What I lost when my parents died.
I mean everyone saw on the outside I lost my parents,
My kids lost their grandparents.
But there are things that no one sees that you lose.
I of course was an only child so I had a special relationship with my parents and I had great parents.
I had so many supports in those two people and I loved so much.
So many layers of support that began to unravel.
Just the support of a morning coffee or the knowing that my parents had my back no matter what.
That trust right there's that trust that I'm taking care of and I had that with my parents and when they died wow I just I lost that that trust in life.
I had to gain that back.
I mean of course I lost the things on the outside.
People don't talk often about the friendships you lose.
When you have a death or I had a very I did my parents died seven days apart.
It was during COVID.
There wasn't a lot of support in person and there were some controversial things I had to do and there wasn't always an agreement of what I did.
So I lost family members.
I lost friends partly because I needed space to deal.
I had my own shock and PTSD but also because people don't want to necessarily deal with that style of grief or that type of grief or yeah I don't know how else to say it.
It's not easy when you have a friend who is totally going through it because it opens up all the eyes to what could happen in your life and so loneliness crept in.
Loneliness on many many levels because my parents being alive made everything work for me.
It also allowed me to hide from certain relationships and through their death I can no longer hide and so everything became much more real but I lost my foundation.
I lost I literally lost seven teeth.
My hair three quarters of my hair all happened within that first three months of losing them.
So I lost it on the outside so people saw that right.
I no longer had certain teeth.
I had to get all these implants and my hair was so thin.
So on the outside I lost that like on the outside right but people who knew me saw that well I had a house now and I had other things and I was taken care of but that internal trust and support and foundation was completely wrecked like completely wrecked.
I don't know if you've heard me talk about it but I I was in total shock for five months at least and then I came back out and I had PTSD from the whole situation and it took a year two years even three years just to get back to my body.
I have a whole new relationship with my body now thank goodness and grief gave me that but what people didn't see was my complete breakdown and begging begging my spirit teams my ancestors to come help me because I felt like I didn't have anything on the outside.
I leaned into my art into my writing and it gave me a place to express but I didn't have a way to share it so I was carrying it all and in carrying it all it became very heavy and that loneliness of carrying all of that by myself and parenting three kids and trying to get by became really it was a lot it was a lot.
