The Fear Of Love

We want what's true,

But we're so afraid of it because we have to surrender everything we're chasing and everything we're holding on to.

You cannot hold on to the unreal and melt totally into what is real.

And so we fear what is real because it threatens everything that is unreal that we hide behind.

Vulnerability is scary because it's like you have to let go of the world.

Let go of wanting the world to love you and recognize that you're the only one that can do that.

And realize the only reason you want the world to love you is because you're having such a difficult time doing it yourself.

The fear of love.

And if you read the pre-live stream reflections that I posted,

I mentioned there,

And I've mentioned before on this program,

That the more you investigate the things you fear and the things you want or desire,

When you get through all of the stories,

When you get through all the things that you think but don't really know,

And connect with the heart of the matter,

All of these fears that we have melt into a single fear.

And likewise with all of the desires we might have.

They all melt into a single desire.

And in the singularity of these things,

It is the same thing.

What you crave most in this life is also what you fear most in this life.

The one thing that you want most is the one thing that you fear.

Understandably,

Depending where you're coming from,

That can sound like complete nonsense.

And I totally get that.

But if you're a little bit intrigued in understanding how this can all be so much more simple than 10,

000 wants and 10,

000 fears,

And stick around for a little bit,

It might become profoundly obvious.

We need to understand that in my attempt to point to this and to bring clarity,

To shine a light on what is real and true about these fears and these desires,

We have to understand the impossibility of words.

Meaning that a word isn't the something,

In the way that the word tiger is not what I am,

Even though it's my name.

To call the ocean an ocean is not even close to what it is.

But yet,

These names and labels,

They help us communicate together.

They help us play together.

They can help us understand.

But fundamentally,

As it pertains to what is real,

Which is synonymous with what is true,

Words can't go very far.

In such a way that I could say,

The only thing you crave is love,

And the only thing you crave is fear.

Now,

Does that mean the only thing you crave is your idea of what love is?

No.

Your image,

Your fantasy,

Your hope for love?

No.

Do I mean that you're afraid of these ideas?

No.

The word love is pointing to something that touches upon the essence of what you crave,

But the word can't really capture it.

But it feels really close,

Especially for a lot of people,

Especially as you've spent your time in life running around,

Trying to manifest this,

That,

And the other,

Thinking it would solve the problem.

When you get real intimate with yourself,

When you get real honest about your human experience,

In an effort to articulate it,

It might be said that love seems like it's lacking,

Love seems like it's missing.

And that was the thing we were looking for the whole time?

Like,

If only I found the perfect partner,

Then I could feel love?

If only I got the big house,

Then my parents would approve of me?

Slash love me?

If only I had a billion dollars,

I could relax and know that all is well?

And then I could love?

And of course,

None of that really worked.

And it's important to go through all that,

So we see that it doesn't work.

So we see that the thing we're actually searching for,

Beyond all the trinkets and accessories,

At the core of it all,

We're trying to access something on the inside of what we are.

I want to capture this other person,

So I can feel love on the inside.

I want to collect all this money,

So I can feel peace on the inside.

I want to have control over the world,

So I don't ever experience my insecurity on the inside.

Do you see this?

This is what we do,

Understandably.

It's part of the conditioning,

It's what we've been taught.

That the way you get what you really want on the inside,

Is by exerting some sort of control or force over life,

Which is really just a violence,

That says,

Don't be what you are,

Be what I want you to be.

Which is also like saying,

Worship me.

Don't be free.

And it doesn't work.

You see,

We can say we're looking for all these 10,

000 things,

And we can believe it.

If only this,

If only that.

And this and that is an image in my mind,

It's a story,

It's not real.

But yet what I'm craving is something real.

And that realness that I'm trying to get access to,

Is a realness on the inside of what I am.

And likewise,

What we fear,

We can tell 10,

000 stories about it.

But what do you really fear?

It's like blaming other people,

This is fascinating,

This is beautiful.

This is also a little scary.

To see just how much blame doesn't have anywhere to land.

And I've used numerous examples.

For example,

I was in the city today in Lisbon,

And I was catching a train back.

