Free To Connect: Releasing The Domination Paradigm

This is the first of a series.

I'm going to really dive deep into this masculine-feminine dynamic.

Today's topic is called Releasing the Domination Paradigm.

And this is actually foundational to the whole thing.

So why do we want to talk about this?

Why is this interesting?

So the whole point of the union of the masculine and feminine is that this is where happiness is.

This is where happiness is inside of us.

This is where happiness is in relationship,

In intimacy,

With our children,

With our parents,

At work,

Everywhere.

This is where happiness is.

We can call it bliss,

We can call it nirvana,

We can call it ecstasy.

But in the end,

Happiness happens when we have this beautiful union of the masculine and feminine.

And again,

This has nothing to do with gender at all.

These are universal energies of duality.

We hear about the singularity.

I don't mean the AI singularity.

I mean the divine singularity,

The oneness.

This is God-space.

Oneness is God-space,

Omniscience,

Omnipresence.

We are all one.

This is how everybody here is one right now,

Because we are in the dimension of oneness.

We are all together.

We are all one.

But luckily,

Or whatever,

We are experiencing duality.

So in the dimension,

Maybe perhaps we call it,

Of duality,

We now interact with each other.

The two universal energies of duality are masculine and feminine.

Not gendered,

Just masculine and feminine.

It could be me taking Storm,

My dog,

My son's dog,

For a car ride.

I am in the masculine because I am doing something to Storm.

I am taking her for a car ride to the dog park.

They're just energies.

But when that is a beautiful union,

We experience happiness.

One of the foundational problems we have with this idea of union,

Because it seems really simple,

I say to you,

Hey,

Do you want to have a coffee?

Hey,

Do you want to go to the mall?

Hey,

Do you want to go for a swim?

And we together go and do something.

Or maybe we want to make love,

Or we want to go on a trip.

There's a union that brings great joy.

But when that connection isn't actually union,

You've got two things together,

And they're trying to connect,

But there's static on the line.

There's something in between that's grating on each other.

You never get to actually have the happiness.

That's going on that trip with someone who thinks they know everything and won't let anyone have a word in edgewise,

Or is always complaining,

Or blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

Or you're forcing something,

Or you're controlling something.

This creates an inability to connect.

And the number one thing that gets in the way is the paradigm of domination.

So a paradigm is a set of belief systems that we don't question.

Some might call it a zeitgeist.

This is a way we understand the world that we don't question.

It's like saying,

Well,

Of course the sky is blue.

Of course this.

Of course this.

We're not even questioning it.

The domination paradigm tells us that it's normal for some people to have power over other people.

That it's normal that some people never have any power,

And they're always the victim.

This paradigm says that you better make sure that you are the one in power,

Or else you're going to be the one that's overpowered.

And this is a belief that's so deeply woven into our consciousness,

Half the time we don't even know we're doing it.

This could come into the people-pleasing thing.

Why are we people-pleasers?

Why do we think we need to make someone else happy?

Are they in control?

Are they somehow dominant energetically to us that we have to make them happy?

We can't have them not be content.

So we need to bend ourselves around backwards,

Trying to make sure that they're okay.

This concept of domination is everywhere.

And the curious thing about it is,

We really have to do some soul-searching to ask ourselves,

Do I think it's normal?

Yes or no.

Do I think it's important?

Yes or no.

Because it's very possible,

Depending on how we were raised,

Depending on the society we were raised in,

Depending on the religion we were raised in,

We may actually think it's a good thing.

How could life go on without somebody being in charge?

People would just be crazy.

They'd just be like running around the streets and there'd be no order.

I mean,

Somebody's got to be in charge,

Right?

I mean,

Imagine what would happen in a family if the parents weren't dominating the children,

If they weren't telling them what to do.

Imagine if this is what we believe.

That's interesting to really look at.

Where does that come from?

I mean,

This is a huge thing in the tantric world,

Because the journey of becoming tantric is to let go of all the constructs we've been taught by our family,

Society,

The church.

These constructs that control us,

They're actually constructs that go inside of our own psyche and cause that domination paradigm to live inside of us,

To control us.

We don't need anyone else to control us,

Because the program has been inserted into our frontal cortex.

