Understanding Stress Science To Transform Your Relationships

Hello and welcome to the CalmCast,

A time to feel calm and think clearly.

I'm Clare Downam,

The Queen of Calm,

A Transformational Life Coach.

I was a burnt out head teacher who finally made the journey to calm after years of trying,

And I want to prevent you from having to do the same.

The CalmCast is a series of short explorations gently guiding you back to your natural state,

Which is calm and clarity.

Just listen like you would listen to music,

With an open mind and curiosity.

There's nothing else to do.

Now let's relax into today's episode.

So today,

I'm going to be talking about the science of stress,

Which is going to lead into understanding how that understanding that well can transform your relationships,

Which may seem like a really strange train of thought.

But bear with me with this,

Because I remember when I first saw this,

It really was utterly transformational for my relationships.

And that doesn't mean I am on it all the time,

By the way,

Just so you know,

I'm not calm in all my relationships and I do get wound up about things and I am human.

But I'm OK with that.

And I think that's where the calm comes in.

It's when we can be OK with not being OK,

Because we're not supposed to be OK all the time.

We're human,

Not machines.

So,

Yeah,

Like if you're I was just thinking,

Then if your car sort of doesn't work as you might wish it to,

Then that's a bit of a problem,

Isn't it?

And you want to do something about that because that's a machine and it's got mechanical parts.

And if one of the mechanical parts breaks,

You can fix it and have your car working again.

We're not like that.

We're organic.

We're not machines.

So a little bit,

First of all,

About the kind of what's going on in your body in a really simple way.

And I'm not I'm not I'm not saying I'm a neuroscientist or anybody who has this absolutely not studied this extensively.

I've studied it a little bit.

So a little bit about the science of stress.

So let's let's think about how other mammals are,

Because they're a really good,

Really good thing to look at,

Because we are the same as all the other mammals in terms of how we work internally in terms of stress.

So stress is a response that your body has.

And the purpose of it is to get you out of danger.

So if we think about the gazelle on the savannah,

And I do I do sometimes share a really cool video of a gazelle actually escaping or an antelope,

I can't remember which escaping from a lion,

Which was quite difficult to find because most of the videos of that nature on YouTube really didn't have a very happy ending for the gazelle or the antelope,

Whatever it is.

I think it's a gazelle.

So the gazelle becomes aware that there's a lion and the gazelle then moves very fast and its ability to move very fast away from that lion is helped by the reactions that are happening inside the animal.

And they are reactions because they pretty much happen without,

There's no control of that,

It's just happening.

So the gazelle,

The adrenal glands begin pumping adrenaline,

Cortisol goes into the bloodstream,

That causes more sugar,

Glucose to go into the muscles,

Into the bloodstream,

Into the muscles.

And that means that the gazelle has extra power in its muscles,

It has extra speed.

Sometimes that will mean that the gazelle quickly goes to the toilet because that's making the gazelle lighter.

That is why when people are really,

Really scared,

They go to the toilet,

That is,

It's in order to make you lighter so you can get away.

And that all happens in the gazelle's body and the gazelle gets away from the lion on a good day,

Not so much on a bad day.

But then we don't need to talk about the rest of the gazelle's brood,

It's had a bad day because it's inside the lion.

But if the gazelle gets away,

Because that process has worked,

It's a good thing.

The gazelle then,

Within 15 minutes,

All that system has settled down to quiet again,

You know,

That biological system,

That physiological system is now back to calm.

And the gazelle's fine,

The gazelle sat on the savannah,

Sat on the savannah,

Probably not,

No,

Probably stood on the savannah,

Chomping on the grass again,

And really doesn't have any fear of the lion.

It doesn't have anything going on about the lion.

It's not bothered about the lion,

It's not thinking about the lion,

It's not considering when the next lion might come,

Etc,

Etc.

The gazelle is calm.

And that's because the gazelle doesn't really do thinking like us,

It's not conscious in the same way,

So it doesn't do thinking the same way as us,

It doesn't really have the same reactions that we have.

If that was a human,

Of course,

A human would be thinking about the awful incident with the lion for many,

Many years to come,

Probably,

At least for a very decent period after that,

Overthinking it,

Thinking about it,

Worrying about the next lion coming,

Worrying what would have happened,

Doing the what if,

What if the lion had actually got me and ripped my leg off or whatever,

You know,

Our brain would not be able to just move on and forget about it,

For most of us anyway,

Probably including me.

So,

We can sustain that physiological reaction by thinking about being chased by a lion.

So,

If you sat here and imagined hard enough,

Imagined hard enough,

You know,

Really,

Really imagined being chased by a lion,

Then you could begin to create that reaction in your body,

Just by thinking about it.

And you've experienced that because you've probably had a nightmare and woken up in a sweat with your heart pounding,

And then realised that that was just a nightmare.

And a nightmare really is just thought going awry inside us.

But we sometimes,

Somehow,

We seem to know that,

We seem to know that a nightmare is different,

A nightmare is thought,

And it's not real.

