The Power Of Compassion To Set Clear Boundaries

Welcome to this Power Talk to start your day with an open heart and open mind.

Today we are going to talk about to use the power of compassion to set clear boundaries.

In fact,

You can't be compassionate without clear boundaries.

That will become very clear today.

Discover the inner saboteur that prevents you from setting boundaries.

You will experience what it's like to take ownership of your life and feel free.

If you like it you can take pen and paper for your own notes.

I'm Diana and I'd love to take you along in this Power Talk.

Not for nothing that a lot of our meditations I open it with to say start your day with an open mind and open heart.

I'm convinced that you can only receive and give if you are open.

Many people feel alone and closed off,

Separated from others.

That in itself is a subject that can be discussed in more detail,

But for now it's enough to know and to investigate for yourself what is more useful for me.

If I'm open or if I'm closed or if I'm locked up inside myself.

When do I feel lighter and when do I feel heavier?

When do I experience less contact and when do I experience more contact?

When can I count on help from someone else and when is the other person not even aware that I exist,

That I'm also there?

These are pretty heavy themes but I know that many people struggle with this and very often they do it on their own and that's not the intention.

The intention is on one hand that you take ownership of your own life and take responsibility for your own life and on the other hand that you can share with other people,

That you can share joys and sorrows with someone else.

Sharing that's different from carrying something from someone else or wanting someone else to wear something for you and that's how we come to compassion because compassion means realizing you're connected to everything and everyone,

That we're connected to each other through love or universal energy or God or whatever resonates for you.

We all know pain,

We all know sorrow,

Loss,

Fears and shame and all the human things that can be experienced here on earth.

By having compassion you give someone a little bit more space.

You realize you are having a hard time and you do what you do the best of your ability,

Otherwise you might do it differently.

But I understand you,

I also struggle how to do my things.

Sometimes I feel very nice and be understanding and sometimes I'm absolutely not.

You and I are both human likewise to yourself.

Compassion and self-compassion make you strong because you won't push yourself or be hard on yourself that much and also you're not that hard and pushy towards another person.

You are kinder to yourself and to someone else.

You're more likely to continue to grow and develop because you don't let yourself go so quickly discouraged.

You have respect for yourself and other persons.

Lack of compassion makes people hard for themselves and for others.

What does research show?

Brené Brown spent over 20 years researching and collecting data on the common denominator of people who are compassionate,

Including monks and other kind charitable individuals.

She thought the common denominator must be spirituality,

But it wasn't.

It was setting boundaries.

These compassionate people are apparently the best limited people on earth.

How can you see that?

And I just mentioned being compassionate is being respectful not only to the other person but also to yourself.

And what is a nice friendly thing to do?

Be bright.

What's unkind,

Not compassionate?

And let that sink in.

That's not being clear.

Avoiding pain.

Avoiding,

Oh they might not even like me.

Once I had a conversation with a woman who got this fast not long after that she told me how she felt and saw things.

I asked her,

Did you also communicate this to your husband?

And she said no.

There is a lot of talk but little spoken or really stated what you really experienced from your heart.

It turns out to be very difficult for us humans to be open and honest.

This deprives you of respect for yourself and the other and you can see this as unkind,

Not okay,

Because it leads to confusion and in this case clearly to a divorce.

So be very clear about what you like or what you don't like,

What you find normal,

Right or wrong for you.

What's okay for you and what's not.

Another practical example is a group of young people want to go camping until one of the parents say no I don't think it's a good idea.

So my daughter she can't come because the responsibility for her is too big and because this girl wasn't coming to the camping party the whole party was cancelled.

But what was the reaction of the other parents?

Oh I'm so glad you said she wasn't allowed.

It was irresponsible.

I didn't dare to say it but the other parents had felt it.

They felt their limit.

They felt what was not okay for them.

It was pretty clear that it wasn't okay for them but they let it go along anyway.

Charity means that you can be loving to others.

In this example of the daughter and the other children that you as a parent can take care of them and in being very clear of what you want and what you don't like you can support other persons to be there too.

Recognize,

See clearly that this is not about having fake boundaries.

It's precisely about an open attitude.

A border is not a closed door.

You are just open and transparent.

It's not about I'm slamming the door so no one can come in.

No.

Because that causes a feeling of being alone,

Of separation and that's precisely what it's not.

But setting boundaries it's often very difficult because you don't want to disappoint someone else or your children or your spouse or your friends or colleagues.

People are afraid of what someone else will think and want to comply with it.

The price you pay is separation,

Ambiguity and a bad feeling.

So for now you've heard this.

Dare to say I choose.

I choose self-love.

I choose self-respect and I take it for granted that I disappoint someone else or not meet their expectations.

