Welcome to the Stuck Stops Here,
A podcast devoted to cycle breakers.
We want to celebrate and empower those who have woken up and decided that toxic,
Generational dysfunction can end with you.
My name is Tammy Atman and I hit rock bottom in 2014.
And during those moments of despair,
I decided change was my only option.
Emotional abuse,
Both covert and overt,
Is contagious and leaves invisible scars.
The next generation deserves better than what we got.
Join me and my amazing co-host and producer,
LW,
As we have raw and real conversations,
Infused with bad words and humor,
Designed to inspire awareness,
Acceptance and strength.
We are not therapists and have no clinical training.
You are not alone.
Healing does not happen in isolation.
Together,
All of us can break the familial chains of shame,
Guilt,
Fear and blame.
Our Stuck can stop here.
Boundaries are a way to take care of ourselves.
It means expressing what affects your comfort levels.
It means learning how and when to say no.
When I set boundaries,
I became less angry and resentful because my needs were getting met and my space was being respected.
Boundaries make our expectations clear so people know what to expect from us and how we want to be treated.
Toxic people will do everything they can to ignore and bulldoze their way through the boundaries we try to set.
They will blame,
Ignore,
Manipulate,
Guilt trip,
Abuse and criticize until you can see.
Let's define toxic people.
Constantly self-centered,
Overly demanding,
Controlling,
Disrespectful,
Entitled,
Angry,
Critical.
They never apologize,
They never listen and exude negative energy.
You are drained after spending any time with them.
As a child of toxic parents,
My boundaries were chronically disrespected,
Leaving me feeling like a caged animal.
Powerless,
Bullied,
Trapped,
Anxious and depressed.
The best tool I used to set boundaries was what I would call gentle disengagement.
Gentle disengagement involved three things I stopped doing and three things I started doing.
The three things I stopped,
Seeking my parents approval,
Trying to please them,
Feeling guilty for saying no.
Three things I started doing,
Being aware and limiting what I shared with them.
I got comfortable with disappointing them and I spent less time with them.
Please allow me to elaborate.
I used to rage really hard against her verbal abuse and covert insults.
That was her controlling me.
By detaching from her chaos,
I stopped fighting back and trying to change her behavior.
When I stopped trying to change her behavior,
I stopped forcing the outcome that I wanted.
Forcing the outcome I wanted was me trying to control her.
Now I take nothing that my toxic parents say or do personally.
I resist their efforts to bring me down.
This feels painfully good.
Responding to boundary violations instead of reacting is another tactic I now use.
My mother used to go through my mail.
I was 30 years old.
I used to get so mad,
React to it and we'd end up arguing.
Looking back on it now,
She enjoyed getting a rise out of me.
As part of moving towards strict low contact,
I hide my mail before she comes over.
Spending less time with them,
I have gone low contact.
And as a result,
I have less crap to avoid or react to.
I can't get mad at something that I am not experiencing.
This may not be for everybody.
The pervasive message behind my family's generational curse demanded that because they are my parents,
I was obligated to remain outside drowning in their toxic super storm instead of inside myself cultivating peace.
My research has uncovered that these toxic family patterns are actually destroying us by ruining the relationships we have with ourselves,
Our significant others and our children.
By staying on this healing journey,
I am choosing not to be destroyed,
Not to be motivated by fear,
Guilt or shame.
When I finally established healthy boundaries,
I no longer felt like an object and no longer allowed myself to be treated like one.
It is both uncomfortable as well as empowering.
Going forward,
I will continue to share links to books and articles that have helped me on my healing journey in the podcast notes.
Today's recommended reading is the book called The Monster Under the Bed,
Written by Kim Fisk.
Call me gravity,
Call me kryptonite.
Call me the reason that you never get it right.
Sometimes I'm a drop,
Most times I'm a tidal wave.
Always right beside you,
Making you my forever slave.
Been around for a long time,
Hope you pass me on.
Hope no one wakes up,
That's when I'll be gone.
Rock bottom scares me,
Darkest light can't shine.
Brave ones fly away,
I'll find another,
Make them mine.
Oh yeah.
Sometimes I'm a fire,
Sometimes I'm a flame.
I will never ever stop,
Don't forget my name.
Been around for a long time,
I hope you pass me on.
Hope no one ever wakes up,
That's when I'll be gone.
So nice to meet you,
You can call me Blaze.
The boys in the young and old,
You all look the same.
Oh yeah,
You all look the same.
Yeah,
Yeah,
You can call me Blaze.
Oh,
You can call me Blaze.
Thanks for watching!
