Life, Lessons, & Laughter - Giving From The Overflow 4-1-21

Hello.

Hello everybody.

Welcome to the live.

Shoot me a little comment.

Let me know you're listening and I'm going to dive right into the topic tonight.

Which I got an email from a listener and it was very,

Very well thought out.

Had some great questions in it and it was great because it gave me a lot of teeth.

You know,

Gave me a lot of things to bite on and do a podcast on.

So that's what I'm going to do.

So I'm going to dive right into it and they didn't make a comment.

I'm not going to mention a name but they didn't make a comment about being anonymous.

So I'm just going to read in on the email and because like I said,

I'm not going to mention a name.

But I think what they're saying in the email is going to be fine.

So they were talking about one of my recent podcasts and it was about giving and how to make sure we feel full ourselves.

And then give from the surplus.

So hang on one sec.

I'm trying to shut those.

You got the pups barking outside.

So yeah,

The email says is talking about giving from the overflow.

So although the listener agrees,

It's not always easy of course.

So specifically getting to a place of feeling full.

I think the main challenge for me personally is getting to that place of fullness while feeling depleted.

I'll explain what I mean.

And you know,

This is what's cool is because I mean,

You know,

The email is not that long.

But she went into detail for me,

Which was is really helpful.

So you know,

And as I'm reading this,

It's like getting to that place of fullness.

While feeling depleted,

That jumped out at me.

I'm like,

Okay,

Well,

You can't feel full while feeling depleted.

That's two opposite things.

So that's something I can touch on.

And then she goes into a little more detail about a job being exhausting and a boss putting a lot of work on my desk,

Which I specifically experienced this in my journey.

And the demands and expectations depleted me,

Tried to do what I could to improve the situation,

Having conversations,

Trying to draw boundaries,

Trying to draw boundaries.

Another thing that jumped out at me.

We can't try to draw boundaries.

If we're setting appropriate boundaries,

It's not up to the other person,

Whether they abide by our boundary or whether they don't abide by our boundary.

A good boundary is set up and you know what the consequences are going to be before you even present it.

And then you follow through with those consequences.

So you know,

I'm going to be going into that a little bit more.

When my efforts didn't lead to enough of an improvement planned on leaving,

This was so hard to do while feeling exhausted.

Which that jumped out at me.

I left before finding another job,

Which put me into another situation that has been depleting.

And I experienced that in my journey.

So there's so many little things here that give us great food to talk about.

So,

And there's a little bit more to the email,

But I'm going to start diving into this and then go back to the email.

So the first thing that jumped out,

I think main challenge is getting to that place of fullness while feeling depleted.

So,

And I just clicked back over.

Hi Sarah.

She hears lots of doggies.

Yes.

Yeah.

I'm at my neighbors because I still don't have my internet straightened out.

So I'm using theirs and we have,

We each have a dog.

So there's three and we're dog sitting two others.

So there's five pups running around at the moment.

So yeah,

You guys are probably going to hear some of that in the background.

Um,

So to get back on point,

Yeah,

We're not going to be able to feel full while feeling depleted because those are two separate things.

Obviously,

Um,

We're probably not going to,

I gotta be careful how I say this.

We're probably not going to get to a place where we're completely full before we start trying to implement these things.

Um,

Because it's implementing these things that are empowering.

So it's implementing these things that that is going to actually get you feeling fuller and more empowered as you do this.

So we'll,

We'll take that mentality into the specifics that she went into.

Boss put a lot of work on my desk and you know,

This email has great clarity to the demands and the expectations depleted me,

Right?

So somebody else's demands and expectations depleted you.

So this is,

That's a gigantic sign because that's something else somebody else is doing to you that's hurting you.

So that's external hurting your internal.

That's backwards.

That's never going to work as long as we have people externally that are going to come in and control how we feel through their demands and their expectations.

We're set up to lose.

So,

So right here,

It's as long as this is our,

Our perspective,

As long as we're coming at it from this perspective,

It's not going to work.

It's,

It's literally impossible to work because we've taken our empowerment,

Our power,

And maybe we haven't been in touch with it for a while,

But we've taken our power and we've handed it over to our boss.

So now they are in control over whether we feel depleted or not because of their demands and their expectations.

