Who Am I? How To Find Clarity And Purpose In Life

Good morning,

Good afternoon,

Good evening,

A truly global Insight Timer welcome wherever you are in the world.

Just a brief introduction if this is your first time with me and this lovely group here on Insight Timer.

My name is Ian Tucker.

I've been a teacher here on Insight Timer for about six years now.

I'm an author.

My work really centers around simplicity and a mindful approach to life,

A mindful approach through life,

Really.

They say one step at a time,

One breath at a time,

And that can be difficult to break it down as such.

So it may be one day at a time.

But one thing I have come to know is that awareness is always the first step to a balanced,

Happy,

Peaceful life.

So we need to become aware.

Then we can decide if we want to make or create lasting and positive change.

But without that first seed,

Without shining a light on something,

Without pausing and just looking at the space in front of us,

We can be walking in the wrong direction for many years.

So it's good just to take stock.

And that's really what these short talks are.

Every Saturday,

For the last couple of Saturdays,

I've given a talk.

The first one was how to raise your vibrational energy.

And I introduced an exercise around that,

A very simple but profound exercise.

There's normally one exercise each week,

And there is for this content as well.

So week one was how to raise your vibrational energy.

And I encourage you to put a line across a page.

Anything above the line lifts you up.

Anything below the line drags you down,

Takes your energy,

Keeps you low.

So we become aware about the things in our life that lift us up and the things in our life that knock us down.

That's awareness.

And then we can have the conviction to gently start to move in the direction of what it is that takes care of us.

Last week,

Week two,

Was how to forgive and finally let go.

And I encouraged the exercise,

To try the exercise of finding the gift,

Finding the lesson in anything that has come to test you and I in life.

And this week,

It's a simple question,

But maybe the biggest question of all folks,

Who am I?

Who am I at this point in my life?

How well do I know myself?

And possibly the first line of self-help,

Of personal development,

Goes way back to ancient Greece and Socrates.

And he had just two words for us which really define what this talk is about,

To know thyself.

He encouraged you to know yourself,

To get to know yourself,

To understand yourself,

To take time to stop and redefine what it is that really matters to you in life.

At this point,

I'm going to introduce this week's support material.

So folks,

Here's know thyself.

What does this very simple graphic mean?

So,

The centre here is you,

The centre is me,

And this is your truth.

This is yourself,

This is who you really are.

And just like a lot of things in nature,

In science,

In life,

This centre point is the strongest point.

This is the closest we get to this point,

The better we are.

So,

In essence,

Think of this as your centre point,

Your authentic self,

Your truth.

This is where you're comfortable in your own skin.

This is where you make decisions that look after you.

This is where you find that inner strength to move forward in a certain direction or to not move forward and say no.

But here's the catch,

Folks.

If it was that easy,

Eh?

So,

This centre point is where all the good stuff happens,

Where the creativity is,

Where your strength is,

Where your inner peace is,

Where your wellbeing is.

But here's the rub of the green,

As we say in the UK.

You see,

We live in a world,

You and I,

That likes to take us all over the page.

We live in a world that works day and night to make us just like everybody else,

And then we can fit in,

And then we'll be okay.

We live in a world,

In a society,

We sometimes surround ourselves with people who tell us how we have to live our life.

And every time we say yes to any one of those things,

And I'm speaking to myself here again this week,

We move further away from the centre of the page,

And it dilutes the true version of you.

And we get to a point in life where we almost don't recognise ourselves.

We're on automatic pilot.

We're on the treadmill hanging on.

The philosopher Carl Jung had a wonderful way of sort of containing this message.

Jung said that our lives,

My life,

Your life,

Is like a typical day.

And in the morning of our life,

It's all about fitting in.

It's all about being liked.

It's all about keeping up with the Joneses.

It's all about material possessions.

It's all about looking good and impressing other people.

And we all go through this.

I've been through it.

I'm going through it now,

And I'll go through it in the future.

But I've come to know that that morning of my life takes me away from my centre point,

From my authentic self.

But here's what's wonderful about Carl Jung's description.

He said,

But without exception,

Without exception,

We all step into the afternoon of our lives.

So the morning of your life was about fitting in,

Being liked,

Keeping up,

Owning things,

Impressing.

But without exception,

We all step into the afternoon of our lives.

And in the afternoon of our life,

Anything that made sense in the morning before lunch loosens its grip.

And in the afternoon of our life,

We start asking ourselves,

What is my life for?

What is the purpose of my life?