And I got to the train station,

I sat on the bench waiting for the train,

The train never showed up.

And of course,

You know,

I'm trying to get home,

I've got things to do.

And as I'm sitting there,

Realizing that the train is not on time,

I might have to wait another 20-30 minutes for the next train,

It kind of throws off the schedule I had in mind.

I saw the potential for disturbance,

Agitation,

Irritation,

Frustration.

And in all of those stories,

They wanted to blame the train.

They want to say,

I feel disturbed because the train is not doing what I want it to do.

But that's not true.

I feel disturbed because of how I see.

I wonder if you see this with me.

To see the potential reality of believing that if I was disturbed,

It was because of the train,

Not doing what I thought it was going to do,

What I wanted it to do.

And if only the train was on time,

Then I wouldn't be disturbed.

I wouldn't be agitated,

Irritated,

Frustrated,

Stressed,

Anxious.

And so in that can be stories about,

I'm afraid the train might not be on time.

I'm afraid I won't get home in time for my meeting.

And then what will that mean?

Do you see all these stories that we tell about what we're afraid of,

And then project it onto things in the world?

It's like we hide from the fear and give it to others,

Or give it to objects like a train.

I'm afraid and it's your fault.

But there's a deeper fear here.

In my fear of not getting to where I think I'm supposed to be,

I'm afraid I won't get the love I crave in the future.

I won't be able to be who I think I need to be in order to be accepted and approved of.

I'm afraid of the loss of love,

Or the inability to capture love in the future.

I'm afraid that I won't match that image of myself,

The image in which I think if I was that,

Then I would be lovable.

And so we race around anxious,

Scared,

Agitated,

Afraid that we might not match that image.

And people will see what we really are,

Which is someone who has very little control.

Over things.

Or which is someone who doesn't know.

Do you notice this conditioning?

Where,

In a playful way,

Society has told you how you need to be in order to be accepted?

In order to be approved of?

In order to be loved?

In some way or another,

How often did you hear the phrase,

I will love you if.

.

.

And in the psyche,

Since love is what we crave,

We say,

Okay,

I can't be what I am,

I need to be this,

Or I might not get the love I crave.

I can't be interested in what I'm genuinely interested in,

I need to be interested in what you want me to be interested in,

Or else you'll reject me.

I can't live my own life,

I have to live your life.

If I want your approval,

I can't be what I am.

And naturally,

On the other end of that spectrum,

We say to other people,

I will love you if.

.

.

Because we are equally afraid.

Dear train,

I will love you if you're on time,

So I can get to that future I'm so desperately trying to get to.

Dear train,

If you help me maintain the illusion of who I think I am,

Then I'll love you.

Then I'll love you.

Dear world,

Don't disrupt my illusion.

Don't get in the way of where I think I'm going.

Do you know why we put love out into the future like this?

Because we're scared of it.

We like the idea.

We like the fantasy,

And fantasies are always in the future.

It's like we can enjoy it from a distance,

But we don't really want to be taken by love.

And so we find very creative ways to push it away,

To delay it.

Do you know why we're so scared of love?

Because in the presence of real love,

There's nothing more to fix about yourself.

Everything about you is love.

And what do we do in the face of that?

We say,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

I do not look how I'm supposed to look.

Not ready for love.

When I look how I'm supposed to look,

Then we'll do the love thing.

Nope,

Nope,

Nope.

I don't got the important piece of paper that tells the world who I am.

Once I have that,

Then I'll be open to love.

In the presence of love,

Which embraces your totality as you are right now,

There is no more motivation to complete yourself in the future.

That means you have to stand as you are right now and see your wholeness.

But I don't want to look at some of these parts about myself,

Which is why you don't see how beautiful you really are.

Because if you would really look at it,

If you would really see it,

You would see how extraordinarily beautiful you are,

Even in your adorable insanity of being human.

Furthermore,

You ready for this one?

Furthermore,

Furthermore,

If you look at the problematic and violent tendencies,

Habits,

Patterns,

They all stem from a belief in the idea that you are not yet lovable.

And so the solution to all of those things is not to change yourself in the future to match an image.

