Meditation On Forgiving Ourselves And Others

During these monthly Sharing the Dharma days,

Venerable Chodron has been reading from and discussing parts of one of her books called Working with Anger.

I think this is quite a relevant topic for all of us.

And last month in the Sharing the Dharma days,

She talked about Chapter 4 of that book,

Which explores the question,

Is anger useful?

And at the end of that chapter,

There's a section on forgiveness.

And I thought to begin today's event with a meditation on forgiveness.

And I was thinking that,

You know,

If we hold on to anger and grudges against people,

You know,

It never really feels good,

I think.

But especially at this time of the year,

Because we have these holidays coming up,

We have Thanksgiving,

Then Christmas and New Year's,

And these are times when people get together with family and friends,

Acquaintances,

And the idea is to celebrate,

You know,

To have a good time.

And if we're at these events,

Then we're feeling angry at somebody or holding a grudge against somebody,

You know,

It's very unpleasant,

Very uncomfortable.

And it can also affect the whole atmosphere,

The whole celebration,

And even ruin the whole thing.

So I think that learning how to forgive is always a good thing to do,

But especially now at this time of the year.

And there's a really nice meditation on forgiveness that I first encountered many years ago in a book called A Path with Heart by Jack Kornfield.

And so I'll use that today,

I'll use a somewhat amended version of that meditation.

And before we begin,

Just to remind you of something that is in the book,

Working with Anger,

When it's talking about forgiveness there.

Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning harmful actions.

So it doesn't mean somebody does something harmful to you or anyone else.

Forgiving them means saying,

Oh,

It's completely okay,

You know,

As if you're pretending nothing wrong ever happened,

Right?

It doesn't mean that.

So,

In our tradition,

One of the ways we develop forgiveness is by making a mental separation of the person who did that harmful action and their harmful action.

So we kind of separate those in our mind.

And we acknowledge that the person isn't 100% bad,

You know,

They're not always doing harmful actions.

You know,

They have some good qualities,

And they do some good things.

So we're acknowledging that,

Not ignoring that.

And then we can extend what we work on.

It takes time,

Usually,

But we learn to forgive them,

And it's even possible to go further than that and feel compassion and kindness towards them,

While at the same time maintaining that the harmful actions they did were wrong,

Were harmful.

So we're not condoning those,

And we do anything we can to try to stop that harmful behavior,

But we do it without anger and hatred and judgmentalness.

So that's the ideal to work towards.

Then we'll do some silent meditation for about five or ten minutes to help our minds settle down.

Then I will guide this meditation on forgiveness.

And the four immeasurables are love,

Compassion,

Joy,

And equanimity.

We try to develop those states of mind towards other beings,

All beings without exception.

It's hard,

But it can be done gradually.

So see if you can feel how wonderful it would be if all people and all beings everywhere could be happy and free of suffering,

And feel the wish that by what we're doing here today,

We can make a contribution towards that.

Okay,

So check your position,

Your sitting position,

And it's important to be comfortable when we're doing meditation,

So try to find a comfortable position.

But whether you're sitting on the floor or on a chair,

It's good if you can keep your back straight,

Because that helps the mind to be more clear,

Concentrated,

And awake.

But while keeping the back straight,

It's also good to be as relaxed as possible and not tight or tense.

If you do notice any tension anywhere in your body,

See if you can let go of it,

Release it.

One fairly easy way to be more relaxed and let go of tension is by taking a few deep breaths.

If you breathe in slowly,

Deeply,

As much as you can before it gets uncomfortable,

Pause for a moment,

And then exhale slowly,

Let your breath go out slowly.

And you can imagine if there is any tension in your body,

It goes out with the breath.

But don't worry about it becoming a problem for anyone else,

You can imagine it just disappearing in space.

So do that for three breaths,

Long and slow breaths,

And then just resume a normal rate of breathing.

So now,

Focus your attention or your awareness on your breathing,

Just allowing the breath to flow naturally,

Don't try to change or control the breath in any way,

Just let your body breathe as it normally does.

And with your mind,

Your awareness,

Just lightly observe the breath as it's coming in and going out,

One breath after another.

Try not to let the mind wander away from the breath,

Although it probably will,

That's normal.

So you might hear a sound that distracts you,

Or a thought will pop up in your mind,

Something that happened earlier today,

Or some plans you have for later today,

Tonight,

Tomorrow.

So our mind is often busy thinking about the past,

Or the future,

Or other places,

Or all kinds of things.

So it's hard to stop that,

But we can learn to ignore thoughts,

Put them aside,

And then return our attention to an object,

Like the breathing.

So try to do that,

Whenever your mind wanders away from the breath,

Just let go of that other thought,

Or whatever distraction it may be,

Let it go,

Put it aside,

And bring your attention back to your breathing.

And don't worry if you have to keep doing that again and again,

It's fine,

That's how we learn to meditate,

To practice cultivating concentration.

So we'll now move into the more reflective part of the meditation,

But while doing this,

Still try to keep your attention on what we're doing here,

And if your mind gets distracted to something else not related to what we're doing here,

Then let go of that other thought,

And bring your mind back to this meditation.

