How To Recover From Being Gaslighted

Hello,

My name is Beatriz,

I'm a Family Constellations Facilitator,

And today I want to speak specifically about what is gaslighting,

And how can you spot it,

And how can you address it,

And what can help you get past it.

So,

When we talk about gaslighting,

It means that when someone else,

Let's say they lie to you and you find out,

And you confront them,

And they immediately dismiss you,

Or they make you feel crazy,

Like they tell you that you're overthinking,

That it's not a big deal,

That it was a little lie,

Or maybe they don't even want to acknowledge it,

And they want to pretend it didn't happen,

And they,

You know,

They tell you that you're the problem,

You know,

Because you're making so much drama,

And et cetera,

Et cetera,

Right?

There's different scenarios that gaslighting can apply.

So,

Gaslighting is something that literally makes people feel like they're crazy,

Because it's a control technique that the other person uses,

It's narcissistic for sure,

And it is a control technique,

A strategy,

To make you feel like you're the problem,

So they don't have to acknowledge,

And they don't have to grow emotionally,

And they don't have to get uncomfortable,

And recognize that they are hurting you,

Because that would mean that they're bad and wrong for them,

Instead of,

Okay,

I have a pattern,

Let me address it,

Let me work on it,

And let me ask for forgiveness,

And say sorry,

Right,

Humbly,

No,

They don't So they use,

They tend to just dismiss,

So they don't have to go through that,

They don't have to get vulnerable,

Uncomfortable,

Or anything like that,

And therefore,

They don't grow emotionally.

So they'd rather just go into avoidance.

So with that being said,

How can you learn to trust yourself and not feel crazy,

Right?

So the way is actually finding support.

A lot of people say,

No,

You know,

You shouldn't need validation from other people,

Hey,

When you've been invalidated as a child,

For a really long time,

By a caregiver,

By a parent,

You need a support group,

Like we need support group,

Or people that we can count on,

And that can validate us,

That can see us,

That can be empathic and compassionate,

So we can learn to do that on our own.

And this takes time,

This can take years,

Actually.

And regardless of that,

We always need support.

So there is actually a lot of women that believe it's not okay to get validation,

And that we should give it to ourselves,

And trust ourselves right away,

Well,

Let me tell you that if there is a history of invalidation of gaslighting by a parent,

By a caregiver,

And it's been ongoing for years and years and years,

Well,

That person is going to likely need validation from someone else in a healthy way.

Someone else that can see them,

Can help them and hold space for them,

And help them grow in a safe way,

In a safe space.

So when they go through this,

They learn to trust themselves.

And when they trust themselves,

Then they don't fall into these dynamics,

Because they just don't fall into that.

They trust themselves,

They trust their intuition,

They trust when someone is actually gaslighting them,

When someone is narcissistic,

When someone does not want to see themselves,

And therefore say sorry,

And recognize that they're hurting,

That someone else is hurting them.

So it's very important to,

The first step is to find support.

Find someone that is committed to this kind of work,

And let them guide you.

And find a group,

You can do both,

You can find a group,

There is actually a group that we have,

I have,

I'm guiding a group twice a week on Insight Timer.

And I also do it one-on-one,

You know,

Whatever feels comfortable to you,

Just make sure that you find support.

We do that in the group sessions on Insight Timer,

Like people share and I support them.

This is very important,

Because people need to understand that they're not crazy.

That following their heart and their intuition is not being overcomplicated and being too much,

Etc.

,

Etc.

,

It's actually standing up for themselves.

And when we have someone else,

A group,

Or just someone else supporting us and seeing us and helping us,

Right,

Resolve these patterns,

Then it makes a huge difference in helping us grow emotionally.

Regardless of what position we're in,

Let's say that the person that is asking for help is the one that is gaslighting and is suffering,

Because highly sensitive people sometimes when they look for help and support in these ways,

It's important for the person to safely help them recognize that someone else is actually hurting them and that they are also in this cycle,

That they're also doing that to someone else without judgment,

Without shaming,

Or anything like that,

Right?

Because that way,

This person can get out of that cycle and free themselves.

So we have all had different kinds of patterns in the past or currently that we haven't recognized and seen,

And this makes it very difficult for people to get out of these painful relationships that they're in,

That they're stuck in,

Because that's the word that I would use,

Stuck in.

So when someone else supports them,

Helps them get out of the cycle,

Helps them see what either they're doing or what someone else is doing to them unconsciously or consciously,

Then that's when the healing comes in.

So if someone asks me,

How can I get out of that cycle?

Like how can I stop attracting gaslighting?

Why does it keep happening?

Well,

The first thing is find support.

It's okay to find support.

It's okay to be validated over and over again,

Especially if you had a narcissistic person around you,

A parent or someone else invalidating you,

Shaming you,

Gaslighting you,

Or whatever over and over and over again for years,

Since this person was a child,

Does it make sense that they would need validation?