And of course,

You know,

Like I said,

Coming from that perspective,

It's not going to work.

And now we see how in the email says,

I tried to do what I could to improve the situation,

Having conversations,

Trying to draw boundaries.

People,

Do you know how many conversations took place today?

Hundreds of billions.

You know how many of them actually solved anything?

Very,

Very few.

And a lot of times the conversations,

We are not clear on how to have empowering,

Useful conversations,

Which the most extreme and the most specific of which is setting boundaries,

Which was mentioned.

So set drawing boundaries,

You know,

Really a great thing to do is go back and listen to some of my podcasts,

Just put in keyword boundaries and whichever podcasts pop up that have that keyword in it.

Listen to them because I've talked a lot about boundaries.

Excuse me,

Because they're one of the most misunderstood things out there is boundaries.

People,

You know,

We think a boundary is saying,

Hey,

You know,

I really don't want you to do this.

Please don't treat me this way.

Can you not do that,

Please?

Thank you.

And then and then they continue doing it and they go,

See,

My boundary didn't work.

Well,

That's not a boundary.

That is not a boundary.

If if the other person if if it depends on the other person's compliance,

Then it is not a boundary because that's a boundary is something that you set.

That's an empowerment action that you set.

So it can't be contingent on if somebody else decides to to abide by that or not.

It can't be the up to up to the other person.

So like in a situation with a job like this,

We have to be clear because I you know,

I don't tell people to to go quit their jobs.

I mean,

It's and one of the reasons why is because I did that once I took off out of a job because it wasn't right.

And I didn't know what to do when I was having difficulty getting out of it.

And I actually did dive into another job that I had to quit within a few weeks because I just literally couldn't do it.

So I was in that situation of leaving a job abruptly just because I was trying to get out of it and landing in a very difficult position because now my son was very young at the time.

And I was paying child support plus trying to support myself and I had no income for I think it was three or four months,

Which was difficult.

And I busted my ass job searching and ended up taking a job,

Making less,

Making about half of what I was making before.

And then that job got me into the other aspect of this email where where it was all my boss giving me a bunch of work and my happiness based on my boss's expectations.

So all this stuff I've worked through.

So the as far as the setting boundaries,

You have to think clearly.

You know,

I call myself a spiritual realist because I'm not I'm not telling people that just to go quit your job.

No,

Be realistic about the situation.

If you have bills and you can't just go quit your job,

Then don't,

You know.

But we're not going to make it that long in a uncomfortable place unless we dive in and start doing the work on ourselves,

Because eventually we're going to get so frustrated that we can't take it anymore.

And we're going to quit or do something to get fired or something,

You know.

So take the situation into your own hands,

Take it into your own hands and decide,

Okay,

What am I willing to do?

What am I not willing to do?

Am I willing to quit my job over this?

Well,

You know,

And sometimes the answer is yes,

Sometimes the answer is no.

If the answer is no,

Then you have to be realistic about that and accept that.

You have to say,

Okay,

Well,

I've been here for a year or three years or five years or 10 years,

And I've never really liked this situation I'm in.

So I have to accept that I'm going to be in this situation for a little bit longer until I can transcend this and accept it,

But make it a conscious choice.

See,

The reason that it's so difficult is because we keep thinking of ourselves as a victim of the external being pushed on us.

They're making me stay.

I have to stay at this job.

It's really difficult because I have to stay here and I don't want to stay here,

And nobody's making you stay.

It's a freedom of choice.

You can leave if you're willing to pay the consequences that come with leaving.

But make a conscious choice and don't blame somebody else for you leaving if you do decide to quit.

You chose to quit.

You know,

And all this stuff is,

You're going to see a theme basically with everything that I say tonight.

And it is taking responsibility for your life.

And it's a bitter pill to swallow because everything that we've been taught in society is that we are not in control of our own lives.

And that stress comes from outside of us,

And other people make our lives difficult,

And you don't understand what we're dealing with.

And it's all this stuff.

It's all external being pushed on us.

And we have no choices,

And we have no freedom,

And we have no power.

And this is why we feel powerless and overwhelmed,

And we act out of frustration instead of self-love.

We have to get out of that mindset,

And to get out of it,

We have to swallow that bitter pill and stop blaming everybody else and stop understanding.