It's to extend love now and let them transform when they're ready to transform.

But what happens in the face of love,

It's like it takes away our violent struggle to get control over those things rather than just to love those things.

Right?

Because it's like,

Well,

If I just let go of those things,

Right?

Because it's like,

Well,

If I just love what I am,

I might not change.

I might not look how I think I'm supposed to look.

You're right.

You're right.

And if you're still captured by the fantasy that how you look determines your worth and value,

Then maybe you need to exhaust that avenue and see that it doesn't work for yourself.

And finally meet the end of that painful destination where you look back on your life and you say,

Wow,

I wish I would have just loved myself as I am.

Yeah.

Because if I had just loved myself as I am,

I probably would have enjoyed myself,

Which probably would have included just taking care of myself.

How about that?

And it would naturally change and transform and it would naturally change and transform in its own perfect timing.

Part of the journey in life is exploring all of these roads that go nowhere so that we see in some way there's nowhere to go.

What you're looking for,

The one thing you're looking for,

Is already here.

Everything else is simply an illusion that will never become manifest.

It might look like it does,

But that will be the illusion of an illusion becoming manifest.

It will look like it,

For sure.

And part of this illusion,

Just like the illusion of blaming the train,

Thinking it was the train's fault for my inner experience,

There's the illusion that the love I crave is going to come from somebody else,

Which makes perfect sense if you believe in the illusion of blame.

Well,

If somebody else can make me feel shitty,

Then somebody else can make me feel love.

So,

I better go capture someone but see that the train doesn't have the power to make you feel shitty.

See that there is nothing in the world that has the power to make you feel anything.

What you feel,

What you experience on the inside of what you are is in response to how you see.

This is that very,

Very ancient discovery that's been spoken about since the beginning.

Wake up and see what you really are.

We are afraid of love because if love was really here,

We would fall into it and we think we're not ready to fall into it because we haven't yet matched the fantasy of who we think we're supposed to be rather than just being what you are.

With a few moments here before we see if there's any questions,

I also would like to just point out and tie in how this also relates to love being synonymous with what's true,

Where we could say the only thing you crave is what's true and the only thing you fear is what's true.

My goodness,

Maybe this should just be another video,

But we want so much the real.

We want so much to rest in presence.

We want so much to just be what we are.

We want what's true,

But we're so afraid of it because we have to surrender everything we're chasing and everything we're holding on to.

You can't hold on to something in the future and be present right now.

You cannot hold on to the unreal and melt totally into what is real.

And so we fear what is real because it threatens everything that is unreal,

That we hide behind,

That we hold on to,

That we cling to.

And I get it.

Vulnerability is scary because it's like you have to let go of the world.

You have to let go of wanting other people to approve of you and recognize that you're the only one that can do that.

Let go of wanting the world to love you and realize the only reason you want the world to love you is because you're having such a difficult time doing it yourself.

But as you'll find out,

In chasing the world's love,

It's synthetic.

The world's love is,

I'll love you if.

That's not love.

There,

I'll love you if says,

I'll love you if you be what I want you to be.

Which is,

Don't be you.

Which is,

You not loving you.

The world says,

Don't have love for the authenticity and sincerity of your own heart.

Worship me.

And then I'll love you.

That's the game the world is playing.

And you're free to play the game.

I just invite you to ask yourself one really important question.

How's that going?

If you want somebody else to accept you,

You have to reject yourself.

And again,

You're free.

You're free.

It's not you should or you shouldn't.

It's not what's right,

It's what's wrong.

It's you're free,

But what's true?

If you want somebody else to approve of you,

To love you,

To like you,

To validate you,

You're essentially saying,

Okay,

I can't be what I am.

I need to be what they want me to be.

So I'll reject myself in order to get their approval.

How's it going?

Okay,

Let's do some questions.

Clay says,

What I wonder is what love is actually.

Feeling,

Sensation,

Relationship,

That sense of all rightness.

Well,

This is a beautiful question,

Clay,

Because I can't tell you.

Because everything I say,

It's not that.

Which points to just a stillness and openness to let it touch you.

Right?

It's kind of like asking,

What is life,

Really?

