Redefining Failure

As we're finishing out the year today,

According to the Gregorian calendar,

Because there are many New Years that happen all around the world with different cultures,

Different countries,

The one we're celebrating is the Gregorian calendar New Years going into 2023.

This topic of failure has been on my mind recently.

So a lot of times at the end of the year,

Whether it's your birthday year or the new year,

We have this cultural idea that we want to set resolutions,

New goals,

We want to become a new person.

And at the same time,

Many of us,

Myself being one of them,

Think about ways that we have failed or we haven't added,

Measured up to the goals that we had set last year.

And so I've been thinking about what failure is and why we're so hard on ourselves when it comes to perceived failure in life and what if we started redefining failure as something different.

As an embodiment coach,

I have worked with clients on this topic and one of the things we've worked with is sometimes when I'm doing weekly sessions with a client,

At the end of the session we talk about goals or intentions for the upcoming week before we meet again.

And I've had several different clients talk to me and say,

Well what if I don't do it?

I'm afraid I'm not going to do it or then I'm going to fail,

Then I'm going to be discouraged,

And then what?

And one of the things we've talked about or that I've said is when you set an intention or a goal,

The idea is not whether you're going to succeed at it or not.

It's more when we come to see each other again in our next session,

Whether you do it,

Whether you don't,

How much you do it,

Or how little,

It's more information,

It's more data.

As humans,

Somehow culturally we've decided that failure is something that we shouldn't be doing as a human.

Yet every single new skill,

Every single thing that humans have ever done has required failure in order for success to happen.

Failure is the stepping stones to success.

When you think about science,

There is it's failure after failure after failure again until more information and data comes into the experience of the studies,

And the more information we have,

The more we can do things with it.

And yet somehow when we perceive that we have failed,

We make it mean something about our own identity,

We make it mean something about justifying that we should have shame or guilt about something instead of seeing it from a slightly more neutral perspective of,

Oh yes,

This is me being a human,

And this is information.

What if we were to redefine failure as simply more information?

When I fail at something,

What if instead of thinking I failed,

I could see it as something didn't work according to my perception of what was going to happen,

And maybe that's because I don't have enough understanding of this,

Maybe it's because I need more support from outside myself or within myself,

Maybe I need to come at this from a different perspective,

Maybe I need more information or maybe I need to tweak the tool or have a different tool of access.

Many of us,

Especially in the capitalistic society,

We think I just need the magic pill,

I just need to do this one more thing and then I'll be perfect at it.

We want that overnight success with any new thing we try and then when it doesn't happen,

We feel discouraged and we immediately want to quit.

Many times,

Especially with resolutions in behavioral psychology,

It's been shown that the average person sets a resolution for New Year's and by February 15th,

About six weeks after,

They've stopped.

90% of people stop their resolutions after about six weeks.

One of the main reasons we stop a resolution,

We stop a goal,

We stop a new habit,

Is because of failure.

We think we're not going to fail and when we do,

Which is a completely normal human experience,

We make it mean something about ourselves,

We make it think it's too hard and then we give up.

So if we were to redefine failure,

Understanding that any new thing we try,

Any habit we come back to,

No matter how many times we've tried it before,

If we knew failure was going to be a part of the process,

What would be different?

If I prepared for failure in anything I was going to do,

What would be different?

Because most of the time,

We have this very optimistic,

Which is also very unrealistic to our human nature,

That somehow we're not going to fail,

So when we do,

We think we're bad.

If I start a new habit,

And I want to start today,

But I plan for inevitable failure that will happen because I am a regular human on this planet,

When you plan for failure,

You set up greater support for yourself.

You understand that it's going to happen and that allows you to come into a place of expanded compassion for yourself.

It allows you the reality of your human experience.

Every single new skill we have that we try,

We fail first before we succeed,

And we fail over and over and over,

But the thing is,

We think about failure a lot of times in a binary.

I'm either good or bad,

I failed or I succeeded.

Many times,

Our success is on a spectrum.

So at first,

We might fail 10 out of 10 times,

But we can't keep at it,

And we understand failure is going to happen.

Then we fail 9 out of 10 times,

We succeed once,

We fail 9 times.

Then we succeed twice and fail 8 times.

We succeed 3 times,

We fail 7 times.

When we can see it more on a spectrum and understand that this is normal,

It doesn't mean anything about our identity.

It doesn't take away our worth,

Our deserving,

Our infinite potential.

It can turn into a completely different experience.

One of the ways to hold this concept of failure that we've made such a negative thing in our lives,

Even though it's such a normal,

Normal thing and part of every single day,

If we surround the concept of failure with compassion and the experience that this is human,

Then it suddenly doesn't make failure as scary of a thing.

