Relationships As A Mirror Of Your Inner Self

28:28

28:28

Relationships As A Mirror Of Your Inner Self

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talks

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Meditation

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This is another episode of my Youniverse podcast, about relating dynamics. Following up on my episode about Narcissism and Empathy, this episode looks at all relationships as mirrors, helping you to learn ways to avoid becoming the victim and avoid demonising 'the other'.

Meet your Teacher

Bali, Indonesia

Meet your Teacher

Bali, Indonesia

Transcript

So hello and welcome to another universe podcast with me Akasha Love. So I made a recent episode about the narcissist empath dynamic about if you're a really empathic person your tendency to be attracted to a narcissistic person or somebody with narcissistic personality traits. I don't like to label anyone anything so let's just say somebody with those traits somebody with narcissistic personality traits. So in this video which I'll link to so you can have a look at it I spoke about a different approach to healing this within yourself if you identify as the empathic side of this equation. So rather than going into some kind of victim mentality there's an awful lot of content around this theme of narcissism on YouTube and some of it's good some of it's not so good but definitely there's quite a lot of it that if not actively encourages subconsciously let's say might encourage you or push you to the victim perspective so focusing so much on the supposed enemy or the narcissist person with the narcissistic personality traits will just naturally put you in a victim position so as soon as you make anybody your enemy or the perpetrator of some violence against you whether that be emotional whether it be mental whether it be something else as soon as you really focus on them as the perpetrator you put yourself in a victim position now I don't mean to victim shame I'm definitely not doing that and I'm not denying that in some ways you may be a victim of a narcissistic person with narcissistic personality traits but I wanted to make this video just to progress on from that last video I made and make some further points about really the nature of relationships so if we understand all adult relationships as a tool for growth then we can see every single relationship that we are in whether it's a friendship whether it's an acquaintance ship whether it's an intimate or romantic relationship we can understand them all as tools for growth tools for our growth so they're all basically our teachers so every single person that we are in relationship with is our teacher so if we do find ourselves repeatedly or commonly attracted to people who are not reciprocating our feelings so who are perhaps emotionally unavailable who may be manipulative on some level who may be playing games with us games of come here go away I want you I don't want you I'm available I'm not available these kind of games which really wreak havoc with your internal system with your inner self then these people are our teachers and the lesson that somebody like this who might be playing this kind of game whether it's conscious or unconscious the lesson for us is always to go inwards and ask ourselves the question what are we doing in this interaction or in this relationship so if it is a really close relationship like an intimate or romantic relationship we ask ourselves what are we doing why are we there and if we identify that it's mostly painful then we that's our that's our learning in that situation okay this relationship is mostly painful then probably the reason I'm here in this relationship is probably because I have a subconscious belief that close relationships are painful and are difficult and I am not usually met my needs are not met I'm not fully seen and heard it doesn't feel like an easeful companionable safe connection so the lesson there is really well look at what my idea of an intimate relationship is because that probably is your idea of what an intimate relationship is and the indication that your belief is that is that that's what you're experiencing it's that simple really if your belief was different if your belief was perhaps that an intimate relationship is a relationship where you are in a safe connection with a fully grown adult that fully grown adult is loving and is emotionally available and is communicative with you your needs are met their needs are met and if any problems arise people bring it up talk about it in an adult fashion there isn't any game playing it's you're clear about the terms of engagements let's say you're clear why both of you are engaged in this relationship if this was your situation that would mean that your inner belief about relationships is that they are safe they are mutually beneficial and supportive people that you are in intimate relating with are trustworthy people that you relate with so these are all beliefs inner beliefs are safe are healthy are adults that would be your truth because the external is always mirroring our internal universe if you like so if you are in a pattern of getting yourself into unhealthy relating situations whether they are intimate relationships or friendships close friendships that also feel somehow off to you like you're not being fully met that you can't really trust the person that you are in relationship with then this is as I said it's an indication of your inner belief system so instead of going into any kind of a victim spiral because it is a spiral as soon as we go into victimhood we spiral down into a place of fear and separation because it's so easy from that victim place to shut down completely and decide that relationships are dangerous that people are dangerous therefore you need to stay away from them so instead of doing that because we see that that doesn't get us anywhere it's