Parentification: When Children Take On Adult Roles

Hi unique learner and welcome to this recording of understanding parentification when children take on adult roles.

Please bear with me,

This is a live recording so you might hear some background noise and referring to my InsightTimer profile.

In this session we will explore what parentification is,

We divide it into instrumental and emotional parentification.

I will give you a couple of examples and then we will do a quiz.

So either have pen and paper ready,

Answer the questions in your head and pause the recording if you need to.

This is just a quiz to see whether or not you suffer from parentification and if this is instrumental,

Emotional or not at all.

And this is a quiz mainly for explorative purposes,

So really to dive into this subject.

This is not a therapeutic intervention.

I will talk about the impacts of adulthood and parentification and give a couple of tips for setting boundaries and healing.

But I won't go into depth today in that area.

So please enjoy listening to the live recording and hopefully you will learn more about parentification.

And today I want to dive into the topic of parentification.

If you ever felt like you had to grow up too fast,

Take care of your parents emotionally or physically or carry responsibilities far beyond your years,

You may have experienced parentification.

So what is parentification?

If we define it,

It is when a child is placed,

This can be either consciously or unconsciously,

In a caregiving role that surpasses what is appropriate for their developmental stage.

So this can manifest in two ways.

The first one is the instrumental parentification.

So when a child takes on practical responsibilities such as cooking,

Cleaning,

Looking after siblings,

Often due to a parent's absence or inability to fulfill their role.

Emotional parentification is when a child becomes their parent's emotional support system,

Acting like a therapist,

A confident mediator in adult conflicts.

Now let's dive into the instrumental one.

So while responsibility can be a positive trait,

Being forced into these roles is too early and can have a lasting effect.

The responsibility should be age appropriate.

So I gave the example of my son is two,

He needs to put his toys back in his toy box and even though he says no,

This is an age appropriate responsibility.

Of course,

It's not appropriate that I demand him to clean his table,

To do dishes,

Because of course he cannot even do that.

Another example,

For example,

Between the ages of five and seven,

It's appropriate that you have to make your bed,

Clear the table after a meal,

Sweep once in a while,

But it is not expected that you should feed your baby sister,

Cook all the food all the time,

Go out and do groceries on your own.

And perhaps when you're 12,

It is a good responsibility to learn how to cook and take out the trash,

For example,

And babysitting your younger siblings,

But there should be a line and your parents should be the first caregivers,

Not you as a sibling.

So parents should be the first to watch.

And I think if you are here online listening,

You already feel that it didn't go that way.

I will give you an example in my case,

And this is about the emotional parentification.

My mom used to complain about my dad and everything he did wrong to me.

My dad used to complain about my mom and everything she did wrong to me.

And I was their confidant.

And guess what happened?

I lost respect for the both of them.

And I didn't see a healthy relationship growing up and I got placed between them.

And I have,

For those who are listening,

They cannot see it,

But I have pawns.

And in family constellations,

You have first a father,

You have a mother,

And then afterwards comes their child,

Their first child.

So for example,

If you have a sibling who is younger,

The sibling should be at the end.

There should be an order.

Let's say you are the oldest child,

You need to be after your parents.

But what happens with parentification?

You could be placed,

In my case,

Between the parents.

And then the other siblings,

They go away.

And what happens?

They are not looking at each other,

They are not working together,

And you,

As a small child,

Take on all the responsibilities,

Which they shouldn't be at their age.

Now what are the effects on emotional and psychological development?

The weight of parentification doesn't disappear in adulthood,

Unfortunately.

It shows up in subtle or not-so-subtle ways.

For example,

A hyper-independence.

You may struggle to ask for help,

Believing that you have to do everything by yourself.

Chronic guilt and over-responsibility.

You might feel responsible for others' emotions,

Constantly trying to fix or prevent problems.

I knew I had to know all the emotions of my parents,

And I needed to control them and make them happy.

And I was working on their relationship,

Which wasn't my responsibility,

But I took on this role unconsciously.

You might have difficulties with boundaries.

You may not know how to say no,

Or fear of disappointing other people.

You might suffer from emotional suppression.

You find it difficult to identify and express your own emotions,

Because you were just so focused on other people's emotions.

This is why I do a lot of emotional regulation here on Insight Timer,

Because I didn't know my own emotions.

I was also always fixed on fixing the other one's emotions.

And a low self-worth.

Your sense of value may have been tied to how useful or needed you were as a child.

So the next quiz is for information purposes only,

To see if you suffered from instrumental or emotional parentification.

And I have a couple of questions,

Seven.

And please take a minute if you need to,

To answer these.

But perhaps you already heard a little bit when I talked about emotional or instrumental parentification,

What resonates most with you.

But the first question is,

As a child,

How often did you have to take on responsibilities that were typically for adults?

A.

I had to cook,

Clean and take care of younger siblings on a regular basis.

