Taking Joy In Someone Else's Success

Good morning,

Everyone.

Welcome to the wake up call.

This is Judy Cohen and this is wake up call 287.

So we've been looking at joy in general and last week was about the joy of having to not have to carry the world on our shoulders,

Which we do as lawyers.

And also the joy of letting go,

Letting go of feeling we have to be in control all the time,

Even though when we're in certain roles,

Like we're a lawyer in a courtroom or a professor in a classroom,

Of course,

We have to have a certain command of the situation.

But the joy,

And maybe that sometimes takes the form of relief in knowing that we're actually not in control.

And in taking a breath and being with whatever is happening.

And so today,

I want to start talking about sympathetic joy.

And here is a picture.

And if you look closely,

You can see the skydiver's joy.

And I picked this because rather than maybe like a four year old eating an ice cream cone,

Because I personally would just never,

Ever,

Ever jump out of a perfectly good plane.

And so the photo is a reminder for me of what sympathetic joy is when it's not as easy as seeing my favorite four year old eating an ice cream.

It's really about taking joy in the joy of others,

Even when it seems like what they're doing is just wrong.

So sympathetic joy is even more than that.

It's rejoicing in the other person's happiness or wellbeing or success or prosperity or their win.

And the title of today's talk,

Which I forgot to say,

Is taking joy in the other guy's win.

So when sympathetic joy is present,

There's not any jealousy,

There's not judgment,

There's not comparison,

There's not negativity.

And there's also not giddiness.

It's not a heady state.

It's just a peaceful,

Happy feeling that's occurring just because someone else is happy.

And so maybe take a moment to think about whether this runs true to the way you were raised or counter to the way you were raised or to your culture or to legal culture.

For me,

It runs a bit counter.

My dad,

Just for example,

Ran a spelling bee at dinner on Shabbat when I was growing up and my brother,

The one who now has the PhD,

He always lost because he was a little kid.

The girls I grew up with were very judgmental.

And then I went into the law,

Which was perfect for me.

The adversary system,

Spending law school,

Sharpening my sparring skills on my friends and them on me.

Being in an environment where at every level,

Everyone is competing with and judging everyone else.

And when I remember I first offered a lunch meeting at Berkeley,

I was told by the Dean to offer a lunch meeting to introduce me to the class of 2020.

And I was told to introduce my mindfulness class,

See if anybody wanted to come.

And nobody raised their hand in the Q&A.

So I was packing up,

Getting ready to leave.

And then this single hand went up and the student asked,

Where'd you go to law school?

So,

You know,

We know this as lawyers.

We're very familiar with this.

You know,

We know lots of colleagues.

We know a lot of people who are not just on their belts and they represent wins or they represent articles or they represent salary or whatever.

And so in my experience,

The law kind of inclines our minds in the opposite direction from sympathetic joy,

Which is unfortunate because sympathetic joy of all the four Brahma Viharas,

Which are these exalted states of mind that we want to try and cultivate.

And so the four Brahma Viharas,

Which are these exalted states of mind that we want to try and cultivate,

Include loving kindness and compassion and equanimity of all four.

Sympathetic joy,

Which in the Pali is called mudita,

Is the one that classically provides the most ease,

The greatest sense of freedom.

And that's really been true for me.

And so I remember the Brahma Viharas,

The teachings of mindfulness,

I said about remembering the Brahma Viharas so I could practice them.

But no matter what I did,

And I'm not kidding for years,

I could only remember three.

I could remember loving kindness.

I could practice that.

I could remember compassion.

I could practice that.

I could remember equanimity,

Even sometimes practice that.

And so I would look at it and I would say,

Oh,

Yeah,

I would read about it.

And then I would just promptly forget about it.

And so in mindfulness,

This is a classic thing that the mind is just not ready,

Not ready yet to remember and learn and practice a certain thing.

And this has happened to me with other practices too.

So,

You know,

If this practice doesn't resonate for you,

If any of the other Brahma Viharas practices don't resonate for you,

No worries.

And just,

Just keep looking back at it and see when it begins to become of interest.

Because what that probably says is,

At least for me,

My mind was still firmly stuck in the opposites of sympathetic joy.

And according to Sharon Salzberg,

Who's written and taught extensively about the Brahma Viharas,

The opposites are judging.

Comparing,

Discriminating,

Demeaning,

Being envious,

Being avaricious and being bored.

So I'm going to go through each of those over the next few weeks and we can explore what they look like and maybe see if they're present and how they feel for each of us and what it might feel like to let go of them and incline the mind more in the direction of sympathetic joy.

So starting with judgment,

Just for today,

Judgment is many things.

And of course we need it in order to practice law.

We need to judge.

We need to discern.