And so now,

As soon as we go to do something,

That domination paradigm comes in and says,

You can't do that.

Don't do that.

That paradigm creates guilt and it makes us feel guilty for wanting it,

Or it shames us.

And it really puts us in a corner and makes us feel horrible.

Nobody else said anything.

It's all just built into us,

Because it's a paradigm.

You know,

I remember reading years ago,

And people would say that most people die in the same paradigm they were born into.

That we may shift ideas slightly,

But to actually shift paradigm doesn't happen in a singular lifetime.

I don't believe that today.

That might have been true 50 years ago,

Or 100 years ago.

But I think today,

We really are evolving.

I really do believe that our consciousness is capable of really developing this witness mind that can look at us and say,

Look at that program.

That doesn't even make any sense.

Huh.

And we actually have the ability,

We have the bandwidth,

The brain pan to actually see this and see ourselves within it and say,

Huh,

All right,

We need to do some work here.

We need to get to the bottom of it.

We need to get rid of all the little hooks.

Maybe it'll take 10 years,

Maybe it'll take 10 minutes,

Who knows.

But we need to get rid of this,

Because this doesn't serve me and it doesn't serve anyone.

I don't know who put the program there,

But they don't get to live in my head anymore.

And we actually then get to go forward in a new paradigm.

And I believe that this is 100% possible in this year of 2023.

I think this is 100% within our capacity.

So I want to discern between leadership,

Healthy leadership and domination.

And we'll talk a lot in later talks about leadership in great detail.

The other day,

I was out walking Storm,

The puppy.

There was a porch on the front of a house.

And I could hear somebody talking inside the porch.

You kind of see these little wooden slats around the porch.

And inside,

I saw this mother and she's sitting on a chair or a woman sitting on a chair.

And on the ground was a child,

Maybe a year and a half.

But they're crawling.

Anyway,

They weren't walking yet.

So maybe I guess they're younger than a year and a half.

But anyway,

They're crawling around.

And of course,

On the side of the porch,

There's a gate so that the baby doesn't crawl down the stairs.

I was walking along a street that's very busy.

It was a truck road.

It's a truck road,

You know,

And so the big rigs are going by,

Cars are going by.

It's a very busy road.

One might say,

Oh,

Well,

That mother has to have dominion over that child.

They have to have power over this child so that the child is safe.

This is why domination is good.

You know,

Because we keep people safe.

This is it.

That's not domination.

That's caring for a child.

That's husbandry.

This is actual protection of a child,

Not domination.

The child doesn't know that if they crawl down the stairs,

They could get really hurt.

Or if they crawl out onto the road,

They don't know.

So the mother,

Knowing all of this,

Creates an environment so the child is safe.

This is not domination.

Domination is when the child's not allowed to do anything.

They have to sit there.

You're going to do this,

And you're going to do this,

And then you're going to do this,

And then you're going to do this.

That's domination.

And these are very different,

And it's very important for us to kind of tease these things out,

Tease these ideas out.

So if we look at parenting first,

Domination in parenting is a very strong paradigm.

Under my roof,

As long as you live here,

Here's how it's going to go.

This isn't like you aren't allowed to have rules.

I had all kinds of weird rules for my kids.

Not all kinds.

But back in the day,

If you're new,

I married a dairy farmer.

I was from the city.

I was a computer programmer in the city.

I married a dairy farmer,

And I had a hard time with it.

I had a really hard time with the workload.

Because we just worked from 5 in the morning until sometimes 9,

10 at night.

Sometimes every day.

And I did it because I loved my husband.

I did it because I had a strong Puritan work ethic,

And this is good for you.

This is good for the soul.

You know,

It's amazing how many paradigms live inside of us that create situations that are actually very hard.

And I found it very hard.

And as my kids,

I have two children,

And as they were growing older,

They started into the time of playstations and gaming systems.

Because my kids are 28 and 26.

So,

You know,

When they were very young,

This is when all that started happening.

And I knew in my heart that I couldn't have gaming stations in my house.

Because we didn't have any downtime.

Like,

We had zero downtime.

My ex-husband used to joke that,

You know,

We always took Sundays off because we only worked eight hours on Sunday.

