Understanding The Blame Shame Game

Hello and welcome to this discussion on blame and shame.

I'm Helen Hansen a kinesiologist working also with various styles of psychology from developmental to holistic and archetypal.

Looking at the frequency of these emotions of blame and shame we see that they are right at the bottom of the barrel.

What I mean by that is these are two of the emotions that carry the strongest weight that have the deepest destructive impact in the holistic system.

When blame or shame has been with somebody for long enough and this can be either receiving it from oneself from the other or being the giver of blame and shame.

Either of these experiences is going to over time create either a disease,

A malfunction,

A mechanical strain,

Psychological disturbance.

There are many different ways that the disruption of such a deep dark frequency repetitive over time will have on the holistic system.

Now we all get to experience blame and shame sometime in our life or other because it's part of the mechanics of teaching one various lessons that we all need to learn in life.

For example boundaries,

Self-love and authenticity to name just a few.

So when blame or shame comes knocking at your door or maybe it's a longtime resident in your home then one wants to see this as an invitation.

An invitation that one is now ready to transform this fuel because it really is a fuel.

Frequency is vibrational and it has energy and when we learn how to transform states from one into the other we can do that with emotional frequencies as well.

And we'll be talking a little bit later on about how to actually go about that.

Let's start by unpacking shame first of all.

So shame is often tied with one's values,

One's belief systems and it is generally understood to be externally initiated even if one is not aware of this consciously or one might not think that it is so.

There are aspects of expectations from society,

Be the society,

Our family,

Our friends,

Our community at large,

The work that we're involved in.

So any group that one is connected with,

Whether directly or indirectly,

One can feel certain expectations and when one perceives,

And this is a very important part of this whole mix,

When one perceives that I am not living up to the expectations of this group,

I am not doing things the way they approve of or speaking in the way or dressing in the way,

Then I stand a risk of being shamed.

Sometimes the perception is correct,

Sometimes it is not.

So it's largely what goes on in one's mind about what is acceptable,

What one perceives is acceptable,

Either through one's own criteria or external criteria and when that criteria is not met,

Then the self-shaming follows.

This is what we call in archetypal psychology a shadow state of that optional frequency because all frequencies have an option to be resonating in the shadow which is actually calling us to look at it deeply or it can be resonating from a heart space.

When one is shamed by another,

That affects the quality of external validation.

In other words,

The validation that one receives externally in its shadow form making one feel less than,

Not good enough,

Making one perhaps doubt oneself or question oneself and when one continues to accept,

Allow,

Surrender to the shame of another,

Then this can actually infiltrate into one's belief systems and over time a toxic relationship,

A toxic environment can infiltrate someone's whole being,

Even one's personality to a degree.

But before we go now blaming another or shame on oneself,

One must always look at what part did I have to play in this?

What part do I have to play in this?

It's a very valuable question to ask in quiet time,

In a space of stillness,

In some time of contemplation and without expectations just allow yourself to talk to you because you do,

We all do have our answers.

It is that innate wisdom that we are born with,

It's our birthright and sometimes when it's been dormant it's simply about taking the time to reawaken that.

And for the one who is doing the shaming or even the blaming there is an undercurrent of fear.

Many other emotions would be present there as well but that would be person and situation specific but through all of those other emotions there will be a strong web of fear and it's this fear of losing oneself that drives an individual to blame another,

To shame another because when one does that one has even if for a brief moment there is a rush of dopamine and the ego feels validated and right and strong and forceful and confident and sometimes not all the time but it is quite often that one finds individuals who blame and shame others a lot.

There is a very small sense of self,

Self-worth in that individual,

Hence the need to build themselves up by putting others down.

For ones who are on the receiving end of blame and shame it is important to remember that it is not one's job to inform the perpetrator of why they are doing what they are doing.

That can actually block the opportunity for that individual to have their own awareness at the right time in the right way.

So all we have to do each and every one of us no matter which side of the fence that you are on or even if you're not,

It is to stick to your lane,

Stay focused on you.

What is your part in this blame and shame scenario?

Are you allowing it,

Being on the receiving end?

Are you perpetuating it by continuing to think that way of yourself and thereby inviting others to repeat that dance and that game with you?

Are you the one who's giving it?

Are you the one perhaps who's witnessing it but is still being impacted by it?

There are so many different positions that one can be in in a blame-shame scenario.

While shame is something that can fill the psyche completely and can be part of a sense of self,

Blame on the other hand is situational directed.

Again whether it's blaming oneself,

Blaming the other,

Being the one who's blaming,

Whether one is witnessing blame between others,

This will largely be event driven and it's important to be mindful even in situations where there are very clear facts and when it is obvious for example somebody has overstepped the line,

Be careful of nevertheless pointing fingers now at the other because even when there is truth that takes on a hue of blame and shame and there is a heartfelt way to approach a matter no matter how delicate in a way that is sensitive,

That is caring and doesn't do any more damage.

Remembering that damage that we do to others we receive back into ourselves.

Hence why we don't have to worry about teaching somebody a lesson because their lesson has been learned and is being learned perhaps on a very subtle level but that subtle level over time becomes very large and loud.

We all teach ourselves our own lessons that we need to learn from and the more we try and teach others lessons,

Well the more we are actually just making it more difficult for ourselves.

