Managing Expectations

Hi everybody,

Welcome to this discussion on managing expectations.

You're going to be looking at different types of expectations,

What are the consequences of expectations and then of course how do we work with it so that it doesn't control us and potentially ruin relationships and ruin many aspects of one's life.

My name is Helen,

I work in the realms of kinesiology with holistic psychology and I also come with a background of developmental psychology and archetypal psychology.

So all of these various fields and nuances will be reflected in our discussion today.

So we all have expectations in our life,

Every day there are expectations running through our mind whether we are aware of it or not and for the purpose of this discussion I'm not going to be referring to the realistic needs that we have for our survival because those expectations are in a different category altogether.

So what we're looking at are unrealistic expectations and interestingly the majority of our expectations which are not survival-based are unrealistic and I'll come to why that is in a bit but the majority of our expectations are actually hidden,

We are not even conscious about it.

Think about when you've had an emotional reaction to receiving something,

It could be a gift,

It could be news and one's emotion could be either end of the scale,

Maybe you get a shock,

You are sad,

You feel let down or maybe suddenly you become elated and feel over the moon and in that moment of surprise if one had to pause and freeze frame and go and unpack that one would find that there would be some hidden unconscious expectations linked there that one didn't even realize that I actually did want this to happen and that's why I'm so elated right now or I actually wanted the opposite to happen and I never said anything or did anything but now that it's happening this way I wish that I had have done that.

So those type of reactions as well as that type of language wishing that we had have done something using words language such as I should have,

I ought to have,

That indicates for us there was an expectation for things to go one way and now that they've gone the other way we have this resistance to it and when we have a resistance to something that is also a very big clear sign of an expectation that has not been met.

Now there's nothing wrong with having expectations so the aim here is not to get rid of expectations because that also creates a resistance and an expectation of freeing ourselves of expectations it's rather bringing ourselves to a place of neutrality which will allow the sensitivity around expectations to shift on the scale.

Many human behavior specialists tell us that depression is a clear sign that we are having unrealistic expectations and just think about that for a moment so you have a goal perhaps that you set for yourself and you feeling really confident at the time that you setting the goal and maybe not thinking realistically about tomorrow I probably won't feel this way maybe not the next day either because my moods do fluctuate my energy does fluctuate so instead of being completely realistic when one sets a goal in a mood of an upswing one can set oneself up for missing that goal and that can then bring us down plummet us to the point of despair,

Depression,

I'm not good enough,

I can't do this,

What was I thinking and all this negative self-talk.

Another way is when we have expectations on others and they don't meet the criteria they don't meet the goals that we've set for them that can be very disappointing and when we realize that our expectations are not being met and we have an emotional reaction that is a sign of resistance to the outcome and that resistance will create more dissonance and distance between ourselves and a realistic expectation and really the only realistic expectation we can have is for ourselves and even that we find really difficult but we cannot expect others to behave in any particular way and I often get asked this question but isn't it fair and right to expect to be treated politely and kindly and respectfully especially if I've done ABCD for somebody and the answer is no we cannot ever have expectations on another and the reason is because we have no control over life,

Over life circumstances.

Now if we have an expectation on somebody who we know well and we've been in a relationship with this person for a long time and they've been reliable and trustworthy there comes a point when one naturally automatically expects that to continue from this person.

The one thing that we do know is a universal law and that is the only constant is change.

Now it doesn't mean that we need to barrier ourselves up in protection and armor in case we get hurt.

Feeling hurt and going through that experience is an experience that allows us to feel joy,

To understand joy,

To understand praise,

Praise and grief the opposite sides of the same coin.

So we don't want to shy away and steer away from any experiences of life however we don't want to try and control them through unrealistic expectations and this control often comes from a place of fear,

From a place of perhaps even childhood wounds and when those are cleared one notices how those expectations on others start to be released and the clutching and the holding and the grasping is less and less as the individual is able to sigh out and just relax into a life,

Relax into their body,

Into this process of the unknown because we are forever in the unknown no matter how we try and control our environment so that it is predictable it creates a huge burden and a huge pressure to remain there because our growth happens in the time of journeying through the unpredictable,

Going through the anxiety or the fear whatever emotions are connected and it's that journey that really allows us to get to know ourselves.

This constant need to control and manage life,

Manage others that really blocks us from knowing ourselves completely,

Understanding our purpose,

Fulfilling even our purpose,

Relaxing into life no matter what it brings because there will be moments of completely unexpected experiences no matter which side of the scale it is.

Now are these experiences causing you to become ruffled,

To sway,

To feel like you lose your center and lose your grounding that is the place where one needs to manage expectations.