We actually do have more control over our lives than we realize we do.

We just haven't been taught that.

We've been taught the wrong stuff,

Guys.

That's all.

We've just been taught the wrong stuff.

And it's okay because we're going to learn.

We're learning the right stuff now.

And this isn't like speculation.

I have done this.

Many of my clients have done this.

Many of my friends have done this.

It works every time because it's spiritual law.

If you claim your space and dominion over your own happiness and stop viewing it as everybody externally is affecting your happiness and the situations are affecting your happiness,

And claim responsibility for it,

Then we can start from that space.

That's when you can start taking the empowering actions and start doing these things.

You can start going with.

.

.

What I did at my job is I printed out something because I was having a very difficult time with this.

This was like 14 years ago.

And I printed out this thing.

It said,

Happiness is your responsibility.

And I think it said something else too.

But I printed it out.

I put it in a little frame that used to have a picture in it.

And I put that right on my desk where I could see it all the time.

So that was.

.

.

You know how often I looked at that thing?

I looked at that probably 100 times a day to keep reminding myself,

To prevent myself from falling into the self-pity and the mentality that the external people.

.

.

And my boss's expectations had dominion over my happiness.

My happiness is my responsibility,

Not anybody else's.

And I have to stay like that.

I have to keep that in mind.

So that's a very important thing to do.

Hey buddy.

Buddy joined us.

Thanks for joining us again.

I'm going to go back to the email.

To.

.

.

Let's see.

It was so hard to do while feeling exhausted.

Which put me into another situation that has been depleting.

See,

The situation is not depleting.

It's how you're handling the situation that's depleting you.

Relationships.

It can be hard to successfully escape from that situation because of the depletion.

See,

This is.

.

.

You have no power.

You have no control over your own life.

It's everything external.

Other people,

Relationships deplete you and they suck you dry.

And I,

You know,

I say this a million times.

I'm not implying that this is easy.

I get it.

It's difficult,

But it doesn't change the answer.

The answer is you need to have dominion over your own life.

And we have to stop blaming other people.

You know,

If you're having a relationship that's depleting,

To successfully escape,

You don't have to escape anything.

You're not locked in.

You know what I mean?

See,

This is.

.

.

It's the perspective that needs to shift.

Because if you pay attention to the wording here,

Everything is implying that this person has no control over their own happiness.

It's so hard to successfully escape from that situation.

Like you're locked into it and you can't find the key.

It's your life.

Like if you don't.

.

.

If somebody is depleting,

You don't.

.

.

Family,

Friends,

Partners,

You don't have to escape from them.

You just have to set boundaries or distance yourself from them.

If somebody's sucking the energy out of you or they're talking about things that suck the energy out of you,

You have to just stand up and be like,

You know,

I can't talk about stuff like this anymore.

It just drains me of all my energy and I'm exhausted all the time and I'm really trying to be happier in my life.

Make it about you.

I'm trying to be happier in my life and I've,

You know,

I'm trying a new thing.

I'm not talking about or discussing or getting into conversations about anything negative.

And I'm going to see how much happier I am as a result of that because I have to try something because I can't live like this anymore.

Make it about you because it is about you.

It's not about them.

They have the right to go be as miserable and talk about the most energy draining things possible.

They have that right and you can't control whether they do it or whether they don't do it.

So what you need to do is allow them to be them and start creating the life that you want.

Draw boundaries with people.

You know,

I've,

I already told you I don't want to talk about this stuff.

I'm just going to have to hang up.

So,

And then hang up.

You know,

It's,

I mean,

It's okay if people get upset with you.

Like if you have to figure out what is your goal?

Is your goal to live a happy,

Healthy,

Peaceful life?

Or is it to,

Is it to make everybody else happy?

Is it to make sure that nobody else upsets you or you don't upset anybody else?

You know,

It's,

It can't,

If you're living your life for everybody else and you're not taking care of yourself,

Then it's simply not going to work.

You're never going to find happiness.

Let's see.

I guess what I'm saying is that when I try to take care of myself,

Drawing boundary lines,

Not be a doormat,

It's incredibly hard to turn the ship around and get to a place feeling energized and full when a person and or situation is exhausting.

I did a podcast on energy vampires,

Givers and takers,

All which enjoyed.

