Talk: How To Have Hard Conversations With Emotional Maturity

This is a time of accelerated healing.

There's so much opportunity right now people,

If you're aware that you can start touching into some of these very deep core wounds that you might have had since childhood that are inadvertently affecting your present moment.

And we know that's happening when we get triggered.

You know,

We have an emotional reaction to something somebody says,

Because it reminds us of something that's happened in the past.

And there's a meaning that we derive from that past experience.

So if you haven't noticed,

Especially around the time of the election,

People were getting triggered left and right.

I mean,

It was really,

It was really polarized,

Very divisive.

So I want to share a little bit about having emotional maturity,

And what that means,

And how to have hard conversations with emotional awareness and intelligence.

So we have tension in our communication,

When there's a really strong sense of black and white.

So that's,

That's a sign of having,

I would say,

A lower form of consciousness where there's a really strong sense of this is right,

And that's wrong.

And there's no room for interpretation or communication.

And when you have that kind of scenario,

It's one person's wrong and one person's right.

And that really doesn't make for a connected conversation.

So the ability to be tolerant and to really open up and have the space to open up to people who have different perspective and opinion and beliefs and perceptions than you is a key to emotional maturity and intelligence,

Just your willingness to have space for somebody that's completely different from you.

And your willingness to be open to them and stay open to them and to listen to them.

And to have a conversation is a high mark of having emotional maturity.

So the willingness to accept other people that are different.

That's kind of what we work towards,

You know,

For really in our meditation practice,

We're opening that space of consciousness to allow for everyone and all to exist without constantly making certain people wrong,

Or targeting people or polarizing people or blaming people that were actually able to be a space of awareness and presence for anybody.

So even if,

You know,

Always stay safe and have your healthy boundaries,

But your willingness to have differing perspectives without just grinding your teeth and having to stay silent or bite your tongue,

You know that there is a grace that's there that you can have.

So here are some steps like let's say that you get triggered and you're really upset by someone and what they've said or what they've done or what they might have inadvertently done to upset you.

So someone's action or non action speech or non speech has upset you and now you're having an emotional reaction to that experience.

So I think the first thing to do is to just say,

You know,

This brought something up for me.

Is it okay if we talk about it and to set aside a time to speak about it in person or on the phone?

That means do not text and do not email about your grievances with another person because there is so much that can be miscommunicated and you really can't hear someone's voice when you're talking about something hard.

So it's really easy to take something as harsh or negative or as criticism when you're communicating by text and email and you do lose that personal connection.

So setting aside a time that works for both of you to speak either on the phone or in person is the best way to have an emotionally mature conversation about something that's hard.

So that's number one and when you have that conversation try to have it within 24 to 48 hours meaning don't have it right away because you're still probably in reaction mode but wait till you've calmed down and the energy has drained out and you feel more settled before having that conversation but don't wait so long that now that conversation turns into silence and silence turns into a way to avoid or not have that conversation anymore or maybe feel you know that relationship isn't as important to you.

Whatever beliefs that form after that you want to kind of have a length of time but not too much time to allow it to stray away especially if it's important if something's come up that you really want to talk about.

So that's the first thing.

The second thing is to be willing to listen to the other person without judgment,

Without defensiveness,

Without talking and having to over explain but really provide that space of listening to the other person.

So that's the second thing and after you listen and hopefully from a place by staying really in your body and anchored in your body the third step is to repeat what you heard that person say to just repeat what you heard was important and to ask and confirm did I hear you right because in emotionally mature conversations we are willing to hear and see each other.

That's the key is to see,

Hear and feel each other because we're all one we're all connected.

So that's the third thing and that really shows positive intent that you're willing to understand and to empathize with the other person that has brought up some really important things.

Okay and the fourth step is to express your truth fully but with calm and without criticism and without negativity and without blame.

So expressing yourself and expressing yourself fully calmly you know just staying grounded you know feel yourself connected to the earth being grounded feeling that support from the earth without the need to project or to make somebody else wrong but just to share yourself freely and openly and you might even start the conversation with look I'm just going to tell you what was true for me I don't want you to take this personally or as an attack I just want you to know what really came up for me in this so you could even set the tone before you share.

