Building Self-Confidence

Hey,

You're listening to the Inner Colin Podcast with your host,

Anika Spuddin.

Hi everyone and thank you so much for being here and listening to this episode.

I really appreciate your support.

Today I'm going to talk all about self-confidence.

What are some of the main reasons why we don't feel confident and how we can overcome these barriers so you can build your self-confidence from within?

I'll explore self-confidence in a new light,

Different from what we hear on the media.

I'll offer a new perspective that's based on self-acceptance,

My work and experience as a self-acceptance coach with background in psychology and also my personal views.

As usual,

At the end of the episode I'll share with you journal prompts and questions for self-reflection designed to help you.

We hear so much about confidence that I thought of sharing my own interpretation so I hope you find it helpful and spark some insights.

Let's dive in.

So,

What does self-confidence mean?

I would invite you to take a moment to answer this question first because this is what determines your interpretation of this term.

And when you do so,

Now let's have a look at how self-confidence is defined in the media.

When you see a portrait in our modern society and Western culture,

A confident person is presented as someone who's outgoing,

Outspoken,

Conventionally attractive,

Well-dressed,

Well-mannered,

Decisive,

Funny.

These are often the main qualities that we sense being communicated across.

And now another question for you.

Would you consider this to be an example of self-confidence?

And if not,

Why?

When we get a message that this is what self-confidence is supposed to be,

We can't help but believe it because we don't know any differently.

Let's say that you don't know how to ride a bike and then you see everyone around you riding a bike in a way that doesn't work for you because you've tried it many times and it just doesn't seem right.

And so you start to feel that there is something wrong with your abilities to learn the skill because you've never seen any other example of a different method.

If no one showed you or taught you what self-confidence can look like to you personally,

It's completely understandable why you'd struggle to fit in the conventional,

Mainstream and outdated idea of confidence.

Self-confidence is observed,

It's portrayed,

It's modelled and it's taught just like everything else that we've learned growing up.

It's not something we are either born with or without.

It's nurtured and cultivated throughout our lives but starting with our early childhood.

So one of the first reasons why we struggle with self-confidence is because some of us have never been taught how to embrace this quality and how to nurture it.

If your parents or caregivers didn't portray this quality themselves,

You didn't have the chance to observe and learn through behaviour modelling.

And if they didn't take the time to introduce this quality to you by having open conversations about it and showing you different perspectives of what confidence is and how it can look like to you,

Then of course you wouldn't know what it's like to feel confident.

How can you know something without it ever being shown to you?

And because we are all self-taught and curious and adaptable,

We start to pick up on the many cues and messages we receive around us,

Through friends,

Teachers,

Books,

Films and now social media.

These things become our first basis of learning self-confidence.

In here we enter the trap of trying to mirror or perfect something that it's not based on who we are but what other people have decided for us.

I didn't know what self-confidence is.

No one taught me how to be confident and I didn't have the chance to observe it through my parents.

So when I've learned about self-confidence for the first time,

Was observing my classmates in primary school and what the teachers praised and what they deemed to be confident.

So these beliefs became my first idea of what self-confidence looks like and then as an adult I had to redefine it for myself and choose how I want to be perceived and what self-confidence would look like to me personally.

It's also worth exploring the beliefs about self-confidence that our family has.

For example,

Your parents might have associated self-confidence with arrogance or showing off and therefore adding a negative tone to it.

This would then translate into hesitance or even resistance to grow self-confidence within you because your unconscious mind is trying to protect you from being perceived as someone who is arrogant and protect you from being outcast from a family,

Ensuring their continuous approval in your survival.

This is just an example.

It could also be that your family didn't think of self-confidence as a quality that belonged to good people.

And this makes it tricky for us to cultivate something that goes against our conditioning of what a good person is.

So this is something to pay attention to.

I'll include journal prompts at the end of the episode to help you explore this further.

If all we see is this particular type of self-confidence being portrayed and we keep trying to mimic it without results,

We then create this story of lack.

The story that we lack self-confidence that other people seem to have naturally.

And it then becomes this insecurity that we harbour within us.

We might feel ashamed of it,

We might judge ourselves for lacking confidence.

Anytime we are about to experience a challenging situation or encounter a situation outside of our comfort zone,

We start to repeat the same story and we fear our insecurity being seen by others.

We start to overthink our behaviour and worry what would others think of us.

When you do public speaking,

Meet new people or when you go on a date,

You try so hard not to let the other person see your insecurities because we link insecurities with shame.

And shame prompts us to hide and shrink.

It makes us feel like there's something wrong with us.

It questions our self-worth and creates feelings of inadequacy and self-luck.

It's important to stay mindful of the shame you feel around self-confidence because when there is shame,

There is fear and there is resistance.

Make sure you practice overcoming these feelings of shame as they may hinder with your new attempts to redefine self-confidence and nurture it.

I have an episode called Shame,

Self-Acceptance and Worthiness where I talk more about this and I give you practical tips and techniques to try so feel free to check it out.

I believe that confidence is a byproduct of self-acceptance.

When we take the time and put the work into knowing,

Understanding and accepting everything that makes us who we are,

Weaknesses,

Strengths,

Flaws,

We shift our perspective of ourselves.

We start to see ourselves differently,

Not through the lens of conditioning and people's views of us,

But through our own eyes.