It seems that this is such a big and important topic.

There's even more to it.

Absolutely,

Absolutely.

We all go through our versions of this and it is,

This is why in the beginning I said,

You know,

Search my podcast for boundaries because I've done,

You know,

Several on them and that boundaries has weaved into many different podcasts that I've done because it's such an important topic.

Taking care of,

Another thing,

You got to take that word try out.

I try to take care of myself.

No,

You either take care of yourself or you don't take care of yourself.

Now you,

It might be more successful or less successful,

But you don't try.

You either do it or you don't.

Draw boundary lines.

Like I said,

The boundary,

You need clarity on the boundaries because you're not drawing the boundary lines properly because people just come over and overstep them and then you go,

Oh,

Darn it.

Geez,

They overstepped my boundary.

This is exhausting.

Well,

That wasn't a boundary then,

You know,

A boundary,

Like in a simple situation is like,

And you should have this in your head already.

Where are you willing to go?

Like I said,

You know,

A job,

You might not be willing to,

To quit.

Your job.

So you can't say,

Hey,

Do this or else,

Because then if they don't do it,

Your or else is you quit and you can't quit or you painted yourself into a corner that you're not ready for.

There's nothing empowering about that.

Spirituality is empowering.

It gives you the power over your life,

But you have to take it and you have to set it.

So like an easy boundary is some talking to somebody,

A family member or a friend that's draining on the phone and you,

You tell them right off the bat,

Hey,

Listen,

I'm not talking about anything.

Or as soon as they start,

You go,

Hey,

Listen,

I'm sorry.

I'm trying to be happier.

I'm not talking about anything negative anymore.

It's just exhausting me and I just can't do it anymore.

And this is something I'm doing for myself.

Make it about you as I do it.

Make it about you as I just mentioned.

And then if they start doing it again,

You say,

Oh,

Wait a minute.

No.

And it doesn't matter if they,

They actually stop talking or if you're talking at the same time as they are.

And this is,

And the reason I point that out is because it's important to understand that this is not about whether somebody agrees with you or complies with what you're saying.

It's not about that.

So if you say,

Hey,

I'm really trying to be not negative and I'm not talking about this type of stuff anymore.

And then they start talking about it again.

You go,

Hey,

Listen like I said,

I'm not talking about this anymore.

So,

You know,

If,

If this is what the conversation is going to be,

I'm going to have to hang up because I'm just not talking about it anymore.

And if they keep talking about it,

Then you literally hang up.

You just,

You do that.

So that,

So do you see the reason I painted that out is because I want you to see that it doesn't matter if they comply or whether they don't comply where you land is not being sucked of energy.

That's where you end up.

That's what I call a win-win.

They either say,

Hey,

This is a good boundary.

I actually should do this boundary.

And they go and they,

Or,

Or they respect you enough or they're conscious enough,

Whatever you want to call it.

And they stop talking negatively,

Which that's a win,

Or you hang up and you're out of the conversation,

Which that's a win.

So that's what I mean by a win-win.

Your goal is to not be in negative conversations and you just met your goal because you set yourself up to win through an empowering state because you set yourself up for a win-win.

You know,

This is what boundaries do.

You have to set yourself up for win-wins and you have to make it non-contingent on whether they are willing to apply,

Because if they don't comply,

Then there is a consequence and you follow through with that consequence.

And of course it gets trickier when it's a job.

And of course it gets trickier when,

You know,

When,

When it's your boss,

But it doesn't mean that it can't be done.

I mean,

Basically you can't,

Like with my boss,

I was setting these boundaries and he was really trying not to abide by them.

So I just kept going up.

I ended up going to HR and having conversations and going,

Listen,

You know,

I,

This is what I've done,

This is what I've said,

I've tried this.

It's,

You know,

This was the response and I don't know what to do.

So,

You know,

And it ended up,

You know,

That for that situation,

I was not going to quit without having another job.

And because I had already done that before I got this one,

So I wasn't willing to quit.

So I kept pushing and,

And,

And,

You know,

Being responsible for my happiness,

Even,

You know,

As he came in saying stuff over and over and over and over,

I kept stopped feeling like a victim.

And no matter how much he came at me,

I was like,

I have to be in control of my own inner state.

Now that doesn't mean I have to like it and accept it.