So even if we want to generate forgiveness,

It can be difficult to do so,

Especially if we've been really deeply hurt by someone,

Sometimes we may even feel that we don't want to forgive,

That they don't deserve forgiveness.

But it can help to recognize how painful it is to hang on to blame,

Anger,

And hatred.

So do you think you can be truly happy if you're holding anger in your heart,

Closing your heart to someone?

Imagine what it would be like if you could let go of that anger and experience the peace of forgiveness.

So there are several steps in this meditation.

The first one is to forgive ourselves for things that we have done,

That we feel bad about,

That we know we're wrong.

So sometimes it's easier to forgive others than to forgive ourselves.

We sometimes hold grudges against ourselves and blame ourselves and feel guilty.

But let's give that a try.

So allow memories and images and emotions about things that you have done,

Things you have said,

Things you have thought that you feel bad about and you haven't forgiven yourself for.

So just allow those to arise in your mind.

And see if you can understand that those things you feel bad about are not permanent,

Inherent qualities of you,

But rather temporary,

Transitory aspects of yourself that come and go.

And you're not always like that.

You're not always behaving that way.

You can bring to mind times when you behaved in the opposite way.

You did things that were positive and beneficial instead of negative and harmful.

Also,

There are causes and conditions that led us to behave in those negative ways.

And we don't always have control over what kind of causes and conditions we find ourselves in.

And we can gradually learn to cultivate the causes and conditions so that we stop those harmful ways of behaving and can behave in ways that are more positive,

Beneficial,

Constructive.

So there's room for change.

There's always the possibility of learning and growing and changing.

So with those thoughts in mind,

Let's see if we can generate forgiveness for ourselves.

So there's some words or phrases that you can say to yourself,

Repeat to yourself,

To try to generate the feeling of forgiveness.

So,

From your heart,

Say to yourself,

I forgive myself for whatever I have done in the past,

Intentionally or unintentionally.

My actions,

Words,

And thoughts,

I have suffered enough.

I have learned and grown and I'm ready now to open my heart to myself.

May I be happy and may I be free from confusion and mental afflictions.

May I know the joy of truly understanding myself,

Others,

And the world.

May I come to know my own wholeness and fullness and help others to do the same.

So you may not be able to actually feel the meaning behind those words,

To feel forgiveness for yourself,

But that's okay.

It's good enough right now to just say these words to yourself and try to forgive yourself,

And gradually you will learn to do that.

And then the next step in the meditation is to forgive someone else,

Someone you love,

Who has hurt you in some way.

So imagine such a person in the space in front of you.

And from your heart to their heart,

Directly communicate the following.

With all my heart,

I forgive you for whatever you may have done intentionally or unintentionally.

By your actions,

Your words,

Or your thoughts that have caused me pain,

I forgive you.

And if you find it helpful,

You can remember what we thought about earlier,

That that person isn't always 100% of the time behaving in those ways.

I have a lot of good qualities and do a lot of good things.

And then ask the other person to forgive you for whatever you have done intentionally or unintentionally.

By your actions,

Your words,

Your thoughts.

Ask for forgiveness from the other person.

And again,

If it's difficult to really feel the meaning behind those words,

That's okay.

Just trying to do that is good enough.

Just saying those words to yourself is good enough right now.

And then wish that both yourself and the other person to be happy,

Free,

And joyful.

May we both open our hearts and minds to feel love and understanding for each other.

As we grow into wholeness.

Imagine that the message has been received and accepted.

And affirm the healing that has taken place within you and between you and the other person.

And then allow the image to melt into space.

And then the final step is to extend forgiveness to other people.

So think about some of the people toward whom you have closed your heart.

Remember how you felt and what you did when people abused you,

Spoke harshly,

Took your parking place,

Pushed in front of you in a line,

And so on.

Consider how many people you have hurt in some way by your own conscious or unconscious actions,

Words,

And thoughts.

How many times have you been the abuser,

The one who pushed in,

The one who spoke harshly?

Imagine all those people in front of you.

And imagine saying to them,

I forgive you.

And I ask you to forgive me for whatever I have done intentionally or unintentionally that has hurt you.

May you and I and all of us create the causes for happiness in our lives.

And may we all come to know the joy of truly understanding and experiencing our interconnectedness,

Our interdependence.

May we open our hearts and minds to each other and meet in harmony.

So as a conclusion to the meditation,

Try to feel as clearly and wholeheartedly as you can that you have actually released all guilt about your own actions and all anger and blame toward others for their actions.

And just imagine the guilt,

The anger,

The blame just dissolving,

Disappearing in space.

And in this moment,

Allow yourself to feel forgiveness and a patient acceptance of all those actions that happened in the past.

So now let's make a mental dedication of the positive energy or merit from doing this meditation that it will bring peace and happiness to all living beings everywhere and help them get in touch with their good nature,

Their natural qualities of love,

Compassion,

Wisdom,

And forgiveness.