve.

All relationships should be going through an evolution and growth,

But the one with our parents- This is simply happening no matter what.

It's a completely,

If you really,

And I've thought about this a lot,

Especially with my father,

His process in the last couple of years and you see it.

It's not like,

Because in a lot of other relationships,

You can't really see the evolution,

The change,

The transformation for good,

Bad.

I mean,

It's just happening in front of you.

It's like growing out of a pair of shoes or growing out of training wheels.

That evolution is happening.

What are you going to do with it?

So I think it's fascinating.

But in conclusion of today's episode,

Criticism has the power to paralyze us if we let it.

And I love this quote by Theodore Roosevelt.

He said,

It's not the critic who counts,

Not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,

Whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood,

Who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst,

If he fails,

At least he fails while daring greatly.

Love that quote.

And it reminds me again of your parents.

Their outlook,

I think,

In all the criticism they received from Ringo Ball of the world was,

This is what my soul is meant to do.

And if it's going to be painful or joyful,

I'm going to do it.

If people love us or hate us,

It's what I'm going to do.

So I think that's really inspirational of,

You know,

Criticism has its place,

But it's up to you to know where to put it and how to give it actually as well.

So I would leave our listeners with a quote from Norman Vincent Peale.

The problem with most of us is that we would rather be ruined by praise than be saved by criticism.

I love that.

So what we're saying,

Again,

Really,

I think there's two parts.

The receivers of feedback,

We want to be getting better and better because we know we need to grow.

We know that we can see everything about ourselves and therefore we need to desire to receive the proper feedback.

On the other hand,

Choose and know the times that you should not be listening to the naysayers,

The critics.

On the other hand,

To the critics,

Which we all are at different times,

Be much more mindful.

Come from a place of true care,

Otherwise don't speak.

Come from a place of truly desiring to help,

Otherwise don't speak.

And make sure that you're doing it in a way that lifts the individual up.

And as I said earlier,

What I'm excited about this podcast is that if we all,

To whatever degree we can,

Change this,

The world is going to be a better place.

This is definitely too much negativity in our world.

And judgment and criticism.

So we are going to be doing Spiritual Hungry Live over the next few weeks in London,

In Mexico,

In New York City,

If you're in- And LA.

Sorry,

And LA.

If you're in any of those cities,

Please join us.

And bring your questions and participate.

Yes,

Bring your questions.

Continue to send your questions and comments to monicaandmichaelatkabala.

Com.

Continue to share your inspiring stories with us at monicaandmichaelatkabala.

Com.

And we hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording.

Stay spiritually hungry.

Bye.