And a quick way to assess if you are in a blame scenario whether this be verbally or mentally is look out for words like ought to,

Should have,

Why didn't I,

Why didn't you,

It's so unfair,

Anything along those lines it's a sign of a victim in a shadow space,

A victim not being able to stand up even if another has victimized an individual it is up to the individual to actually receive that and what I mean by that is all of our conversations and interactions with each other are invitations.

Everything we say,

Everything we do it's an invitation to another to respond in a certain way so somebody blaming and shaming another is an invitation for them to do the same back so that those shadow patterns can carry on feeding each other and I talk a lot about the shadow patterns in archetypal psychology courses that I have for you here on Insight Timer.

So one way to start changing those shadow patterns is first of all to be aware of that language not only from the other but from oneself and then choosing to respond differently and sometimes that response is no response at all.

However if you are not responding externally but you still having the same conversation internally then you are still having that same experience.

Changing one's habitual conversations and experiences in relationships can take effort and one way I always recommend is to actually go and sit down with a pen and paper and write down that little script that often happens when you see a certain person and the conversation goes in a certain way and even though you might have told yourself I'm not going to do or say this anymore without you even having control it just happens.

That means it's so deep in the subconscious and that automatic response and you know we are designed for our holistic system to use as little energy as possible because we need energy or the things that are new.

So when you intentionally sit down to create something new and it's not just sit down with a cup of tea I'm going to think about it it means an actual action.

So writing down the body of the brain sees that as an action it puts more attention and energy and effort there.

That already starts helping the process of actualizing this new way into your life going forward.

Start by writing out a short script of he says she says as it usually is.

One doesn't have to go into detail just the general gist of it and then you write out a new script with the intention of a different outcome.

So you start at the end what is the outcome I would like?

What is the outcome that would be in harmony for that individual and for me?

And then you work backwards and looking at what will be your words?

What will be the feelings in your body?

What will be your intention?

What will be your body language?

And you take it back to the trigger.

So the next time the trigger comes up you have got a new script ready.

Now the first few times you use this new script it might not go as planned.

It's like that with any performers in rehearsal.

Those first rehearsals are often a bit of a jumble so expect that and be okay with that.

Don't expect perfection from yourself or from the other person.

There are many things that can transpire over time.

Well the other person could respond favorably and things could change.

Not always as straightforward as that.

In those conversations you might realize things about yourself and there might be huge awareness shifts taking place.

In those conversations it may spark something in the other that is unexpected which sends you back to the drawing board re-scripting again.

So the point is go with an open heart and also an open mind and trust what needs to transpire for the greater good of everyone involved will transpire.

And the more we go into different situations,

Different environments in our life with that heartfelt intention knowing that we can't control everything.

We can't control the other.

We can't control the environment.

We can't control the situation completely.

We can only control and change over time with intention,

Our thoughts,

Our actions.

And to remember every time when you find yourself wanting or perhaps just automatically going into the space of blaming,

Shaming yourself,

Another,

It could be a person,

It could be a group,

It could be an environment,

Absolutely anything.

Just look for what is it underneath all of that that is yours that you have been avoiding looking at.

And on that note we'll move into a short meditation now where we will do just that.

So I invite you to just take a few deep breaths in and out and just simply exhale out everything that you've heard,

What you need to remember you will,

What you need to integrate you will.

But for now you're just putting thoughts to the side,

Just allowing the whole body to relax,

Relax,

Relax.

Closing the eyes,

Relaxing the facial muscles,

Body muscles.

Just gently following the breath.

Breathing in,

Breathing out.

Breathing in,

Breathing out.

Breathing in,

Breathing out.

I trust the information that I receive from my subconscious,

From my highest self,

Is accurate and for my highest good.

Let that go.

Ah,

Just take yourself just a little bit deeper into relaxation.

And now if you can ask yourself this question,

What is it that I am now ready to see,

To know about myself,

That I have not been able to look at up until now.

What is it that I am ready to see and know about myself,

That I have not been able to look at up until now.

Placing one hand lightly on the forehead,

Just allow whatever is coming through.

Simply allow whatever is coming into the body,

Into the mind,

Just very gently notice.

No judgment,

Just allowing.

The more accepting we are of all our different parts,

The more accepting we can be of others.

And the more accepting we are of others,

The greater our compassion is for them.

And so the greater our compassion grows for ourself.

And slowly bring your attention to your whole body,

To your breath.

And relax the hand to the side.

And just pause all that information that has been coming through,

If it has been coming through for you.

And slowly bring your full awareness into the environment that you are in,

Gently opening the eyes.

And commit to yourself to return to asking this question again and again,

Perhaps every night before you go to sleep,

Or perhaps every morning on waking.

And if you don't get any answers coming immediately,

That's okay.

They will come at the right time,

In the right way.

And sometimes we don't even know that something is showing up as a response to a question asked weeks or months prior.

But the process has begun,

The process has begun now,

By your asking of this question.

One of my favorite quotes is,

Quality of the questions that we ask ourself impacts the quality of our life.

May you continue to ask valuable and meaningful questions of yourself,

Trusting and knowing that you do have all the answers you need.

Thank you for being here through this talk of blame and shame.

And if you would like to engage with a related topic,

I do have another similar type discussion here on Insight Timer called