They would need someone to be kind,

Supportive,

Loving,

In a safe space and help them get out of this cycle,

Help them heal.

And that's okay.

A lot of people feel like they don't deserve support,

Even unconsciously,

And it's less uncomfortable just pretending that there's nothing happening and that they don't need that support and that they can do it all by themselves.

Well,

Let me tell you,

This is not possible,

But the truth is we need support and this is natural in every human being.

So,

And healthy,

By the way,

So these are the steps.

And then when you learn to trust yourself,

You can start listening to your body's cues,

To the symptoms,

To the feelings that let you know,

Hey,

You're being invalidated.

This person is not seeing you.

Maybe it's not the best place to express yourself and to be vulnerable.

And maybe there is a healthier place to do so,

Healthier places to do so.

So this helps us use our intuition and it guides us to the people or the groups that can see us,

That can validate us,

That can hold space for us and honor us,

Huge.

So with that being said,

Support and self-validation.

Like,

I'm so sorry,

The moment that you feel invalidated and not seen and not honored and that someone's trying to control you in a way that feels so painful and stressful to you,

Well,

That's the moment where you need to start giving yourself self-compassion.

I'm so sorry that you don't feel seen by this person to yourself.

I'm so sorry that this person is not seeing you,

Not honoring you.

I'm so sorry this hurts so much.

I'm so sorry this is stressful to you.

This tends to be a pattern that repeats.

And these people tend to have a history of someone,

A caregiver or a parent,

That did not see them,

That was narcissistic,

That invalidated them.

And then this cycle tends to repeat in relationships.

So when the person actually addresses this,

Gets support,

Starts validating themselves,

Starts repeating to themselves that they trust themselves,

That they trust themselves,

Then this is when everything changes.

And this can take for some people years,

For other people less.

So it depends.

Although the core is learning to trust yourself.

So you can heal.

So you can get past this pain and actually recognize those red flags when someone is actually not honoring you and being sneaky.

So you can take your space from that.

Right?

And be in peace and know how to recognize the spaces where they honor you versus where they don't.

And that might reduce the quantity of friends,

Right?

Because people that don't validate you are not necessarily friends.

So when you start recognizing this,

Well,

Yes,

Your circle may reduce,

Although it's going to be much safer relationships where you can be authentically yourself.

And mind you,

Some people may change,

Right?

Some people may honor you when you express your authenticity and tell them,

Hey,

What's going on?

I don't feel comfortable with this.

You're doing this.

And you show them a mirror of what they're doing.

You confront them and they may change,

Right?

Not to say that it won't be difficult and uncomfortable to them and to you to be in this situation.

Although some people do.

It takes them time,

Just like it takes us time.

Although some people are willing to change and open.

And when they aren't,

Well,

It's our intuition that will guide us and our bodies will let us know if that's a healthy relationship.

Or it's just time to walk away and put ourselves first so we can be in peace,

So we can heal in every way,

And we can attract healthy relationships where they honor us,

Where we feel in peace,

Where we don't feel that someone is constantly trying to control us,

Not honoring us,

Not listening to us.

And on the other hand,

They're actually listening.

And sometimes even when we don't have to talk and they're listening.

And that's wonderful.

Although communication is usually necessary.

Not everybody is at that level of consciousness.

Although when this happens,

When you do this kind of work,

And once again,

It may take time.

So patience is very important.

When this happens,

Well,

In the future,

You start attracting healthy relationships,

Even if it's a few.

They're safe.

You're in peace.

You know you can be yourself,

Express yourself.

And yeah,

With experience,

We start learning what places are not safe.

And that may take us many mistakes until we learn,

Okay,

This is not safe space.

Maybe I can talk about something different if I want to keep this person in my life.

Maybe I can have different conversations.

Maybe I can't and it's time to let go.

You're going to know in your heart what to do.

Trust your heart,

Trust yourself,

Your own decision making process,

Which your intuition will guide and you'll know in your heart,

Like,

Okay,

Maybe I can keep this person,

Maybe not.

Maybe it's time to move on.

And that's okay.

And let ourselves feel the grief of the process,

Which is also healthy,

So we can attract the people that truly honor us and see us.

And even if sometimes they don't,

They're willing to make the effort.

And that makes such a big difference.

And for us to trust someone else different,

I'm going to express something different from most common belief.

For us to trust someone else,

It takes time.

And it takes,

Yeah,

It takes time because it's not about trusting someone right off the bat.

It's about seeing and waiting to see what kind of person they are and if it's a safe space,

Not automatically sharing things and that kind of thing,

Just taking it slowly and gradually and seeing if it's a safe space for us to be ourselves or not.

I hope this helps.

And remember,

Twice a week,

I'll be on Insight Timer,

Guiding live streams and supporting you as much as I can.

And you can express yourself freely.

And I'll do my best to,

Once again,

Support you.

And yeah,

Do my best to make you feel safe and happy in that space.