I've recently been doing a lot of talks and training around the idea of boundaries and setting boundaries,

Conflict resolution,

Relationships.

One of the number one things that people have come to me with is,

I'm afraid to set a boundary because I'm going to fail.

I'm going to,

It's going to start a fight,

It's going to start a conflict.

I'm going to fail at it,

So I don't even want to do it.

We have so much fear of failure,

Even in the idea of relationships.

One of the metaphors I've given is when you go,

For example,

If you have never lifted weights in your life and you want to start deadlifting,

You do not go to the gym for the first time and attempt to deadlift 600 pounds because that's just going to guarantee an injury.

You're 100% going to fail if you've never lifted weights in your life.

Yet,

When it comes to something like setting a boundary or setting a new habit or wanting to run,

Start an exercise routine,

Start a diet,

We somehow think we can lift that 600 pounds on day one.

Then when it doesn't happen,

Or we do kind of do it and then the second day it doesn't happen,

We think it means something about who we are.

When it doesn't,

It simply is a new skill that we're trying to work with that we need to take so much smaller increments at a time,

Create so much more support.

If I was going to start deadlifting and my goal was to deadlift 600 pounds,

I would not start at that.

I'd probably start by hiring a personal trainer that knew how to take me through that.

They would most likely say in order to get strong enough to deadlift,

Yes,

We're going to be doing an exercise routine,

But you also need to be getting good sleep,

You need to be eating right,

You have to have a good mindset,

You're going to have to have some level of accountability.

There's so many other factors involved in creating an environment where building a skill to eventually deadlift is going to happen.

Yet,

Somehow we do not translate that same level of understanding and logic to other skills we're trying to build in our life.

So there is someone waiting in line to come up.

Chris,

Welcome to the stage.

You're free to share anything on this topic.

Hello,

Lydia.

Hi,

Chris.

Welcome.

Happy New Year.

How are you doing today on Super Saturday?

Good.

How are you doing?

Oh,

I can't complain.

It's another great day to be alive and another gift,

Not only to receive but to give as well.

Mm-hmm.

So how do we redefine failure?

Well,

Coming to the stage,

What are your thoughts on this topic?

Well,

Let me put it to you this way.

What if failure is not a failure in and of itself?

What if we've actually for probably hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years actually put a negative connotation on it to such an extent we look at a failure as that very detrimental thing that's not going to get us to a place of growth and thriving and probably everything in between because we think it's going to be that negative.

But what if,

Lydia,

It was actually something not only teachable but something it was meant for us to have if we allow that to occur by even creating that environment of one that we want to learn from,

We want to grow from,

And move from in and of itself?

Exactly.

That's one of the things I was just speaking of.

It's part of our human experience that happens every day and we've created such a negative connotation and negative bias around it that somehow we've created fear even though it's a part of our normal human experience.

And so there's so much about this topic that it's funny to me that we even use the word failure because any new skill we have,

We learn even walking when we're babies,

We don't consider it a failure when a baby is crawling or sitting or stumbling.

We just see it as part of the growth and yet as adults,

We see so much of our growth as failure.

And so it's interesting to consider what would happen if we used another word that wasn't negative.

How would our association with growing and learning be different?

Well,

It could be considered a teachable moment,

A learning moment,

Or even better yet,

An opportunity.

And you're absolutely right.

We have done that to our kids for God knows how long that we say,

Oh they're just learning to walk and they're just,

You know,

They're stumbling and flummoxing and all that.

And we go Google over that.

But for us as adults,

You're absolutely right.

We actually flip it around in 180 degrees and say,

Oh no,

You can't,

You can't do that.

That that that that that's a failure.

It's it's not the things that you don't know that it's not going to really get you to where you want to go because you don't know enough or you don't have enough money or you don't have enough whatever.

But see,

Lydia,

I truly believe maybe when we get down to the brass tacks of things,

It's about how we actually view that in and of itself.

It comes from our our our view of the world.

Now,

To add to that,

Can we let go of what we either deem fear to lose or the things that we've been conditioned to believe?

Are we willing to let go of all that,

Whether it be that fear,

Whether it be the outcome,

Whether it be that quote unquote failure?

Are we willing to let it go?

When you say let it go,

What do you mean?

Can you give an example?

Are you willing to let go of fear?

Because I am.

Because what if fear wasn't real?

What if a fear is a natural part of life?

What if fear is something that we have constructed in a construct to such an extent it literally paralyzes us to a certain degree?

Now,

Mind you,

A little fear is good because it keeps us honest,

Keeps us on those toes or anything like that.

