We Are Mirrors For Each Other - For Better Or For Worse.

Think meditation is hard?

Do me a favor.

Take a slow,

Deep breath in.

And now breathe out.

Congratulations.

You just meditated.

Hi,

I'm Crystal Joukowsky and this is Breathe In,

Breathe Out,

A weekly mindfulness and meditation podcast for anyone ready to own their own shit and find a little peace while doing it.

Welcome back to Breathe In,

Breathe Out.

I'm Crystal Joukowsky.

I really hope that you enjoyed the body positive meditation that we did last week.

I just firmly believe that we all need to find that love and acceptance of self.

No matter what form our self physically takes internally,

We are all amazing and beautiful.

This week and for the next couple of weeks,

I want to talk about mirrors because there's something I work with throughout my life and with a lot of my clients to just kind of understand a little bit deeper and own themselves a little bit more.

Part of this concept is the amazing traits,

The beauty that I see in you is also an amazing beauty and a gift that I see in myself.

There are always two sides to a coin and that means that the things that I see in you that really frustrate me happen to be things in myself that I myself need to give attention to and work on.

I'm going to go deeper into both of these concepts and before I do,

I just want to give a little disclaimer here.

In all of the people that I've worked with,

There have been several in the beginning who have rejected this idea that the negative part or the things that really drive me nuts about somebody happen to be something that is a reflection of themselves.

Just saying that,

I know that there are people listening to this that are going to say,

That's a bunch of malarkey,

That's a bunch of bull crap,

I don't want to listen to this anymore and I encourage you to just take a breather and walk away and maybe come to this later and try again.

There's always something people find and understand and when you take a minute to step back and step out of the emotional response to it and look at the logical response,

It really helps you to own your own shit a little bit deeper and be way more present in life.

Every one of us on this earth is here to learn and to grow.

Every single experience that you have is an opportunity to learn.

It's an opportunity for education.

This is really cool because it means that when I meet you and I get to spend time with you that means there is something that I can learn from you and I am so excited to learn that.

I am so excited to know what new thing do I get to embrace and take in.

What do you want to teach me?

Because just in our interaction,

Just in our acquaintance,

I have something to teach you and I'm not talking about you need to come to one of my classes.

I am talking about just as a human being,

My existence has something to teach you and yours has something to teach me.

What I see in you is what I see in me.

The beauty I see in you is the beauty inside myself as well.

I had this conversation with my mom a while back.

She was struggling having a little bit of a challenging time and she and I just kind of started talking about myself and my four siblings.

She has five kids and she was talking about us five kids.

While she was down,

She was also marveling at the resilience of us kids or the strength of us or the courageousness or the creativity.

She was just talking about all of these qualities that each one of us five kids had that she sincerely admired in us.

And I let her go off for a little while and then I just stopped when she was done and I asked her,

Hey,

Mom,

Have you ever had a chance to be super confident like so and so?

She was like,

Well,

Yeah.

And I asked her to tell me about a time that she was super confident and there were a couple of them.

And I was like,

Wow,

So you mean that trait that you see in my brother is one that you actually carry as well.

And she was really kind of surprised at that.

And so I went to a couple of the other traits and I said,

Hey,

Mom,

Have you ever had to be resilient in your life?

Have you ever had to display that trait?

And she was able to give me a couple of examples of when she was.

And we got four or five down the line before she realized what I was doing because I didn't necessarily totally call her out,

But I did.

I was just nurturing her and trying to bring her to this understanding.

By the time we were done,

I had encouraged her.

She was feeling much better and she was feeling more positive and lighter.

And I encouraged her to go home that evening and to just write down all of these amazing qualities that she sees in other people and then just post them on her mirror in her bathroom or post them.

She has a dry erase board right in her bedroom.

That is a giant calendar that my grandfather built years and years and years ago for my grandma.

And I said,

Well,

You can totally just write all of these fantastic qualities.

But I am confident.

I am creative.

I am resilient.

I am all of these things that she sees reflected back to her from other people.

And it was just this really beautiful teaching and possible turning moment for her in the idea that she is just as amazing as what she thinks other people are.

It was just great.

And this is a concept that people can easily grasp.

Take a moment and just think of somebody that you truly,

Sincerely admire.

What are some of their traits?

What are some of the actions or things about that person that just really make you go,

Gosh,

They are amazing.

I'd kind of like to be like that person.

Maybe take a second and write those down,

Write a couple of them down and then sit back for a second and think,

OK,

So in my life,

Have I had opportunities to be this or that?

It's a beautiful confidence booster when you think about it,

When you really look at it,

To realize that it is such a gift and it is such an opportunity to know that we are surrounding ourselves by people that we not only look up to,

But they're also people that we emulate the same behaviors.

We emulate the same qualities and traits like we are just as amazing because we too have those qualities.

And I love that part of it.