I can still keep taking actions.

I can still keep pushing the envelope and,

And,

You know,

Going up the ladder,

Which I did.

Action wise,

I kept going,

Doing the next step to try to change the situation.

But I was not,

In the meantime,

I was not going to let him rob me of my peace to the best of my ability.

I mean,

It affected me,

You know,

And it's not some of these situations,

We're not going to be running through life,

Clicking our heels,

Happy all the time,

Especially when we're in a bowl of crap where we have,

We're trying,

We've never been empowered to take care of our lives.

And then we have all these external forces trying to show us,

They don't know that what they're doing,

But what they're doing is they're trying to show us how to take responsibility for our lives.

And they don't know that we don't know that.

So we're,

You know,

It seems like it's this big battle.

All it is,

Is you are trying to be shown the way to feel empowered and be responsible for your own life.

And the best way to show you that is to show you that if you take,

If you allow other people to be in control of your happiness and your peace,

This is what you're going to get.

And you're going to get it from your friends,

You're going to get it from your family,

You're going to get it from your partner,

You're going to get it from your boss,

You're going to get it from your co-workers.

And if you try jumping ship without actually dealing with this stuff in a healthy way,

You're going to land right in the same situation all over again.

And that's exactly what happened.

This is why we,

You know,

And it's not just you,

It's all of us.

We are being pushed to grow right now.

God knows I am,

You know,

I just moved up into the mountains in the Dominican Republic and this has been one of the most trying times in my life.

It's,

As far as I've come in the last 17 years,

This has pushed me to my edge of growth where I needed to grow more and I still do.

So,

You know,

We're all growing now.

So,

I mean,

Don't,

You know,

Do not feel like you're alone.

We're all growing.

Whatever we need to work through is being shoved in our face so we can work through it.

So let me just check some of these,

Some of these comments.

Sarah,

I found with some people when I shut conversations down like that,

They come back with some cliche like the ostrich buries its head in the sand or even worse,

You're part of the problem.

Yes,

They do.

They do.

And I love,

Like,

I love when,

When Sarah,

You're actually good at bringing this type of stuff up.

But I love when people bring this up because it's true people.

This is one of the reasons why we tell people to just,

We give them the room or the space to disagree with us.

So the ostrich buries its head in the sand.

Yeah,

Yeah,

It does.

It does.

You're part of the problem.

That's your opinion.

That's your opinion.

I don't see it like that.

And walk away.

Don't,

You don't have to get them to agree with you.

Let them dislike you.

Let them dislike what you're doing.

Give people,

One of the most freeing things we can do is give people the permission to have their own thoughts and beliefs.

I don't know where we got it in our heads that we're all supposed to agree on everything.

We're all individual.

We have different fingerprints.

We're very individual.

We all look different.

You know,

There's clues to this.

We're different.

We're supposed to be different.

We're not all supposed to see things the same.

And that is not required for us to be happy and peaceful in our own lives.

It is not mandatory.

I call it my asshole repellent.

I love when people don't like what I'm doing and really stand in it.

You know,

Some people don't like what I'm doing,

But they're like,

Well,

Hey,

You know,

That's Glen,

It's his way,

Whatever.

And those are the people that are my friends because they accept me regardless of whether they agree or whether they disagree with a particular way that I'm handling something.

It's inconsequential to them.

And those are the people that I like to have as my friends.

But when somebody really gets upset and refuses to give me space to handle things the way that I think that they should be handled in my life,

Cool.

See ya.

I want them to be mad at me.

I mean,

Not really,

But I don't want somebody to be mad at me.

But boy,

It simplifies my life because I just found out that you,

That that person refuses to give me the space to allow me to be myself without criticizing me or putting me down.

That is not somebody I want in my life.

So the fact that they don't want to talk to me or they don't like me or whatever,

Cool.

Good.

My circle just got a little bit healthier because they're not in it.

Allow people to go.

You don't need people in your life that are negative.

You don't need them.

So that,

Thank you,

Sarah,

For that.

And Sandy.

Hi,

Sandy.

Nice to see you back.

And this is actually during my live because I know that you had a work issue in the past.

So nice that you could make the live.

Lisa.

Hey,

Glenn and everybody.

And my friend Grace.

That is right,

My friend.