And then step number five is after you've both really heard each other hopefully you've had this conversation in exchange and it's dispelled any negative energy or miscommunication or hard feelings and the fifth step is to take time to agree on what you can both do to do better next time.

You have an agreement you know maybe next time I need to really confirm that with you or I'm willing to communicate better because I understand that this is what you need.

So it's about listening and then having the willingness to meet the needs and or desires of the other person and what works for the other person.

So some of us we might be more flighty by nature and carefree and others of us are more you know we need to know what's going to happen when it's going to happen you know and and learning how to communicate and know each other and go with each other's flow is key to having those harmonies.

So both have an agreement on what you'd like to do to have a better situation or relationship going forward.

All right and number six the step is to share love and appreciation in that conversation with each other you know and it's not like you're going through the steps but just to remember you know be sure to share with each other what you can do to help each other and what you can do to share what you appreciate about the other person.

I know when I have these hard conversations I'll say thank you so much just for listening and being open I appreciate that you're open to speaking about these things and just the willingness to share your love and appreciation for the other person is really meaningful because it helps to repair that bond of you know mis miscommunication is just sharing that genuine if it's genuine for you that love and communication.

And then lastly agree to spend time together after that you know agree to have your next connection or you know be sure to follow up so that the energy can continue to flow into a connection into a relationship you know think of something that would be fun or inspiring that you could share with the other person and don't wait too long to do that just you know be willing to ask and I wanted to mention too that there are some qualities you know like I said before the quality of being able to accept people who are different who speak differently who communicate differently to have space for people and to have presence that are different from you that's the only way we can come to real healing on any level in our interpersonal relationships but also as a collective so for example with racism when collectively let's say black people are willing to speak to white people and white people are really willing to listen and have that conversation without feeling attacked or without taking it personally or without that sense of fragility whatever that might be on both sides of any relationship that you're willing to have these conversations conversations without blowing up and making it all about what it means about your ego and who you are but you're actually just being there as a presence to really listen to what's true for the other person and that it's true that many different realities and perspectives can exist but real healing cannot happen unless we're willing to communicate and converse with each other honestly and that happens when we are being seen and we are being heard and we're being felt so a few more other points is to yeah refrain from any blame any criticism negativity be willing to be open and vulnerable authentic about what really happened for you and speak from that place and don't take too much responsibility if somebody has a negative reaction to what you're saying then you sometimes you got to let that happen too which is being accepting of people's true response and reaction to your truth and then detach from any outcomes or expectations so you know you have to go in saying this has to be all roses and peaches and all the things that you're saying is all roses and peachy and you know awesome after like detach from the outcome you can have a positive intention of i'd like to have a healing conversation a mature conversation with this person but release yourself from any outcome of what that has to look like because a lot of times relationships just need to grow and evolve in their own way as we continue to share what we are so let let it be organic whatever that process is releasing from any outcome and commit to changes in actions and behaviors to meet the needs and intentions of others while also honoring your own needs and intentions so you know have an agreement about okay this works for me that works for me you know whether you're in a partnership or a relationship just agreeing let's do it like this you know if we're gonna go watch a sporting event you know would you be willing to come with me to take a hike in nature you know and and just have committed things that you're willing to do for each other to meet each other halfway without compromising your own needs and what you really want so just remember some of these key points when you are connecting with loved ones with strangers acquaintances co-workers whoever it might be whenever you're having that emotional reaction this is one of the ways that you can start to approach that conversation because conversations are healing and there's tension and relationships and relationships whenever there's an unspoken truth or feeling that exists between two people or even in a group so if there's an unspoken truth or feeling that isn't allowed to come out that isn't allowed to be expressed then that tension can exist and hopefully we all learn through meditation through these practices to feel safe and secure enough in ourselves to express ourselves and to connect and communicate with people and it takes willingness it takes humility it takes that maturity it just takes that one step of can we talk about this and the willingness to have that conversation all right it was really nice to talk to you i hope to see you soon have a beautiful beautiful sunday and rest of your day lots of love bye