I think that it is the most beautiful thing in the world because any time you are down,

Any time you are frustrated,

All you have to do is stop for a second and look in that mirror.

All you have to do is stop and say,

Wait a minute,

What beautiful traits do I have?

Instead of saying I am so unimagined,

If you can say,

No,

No,

No,

I remember this time that I chose these colors and painted this wall and it just looks amazing and it just feels great or I cannot bake worth a darn.

Well,

That's not true because I made this unbelievable banana bread and it was so delicious,

Everybody complimented it.

Or I can't garden to save my life.

Like I have a black thumb and then you stop.

No,

No,

No,

No.

You know what?

There was this one time that I did this and you can see it reflected to you in other places.

It's like,

Oh,

I really wish that I was a green thumb.

Wait a minute.

I've had a plant that I've kept alive for 10 years.

I am more of a green thumb than I thought.

So I just want you to sit on it for a second because it just makes me happy and it just makes me smile and it just brings a light to my eyes to be able to think of that amazing positive gift that we can all give to ourselves when we start wishing that we had this or that or wishing that we were like somebody else.

If you just stop and turn that thing around and say,

Wait a minute,

If I see it in them,

Then it's got to be in me.

So let's find it.

Let's look at it.

Let's bring it forward and then just bask in the amazing,

Beautiful aspect that that is.

The other side of that,

That is the part so many people reject and they really don't like it.

They really,

It rubs them wrong is the concept that the things that really bother you about somebody that you know or see or meet is actually something in you that you need to address as well.

So the frustrating things you see in somebody else is a frustrating thing that you see in yourself.

Now I was talking to a friend working on a really good concept to help you understand and to help illustrate this idea.

And she was beautiful and amazing and I'm so grateful for her and the conversation we had because what we came down to was a sample example of an introvert versus an extrovert.

You have somebody who they meet and they're going for coffee.

And at coffee,

The extrovert just does a lot of talking about themselves.

And they just go off and off and off and they just keep talking about this and that and all these different aspects of their life.

And all the while,

The introvert is sitting there a little frustrated because they're a little uncomfortable that somebody could talk about them so much because this is the introverted side.

The introverted side would rather just kind of be in their little safe zone and not have to be quite so out there.

And there's this conflict because while the introvert is uncomfortable with the extrovert talking about themselves so much,

In the same aspect,

The introvert would love to be asked a little bit about their lives,

A little bit about who they are and what makes them tick.

In the same aspect,

The introvert has no desire to talk about themselves.

They say,

You know,

I want to be asked,

But I really don't want to talk.

So there's this conflict and there's this frustration.

So the introvert sees this extrovert that is just going and happy and very much just expanding on their life.

And the introvert is just kind of like,

I don't know how to deal with this.

I don't know,

You know,

Like,

I'm frustrated that you're not asking.

I'm frustrated.

The bottom line is that the introvert really wishes that they felt free enough to talk about their lives and their interests like the extrovert.

So the introvert is frustrated by the extrovert and it's because they're confronted by their own fear.

They're confronted by their own insecurity of,

I don't want to talk so much and I don't want to be so far out of my shell.

And I wish that I was,

I wish that I could be,

And yet I don't really want to be there and I want to be asked,

But I don't want to be.

So there's just this internal conflict and this internal conflict comes from that mirror.

It comes from that you are showing me a side of me that I am not in love with.

So this mirror,

The frustrating thing that you see in an acquaintance or a friend or a family member is very much shining a light into a part of you that you are not excited about,

That you are not ready to deal with,

That you are a little bit frustrated with.

If you can see it that way,

If you can step back and say,

Gosh,

That person drives me nuts because they're never on time.

What is it about me that bothers me about that?

And you can find peace with where you're at.

If you can dig back to why it's such a frustration,

Then you're able to grant that person the permission to be exactly who they are.

And it doesn't bother you as much because you have now dealt with your issue.

This introvert could recognize I'm an introvert.

I'm okay just being me.

I'm okay sitting back and enjoying and letting somebody else talk about all their stuff.

Yeah,

It'd be nice.

And I have the ability to drop in there.

Yeah,

I have this fabulous dog that just makes me laugh and he is so adorable.

The introvert has that choice.

The introvert has that choice to jump in and add that information or they can acknowledge and be grateful that they can just sit in their own space and allow the extrovert to carry the entire conversation because sometimes that's really nice.

Sometimes it's really nice to go out for coffee when you're really nervous,

Especially if you're an introvert going out to coffee,

You're really nervous.

You don't really want to have to do this.

You're not really thrilled about being in a big crowd and you sit down with this person and you're like,

Oh gosh,

What are we going to talk about?

I have no clue how I'm going to get through this meeting.

And then they're an extrovert and they just keep going and it could be this immense relief of oh,

Thank you.

I didn't have to talk.

I didn't have to do this.