And I knew in my heart that if I walked into the farmhouse and my kids were sitting there playing video games,

I might have a mental breakdown.

Because we were so overwhelmed with work,

And right or wrong,

That was probably the only thing in the world that I probably did say that,

As long as you're in my house.

But I didn't say it like that.

We sat down and we had a conversation.

My son specifically really,

Really desired them.

Like,

I just told him,

I said,

I am so sorry,

Honey.

I just can't.

We need to work together.

We need to do this.

We need to do that.

And,

You know,

You'll move out in a few years and you can have all the gaming stations you want.

I said,

I just can't do it here on the farm.

And that's probably the closest I was ever to really being controlling of my children.

But really,

With children instead,

Imagine that we are simply there to keep them safe.

We are there to create an environment for them to grow.

Again,

There's another paradigm,

Another belief system,

That children are tabula rasa.

Tabula rasa means blank slate.

So there's a theory that when a child is born,

They are a blank slate,

And it is the parent's job to mold them,

To create the good citizen.

So this is why oftentimes parents do dominate their children.

They control their children.

Because of this belief system,

However your children turn out,

It's a direct reflection of you.

But realize this comes from this belief of tabula rasa.

So if a child,

You know,

Decides not to become a doctor,

Or decides not to do this,

Or decides whatever,

Or has trouble with the law,

Or has trouble with addictions,

Or who knows where the child goes in their life.

If we believe in tabula rasa,

We will say,

Ah,

Well,

It must have been the parenting.

You know,

It must have been the home they were raised in.

It must have whatever,

Right?

And obviously,

We can argue nature versus nurture for a long time about this.

But in this context,

The parents will naturally often try to control the children,

Because they know that society-wise,

The children are a reflection of them.

So this domination idea seeps in.

But what if you didn't believe in tabula rasa?

What if that wasn't part of your belief system?

What if you believed that every person came into the planet fully loaded with perhaps hundreds,

Thousands of lifetimes behind them?

Karma,

Sanskrit records.

Like,

Who knows what this little tiny soul came in with?

Personally,

I've had enough children in my life,

And enough friends,

And enough people to know to believe that children do not come in blank slates.

Not remotely.

So suddenly,

What is the role of the parent?

To control them?

To control their growth?

What if the child is supposed to take a very difficult path?

And don't get me wrong,

I'm a parent,

And watching a child suffer is not easy,

Or struggle.

But why do we think it's our path?

Why do we think we are here to control them?

Now,

We do guide them,

But the number one way we guide them is by example.

So if we live a life of our own,

And we follow our own path,

Regardless of what our own parents think,

Or society thinks,

Then that is the modeling our children will have.

Whether they do it right away or whatever,

That's all they know.

If we're always kowtowing to everybody else,

And always trying to look right for the neighbors,

That's what our children learn.

And again,

The nature versus nurture argument is solid,

And we could talk for five hours about that alone.

But this question is why the domination often happens.

Why even as an adult,

I mean,

I'm going to turn 54 next week.

My parents still could be controlling me.

Like,

I mean,

There could be many people here whose parents in their 80s and 90s,

Or 50s and 60s,

Whoever,

However old you are,

Are still,

Well,

What are you doing that for?

That's not a good idea.

Don't you think,

You know,

This very curious idea that one person is above the other,

And you should listen to me.

You should listen.

I know better than you.

I've been here longer.

I'm older than you.

Isn't that curious?

And the thing is,

We go out into the world,

And we believe it's everywhere.

If we think our parents can criticize what we do,

We also think that our boss can criticize what we do.

We also think that our partner can criticize what we do.

We also think our children can criticize what we do.

That's how this idea gets into us,

And it affects every single aspect of our life.

So instead,

Imagine you're the child,

No matter how old you are,

And there is no domination paradigm.

It doesn't exist.

And we can philosophize about where it came from.

I personally have a working theory that the domination paradigm began just over 4,

000 years ago.

I'm not sure exactly what happened on planet Earth,

But something happened.

And suddenly,

We thought we should war against each other,

Steal each other's lands,

Do all kinds of crazy things.

Some people call it the Dominator Virus.