It's the response to life and if our response is resistance or if our response is losing our centeredness due to excitement doesn't mean we can't have joy and happiness or experience that but can we maintain our centeredness in those heightened states if you're struggling to do that then that's a sign that I need to come back to center.

And where is your center?

Can you get back to your center or move to your center,

Move forward to your center,

Move to the side to your center?

Can you engage with your center easily and quickly,

Comfortably,

Confidently?

And one sure way to do that for yourself is to move yourself into the place of being the observer,

Your awareness.

In other words moving away from being the reactor because awareness of one's experiences will give you awareness of your expectations that will give you insights into yourself and often we are not aware of those expectations until we have a reaction and then we step back to ground ourselves,

To quiet ourselves,

We step into stillness and we ask where is this coming from and when we ask that purely from a deep sincere place of concern for ourself and a willingness to hear and see sometimes what might not be what we want to really hear and see then we will receive that information and that information is like gold.

So if you have an experience maybe you've had one recently where you've had just that you've had an emotional outburst doesn't have to be externally it can be just internally and you didn't know where that came from or why that happened or maybe you do know why it happened and you know what your expectation was and you see that it wasn't met.

Can you now take yourself into a place of stillness and ask yourself where is that coming from?

Where is that really coming from?

Because it's not coming from oh I wanted this to happen or I didn't like it that so-and-so didn't live up to his or her word.

There's something deeper underneath there that has caused such a resistance and this often stems from what we're not wanting to see about ourselves because expectations when they are piled up on top of each other create a distraction a distraction from perhaps an old wound,

A distraction from maybe a belief of ours that is not serving us any longer,

A distraction from thought patterns behavior patterns of ours that are really actually destructive.

It is so much easier to look externally and place the blame outwardly saying well so-and-so didn't do this I expected that to be done it wasn't done and now I am going through this and that means I can't do this or I'm not available to do that or whatever the excuse is.

The content doesn't matter but that formula of blaming is part of that process of unrealistic expectations not being met.

So to conclude the only person that we can hold accountable is ourselves and we are accountable for our thoughts,

Our reactions,

Our behaviors and this is all in response to ourselves and also in response to others.

If you are wasting your happiness and your calmness and well-being in the hands of another then unfortunately you will be setting yourself up for an experience that is opposite.

Maybe not all of the time but there will come a time where that will happen.

Taking full responsibility for one's own self,

One's own happiness,

One's own calmness.

It's what I'd like to call self-parenting.

So when you find yourself becoming emotionally reactive to an expectation that has not been met either by yourself or by another simply talk to yourself kindly,

Calmly,

With love,

With care like a parent would to a young child explaining that it's okay.

In life there are always changes and just like the wind can blow the trees,

Leaves and branches.

So we too can feel blown about a bit sometimes but to always remember that we have roots and it's the grounding of these roots where our attention and care needs to be given.

We often focus on pruning the branches,

Cutting the flowers.

What about part of the plant that can't be seen,

The part that keeps the plant,

The tree standing upright and remaining alive.

So again this goes back to really knowing ourselves.

Do you know your roots?

Do you know what grounds you?

Do you know what you need to do for you and to be able to be calm and comfortable in your home,

Your first home,

Your holistic body here on earth.

Let's move into a short meditation together if you can close your eyes.

Just take a breath in and exhale everything out,

All of your thoughts,

Any emotions,

Any resistance you might feel.

Just allow that to move now.

Breathe in,

Breathe out,

Relaxing all the muscles down,

Relaxing the facial muscles,

The body muscles.

And if you need some time to continue settling yourself then just press pause and return when you're ready.

And let's ask ourselves the question now.

Show me what expectations do I have that are holding me back?

Repeat that again.

Show me now clearly what expectations I have that are holding me back.

And repeat that once more in your own words.

And then breathe into that.

Exhale,

Let that go and just allow whatever comes through to come through in whatever way,

Shape or form.

Don't have any expectations or resistance,

Just allow.

Bring your attention back to the breath and just letting go of everything that came through for you and just trust the process of self-awareness now to take place.

One doesn't need to do anything with self-awareness,

It's just simply being aware.

The more that we ask questions like this,

The more aware we are asking for ourselves to be.

And over time what will happen is that which you have sparked in your subconscious will slowly start to travel up to the conscious and more awareness will come through.

So this is a process that will continue.

And over time as we become more and more aware,

Naturally that awareness will start to instigate transformation for our highest good.

Transformation that is in alignment with you,

Your soul and your soul's purpose here on earth.

Allow yourself to trust in that and trust in your innate wisdom,

In your knowingness,

Giving yourself the grace to be human while at the same time allowing for your divine potential to be present as well.

I thank you for journeying through this discussion with me and I look forward to seeing you in the next discussion on another insightful topic.

Until we meet again,

Do take care.