Grace has made some posts recently of her place in Rhode Island,

Her spiritual place that she had started many moons ago.

That was one of my first little hangouts.

Very cool.

So she was like my first spiritual friend in Rhode Island,

I believe,

Like 16 years ago.

I can't believe it's that long.

So nice to see Grace too.

So let me,

I'm just going to go back to this email and just kind of read through the ending to see if there's anything more I can touch on to wrap up.

It's incredibly hard to turn a ship around and get to a place feeling energized and full when a person is exhausting me.

I already touched on,

We have to,

We have to flip flop that,

Take responsibility for ourselves.

Somebody,

A person or situation cannot exhaust you.

They are external.

So the only way that they can exhaust you is if you open up and allow them to exhaust you.

If you give your power away to them,

If you give them the ability to exhaust you.

And I can prove this because like,

You know,

Like,

Um,

If,

If there was,

You know,

Well,

This person said they listened to a bunch of my podcasts.

So I'm going to use me as a,

As an example,

Because it's probably clearer that way.

So if you,

You know,

If,

If your boss said and did the same things to me as your boss said and did to you,

Do you think that I would be exhausted on the same level?

Do you think I would be as exhausted?

And I would venture to say,

No.

I wouldn't,

Maybe I would give some of my power away because,

Hey,

I'm not perfect either.

And maybe I would be a little depleted or something like that.

It's possible.

You know,

I'm not going to say that's not possible.

I get depleted sometimes,

But you want to know how I get out of it every time is by reclaiming my power and stop giving my power away.

So,

But back to my point,

Like,

Do you think I would be as depleted as you?

And if you're,

If you've listened to enough,

My podcast,

The answer should be no,

I'm,

I'm not going to be as depleted.

Well,

Why the external situation was the same,

The external person was the same.

Why am I not as depleted as you?

Well,

That's so the external stimuli is the same,

But the internal reaction is different.

That means that the external stimuli is not the cause of the exhaustion.

It's the internal way it's dealt with.

That's what causes the exhaustion and the depletion.

And again,

This is how I started it.

I,

We,

We want to blame other people so badly.

We think that's what we want,

But that's not what we want because if it was true,

Then we would never find happiness.

Ever,

Because it's not in our hands.

So swallow that bitter pill,

Say,

Yes,

It is my responsibility.

And is it going to be easy?

No.

And one of the things that they said in the email,

Which I love,

I use this often is,

I'm not going to look for it.

They said something about turning the ship around.

It's incredibly hard to turn a ship around.

Yes,

It is.

Yes,

It's difficult to turn a ship around.

And one of the reasons is,

Is because we think it's a sports car and it's not,

It's a ship.

It's a big ass ship.

So like a sports car,

You can spin that puppy around on a dime.

Oh,

This person's depleting me.

Well,

I'm not going to allow that to happen.

Poop.

Oh,

I'm going in the opposite direction.

That was easy.

That's not how it works.

If you've been living a certain way and you've been allowing,

Giving your power away and allowing people to deplete you and exhaust you for multiple,

Multiple,

Multiple,

Multiple,

Multiple,

Multiple,

Multiple,

Multiple,

Multiple years,

You're going to get a lot of people just going to be like,

Oh,

This is a good thing,

But I'm going to have to do it.

I'm going to have to do it for a couple of years.

Because your buddy else that taught us how to live in Israel.

A few days and then we have a bad day and it really affects us.

And then we go,

Oh crap,

I'm back to the start.

No,

You're not.

You're not back to the start.

That's part of the curve.

If you're,

If you're going from giving your power away to reclaiming your power,

There is,

You know,

There's a bunch of space in between those two points.

And as we're walking that space in between those two points to implement the change that we're trying to implement,

We're going to have good days and we're going to have bad days.

And if you have,

And we're going to have good hours and good minutes and bad hours and bad minutes in the beginning.

But if you stay the course and slowly turn that ship,

You'll get there.

But if every time you have a bad day or you get overwhelmed and you go home and you go,

See everything I tried doesn't work.

Why?

Because you had one bad day.

That's not how it goes.

That's not how it goes.

That's not how it goes.

It's,

You know,

You're going to,

You're going to not be successful at certain times.

It's going to happen.