Some people think aliens came to the planet that had a particular thing,

And they created this whole society.

Who knows?

It doesn't matter where it came from.

But imagine in this moment,

We say,

I don't even believe in that.

So then all of a sudden,

Let's say,

I'm going to say well-meaning,

But your parent comes along,

And they're like,

Well,

You know,

You don't have to do it that way.

Why wouldn't you do it this way?

You would look at them and kind of be curious as to why they're giving this very strong opinion.

It has no hook in you,

Because you're not really quite sure where they're coming from.

Of course,

You are aware that they are coming out of a domination paradigm.

So you know exactly where they're coming from,

But there's no hook in you.

You can just sort of look at them and go,

Well,

That's one idea.

You could be in a loving,

Intimate partnership,

And your partner might say,

Well,

Do you really think that's a good idea?

And you could say,

And it doesn't trigger you.

You just go,

Yeah,

I think I do.

Or you could say,

Well,

Do you have some questions about it?

You know,

I'm always interested in new ideas.

But there's no power struggle.

Remove the paradigm.

You can have the same conversation,

And suddenly what was once a power struggle just becomes a conversation,

And everyone just goes away and makes decisions.

In intimacy,

This is really,

Really common.

And it's very interesting in intimacy,

Because this masculine-feminine dynamic happens all over.

It happens at work.

It happens with friendships.

It happens with our pets.

It happens with the universe.

It happens everywhere.

In intimate relationships,

We have the potential for an even deeper bond.

It's one thing to merge together as two friends or a parent and a child or as colleagues or something.

But in intimacy,

There's another level.

There's another edge,

Almost,

That can be fused together,

Which is different.

And whether it's because of Hollywood,

Whether it's because of,

I don't know,

Societal ideas,

We have a lot of stock in intimate relationships.

We are quite terrified of not having them.

We're quite terrified of losing them once we have them.

We will go to a lot of ends to make sure everything's okay.

So because of this,

This domination idea also sneaks in there as well.

We want to control this situation.

We want to make sure it lasts.

We want to make sure that you feel the way I want you to feel.

I want to make sure that I continue feeling how I want to feel.

All control.

Nothing that I've just said has anything to do with reality.

I have an idea,

And I'm going to impose it on you and me.

And I'm going to keep that hammer down,

No matter what.

This happens all the time in intimate relationships,

Whether you've been been dating for a week or whether you've been married for 40 years.

This control thing is everywhere.

And that control,

That desire to control the other,

Is what keeps you from ever.

.

.

I keep having this vision of a welding.

If a welder wants to weld two pieces together,

They have to have two beautiful surfaces that come together and they put the nice solder in there and they meld it and they join together.

But as long as you have this domination idea,

This need to control the relationship,

The other person or yourself,

That never gets to come together.

Because that fear,

That requirement for domination will always hold you apart.

So even if everything seems okay on the surface,

You never experience the nirvana that's actually possible.

And that's one of the hardest things,

I think,

About intimate relationships,

Is somewhere deep inside of our soul,

We know what's actually possible.

We know the bliss that's actually possible when love is present between two people.

Whenever we miss it and we can't get to it,

It drives us a little crazy.

And then we might get a little depressed,

Almost existentially depressed.

Existentially.

That's a question of the meaning of life.

It's not like,

Just like,

Damn it,

I just wish she just,

You know,

It's like,

What's the point?

Like,

What's the point?

I did everything right.

I tried.

I don't even know what the point is.

It actually causes an existential depression when we don't get it.

And if that stays there long enough,

We will fall into despair and apathy.

And we won't even try anymore.

And we may not even leave that person.

Because the existential despair,

The existential depression caused us to go,

Maybe it doesn't even exist.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe life just sucks and that's just the way it is.

So to be able to root this out in intimate relationships is so important.

This inability to have it in intimate relationships is a lot of reason why a lot of people just say,

You know what,

Why bother?

It's just,

It's not even,

It's not even worth the hassle.

Well,

Why?

Two people come together,

What can go wrong?

Except this weird domination thing.

If I get too close,

They're going to think and they're going to have expectations of me.

And all of a sudden,

You know,

Every weekend's planned for the next 40 years.

Oh,

Well,

Then they're going to want this.