And everything I say about it is to just take a photograph and show you the photograph.

And the photograph isn't life.

Or we say,

What does a sunset look like?

And I show you a photo of a sunset.

Is that a sunset?

No.

It's a photo.

It's not the real thing.

And that's what words are.

They're images.

They're so far removed from the reality.

So far removed.

The images aren't even alive.

And the sunset is vibrantly alive.

Life is vibrantly alive.

But as human beings,

We become so accustomed to living with a worship for images.

Which is,

Again,

Something talked about all throughout time from a spiritual context.

Worshiping images,

Which is really worshiping thought.

Worshiping our ideas,

Our constructs,

Our labels,

Our ideologies,

Our dogmas.

Worshiping mental content as if it's reality.

It is not.

And so what is it really?

I don't know,

But I love you.

I don't know,

But I love you.

Not some thing.

It's everything.

Which is interesting because the moment you look for it,

You miss it.

Because looking for it implies that it's not here.

And where do you go looking for it?

You go looking for it in the imagination.

And you find ideas like,

Oh,

It's this or it's that.

But it's cute.

The simple act of looking for it implies that it's not here right now.

Which is why the invitation is to be still and know.

Don't look.

Don't seek.

Don't try and find.

Be still.

V2 says,

I tend to worship your content when things feel challenging.

I listen to one of your sessions.

Especially,

Nothing is Happening,

And I feel aware again.

That's beautiful.

Isn't that a popular one?

Relax.

Nothing is happening.

That was a recording of a live in-person event.

I think.

Actually,

No.

It was a live video.

But yeah,

It was really good.

That's a great one to just put on and be like,

Oh,

Shit.

We get lost in this world that we imagine to be happening that's not happening at all.

We get lost in this character that we imagine ourselves to be that we're not at all.

It's fascinating.

It's beautifully fascinating.

And from life's perspective,

There's just no judgment about it whatsoever.

Life's just like,

Yeah,

It's pretty crazy,

Huh?

You're so welcome,

V.

Says,

Thank you for this series of sessions.

I've been in tears many times.

Sure you know why.

Yeah.

Yeah,

I know why.

Because you're beautiful,

And you just have a hard time seeing it.

Welcome to the club.

Welcome to the club of being human.

All right.

Guided meditation time.

And I love how these get to be spontaneous.

There's been a few,

I think,

Two or three guided meditations out of the hundreds that I've done,

Recorded,

That I wrote out beforehand just to play.

And just like these talks,

They're just spontaneous.

And I love it.

I mean,

Don't get me wrong.

It can be fun to write things out and play them.

But I really love just the spontaneous nature.

Let's see what comes from the moment.

This moment.

Just this.

Just this.

Let's just be here together.

Recognizing a gratitude.

For this.

For that.

And everything in between.

This moment.

Totally.

Completely.

Here,

Right now.

We can gently acknowledge that,

Yeah,

We're scared sometimes.

We get scared sometimes.

Maybe we're scared right now.

But let us recognize that in this space.

In this moment.

It's completely allowed to be scared.

Will you recognize this for me?

That life is not afraid.

Have you been afraid?

Notice how this moment holds you.

In your fear.

No demand.

No expectation.

It's okay to be as I am.

And like all things,

It will change.

And like most things,

If not all things,

It will change not when you want it to,

But when it's time.

And I know that can be scary.

But here you are,

Right now.

A life lived thus far.

You made it.

Life held you.

The entire time.

And you're not afraid.

The entire time.

You're gonna make it again.

This time,

How about we relax a little bit more?

Trust a little bit more.

Maybe life knows what it's doing.

To bring you home.

To what it is you're really looking for.

And letting everything that is unreal.

Slowly melt away.

And naturally,

If you're holding on to it,

As it melts away,

It's gonna feel like it's being ripped away from you.

But it's not.

It just no longer serves.

Release your grip.

Come home to the reality.

And the truth of what you are.

Let's take three big deep breaths.

And just appreciate whatever it is we can appreciate.

And then we will continue on in our evening or day.

With the spirit of love in play.

Let's breathe.

Thank you for meditating with me today.