That relief can only come if you recognize that part of you.

If you take a step back and say,

Oh yeah,

Wait a minute,

It's okay.

I have control.

I have the power to jump in when I want to and I have the ability to just let them keep taking over and run the conversation when I'm done talking about myself.

Finding that balance is something that you yourself get to do.

Finding that balance is something that takes work and effort.

It takes awareness and understanding.

It's never easy to face all of those little shadow spaces and it's even harder when somebody is shining a light right in there and saying,

Here's your spotlight.

You might as well deal with this issue now.

It makes you want to withdraw even more and that's when we're like puffer fish.

We just puff up and we have all those little spikes and we're like,

Stay the hell away from me because I feel attacked.

I feel pushed on and until everybody leaves you alone,

You are not going to come back to your normal size because you really feel like you need to protect yourself and that is when you're being confronted by all of these other outward influences and you yourself just need a moment to find your center,

Find your peace and say,

No,

No,

No,

No,

I'm okay.

When you're around a lot of people,

A lot of people are going to be showing you this mirror.

Now say you're at a party,

You're at a mass gathering.

I know not going to happen right now with COVID.

That's going to change eventually.

You're in this gathering.

Now think about the type of people that you yourself are drawn to in a larger gathering.

Are you drawn to the ones that are laughing and joking and being loud and really enjoying whatever is going on or are you more drawn to be a solitary wallflower?

What is it about the people that are really communicating and enjoying that really draws you in and that you like?

What about those qualities do you like and what about being more of an observer?

Is it that you are more attracted to?

Learning and knowing yourself,

Learning and knowing who you are and what you're about,

Connecting to all of those little differences and those little beautiful pieces of you is just a starting point to living a more authentic life.

It is a jumping off point of owning your own shit and then letting other people feel free enough to do the same thing.

So look at the mirror for a second.

Step back,

Take it all in and say,

Hey,

Where am I at?

You and I get along really,

Really well and I love that you and I get along really well.

What qualities is it that I'm attracted?

What qualities am I attracted to you because of?

And maybe I'm going to write those down because it's going to be a great thing for me to reflect back.

Maybe it's your fortitude.

Maybe it's your integrity and the way that you always follow through on stuff.

Maybe it's just that you are a get shit done kind of person and I really love that.

Maybe it's that you're really quiet and you remind me that self-care is really important.

What is it about that person that brings you joy and warmth to your heart?

Why are you attracted to that person as a human being?

Make a note,

Start a list and before you know it,

You have this gigantic list of all of these beautiful,

Fabulous qualities that you two possess and in the same aspect,

The next time that you are frustrated and repelled by somebody,

Something or an experience,

I encourage you to just take a minute.

Take a minute to step back.

Take a minute to say,

Okay,

What were they reflecting to me?

What challenge do I get to overcome?

What issue do I need to face in this moment so that I can feel a little more whole and obliterate that little bit of darkness that I've been holding on to a while?

You'll feel better.

You'll feel more complete and the next time that person comes around and they really bother you and rub you the wrong way,

They're not going to rub you the wrong way so much because you will have already addressed that part in you that was so confronted by the challenge that they are.

Owning our own shit,

Fixing our own stuff,

Acknowledging that we have our own unique challenges and our own unique fractures and our own unique traumas that we have to deal with and dealing with those first before anything else.

It means that we are creating a society of people of self-ownership,

Of self-awareness,

People who recognize that the only way to change the world is to start within,

To change your own prejudices,

To change your own fears,

To change your own discomfort,

To change your own language.

You can change yourself.

You cannot change anyone else.

Start with the joy.

Give yourself a foundation of positivity.

Give yourself a foundation of,

Yeah,

This is success.

This is a beautiful success that I am so excited that I can put on my little notch on my belt or however that works for you.

Maybe it's that dry erase on your bathroom mirror or maybe you just have a notebook of all these wonderful characteristics that you are so grateful for to have.

However that takes shape for you,

I pray that you do that and I pray that you lovingly,

Compassionately take the time to look at the other ones.

Grant yourself permission.

Grant yourself understanding.

Grant yourself compassion in digging through and understanding exactly what it is that's going on for you so that you can heal it more fully and instead of using it as something to beat yourself over the head with,

You get to take a breath.

Grant forgiveness and move forward a little lighter in your step.

I would love to hear your reactions and your responses to this concept.

I would love to hear how it helps you and how it confronts you.

I would love to hear how you grow and expand your horizons with it.

Feel free to reach out on Instagram and Facebook and just touch base.

Until next time,

Here on Breathe In,

Breathe Out.

I hope this moment of self-care and healing brought you some hope and peace.

I'm Crystal Joukowsky on Instagram,

Facebook and YouTube and I hope you check us out and follow along for more content coming soon.

I look forward to being with you again here on Breathe In,

Breathe Out.

Until next time,

Take care.