What Is 'Pinch Me' Love? Episode 3

Welcome to the Stop Chasing Unavailable Guys podcast where I teach single women over 40 the fastest path to find Mr.

Right so you can stop wasting time on emotionally unavailable guys.

I'm your host,

Truly Eleanor,

And I'm here to give you the tools to find the love you desire.

After years of coaching women worldwide and breaking my own patterns to find Mr.

Right in my 40s,

I know love is closer than you think.

Let's get started.

Welcome,

I'm so glad you're here and I'm very excited about today's episode.

We're going to be talking about what I call pinch me love.

It's all well and good to know what you're not supposed to be doing and what you're not looking for,

But sometimes we forget to actually define and figure out what we do want.

And that's the best way to focus on what you're looking for is to really figure out what kind of love am I looking for?

I call it pinch me love and we're going to dive into some examples and my own story and what I define pinch me love as so that you can really get a handle on what you are looking for.

This is a very important step in finding love,

Especially after 40 because you might have some really confusing experiences that you're like,

I don't really know what I'm looking for right now.

So if you have a pen and paper or if you want to take notes,

This would be a really great time to go and grab something and do that.

The first thing I'm going to talk about is what is pinch me love and why do I call it that?

I thought the best way to do that is to actually read some parts of emails that I've been sent from clients that I've worked with and how they describe the relationship that they have found through working with me so that you can really get into this.

First example is from a woman who emailed me and said,

I've been seeing someone and the positive regard and feeling between us feels so different from most of the relationships I have had in the past.

I think before I subconsciously believed that all relationships were inherently difficult and imbalanced.

This feels different.

I feel safe,

Confident,

And we're enjoying getting to know each other better.

I don't know where this will go,

But I feel that I'm connected to myself in a deeper self loving way,

Which feels really empowering.

And I think this new version of me will continue to expand and grow.

What a beautiful email and a beautiful example of what we're trying to define today.

If you feel into that and think,

Wouldn't I love to feel empowered and safe and confident?

That would be amazing.

Another email I've received says,

I've been wanting to connect with you and let you know what's happened in my life.

I had a Facebook messenger message,

Which by the way,

I rarely check from a classmate of mine stating he doesn't hear much from our classmates and asking if I would like to go to dinner.

I messaged back and told him,

Yes,

We met for dinner later that week at a restaurant of my choice with an outdoor patio.

Before we left the restaurant,

He said he would like to see me again and we planned another date for Friday evening.

We spent a year reconnecting and discovering that we really clicked with each other.

He asked me to marry him in December of 2020 and we were married on June 19th,

2021.

Every day we share a great happiness together.

I am brimming with gratitude.

My life has expanded.

Someone asked me if I had one word to describe my relationship with my husband.

I responded with the word ease.

Everything with him has been easy.

Very different from the relationship I had with the man I was married to for nearly 30 years.

The word I chose for the new year was restore.

God is restoring much of what was gone from my life.

So thank you,

Eleanor.

What a beautiful email.

I'm actually getting goosebumps from reading that because you can really feel what she's experiencing and how she noticed how different it is from her previous relationships.

And that's what we really want to do here.

We want to find and create an experience,

A totally different world,

A whole new world of love.

And this is what I call the pinch me love.

It's so exciting.

Now I want to give you some examples from my own life and I call it married life now after being single into my forties.

So here's some examples I've written down as well.

I feel excited to hear my husband coming through the door after work.

I can't wait to see him if I've been away for the afternoon.

The most time we've spent apart has been one week in the last six years and it felt like an eternity.

We regularly fall into a fit of laughter until tears roll down our faces.

The silent laugh where you can't even speak and you're laughing so hard and you don't even know what set you off.

We have a plethora of inside jokes,

Secret code words,

And knowing winks.

I can cry for what I feel is a silly reason or I'm feeling insecure about it,

But he validates it and says,

You just have a buildup of emotions.

And the vibe is that it is okay.

I don't even have to have a reason.

If I feel like I just want to release some emotions and I feel like I have to cry,

I can do that in front of him.

And I'll tell you now that my whole life I had not experienced that kind of emotional safety.

I can tell my husband when I feel angry and it's okay and vice versa.

That's another beautiful example of the emotional safety that I have access to now with my husband and that I provide him that same space.

I can tell my husband what I need to feel safe,

Seen,

And held and it's okay.

And we're a work in progress.

So as I read through this,

I want you to know that it's not that this is some Hallmark movie and we're just skipping through the daisies 24 hours a day and we're like,

We do fight,

We do argue,

We do have moments of stress and tension.

But the difference is that we have a space to work through it,

That we both are here and committed and showing up fully.

We're dedicated to each other so that we're willing to do the work.

We're willing to say,

This is really hard.

I'm really upset.

I'm really hurt.

I don't see the solution and I don't know how we're going to work through this.

And just be in that space of uncertainty and feel safe to be in that space with each other.

And I can tell you over the years that we've both been in those spaces where we've said,

I don't really know how to explain how I feel.

I don't know what's wrong and I'm not sure where to even start.

And that's a conversation that we've had,

Both of us.

And the difference is that there is that space to find the solution.

We have the patience,

We have the empathy,

We have the willingness,

The dedication to each other to work through it because we want to work through it.

And I'm not saying that we don't get upset and that we don't have moments where we need our own space,

But the overall feeling is that we want to work through it.

So some things we love to do together,

We love to cook together and for each other.

So I bake,

I love baking and I used to be a holistic nutritionist.

I think I said that in the first episode.

I love baking healthy desserts and authentic Italian or Croatian meals.