And then I can't even actually say this.

I can't really be honest with them because what they really want is someone who's like this and all of this stuff.

And it's like,

What if there was no domination paradigm?

What would intimate relationships look like?

No one is above the other.

No one knows better than the other.

What would that look like?

No one's in control.

No one wears the pants in the family.

No one has to make the other person happy.

Every person is responsible for their own happiness.

So then what does intimacy look like then?

And this is an open question.

I'm not,

It's not rhetorical and I'm not,

I certainly can't flesh out an entire answer because every one of us has different desires,

A different soul's path,

Different desire in union.

So it's a very interesting question for us to ask ourselves.

You know,

What does that look like?

And it's interesting in relationships because I remember when I was married,

I was married for 20 years.

If there was anything I would do differently,

It's this.

And it's understanding the difference between an ultimatum and sharing your truth.

Because there were many times in my marriage that I was very unhappy,

Like very unhappy.

But to me,

I never wanted to threaten that I was going to leave.

I didn't want to do that.

I didn't,

I don't know,

I had an idea in my head about people who did that,

Especially women who did that.

I'm leaving.

I've had it with you.

And I felt like there was sort of a never cry wolf thing because the person didn't want to leave,

But they were just going to yell and scream and threaten they were going to leave.

And so I swore to myself that I wasn't going to be that person who threatened to leave.

So I didn't want to give an ultimatum,

Right?

I didn't want to say,

If you don't do this thing,

I'm leaving.

Because I didn't actually want to leave.

I actually really wanted us to sort it out.

That wasn't my desire.

So I kind of wasn't,

I wasn't ready to fulfill my end of the ultimatum.

And ultimatums feel awful because they're a power dynamic.

I want you to do this thing.

And if you don't,

I am withdrawing from your life.

I am withdrawing sex.

I am whatever.

That's a power play.

That's domination.

Today,

Many years later,

Yeah,

I was first married over 30 years ago.

Isn't that crazy?

Today,

Many years later,

I understand that it isn't about an ultimatum.

It's just about being honest with myself,

And then sharing that truth with my partner.

And so if there's something I'm unhappy about,

Then I just have to say,

You know,

This is really bothering me.

I'm not really sure what to do about it.

I can't resolve it.

But I really can't live with it either.

And I'm quite convinced that if it continues,

It probably will end us eventually.

And that's it.

Like,

It's just a statement.

It's not a threat.

It's not a,

And so therefore,

You'd better do something about it.

Like,

It's not that.

It's just,

That is my truth.

It just,

That's just all there is to it.

And,

Or maybe even you could be in a new relationship,

And somebody really wants this kind of relationship.

They want to play this,

Or they want to do something that you don't want to do.

And you can just say,

Well,

I don't really want to do that.

Well,

I know,

But I want to be with you.

So I need you to do it.

And it's like,

But that isn't my truth.

And the only kind of actual relationship is between two beings living in their truth.

So then maybe we aren't really a good match.

And to actually be okay with that,

To actually be whole in ourself,

Which we're going to talk about that in a minute.

When we're whole in ourself,

We actually are just truthful.

We're not codependent on the relationship.

We don't need it.

So therefore,

We don't need the other person to change for us either.

And when we speak our truth in kindness,

Because we love this person,

To actually treat people the way that we feel about them.

Why would I be mean to another person?

Why would I expect you to act in a way outside of your nature?

Why would I expect you to do something that you don't want to do if I love you?

If I love you?

So then all of a sudden,

When I share this truth,

The other person simply receives the truth.

Because again,

I'm talking about,

Okay,

There is no domination paradigm.

They may still be living in one which makes them think,

Oh,

So you're saying you're going to leave me?

And you're like,

I'm not saying anything.

I'm just telling you that this really makes me unhappy.

So I'd love to talk about it.

I'd love to go to counselling.

I'd love to,

I mean,

That's all I can do.

But without the domination paradigm,

The other person,

In the immortal words of my old calculus professor,

Or my old algebra professor,

He used to say,

Take this to your place of contemplation and meditate upon it.

When he would give us a particularly hard assignment.

And they can do that.

And our partner can go away and they can think about what we said.