Trouble is,

We don't realise,

We don't realise that all through the day we're having these nightmares,

And we're creating these reactions in our body with thought.

So,

That's how the system's working.

And so,

How is this helpful in our relationships,

You might be thinking?

Well,

It's because it seems,

Doesn't it,

That other people can be really flipping annoying.

You may have noticed,

I'm sure I'm not speaking just about myself when I say that other human beings can be really,

Really annoying,

Or seem to be being very,

Very annoying.

Have you noticed that?

People are going through life doing their thing,

Aren't they?

They think the way they think,

And they do things that make sense to them.

And sometimes we look at that and go,

I'm not sure why you're doing that,

You lunatic.

We really do.

And it really looks like that other person's behaviour,

That other person's way of being in the world is creating a really rubbish experience for us and making us feel a particular way.

Now,

Here's the cool bit,

Because this is what's really cool to see,

That I've just described an incident,

Even if you're feeling angry,

Whatever you're feeling,

That's the same as that fear system,

It's generated inside you.

That anger is probably,

I'm pretty sure anger is adrenaline-fuelled as well,

It's just different.

But when we're feeling upset about somebody else's behaviour,

We look out to them,

Don't we?

It looks like,

Because it's a very persuasive illusion,

It looks like they are making us feel a particular way.

So we want them to stop it.

We need them to be different for us to,

It looks like we need them to be different for us to feel okay.

So here's the bit of science that's helpful here.

The person outside you cannot be putting adrenaline into your system.

They don't have a syringe that's stood next to you,

Whacking in the adrenaline.

There's an internal system at work,

It's not an external system.

Those feelings are generated inside you,

By you,

By your body,

By your system,

Not by the other person.

And even just knowing that little piece of the jigsaw can be really,

Really helpful,

Because we can start to see that if it's not the other person putting that hormone into our bodies,

Making us feel angry,

Then we can start to consider what it might be,

What could it be.

And if you've been listening to me for long enough,

You'll know what it is.

It's our perspective on what they're doing.

It's our state of mind in that moment.

It's our thoughts about it.

It's how we have been conditioned to react to certain types of behaviour.

And I have my things.

I was chatting to my fiancé yesterday morning,

And we were talking about somebody in our lives who is generally not easy.

And for me,

It came down to justice was my thing,

Like fairness.

I don't feel this person is fair.

So when I get caught up in my thinking about how things should be fair,

Well,

Good,

I mean,

It's ridiculous that when I think about it,

Because nothing's fair,

Is it really?

Whatever that even means.

When I get caught up in my thinking about how people are supposed to be fair,

And how fairness looks to me,

What it looks like,

Then I get upset.

I get upset about it,

And I feel terrible,

And I have a rant about it.

But it isn't really that other person.

In fact,

Here's a really cool place to see this.

How many times are you upset and angry about another person's behaviour,

Another person you have a relationship with,

And they're not even there?

That's me.

That's me.

That's me.

This person who I'm talking about,

I hardly ever see them at all.

They're not there.

I mean,

I'm laughing at myself here.

They're not there.

Mostly they're not there.

Mostly I'm talking about their behaviour and winding myself up about it.

But seeing that they're not there,

They're not even there,

So they certainly don't have a syringe of adrenaline and cortisol whacking it in my arm to make me feel anything.

Your feelings are internally generated.

That physiological thing that happens in your body,

No matter whether that's you feeling happy,

Angry,

Sad,

Furious,

Fearful,

Whatever it is,

It's all created biologically inside you.

It's your physiology that is doing that.

And so it can't be coming from another person.

And as Sidney Banks called it,

He called that the missing link.

The connection between us and the outside world is thought.

And he actually wrote a book called The Missing Link,

Which I highly recommend.

Lovely book.

It's 50 years since he began talking about this,

Which is really cool.

This year,

50 years.

I don't know exactly when,

But 50 years this year.

It's a new paradigm.

It's a new way of looking at things.

And I suspect it's going to take a while for it to emerge as the standard way of looking at things.

But it is there.

It is there,

Ready to be seen.

We're already looking in this direction.

So I hope you found that helpful.

I just think there's something about realising there is this line between,

Well,

There is this line of separation,

Perceived separation between us and other people.

We're all one,

Really,

You know.

But then when we're upset and angry with somebody,

It looks like they're separate to us.

So I hope you found that helpful.

Have a lovely day.

It's a bank holiday here,

And probably in lots of other parts of the world where there's generally a Christian background to the country.

So if you are having a day off today,

Please do enjoy it.

Enjoy your time with the people you love,

Who you have a relationship with,

If that's what you're doing today.

And remember this,

Take this with you into today and see,

Just see what you can see about it.

It's really fun to get curious about what you can see.

Take care.

Lots of love.

Thank you so much for listening.

There's nothing to do now,

But bring some awareness to how this is working out in your life.

Listen regularly to experience longer and longer periods of calm.

This has been The Calm Cast with Clare Downam,

Queen of Calm.

Take care and keep listening.