What is the meaning of my life?

You may have even said to yourself quietly,

There has to be more to life than this.

And so we begin this journey back to the centre of the page,

Or we become aware that something can't just be like it always was before lunch.

There has to be more to life.

And we turn around and gently begin the journey back.

But how do we get back to the centre of the page when for decades and decades we've turned our back and gently marched in the opposite direction?

And that's really what the second part of this talk is about.

So could you just give me a heart or a thumbs up if you're all with me?

I almost said if you're on the same page as me,

That would be tacky.

If this sort of makes sense to you,

That this centre point is a part of you that sits and waits for you to turn around and gently begin the journey back to who you really are.

We live in a world that's pulled us in all directions.

That's wonderful.

So I'm getting hearts and thumbs ups that show that people are with me.

So how do we get back to the centre of the page?

So in just about all of the work I do with groups,

Online,

With individuals,

The first step towards that centre of the page,

The first action to start to become aware of who we really are,

Is to look at something can define something called our core values.

Our core values.

So I've got a document here that I use.

A core value is a set of beliefs that influence how you live your life.

Once you get clear on what your core values are,

What really matters to you,

What truly feeds your soul,

What takes care of you,

Then you can start to make decisions from that place.

The centre of this page contains a few words,

Maybe only four or five core values,

And you've had them for most of your life.

They can become more prominent or less so,

But in essence,

Most of our core values have been with us for life,

Maybe dormant for many years as we've turned our back and walked in the opposite direction.

But I think this talk might be an invitation for you to become clear on who you really are,

And to do that we use core values.

So let me say that again.

A core value is a set of beliefs that influence how you live your life,

Who you are deep down,

What you really stand for.

Now there's been a lot of work and study done around core values,

And it won't surprise you to know that most of our core values,

And I'll come on to clarifying what I mean by a core value in a moment,

But most of our core values were set in the first six to eight years of our life.

So at that age we're quite open,

We're quite vulnerable,

And we have caregivers around us.

And it's as simple as this.

If you have a caregiver or someone in your life at that age,

And there is something in them normally linked to compassion and kindness and gentleness and light,

Even at that age we recognize it.

And if we can't articulate it,

Some part of us says,

I want to be like that person.

I want to pick up what that person does.

I like how I feel around that person,

And I want to be that way.

And we take on the energy that forms into a word,

Something that we can really hang our life on,

And I'll come on to that in a moment.

There's a flip side sometimes,

And I think maybe most of us experience that for whatever reason,

At that age our caregivers or those who are meant to take care of us haven't always operated from compassion and love and understanding.

And so we identify something in that person that makes us fearful,

That closes us down.

And again,

Even if we can't articulate it,

We know we'd like to be the opposite of that.

So even if we don't pick up and run with that value,

It plants a seed with us.

I would like to be like that person.

I would like to experience more of that in my life.

I don't want any more of this,

So I'm going to be the opposite,

Or I'm going to take on the ability to be the opposite.

And so seeds are planted and values are formed at an early age.

Now we're on this thing called life,

You and I,

So it can change.

A value can come into our life at a certain age because of a good or bad experience that we've had,

And we don't want to experience that again.

So this now becomes important to us.

But most of them,

80% of them,

Are formed in the early years of our life.

So let me give you some examples of core values.

So there's an endless list almost.

I'm just going to run through a few that starts the process of what it is to have a core value.

Ambition,

Authenticity,

Caring,

Creativity,

Empathy,

Encouragement,

Ethical,

Fairness,

Family,

Freedom,

Generosity,

Making a difference,

Passion,

Perfection,

Performance,

Punctuality,

Recognition,

Spirituality,

Well-being,

Health,

Success,

Kindness,

Learning to love,

Loyalty.

The list is endless.

So I'd really love it if something's just bubbled to the surface,

And in a word you can maybe start the process of letting me and others know a value that you cherish,

That maybe you knew about or that's just pinged up now in a creative moment.

Wow,

I just suddenly realized this is really important to me.

And just drop them in just a word.

Resilience,

Says Nate.

Spirituality,

Says Sylvia.

That's wonderful.

Kindness,

Says Sheila.

Loyalty,

Says Sheila with an H.

There we go.

Compassion,

Says Bea.

Creativity,

Says Camellia.

Sharon says empathy.

Can you see the eclectic nature,

How unique we all are?

Inner peace.

In fact,

I'm sure we will repeat them,

But nothing has been repeated.

How random is this?

Care,

Says Emma.