It doesn't have to be all emotional and crazy.

It can just be,

That really makes them unhappy.

And they can make a decision.

You know,

If they want to shift,

If they want to change,

If they want to heal,

If they want to grow,

If they want to,

Because a lot of times when we're in an intimate relationship,

The other person acts in a way that isn't necessarily their nature.

They might be emulating what they grew up with.

They might be struggling with depression.

They might just be lazy.

We all go through lazy periods.

It's a thing.

We get tired.

We get exhausted.

We get existentially tired.

So,

Honestly,

I often wonder,

You know,

What my,

If my marriage would have continued,

If I could have found that gentle truth and just stated it,

Instead of being afraid of the ultimatum.

So it's a very interesting thing to just contemplate this difference between the ultimatum and just standing in your truth and contemplating the truth.

The ultimatum and just standing in your truth and allowing the other person to sort it out.

And this is something that,

You know,

I find radically different even in my current relationship,

Because now at 54,

I,

You know,

It's really funny.

This is a total side note.

My partner recently on the weekend,

He said something like,

Can you believe I'm 61 years old and I'm starting a new business?

Because of course he's restarted his guitar building business.

And it was the funniest thing because I looked at him and I thought,

Doesn't that make total sense though?

You've had 61 years of experience on earth.

Isn't this the perfect time to start a business?

And I kind of feel the same way about relationships.

I'm 54 years old.

Yeah.

I think I might be figuring some things out now.

So today I've realized that in relationship,

I really,

I love being in the feminine and I love getting to play in that dynamic with a man that likes to be in the masculine.

So of course the greatest thing I can do is be honest,

State my feminine truth.

And this is all genders.

This isn't just women,

But to state my truth,

Which is reality,

Which is the feminine.

Because especially if my partner,

He may have had lots of training in a family that was very dominating,

Very patriarchal.

That may not be his nature at all,

But it allows him to go away and kind of do the heavy lifting on it.

And that keeps him in the masculine in our relationship.

Instead of me going,

Well,

I really want us to be in a relationship and you've got daddy issues,

So I'm going to do this and here's what you have to do.

Like how different that feels.

Like it shifts the entire dynamic between us from a power over,

You know,

From this beautiful equal loving space.

You know,

So it's very,

Very interesting to release this domination piece.

Of course,

Also in intimate relationships,

Sometimes we are overtly,

Overtly judging,

Dominating,

Controlling.

And sometimes we're passively controlling.

We kind of rule from the backside.

We just withdraw.

We get cold.

We make the other person run in circles.

Still a power dynamic.

And all it does is create separation.

That's it.

All power dynamics create separation,

Whether we're overt or passive,

It doesn't matter.

So it's really,

Really,

Really important to be clear.

Am I trying to control this other human right now?

Or do I believe that they are actually on their own path?

The last thing I wanted to talk about is how important this masculine feminine dynamic without the domination paradigm is so important inside of us.

Because everything we've ever experienced in this masculine feminine patriarchal domination paradigm,

That macrocosm exists within us as a microcosm that exists here as well.

Everything.

If you believe it's normal to control others,

You are controlling your feminine right now.

This is like,

I love running.

I love barefoot running specifically.

I will be getting back at it when some things sort out in my life.

So I'm always watching runners.

Runners fascinate me.

And the difference between someone running because their body is loving this experience.

Like you can just feel them.

Their body's like,

Oh God,

My world wasn't complete until I took this run today.

That masculine is manifesting the feminine's desire to run.

I need to move.

I need to feel the air on my,

You know,

The wind on my face.

Total balance.

They are running in total balance.

And then you see people out running and you can tell that they're masculine.

The domination paradigm is alive and well inside of them.

And that domination paradigm,

That drive inside of them is saying,

Keep on going.

Don't complain.

Get your head out.

Focus.

Come on.

You can do it.

You can do it.

If you can't do 5k a day,

There's something wrong with you.

Come on.

And it's like,

And your knees hurt and your back hurts and you're exhausted and you're sweating to death.

And of course,

What happens eventually?

You get injured.

You get sick.

You break something.

You pull something.

Something happens because there's no balance.

Oh,

But I mean,

You've got to push yourself,

Right?