And he creates these elaborate gourmet meals with amazing presentation.

I don't have the patience for the presentation.

I can't do,

It doesn't look good,

It tastes good,

But it doesn't look good.

He loves to do the whole thing,

The presentation.

So we really get a lot of joy out of showing our love in that way for each other and to each other.

I make sure he wears a coat and brings an umbrella when he goes outside because he loves to wear shorts and a t-shirt no matter what.

And I'm sure he'd go out in a snowstorm and say,

That's okay,

I'm warm enough.

And I'm like,

No,

I think you need a coat.

He offers to buy me tampons when I need them.

He's not embarrassed about,

Or he doesn't shy away from my needs as a woman.

He's very supportive in anything that I'm going through with my body,

With physical issues that I have.

And he just creates that space of empathy and understanding.

And he tries to understand what I'm going through so that I feel held and supported in every single way.

And he's consistently and constantly doing that for me still after all of these years.

And it's not just like the honeymoon period.

That's the other thing I really want you to take away is,

Yes,

We did have a honeymoon period,

But this is the long lasting sustainable years where I'm not saying we've been together for 20 years yet,

But it is a significant number of years where we have continued to show up for each other like this.

So this is not,

What I'm telling you is not the honeymoon period.

This is past the honeymoon period.

And so our disagreements,

As I said,

Is a reality of course,

But we have that commitment and motivation to keep the peace and listen to each other respectfully,

Even if we need to take a beat and calm down.

And of course I've made mistakes and I've said things and I'm like,

Oh,

I wish I hadn't been so upset.

And I've learned about myself and I've learned more about my triggers.

And again,

I feel safe within our container,

Within our marriage to learn about myself that way,

To apologize,

To show up better the next time,

To become a better person.

That's really what it is.

Our container is like,

We're ready to become a better person every day and whatever that takes.

I want to say on the other side of that as well,

We aren't like constantly working on ourselves.

We're not constantly working on the marriage.

It's not like a,

You know,

I've heard some people explain or describe their relationship as this,

We're always working on this and we're always doing that.

And I feel that's exhausting.

I wouldn't describe that as pinch me love.

I would say pinch me love is more,

You have this beautiful feeling of ease,

Like the one client was saying in the email,

That feeling of ease,

Of deep self-loving empowerment where you're able to relax,

You're able to relax into the relationship,

Into the marriage and to let go.

Just feel the space of that feel the,

Just almost like your shoulders dropping.

When I say that,

When you're able to actually relax and exhale and be your messy,

Silly,

Crazy self or be yourself in whatever way that you are showing up in a true,

Authentic way and not to have to like constantly be on the hamster wheel of embeddement.

I don't even know if that's a word,

But self-improvement hamster wheel.

I'm not talking about that.

I'm saying it's like a come as you are party.

You are showing up as yourself,

You make mistakes,

You have a good time,

You go back to something else,

You say,

Oh,

This is something we should work on and then communicate and just get back into the vibe of things and doing it like that.

But not being on almost a sense of panicking.

Like if we don't work on this,

Everything's going to fall apart.

I don't feel like that would be,

Would fall into an example of pinch me love.

I feel like pinch me love is being able to be yourself,

Be your true self.

And so continuing on with what I was saying,

We've had dilemmas when it wasn't clear what the solution was and it felt really painful and heartbreaking.

So we've been through some terrible things and had to navigate heartbreak and some painful circumstances.

And again,

We've done that with the empathy,

With the care,

With the willingness,

With the openness,

With holding each other and helping each other through it to find the solution.

And that's the difference.

It's not that life doesn't happen or that you are skipping through the daisies or it's a Disney Hallmark movie or whatever.

This is reality.

This is,

I'd say,

Hashtag in real life.

This is for real.

And you get to also have that ease,

That feeling of,

The other way I would describe it is better than I could have imagined.

I've had a client describe her relationship that she found with working with me.

And she says it's better than she could have ever imagined.

So that's another beautiful way to describe.

It's like your mind can capture a little bit of an idea or a notion based on what you've seen in the world or on movies or rom-coms or whatever it might be.

And the other version of that or really getting into that transformative experience is being open to,

Maybe my mind can't even capture what I'm going to experience and I'm going to open my heart and move into my heart space and open up to the possibility of Pinch Me Love.

The possibility of it being better than my mind could make up a scenario of.

Our minds cannot give us that heartfelt experience.

It can only create a mental picture.

It's not going to give you the full experience.

So just being open to the fact that maybe you don't even know what it's going to be like,

But I wanted to give you some ideas today of some of the ways that you could describe or really get into finding out what you truly desire or what you might want to have in your experience,

Because I want you to know what's possible and see that you can have a relationship like this.

Even if you have never had it,

You don't really,

You can't really conceptualize it.

You can't really grasp it.

What is possible?

That's okay.

That's where you surrender and say,

I am open and willing to find something better than I ever thought possible.

I hope that this has been an inspiring episode today,

And I hope that you can take away some ideas or some concepts and move that into your body,

Into your heart and feel into what are some of the feelings,

Emotions,

And experiences you would love to have.

Spending some time in a meditative space,

Thinking and feeling and listening to how I was describing my relationship and some of the beautiful emails and descriptions I have received from my clients over the years.

And I hope that you can take away a really nice,

Beautiful,

I wouldn't say a fantasy,

But something that you can start to imagine and feel into on your Shiro's love journey,

On your love quest.

And I hope to see you next time,

And hopefully this has been helpful today.

And I can't wait to join you on the next episode.

And remember,

Love is closer than you think.