We're using that faculty of mind all the time.

In this context,

Though,

Judgment is that feeling that can arise about other people that they should be doing something or not doing something or living their lives more the way we think they should.

So they should drive this kind of car or not that one,

Or they should quit that job and grab this one or they should jump into or they should jump out of that relationship.

And we've told them,

You know,

And they're not listening to us.

And then they're happy with their choices.

And we have that little catch,

You know,

That little glitch because in our best judgment,

They're not doing what we think they should.

Or they're in corporate law and we've devoted our time to doing what we think they should.

And we've devoted our lives to something in the public interest or vice versa.

In one group,

I felt judged because I was the only lawyer doing corporate work and everyone else was involved in social justice work or teaching.

And I see this at Berkeley,

The students going into corporate or going into prosecution,

They feel judged.

And when one of them lands a really good job,

They don't share the news because they're afraid to.

So,

You know,

You can even think of this on a really mundane level.

And I'll tell you,

Like,

I go get takeout.

I was going to say I go out to lunch,

But I don't go out to lunch.

I go get takeout.

And sometimes my partner orders a big bacon cheeseburger.

And,

You know,

I really forget about sympathetic joy and this thought arises,

Ew,

You know,

How can you eat that?

And that's just me,

Right?

So the question is,

Is it possible to look across the table,

The proverbial table,

And see the juice dripping down someone's chin and be completely joyful because they're happy eating their sloppy burger or salivating over their wind?

You know,

Is it possible to be happy for a friend who decides to jump in when the relationship doesn't look right to us or,

You know,

More to the legal point,

Be happy for the colleague who gets the win or gets published?

And we don't.

And especially when we think we should have gotten the win or gotten published,

Is it possible to not hold back our happiness for them or taking it a step farther?

Is it possible to cultivate sympathetic joy so that our more usual response is to not judge,

But to be happy for them?

So there's a big caveat here,

Especially since our work is about justice in all its various forms.

I'm not talking about someone living a life or taking action that's harmful to others or to themselves.

So that's not what I'm saying.

But I am suggesting,

And that's not what the practice is about,

But I am suggesting that it's really freeing for me anyway,

When I can be nonjudgmental about the way other people live their lives,

Even if they're jumping out of airplanes,

Something I could never imagine.

And it's true.

I think it's true.

What His Holiness says,

The Dalai Lama says,

Sympathetic joy increases our chances of joy by 7.

6 billion.

Right?

So in this dog eat dog world and in an adversary system,

What would it take?

What would it cost?

And I guess what might we gain?

Okay,

So let's sit.

T So taking a posture that is perhaps a familiar posture for you,

The posture that you either sit in or stand in or walk in or lie down in for meditation.

And just settling in,

Taking a few minutes to settle in.

Bringing the attention to whatever anchor,

Whatever object of awareness most supports you,

Whether that's the breath or sound or sensations of the body doing the body scan,

Whatever is most supportive for you.

And then I want to invite you to call to mind someone who you know is happy right now and let's make it an easy person.

Right?

So not someone whose happiness results from something that maybe you would never do or don't necessarily approve of,

But someone who you know is just having some happiness around something that you can really get behind.

Call that person to mind.

And see if you can see them almost right in front of you or in your mind's eye.

However you call up their image and see the happiness that they're experiencing,

You can visually see it.

It's helpful to pick someone who you already have a lot of happiness for.

So someone you care about,

Maybe a small child.

If you want,

You can even choose a pet.

You know that visual of your,

If you have a dog and they're just,

They're wagging their tails so hard that their whole back end of their body is wiggling.

And just let those mirror neurons flash.

In other words,

Let that happiness kind of soak in to you.

Take it in.

And if there's some resistance,

You can just notice that it's not a problem.

Just be happy that you're aware of the resistance.

That's perfect.

To just know that that's what's happening.

And then just say to this person or this being who's really happy and whose happiness you can pick up just by imagining or seeing them in your mind's eye,

In your own heart.

Just say to them silently,

May your happiness continue.

May your happiness increase.

May your happiness continue and may it increase.

And it's very helpful in this practice to add to your path,

The turning up of the ends of the mouth.

In other words,

Bring a smile to the practice.

You can almost laugh because it's so silly,

But at the same time,

It's so powerful.

To say,

May your happiness continue.

May it increase.

And now right before I ring the bell,

I'm just going to say,

Don't let this go and feel very free to take this with you into your day.

And to practice it on screen,

At home with the people you're at home with,

Out on the road if you're driving,

In your office if you're going in.

Thanks everyone for joining me today on the wake up call.

Have a great Thursday.

May your happiness continue.

May it increase.

And I'll see you next Thursday.

Take care.