And sometimes you are going to be successful.

And what happens is as we're moving towards any type of change,

We are almost 100% one way and 0% another way.

And then we start changing.

And then we're 90% one way and 10% another way.

And then we're 80% and 20%.

And then we're 50-50.

And then it starts going in the other direction.

And then next thing you know,

We're 80% healthy,

20% unhealthy.

And we're going,

Wow,

When did that happen?

And you want to know why we say when did that happen is because we weren't keeping score.

We weren't freaking out every time we had a bad day.

We're just doing our best without judgment on ourselves.

Don't judge yourself.

Just keep doing your best.

And next thing you know,

You'll wake up and you'll be like,

Boy,

That person hasn't gotten to me in like two weeks.

When did I get so good at this?

Oh my God.

And it'll be shocking and wonderful and fulfilling and exciting,

You know,

When you really start seeing that change.

But that's how real change happens.

And it happens that way,

Like I said,

Because you're not keeping score.

If you keep score all the time,

That's never going to happen because you judge yourself every time you don't do it perfectly,

Which makes you feel bad about yourself,

Which is,

You know,

Disempowering,

Which lowers your empowerment because you feel like crap about yourself and you don't have the self-love or the self-confidence to keep score.

You don't have the self-love or the self-confidence to keep moving forward.

So that's what sets you back.

It's our own judgment that sets us back.

It's not screwing up.

We're going to screw up.

We're not going to do it perfectly.

It's not going to happen.

We're going to have bad days.

Things are going to get to us.

But if we stay the course little by little,

It's going to,

We're going to have more good days than bad days.

So I am going to wrap up soon.

I'm going to take one more quick look at the email.

Yeah,

That's really basically,

It's the empowerment.

We have to empower ourselves and we need to learn to set healthier boundaries,

You know,

And I mean,

Sometimes we have to get pretty specific with the boundaries.

And I try to put out as much helpful and free content as I can,

But sometimes,

You know,

You need outside help.

So especially with like specific situations,

You know,

Sometimes you need to,

Especially with boundaries with workplaces and family,

I've found that many times you have to have a very specific plan in place with specific boundaries,

With specific consequences in gradually more extreme consequences.

So you have to have like a plan with like three boundaries with increasingly intense consequences.

If there's somebody in your life,

I call them repeat offenders.

I haven't used that term in a while.

Repeat offenders is what I call them.

I get,

You know what?

I don't really have repeat offenders in my life anymore.

That's why I don't use that term anymore.

Well,

So this is one of those moments I was just talking about where you go,

When did that happen?

Wow,

That's cool.

I just had that.

I just realized I don't use the term repeat offenders anymore because I just don't have them in my life anymore.

So that's cool.

So you can get them out of your life little by little.

Repeat offenders are people who are in your life that you can't necessarily get out of your life.

Like,

You know,

Even you can't just draw the line and say,

I'm never going to talk to you.

Your boss,

Unless you're willing to quit,

You can't just do that.

You know,

An ex-spouse,

If you have children together,

You know,

That's a problem.

You can't just,

There's more you can do than you think.

But,

And you can copy people out of your life and there is more that you can do and you may have to do those things.

They're an ocean liner of behavior.

Their perceptions of you and who you are and how you function are locked into place.

Everybody is functioning from life from their own play.

They are the main director and the main actor in their own play and everybody else is secondary actors and they're designing and directing their own play and you have a role in it.

And what your role is about,

Your role is designed by them.

They expect,

Oh,

This is one that I go to and I vent to.

That's your role.

So if all of a sudden you stand up and say,

Hey,

Listen,

I don't want to talk about this stuff anymore.

They're going to,

Usually they get upset.

They're like,

Well,

Wait a minute,

Because they don't realize they're doing this,

But it's because they're going,

Wait a minute,

This is my play.

This is who I vent to.

Who are they to change their role in my play?

So this is why it takes a little time to shift things.

So this is why several boundaries with increasing consequences is necessary sometimes.

To really set those boundaries firmly where it's always a win-win for you and then you actually get people to one of two places,

Either they respect you and stand and accept you for who you are and respect you enough that even if they disagree with you,

They respect you enough to stand by whatever boundaries you set or they're not in your life.

Eventually it's going to go one of those two ways and that's a win-win.