So in a world that tries to make us the same,

Wear this,

Eat that,

Scroll with that,

Do this,

Don't do that.

Can you see how our individuality is just under the surface,

Is in the center of the page?

Justice,

That something just is or isn't right.

Big one,

Jewel,

I get that.

Thank you,

Janelle.

Integrity.

Anne says fairness.

Roxanne,

Caring.

Empathy.

So let me give you a quick story about one of mine,

Folks.

I was on a weekend retreat.

I'd been doing this stuff for 20 years,

Writing and speaking.

And I was on this retreat about seven or eight years ago.

It was a weekend retreat.

And it was a silent retreat for most of it.

But they set little exercises.

And in the silence,

You work through this stuff.

And ego kicked in.

And I thought,

Well,

I know myself.

I'll do it because I've paid the entrance fee.

So I started this core value exercise that I'm going to introduce to you in a moment,

A very simple but profound exercise.

And as I started the exercise,

The word freedom came to me.

I think one or two,

There you go,

Sophie,

Bang on cue.

The word freedom came to me.

And I couldn't get past it.

I just couldn't get past this word of freedom.

So then I sat with it.

I'm on a silent meditation.

What are you going to do?

And I suddenly realized that for all of this sort of work that I love to do,

I got myself into a point where I was tied down.

And I'd written one book.

And I was about to sign up for a second book.

And I felt very restricted and claustrophobic.

I'd signed up with certain apps,

By the way,

Not Insight Timer,

But others that wanted long term commitments.

And so I suddenly realized I'd got to a point in my life where something was out of kilter and I didn't know what.

And it was as simple as this.

I'd got a number of things that wanted mid to long term commitments.

And I realized that something that was really important to me was freedom,

Was flexibility,

Was openness.

So I made a decision on that weekend to start to move away from anything that really tied me down.

Now,

This sounds flippant and oversimplistic,

But we we have to start somewhere.

And seven or eight years later,

I'm happy to say that freedom,

I live in the real world and things come to test me on a regular basis.

But because one of my default core values is freedom,

I run it through the circle.

Does this feel right to me?

So let me take you through an exercise now.

And this is one where if you've got a pen and paper,

Not to do now,

But to make a note of this.

So here's the exercise.

There are just two steps,

Two very simple steps.

But when you spend 20 minutes,

Half an hour,

An hour,

Whatever you do on this,

You'll realize without this information,

We're sort of playing at the rest of this wellness and personal growth stuff.

It's our first step,

Our start of a 10.

So I'm going to encourage you to sit alone.

This is private work,

Because the first time you run your values past someone else,

Even if they're a loved one,

Or dearly close to you,

And may question it.

I don't see that in you.

Well,

That's because it's been hidden for years,

But it's just bubbled to the surface.

We've seen the unique eclectic nature of how individual all of these are.

So this is your work,

Your piece of paper.

It doesn't need to make sense to anybody else.

You take a piece of paper,

And you write at the top of the page,

Who am I?

Who am I?

And then you sit,

And you sit with that blank piece of paper,

And you empty out anything that comes.

These can be words.

These can be doodles.

These can be thoughts.

These can be one line,

But you just empty it all out onto a page.

You've gone to the center here,

And you've asked to be told who you are again.

Remind me,

Who am I?

What really matters to me in life?

If I'm going to use this to step forward,

What does it have to look like?

So the first step is to take a page,

You write at the top,

Who am I?

And then you trust the process.

You close the door,

You turn off the phone,

You take as long as it needs,

And you bring the stuff out onto the page.

Now typically,

You're going to be left with 10,

15,

20 words,

Doodles,

Things on a page.

We sit with that.

We trust the process.

And we start to identify what jumps off the page.

Now typically,

It's about four,

Five,

Or six core values.

If we choose any more than that,

It starts to dilute.

Here's a catch.

Sometimes we can,

Because if we've been dragged across the page all of our life,

Folks,

Then sometimes we can start to write down what we think others would expect to see.

That's the opposite of the exercise you're doing.

You can sometimes write down what makes you feel good and what others would feel good around.

That's the opposite exercise to what you're doing.

This is about authenticity.

This is about truth.

This is about finding your center point.

So you've sat with the words,

Who am I?

You've trusted the process for as long as it takes.

And then you'll get to a point and you'll think,

I'm repeating myself,

Or there's nothing more to come.

We sit with it a little longer and we identify with a circle or a marker around the four,

Five,

Or six prominent ones.