Got to push yourself.

No.

Again,

There's a difference here.

You know,

In yoga,

The positive version of this is what they would call tapas,

Fire,

Passion.

And that's that place where you're like,

I actually really want,

Like,

So this morning,

For example,

I got up and did yoga.

I've been really lazy over my sabbatical and really enjoying sleeping in.

So there's a certain level of inertia.

And I've also been struggling with anemia,

Which is sort of a long-standing thing.

It's a long story.

So I've also been very conscious of my energy output.

But as I really kept praying about it,

The answer kept coming,

No,

Get back and get up early and get your yoga and do it.

Like,

Really do it.

And for me to stay on the mat for a full hour and do my practice requires some inner tapas,

Like some spiritual fire.

I'm not forcing myself.

I'm not controlling myself.

I'm not punishing myself.

I'm not doing it because I should do it.

I actually deeply desire it.

But I have to access that tapas,

That excitement,

The passion inside of me,

Which once lit my fire about yoga that caused an entire life to be driven by the teaching and sharing of yoga.

But there's tapas.

There's a bit of something,

Something in there.

And that is a truth.

There is something to creating a discipline,

But not a punishing discipline,

But an inner light of passion inside of us that says,

Remember how much you like this,

Katrina.

Remember,

Don't let the world distract you from what you actually love.

Let's do this.

That's tapas.

Let's do this.

As opposed to any,

So that could be me running.

This could be me running.

And the beautiful thing about barefoot running,

I'm not a light person.

I'm not built like a gazelle.

So running,

I have to run,

If running barefoot keeps my posture perfect because you're running,

You know,

On bare feet.

And it's interesting because every so often you get tired and my inner self says,

Well,

I'm tired.

Okay.

Then my masculine says,

We're going to slow down.

And then my masculine will keep me up like a cheerleader.

Okay.

You're doing well.

This is good.

This is good.

Okay.

All right.

What do you think?

Like five more breaths and you want to go again?

What is it?

But it's not beating me up.

It's cheering me on.

It's helping me light that inner fire that makes me realize,

Because I actually love running,

But I forget and I get out of shape,

Right?

That's the inner masculine feminine,

That my masculine is serving my feminine.

It's not dominating her.

It's not telling her that she's a loser and you're always going to be fat and you should be in,

You should be fit and look at you.

You're like,

Not doing that.

I've certainly lived with a lot of that in my life.

We've certainly seen a lot of it in the world.

It's a real thing to shift the masculine and feminine to be in union.

It's also interesting when the masculine can really create rules.

So one of the things for me coming off of sabbatical,

It was a really big deal that I actually create a world where I do have a lot more downtime and a lot more study.

And it actually requires quite a bit of tapas for me to show up and make sure that the world doesn't fill that in,

To really take care of me,

Take care of my feminine,

Take care of my truth.

And again,

Not because she's weak or she's the poor side of vulnerability or whatever you want to call it,

But because I love her and I care about her.

So my masculine wants to take care of her.

It doesn't want to control her.

It wants to take care of her.

And again,

It kind of works for me because I'm a woman,

But this is all of us,

This masculine feminine dynamic.

When we have that within,

When our masculine and feminine is actually dancing together and there's no power struggle inside,

We also don't have to rebel against ourselves.

We don't have to have self-sabotage programs.

When all this is in balance,

We are so happy.

We are so content.

And then once we feel this beautiful balance inside,

We go out into the world and we start to see the domination paradigms at play,

But they have no hooks in us because it's almost our microcosm slowly becomes the macrocosm.

It slowly becomes our world.

Whether it still exists out there,

Sure,

Sure it does,

But it won't be part of your inner world.

It won't be part of the things you have to contend with.

So I'm going to leave it there,

But if you have any questions,

I would love to answer them.

How do you repair those static relationships that often happens with familiarity?

Esther Perel wrote a great book called Mating in Captivity,

And I believe it was in that book that she talked about the importance of in the brain that there's this,

I don't think I have the right words,

But there's a space between the brain cells,

The dendrites or whatever they're called,

And that arcing across is what creates the spark.

And that's what's really important in intimate relationships,

To remember that we're very separate humans,

Right?

