Take a moment to locate yourself in your body.
Take a moment to release your breath,
Your shoulders,
Your burdens.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Welcome to a hit of hope.
I recently found out that one of the good people in my life had died.
You know what I mean by good people?
The ones who show up,
Whether that be to help you move or bring you food or shower you with big or small kindnesses,
Or take you in when you have nowhere else to go.
This good woman was the pianist at a country church where I preached for a decade.
She gave my kids Christmas and Easter presents.
She made the best mashed potatoes in the world,
A recipe that my daughter now makes every Thanksgiving.
This woman shone with delight as she played the good old hymns that stick to your ribs like good stew.
I loved this woman.
And you know what?
One time,
I failed to be a good person to her.
A car crash took the lives of her brother,
Sister-in-law,
And nephew.
I was gone when her husband called and left me that message.
I did not call this dear woman back for two days.
I've carried the shame of failing to be there for her when she needed me most ever since it happened.
This begs the question,
If I adored her,
Why did I not call?
Because this moment was the exact thing that had led me to quit seminary almost 30 years ago.
The more I learned about God and God's relationship to evil,
The more I didn't know what I would say about God to people when they had suffered an unspeakable tragedy.
As I saw it,
There were no easy answers,
So I had no idea how I would be able to comfort.
And this was it.
That moment when someone I loved needed me to say something about God to make it better,
And I couldn't do it.
Inhale.
Exhale.
I called this dear woman two days later,
And I must have said something okay,
Because I was asked to perform the funeral for these three people.
And now this woman has died.
And my first reaction is to beat myself up yet again for the way I didn't immediately show up for her when she needed it,
The way so many people have shown up for me in my darkest hours.
Inhale.
Exhale.
I wonder if that has ever happened to you.
You recall a moment from your past,
When your best self didn't show up,
And the teeth inside begin to tear at your beautiful soul.
I did not want to go down that path,
As I have in the past.
So I made the conscious decision to sit with all of this,
To admit to myself,
Yep,
You didn't show up in the best way that time.
As uncomfortable as that fact was,
I sat with it.
I cried.
I stayed there,
Not to punish myself to,
But to fully acknowledge the moment.
I had not done what would have led to the best results in that situation.
And I leaned in to the residue of that.
As I did so,
I was able to move into this realization.
That moment with the church pianist is the exact moment that I decided to show up for people,
Regardless of how hard or awkward,
It might be.
Because I have learned,
It often isn't what you say.
It is just being there that matters.
And then I had another realization.
Do you know what is amazing about the good people in your life?
Not only do they show up for you when you need it,
But they also love you even when you are not your best self.
Good people can see the whole narrative.
They can love the whole self that you are.
The one that is amazing,
Flawed,
Loving,
Fallible,
Which is to say the self that is so human.
I didn't get it right that day.
But I did get a lesson from this woman who was also a teacher.
And it was a lesson that is hard and beautiful,
But one I have carried with me ever since.
One that I will continue to lean into.
Life hurts.
Life is hard.
There is pain and suffering.
And life keeps on going through the good and the bad and back again.
Which means we get opportunity after opportunity to live into one of my favorite mantras.
Begin again.
Fail better.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Namaste.