B.

I was my parents' emotional support,

Comforting them during tough times.

C.

I think I had age-responsible responsibilities,

And I liked tidying my room or doing small chores.

Multiple answers are possible.

And were you expected to put your own needs aside for your family?

A.

Yes,

I often had to miss out on childhood activities to care for my family.

B.

Yes,

I had to prioritize my parents' emotional well-being over my own.

C.

No,

My parents encouraged me to express my needs and set boundaries.

How did your parents handle their emotions?

A.

I really don't know,

I was too busy managing the household.

B.

They relied on me,

Listened to their problems and made them feel better.

C.

They had their own support system and didn't depend on me emotionally.

Question 4.

When you were upset as a child,

How did your parents respond?

A.

They expected me to handle it myself since they were too busy.

B.

They often dismissed my feelings or turned the conversation back to their own struggles.

C.

They comforted me and helped me process my emotions.

How did your role in the family affect your ability to be a child?

A.

I had to grow up too fast because I had so many responsibilities.

B.

I felt like a therapist rather than a child.

C.

I was allowed to be a child and had space to explore,

Play and make mistakes.

Question 6.

If there was a conflict in the family,

What was your role?

A.

I had to step in to fix things like resolving fights,

Making sure everyone was okay.

B.

I was the one my parent vented to about the conflict,

Even if it was about the other parent.

C.

My parents handled their own conflicts and I wasn't responsible for them.

7.

Final question.

How do you feel about taking care of others now as an adult?

A.

I automatically take on responsibilities and struggle to let others care for me.

B.

I feel guilty when I prioritize myself and often feel emotionally drained.

C.

I can care for others without feeling obligated or burned out.

So for the results,

You might have guessed it by now,

But if you mostly had A's,

You might suffer from instrumental parentification.

You were put in a caregiver role,

Handling responsibilities beyond your age,

Such as taking care of siblings,

Managing household duties.

If you mostly had B's,

You suffer from emotional parentification.

So you were treated as an emotional confidant or therapist for your parents,

Often prioritizing their feelings over your own.

You and I might shake hands.

Perhaps you're A and B,

So then you have both sides of the coin.

If you mostly had C's,

There is no parentification.

You had a balanced and healthy childhood with age-appropriate responsibilities.

So I want to do a small exercise regarding recognizing the impact on adulthood.

We just did a little quiz,

And it might settle or you already knew that you suffer from instrumental or emotional parentification.

And I want to take a moment to reflect.

So please sit with a straight spine,

Close your eyes,

And take a deep breath in through the nose,

And two out-breaths.

Deep breath in through the nose,

And two out-breaths.

One more time,

Deep breath in through the nose,

And two out-breaths.

Please give yourself a hug.

Thank yourself for investing in you,

For being here.

Now,

I want you to think about the following questions.

And this is about the now.

Do you often feel exhausted by emotional labor?

Do you struggle to embrace playfulness or relaxation?

Do you feel guilty when prioritizing your own needs?

You are not alone.

If so,

Your inner child may be carrying the burdens of the past.

But here's the good news,

You are not stuck in these patterns.

Healing is possible.

Please let go of your hug.

And we're going to take a deep breath in and release that with a loud out sigh.

And it sounds something like this.

So what can you do?

You can acknowledge your past,

Accept that what you experienced was real.

You had to survive,

But now you can thrive.

And you're going to set boundaries.

Learning to say no,

Protecting your emotional energy.

And they do not make you selfish,

They allow you to reclaim your power.

You're going to reparent yourself,

Give yourself the love and the care you once had for others.

Speak to yourself with kindness,

Meet your own needs and nurture your inner child.

And seek support if you feel like it.

This could be therapy,

Family constellations,

Journaling,

Connecting with others who understand.

And embrace play and joy.

So engage in activities that bring you joy,

Whether that's art,

Dancing,

Nature or simply laughing with friends.

But your inner child deserves it.

It sounds so easy when I list this,

But it's so difficult in practice.

So if you want help with this,

Please check out my Insight Timer profile.

I have many meditations for the inner child.

And if you're interested,

Please let me know and I will make more content about parentification of family constellations.

I'm doing this as a study now.

Let me know if you're interested,

So I can spend more time on this platform around that topic.

And if you want to support me,

You are more than welcome to donate.

So I have the time to do that and have the resources to do that.

Or just follow me on Insight Timer.

So I thank you for being here.

And I want to close this with,

We're not blaming the past.

We're understanding the impact and we want to create a healthier future.

You deserve to feel safe and prioritize yourself and embrace joy without guilt.

And if this resonates with you,

I encourage you to take a small step today.

Whether that's journaling,

Setting a boundary or just allowing yourself to rest without justification.

Thank you for joining me today.

You are worthy of love,

Care and healing.

Until next time,

Take care of yourself.