They'll jump off the page.

You won't be able to get past them.

They'll bubble to the surface.

So then you're left with four,

Five,

Six core values.

So just to recap,

Who am I on a page?

You've emptied yourself of what bubbles to the surface.

You'll trust in the process.

You've then identified four,

Five,

Six that really start to jump out at you.

Those are the words in your circle.

Trust them.

Trust that this is what you need to know at this point in your life.

Now here's step two,

And there's only two steps.

I would then like you to take the four,

Five,

Six and prioritize them.

Take your time.

Look at what you think is the most important thing to you and put that as number one.

Get really clear on who you are and what matters to you most.

Now here's the final bit of this.

It's like an audit,

A live audit at this point.

You've gone from perhaps,

And with all due respect,

Not even knowing this exists,

To suddenly realizing how important this list is to you.

And then we do a quick audit.

And if you look at a word like freedom,

Or like authenticity,

Or truth,

Or humility,

Or kindness,

If you know that you're all over that,

You're living it daily,

We're going to do a scale of one to ten.

The number would be closer to ten,

That you're all over it.

You've got it.

You already knew this.

If you've suddenly identified something and it feels really important to you,

But you realize you're disconnected from it,

Then the number would be lower.

So in one exercise,

You've gone from sitting with a question,

Who am I?

You've identified your core values,

You've prioritized what they mean to you,

And you've put a number against it.

Closer to ten,

You're doing well with it.

Closer to one,

It's important to you,

And there's work to do,

Because you realize now you want this in your life.

Keep these words close to you.

Write them,

Maybe on old-fashioned post-it notes,

Side of the fridge.

Keep them on your phone as the first page you see.

Today,

Loyalty,

Freedom,

Authenticity,

Honesty,

Compassion.

These are the things that really matter.

These are the things that I'm going to show to myself and others today.

And by the way,

It begins with yourself.

Okay,

So Angie,

That's a great question.

What if it's a good value,

But it doesn't serve you,

Like loyalty to toxic people or situations?

So Angie,

Loyalty serves you.

There's nothing good,

Bad,

Or indifferent about loyalty,

But it's where you place that loyalty.

So the awareness here is,

Loyalty is important to me,

But I need to draw a boundary with the loyalty I show to people who can't reciprocate.

There's nothing wrong with the value there.

It's just the action point beyond the value.

Loyalty is a beautiful value.

I had an old dog called Flo,

Who showed me the gift of loyalty for 12,

13 years.

There's nothing wrong with loyalty,

The action point beyond the loyalty.

Can you be loyal to yourself,

Angie?

If loyalty is so important to you,

Know thyself,

Be loyal to yourself.

If you're loyal to yourself,

Are you giving time and care and attention to toxic people?

So a quick whistle stop tour.

Our center point,

Our authentic,

True self,

Is where all the good stuff is.

This is where we're comfortable in our own skin.

This is where we can truly take care of ourselves.

I'm going to finish on an interesting point,

But for now,

Let me just keep going.

We live in a world that drags us to all four corners of the page,

That dilutes the circle.

The strength of the circle never changes,

But the further away you get from it,

The less you remember who you are.

How do we get back to the middle of the circle?

We pause.

We allow ourselves to stop walking in the wrong direction.

We take time to turn and face it,

Even if we're looking at it from a distance.

And we look at what words fill our center point.

These are our core values.

These are what truly matter to us in life.

This is our North Star.

When we have a decision to make on whether to have somebody in our life or to do something in our life,

Does it meet your core values?

If not,

No thank you.

Two words,

Two very strong words,

No thank you.

That doesn't meet,

To yourself this is,

That doesn't meet or cherish who I am.

So we say no thank you.

We identify our core values,

Four,

Five,

Six at most.

We prioritize what really matters to us within that list.

Number one,

Two,

Three,

Four and five.

This sounds like an exhaustive exercise,

But when you go to the center point where creativity abides,

This will flow.

Trust the process.

And then the final bit is you do an honest audit.

Number 10 or closer to number 10,

I'm living it.

Closer to number one,

I've identified it as important,

But I'm nowhere near it at the moment.

And I've had to do the work on one or two myself,

And I continue to.

And here's the interesting fact about center points or gravitational pull,

Because that's ultimately what gravity is.

Instead of pushing hard against it,

When we sit at the center of the page and make decisions and take actions from there,

Then we attract like-minded and likewise events and actions and opportunities back to us.

So it's a win-win.

But awareness is the first step.