an invitation to go inwards to look at your what you think a good relationship should look and feel like and it's definitely also an invitation to look at your primary relationships so generally that would be the relationships in your family of origin and do a bit of backtracking so in a child work it might be called it might be family systems work you might want to do some gestalt work gestalt is therapy that looks at your whole family system and it looks at you and you're as a part of a system an organization if you like and helps you to see the part that you or the role that you might have played in your family of origin so it's really important to do that to kind of wind back the time line of your life and go back to your childhood because generally this is the time and the place where your subconscious ideas and beliefs about relationships were formed and just remember what it was like what you felt like in your relationships with your primary caregivers and also with your siblings also with perhaps your friends at school with your teachers go back and check in with yourself how you felt in all those different close relationships when you're a child and if you want to really go deep on this project I would write it down so I would get up a journal and write down this is what I felt in my relationship with my mother with my father with my brothers with my sisters with my cousins or whatever so really go deep and write down exactly what your feelings were without any kind of censorship whatsoever and there you will probably be able to see the seeds of some of the patterns that you might have today so if you are if you do have a pattern of being attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable or who are abusive or manipulative or who basically just are not really there for you then just check is there a blueprint let's say of this pattern in your childhood is there something familiar about this feeling that you have in a relationship in the current day relationship with that person so look really closely at that because I would say 99% of cases there will be something familiar and you will see that you have a relationship blueprint which is almost encoded for this reality that you might be experiencing today with someone either it's a friend or an intimate relationship so you have a let's say a kind of a faulty relationship blueprint from your childhood which is just being re-enacted just being recreated relived in your current day relationships so this is a really good way to release yourself from any tendency to become the victim to put yourself in the place of a victim and we have our little Buddha here Buddha is really helpful too in reminding us of this that we are never a victim because one of the important teachings of Buddhism is the law of karma which is basically in a lay person's terms what goes around comes around so everything that we put out in the world comes back to us so for example in this example of intimate or close relationships and finding yourself in destructive or unhealthy relating patterns the law of karma would be that there is that pattern within you probably from your childhood which is being re-enacted now so that's karma coming back karma being revitalized being recreated because you have a faulty blueprint let's say so what to do if you discover that you may have a let's call it a negative relationship blueprint from your childhood which says it might say any level of different things so there's so many different things that this blueprint might have and it's going to be different for every single person but for example it might just be intimate relationships are not fully safe because that person is not really available for me they pretend that they are but they're not really there for me when I really need them they're not really there or it might be something like intimate relationships are not safe because my viewpoint is squashed it's not validated by the other person that other person constantly has to take the upper hand have the upper hand in order for me to be safe in a relationship I need to let somebody have power over me and I need to suppress my own truth so that might be in your blueprint it might be that I need to do what I'm told on some level in order to get and receive the care and the attention that I need I need to behave which might be translated as people pleasing when we are adults we don't really talk about behaving in adult relationships it's more a terminology with parents and children but if that was our childhood blueprint it might translate into a tendency to want to kind of please other people in our adult relationships and a belief that if we don't do this we will be rejected or abandoned so it's really helpful to go and look at these blueprints and look at what you find there so yes this is really empowering work because it means you can come out of that victim dynamic you can come out of the fear so if you perhaps have been in this pattern of attracting narcissistic people with narcissistic tendencies who don't seem to care about you that can be quite scary obviously because if you see you keep attracting the same kind of person and if you have a really strong desire or a present desire to have a partnership with someone which is completely normal and healthy human desire then that might make you afraid of going there again because you see you have this pattern so if you're able to see that instead of being afraid of the person that you might see as narcissistic you see them as your teacher you see them as the mirror for you for you to look at your inner self or you to look at your childhood relationship blueprint and thanks to that mirror that person or those people you can then change that blueprint so we can actually change our subconscious beliefs by there's a few different processes but really it's about inner child work so we need to go back and speak with that child who might have