I use it like a running bear analogy.

If that running bear is coming to you,

You know that running bear is coming after you.

We got it understood.

Sometimes that height and flight kind of dynamic is ingrained in us.

But what if we can train our thoughts and train our minds and even train our bodies to a certain extent that if that running bear is coming after us,

What if it actually wasn't real in and of itself?

What if that was just a little proverbial construct that we constructed,

Whether to be on our own accord or someone else that's putting that in front of us thinking that that's our reality when in fact it's not.

It's their perception thereof and they're putting that in front of us and we leap right into that.

It's just like when we get stuck in a hole.

Why do we always get in a hole?

Well,

Either I put myself there or I allowed someone else to put ourselves there.

And I truly believe though it's those moments that come into our lives that really matters the most.

It's really all about how you show up to it.

Do you show up to it with a negative kind of context and thinking and saying,

Okay,

I'm on this hole again.

How do I get out of it?

Or do I look at it and say,

Hey,

I'm in this hole.

What can I do to use this as a usable moment and a teachable moment and even make it even better than when I came into it,

Not as a failure,

But a true opportunity to learn and grow and thrive from.

Yeah,

And I would take it as far as what if it wasn't a hole.

It could be anything.

It doesn't really matter.

Because a lot of times we see ourself in a hole,

We see ourself as going backwards.

And we're all trained to have a negativity bias in life.

And that's probably biological for survival reasons.

But one of the things that's helped me a lot when I feel when I have a perception that I have failed is to consider just changing it up and saying what if I didn't fail?

How would I define what just happened if I didn't actually fail?

If this was part of the growth stage,

If this was part of the learning,

Then what?

Now what does it mean?

Because we make so much meaning off of our perception that we have somehow failed at something.

And a lot of times failure is being defined by the society around us.

So part of what I've noticed is part of my own redefining of failure is noticing,

Oh,

That's conditioning.

What if I let go of that conditioning?

And like you said,

Let go of the fear.

What would happen then?

Like what new story,

What new narrative can I create from this experience?

And if I took away this perception that this was a failure,

Then what else could it be?

And even just doing that can make such a difference.

Even if our intellect is like,

What?

No,

This doesn't make any sense.

This isn't realistic.

Sometimes moving into the place of the hypothetical or imagination can shift so much in our own perception,

In a positive way,

You know.

And like you said,

Turn something that might be perceived as failure into seeing it as an opportunity.

Well,

And that's a good way to really look at it,

Lilia.

But think about this,

You can even take it even a step further.

It's like what John C.

Maxwell says in his great book,

Failing Forward.

You want to fail,

If you want to fail at all,

You always want to go forward,

Never backwards.

And if you are going to fail,

You're going to fail in a way that will create that environment for growth potential,

Thriving potential,

Connection potential,

Community potential,

All that will be there because you're willing to create that environment,

Not only for yourself,

But also for others around you.

Because if they can be able to see what you see,

And then you can put it all in the back.

And then you can be able to say,

I can see what you see.

Then it can be in that kind of dynamic of saying,

You know what?

I can really get where Lilia is coming from.

And then by doing that,

You're connecting the dots and creating that environment.

And the next thing you know,

Bing bang boom,

You're going to end up saying,

Oh my gosh,

I was able to see what Lilia sees.

And it's about letting that be for what it is versus what it's not.

Mm-hmm.

If you had any advice to give on this topic,

What would you say to any of the listeners?

Let life happen for you and not to you.

Thank you so much for joining today and sharing your perspective.

Well,

Thank you,

Lilia.

I greatly appreciate it.

Let's talk about this and so much more.

And I truly believe in this.

The next currency or humanity is going to be rooted in value.

And once we bestow that value to people,

Then maybe we can be able to see what.

.

.

Thank you so much,

Chris,

For joining us today on this topic of redefining failure.

If anyone else who's listening wants to join the conversation,

You're free to.

You can also ask any questions in the little bubble at the top of the screen,

And I can answer your questions that way.

I felt like this was an important topic at the end of this year,

Moving into New Year's within a few hours,

Because like I said at the beginning,

So many of us want to set new resolutions and or we might feel pressure from society to set new goals or resolutions.

And sometimes for any of you that feel stressed about that,

What if you just didn't set a new goal or new habit or new resolution and just allowed your life to be exactly what it was right now and continued with the life you're living?

There was no pressure to set a new resolution.

There was no pressure to start a new value or a new habit or a new goal.

And you continued instead to allow yourself to see all the things that you were already doing amazing,

To see all the ways you're taking care of yourself,

To see all the ways you're awesome as a human right now.