It has to be.

So yes,

Sarah said it does feel more difficult with family and people you're close to.

Absolutely.

Raina,

Hi Raina,

Thanks for tuning in.

And Sarah says,

Reminds me of your podcast where you talked about things becoming a non-issue.

Yes,

That's our goal is to have things just be a non-issue.

And Laura,

Hi Laura,

How are you doing?

Great topic,

Even better coaching,

Thank you.

You know I know this stuff has truth by my own experience.

Thanks for your guidance.

Yes,

Laura,

We've worked through a lot of this stuff.

Laura knows firsthand.

You know,

Like I said in the beginning,

Like this is not,

This is not stuff that I'm saying like,

Oh hey,

Why don't you try this,

Maybe it'll work.

No,

If it's done correctly,

It's not going to work.

You have to have it.

So many people come to me and I have big conversations with them specifically about a boundary or boundaries and how to set them and what to do and how to do that.

And then,

You know,

They'll come back a little while later and they'll be like,

Oh,

It didn't work.

They're like,

What do you mean it didn't work?

Of course,

Then you didn't do it right.

Oh no,

I didn't do it right.

It didn't work.

Okay,

Let's go back.

Let's walk through and we'll go piece by piece and we'll see exactly where they dropped the ball.

Remember when I told you this?

This is why I told you this.

I mean,

It's very simple,

But it's amazing how conditioned we are to think differently than this.

So our subconscious comes in and sabotages things.

That's why we need to be very clear on what boundaries we're setting,

Why we're not setting,

Why we're setting them,

How they're going to work,

What the consequences are,

And then we can set them and just follow them to a T without going,

Well,

Yeah,

I know he said this,

But you know,

In this situation,

Of course I should go that way.

You know,

I don't,

I don't do that little piece on this in this situation.

Of course,

That would be ridiculous.

That's the very thing that you do need to follow through.

And this is how I started in the beginning.

Like when I woke up spiritually,

It was through recovery,

Went through 12 steps,

And I had my sponsor there teaching me how to live everything.

And it was,

I can't even count how many times where I assessed the situation,

Figured out what I should do,

Even with his guidance.

And then when it was time to really take the action,

I would,

My brain would be like,

Well,

Not this.

And I'd go to him.

I'd be like,

Well,

Right,

Not this,

Right?

Because I didn't trust myself.

And that was a gigantic gift that I gave to myself,

Not trusting my brain.

I didn't trust my brain.

I thought,

And I was very intellectual.

I could,

You know,

Rationalize things and think things through and all this stuff.

And I didn't trust myself.

And I'm glad I didn't because every time I went back and I was like,

Well,

Except for this piece,

Right?

He went,

No,

That's exactly what you need to do.

It was like living in that Seinfeld bizarro world where common sense becomes uncommon sense.

That's what it's like when you're trying to implement these changes.

This is why guidance is so important.

It's because the very thing that you think that you don't have to do is the very thing that you have to do.

This is what Einstein said,

Meant when he said,

You can't solve a problem with the consciousness that created it.

Your thinking,

The way you view situations,

Your perspective got you into this situation.

If you depend on your way of thinking,

It's going to leave you in this situation because that's what's got you here in the first place,

Your way of thinking.

So this is why we need to bring in that other way.

So there.

That I just,

There was just,

I could feel those,

Those kind of,

To me,

They're big things,

You know,

Like hammer at home with a quote and that type of stuff.

You know,

I love when,

When you,

I get somebody like Einstein that says something like this and it alludes to exactly what we're talking about.

So and you know,

So I'll close with Gandhi's one of my favorites,

Be the change you wish to see.

You know,

If you want other people to do things and,

And then the world will be better.

No,

It starts from within.

We got to change ourselves.

We have the power to change ourselves.

We have the power to find happiness.

We have the power to set healthy boundaries.

We can do it.

You know,

And sometimes we have to be willing to risk things and sometimes we don't.

Sometimes we just have to be really specific and clever with the boundaries that we're setting and how we're setting them.

But it is available to you.

So that's going to do it.

Thank you for listening,

Everybody.

And I will,

I will talk with you soon next week.

Hopefully,

Hopefully I'll have my own internet next week.

We'll see.

All right.

Take care,

Everybody.

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