This subtle change creates a ripple effect that seeps into every other area of our life.

When we embrace our shortcomings just as much as our accomplishments,

When we embrace our weaknesses just as much as our strengths,

We don't have anything to hide.

We are no longer captivated by shame and self-judgment.

We become free to explore life in a way that's true to us and we let go of the expectations and conditions that have been imposed on us.

This is what helps us grow our self-confidence in a natural way rather than forcing it.

With self-acceptance comes a stronger sense of self-worth and this is what strengthens your confidence.

When you have confidence in yourself,

It becomes reflected in your external world.

You might not have that societal stereotype of confidence,

But it doesn't mean that you can't have self-confidence on your own terms.

There is more than one interpretation of it.

You can decide what self-confidence means to you and start to nurture it on your own time in your own way.

Because this is another reason why we struggle with feeling confident.

It's because we try to copy this one-fold idea of self-confidence and when it doesn't work out for us,

We attach it to our narrative.

We start to define ourselves as not confident,

Insecure and so on.

And having this label is not helping you overcome your barriers.

Because the labels become your identity and when something becomes our identity,

It's so much harder for us to shift it.

So if you want to build your self-confidence,

You first need to explore your stories.

What is the story that you are telling yourself about who you are?

What is the story that you are telling yourself about your insecurities?

What is the story that you are telling yourself about what self-confidence is?

I'm not going to go in detail of how you can do this because I've already created an entire episode on this topic called Releasing your stories of unworthiness and lack where I share with you guidance and walk you through this process.

So I really recommend you listen to it if you're interested.

Once you identify your stories,

You can untangle them and build a new foundation.

This is when you ask yourself,

What does self-confidence mean to me?

Not what it means according to the dictionary or the people around you,

But what do you choose to mean to you?

You are the one who decides this.

You can make self-confidence applicable to you by becoming clear on this simple question.

This will then override all the information you've collected on how self-confidence is defined by others and create the new basis for your own self-confidence to grow and shine through.

If you feel some resistance around this,

I understand.

I know that it may sound a bit simplified to some of you,

But you need to keep in mind that self-confidence is a man-made concept.

People who don't necessarily know better than you have decided long time ago what it should mean for everyone else.

We are not defying a law of nature or physics here.

It's just people like me and you who created this term and this is why you can create your own.

Recognize it in a way that suits you.

If being assertive or outspoken doesn't resonate with your essence and who you are,

Then don't follow this definition.

You can think of confidence as a quality that helps you healthily express your needs and wants and communicate them to others.

It could be about honoring your true self,

Your beliefs and values and making them known even when it's uncomfortable or challenging.

It could be about acknowledging that certain situations are stretching for you and even when you feel afraid,

You can still make it through.

Confidence can be about your individual and unique expression of self-acceptance and allowing yourself to be who you are regardless of what others may think of you.

It could be about choosing how to see yourself and not letting others choose for you.

I personally choose to believe that confidence is our reflection of our self-acceptance and self-worth.

It's how we choose to communicate our needs and wants,

How we choose to live our life and what we send out to the world.

I don't think that it has anything to do with a combination of conventionally accepted set of traits such as being attractive,

Funny,

Loud,

Outspoken and so on.

To me it's not about a description of a particular person that we should all embody in order to feel confident.

You don't have to become loud or funny in order to be self-confident.

You don't have to look or dress in a particular way in order to have strong conviction in who you are as a person,

How you want to be treated,

How you treat others,

What you believe in and what you are here for.

You can be loud,

You can be quiet,

You can be funny,

You can be serious and yet you can be just as confident.

And let's not overlook that as human beings we are not just one or the other of something.

We are not only quiet,

We are not only loud,

We are not only funny and so on.

We can be everything because we are not one-dimensional,

We are not a cartoon version of ourselves.

We don't have to simplify our nature and place labels or restrict ourselves to fit into boxes.

Let's invite in and honor our full expression of self because this is the nature of self-acceptance and this is what I love helping people with.

So I can't talk about self-confidence without mentioning it.

And now it's time for the journal prompts and questions for self-reflection.

I would suggest you grab some pen and paper if you want to write them down.

And let's begin.

What does self-confidence mean to you?

What does self-confidence looks like to you?

How would it feel to be confident?

What is the story that you are telling yourself about what a confident person does?

What is the story that you are telling yourself about who you are?

What does your family believe to be true about self-confidence?

What does your family believe to be true about you?

What examples of self-confidence have you observed growing up in your family and the media?

What examples of self-confidence do you now observe around you?

How could you redefine self-confidence in a way that resonates with who you are?

I really hope that you found this episode helpful.

I hope that it gave you clarity,

Guidance.

Thank you so much for listening and sharing this space with me.

I truly appreciate it.

I appreciate you and I'm already looking forward to seeing you soon.

If you would like to dive deeper into self-acceptance,

I have a free self-acceptance workbook which is full of prompts and exercises and it comes with a bonus journal guide.

You can get them via the link in my bio.

And if you want to overcome unworthiness,

Insecurity,

Shame,

Negative self-talk,

Conditioning,

Self-abandonment and accept all parts of yourself,

My signature one-on-one self-acceptance program rooted in psychology will help you finally feel whole.

Thank you again for being here.

I send you all my love and see you soon.