And it can be as simple as,

You know what,

I've started smiling at myself in the mirror every day.

Or I started drinking a little more water.

I started adding a little more veggies to my food recently.

It doesn't have to be.

I think there's a lot of pressure in society or capitalism,

All the isms,

To try to be super successful according to someone else's standard.

And what if,

And so so much of our perception of failing comes from outside of ourself.

When I stop comparing myself to others and come into a sense of like knowing what I've gone through as a human,

Knowing how far I have come in my own life,

Again not regarding anyone else around me,

Not regarding what society sees a success or failure,

And I come into my own sense of self and desires and values,

I have so much more to work with than when I'm working with all these outside pressures of comparing myself to other people at my age or what I should be doing according to success at my age and the milestones I should have in money or career or family at this stage in my life.

So many times perceived failure in my life has come from comparing myself to outside sources.

And when I look at my own life without any of those comparisons,

There's so much that I'm proud of.

And many times we look at what we're supposed to be fixing rather than what is already working and how amazing we are and what we're really good at already.

If we were to start noticing that any time we perceive a failure it's actually just our own inner wisdom and intuition saying,

Oh there's more understanding in this area that you can seek,

Oh this is part of the growth process.

It can be transformative and I'm saying this from personal experience.

I'm also saying this from the clients and students I've worked with.

I've worked over the last 15 years with over 13,

000 people in the field of massage,

Bodywork,

Yoga,

Meditation,

Health coaching,

Embodiment coaching,

And somatic education.

And so much of coming back into connection with ourself and coming back into our inner wisdom is kind of saying fuck it to society and fuck it to the systems of oppression around us and the isms and the ableism.

So much of our perceived failure comes from ableism,

Like hands down.

So much of my perceived failure has come from being a neurodivergent human in a society that was created for neurotypicals.

That sounds vague.

If you know those words you probably understand what I'm talking about.

They're newer words that have been defined recently to describe many many people's experience in the world.

So much of society was created for a very narrow percentage of people and everyone else who's a regular human feels like they're ashamed of themselves and they're failing.

And guess what?

We're not.

We're humans.

You're a human having a human experience.

My hope for this concept,

For this talk,

For sharing these thoughts today is for you to maybe come into a little more connection to yourself,

To feel a little more permissive that you can have a human experience and that having a human experience is not wrong.

Having an emotion that you feel is negative is not a wrong emotion,

It is a human emotion.

Having an experience of perceived failure is part of your human experience.

It is part of growth.

It is part of experiencing human life on this planet.

What if we all started taking just a little bit of pressure off ourselves and inviting in a little bit more compassion,

A little bit more building of ourselves up on a regular basis,

Giving ourselves a hug,

Placing our hands on our hearts,

Focusing on taking a few more exhales,

Breathing out with a sigh,

Which relaxes the nervous system.

It calms your heart rate.

Taking time to just take care of yourself just a little bit more today in this moment.

And one of the ways to do that,

Because many of us are like,

How do I take better care of myself?

It's not creating a whole long checklist,

It's sometimes just in a moment,

Just like now,

Saying,

What do I need in this moment that I can do for myself?

How can I take care of myself in this moment right now?

Oh,

I can lie down.

Oh,

I can put on some comedy and so I can laugh right now.

Oh,

I can go ask for a hug from my partner.

Oh,

I can go pet my animal.

Sometimes it's as simple as the tiny,

Tiny moments of noticing what we might need and meeting a need in any given moment.

The next time you feel that there's any perception of failure in your life,

The invitation is to shift the question to,

What if this wasn't a failure?

How would I feel?

What if this wasn't a failure?

What would this be?

What if this feeling of failure was my intuition saying,

I need more support,

I need a different perspective,

I need a little bit more understanding.

I think I've come to the end of my thoughts on this topic.

Hopefully there's something here that sparked a perspective for you that gives you a little more relief,

That maybe inspires you to have some more compassion for yourself or maybe someone else in your life,

That maybe takes the pressure off of needing to set a new resolution for this year or a new goal when you kind of are realizing you don't want to and you'd rather just continue the life you have and move into more compassion and acceptance for yourself more than trying to add more to your life or your to-do list.

I wish you all the desires that you have in your heart.

I wish you your needs being met,

The resources becoming available to you,

Community showing up for you in a way that makes you feel proud to be who you are,

That makes you feel like you have someone,

People to lean on in your life that you can trust,

And you're always free to reach out on any platform I'm on to ask me questions.

If I can point you in the right direction for resources I will do my best to do so.

I appreciate this platform,

I appreciate you listening in,

And I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day.