been hurt or damaged in some way by intimate relationships with their family members parents or caregivers or others and we need to have a conversation with the child the child which is still within us at the age that they were at that time so let's say seven years old we need to go back to the seven-year-old within us and explain look it's not that all relationships are unfulfilling or imbalanced or dangerous or unsafe you got that wrong it's just that was just your experience with x y or z person and i'm really sorry that you might have suffered thanks to that experience but it doesn't actually mean that all relationships are like that it just was your experience with that particular person so having that conversation with our inner child we can help them to understand that they have a wrong belief and their wrong belief is based on extrapolating all relationships are necessarily imbalanced or dangerous or unhealthy or abusive because i had this experience with this person so we need to have that child young child in us recognize that that is incorrect that it's not right that it's not even fair to blanket statement all relationships are going to be like this because i had this kind of relating experience with these people so that's the deep inner work that we need to do in order to change our relating blueprints in order to change what we think a relationship should look and feel like and until we do that work i think our patterns will just keep repeating because it's literally just an inner blueprint of a relationship can imagine like a skeleton almost that's within us which is then it's like a seed also which is then being planted when we meet someone that is a possible romantic partner or a possible close friend that blueprint is planning that seed of whatever it is dissatisfaction unhappiness imbalance power plays manipulation gaslighting and a tree of relating will grow based on that blueprint so until we change the blueprint that same relating tree will grow with everybody so it doesn't matter who the person is if you are have this habitual pattern of attracting unavailable people or narcissistic type people they will just keep coming in and keep coming in and that same kind of relationship will keep flowering keep growing until you go back and look at your relating blueprints and do this inner work so in this way we can flip the switch flip the script if you like on making our partners into our enemies or demonizing them in any way instead of this we look at them as our really powerful teachers really powerful mirrors who are showing us what we believe about relationships so we can say thank you to them thank you for really showing me this really clearly that perhaps I believe that in an intimate relationship if I really love and desire someone they are just not there for me or they are intermittent in their presence and their availability and that puts me on a really shaky place where I start to get really scared and I start to retreat and then I start to get angry and then I start to project out and at that person and then they get angry and then they retreat and all of these dynamics start happening so you can say thank you to that person who is actually your teacher thank you for showing me what I really believe and then if that person is on a path of conscious growth and development in their life and these dynamics are already playing out between you there may be an opportunity for healing there there may be an opportunity for you to say hey look I recognize that I'm now starting to project my stuff onto you because I am retreating back to my wounded inner child I'm feeling abandoned I'm feeling rejected I'm feeling unsafe in this connection so my wounded child is getting really angry and is projecting all their anger onto you and I'm sorry about that but that is the reality that I'm dealing with now if you would like to go on this journey continue on this journey with me can we work with this can we dialogue perhaps with my inner child and perhaps with yours and can we see what we can learn from that so if your partner or your close friend is on that same journey is on that same page with you then you may be able to do some really powerful healing work with them on healing your blueprints from childhood with the current adult in your life so that also will facilitate some deep healing with for you if you are able to do that with a loving adult so that's also another path to healing these relating blueprints I think both of these methods would are really useful one or the other doesn't doing the healing with another loving adult doesn't mean that you shouldn't still do your healing alone or with a therapist with your inner child I think both are probably necessary for you to really fully heal these unhealthy relating dynamics so I hope that has been useful for you if you would like to work with me on this subject I am available for sessions in like all them coaching sessions so I am a qualified yoga and meditation teacher and I'm also a Reiki healer and I use all of my skills all of my inner work to look at your to be a facilitator to help you look at your patterns and to help you look at your relating blueprints and I can hold that space for you to have those conversations with your inner child and I can I can really help you do that so if you're interested in that please just contact me ask about a session and we can take it from there I will put my contact details in the information below this video so please do that I would be really honored and grateful to be able to help you in that in this really really important area of life it's just so important that we have healthy relationships and that we are we have the skills and the ability to form healthy relationships as adults because this is just such a foundational part of having a healthy and fulfilling life as an adult so thank you so much for listening lots of love and have a beautiful day.