We're very different,

And if we become alike,

If we have controlled each other over time,

And we all start dressing the same,

And we both like the same tea,

And we both like whatever,

There's nothing to interact with.

And so the key is to remember who you are,

And to become unique again.

And especially if it's an intimacy,

One of the things I recommend the most is to have your own bedroom.

Like Osho used to teach that,

That all people,

All adults should have their own bedroom,

So you always remember who you are.

And you can still have a relationship,

And you can still have sleepovers,

But to really remember who you are,

And then it won't be static anymore,

Because you'll be growing again.

You know,

My poor partner,

I swear every time he comes up here,

He sits there and he goes,

I never have any idea.

He's like,

At the speed of light,

Everything's different,

But it keeps things really sparking.

My younger sister is very controlling.

She yells her wishes about me,

At me.

The last time she did that,

I asked her to stop yelling,

And had to say,

I'm not going to sit here on the phone listening to this,

I'm hanging up.

That was the last time we spoke,

Other than her continuing to text me what she thought I should do or be like.

It's been three months,

And I just,

I'm not laughing at you,

I'm just laughing because I know these people.

It's been three months,

And I just don't understand,

But won't be the first to connect,

As I've always done in the past,

So strange.

That's just one little story of love lost within my family.

If any of them came to me and wanted to talk and make amends,

I'd be right there.

Such lessons we have to experience in relationships.

But that's exactly it.

For some reason,

Your sister is walking a certain path right now.

Who knows why?

That has nothing to do with you.

She's doing it to everybody,

Right?

Like,

It has nothing to do with you.

And I swear,

It's a certain kind of love that we can have for people,

When we can love them,

Like,

Honour their path,

Even if being around them literally makes us crazy.

And doesn't mean we're to be around them.

Just like you said,

It's like,

You know what,

As soon as you want to come to me,

Because what she's doing,

She's not connecting.

She's just attacking.

It's that saying,

You know,

Hit me once,

Shame on you,

Hit me twice,

Shame on me.

And nothing's that simple.

Don't get me wrong.

But you know,

She's that way to everybody.

But I thought we as sisters,

It was different.

Oftentimes,

It's worse within families.

Like,

It was interesting when I was writing my book,

The Divine Union of the Masculine and Feminine,

I had written something about relationships,

About how some people end up in kind of a sibling relationship.

I meant it as a friendly,

Non-passionate relationship.

But one of my friends that was proofreading it for me,

She said,

So you mean they were fighting all the time?

Because this was sort of the path.

I had another person come to me,

A counselling client this summer,

Actually.

And she was really disheartened because she had been married,

She had married into a family,

And she really,

She'd never had a sister.

And her sister-in-law,

She really wanted to be a sister,

But the sister-in-law was kind of mean to her.

She was like,

I don't understand.

I mean,

I just want to be sisters.

And I said,

How does she act with her sisters?

Oh,

They fight all the time.

I'm like,

Right,

Now you're a sister.

It's not always,

If someone only knows animosity,

That's how it's going to be.

Is it helpful to say I'm speaking my truth either before or after a personal statement?

Sometimes.

But I feel like,

Depending on the situation,

We can be very soft,

Especially to say,

It's just how I feel.

Like,

We can't argue with feelings.

If I hear something and I feel sad,

I just feel sad.

It's not an intellectual thing.

If I wish something was different,

Then I just wish something was different.

If I feel alone,

I just feel alone.

I'm not intellectualizing about it.

I'm not saying,

I'm just saying I feel alone.

And the other person can either rise to the occasion and try to shift things or not.

If I was to say,

I'm just speaking my truth,

I probably would also say,

I'm learning to speak my truth,

Because I really want to stay connected to you.

And I don't want anything between us.

So I'm trying to figure out how to share my truth with you in a way that allows us both to be genuine.

Because that's how I feel.

I feel that I'm still learning how to access my truth,

Because so often our feelings are connected and wound into our belief systems and our anger and our fear and our history and everything.

And sometimes it's hard to sort that out.

What is my truth inside of this?

So I would maybe just find your way of saying it in a way that would really be easier to be received by the person.

So thank you so much for being here.

I hope you have a wonderful day.