Do you dare to say I want to be compassionate and have clear boundaries by being open and transparent and thereby run the risk of disappointing others or having to enter into a difficult conversation?

But maybe your answer is no.

So what's holding you back?

If your answer is yes I'm there to be compassionate and be clear about our boundaries.

What are the pitfalls you can protect yourself from?

Because surely there will be people and situations that are more challenging and where you really need to prepare yourself properly and stay with what is happening.

This is about change in behavior and your mind will want to stop you from this change.

You now know that not having clear boundaries make you feel bad and that you have a choice now to start practicing.

It doesn't have to be perfect in one time.

You can grow and learn in this.

So be prepared.

You need to know and clarify for yourself what is important to you.

So you need to know what is true to you.

When it's okay.

When it's not okay anymore.

What you like and what you don't like.

And also how can you remain honest with yourself?

And how do you feel if you are honest to yourself?

By playing with these questions inside yourself and keep in contact with what you experience inside yourself.

This is a way to keep practicing.

You will discover that only then you can be truly generous and open to others.

And see the other one as someone who also does their best within their own abilities.

Because what will happen if you don't remain honest to yourself?

In other words you will cross your own limit of what is right and good for you.

So what happens?

How do you react to people who cross your boundaries?

More often you feel angry,

Disappointed,

Resentful.

It doesn't feel that good.

Do you recognize that?

For me that was really an eye-opener.

To admit to myself what is really going on.

And thus I discovered an invincible saboteur.

And I ask you to sympathize for yourself for now.

Are there times when you feel a mixture of disappointed,

A little angry,

Irritated,

A little sad,

A little resentful towards someone else?

If something comes to your mind right away,

Take that as an example.

I find out,

Now I recognize that feeling very well,

That I was actually neglecting to do something.

That I was neglecting to take good care of myself.

An example could be that my partner is going to do something very exciting.

Am I not happy for him?

Yes of course.

I want him to have a really good time.

And yet I feel that weird resentful sensation.

So what's going on?

Maybe I fail to myself to have more fun.

And then I project that on someone else.

So it has nothing to do with the other person or with the situation,

But with how I organize and be honest and respectful to myself.

Let's take a look at the point of compassion to examine what you may have forgotten to do if you feel a little resentful.

Be respectful not only to the person but also to yourself.

Do you have respect for yourself as a human being?

For your own wishes and desires?

For your need to sleep and relaxation?

The need to be able to express yourself?

To let your body move?

So what's a nice friendly thing to do?

Be bright,

But unkind,

Uncompassionate and just let that sink in.

That's not being clear.

Avoiding pain,

Avoiding maybe,

Oh dear,

Now they might not like me.

Am I clear in what I need?

Not that the other has to give that to me,

But do I give it to myself?

That may also be that you enjoy the place where you live,

Have good friends,

That you are clear about your own rhythm and pace and the way you like things to happen and to unfold and that you don't make any concessions.

Be clear about what you like and don't like,

What you find normal,

Right and wrong for you.

And so we come back to the fact that this clarity means that you can be loving towards others because there's only clarity inside yourself.

There are no fake boundaries,

But an open attitude in which you have all the space for yourself and the other person.

Finally,

We are going to do a short exercise to discover for yourself what the invisible saboteur reports to you.

You get a chance to take care of yourself,

Be honest with yourself and discover what you need.

So for now,

Take a comfortable seat and close your eyes.

Take a moment to let go of everything that you've just heard.

Focus yourself on your breathing,

Connect your body and your mind and let go with a sigh.

But now there is a time for self-compassion.

Take a situation where you find yourself feeling sad.

Perhaps recognize that resentful feeling,

A pain or sorrow that is now entering your mind and just be open and feel what this is really about.

What is really going on?

Where do you experience this feeling in your body?

And tell yourself,

Darling,

This is really not nice.

You are in pain now,

In sadness.

That's really bad for you.

Do realize that there are many people who feel this same way.

You are not alone.

The way you feel right now is very human and it can happen to anybody.

It's not nice and you are not alone in this.

Now ask yourself what you can do for yourself as a compassionate step to be there for yourself.

In other words,

What step can you take that feels 100% good to you,

That is honest to you and it's respectful?

An honest,

Respectful,

100% feeling good step for you.

Thank yourself for being honest and respectful and clear to yourself and agree with yourself when and how you will take this step.

Write down your own plan.

Prepare yourself.

Write down how you can be more compassionate,

How you can be more clear,

How you can set your boundaries and be honest,

Open and transparent.

This is a great thing to do with someone else.

So then you get the opportunity to grow and develop together.

For now I wish you a clear and happy day.

Namaste.